I posted the text to my Slutty Costumes Sketch last year, but now (thanks to my wife) I have video of it. Well, of half of it. But, honestly, you get the idea (although if you want the background, follow the link above and then switch to the video the moment she pulls out the "slutty calendar").
Showing posts with label holiday sketch shows. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holiday sketch shows. Show all posts
Friday, November 09, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
ZOMBIRA TONIGHT!
Well, the previews are over (as is... well... the first show -- yeah, I sort of dropped the ball in promoting this), but there are still TWO chances to see Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular (a sketch show) this Halloween season.
Advance tickets are available (without any service charge!) at Brown Paper Tickets. We share the bill with Jameson Bartleby's Haunted Hayride featuring Jeremiah Murphy (fans of the summer show might remember him as Sealegs McGoo). Also, Monday (tonight)'s show will be preceded by the Disgraceland Family freak show. So if you wanna see a freak show, tonight's the night to come. If you wanna avoid a freak show, come see us tomorrow.
Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular
Part of the Big Bang at MC2
October 29, and 30 at 8 PM
The Sage Theater
711 7th Avenue
Times Square, Manhattan
8PM, $12
"ZSHH" is your #1 resource for sketches involving me in a pirate hat and jumpsuit.
Advance tickets are available (without any service charge!) at Brown Paper Tickets. We share the bill with Jameson Bartleby's Haunted Hayride featuring Jeremiah Murphy (fans of the summer show might remember him as Sealegs McGoo). Also, Monday (tonight)'s show will be preceded by the Disgraceland Family freak show. So if you wanna see a freak show, tonight's the night to come. If you wanna avoid a freak show, come see us tomorrow.
Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular
Part of the Big Bang at MC2
October 29, and 30 at 8 PM
The Sage Theater
711 7th Avenue
Times Square, Manhattan
8PM, $12
"ZSHH" is your #1 resource for sketches involving me in a pirate hat and jumpsuit.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Zombira RETURNS FROM THE GRAVE
Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular, the sketch show that played to full and delighted houses last October is back for this Halloween season! It sports half the original cast, and half NEW BLOOD, but all the sketches from last year will be represented, as well as an all-new bonus sketch, at no additional charge to you, the discerning Halloween sketch show consumer. Whatta deal!The dates are Thursday the 25, Sunday the 28th, Monday the 29th, and Tuesday the 30th (so you don't have to miss any weekend Halloween party fun, to enjoy the show) at 8 PM. Thursday's preview performance is "pay what you can." Advance tickets are available (without any service charge!) at Brown Paper Tickets. We'll be sharing the bill with Jameson Bartleby's Haunted Hayride featuring Jeremiah Murphy (fans of the summer show might remember him as Sealegs McGoo), and the Disgraceland Family, a real live freak show. (Epiphone, the dramatic improvisors, come on after intermission, so if dramatic improv doesn't sound fun to you, that's the time to cut out.)
So come, celebrate your Halloween by seeing a bunch of people dressed up in silly costumes... uh... hmn... but, BUT, they'll be acting in funny scenes, instead of drunk off mulled cider in your buddy's apartment. And also...
SCHOOLGIRL CATFIGHT!!!
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Summer Funtime Special TONIGHT
In honor of tonight's premiere of The Summer Funtime Special (a fun summertime sketch comedy show celebrating fun summertime fun), we ask the question:
Is the Summer Funtime Special more fun than a random assortment of images called up when doing a Google image search for "summer fun?"
Just saying Fun in the Sun! doesn't make it so, Fun in the Sun. Plus, what are all those speckles around you? Look like pockmarks to me. I think what you need is to spend a little time out of the sun, maybe in a nice baking soda bath. That ought to stop the itching.
Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.
You know what makes this paper plate Summer-themed? No, it's not the sun, or the beach accouterments, or the palm tree. It's that this disposable paper plate personally contributes to the imminent ENDLESS SUMMER of global warming, what with the deforestation and the petrochemicals and whatnot. BOOOooooo! Boo, Summer-Themed Paper Plate!
Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.
Sure, I enjoy reading books as much as the next librarian's son. But a tree that yields book fruit? Truly these are some dark majicks indeed. Plus, look at the poor indentured laborer picking the books-- he's halfway off that ladder! Were you aware that book-picking accidents were responsible for 172 deaths in the last second alone? And the tragedy of it all is he's probably picking some shit by Nicholas Sparks.
Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.
Sure, the sun relaxing in an innertube, with giant John Lennon shades and a cool drink seems fun, until you realize that the resulting steam explosion will soon dwarf the one in New York City by a factor of several billion.
Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.
AUGHHHHHHHH! GIANT STYLIZED JAPANESE SQUID!!!
Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.
Nothing is more fun than Froggy Going Fishing.
Advantage: Froggy Going Fishing.
Still, in 5 out of 6 instances, the Summer Funtime Special is more fun than random images culled from a Google image search for "Summer Fun." Better play it safe and come to the Summer Funtime Special.
