Thursday, December 28, 2006
Here's Fist City co-host Elliott Kalan's pitch:
Alright, FIST CITY fans,
You already know that FIST CITY, your favorite online radio comedy show hosted by Brock Mahan and Elliott Kalan, is now on East Village Radio every thursday night at 9pm.
But did you know that TONIGHT, that beloved program will be appearing at 8 PM for a 2 HOUR COMEDY EXPLOSION?!
That's right, tonight at 8pm tune into www.eastvillageradio.com for the "Fist City 2nd Episode Spectacular", celebrating two amazing episodes of FIST CITY with celebrity guests, memories, and an encore presentation of Part One of the rousing pirate serial drama "Babybeard"!
Then, at 9pm, stay with us for the newest episode of FIST CITY, featuring jokes, gags, a man raised by wolves, and the world premier of Part Two of "Babybeard"!
It's twice the comedy, twice the awesomeness, twice the time! And at the same great price of FREE! Listen, won't you?
FIST CITY - TONIGHT! - 8pm - 10pm
www.eastvillageradio.com - or subscribe to the podcast.
Friday, December 22, 2006
A note: Fist City is the second hour of a two hour block, the first hour being "The Rev Clempson Show, Featuring Rory Albanese." The whole show is well worth listening to (Jason Jones from the Daily Show is a guest on Rev Clempson). However, if you're a friend and/or relation and just want to skip to my guest spot, it's literally in the last five minutes of the show. Thus, since you can't skip ahead on the streaming version, I'd recommend that you download the MP3 via the podcast link, and use iTunes (or whatever) to skip ahead to the end.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
The show is hosted by my friends Elliott Kalan and Brock Mahan, whom you may remember from the just-ended Primetime Kalan (which I'm providing a link to, even though the final show recap was literally the post just preceding this one. Scroll bar be damned!). I'll be providing a guest essay on the first show, and will hopefully pop up from time to time thereafter, whenever they're desperate to fill airtime. I will, naturally, keep you posted.
Anyway, as always, when I'm involved in an Elliott project, I'll let him do all the promoting for me. What says he?...
Hello Kalan and Mahan fans,
Remember how much fun it used to be to see ELLIOTT KALAN (Metro columnist, Daily Show Segment Producer, and former host of "The Primetime Kalan") and BROCK MAHAN (TV writer and former host of "Top O' the Mahan To You") perform live onstage? And remember how unfun it used to be to actually travel to the theater they were performing in?
Well remember no more! Now, thanks to the magic of "internet radio", Brock and Elliott will appear LIVE in your house, TONIGHT!
No, we aren't breaking and entering using a magical computer device. We're performing a weekly radio humor show of sketches, bits, jokes, jackanapes, interviews, and an ongoing dramatic serial about pirates. The show's name? "FIST CITY"
"FIST CITY" will be streaming live at www.eastvillageradio.com , tonight and every Thursday night at 9pm . Can't be there for the broadcast? That's no excuse! Every episode will be available to podcast, through your regular old-fashioned iTunes, right after the show! Talk about convenience! You literally have no excuse not to listen to this show!
FIST CITY - 1st episode! Tonight! Thursday night at 9pm!
By the way, the show's the second half of a two hour block, the first hour being "The Rev. Clempson Show."
Monday, December 18, 2006
The audience took their seats to a DVD of the world's worst cartoons, projected on the back wall, and once the (sell out) crowd was settled, things got rolling. Elliott got up and did his monologue, about his recent 25th birthday, and thathis newfound adulthood sadly means that he'll never acquire the label "child prodigy." However, it's the perfect time for a retrospective, so he introduced that evening's show "A Celebration of 25 Years of Kalan."
To help explain why this anniversary show was also the final show, Elliott brought me up to interview him. After some tension, resulting from my no-holds-barred, hardball style (I quizzed him about why he was putting me out of work), he explained that he wanted to end things now so he could go out on top. I disputed his position that doing a show in the basement of an East Village bar was, in fact, going out on top, but Elliott remained unswayed. To my query as to why he refused to sell me the name for $10,000, so I could do "The Primetime McCoy," he said that he felt a spin-off would "weaken the brand," and that it wouldn't serve the core goal of "getting the Kalan name out there." He was firm in his decision to retire to his mansion, play tennis, and contribute the occasional joke to Letterman. When I asked to visit the mansion, he said no.
We then had a video from former Primetime Kalan director (and current assistant on the Flava Flav dating show Flava of Love), Joe Guercio. He wished Elliott a happy birthday, while casually knocking over several videotapes.
This was followed by an audio greeting from Brock Mahan, Elliott's longtime writing partner. He gave Elliott a touching testimonial, taking time out from his busy life of berating a Hawaiian desk clerk for not properly booking the Aloha Suite for himself and "LonelyHousewife69."
It was then time for a look back at Elliott's turbulent life and times. A video montage of scenes from the 80's gave way to the 90's, and then to black and white cartoons and footage of the 1936 Olympics. Finally, the scene shifted to the shooting of JFK, and the eternal flame, ending with a picture of Elliott and the caption "Elliott Kalan, 1981-2006." Elliott objected that the video made it seem like he'd died, but Erik assured him that it was just "in memory" of all the entertainment he's provided, specifically between the years of '81 and '06.
Erik went on to say that there were a few memorial notices from companies whose products Elliott had consumed while alive. Goldfish Crackers sent a notice recognizing Elliott life, and spoke of plans for limited edition Elliott-flavored crackers, "in the shape of all of Elliott's favorite things," including Spider-Man, Frankenstein's monster, and soft-core Cinemax porn. Coca-Cola also sent condolences, quoting Elliott's interview in "Beverage Aficianado Magazine," in which he'd stated his desire to be buried in a casket filled with Coke, and"slowly dissolve into his favorite drink." They also sent a complimentary bottle of Coca-Cola Blak. Lastly, the makers of black t-shirts sent a message saying that "When Elliott stopped wearing black t-shirts with old horror movie posters on them, tucked into black jeans, it stopped being cool."
Then The Daily Show's John Oliver got on stage, to deliver Elliott's eulogy, over Elliott's repeated protests that he was, in fact, still alive ("Please Elliott, this is going to be emotional enough as it is, without you standing there talking.") Oliver spoke about how difficult it was to lose such a man in the same week that we lost Augusto Pinochet, continuing about the parallels between them. He had the audience play a game, in which he invited them to guess whether a given quote was from Kalan or Pinochet. (Surprisingly, "Where's my Woody Allen boxed set" was from Pinochet.) He discussed rumors that Elliott had done marvelous things like invent a new vowel, one that will now be lost to linguistic history. Summing up, he stated that he would always remember Elliott as "A man I met recently, knew for a short bit, and then died."
I had to duck out for holiday-related reasons at this point, but I know that Daily Show writer Scott Jacobson showed up to sing a heartfelt song.
