Recyling Center: Zombira Edition

So, in anticipation of Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular, I'm posting this rejected sketch from the show.

What do I mean, rejected? Well, in putting together the show, the other writers and I generated about twice as much material as we needed, and then cut it down to just the best stuff. This is one sketch that did not make the cut. (A decision I totally agree with, by the way-- the other sketches I wrote were much stronger.)

But why waste sub-par material? Especially since I'm feeling lazy and don't want to generate original content for this site. Thus, I'm giving you this peek behind the scenes. If you come to see Zombira, you'll see sketches sort of like this one.

Except, you know. Better.

OBVIOUS VAMPIRE SKETCH

A woman, SHARON, lies in the middle of the stage, with red fang marks on her neck. Two businessmen, SAM and DAVE, ENTER.

SAM
So that’s why I’ll never put that particular part of my body in the copy machine again.

DAVE
That story was awful.

SAM
Lighten up, man. If you can’t have fun in the office, which is where we currently are, being two businessmen, then where can…
(notices Sharon)
Oh my God, it’s Sharon from accounting!

Sam runs over and feels her pulse.

DAVE
Is she dead?

SAM
I can’t tell. Hand me your cocaine mirror.

DAVE
(handing it over)
Dude, I told you not to call it my cocaine mirror at work.

SAM
Whatever, pussy.

Sam holds a small mirror in front of Sharon’s face, and then looks at it to see if it's fogged up.

SAM (cont’d)
She’s not breathing. God, what do you think happened?

DAVE
I dunno, but this doesn’t look like a natural death. What are those marks on her neck?

SAM
They look almost like… fang marks. And she’s all pale, like the blood has been sucked from her. Jesus, you don’t think a dog attacked her, do you?

DAVE
Dogs don’t drink blood, idiot.

SAM
They do if they’re thirsty!

TODD ENTERS. He has long red streaks extending down from both sides of his mouth, over his chin, down across his shirt. He also has fangs.

TODD
Hey guys, what’s up?

DAVE
Hey Todd. Get this: Sam thinks some sort of thirsty dog killed Sharon from accounting. Isn’t that retarded?

TODD
Sharon from accounting is dead? God. Mondays, huh?

DAVE and SAM
(groan in agreement)

SAM
Are you a doctor, Dave? Or a vet? Then shut up! I’d like to know what you think happened!

DAVE
I dunno. Maybe she fell onto two evenly spaced message spindles. Right Todd?

TODD
Yeah, we don’t know. It could have been anything. Maybe her death was completely unrelated to the loss of her delicious blood. Maybe she had a heart attack.

DAVE
Totally. Why do you always think it has something to do with delicious blood, Sam?

SAM
I don’t! I attributed the last corpse to heat stroke! And besides, I…
(noticing Todd’s shirt)
Hey, uh… Todd. You got a little something on your shirt.

TODD
(looking down)
Oops! Heh heh! No more cherry Kool-Aid for Todd, right guys?

DAVE
(laughing)
Yeah, you’ve got a real drool problem there, don’t you Todd?

TODD
(deadly serious)
I wouldn’t make fun, Dave—not if you value your precious bodily fluids.

Awkward pause.

SAM
Well, anyway. I guess we should call an ambulance… or at least tell her mom, Debbie from accounting.

DAVE
Those two have such a weird last name.

TODD
(garbled)

SAM
What’s that, Todd? I couldn’t understand you because of your oversized canine teeth.

TODD
Sorry. I said, perhaps before you do that, you should check her again, to make sure she’s really dead.

SAM
(kneeling down, with mirror)
Well, okay, but I’m pretty sure she’s…

Sharon gets up, startling Sam and Dave.

SHARON
What happened?

DAVE
God, Sharon! We thought you were dead! Man, this is just what happened with the last five bloodless corpses that mysteriously reanimated! We are so bad at telling if people are dead or not!

SAM
Sharon, are you feeling okay? You weren’t breathing, and now you’re not showing up in Dave’s cocaine mirror!

DAVE
Dude, ixnay on the ocaine irrormay!

SHARON
No, I’m fine—I probably fainted.

SAM
What about your neck?

SHARON
Oh, y’know… hickey. Forgot my turtleneck. No, I’m fine now. I must’ve just caught that bug that’s going around.

SAM
Jesus, I hope I don’t get it. I can’t comb my hair without a mirror to save my life.

TODD
(runs fingers through hair)
Tell me about it… I mean… I totally show up in mirrors!

DAVE
(awkward)
Well, anyway—I’m glad you’re okay, but Sam and I need to motor if we wanna make that 11 o’clock meeting. Mondays huh?

SHARON & TODD
(groaning agreement)

Sam and Dave wave to them and EXIT. A beat.

TODD
So… you wanna take an early lunch?

SHARON
Sure. Anything but Dave, though. Guy’s so jacked up on coke that I’d be addicted before I hit an artery.

BLACKOUT

The Primetime Kalan, Next Saturday, October 21 at 8:30!

Hey Primetime Kalan fans! The October edition of TPK is just ten days away. What do we have on tap for you?

How about Daily Show correspondent Dan Bakkedahl? One of America's first names in satiric newscasting! Huh? Are you excited yet?










What's that? You say you like Dan Bakkedahl, but want something a little more October-y? Well how about this-- we've been spending the last month GHOST HUNTING and we've created three totally scarifying videos about our TRUE experiences seeking these visitors from BEYOND THE GRAVE!

Plus all the usual shenanigans you've come to expect from what we call The Kalan Krew (tm)*. We don't know why that nickname hasn't caught on. There's nothing cooler than self-applied alliterative sobriquets!

Also, did we mention GHOST HUNTING?

THE PRIMETIME KALAN
Saturday, October 21st, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy's No. 43
43 East 7th Street
(between 2nd and 3rd avenue)
Manhattan, NY
Tix: only $5!

And stick around after the show for our wisecrack-filled Bad Movie Night, where we'll be screening the horror classic Feeders 2: Slay Bells.



















*Elliot, Erik, myself, and sometimes Brock.

Zombira at MC2

Recycling Center: More Jokes

The rejected joke saga continues:

In June 2003 former Representative Mark Foley campaigned against child-oriented nudist camps in Florida, and was quoted as saying, "You put 11 and 18 year-olds together in a camp where they're nude, I think it is a recipe for disaster. It is like putting a match next to a gasoline can." Later it was revealed that the word "match" was actually a pet name meaning "Mark Foley's penis."

According to a new study, San Jose has the worst roads in the nation, followed by Los Angeles and San Francisco, while New Jersey has the most Thunder Roads.

More than a dozen pet owners are suing Hollywood Paws for failing to turn their animals into TV or movie stars as they had promised, and further alleging that their pets had been reduced to doing pawnography.

A cell phone company introduced a new phone called the Jitterbug that is aimed at senior citizens and features larger, easily read buttons and displays, providing the elderly with a convenient new way to not get called by their children.

A new popular event touring the country is Baby Loves Disco, in which parents bring their young children to nightclubs where they can dance. The name was chosen after "Baby Doesn't Have Too Much Choice in the Matter, Does Baby?" was deemed too on-the-nose.

Russian TV is producing a new version of he NBC sitcom "Suddenly Susan," which starred Brooke Shields. Of course, in Soviet Russia, Susan suddenlys you!

A Ukrainian man has developed a musical condom that plays louder and faster "as the sex becomes more passionate." Although for some reason, the music is muffled about half the time.

During Tuesday's episode of the O'Reilly Factor, former Representative Mark Foley mistakenly labeled a Democrat 3 times, although I'm sure it was just a harmless accident, and we shouldn't blame convicted devil-worshipping serial killer, Bill O'Reilly. Oops. Did I say serial killer? I meant "talk show host."

According to a new study, more than half of Americans admitted to "re-gifting," while the other half totally love that unicorn sweater.

Recycling Center: Jokes

Some rejected news jokes:

The number one movie at the box office this weekend was Jackass 2, which made 28 million dollars, or four million dollars per scrotal stapling.

A new study shows that breast implants have been linked to a significantly higher suicide rate among women, especially those who kill themselves via wet t-shirt electrocutions.