Thursday - Sunday at 8:00pm
July 26, 27, 28 & 29
at the Sage Theater
711 7th Avenue, Times Square
Starring Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Dan McCoy, and Stacy Mayer
Written by Rob Bates, Matt Koff and Dan McCoy
Directed by Jeremy Westphal
Artistic Director: Stacy Mayer
Stage Manager: Karie Hunt
Part of MC2's The Big Bang
Is the Summer Funtime Special more fun than a random assortment of images called up when doing a Google image search for "summer fun?"
Just saying Fun in the Sun! doesn't make it so, Fun in the Sun. Plus, what are all those speckles around you? Look like pockmarks to me. I think what you need is to spend a little time out of the sun, maybe in a nice baking soda bath. That ought to stop the itching.
Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.
You know what makes this paper plate Summer-themed? No, it's not the sun, or the beach accouterments, or the palm tree. It's that this disposable paper plate personally contributes to the imminent ENDLESS SUMMER of global warming, what with the deforestation and the petrochemicals and whatnot. BOOOooooo! Boo, Summer-Themed Paper Plate!
Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.
Sure, I enjoy reading books as much as the next librarian's son. But a tree that yields book fruit? Truly these are some dark majicks indeed. Plus, look at the poor indentured laborer picking the books-- he's halfway off that ladder! Were you aware that book-picking accidents were responsible for 172 deaths in the last second alone? And the tragedy of it all is he's probably picking some shit by Nicholas Sparks.
Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.
Sure, the sun relaxing in an innertube, with giant John Lennon shades and a cool drink seems fun, until you realize that the resulting steam explosion will soon dwarf the one in New York City by a factor of several billion.
Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.
AUGHHHHHHHH! GIANT STYLIZED JAPANESE SQUID!!!
Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.
Nothing is more fun than Froggy Going Fishing.
Advantage: Froggy Going Fishing.
Still, in 5 out of 6 instances, the Summer Funtime Special is more fun than random images culled from a Google image search for "Summer Fun." Better play it safe and come to the Summer Funtime Special.
Thursday - Sunday at 8:00pm
July 26, 27, 28 & 29
at the Sage Theater
711 7th Avenue, Times Square
Starring Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Dan McCoy, and Stacy Mayer
Written by Rob Bates, Matt Koff and Dan McCoy
Directed by Jeremy Westphal
Artistic Director: Stacy Mayer
Stage Manager: Karie Hunt
Part of MC2's The Big Bang
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
New Show ALERT: The Summer Funtime Special
I'll be co-starring in a sketch show next weekend (co-written by me). So come out and see the show, or regret missing it. Or don't regret missing it. That's the other option open to you: complete disinterest and lack of regret. It's a popular choice, as I understand.
What's the show?
"The Summer Funtime Special"
Barbecues, bikinis, beachballs, and blockbusters. Finally, a sketch show that celebrates what Time Magazine calls "The World's Hottest Season." An earlier version of this show was reviewed as having "sharp writing and performing" -- Jester Journal. Yes, some random guy with a website liked it. A ROUSING ENDORSEMENT! When have they ever been wrong?
Basically it's a collection of seasonal sketches, some old (don't worry, you haven't seen them), some new, in the vein of Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular. If you liked that, chances are you'll like this too.
The at-the-door price is $15, but that gets you into all three of the evening's shows (the other two being "Sealegs McGoo," a one-man character piece, and "Plan B," another sketch group, so the ticket price covers the whole night). However, you can get a small discount by buying tix online. It's $12, with no additional service fee (the website is sort of confusing because the site says "w/service fee," but they mean to say it's included).
The key information is below:
Thursday - Sunday at 8:00pm
July 26, 27, 28 & 29
at the Sage Theater
711 7th Avenue, Times Square
Starring Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Dan McCoy, and Stacy Mayer
Written by Rob Bates, Matt Koff and Dan McCoy
Directed by Jeremy Westphal
Artistic Director: Stacy Mayer
Stage Manager: Karie Hunt
Part of MC2's The Big Bang
Disclaimer: this show is not affiliated with the Girl Scouts, although balding lothario Rob Bates wants readers to know that he's done a little girl scouting in his time, if you know what he means.
What's the show?
"The Summer Funtime Special"
Barbecues, bikinis, beachballs, and blockbusters. Finally, a sketch show that celebrates what Time Magazine calls "The World's Hottest Season." An earlier version of this show was reviewed as having "sharp writing and performing" -- Jester Journal. Yes, some random guy with a website liked it. A ROUSING ENDORSEMENT! When have they ever been wrong?
Basically it's a collection of seasonal sketches, some old (don't worry, you haven't seen them), some new, in the vein of Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular. If you liked that, chances are you'll like this too.
The at-the-door price is $15, but that gets you into all three of the evening's shows (the other two being "Sealegs McGoo," a one-man character piece, and "Plan B," another sketch group, so the ticket price covers the whole night). However, you can get a small discount by buying tix online. It's $12, with no additional service fee (the website is sort of confusing because the site says "w/service fee," but they mean to say it's included).