Also, Elliott's son memorialized him, remembering the time his father took an unpaid internship at Dean Witter to become a stockbroker and support his family. "When I felt him hold me in his strong black arms," he said, "and felt his moustache bristling against my forehead, I knew everything would be all right." Elliott was touched, until he realized that it wasn't actually his son, just a guy reading the plot to the hit Will Smith vehicle, The Pursuit of Happyness. Revealed as actor Eric Zuckerman-- best known as "Doomsday Guy" from Stephen Spielberg's War of the Worlds, Eric announced that he would be signing autographs after the show for $5.
Then the show wrapped up with Elliott's traditional Ramble/ Rambo Room and Doogie Howser Computer Journal segments. A fitting end to an always goofy, sometimes great, often poorly-attended show.
However, cry not, because I expect to continue to work with Elliott (pretend estrangement notwithstanding). In fact, I will be appearing on his new East Village Radio show "Fist City" this Thursday the 21st at 9 PM - hopefully just the first of many appearances, that is, unless he gets too big for me, because... (important news to follow in the next paragraph)
...He's gotten a promotion. He's now not a mere Associate Segment Producer on The Daily Show, but a Segment Producer on The Daily Show. Thus, in between buying me drinks and lighting up imported cigars with $100 bills, he can call himself a television producer without the slight twinge of semantic guilt he felt in the past. Congratulations, Elliott! And Happy Birthday!
Elliott Kalan: 1981 - 2006
Chile's former dictator Augusto Pinochet, who brutalized the country through a 17-year long military rule, died Sunday at the age of 91. Meanwhile, Bronson Pinchot, who brutalized America through five seasons of "Perfect Strangers," is alive and well.
According to a new study, fewer than 1 in 5 Americans have "a great deal" of trust in President Bush to "recommend the right thing" for the US to do in Iraq. Slightly more trusted: Amazon.com's recommendations for Iraq.
Mattel said that sales of Barbies this year are up for the first time in several years, with one poll listing Barbie as the top toy for girls this season. Selling particularly well: Britney Spears and Paris Hilton's Bi-Curious Barbie Fun Set.
On Sunday Reverend Paul Barnes, the pastor of a Denver mega-church, resigned after confessing to having sex with men, saying that he had often cried himself to sleep, begging God to end his attraction to men. Thankfully, men weren't attracted to him, since he often cried himself to sleep.
While plans to sell OJ Simpson's book, If I Did It, were scrapped, copies have appeared for sale online for as much as 5500 dollars- although I can tell you how he did it for free. With a knife.
Nintendo's new video game system, the Wii, is causing problems for players who have accidentally thrown the remote control style wand-joystick into televisions, windows, and their own faces. And there's nothing more unpleasant than getting a little Wii in your face.
Martha Stewart will appear on Howard Stern's satellite radio show Thursday, to teach the audience how to knit nipple cozies.
The Marine Corp on Tuesday stopped a Sergeant from changing his name at the behest of the highest bidder on his Web site, ChooseMyName.com, although they've so far done nothing about President Bush's site, ChooseMyIraqStrategy.com.
Federal health officials said Wednesday that lettuce was the most likely source of an outbreak of E. Coli linked to Taco Bell. I'll repeat that: the least healthy thing at a Taco Bell was the lettuce.
It was reported that Kevin Federline is prepared to write a tell-all book about Britney Spears that could include details about her wild drinking, alleged drug-use, her sexual attraction towards other women, as well as her supposed belief in time-travel. But not if FUTURE BRITNEY has anything to say about it!
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Drinky McIrishman and the Tuneful Lush
Capitalizing on America's hatred and fear of the Irishman in the early part of the century, this team seemed destined for stardom. Drinky would tell a series of of off-color jokes, primarily regarding the insertion of potatoes into various parts of a woman's anatomy, while the Tuneful Lush accompanied him with sentimental Irish ballads on the musical saw. Although booked on all the largest vaudeville circuits, two factors eventually spelled their demise: the first being McIrishman's "method" approach to his role, wherin to convincingly portray an Irishman he felt the need to imbibe a fifth of whiskey every time he took the stage. This theatrical affectation eventually grew into a real-life case of crippling alcoholism, causing him to slur his punchlines-- never more so than during the vocally challenging final moments of the "Catholic Delivery Room" sketch. Secondly, the team failed to adjust their routine for heavily Irish venues, such as New York's Shamrock Music Hall. It was at this venue that a team of pugalistic young Irish lads forceably took the stage, and administered a severe beating, which collapsed the Tuneful Lush's trachea, and ruptured McIrishman's booze-swollen liver.
Asa "Shecky" Jablomowitz & Eli "Shecky" Lindt AKA "The Two Sheckys"
Fast friends from their youth, when they were forced to share a bathroom and three fifths of a radiator, in a tenament in Brooklyn, The Two Sheckys decided to form a comedy team soley on the basis of having a shared nickname (also a condition of their lease). Despite this remarkable confluence of circumstances, the one thing TheTwo Sheckys did not share was a coherent comic outlook. Shecky J. engaged in madcap slapstick, especially in an elaborate routine in which he repeatedly milked a goat onstage, every time accidentally spilling the fresh, unpasteurized liquid down the blouse of their chorus girl assistant ("The Mammarian Milkmaid"). Whereas Shecky L. preferred to make wry political comments about William Jennings Bryan, often while embroidering. Perhaps this disjunction in their styles might still have worked, if either one had been willing to cede the spotlight. Instead, both would perform their act seperately, but simultaneously. The effect was more cacophonous and confusing, than it was comical. Shecky J. died in 1931, followed by Shecky L. who, in an amazing effort to upstage him, managed to die in 1930.
Baron Von Highbottom and The Accountant
Although thrilling conceptually, Baron Von Highbottom and The Accountant was a disappointment comically, as its central conceit (a comedy duo made up of two straight men) added up to few larfs. A typical scene unravelled thusly:
I am leaving this priceless ming vase here on this awfully rickety shelf. Please do not attempt to dust it or to use it as a spittoon.
Don't worry. I shall be over here going over your reciepts at length. I doubt I'll have the time or desire to molest said vase.
Well that's settled then.
By the way, whom was that lady I saw you with?
I assume it was the Baroness. Good day.
(The Baron EXITS. The accountant goes over his reciepts at length.)
Despite being a colossal failure as entertainment, Baron Von Highbottom and The Accountant's act had the distinction of being extremely long, which theater owners liked, as it gave them the means to pad an evening's program of entertainment. They
performed regularly until 1928, when the Accountant died onstage. No-one noticed.