President Bush on Tuesday angrily criticized the leak of the report on the war in Iraq saying, "Somebody has taken it upon themselves to leak classified information for political purposes." The C.I.A. has promised to have one of their agents look into it, just as soon as they get a hold of Valerie Plame.

In an interview on Fox News Sunday, Bill Clinton accused host Chris Wallace of a "conservative hit job" for questioning Clinton's efforts to get Osama Bin Laden -- although the fact that Bin Ladin is still alive suggests that conservatives are incapable of a hit job.

Officials said Monday that the government is partially lifting its ban against carrying liquids and gels onto airliners, and will allow passengers to take on liquids purchased in secure areas of airports. So hello duty-free Wild Turkey and KY Jelly!

It was reported that Kevin Federline has removed from his upcoming debut CD the song "PopoZao," which is about women's rear-ends, and replaced it with "Crazy," which is a duet with Britney Spears, about women who marry rear-ends.

The Pentagon said Thursday that 3,800 US soldiers will be staying in Iraq about six weeks beyond their one-year combat tours, which explains the military’s new slogan, “The Army: Allow 6 to 8 Weeks for Delivery.”

Ricky Martin on Tuesday testified before Congress as part of his campaign for better laws and more money to combat global trafficking in children, a horror that Mr. Martin experienced firsthand in the mid-eighties, when he was held captive by the Menudo cartel.

An Italian musician who could not board his flight because of overbooking was so enraged that he assaulted a Turin airport worker, saying, “Where’s your shroud messiah now? Nyahhh!”

Uh, Really, We're Professionals. Trust Us.

So, somewhere along the line, the wires got crossed. The actual dates for Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular (a sketch show) are October 19, 20, 26, and 27. NOT (as previously reported) 19, 26, 27, 29.

Please do your best to ignore this mistake. We're aware it makes us seem like jackasses. Thanks.

A Trivial Diversion

Things have been a little intermittent and variable around here lately. Some of this is because I've been doing some freelance writing for blufr.com.


Powered by Answers.com:
free online dictionary and more


...which, by the way, was created by my old Robotski cohort, Jacob. So that's been taking up some of my extra time. Still, I'll keep talking to you all when I can grab a minute.

By the way, thanks to The Apiary for including the latest episode of Captains in Space in this week's New Video Wednesday.

Recycling Center: The Return of the Comics

By popular demand (seriously!) here's another one of my old comics from Ducts.org. More can be seen here.

Of Haircuts and Music Videos

So I was checking out my site statistics yesterday, and I discovered that one of the searches that led someone to my blog was "how to get paula deen's haircut."














Really? Really?

Also, if yesterday's new episode of Captains in Space wasn't enough for you, check out this video that the captains made a while back for a friend's birthday. I had nothing to do with it, but it gives me a chuckle, so I thought I'd pass it along to you. Because that's what friends do.

They share.

Captains in Space: Episode Five, "Proms Away," ONLINE!

Well, we took the summer off, and I'm sure it was a difficult wait for all of you, but our long national nightmare is over. Episode Five: Proms Away is online and ready to watch.

I wrote this episode, and it stars the usual gang of Federico Hatoum, Adam Walden, and Vedette Lim as Frankie. Oh, and who's that guest starring? Why, it's me! Yes, watch my star turn as "Robo-Dan" and finally fulfill your dream of seeing my doughy face covered in silver make-up. What does Captain Fed have to say about my performance?

It guest stars Captains scribe Dan McCoy in a role that will surely redefine the way we all see him. Remember when Harrison Ford played a bad guy in "What Lies Beneath", how everyone was, like, "Wow, that's really a different kind of role for him"? This will be similar.

Check out the site to view/read about the episode, or just download it directly, here.

If you have a video iPod, you can subscribe to Captains in Space on iTunes: search for "captains in space" and click the subscribe button, or use this link.

Or, if you're lazy and don't mind a lower-resolution picture you can just view the episode via YouTube:

Coming Soon...

(A Sketch Show)

More details pending...

Of Stabbings and Vicious Lies

As you may have heard, my guest spot at Video Gaga on Wednesday ended with my brutal stabbing at the hands of one John Kingman, so-called "co-producer" of Gaga, and a former friend.

I'd like to thank all of you for the cards and letters at this time of crisis, and assure you that I am recovering well, and that the doctors beleive I will retain the use of nearly 20% of my stomach (although spicy buffalo wings are now out! Ouch!).

At any rate, Mr. Kingman has posted a self-justifying "explaination" for his senseless attack, on his blog. (What kind of prison allows inmates blogging privileges, anyway?) I encourage you to read it only to gain insight into a sick mind.

Also, I believe his photos to be doctored. I have never met either Margaret Thatcher or Ann Coulter, and I will not stand for such character assasination. The women in the photo with me were originally Lizzie Borden and Countess Elizabeth Bathory.

Primetime Kalan TOMORROW!

This Saturday brings with it an all-new edition of The Primetime Kalan, New York's most popular talk/ variety program that's hosted by Elliott Kalan.

Tomorrow's show will be extra-special, because (aside from the usual hi-jinks from Elliott, Erik, and myself) our special guest will be Demetri Martin-- currently best-known for his "Trendspotting" segments on The Daily Show. You can see one such segment here, via Comedy Central's site. Or, for those who prefer hearing with their ears to seeing with their eyes, you can listen to Demetri on NPR.

Aside from the show's Demetriosity, what else is there to recommend it? How about a visit from sexpert Catherine Wing? Everything's better with "sex" as a prefix. Not enough? What if we throw in a video from Elliott and his "Hypocrites" partner Brock Mahan? More? Okay, you've twisted my arm. If you come to the show, you'll also get a free ticket to watch the post-apocalyptic action film Bronx Warriors, along with the wisecracking Kalanites, as part of our inaugural Bad Movie Night.

Sound good? Okay, I'll see you there.

THE PRIMETIME KALAN
Saturday, Sept. 23rd, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy's No. 43
43 East 7th Street
(between 2nd and 3rd avenue)
Manhattan, NY
Tix: only $5!

Oh, and while we're talking about Elliott, go on over and read his most recent column for Metro. It's the free newspaper real New Yorkers read, during that period between when a real homeless person hands it to them, and they get off the subway and toss it in a real New York trash can! For making our subway ride more palatable, we salute you, Metro!

Recycling Center: Comic Edition Strikes Back

Here's another of my old comics from Ducts.org. See more here.

Recycling Center: Comic Edition

Hey folks. I'm busy with a lot of other things this week, but I want to keep the site interesting, so here's a single panel comic I did for Ducts.org, where you can find more of my comics.

See Me in Video Gaga Tonight!

As mentioned previously, I will be reuniting with my old SSIOWY cohort, Ms. Sara Schaefer herself, for a cameo appearance in her new show Video Gaga. I will be on hand to deliver the week's music news. Will hi-jinks ensue? You'll have to come to find out.

Video Gaga
Wednesday, September 20, 9:30
Funny music videos by Matt Evans, Ann Carr, Vince Sabatini, and more!
Musical Guest: The Undisputed Heavyweights
Tickets $5
Reserve tickets here or call 212-366-9176
Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre
307 W. 26th Street, btw 8th & 9th

In Which I Object to the Marketing of Certain Distasteful Items

Apparently, the urinal in our office is a "Flushboy" brand toilet fixture. I am a firm believer that urinals should not be given anthropomorphic nicknames. Here are some other products that I would appreciate people not inventing:

• Plungerette
• Ipecacadet
• Bedpanymph
• Diaphramaster
• Colonoscopuppy
• Rape Whistler's Mother

See Me in Video Gaga This Wednesday

Hey folks-- so I'll be making some sort of appearance at this week's Video Gaga at the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater. I'm not entirely sure what I'll be doing (preparation! yeah!), but the show will reunite me with my former fake boss (and current AOL music correspondent) Sara Schaefer. It's like a Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You reunion... except Amanda and Kara Lee won't be there... or Patrick... oh, and the concept of the whole show is completely different. On second thought, it's more like when Susanne Pleshette showed up on Newhart.

And, yes, in this scenerio, I'm Susanne Pleshette. How can you pass that up?



Video Gaga
Musical Guest: The Undisputed Heavyweights
Wed., September 20, 9:30 pm
@ The Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater
307 West 26th Street, Manhattan
Tix: $5

Primetime Kalan, This Saturday! Plus, Unrelated Miscellany!

