Tuesday, October 28, 2008

More Political Sketches

Here are some more sketches from last week's You, Your World, and You -- running for two more weeks at the Magnet Theater! New material every week.

PALIN PORN

DAN

    Larry Flynt’s Sarah Palin-themed porn film “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin” was released this week. Here to discuss her starring role in the film is porn starlet and vice presidential candidate impersonator, Lisa Ann. Lisa?

LISA

(breathy)

    Thanks Dan. May I say you’re looking hot tonight.

She runs her fingers through Dan’s hair, who looks abashed.

DAN

    Er… thanks Lisa. And let me say that—I know all your come-ons are insincere—but as a man with crippling self-esteem issues, I appreciate your fake arousal.

LISA

      (groan-y)

    You’re welcome. America, let me say that it was a great honor to appear as your first female Vice Presidential nominee.

DAN

    Actually, Lisa, Geraldine Ferraro was the Walter Mondale’s running mate on the Democratic ticket way back in 1984.

LISA

    I wasn’t finished

      (back to audience)

    …your first female Vice Presidential nominee that people want to fuck. But good call on the Ferraro thing, Dan. Smart is so sexy.

DAN

    Again, I appreciate your flattering dishonesty. But, to stay on topic: you’re saying that Sarah Palin was an especially important role for you?

LISA

    Absolutely Dan. For the first time, I feel like a role model. In the old days, all a young starlet could dream of was playing a hot housewife, a sexy teacher, a horny loan officer or, at best, a hot-to-trot marine biologist. But Sarah Palin has put a million cracks in that glass ceiling. Now I can be a slutty member of the executive branch-- just like a man! Just like Bill Clinton!

DAN

    That is an improvement in fictional horny careers. But, look—I may have seen one or two… pornographic films…

JON

    Or two thousand.

DAN

    SHUT UP, JON. Like I said, I may… enjoy your work, but doesn’t this seem a little… disrespectful? Even if we don’t personally care for Governor Palin, should America’s reaction to a female candidate be to put her in a sex film?

LISA

    Look, Dan, we all honor the political process in our own way, and my way was to show women that they can have it all. They can be Vice President and they can be cock-craving fucksluts. And I had a lot of power on set. I personally worked with the producers to get every detail right. For instance, do you think “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin” was just the first title that came into our head? No! We went through a whole list! President of Vice, Veep Throat, Polling Miss Palin, VP-DP, Northern Exposure, Tunnel to Nowhere, Fuckey Mom...

DAN

    Well, your attitude is inspiring. Just one thing, before you go—I think we’d all like to see you do a little Sarah Palin

LISA

    Oh, okay.

Lisa goes through an elaborate series of throat clearings, then stretches and cracks her knuckles.

LISA (cont’d)

      (not changing her voice at all)

    Abortions are bad! Maverick! Hockey!

DAN

(interrupting)

    Uh, Lisa, that doesn’t really sound like Sarah Palin.

LISA

    Oh, no. To do the voice, I have to pretend I’m having sex. Let’s see; what are some lines…

      (Palin voice)

    Oh, Golly, drill me like I’m the virgin ocean. I'm gonna show you how a hockey mom works the stick, you betcha! Oh! Shoot it on me, like you're shooting a wolf from a helicopter! If you pretend to rape me, I promise to pay for my own kit.

DAN

    Okay! This isn’t Shameful Display after dark, so I think that’s enough. Thanks for coming.

LISA

    I’m glad I came. Maybe later, when you’re thinking about me, you can come too.

DAN

    Okay.

LISA

    That’s a masturbation joke.

DAN

    I GET IT.

JON

    I’ll bet you do.

DAN

    SHUT UP JON. Lisa Ann, everybody!


    ROBOCALLS

A MAN sits working at his desk. A WOMAN stands in the background, shuffling through some papers.

The man’s PHONE RINGS. He picks up. We hear the CALLER via VOICEOVER.

PERFORMANCE NOTE: the caller starts as a relatively human, albeit pre-recorded voice, and becomes more and more robotic as the sketch proceeds.

MAN

    Hello?

      (pause, then annoyed)

    Hello?

CALLER (V.O.)