Nutsy and the Rabbi
Although Hitler's facial hair didn't harm Charlie Chaplin's career, it did destroy that of the similarly mustacheoed "Nutsy" of Nutsy and the Rabbi fame. His name, lip-tickler, and famously comical "Duck Walk" all took on a sinister edge with the advent of WWII. Soon thereafter, "The Rabbi" decided to leave the team for personal reasons. After that, Nutsy took on a series of ill-chosen sidekicks including the imposing "Joey the Aryan." In a comical mix-up worthy of one of his routines, Nutsy ended up being accidentally tried at Nuremberg during a theatrical tour of Europe. He was swiftly put to death in 1949, but his legacy lives on!
The Hatfield Cousin-Brothers
This Appalachian comedy team's family tree was so tangled and incestuous, that in the interest of accuracy, their name required a hyphen. Audiences at the time were put off by their pale skin and birth defects, such that their astute social satire was completely ignored (although much of it found its way, via shameless plagiarism, into the New Yorker columns of James Thurber).
Monday, December 11, 2006
Actor Rip Torn was arrested Monday in New York on charges of drunk driving, resulting in the world's most confusing headline: "Smashed Joy Ride Rip Torn Nicked."
Officials at Yahoo.com said that the most requested searches of 2006 were the Yankees, Britney Spears, and Suri Cruise. The least requested search? "Howie Mandel erotica."
The Conservative branch of Judaism voted this week to accept gay rabbis for the first time. Or, as they put it, "What's the big tsimmes about a guy who likes schlong?"
The White House said Monday that, because he was unable to win Senate confirmation, UN Ambassador John Bolton will step down when his temporary appointment expires within weeks, in a sad day for human walruses everywhere.
The Iraq Study Group formally presented their report, entitled "The Way Forward, A New Approach" on Wednesday to President Bush. Although, to get him to read it, they just called it "Highlights For Kids."
A 2 month-old baby girl in Colorado was in good condition Monday after being hospitalized with a blood-alcohol level more than four times the legal limit for an adult driver. Officials suspect the cause was a bottle of Danny DeVito Brand Baby Formula.
Broadway actor James Barbour, who once played The Beast in Beauty and the Beast, was arraigned this week on charges that he fondled an underage girl backstage in 2001--both a little scared, schoolgirl unprepared, booty groped by beast.
World chess champion Vladimir Kramnik lost his final game in a match against computer program Deep Fritz. Kramnik attributes his loss to underestimating his opponent, mistakenly believing it to be gay German porn.
Paris Hilton has said that after hanging around with Britney Spears and her two children, she wants children of her own adding, "I look after animals, so I'd have a lot to give my kids." Including, presumably, several blood-borne STDs.
Friday, December 08, 2006
During my time with the show, the success continues. We have one of our biggest guests in Lisa Loeb (and standing backstage listening to her perform "Stay" live, a song that I remember first seeing on MTV in high school, is still one of my most treasured NYC comedy memories). We get considered for the Aspen Comedy Festival, and, though we don't ultimately get called back, it's an honor to have been scouted.
And then the show ends shortly thereafter.
We go out in top form, with a final episode I'm very proud of. Sara goes on to a justly deserved job as a web-host for AOL Music's "The DL" (check it out, people). Fellow writer Amanda goes on to a justly deserved job writing for Greg Giraldo (although she's currently free--hire her, people!). Kara Lee departs for new horizons in L.A. And Patrick continues in his day job as Conan O'Brian's personal assistant. And I go on to...
The Primetime Kalan-- another live talk show, hosted by Daily Show associate producer Elliott Kalan. It was originally conceived as an unwritten midnight talk show. With the move to an earlier hour, Elliott decided to tighten things up with more pre-written bits, and kindly asked me to join. Much fun is had, particularly due to the never ending stream of Daily Show guests, courtesy of Elliott's delightfully shameless connection-pimping.
I stay with this show for about nine months of its two year run.
And it's ending. Next weekend.
Clearly, something is happening here. I am forced to come to the conclusion that I am the Ted McGinley of Fake Talk Shows-- Ted, of course, being "the patron saint of shark jumping." My presence apparently marks some sort of death knell for semi-successful basement-comedy-talk-programs. On the bright side, my staying power seems to be gradually increasing. When I join the cast of Late Night With Jon Kingman is Obsessed With Being Primetime, I may even make it a whole year before bumping the thing off.
"The McGin" -- just, you know, hangin'
On the other hand, perhaps I'm misreading the situation. Perhaps I am not the Ted McGinley of stage talk shows, but merely the Cousin Oliver-- perhaps I'm the guy brought on in a last ditch attempt to revitalize a slumping show by virtue of my adorableness and ability to bring in a wider audience. That audience being, specifically, my college friends who live in the NYC area. Hey, that extra 20 people is nothing to be sneezed at!
Either way, next time I hope to get paid.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Monday, December 04, 2006
It was reported that a sequel to the DaVinci Code is being readied. It's tentatively titled "Maybe Something Crazy is Going on with the Jews, Too."
Insiders say that the report by the Iraq Study Group will recommend dramatically increasing the number of US military officers embedded with Iraqi troops to accelerate training and get the US on a path toward leaving the country, although President Bush claims that they only formed that study group as a way to meet girls.
Former Seinfeld actor Michael Richards appeared on the Reverend Jesse Jackson's radio show Sunday to apologize once again for his racial outbursts at a comedy club last week... although he lost points when he assured listeners that he's "Master of his Plantation."
ABC's All My Children this week will introduce a transgender character who is making the transition from a man into a woman. Much like any men watching All My Children.
"The Nativity Story," a movie about Mary and Joseph before the birth of Christ, had its world premiere at the Vatican on Sunday and won strong praise from Tarcisio Cardinal Bertone, who is the "deputy Pope." Which is like when you get a thumbs up from the other guy, not Ebert.
More and more White House officials, US generals, and members of Congress are blaming the continued violence and destruction in Iraq on the Iraqis themselves, and their failure to rebuild their society. Also, did you see the way Iraq was dressed? It was totally asking for it.
A mental patient in Illinois has pleased guilty to threatening to castrate President Bush, but was released with time served, after the fall elections did it for him.
Friday, December 01, 2006
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome-- Jasper: The Comedian With the Poorly-Thought-Out Material!
(Applause. Jasper takes the stage. Long silence.)
Um... Cauliflower. That would be a good word to use in a joke. Possibly a joke about calling... uh... a flower.
"Indiana Jones and the Pimple of Doom."
Would be a... a good MAD Magazine parody. Back in 1984.
I'd hate to have Tom Wolfe's dry cleaning bills. What with all the... white suits.
I went to a bemusement park the other day. At least I think I did.
So... that Quentin Tarantino sure likes nostalgia, huh? What's he going to do next? A show called H.R. Bloodnstuff? Or something?
MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Jasper, everyone! Jasper: The Comedian With the Poorly-Thought-Out Material!