Elliott just can't stop shilling for The Primetime Kalan, and I just can't stop posting his shills!

--

Hello, Kalan fans!

So apparently, this saturday is Rosh Hashanah, and apparently by scheduling my next episode of the ever-entertaning PRIMETIME KALAN on that day I've incurred the wrath of the UJA and the League of Orthodox Rabbis. But what better way is there to ring in the Jewish new year than a hilarious night of Kalan-related antics?

Exactly. And with stand-up comedy megasuperultrastar Demetri Martin and sexpert Catherine Wing in tow, it's the talk show equivalent of having your name written in the Book of Life!

Also, I think God's coming, so He probably won't get mad if you show up, too.

THE PRIMETIME KALAN
Saturday, Sept. 23rd, 8:30pm

Jimmy's No. 43

43 East 7th Street (between 3rd and 2nd Ave.)

Manhattan

Tix: $5

--

Also, thanks to Fuse#8 and Oz and Ends for picking up my Wizard of Oz DVD Digest piece. Sorry that I misidentified L. Frank Baum as Frank L. Baum. If I'm gonna have children's literature people reading my site, I'm going to have to step up my research. Meanwhile, all you children's lit writers can help me out by not having a first name for your middle name. Thanks.

DVD DIGEST: Herbie: Fully Loaded

Today’s DVDs are packed to the gills with commentaries and production information, but who other than unemployed Film Comment subscribers have the time to wade through all that crap? Instead, let us do it for you. We’ll check out a new release, listen to all the commentaries (even the one that’s just the gaffers, insect wranglers, and stunt butts), view the documentaries, and boil the information down to only the most interesting tidbits.

This week’s DVD release: Herbie: Fully Loaded

Commentary Nuggets:

• The car was the hardest role to cast. When the casting director finally found one “with a mind of its own,” everyone was initally excited. However, after Brecken Myer was slaughtered in a seatbelt accident, it became clear that the car was possessed by a demonic force, and the production was only saved when a couple of 1950’s teens managed to crush it with a forklift.
• Special effects wizards used a computer to simultaneously shrink Lindsay Lohan’s breast size and the audience for the film.
• “Herbie” shared many racy stories spanning the length of his Hollywood career, including one about a three-way with Dean Martin and Don Knotts, on the set of 1977’s Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo.
• Director Angela Robinson fell in love with the project because she felt it was an inspiration to other young women who might be struggling with the issues of entering the Daytona 500 and owning a magical car.
• In an inspiring display of devotion to her craft, Lindsay Lohan spent much of the shoot “fully loaded” herself.
• Michael Keaton is just happy to be in any movie where he’s not playing a living snowman.
  

Deleted Scenes:

• An entire Antarctic subplot was cut from the film. It was later released as the documentary March of the Penguins.
• Matt Dillon’s character originally had a hobby: taking pictures of crash victims, digitally manipulating the images so the survivors appeared to be engaged in deviant sexual acts, and posting the pictures online. All scenes devoted to this hobby were cut, as it was thought to make his character seem “too unsympathetic.”
  

Hidden “Easter Egg”:

• Click on Herbie’s headlamps in the main menu, and see a picture of Lindsay Lohan back when she was a cute, shapely, redheaded young actress, and not a too-much-sunless-suntan-wearing, anorexic, bleach-blonde young cokehead. Then cry.

Recycling Center

Here's something I wrote for a publication that died before this was published. Ah, the glamorous life of a writer! Unless the search engines have steered me wrong (and it's quite possible they have), I don't think I've posted it here before. Enjoy.

DVD DIGEST

Today’s DVDs are often packed to the gills with commentaries and production information, but who other than unemployed Film Comment subscribers have the time to wade through all that crap? Instead, save your time, and let us do it for you. We’ll check out a new release, listen to all the commentaries (even the one that’s just the gaffers, insect wranglers, and stunt butts), view the documentaries, and boil the information down to only the most interesting tidbits.

This week’s DVD release: The Wizard of Oz: 3-Disc Collector’s Edition

Commentary Nuggets:

• The Flying Monkey effects were created by taking real monkeys, and forcing them to swallow whole snow owls.

• Only one of the Cowardly Lion, Scarecrow, and Tin Man is actually gay. See if you can guess which one!

• If you watch carefully, you’ll notice this continuity gaffe: at different times during the movie, Dorothy’s hair appears to be three different lengths. This is because Judy Garland is a witch, and was born without a soul.

• The "tornado" was actually a big stocking, photographed in front of miniatures of a Kansas farm. Does that turn you on?

• Although “The Wizard of Oz” synchs up beautifully with Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon,” it works even better with Paul McCartney’s “Flaming Pie.” However, no-one has ever discovered this, because no-one has ever listened to an entire post-Beatles Paul McCartney album.

• Frank L. Baum’s original book was an allegory of the 1890’s switch to the gold standard, although, surprisingly, his book “William Jennings Bryan the Fat Pink Dragon” was meant to be read straight.

• There are rumors that one of the Munchkins hung himself, and can be seen at the beginning of the “We’re Off to See the Wizard” sequence, dangling from a tree. This is an urban legend. What you are actually seeing is INXS frontman Michael Hutchence, who, in addition to being into autoerotic asphyxiation, invented time travel. His was a beautiful mind, and its loss is bitterly felt.

• Peter Bogdonovich contributes a commentary, because he’ll comment on any damn thing.

Deleted Scenes:

• The alternate ending where Dorothy stayed in Oz rather than returning to dusbowl Kansas—the studio feared that it would make children unsatisfied with their hard life of bitter struggle, and teach them that it’s okay to reach for their dreams.

• Home movies of the famous lost “Jitterbug” dance sequence, in which alcohol withdrawal gave Judy Garland such fierce jitters that it seemed like she was dancing

• The scene at the end where Mrs. Gulch returns to reclaim Toto (who earlier escaped from her bicycle basket), and then takes him to the vet to be put to sleep, was cut because it “seemed to end the movie on a down note.”

Hidden “Easter Egg”:

• If you type S.U.R.R.E.N.D.E.R. D.O.R.O.T.H.Y. into your DVD player, nothing will happen, you pervert.

New Sketch Show Coming in October

I don't have all the details to pass along to you kids yet, but keep an eye on this space. I've been working on a new Halloween-themed sketch show with some friends, and it's finally got a venue (the Sage Theater), some dates (October 19, 26, 27, and 29) and a name (Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular).

So if you like Halloween, comedy, Halloween-themed comedy, or comedy-themed Halloween, mark your calendars. More to come...










Creepy lips-sewn-together-baby would tell you to attend, except for... well, you know.

New Primetime Kalan, Coming Saturday, September 23!

I'll let Elliott do the shilling for me...

Hello Kalan fans!

This is to officially alert, announce, forebode, and warn you that next saturday, September 23rd, at 8:30pm sees another amazing new episode of your favorite live talk show, THE PRIMETIME KALAN.

This kind of thing only happens once a month, so we're pulling out a lot of stops. How many stops are we pulling out? ALL OF THEM! We are literally pulling ALL OF THE STOPS OUT!

How else would we have room for The Man Who Sees Sideways himself, megatalent comedian Demetri Martin?! And not only that, but our favorite local sexpert Catherine Wing!

Demetri displays the hoodie and comedy stare that have earned him the nickname "The Muscles from Brussels."

Those great stars PLUS the famous jokes and bits that have led to the nonstop Kalaning of America? The only excuse for missing this is if you are dead or busy.

THE PRIMETIME KALAN
Saturday, Sept. 23rd, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy's No. 43
43 East 7th Street
(between 2nd and 3rd avenue)
Manhattan, NY
Tix: only $5!

In Which I Defend My Manner of Venting Frustration Upon the World at Large

Recently, I’ve been fielding a lot of complaints about the way I insult people. Not the fact that I insult them, mind you, but the manner in which I do it. Apparently people believe my put-downs to be too “on the nose.” For instance: this morning, on the elevator, the odor wafting from a particularly pungent co-worker assaulted my senses. I yelled, “Hey, guy who smells like he does not wash quite as much as would be expected in polite society! Take a bath!” I felt I’d let loose with a particularly appropriate “zinger,” but the general opinion around the office failed to bear me out.