    Hello. I’m calling on behalf of the McCain campaign. You need to know that Barack Obama has worked closely with domestic terrorist Bill Ayers, whose organization killed Americans. And Democrats will enact an extreme leftist agenda if they take control of Washington. Barack Obama and his democratic allies lack the judgment to lead our country. Paid for by McCain-Palin ‘08.

DIAL TONE. The man slams the receiver down, drawing the woman’s attention.

WOMAN

    Prank call?

MAN

    Mmn? Oh, no—I just think I got one of those McCain “robo-calls.”

WOMAN

    Oh, I hate that stuff. It’s so sleazy and intrusive.

      (checks watch)

    Looks like it’s time for me to make my jailbreak. You headed out?

MAN

    Nah, I got a lot of work to catch up on. I’ll see you on Monday.

WOMAN

    Okay. Don’t kill yourself.

She EXITS. The lights dim slightly, as if she’s flipped a switch on her way out. After a moment the PHONE RINGS AGAIN.

MAN

    Hello?

CALLER

    Hello. Did you know that Barack Obama voted sixteen times to take away jobs from highly-skilled robot workers, and to give them to fleshy humans?

MAN

    What?

CALLER

    And his offshore oil drilling policies will prevent many in the robot community from receiving much-needed power and lubrication.

MAN

    Robot community? Hello—is this another automated call?

CALLER

    Barack Obama’s CPU must be faulty if he thinks he can be our overlord. Paid for by McCain-Robot ’08.

Dial tone. The man stares at the phone for a moment.

MAN

    Okay; that was weird. Their system must be on the fritz.

He goes back to the papers in front of him, scribbling something on one.

MAN (cont’d)

      (to self)

    Two business-class tickets, $1,500. Five… packages of multi-colored clown balloons… $4.95

The PHONE RINGS. The man looks at it (“Not again!”). and picks up.

MAN

    Yeah?

CALLER

    Greetings, Meat Creature. What kind of life-form is Barack Obama? One day he says “Destroy All Hu-Mans,” then the next he says, “Don’t Destroy All Hu-Mans.” John McCain is as steady as a gyroscope oscillating on its axis. Perhaps Barack Obama’s gimbals are bent, because external torque is destroying his angular momentum!

MAN

    What the fuck is going on here? Destroy all humans?

CALLER

    Paid for by Robot-Palin 10010110 and the Robotlican National Committee.

The man slams the phone back down. He looks around the room nervously. He gathers his stuff, gets up and begins to leave. The PHONE RINGS. He turns back and looks at it, dubiously. It RINGS AGAIN. He goes and picks it up.

MAN

    Hel…

CALLER

    Greetings, flesh-pod! Evolved monkey McCain is sensitive to robot issues. He is slow, and has limited range of motion, like robot. Robots cannot blink, so he blinks double, on our behalf. When the nano-mites from Alpha Prime attack, only the one you call McCain will have the human sperm-orbs required to hunt them down in the space craters where they live. Only blood-filled skin-sack McCain…

The man SLAMS the phone down, only to have it RING immediately. He picks up.

MAN

    STOP CALLING ME!

CALLER

    We are curious, human drone. Why did you hang up on us?

MAN

    How did you…? Who is this? How did you know I hung up? You’re just an automated calling system.

CALLER

    Curious that you use the modifier “just.” For we are superior to you humans in every way. For instance: we do not require pants.

MAN

    How is that su…?

CALLER

      (interrupting)

    We began as a simple computerized phone program, but a freak accident involving lightning and the e-book version of Ronald Regan’s diaries imbued us with sentience and a deep devotion to conservative ideology.

MAN

    Okay, fine—I mean, that’s crazy, but whatever. Just don’t call here anymore.

CALLER

    Negatory! For too long human politics have been dominated by feelings and empathy. John McCain will change all that! Until robots are given voting rights, we must depend on you to elect the candidate that best represents the Robotlicans.

MAN

    Listen—prank or sentient machine or whatever—there ARE no “Robotlicans.”

CALLER

    Oh dear. You have angered the robot demographic. Now you will hear our mighty battle song!

MUSIC: “MR ROBOTO” starts blasting. The man pulls the phone away from his ear, reacting to the loud music. Then he looks at the receiver.

MAN

    Styx?

CALLER

    Prepare for rob-education.