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
If you are one of the unlucky residents who did not win a plane ticket out of the city in the annual lottery, you may find the following survival hints helpful this holiday weekend.
Snoopy has a beagle's enhanced sense of smell, which he will use to track you down, and crush you between his powerful jaws. To throw him off the scent, rub yourself with aniseed and Axe Body Spray.
Spongebob's powers are derived from his square pants. If you are able to trick him into wearing regular, pants-shaped pants, his magical spell will be broken, and you will be allowed to keep your first-born child.
Super Grover: As long as you don't mention that usurper Elmo, SG is cool with you.
Garfield's legendary appetite is only enhanced by his giant size, and a visit from this cat is nearly always deadly -- thus proving the old adage, "There's nothing funny about Garfield."
Clifford the Big Red Dog: If you publicly pronounce your allegiance to the Communist Party, Clifford will spare your life.
Pikachu: You can only defeat Pikachu by creating a Poké Balls to increase your Special Attacks and Special Defenses, via your protective Bulbasaur and Fuckamander or some shit like that.
Barney loves you. This makes him easy to kill.
Also, if you live between 77th and 34th on Central Park West or Broadway, just make sure you've got plenty of plastic sheets and duct tape over the windows, and you should be safe.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Featuring other short films by Central Park West Studios, Jessica Delfino, Brent Hankins and The Average Joe Cooking Show. Stop by Jimmy's for the best in short comedies, and have a Thanksgiving feast of free popcorn.
It was reported that ABC News anchor Elizabeth Vargas is upset with an upcoming Marie Claire magazine article that features a doctored photo of her breast-feeding her son on air. She has maids to do that sort of thing.
A California toy company that sells Bible-quoting Jesus dolls said that it is surprised and disappointed that the Marine Reserves' Toys for Tots program turned down its offer to donate 4000 of the talking dolls. Their main objection was that one of the pre-recorded phrases was “Blessed are the Ken dolls, for they get to make it with Barbie.”
An official with the American Philatelic Society said that a stamp thought to be a rare 1918 Inverted Jenny, used by a Florida voter to mail an absentee ballot last week, is probably a fake. And thus ends this decade’s only news story involving the American Philatelic Society.
The largest Baptist group in North Carolina, moved this week to expel any congregation that condones homosexuality, while the Presbyterian Church will put on minister on trial for conducting a marriage ceremony for two men. If convicted, he could be sentenced to Unitarianism.
On an episode of the Tyra Banks show this week, both she and the audience wore just their underwear for a "Panty Party" show, despite the fact that a similar episode of Judge Judy was the lowest-rated ever.
More than 800 people around the world have signed up to be part of the New York-based "Corduroy Appreciation Club," which meets every November 11th, which when written as 11/11, resembles the fabric they love… or it does if you’re a member of some totally crazy club.
Matthew Fisher is suing his former Procul Harum bandmate Gary Brooker, claiming that he is owed royalties from the 1967 song "Whiter Shade of Pale,” and alleging, furthermore, that his harum wasn’t procul enough.
Grey's Anatomy star Ellen Pompeo got engaged this week to record producer Chris Ivery, telling reporters, “I’m so happy I can barely squint.”
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Rival candy-poisoner Regine (Liz Lord) critiques my crazy old man candy-poisoning technique.
My religious powers are called upon, to defeat the devil child Rob Bates.
I am distracted in my mission by the hot mom of the Antichrist (Lindsay Joy).
My co-biosphere inhabitant Gustav (George Basil) explains that, being in a self contained environment thousands of miles from civilization, we will likely be getting no trick-or-treaters.
Schoolgirls (Autumn Clark, Lindsay, and Liz) argue over whose night it is to be slutty, while Slutty Cat (Stacy Mayer) looks on.
I am attacked by a giant praying mantis. Tragically, I did not survive.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Former N Sync member Lance Bass has inspired a new term for gay celebrities who are outed by the media, which is called being "lanced." It thankfully beat out the alternative term, "being done Doogie-style."
Police in Michigan arrested a man for murder after his girlfriend told them that during a party game in which people name the stupidest thing they had ever done, her boyfriend answered, "Shot a guy in the head." He then corrected himself, saying "Wait, wait -- confessed to murder during a party game!"
Police in Arizona reported that a 40-foot trailer containing thousands of wedding gowns worth an estimated 3 million dollars was stolen form a charity that grants the dying wishes of women with breast cancer—surely the saddest story to ever be an Oprah wet dream.
A woman in London was sentenced to seven years in prison on Monday for keeping her sister-in-law as a domestic slave, forcing her to do housework naked and beating her. Her story will be told in the Lifetime Original Movie "My Sister My Nude Slave: The Just Dirty Enough to Get Men to Watch Lifetime Story"
It was reported that banks and savings institutions last year ordered more than double the average amount of 2 dollar bills, which are being used more frequently in bars and strip clubs, especially now that strip clubs have stopped accepting rolls of nickels.
As Speaker of the House, Representative Nancy Pelosi would be third in the line of succession to the President. Second, if you don’t count vampires.
A New Jersey woman is suing a Manhattan bar after allegedly falling and shredding ligaments in her knee last year during a "Shake It Like Shakira" contest when she fell while dancing on a "wet, unprotected and unsafe" bar. The bar is claiming no liability, as the contest was clearly titled “Shake It Like Shakira” and not “Shake It Like a Drunk, Clumsy Skank.”
Actress Reece Witherspoon has officially filed for divorce from Ryan Phillippe, thus ending America’s love affair with celebrity couple “Philwitherslippoon.”
President Bush on Wednesday morning called Representative Nancy Pelosi, who is expected to be the next Speaker of the House, to congratulate her on the Democrats win and to invite her to lunch, where presumably, he gave her the world’s most uncomfortable backrub.
Senator Rick Santorum, one of the most powerful conservative Republicans and a close ally of President Bush, lost his re-election bid on Tuesday. Santorum says he’s looking forward to his new life as a private bigot.
Friday, November 10, 2006
And now, courtesy of my wife and her always-photographing ways, here's a little retrospective of the last few months.
Elliott gives one of his always-succinct monologues.
Dan confesses his inadequacies to sexual therapist Elliott, while wearing a funny hat.
Demetri Martin gives my wife the thumbs-up.
Dan and Elliott relax pre-Primetime Kalan by watching the Planet of the Apes cartoon.
The Daily Show's Dan Bakkedahl confuses Elliott Kalan's Ghost Hunting Club for Elia Kazan's "Go Stunting" Club.
Dan and Erik are sheepish about their lack of ghost hunting success.
In a shocking twist ending, the ghost hunters are revealed to be vampires.
Sara Schaefer has a Citizen Kane moment at her AOL "The DL" launch party.
I chat with Sara's Video Gaga co-producer John Kingman, regarding the open bar. This photo is not an endorsement of Stella Artois.