Or when I was nearly clipped by a bicycle messenger, and I rejoined, “Hey guy who doesn’t think that the laws of traffic don’t apply to him because he’s in a bicycle and not a car, so he runs a red light, even though, in fact, the same rules of the road apply to cyclists and motorists! Watch where you’re going!” My pleasure at having told him off was only slightly diminished by his having been approximately a mile away by the time I finished my sentence.

What’s wrong with being on the nose? Should I subtly come at my insults via oblique angles? Should I tell a woman with an annoying voice that hers is the song that the angels sing when they accidentally chew some aluminum foil? It might be more artistically satisfying. But does the message read?

In fact, I’d argue that the beauty of my insults is in their specificity. When I call someone “man who is either too stupid to realize that there are other people trying to get into the subway car, or is so disinterested in the well-being of those around him that he refuses to move away from the door, or else is some sort of sociopath,” doesn’t that give that person a clearer idea of how, exactly, he has displeased me, than “asshat” would? I’m just asking.

Certainly, if you were to insult me, I’d ask you to forgo such vulgarities, in favor of tailored insults, such as, “guy who takes a half-baked premise and then tries to pummel it into the shape of a humorous web post, but fails almost completely,” or “guy who doesn’t know how to write an end for things.”

In Which I Dispel Pernicious Rumors Regarding My Mortality

I must admit to being completely baffled by the recent outpouring of cards and letters, lamenting my passing. In an attempt to put these rumors to rest, let me assure you of this-- the reports of my death by stingray have been greatly exaggerated.

I can only assume, America, that you have somehow gotten me confused with the beloved television host and wildlife enthusiast, Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin, and his recent tragic demise. We all mourn this loss. However, while in the throes of grief, it is important to not allow such emotions to cloud the mind. I am not a hyperactive Australian adventurer. I am a sardonic Brooklyn writer/ performer. Also, I rarely wear shorts.

Thus, while I appreciate the several large donations made to wildlife preservation organizations in my name, I simply do not understand why such donations have been made. Honestly, as a man with significant student loan and credit debt, I would prefer that, should you wish to make a Dan McCoy-related contribution it be sent directly to me, in the form of large checks made out to cash.

Perhaps there has been a misprint in some widely-read obituary column, but even so, people-- please use your heads. I am a land-based mammal living in a northern state. Stingrays are tropical marine creatures. How plausible does my death sound now? Huh? Don't you feel silly?

In fact, I've compiled a short list, detailing the incidents in my life that come closest to a stingray encounter.

1990 - Stung by bee in foot (unconfirmed - bee unseen)

2001 - Present - Lived in NYC, city with largest per capita concentration of pizzerias with "Ray" in the name

2005 - Felt slightly "stung" by the length of the film Ray starring Jamie Foxx.

That's it! Hardly an extensive list!

So in conclusion, I'd just like to say, please stop sending cards and letters, as I'm totally... AAAGH! I'M BEING EATEN BY A BEAR!

In Which I Expound Upon My Sure-Fire Get-Rich Scheme, With Regards to the Prevailing Entertainment Mode of the Day

I don't watch American Idol, but its saturation into the national consciousness is such that I'm aware that exiled singers receive a montage set to that "so you had a bad day" song. Similarly, So You Think You Can Dance (which I have seen a bit of, thanks to my wife*) sends off half their contestants to a song titled "End of the Road."

Therefore, I plan to support myself by writing a hit song to be used in reality show eliminations. Producers please take note. Some sample titles:

"So You've Had a Day That Ended With You Being Eliminated From Some Sort of Talent Competition"

"Not Good Enough to Be America's Sweetheart/ Nor Bad Enough to Be its Joke"

"Ultimately, You Were Sub-Par"

"The Only Thing Worse Than Being on a Reality Show (Is Not Being on a Reality Show)"

"Hello Third Lead in a Teen-Targeted Romantic Comedy!"

"This Was, Quite Literally, the High Point of Your Life. Hope You Enjoyed it."

"Get the Fuck Out of Here!"

*in this (and only this) instance, "wife" actually does mean "wife" and not "me snuggled up in a terry-cloth robe, sipping an extra-chocolatey mudslide and softly crying."

Metapost: New Addition to Sidebar

Notice anything different in the sidebar? No. Why would you? Who in their right mind would pay enough attention to something like that?

I'll put you out of your misery-- I've added an "Upcoming Shows" section. When I started this site, the only thing I posted was information about upcoming shows (or places you could read my material, or news, etc.). I wanted it to be a place people could go, if they were curious about what I had going on, so that I wouldn't constantly be irritating everyone via email plugs. What I didn't want it to be was another blog, cluttering up the Internets with unfocused musings or navel-gazing.

However, you may have noticed (again, why would you?) that I've recently loosened things up, and started posting a wider variety of comedy-related things, in the interest of making things around here less killingly boring. I think that's a good thing; but, as a friend pointed out this weekend, it does mean that the shows-- this site's original reason to be-- have gotten a little lost in the shuffle.

So: I'll still post full information about shows in the main body of the site, as information or occasion warrants, but now the key info about upcoming shows will always be only a glance away.

Wow, I sure used a lot of words to say "upcoming shows will now be listed in the sidebar." Writing is editing, my ass.

Minor Victory Monday:The Return!

Once again, I was one of this week's finalists in Daniel Radosh's excellent New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest.

In Which I Specify My Favorite Kind of Memoir

Autopornographical.

Primetime Kalan Tidbit

For those of you who didn't make it out to the show, here's a bit from Saturday's Primetime Kalan, written by me. It went over fairly well, I think. More importantly, (1.) I got to do a mediocre Columbo impression, and (2.) I wore a trench coat borrowed from The Daily Show. Who knows who else may have worn that same coat? Corddry? Helms? A pre-Colbert-Report Stephen Colbert? Oh the comedy costume magic!

Anyway, here's the sketch:

ELLIOTT
And so if Claudette Colbert and Irene Dunne got into a knife fight, I think it would go a little something like...

DAN has ENTERED , as LIEUTENANT COLUMBO, while Elliott has been talking. He makes his way towards the stage.

COLUMBO
Mr. Kalan! Mr. Kalan!

ELLIOTT
Yes, yes, lieutenant. What are you doing here?

COLUMBO
I'm sorry to interrupt, but I just thought of a question I wanted to ask you.

ELLIOTT
Well, what is it Columbo? I'm a very busy man.

COLUMBO
Yes sir, I know; I'm sorry. It's just... you told me that when you found the body, you were alone in the house...

ELLIOTT
Yes, yes! We've been over this before!

COLUMBO
But that's just it, sir. When the sergeant arrived, he said there were two glasses of bourbon on the bar. If you were alone the whole time, why would there have been two there? I just can't figure it out.

ELLIOTT
Well, I think it's clear that I was surprised by finding the body. That sort of thing is a terrible shock. I must have forgotten about my first drink, and poured a new one without realizing it, before I called the police.

COLUMBO
That makes sense. You're probably right, that's probably it. I'm sorry to have bothered you.

ELLIOTT
Not at all, lieutenant, that's what I'm here for.

COLUMBO
(leaving)
Have a good day, sir.
(he stops)
Oh, there's just one more thing, Mr. Kalan.

ELLIOTT
(exploding)
What is it, Lieutenant! Can't you see I'm busy! I'm in the middle of a show here! I must attend to my audience!

COLUMBO
(noticing audience for the first time)
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. Please excuse me. The last thing Mrs. Columbo and I would want when we're out on the town, seeing a nice show, is some guy coming in, going on and on. Please forgive me.

ELLIOTT
Never mind about that! What's your question.

COLUMBO
Yessir. It's just... there was lipstick on the second glass. Could you explain that, sir?

ELLIOTT
Well, clearly, in my distressed frame of mind, I must have applied lipstick before pouring and drinking the second glass! It's as clear as day!

COLUMBO
(of course)
That's it. Thank you for helping me figure that out sir. I'm sorry to have bothered you.

ELLIOTT
Not at all. I'll see you later, lieutenant.

COLUMBO
I'm sure you will sir.

Columbo LEAVES through the audience, excusing himself as he passes by each table, in an elaborately and polite, but completely disruptive manner. Elliott fumes.

COLUMBO
Oh, one last thing!