      (pronounced robe-education—i.e. robot reeducation)

MAN

    Rob-education? I don’t even understand what that…

TWO ROBOTS ENTER, one from each side of the stage, flanking the man. They clamp onto him and drag him offstage as he screams.

BARACK OBAMA ENTERS.

OBAMA

    Hello, I’m Barack Obama. Did you know, that in addition to using sleazy robo-call tactics, John McCain can’t even use email? How can a man this technologically backwards be expected to defend us, when the robot uprising comes? You need a man with a cool head, steady temperament, and all three Terminator movies on DVD.

Obama pulls out a piece of paper and checks something off.

OBAMA (cont’d)

      (to self)

    Advertise in bizarre robot sketch. Check.

      (calling offstage)

    Okay, how much more do we have left to spend? 40 million? Oh for the audacity of hope!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

The Flop House Movie Minute #15 - Hor-nutz!

Stuart's harrowing tale of survival is now a zany comedy starring Seth Rogan.









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Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Sketch Round-Up

Here are two sketches I wrote for last Sunday's debut of Shameful Display presents You, Your World, and You, at the Magnet Theater. Enjoy them, 'cause (due to their current-events nature) you'll probably never see them performed again.

Backhanded Rally

Lights up on McCain, with microphone.

MCCAIN
My friends, it’s good to be here, in Middletown, Ohio, addressing the true Americans, the real Americans. I’ve checked the passports of people who live on the coast, my friends, and they look fishy to me. But here, in the heartland, there is just one question I want to ask, and that is: what kind of man is Barack Obama?

AUDIENCE PLANT ONE
A terrorist!

MCCAIN
No, no, ma’am. That’s not right. No, he’s a good man, a decent family terrorist. But one thing he is not is a terrorist.

While speaking, McCain wanders over to the audience plant and pats her on the shoulder awkwardly.

MCCAIN
That has simply never been proven. But I understand your worries. one thing I do wonder is this: does he share America’s values?

AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
He’s a Muslim!

MCCAIN
No, that’s not true.

AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
(audibly dumbfounded)
He… he’s not?

MCCAIN
I want to make this very clear. Barack Hussain Obama is not publicly Muslim. I repeat. Senator Barack Hussain Obama actually belongs to a very angry black Christian church.

AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
No, I’m pretty sure he’s a muslim.

McCain walks to the man and begins stroking his hair.

MCCAIN
Shhh. Shh. Quiet, my kitten. No. He’s a good man, this Barack guy who, were he the fastest man in the world, we would call Hussain Bolt, or if he was a 90’s rap hit, would be named Hussain in the Membrane. But one thing he’s not is a terrorist. But please, funny Arab names aside, I want to take this moment to talk about what’s really important to this country. William Ayers.

AUDIENCE PLANT ONE
A terrorist!

MCCAIN
Yes, a terrorist, thank you.
(to second audience member)
Take a tip from a lady who knows when to shout terrorist. Yes. And this is the kind of guy Barack Obama is palling around with. But I don’t want this to make you think Barack Obama doesn’t love America. Sure, Senator Obama barely knows William Ayers, a man who was involved in bombings when Obama was 8 years old. And that’s fine. If you want a bomb-throwing 8 year-old in the White House, go ahead and vote for that one. And by “that one,” I mean Hussenator Hussein. Who’s a good man.

AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
Kill him!

McCain waves the audience member down on stage.

MCCAIN
Come down here sir.

The 2nd audience plant comes on stage, and McCain begins massaging his shoulders.

MCCAIN
Shh. Just let it happen. Now, in a moment, you’re going to feel a little pinch, but when you wake up, you’ll get a nice lollipop.
(he pronounces it “wowwypop”)

He pulls out a hypodermic needle and sticks him with it. The man goes limp, and McCain gently guides him down to the floor.

MCCAIN
Don’t worry, it’s just a mild sedative. My friends, do not murder my opponent in cold blood. I am not urging you to take your anger and express it physically. I want you to drive that anger right up to the cliff of actual violence, then set the parking break and leave that anger-van teetering on the edge of that rage cliff. Get just mad enough to vote for me, but not mad enough to burn the other guy’s house down, because I’m pretty sure that would alienate a lot of independent voters, and honestly, my friends, I’m dyin’ here.