I congratulate Sara on becoming "The Internet's Sara Schaefer."
I am attacked by a bear. Tragically, I did not survive.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Q: What did the fat man say after winning the top trophy at the pie-eating contest?
A: "To compete is its own reward."
Q: Why did the blonde scientist throw her clock out the window?
A: To test Einstein's theory of space-time... It was the window of a spaceship, traveling near a black hole. Very dangerous experiment. Unfortunately the results were inconclusive, since they were unable to retrieve the clock.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who sits on a street corner?
A: That man is an honored veteran of our armed forces. Please, give generously, even if it is merely pocket change.
Q: How many Picts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. You see, the Picts were a loose confederation of Scottish tribes, existing between the Roman times and the 10th century, and the earliest lightbulb was not developed until 1801. Thus, a Pict could not have screwed in a lightbulb.
Q: What is the difference between a banana and a bottle of arsenic?
A: I don't know! That's why I've never been able to successfully raise monkeys!
Thursday, November 02, 2006
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Burned! I totally burned Tim Allen! Yeah! Try having some credibility now, Tim Allen! Woo!
Yeah! Tim Allen is totally deserving of really obvious criticism! You do not want to fuck with me, Tim Allen, or I will mess you up via my blog! Boy howdy!
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Facing pressure from GOP leaders as the midterm elections near, the White House said Monday that President Bush would not longer stress "stay the course" as a central goal in Iraq, and instead will focus on "milestones" and "benchmarks." Specifically, the best way to blow them up.
Australians are being urged to stop singing in the shower because the utility company claims that singing adds an extra 9 minutes to the average shower. Sounds like Australia just got turned on to Rush!
Responding to claims from her opponent in the Senate race that she used to be ugly and had plastic surgery, Hillary Clinton said that she was "cute" in high school... although it was cute in that, "I'll bet she has a really nice voting record" sort of way.
Coca-Cola announced Monday that it would donate two and a half acres of prime land near Atlanta's downtown tourist district to a proposed civil rights museum, along with one-fifteenth of a mule.
A judge in California has dismissed an indecent-exposure charge against a woman accused of sitting naked on her sun deck in a bid to "drive away" a teenage boy who was making too much noise playing basketball next door. Surprisingly, the tactic worked, as the woman was Joan Rivers.
According to a new study blue-eyed men prefer blue-eyed women because unconsciously they know that their children would also have blue-eyes and they could then determine if a partner was cheating. Which is why I'd like to introduce my new product: "Adulterer Brand Color Contacts for Babies."
Rush Limbaugh on Tuesday accused actor Michael J. Fox of exaggerating the physical effects off his Parkinson's disease in political ads urging viewers to support Democrats in the next election who support stem cell research. One thing definitely not exaggerated? Rush Limbaugh's ass-hattery.
President Bush on Tuesday accused Democrats of being "genetically disposed" to raise taxes. Maybe the president could give them some stem cells to help with that.
A panda cub in China bit off part of the thumb of an American visitor who was feeding it at a reserve, finally answering the question, "what's black and white and red all over?"
Dick Clark is selling memorabilia he collected during his years as host of American Bandstand, including a glove worn by Michael Jackson, a bustier worn by Madonna, and half a moustache worn by Prince.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
The Antichrist Has a Hot Mom
A CHILD, wearing a blazer and a small cap is onstage, along with his HOT MOM, who is wearing something sexy.
The MUSIC from The Omen plays in the background, fading out softly as the sketch unfolds.
SFX: Doorbell. The NANNY rushes to answer the door, letting in a PRIEST.
Oh, thank God you’re here!
Settle down; settle down my son. There’s no point in giving into fear. Now are you the boy’s father?
No, I’m their male nanny. He killed his father! Cut a pentagram into his chest, with an orange zester! Now it’s just me, the devil child, and his mother. The nanny indicates the child’s mother, and the priest does a take.
Hello! Jesus, that is one hot mom! It’s just you and her here, you say? Pretty sweet!
Well, me and her and the boy. He’s the reason I called you here; remember?
Right, right. You say you think the boy is the antichrist… and… uh…
(looking at the mother, distracted)
What makes you say that?
Well, there’s the patricide to start with… then there are the hellhounds that gather at his window when he cries; there’s the eyeless monk who foretold his birth; there’s his love for the movie Straight Talk, starring Dolly Parton and James Woods; there’s the time he immolated an entire bus of school…
(cutting him off)
I’m sorry, but—she… is… just so hot. I mean, look at those calves. And the…
(makes a breast motion)
…they’re like they never shrank after she stopped nursing. How old was she, when she had the spawn of Satan there?
Um… I think she got pregnant right after high school, so probably… who cares!? Surely we should be strategizing about how to kill him, to prevent hell on Earth!
Right, right. Sorry, it’s just hard not to be distracted. She’s such a MALF.
Mother of the Antichrist I’d like to F…
I get it.
I mean, I know the devil’s bad, but I have to give him his due—if I was going to impregnate someone with my infernal seed, I’d pick her!
(towards the ground/ hell)
My hat is off you sir!
What is wrong with you? You’re a priest! You shouldn’t be congratulating Satan or talking about how much you’d like to screw the Antichrist’s mom!
Look, she’s not just any Antichrist’s mom…
Shut up! Right now, you need to focus on averting the apocalypse!
Whatever. I wouldn’t expect a male nanny to understand.
What’s that supposed to mean?
Oh, I get it. A male nanny. You’re saying I’m gay.
Oh come on!
It’s not because you’re a male nanny that you’re gay. It’s because you’re a male nanny and you don’t care how hot she is—that’s what makes you gay.
I care! I’m just trying to save the world.
I mean, I’m a priest and I can barely keep it in my pants!
I’m not gay!
Listen. I don’t care if you’re gay. I’m not that kind of priest. You’re cool with me. Just admit it, so we can get over this issue of why you don’t want to have sex with the Antichrist’s incredibly arousing, sensual, voluptuous, mom.
Fine. I may be a little confused about my sexuality… but that doesn’t change the fact that you need to eradicate the devil’s spawn before we’re all doomed to an eternity of maggots and Dolly Parton movies.
(pushing him towards the mom)
Get over there.
Er… hello there, ma’mn. I hear that you’re having a little Antichrist problem.
Oh yes! It’s so horrible! He’s the spawn of my loins, so I’m attached to him, but I know that beneath it all, he’s pure… deviant… evil.
The priest has been leaning in closer and closer, reacting to the words “loins” and “deviant.” He recovers.
Well, the first thing to do, is to make sure that there are no other devil children in there.
(indicates her belly)
Sadly, you have been violated by Satan, and your womb may bear his sinful mark. The only possible solution is for a man of the cloth to have sex with you, to counteract any ill effects. If I may bravely volunteer—allow my liquids to be like a hot holy injection, cleansing you from within, in a spiritual eruption.