ELLIOTT
(breaking down)
Fine! I'll tell you everything about that horrible horrible night! Anything you want to know! What!? What is it?

COLUMBO
Uh... where's the can?

ELLIOTT
Oh. It's right behind you, lieutenant.

COLUMBO
Thanks.

ELLIOT
As I was saying, Irene Dunne...

ERIK ENTERS as FATHER DOWLING.

FATHER DOWLING
Mr. Kalan, may I have a word with you?

ELLIOTT
Father Dowling!

FATHER DOWLING
Yes, my son. I'd like ask you some questions. There's been a disturbing incident with some poisoned communion wine, and...

ELLIOTT
Uh, Father Dowling, you know I'm Jewish, right?

FATHER DOWLING
You are? Oh. Well. I only solve Christian-themed mysteries. Sorry to have bothered you.

ELLIOTT
Finally, being Jewish pays off somehow. Anyway, as I -

FATHER DOWLING
Just one thing, if I could get serious for a moment.
(addressing the audience)
There's a petition by the door to get The Father Dowling Mysteries released on DVD. If you could just sign it on your way out, that'd be great. We're trying to get fifty thousand signatures, and right now we have... uh, two. So...

ELLIOTT
Thank you, Father Dowling!

FATHER DOWLING
Just a little bit of background on the show...

ELLIOT
Father...

FATHER DOWLING
I'm a priest in Chicago, who solves crimes. I'm assisted in my investigations by a streetwise nun who grew up in a housing project, so she can hotwire cars, and stuff...

ELLIOTT
Please, just...

FATHER DOWLING
...and it ran for three seasons, from 1987 to '91.

ELLIOTT
Father, I...
(then, surprised)
Really? That long?

FATHER DOWLING
Yes.

ELLIOTT
Are you sure it wasn't like two seasons and a Christmas special?

FATHER DOWLING
Three seasons.

ELLIOTT
(still unbelieving)
Okay. Well, anyway, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

FATHER DOWLING
Okay.
(leaving)
Remember, sign that petition! The DVDs will include the lost episode where the streetwise nun and I give into our animal lust and do it missionary-style for the whole hour.

ELLIOTT
That episode doesn't exist.

FATHER DOWLING
It does IN MY MIND!

ELLIOTT
All right! Get out of here!

If you missed this last show, cry not. We'll be doing an all-new show next month-- on September 24 to be exact-- with special guest Demetri Martin. You won't want to miss it.

Primetime Kalan TOMORROW NIGHT

Here's my last plug for tomorrow's Primetime Kalan (the live talk/ variety show for which I'm a regular writer and performer). I'll let Mr. Kalan himself do the shilling:

Hey Kalan fans!

Just a reminder that tomorrow night at 8:30pm EST sees an all new episode of THE PRIMETIME KALAN, featuring amazing guest stars and all your favorite characters! Well, we don't really have any characters, but we do have some great guest stars, like Sarah Walker and Jess Cantrell ("Walker & Cantrell") and Devon Coleman and D'Arcy Erokan ("Frowned Upon").

Plus, don't forget it's an all new event in for our show, the PRIMETIME KALAN PRIMETIME TIME CAPSULE! What is it exactly? You'll have to show up to find out! Get ready for something!

Plus: Animals! Detectives! Vengeful machinery!

It's the show that's got something for everybody who likes this show!

THE PRIMETIME KALAN - Saturday, August 26th, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy's 43
43 East 7th Street, below ground level
Manhattan
Tix: $5

More info available here and here.

In Which I Dish About the Returning Television Programs

With the new fall TV season just starting, everyone's been after me for the exclusive scoop about what lies in store for them on their favorite shows. Well, I can't deny you, America! But be forewarned: spoilers lie ahead!

House MD - I have it on very good authority that there will be an episode where Dr. House gets in trouble for his unconventional methods. Also, look for the actors playing House's team, Omar Epps, Jesse Spencer, and Jennifer Morrison, to really step up and explore their roles as "Black Guy," "Australian Guy," and "Guy Who's Actually a Girl."

24 - A highly placed source has leaked me a snippet of dialogue from an upcoming episode. His only request was that I ex out a few of the words, so as to preserve the suspense. Here we go, kiddies!

JACK
(out of breath)
Chloe, I need those XXXXXXX's routed to my XXXXXX NOW!

CHLOE
I'm on it, Jack.

BUCHANAN
(sexily)
XXXXXXXX

I can hardly wait!

Prison Break – Spies on set tell me that this season Wentworth Miller will frequently glower soulfully.



















It’s like he can see right through me! Oh Wentworth! Can't … look… away.

My Name is Earl - This season we finally get the banned "Moustache Rides" episode.

Lost - The producers promise me that the season will start with a mind-blowing revelation that will turn everything you know about the island, the survivors, and the Others completely on its head. Then, in the middle of the season, there will be another mind-blowing revelation that turns everything you know approximately ninety degrees! Then, the season ends with a third mind-blowing revelation, turning things ninety degrees again, making a full circle and returning everything to its pre-season stasis.

In between those mind-fucks, re-runs will abound; Jack will become increasingly unlikable; and Kate will remain extremely pretty, but narratively unnecessary.

Gilmore Girls – Just a sample from the astonishing season premiere:

LORELAI She's my daughter.

[Luke slaps Lorelai]

LUKE
I said I want the truth!

LORELAI
She's my sister...
[slap]
She's my daughter...
[slap]
My sister, my daughter.

[More slaps]

LUKE
I said I want the truth!

LORELAI
She's my sister AND my daughter!

The Office – Pam marries Roy, Jim moves away, Michael is fired, Dwight is promoted to manager, the entire office is miserable, it’s just like where you work, days pass into months, months into years, you never write that novel, we all die alone, and no Virginia there isn’t any Santa Claus. In hi-def, where available.

Grey's Anatomy - It will be revealed that Dr. Meredith Grey's Zellwegerian squint is due to her being developmentally disabled, which explains why she runs around screwing up other people's lives, and why her voice-over narration bears no resemblance to actual lessons one might learn from experiencing the events on her show.

Veronica Mars – In a shocking twist, the fact that Veronica Mars is now on the CW with Gilmore Girls will result in countless crossovers… in the form of sexually explicit Internet fan fiction.

I hope that these tidbits will keep you salivating until your favorite show premieres! I know that I plan to lock the door, order in take-out, create a cocoon from blankets and my own hair clippings, and stay glued to the tube ‘til spring!

Happy watching!

Plugging Friends: The Return

Again, I had no part in the making of this video, but it stars two of my old Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You cohorts (hint: the two who aren't animated paperclips). It was created for Sara's new show, Video Gaga, so if you like this, you should go check it out. Enjoy.

The First Captains in Space Fan Art

Wow-- some enterprising Livejournal user has created a series of icons immortalizing some Captains in Space quotes. Check them out here (scroll down; they start at #61). Even better, numbers 62, 64, and 65 are from the episode I wrote.

Also, if you're wondering where Captains in Space has been, the answer is that, like many shows, we've been in reruns over the summer. However, Captain Fed is working on editing the first episode of Season Two as we speak (well, not as we speak. Right now he's sitting in his office at work. But you know what I mean).

The next episode will be the most technically complex one yet, and aside from being written by me, it also features me in a guest-starring role. Why am I so self-centered? I dunno, but if it bothers you, you're probably on the wrong website.

Me, me, me!

In Which I Introduce You to My Excellent Squad of American Footballers

I was never much of a sports fan growing up. Or after growing up. Or at this precise moment. Perhaps it's because of all the jocks who beat me when I was growing up... or are beating me at this moment. It's difficult to say.

Still, I've recently fskldjfasjdvlkamsdv;akl...

Sorry about that. It's hard to type with all these jocks beating me up. What I meant to say was this: I've recently found my entree into the sports world, through fantasy football, which is the world's fastest growing hobby among young men, according to statistics collected by the part of my brain that makes stuff up. "Why not jump aboard that train?" I thought. "Fantasy football-- that sounds like fun."