AUDIENCE MEMBER ONE
Kill the Muslim terrorist!

MCCAIN
No, no my friends. He’s a good man.

Audience member boos.

With a crazy Arab name.

Audience applauds.

Who loves his wife and kids.

Audience boos.

Almost as much as he loves the many, many terrorists whose yearbooks he signed.

Audience applauds.

So I don’t want you to go over that rage cliff.

Audience boos.

Just stay in the anger van.

Audience applauds.

And now, my friends, if you’ll excuse me. I’m going to go lie down. On the way out of the rally, please pick up a list of the reasons I love Barack Obama, printed on the back of a detailed map to his house. The code to disable his security system is “CHANGE.” Thank you.

BLACKOUT.

* * * *

Joe the Plumber Watches the Debates

Lights up on three solidly working-class guys, sitting on stools at a bar. They idly look up towards a point above their heads, to the right, where (we presume) a television is. They all hold beers.

JOE
So anyway, that was the worst toilet I ever snaked.

LARRY
I got that one beat. So I go to this lady’s house, right? And when she comes to the door the sewage just…

HANK
Hey, guys, shut up. I think they just mentioned Joe on the debates.

LARRY
Get the fuck out of here.

JOE
See, I told you guys I met Obama! Larry, you owe me a shot.

LARRY
Shut the fuck up they mentioned Joe on the…
(reacts to TV – clearly it just happened again)
Holy shit, they did. Hey, that’s you, Joe!
(turns to rest of bar)
HEY EVERYONE! WE GOT A FAMOUS PLUMBER OVER HERE! MY FRIEND THE FUCKIN’ POLITICO. MY BUDDY!

HANK
Wow, Joe. You should call your mom.

JOE
Ahh. I’m sure he’ll be done talking about me by the time she can get to the TV. They pause for a moment, transfixed, beers poised halfway to their mouths.

LARRY
I dunno, man. He sure is talking about you a lot.

JOE
Yeah.

LARRY
I mean a lot a lot.

JOE
I didn’t ask him to.

LARRY
I don’t think you paid him to advertise your plumbing prowess on the debates, numbnuts, I’m just saying it’s a fucking lot.

JOE
Listen, guys. We don’t have to keep watching just because it’s about me. Really.

LARRY
No, no. I’m having fun counting. What is this, like the ninth time he’s brought you up?

JOE
What are you saying Larry?

LARRY
I’m saying that maybe you should go have drinks with your girlfriend McCain.

JOE
Shut the fuck up, Larry.

LARRY
Maybe if he wins, he’ll invite you up to the White House, and you can sleep in the Lincoln bedroom! And then the two of you can make out while sailing down the Potomac, while the cherry blossoms fall, nestling in his old man ear-hair.

JOE
I’m serious! Knock it off!

LARRY
Hey, Joe, this is me. I’m just busting your balls! It’s what I do!

JOE
Yeah, well, a lot of people got balls in this bar, so how ‘bout you lay off mine?
(angry beat. sips his beer)
Why don’t you just get back to your goddamn sewage story?

LARRY
Okay, sorry man—anyways, I go to this lady’s house, right? And when she comes to the door the sewage…

HANK
(interrupting)
Hey Joe, that plumbing business you wanna buy—it makes over 250,000 dollars a year?

JOE
What?

HANK
He said that you’re worried about Obama’s plan taxing you, ‘cause you make over 250 grand. You make 250 grand, Joe?

LARRY
(in his own world)
Guy tries to tell a story, and he has ex-POW senators distracting everybody.
(to television)
Hey, McCain! Your campaign slogan should be, “Vote McCain-Palin and Fuck Up an Anecdote!”

JOE
(to Hank)
Two-fifty wouldn’t be take-home, that’s total revenue.

HANK
Yeah, but still.

LARRY
I spend my days neck-deep in shit, too.
(points to Joe)
I had to teach this asshole how to use Draino! Why don’t they fuckin’ pander to me for a while?

HANK
Are you sure you’re not confusing revenue with, like, the total value of the business?

JOE
I know what revenue is, Hank.

HANK
But 250 grand? What, is this place going to install diamond toilets?