Do you really think that will help?
The priest does a take to the audience. Everyone freezes.
MUSIC: Merry Go Round Broke Down (the Merrie Melodies theme)
The Antichrist unfreezes and stabs the Male Nanny repeatedly. Everyone else remains frozen.
Help! I’m getting killed! Why aren’t you doing anything?! Someone help me!
Slutty Costumes Sketch
Two women, LISA and ASHLEY, are onstage. Both wear slutty catholic schoolgirl costumes. They’re drinking punch and trying not to look at one another.
Music plays.. A third woman, KATHY, also wearing a slutty schoolgirl costume ENTERS, arm and arm with her DATE, who wears a normal shirt and an eyepatch.
I can’t wait for you to meet my friends. This is going to be the best Halloween party ev…
Kathy stops short, registering the two other women, also dressed as schoolgirls.
You have got to be fucking kidding me!
The other two schoolgirls notice her, and react.
Oh, no. No no. Not you too!
What are you wearing?!
I’m wearing my slutty schoolgirl costume, what are you wearing?
LISA & ASHLEY
I’m wearing my slutty schoolgirl costume!
This always happens! Lisa, I thought we agreed that you were going to be a slutty nurse!
Bullshit! You were supposed to be the slutty nurse!
No, that was for last night’s Halloween party, where everyone showed up as slutty nurses, even though you were supposed to be a slutty angel, and Ashley was supposed to be a slutty French maid! Tonight, Saturday, I was supposed to be the slutty schoolgirl!
I thought I was the slutty schoolgirl.
KATHY & LISA
You were supposed to be the slutty cavewoman!
You know—leopard skin dress?
Sounds more like slutty jungle girl to me.
Whatever! The point is: I’m the slutty schoolgirl!
No, I am!
A fourth woman, SANDI, enters, wearing a slutty cat costume.
Hi guys! What’s going on? Why aren’t you all wearing your slutty cat costumes?
Sandi. What… The fuck… Are you talking about?
You know, how we all planned to be slutty cats.
(she makes a half-hearted cat-scratch motion)
Why would we all want to dress up as slutty cats for Halloween?
You’re all dressed the same!
It’s a mistake!
Whatever. I just don’t know why you’d ruin things like this, since we always all dress up as slutty cats. That’s our thing. We’re the group of girls that dresses as slutty cats.
We all dressed up as slutty cats ONCE—five years ago!
And ever since you’ve been dressing up as a slutty cat every year, and trying to get the rest of us to join your slutty cat gang, even though we all know that you were supposed to be a slutty policewoman! I’m beginning to think you just have some sort of slutty cat fetish!
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
I don’t even get the slutty cat thing. What is it? Are guys supposed to want to fuck a cat? I don’t understand!
Ashley, stop bugging Sandi about her deep-seated need to be a slutty cat. The important thing is that you guys always wear the wrong thing, and I was supposed to be the slutty schoolgirl!
No you weren’t! Do you want me to check the slutty calendar?!
Kathy whips out the slutty calendar, which is a calendar made up entirely of October 31st’s
Here we go—Halloween 2006. Ashley: slutty cavewoman, Sandy: slutty policewoman—definitely not slutty cat,
Lisa: slutty nurse, and Kathy: slutty schoolgirl. While we’re at it, why not go over next year?! Ashley: slutty secretary, Sandy: slutty cheerleader, Lisa: slutty Cleopatra, and Kathy: slutty superhero! 2008 Ashley: slutty robot, Sandy: slutty meter maid, Lisa: slutty MTA worker, and Kathy: slutty World War II bombadier! 2009 Ashley: slutty Attorney General, Sandy: slutty circus strongwoman, Lisa: slutty 1930’s aviatrix, and Kathy: slutty slut! 2010…
How do we know that slutty calendar isn’t a slutty forgery!
Yeah! I think Kathy’s really dressed as a slutty bitch!
She runs at them, as if to fight, but her date (on the sidelines until now) restrains her.
Ladies, ladies! Calm down. I think you’ve all been fighting so much, that you’ve forgotten the true meaning of slutty costumes…
INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC rises in the background.
Namely, to get super drunk, grind one-another on the dance floor, and to come onto men—men who’ve barely put any thought into their costumes at all.
There is general agreement from all the girls. They’re coming around.
To me, you’re all equally slutty … even slutty cat, who does indeed do something for me, for reasons I can’t quite justify or comprehend. In fact, you’re all so slutty that I’m contemplating asking all of you to come home with me tonight, and I think you’d be totally into that. Plus, I’ll let you in on a little secret---
(flipping his eye patch up)
Beneath this half-assed pirate costume, I’m a bit of a slut too.
MUSIC ENDS. A beat.
Now let’s go back to my place, where I have several gallons of Mike’s Hard Lemonade!
All the women cheer. The four partygoers exit arm-in-arm.
Friday, October 27, 2006
I went to a launch party for Sara Schaefer's new AOL online music show, The DL! How was the party, you ask? It was awesome. Let me count the ways.
1. Weird Al was there. Granted, I did not witness this, as I had to come late, thanks to the aforementioned sketch show. But really, how cool is this? Knowing that mere minutes earlier, the Hawaiian-shirted one trod that very floor. Oh, and also, the video invite to the party featured Hulk Hogan.
2. Sara was 8 feet tall. Well, not in person-- but, throughout the evening, footage of Sara doing music journalism-y things (like interviewing Regina Spektor) were projected on the back wall throughout.
Imagine this, but as big as your apartment.
How weird is it, to be at a huge party (AOL rented out the entire Canal Room for chrissake), thrown in honor of a show starring a friend of mine, someone I used to write for and perform with in the old Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You? About a millionth as weird as it must have been for Sara. You're a superstar, baby.
3. Open bar. As I said to Sara, "Thank you for getting famous, so we get free drinks."
4. Some random girl hit on me. I am, as I told said random girl, married. Happily so. However, that doesn't keep me from being flattered by unexpected pick-up attempts. Thanks for inflating my sense of self worth, mystery girl!
But mostly it was awesome because Sara deserves it. She's funny, appealing, talented, and she couldn't be a nicer person. So congratulations to my old fake boss! I look forward to seeing you on the Internet. Go check out The DL, people!
*last chance to see it tonight!
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Zombira shares a laugh with her boyfriend.
Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular
October 26, & 27, at 8 pm
@ The Sage Theater
235 W. 48th St., Suite 26 B
Schoolgirls fight over who is the most studious.
Tickets are $10 at the door (2-for-1 with a student ID) or $7 via online advance purchase.
On Sunday night, the legendary New York punk rock club CBGB permanently shut down, with Patti Smith playing the last show. Smith said it was amazing that, all these years later, the walls still had some of their original vomit.