So, vast Internets, allow me to introduce my fantasy football league:

The Brooklyn Good-At-Footballs

Coach: Dan McCoy

Quarterback:

Zondar the Maleficent, riding Butterfly, his unicorn. Whatever fantasy football team the Good-At-Footballs take on, they are sure to cower at the sight of this Galmorian Berserker, fully equipped with a trebuchet, which he uses to launch the football (or "stitched boarskin orb") as much as two miles. Butterfly may look girlish, but you should see him impale the opposing quarterback's skull on his mighty horn. Plus, his eyes shoot rainbows!

Running Backs:

Made up entirely of the Cheetah Men of the vast and dusty Fastlands, who run at speeds beyond human comprehension.



Kaftar will incapacitate you with his poisonous whiskers, while taunting you with his contemptuous battle cry of "Meow."

Wide Receivers:

A team of oafish giants, bred by a Slovarian slave trader to be the widest and receivingest creatures in the land!

Tight Ends:

A group of buxom cheerleaders who spend the entire season soaping one another in the locker room. Wait-- that's my football fantasy, not fantasy football. Um, ignore that... for now.

Defensive Backs:

A family of cloned Triceratops, genetically modified for increased weight, increased armor strength, and increased knowledge of football.

Linebackers:

Viking warriors, each equipped with Gondovian Battle Axes, which are noted for their capacity to cut through helmets and knee pads.

Kicker:

Strongthar of The Powerful Leg-Foot-Toe-Area, who, in addition to being the strongest and most accurate kicker of things in all the land, happens to be a powerful wizard, familiar with "The Spell of Always Winning Football Games," which makes the rest of the team kind of unnecessary.

I'll match my fantasy football team against yours any day, fellow men! So heed my call, possessors of Y chromosomes. Any takers, or are you too girl-like?

MANLY!

Primetime Kalan, August 26 - A Memo From Elliott

Hey Kalan Fans,

This is an early advance warning bulletin notifying you of an all-new PRIMETIME KALAN episode saturday, August 26th at 8:30pm.

We took July off, but we're back with a full 50 minutes to an hour (depending on how prolix Elliott is that night) of all-new entertainment and comedy. WITNESS the world's first household appliance love triangle! SEE the comedy of Walker & Cantrell! ALSO SEE the comedy of sketch duo Frowned Upon! ENJOY a surprise appearance by your favorite TV detectives! BE HORRIFIED by stories of Beatles-related trauma!

And PREPARE YOURSELF for the unveiling of The Primetime Kalan Primetime Time Capsule: A Primetime Kalan Primetime Event!

Can you afford to miss this show? Not at five dollars you can't!

THE PRIMETIME KALAN - Saturday, Aug. 26th, 8:30pm
@
Jimmy's 43
43 East 7th Street
(between 2nd and 3rd Ave.)
Tix: Only $5!!

Plugging Friends

I had nothing to do with this short, but it was done by my friend Erik, so you should take a look. It parodies the Zuiikin English "Spare Me My Life" Japanese language video.

In Which I Make an Inquiry Regarding Current "Popular" Culture

What's all this I keep hearing about Snorks on a plane?

In Which I Discourse On a Number of Subtle Distinctions, Which are Important to Note

Pod Kast - A podcast focusing on issues important to the band OutKast.

Out Cast - A podcast focusing on issues important to the gay community.

--

Swingline - A kind of stapler.

Swing Line - A boat cruise catering exclusively to wife-swappers.

--

Morning Dew - Something that often comes from a male teenager's genitals.

Mountain Dew - Urine.

--

The Pulitzer Prize - The highest honor in journalism.

The Pull It, Sir! Prize - The highest honor in masturbation.

--

Okay, this post has just devolved into a series of dirty jokes. I apologize to you all, but mostly to my parents. You put me through college for this?

In Which I Throw My Political Weight Around

As you know, the major news outlets have been dogging me for my endorsements regarding November's elections. Clearly, my political influence cannot be undervalued (forget Tippecanoe and Tyler too, I made William Henry Harrison). Still, I resisted being pushed into making a decision before I was ready-- wielding such credibility with the public and the political elite is truly an awesome responsibility.

Thus, it was only after much consideration that I am now ready to reveal who I will be backing in the following races. Associated Press take note!

First, the local match-ups:

Governor:

George Pataki vs. A Small Pebble Wedged in My Shoe

PICK: Small Pebble Wedged in My Shoe - Sure, it's an annoyance, at least until I have an opportunity to bend down and remove it, but it seems to care more about New York City. Pebble, you've been backed!

Mayor:

Hon. Edward McCheese vs. Big Bird

PICK: Big Bird. Despite his previous mayoral experience, I doubt that a Kroftian, anthropomorphic cheeseburger has what it takes to manage the largest metropolitan area in the U.S. On the other hand, Big Bird is a lifelong NYC native (no carpetbagger here!) who has managed to keep the peace on Sesame Street, despite the impending human gentrification of his historically Muppet neighborhood.

District Alderman:

Caldecott Alder Mann vs. James K. Badchoiceforalderman

PICK: Alder Mann - Not sure why; I just have a gut feeling on this one. Also, what kind of crazy long surname is his challenger sporting? Just try and fit that on a ballot!

Next up, the Senate:

Florida:

Bud Light vs. Bud Dry

PICK: Bud Light - After the political fiasco that was Bud Bowl XVIII, I thought the incumbent's hopes were dashed forever, but this appears to be the rivalry that won't quit. I'm throwing my support behind B. Light, because its fewer calories mean less alcoholic content, and who wants a drunk in charge of school lunches?

New Jersey:

A Horsefly vs. Inflatable Water Wings

PICK: Water Wings. I've been stung by Horseflies before!*

*this joke courtesy of Victoria Tucker, age 8, Gary, IN.

Rhode Island:

OK! Soda vs. Two Aggies and a Steelie

PICK: Two Aggies and a Steelie - I'm not sure what makes a little-known, hipster-marketing-driven orange-cola from the '90s think its profile is high enough to win such a high elected office, but I do know that it's nowhere near as valuable as a good steelie, especially if you're playing for keepsies.

Pennsylvania:

Five Years of Unrelenting Physical and Psychological Torture vs. Sixty Pages of Fully Nude Photos of Scarlett Johansson in Various Positions, or, if You Are a Woman or Gay Man, Hugh Jackman

PICK: Nude Photos - Some races are so overmatched, one wonders why they bother. I mean, Nude Photos is the incumbent, and Unrelenting Physical and Psychological Torture is running as a Green. Hello!?

Nebraska:

North Dakota vs. South Dakota

PICK: South Dakota - I'm not sure how other states are able to run in Congressional races for a third state, but when you're picking between these two, always pick the warmer one, that's my motto!

Well, anyway, those are my picks, and I think they're pretty...

What?

What's that you say?

You say that the document I was using as a reference to make my choices wasn't a list of political candidates at all, but simply a list of entirely random words and phrases created by a random word and phrase generator that you invented for some reason?

Well, in that case, why were they grouped in twos with the abbreviation "vs." between each one of them?

You're trying to tell me that "vs." just happened to be randomly generated multiple times? That seems highly unlikely-- out of the millions of words in the English language, for "vs." to appear eight times seems disproportionate to the point of near-impossibility...

Well, yes, I suppose that if you invented a random word and phrase generator, you are more of an expert in probability than I am. I'm sorry to have doubted you. It's just irritating to have made all these crazy endorsement choices.

Oh well, can't change them now. Too weak. Too flip-floppy. Stay the course, etc. America, you have your work cut out for you:

(1.) Get these fictional characters/ inanimate objects on the ballot in your state or district.

(2.) Elect the appropriate one.

(3.) Recieve my heartfelt thanks.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have thousands of signatures to forge.

New Primetime Kalan, Coming August 26

Hey, friends. Like I've said before, comedy slows down a bit in the summer, preferring to lie low, rather than risk a melanoma on its fair-skinned underbelly. However, things are starting to pick up again, starting with The Primetime Kalan.

Following our sell-out June show (the first in our new venue), The Primetime Kalan took a short summer break in July; but we're back in full force on August 26! Put it on your calendar now, forgetful ones! I'll probably only mention it three other times before then!

The Primetime Kalan August 26 at 8:30 PM @ Jimmy's No. 43 Located downstairs at 43 East 7th Street between 2nd and 3rd Avenue. By Subway: Take the 6 to Astor Place/ Take the R/W to 8th Street/ Take the F train to 2nd Avenue.
The cost is $5 - No drink minimum!