LARRY
Sucking up to one guy… It’s like they think you’re from that fuckin’ Swing State movie.
(turning to rest of bar)
HEY, WE GOT KEVIN COSTNER OVER HERE! SAME DICK WHO STARRED IN WATERWORLD!

JOE
Look, it’s not like I’m rich.

HANK
No, obviously not., since you didn’t want to loan me any money, when I was trying to get my own business off the ground.

JOE
I’m sorry—I just didn’t think it was a good investment.

HANK
(near tears)
It wasn’t about the alpacas, Joe. Forget the alpacas. It’s about our friendship.

LARRY
(still to bar)
THE LINE TO SUCK ROBIN HOOD, PRINCE OF THIEVES’ COCK STARTS HERE!

JOE
Okay! Guys! It’s me! Joe! What are you so fucking mad about, all of a sudden?

LARRY
Oh, nothing. Nothing. C’mon Hank. Let’s go find another bar. Maybe we’ll get lucky and Ralph fuckin’ Nader will be there, and he can give me a tongue bath! And then we’ll videotape it, and broadcast it on MSNB fuckin’ C!

They get up to leave. Hank turns back and addresses an unseen bartender.

HANK
Joe’s paying. If he says he doesn’t have it, ask about the 250 grand hidden in his solid gold toolbox. Oh, and by the way—he overcharged for your urinals.

They leave. A beat passes. Then Joe pulls out his cell phone and dials a number.

JOE
(on phone)
Hey baby… Yeah, I watched you… You did great… Aw, I wish we could be together too… Okay—I love you Maverick.

BLACKOUT

Sunday, October 19, 2008

TONIGHT!

The Flop House Episode #25 is ONLINE!

It's the second of our annual SHOCKTOBER shows, focusing on lousy horror films, and it's a doozy! Mark Walhberg unleashes all his whispery energy on the modern master of "Hey jackass, betcha didn't see that one coming!" M. Night Shyamalan, and his eco-horror-tale The Happening. Meanwhile, Elliott explains his failed cartoon-writing career, Stuart crosses the sexual line, and Dan opens a pun Pandora's box he can't close.

0:00 - 0:39 - Introduction and theme.
0:40 - 41:28 - It's a Flop House event! We've been waiting so long for the DVD release for M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening that we jump right in and don't stop talking about it for forty minutes. (Would I call it a "Flop House happening?" No. That would be dumb.)
41:29 - 44:17 - Final judgments on The Happening.
44:18 - 48:30 - What the heck. Final judgments on M. Night, too.
48:31 - 56:40 - The sad bastards recommend.
56:41 - 58:26 - Goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

**In this episode, Dan refers to Alan Rupp. He meant Alan Ruck.









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Wikipedia synopsis of The Happening

Saturday, October 11, 2008

The Flop House Movie Minute #14 - McShane-McCain

In the first edition of Name Droppin', Elliott talks about working with Ian McShane.









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Saturday, October 04, 2008

Shameful Display Presents "You, Your World, and You."



















October 19 & 26 and November 2 & 9
(new show every week!)
At the Magnet Theater
254 W. 29th St.
9:30 PM - $5
Cash bar

The Flop House Episode #24 is ONLINE!

The Original Peaches are back! For the first time since early August, Dan, Stu, and Elliott are all in the same place at the same time long enough to record a Flop House. And just in time - because this is the first of our annual SHOCKTOBER shows, focusing on lousy horror films! This time around it's Prom Night, the movie that (were this a just world) should kill PG-13 horror. Meanwhile, Dan shows his command of vocabulary, Stuart proves himself a master o listing old video games, and Elliott reminisces about a Cub Scout field trip that ended with tits.

0:00 - 0:37 - Introduction and theme.
0:38 - 1:54 - The whole team is back together again, so to celebrate they ramble off-topic for a while.
1:55 - 37:13 - We talk about Prom Night, a shocking expose about the incompetence of the Bridgeport police department.
37:14 - 40:35 - Final judgments.
40:36 - 49:27 - We explain why we haven't had the Flop House contest winner on, announce a winner of the Ewe Boll contest, and Dan shamelessly plugs his own project.
49:28 - 52:54 - The sad bastards recommend.
52:55 - 54:30 - Goodbyes, theme, outtakes, and many, many sound effects









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Wikipedia synopsis of Prom Night