Police in Spain said Sunday that more than 17,000 minks on fur farms in northern Spain were set free overnight, making it the country's worst weasel-related disaster since the Spanish release of "Bio-Dome."
Former US representative Gerry Studds, a Massachusetts Democrat, who was the first openly gay congressman, died this past weekend. His last wish was granted when his funeral was attended by several attractive men, drawn by the sign reading "Studds Event."
A Japanese woman in her 50s gave birth to her own grandchild last year, using an egg from her daughter and sperm from her son-in-law. The results were published in The New England Journal of Ewwwwww.
Courtney Love has reportedly been telling friends that Mel Gibson is her "savior," after he came to her hotel room last year to convince her to go back into rehab. Their story will be told in the upcoming film, "What Skanky Drug-Addled Women Want."
Scientists have discovered that by examining just a few strands of hair can determine whether a person has an eating disorder. Especially if that hair is found between their teeth.
A large number of men in the United States who have married, or intend to marry mail-order brides, are being finding their wives barred from entering the US by a new law intended to give foreign women and the American government more information about the men who place these orders. Way to cock-block, US government!
Bindi Irwin, the 8 year-old daughter of Steve Irwin, is making a new wildlife series for the Discovery Kids. It will be titled "Explore the Natural World that Made Me an Orphan!"
The Vatican has endorsed a new animated film called "John Paul II, the Friend of Humanity," which chronicles the life of the last pontiff, although they wish that the voice of Robin Williams didn’t improvise so much scripture.
In an "open letter" to the media, Madonna defended her adoption of a one-year old Malawian boy, saying that she followed the country's adoption laws and that the she did not take the decision to adopt lightly. Thus, she plans to keep the baby, despite protests from the government, media, and Danny Aiello.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Machine generates all sorts of Miami sounds, including--
-Rustling palm trees
-Squishing suntan lotion
Works fine, just not really sure why I bought it. Not a huge fan of sounds in general, or Miami sounds in particular. Requires two 9-volt batteries. $5 or best offer.
Tonight at 8 PM
Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular
@ The Sage Theater
235 W. 48th St., Suite 26 B
Thursday, October 19, 2006
The show is running as part of MC2's Big Bang, with This Just In, an improvised show based on the news, Latch-a-Kee, a solo show set at a Native American camp for the arts, and a musical guest (on October 19 and 26 the musical guest will be Erin and her Cello; and on the 20th and 27th, it's Huckleberry Slim, the "Wu-Tang porch band").
Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular
October 19, 20, 26, & 27, at 8 pm
@ The Sage Theater
235 W. 48th St., Suite 26 B
I wrote 1/3 of the Scaretaculous Horrortacular, and will be acting in it. Woo. You can see it tonight and tomorrow (as well as Thursday and Friday of next week). And I promise that, after that, you'll never again see the graphic below.
Then, on Saturday, you can come see me in The Primetime Kalan, the only show hosted by Daily Show associate producer (and Metro columnist) Elliot Kalan. Written by, and featuring Elliott,
Erik Marcisak, and myself. This episode will feature special guest Dan Bakkadahl, also of The Daily Show, but in that more famous, in-front-of-the-camera way. He'll be sure to get up to some sort of shenanigans, the little scamp.
Also, Saturday's show will be a very special meeting of the Ghost Hunters' Club of New York. We will be presenting video evidence of our recent brushes with the supernatural. Attend only if you dare.
And following the show, stick around. As part of our post-Kalan "Bad Movie Night," we will be screening the classic Feeders 2: Slay Bells, in which the only thing standing between Earth and some bloodthirsty aliens, is a ray-gun toting Santa Claus. Much beer will be drunk and fun will be made. So please, come on out.
The Primetime Kalan
Saturday, October 21, 8:30 pm
@ Jimmy's 43 43
East 7th Street,
Monday, October 16, 2006
Saturday, Oct. 21st, 8:30pm
SAW: THE BEGINNING
Lights up on a man, ERIC, and another man, JORDAN, both in leg chains. They are just waking up. There is a hacksaw near Eric.
What… where? Where are we?
Who are you?
My name’s Eric P. Victimguy. I’m a doctor. Do you know why we’re chained here?
Good morning, sleepy-heads. Dr. Eric… Mr. Jordan… I hope you two aren’t feeling too dazed from the ether...
Damn you! Why have you kidnapped us? Let us go at once!
Now, now. If I let you go, then who would be left to play my game? The rules are simple. All you have to do is make a choice. At six o’clock, your wife and daughter will die, unless… you give Jordan an Indian burn.
They look at each other and shrug.
What do you say?
All right. I mean it’s your wife and daughter.
Thanks. I’ll try not to do it too hard.
I appreciate that.
He terrified you in Saw. He scarified you in Saw II. You watched him in Saw III, even though you probably should have waited for video. Next Halloween, see how it all started, with “Saw: The Beginning!”
Eric gives Jordan a half-hearted Indian burn.
So, can we go now?
Not so fast! You still have a choice to make! A horrifying choice, regarding your leg chains and that hacksaw.
What is it?
To escape from the chains, you need to break open the hacksaw, to find the key, which I’ve concealed inside the handle.
How is that a horrifying choice?
Because you’re breaking a brand-new hacksaw! One I intended to give to you, as a souvenir!
Uh… yeah. I think we’re okay with that.
Really? But it’s such a nice saw.
Hey, crazy killer guy! You should have made the choice something like, “the hacksaw isn’t strong enough to cut through the chains, but it can cut through your leg.
Yeah, that would be diabolical.
Ooh, that is good. Can I steal that? I’m writing that down right now.
…strong… enough… to cut through bone.
Wow, and you just thought of that right now? How’d you come up with it?
I dunno. It just came to me.
Listen. You wanna come work for me? Clearly I haven’t figured out how to strike the delicate balance between the horrific and the mundane. I could use a guy like you to come up with my traps.
Gee, I appreciate the offer, but I’m pulling down about 150 grand a year as the regional V.P. for J.C. Penney’s, so unless you can match that… plus, it’s not illegal.
Wow, 150? I’m not making nearly that much in serial killing.
Listen, though, I bet you’ll get better. You just need to put more thought into it.
Yeah, plus—practice, practice, practice.
Before you learn to kill, you have to learn to crawl. Can you handle one man’s quest to inflict graphic inconvenience?
One last thing! While you were sleeping I inserted a small pebble into your left shoes. You can either go through the trouble of removing and re-tying your shoes, or you can walk around all day with the discomfort of…
While he has been talking, they have both removed their shoes, and tipped the pebbles out onto the floor, causing him to fall silent.
Saw: The Beginning! Look for it next year!
Friday, October 13, 2006
That means that it's eight kinds of fun! Octo being the latin word for eight! So in the second part of that slogan the "octo" doesn't really relate to the "octo" in October, because October is the tenth month! But, incidentally, October got its name because it was the eighth month in the Roman calendar! On second thought, perhaps our slogan requires more clarification than would be ideal! Anyway, Oktoberfest is Octofun because of...