Our guests will be the lovely, funny Walker and Cantrell. Take a moment to visit their website, and watch their great short video, "Surviving Geddes." Or read one of the prose pieces housed there. I'm a particular fan of "So You've Knocked Over a Row of a Motorcycle Gang's Motorcyles."


















Walker and Cantrell explore the exotic world of aluminum siding.

Plus, a special appearance by the funny, lovely "Frowned Upon" (AKA Devon T. Coleman and D'Arcy Erokan).















Devon points to D'Arcy, to indicate that she is, indeed, squatting atop a pedestal.

As always, the show will also feature Elliott's patented hostly stylings, a video from Brock Mahan, and writing/ performing assistance from Erik Marcisak and myself.

The Primetime Kalan will return yet again on September the 24th. Isn't it torture to wait a whole month between these things? Better make sure to go to every show, so you can load up on Primetime Kalan goodness while you can.

Also, some friends and I have something special cooking for Halloween. So stay tuned.

Please Vote for My Friend Liz

...who is a great person, who looks great in underwear.







"Vote for me! I'm the classy one!"

Now back to the regularly scheduled lack of posting.

Mondays Are Made for Minor Victories

I'm one of last week's finalists in Daniel Radosh's weekly New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest. Huzzah!

An Orgy of Self-Reflexive Posting

The folks over at the comic book blog Kung Fu Rodeo posted our Primetime Kalan Superman videos, one per day, over this past weekend. Thanks, comics fans, for overlooking our lousy production values in order to enjoy a few spandex-clad laughs.

Also, The Apiary picked up my hate piece about Shouts and Murmurs. Unlike everyone else on the Internet, I usually try not to badmouth anyone, but I made an (apparently newsworthy) exception. My only fear is that Libby Gelman-Waxler will put a hit out on me. Sorry, Mr. Rudnick. You did write one thing I sort of enjoyed, once.

Water Recycling

In honor of this weekend's release of M. Night Shymalan's Lady in the Water, I direct you to my previously-mentioned humor piece, M. Night Shymalan's Modern Library.

Thank you, M. Night, for making us laugh at falling in love... again.




















Paul Giamatti and Bryce Dallas Howard hide from water-allergic aliens.

Shouts and Vitriol

Tthis piece in the most recent New Yorker, American Idol World Court, by Paul Rudnick, is so unfunny that it provoked nothing but rage-- much more so than I will ever feel after reading any Seymore Hersh reportage detailing the failings of the Bush Administration. (And thank you Mr. Rudnick for pointing out how shallow I am.)

Why do I hate it so?

1. It's so incredibly original! No one has EVER thought to compare American Idol and national/ world politics!* What a fresh take! Surely no-one would ever think to compare an incredibly popular, incredibly fluffy, television program--one with elements that include voting and judges--to government and related issues! Get this-- they're passing judgement, but on serious things.

Here's a tip: when a Mandy Moore movie has done it already, your premise may have lost some of its satiric edge.

2. Wow, you're right! Randy Jackson sure does say "dawg" a lot. And Paula is spacy! And Simon is a jerk! It's like you've GOTTEN INSIDE THEIR HEADS!

3. Mr. Rudnick has made the bold decision to wait a full four seasons to drop this jewel on us. Also, he's decided to run it while the show is between seasons, and thus foremost in everyone's mind.

4. He probably got paid a couple of grand for shitting out this piece... although that can't compare to the hundreds of thousands he likely made for writing such hilarious films as Isn't She Great, Marci X, and The Stepford Wives, whereas...

5. Shouts and Murmurs has rejected all the pieces I've sent to them. And I have no money.

Yeah... my grapes are probably a bit sour.

But read the following rejected piece, and tell me that it's not eight times as funny as anything they've printed in the last year:

--

Frankenfranken

By Dan McCoy

The following is a transcript of the now infamous "Frankenfranken" program that aired at 2 am on July 17, 2005. It was the last episode of the program ever to be produced.

ANNOUNCER
Coming up next, we have The Frankenfranken Show, which will carry you on through 'til morning. This is Air America. The time is 2:05 AM.

Theme: Feed My Frankenstein by Alice Cooper. Fade out.

FRANKENFRANKEN
Grrrr…. Hello. Welcome to Frankenfranken show. Me host, Frankenfranken, telling you Republicans are dead wrong, and me should know what I talk about. Ha ha. BECAUSE FRANKENFRANKEN DEAD! GET IT? GRRRRR! LAUGH, STUPID LISTENERS!

Sound of a cattle prod.

FRANKENFRANKEN
GRAHHH! (incoherent mumbling) Frankenfranken is sorry he said that. Frankenfranken knows he should not insult own audience. Let's take call.

CALLER #1
…

FRANKENFRANKEN
Caller?

CALLER #1
He—Hello?

FRANKENFRANKEN
Yes?

CALLER #1
Is this the Al Franken Show?

FRANKENFRANKEN
NO! NEXT CALLER!

CALLER #2
Hi. Mr. Franken, don't you think that naming your book "Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot" helped lower the level of political discourse in this country?

FRANKENFRANKEN
AAAAARRRRRRGGHHHH!!!

Sound of phone being crushed.

FRANKENFRANKEN
How many times does Frankenfranken have to explain to you people? Frankenfranken and Al Franken not the same. Frankenfranken created by Air America in effort to plug gigantic hole in least-popular overnight time slot. Me stitched together from parts of six dead Al Franken clones and one box Frankenberry™ brand cereal, then reanimated using power of lighting bolt that strike Air America broadcasting tower! IS VERY SIMPLE!

Long pause.

FRANKENFRANKEN
So to answer question: Frankenfranken not write Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot. Frankenfranken write much less popular book "If Rush Limbaugh Reanimated Corpse, He Still Be Dumb." Besides, me believe Al Franken book title meant as parody of Limbaugh own rhetorical attacks.

Sound of newspaper clumsily being opened.

FRANKENFRANKEN
So, while they bring new phone, let's talk. What in paper… George Bush say global warming need more study. George Bush say no stem cell research. George Bush say war in Iraq front line in war on terror. George Bush, George Bush, GEORGE BUSH! URGH! BUSH MAKE ME SO MAD! ANY CALLER BUSH MAKE MAD TOO, CALL IN! TALK TO FRANKENFRANKEN! CALL!

CALLER #3
Is this Frankenfranken?

FRANKENFRANKEN
YES!... Yes, is Frankenfranken. You hate Bush?

CALLER #3
Sure, sure… I'm a lifelong democrat, but that's not why I called. Did you say that you were stitched together from six dead clones of Al Franken and one box of Frankenberry cereal?

FRANKENFRANKEN
(Sigh) Yes, Frankenfranken say that.

CALLER #3
Why did they add the box of Frankenberry cereal?

FRANKENFRANKEN
You not think Frankenfranken ask self same question? Frankenfranken wonders every day! Is all Frankenfranken can do to keep from clawing at self to get at the delicious strawberry-flavored cereal that lies beneath! FRANKENFRANKEN NOT ASK TO BE CREATED! FRANKENFRANKEN JUST AS AIR AMERICA MAKE ME!

Sound of a cattle prod. Incoherent muttering.

CALLER #3
Well, also—you're stitched together from six dead Al Franken clones? Why murder six clones, pull them apart, put them back together, and reanimate them? It seems like a lot of trouble. If you have the technology to make a Franken clone, then why not just give the clone a show?

FRANKENFRANKEN
Because Air America mad with power! Air America discover secret of reanimating dead tissue, and decide to play God! Frankenfranken made up of six dead clones because Air America take the most liberal body part from each Al Franken, to create unholy super-liberal!

CALLER #3
Okay, now that just doesn't make sense. If these were all clones, surely the liberalism would be distributed exactly the same in…

Sound of Frankenfranken hanging up.

FRANKENFRANKEN
CALLERS! STOP MAKING FRANKENFRANKEN QUESTION MEANING OF OWN EXISTENCE! IT ENRAGES FRANKENFRANKEN! Of course Frankenfranken's life raises all kinds of questions! Frankenfranken is deeply conflicted about own existence! For example: as super-liberal, Frankenfranken appreciate cloning technology in relation to stem cells as possible medical boon. On other hand, as reanimated clone, Frankenfranken feels self to be abomination before God!

Incoherent chatter from engineer's booth. Sound of torch being lit.

FRANKENFRANKEN
Also, Frankenfranken wonder about own free will! Is Frankenfranken a liberal because me so chose? Or is Frankenfranken liberal because me stitched together from parts of liberal?! And is sound of torch being lit really sound that can be recognized over radio, then later transcribed for transcript purposes?!

Sound of scuffle, things being knocked over.

FRANKENFRANKEN
URRRRH! FIRE! FIRE BAD! NOOOOOOO!

Sound of burning studio collapsing. Static. Silence.

ANNOUNCER
Next, on Air America: Zombie Adlai Stevenson.

--

So, call me, The New Yorker. I may insult you, but I only do it out of love. Love, and the desire for you to send me large checks, and not to a guy who made a movie where Lisa Kudrow runs a rap label.

Seriously, fuck Paul Rudnick.

*to quote The Simpsons, "In case you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic."

A Video Done By & For Some Friends

I had no part in making the following video, but it was put together by two of my fellow Kalan writers, Brock and Erik, for Sara Schaefer's new show. So I thought you fine people might be interested. It shows two of Weird Al's new songs, and one lost "classic."

Kalan Summer Update

After the sold-out success of the premiere of The Primetime Kalan at Jimmy's No. 43, we're taking the month of July off. (Nothing keeps the momentum going like taking a vacation right after the premiere! Soon we'll be as popular as LOST!)

However, fear not, Kalantites! Our inimitable brand of absurdist talk/ variety show will return in August and September-- Saturday August the 26th and Saturday August the 23rd, both at 8:30, to be exact. $5, no cover, as always. We've got some hilarious things planned involving stuffed animals and trench coats.

So mark your calendars for fun, if you're the sort of anal person who marks their calendars with comedy shows a month in advance. I hope you are!













Elliott has a Doogie Howser moment.

Blurbed!

In an unprompted response to one of my previous posts, Elliott Kalan, of the smash hit "The Primetime Kalan" has provided me with the following blurb...

"Dan McCoy is a grown man with the mischievous enthusiasm of a small boy who has somehow talked his way into a teaching position at Harvard University."

Thanks, Elliott! Only a man with your "devestating, Byronic good looks"* could be so singularly perceptive!

*Source: email from E. Kalan to D. McCoy, July 12, 2006.

Show Photos

Here's a picture from the Very British 4th of July show, which Eric Zuckerman and I hosted in the guise of Bob Hoskins and Michael Caine. I'm the hatless one who looks nothing like Caine.



Thanks to my lovely wife for the photo. Larger version available here.

Update: I'm adding the following picture of Eric and me drinking. Previously you had to follow us around until we went to a bar and wait a couple seconds to get this kind of sweet, sweet action. Thanks, Internet!



And lastly, here's one of Matt Koff, from the Summer Funtime Special, to disturb and alarm you.

Site Milestone

Well, the odometer rolled over past 10,000 visitors today (although most of those hits were probably from either librarians or me). It's a tiny mark of success, I suppose, with the emphasis on tiny-- which in many ways is fine.

The other day I was pondering about how most successful comedians have a persona, and about how I don't have one, which, in turn, is probably why I don't usually think of myself as a comedian as much as a comedy writer (although I perform fairly often). I've settled into my role as the guy in the background, the staff writer (whether it be for the now defunct Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, or the currently running Primetime Kalan), or the guy who does some guest writing or performing in his friends' shows.

Most of the time this is cool with me. My career goal is to be a TV or screenwriter, not a comedy star, so I'm kind of training for that, with all my current stuff.

Still, just because I'm the support guy, doesn't mean I'm not an egomaniac (I did chose show business-- such as it is-- after all). Sometimes I feel like being in the background causes people to underrate what I'm capable of. Plus, I originally came to NYC to be an actor. I know my way around the stage. I could do more performing, or write stuff for myself to perform, and I'd be good at it.

And yet... I don't know that I have something specific that I, as myself, need to present to the world. No individual comic persona. So I don't end up doing my own thing very often.

Sorry that this hasn't been either (1.) a plug, my stated reason for maintaining this site, or (2.) funny, what I'm theoretically attempting the rest of the time. It's just something that occured to me recently, when I was thinking about blurbs.

Blurbs? Where the hell did that come from? Well, here's what I mean. If I was writing a quote about my former fake boss, Sara Schaefer, I might say something like:

"Her endearingly awkward presence belies a surprisingly sharp wit. A master of daffy self-effacement!"

Not great prose, but you get the picture. Or my current "boss," Elliott Kalan:

"A geek's geek, Kalan spins comic gold from supposedly cult subjects, his likable delivery making them accessible to his whole audience."

Whereas my blurb would be:

"His endearingly self-effacing exterior fails to belie an apologetic interior. His dry delivery makes slightly amusing a series of increasingly baffling references. Pleasantly regressive."

My friend Rob Bates co-wrote an entire sketch show for Rick Murphy, inspired by what he saw as Rick's comic persona. The title? "Rick Murphy is an Asshole."

Here are some suggested titles for my show:

"Dan McCoy May Come Off as Somewhat Cold if You Don't Know Him That Well, But Actually He's Just Sort of Shy."

"Dan McCoy is Politely Nodding After Everything You Say."

"Dan McCoy is Expressing Increasingly-Less-Dignified Befuddlement as the Straight Man in this Sketch."

"Dan McCoy Doesn't Mind a Laugh at His Own Expense, Provided He Helped Script It or is Otherwise Involved."

"Dan McCoy is Vaguely Dissatisfied With Life and Reacts With Mildly Cutting Remarks."

"Dan McCoy, Like Most People in Comedy, Probably Secretly Thinks He's Funnier Than You, but He Also Respects What You've Done, and Suspects He May Be Wrong About The Funnier Than You Thing."

"Dan McCoy Makes an Appropriate Pop Culture Reference, but Not Too Frequently, Because That Would Be Pandering and Lazy."

"Dan McCoy Loves To Dance, If You Get a Few Drinks In Him."

Etc.

Reviewed

This website reviewed the show I was in on Wednesday. You can read the whole thing*, but I'll skip you to the pertinent paragraph:

"Spot on, also, were Eric Zuckerman as Bob Hoskins and Dan McCoy as Michael Caine, performing patter in character to wrap around all the sketches from beginning to end. McCoy didn’t try to look much like him, but had Caine’s voice perfectly."

True enough, although to make me look like Caine, I'd have to wear a curly blond wig, which would probably just confuse audience members who would wonder why Harpo Marx** was talking like the old guy from Batman Begins.

Anyway, thanks to the reviewer for the kind words-- with this endorsement I can finally enter the lucrative field of voice-only celebrity impersonation. For only $10, I will call any friend or family member you choose, pretending to be the star of Irwin Allen's The Swarm. What a deal!

*A note, if you do read the rest of the review-- the show was actually called "A Very British Fourth of July" and "The Summer Funtime Special" was actually the name of one of the groups that performed. I think this got a little (understandably) muddled.

**Yes, I know that Harpo's wig was originally light pink, and later red, but it tended to read as blond onscreen. Thus, I made this joke, because it's doubtful that anyone reading is as big a Marx Brothers nerd as me. Then again, this is the Internet.

5th of July Spectacular, Tonight

Hot off the promo presses...

Join hosts Michael Caine and Bob Hoskins (really Dan McCoy and Eric Zuckerman) for an evening of sketch comedy and 4th of July related festivities. This may be your only chance to celebrate America's Independence with a pair of award-winning British actors. And isn't that the way George Washington would have wanted it?

With sketch comedy by The Summer Funtime Special, Freedumb and a special sneak preview of Uncle Sam's Satiric Spectacular.

A Very British 4th of July
presented by Manhattan Comedy Collective
Hosted by Michael Caine & Bob Hoskins
with sketch comedy by Freedumb, Uncle Sam's Satiric Spectacular, and The Summer Funtime Special
Wednesday, July 5th at 8:00pm
at Jimmy's No 43
43 E 7th St. (downstairs)
between 2nd/3rd Ave.
6 to Astor Place;R/W to 8th St., F/V to 2nd Avenue
$7.00 - No Drink Minimum
Advance Tickets available