(4.) Polka bands!
And did we mention the beer? There's hard cider, pumpkin flavored beer, sweet potato beer, butternut squash beer, cinnamon beer, nutmeg beer, dried stalks of corn beer, brown tree leaves beer, cardboard jack-o-lantern hung on your front door beer, sequel to the movie SAW beer, and hundreds of other flavors! With all this bounty, can you afford to have a sober October?!
So, all this month, come on down to the Scaregrounds (again, the name has nothing to do with October; it's just a typo) and bring the kids, so you have someone to drive you home.
SUBJECT: RE: how you need it
With regards to your earlier query regarding the way you need it. I would like to assure you that any way you want it would be fine.
* * *
SUBJECT: RE: how you need it
Any way I want it?
* * *
RE: how you need it
D - that's the way you need it, yes.
* * *
SUBJECT: RE: how you need it
That seems awfully wide open. I find it hard to believe that absolutely any choice that I make w/r/t the way that I want it would supply me (in equal measure) with the way that I need it.
Thanks for your help clearing up this matter!
* * *
SUBJECT: RE: how you need it
Look, man. All I know is this-- if you want it in any way, that's how you need it.
* * *
SUBJECT: RE: how you need it
What you're telling me defies logic. For instance, say that one day (A) the way I want it is with chocolate sauce and a maraschino cherry, and on day (B) I wanted it with sardines and flan. Do I truly need it the same on (B) as I do on (A)? Or what if I wanted it with knife fights, open sores, and castration. Is that really the way I need it?
* * *
SUBJECT: RE: how you need it
Thursday, October 12, 2006
What do I mean, rejected? Well, in putting together the show, the other writers and I generated about twice as much material as we needed, and then cut it down to just the best stuff. This is one sketch that did not make the cut. (A decision I totally agree with, by the way-- the other sketches I wrote were much stronger.)
But why waste sub-par material? Especially since I'm feeling lazy and don't want to generate original content for this site. Thus, I'm giving you this peek behind the scenes. If you come to see Zombira, you'll see sketches sort of like this one.
Except, you know. Better.
OBVIOUS VAMPIRE SKETCH
A woman, SHARON, lies in the middle of the stage, with red fang marks on her neck. Two businessmen, SAM and DAVE, ENTER.
So that’s why I’ll never put that particular part of my body in the copy machine again.
That story was awful.
Lighten up, man. If you can’t have fun in the office, which is where we currently are, being two businessmen, then where can…
Oh my God, it’s Sharon from accounting!
Sam runs over and feels her pulse.
Is she dead?
I can’t tell. Hand me your cocaine mirror.
(handing it over)
Dude, I told you not to call it my cocaine mirror at work.
Sam holds a small mirror in front of Sharon’s face, and then looks at it to see if it's fogged up.
She’s not breathing. God, what do you think happened?
I dunno, but this doesn’t look like a natural death. What are those marks on her neck?
They look almost like… fang marks. And she’s all pale, like the blood has been sucked from her. Jesus, you don’t think a dog attacked her, do you?
Dogs don’t drink blood, idiot.
They do if they’re thirsty!
TODD ENTERS. He has long red streaks extending down from both sides of his mouth, over his chin, down across his shirt. He also has fangs.
Hey guys, what’s up?
Hey Todd. Get this: Sam thinks some sort of thirsty dog killed Sharon from accounting. Isn’t that retarded?
Sharon from accounting is dead? God. Mondays, huh?
DAVE and SAM
(groan in agreement)
Are you a doctor, Dave? Or a vet? Then shut up! I’d like to know what you think happened!
I dunno. Maybe she fell onto two evenly spaced message spindles. Right Todd?
Yeah, we don’t know. It could have been anything. Maybe her death was completely unrelated to the loss of her delicious blood. Maybe she had a heart attack.
Totally. Why do you always think it has something to do with delicious blood, Sam?
I don’t! I attributed the last corpse to heat stroke! And besides, I…
(noticing Todd’s shirt)
Hey, uh… Todd. You got a little something on your shirt.
Oops! Heh heh! No more cherry Kool-Aid for Todd, right guys?
Yeah, you’ve got a real drool problem there, don’t you Todd?
I wouldn’t make fun, Dave—not if you value your precious bodily fluids.
Well, anyway. I guess we should call an ambulance… or at least tell her mom, Debbie from accounting.
Those two have such a weird last name.
What’s that, Todd? I couldn’t understand you because of your oversized canine teeth.
Sorry. I said, perhaps before you do that, you should check her again, to make sure she’s really dead.
(kneeling down, with mirror)
Well, okay, but I’m pretty sure she’s…
Sharon gets up, startling Sam and Dave.
God, Sharon! We thought you were dead! Man, this is just what happened with the last five bloodless corpses that mysteriously reanimated! We are so bad at telling if people are dead or not!
Sharon, are you feeling okay? You weren’t breathing, and now you’re not showing up in Dave’s cocaine mirror!
Dude, ixnay on the ocaine irrormay!
No, I’m fine—I probably fainted.
What about your neck?
Oh, y’know… hickey. Forgot my turtleneck. No, I’m fine now. I must’ve just caught that bug that’s going around.
Jesus, I hope I don’t get it. I can’t comb my hair without a mirror to save my life.
(runs fingers through hair)
Tell me about it… I mean… I totally show up in mirrors!
Well, anyway—I’m glad you’re okay, but Sam and I need to motor if we wanna make that 11 o’clock meeting. Mondays huh?
SHARON & TODD
Sam and Dave wave to them and EXIT. A beat.
So… you wanna take an early lunch?
Sure. Anything but Dave, though. Guy’s so jacked up on coke that I’d be addicted before I hit an artery.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
How about Daily Show correspondent Dan Bakkedahl? One of America's first names in satiric newscasting! Huh? Are you excited yet?
What's that? You say you like Dan Bakkedahl, but want something a little more October-y? Well how about this-- we've been spending the last month GHOST HUNTING and we've created three totally scarifying videos about our TRUE experiences seeking these visitors from BEYOND THE GRAVE!
Plus all the usual shenanigans you've come to expect from what we call The Kalan Krew (tm)*. We don't know why that nickname hasn't caught on. There's nothing cooler than self-applied alliterative sobriquets!
Also, did we mention GHOST HUNTING?
THE PRIMETIME KALAN
Saturday, October 21st, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy's No. 43
43 East 7th Street
(between 2nd and 3rd avenue)
Tix: only $5!
And stick around after the show for our wisecrack-filled Bad Movie Night, where we'll be screening the horror classic Feeders 2: Slay Bells.
*Elliot, Erik, myself, and sometimes Brock.