The key information is below:
Thursday - Sunday at 8:00pm
July 26, 27, 28 & 29
at the Sage Theater
711 7th Avenue, Times Square
Starring Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Dan McCoy, and Stacy Mayer
Written by Rob Bates, Matt Koff and Dan McCoy
Directed by Jeremy Westphal
Artistic Director: Stacy Mayer
Stage Manager: Karie Hunt
Part of MC2's The Big Bang
Disclaimer: this show is not affiliated with the Girl Scouts, although balding lothario Rob Bates wants readers to know that he's done a little girl scouting in his time, if you know what he means.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Friend Plug Corner: Valentine's Video Cavalcade
I did a sketch show with a bunch of folks for Halloween, back around... Halloween. Many of the same folks put together a Valentine's Day sketch show that ran this last weekend. I've been busy working on some other things, so I wasn't involved. However, I did go as an audience member and greatly enjoyed myself.
Anyway, I'm posting about this, because nearly the entire show is now up on YouTube, so if you're having a boring Monday, I urge you to watch and enjoy. I recommend Kate and Theodore (2 parts), The Florist, and The Gondola.
Anyway, I'm posting about this, because nearly the entire show is now up on YouTube, so if you're having a boring Monday, I urge you to watch and enjoy. I recommend Kate and Theodore (2 parts), The Florist, and The Gondola.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
So Many Memories: Part Two
Here's the second part of my photo retrospective of comedy shows from the last few months (pictures courtesy of my wife). This time, we focus on Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular (you can find the full text of a couple of the sketches here).
Rival candy-poisoner Regine (Liz Lord) critiques my crazy old man candy-poisoning technique.
My religious powers are called upon, to defeat the devil child Rob Bates.
I am distracted in my mission by the hot mom of the Antichrist (Lindsay Joy).
My co-biosphere inhabitant Gustav (George Basil) explains that, being in a self contained environment thousands of miles from civilization, we will likely be getting no trick-or-treaters.
Schoolgirls (Autumn Clark, Lindsay, and Liz) argue over whose night it is to be slutty, while Slutty Cat (Stacy Mayer) looks on.
I am attacked by a giant praying mantis. Tragically, I did not survive.
Rival candy-poisoner Regine (Liz Lord) critiques my crazy old man candy-poisoning technique.
My religious powers are called upon, to defeat the devil child Rob Bates.
I am distracted in my mission by the hot mom of the Antichrist (Lindsay Joy).
My co-biosphere inhabitant Gustav (George Basil) explains that, being in a self contained environment thousands of miles from civilization, we will likely be getting no trick-or-treaters.
Schoolgirls (Autumn Clark, Lindsay, and Liz) argue over whose night it is to be slutty, while Slutty Cat (Stacy Mayer) looks on.
I am attacked by a giant praying mantis. Tragically, I did not survive.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Happy Halloween!
In honor of the holiday, and the end of our show, here are the scripts for my two sketches from Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular. Enjoy.
--
The Antichrist Has a Hot Mom
A CHILD, wearing a blazer and a small cap is onstage, along with his HOT MOM, who is wearing something sexy.
The MUSIC from The Omen plays in the background, fading out softly as the sketch unfolds.
SFX: Doorbell. The NANNY rushes to answer the door, letting in a PRIEST.
NANNY
Oh, thank God you’re here!
PRIEST
Settle down; settle down my son. There’s no point in giving into fear. Now are you the boy’s father?
NANNY
No, I’m their male nanny. He killed his father! Cut a pentagram into his chest, with an orange zester! Now it’s just me, the devil child, and his mother. The nanny indicates the child’s mother, and the priest does a take.
PRIEST
Hello! Jesus, that is one hot mom! It’s just you and her here, you say? Pretty sweet!
NANNY
Well, me and her and the boy. He’s the reason I called you here; remember?
PRIEST
Right, right. You say you think the boy is the antichrist… and… uh…
(looking at the mother, distracted)
What makes you say that?
NANNY
Well, there’s the patricide to start with… then there are the hellhounds that gather at his window when he cries; there’s the eyeless monk who foretold his birth; there’s his love for the movie Straight Talk, starring Dolly Parton and James Woods; there’s the time he immolated an entire bus of school…
PRIEST
(cutting him off)
I’m sorry, but—she… is… just so hot. I mean, look at those calves. And the…
(makes a breast motion)
…they’re like they never shrank after she stopped nursing. How old was she, when she had the spawn of Satan there?
NANNY
Um… I think she got pregnant right after high school, so probably… who cares!? Surely we should be strategizing about how to kill him, to prevent hell on Earth!
PRIEST
Right, right. Sorry, it’s just hard not to be distracted. She’s such a MALF.
A beat.
PRIEST
Mother of the Antichrist I’d like to F…
NANNY
(interrupting)
I get it.
PRIEST
I mean, I know the devil’s bad, but I have to give him his due—if I was going to impregnate someone with my infernal seed, I’d pick her!
(towards the ground/ hell)
My hat is off you sir!
NANNY
What is wrong with you? You’re a priest! You shouldn’t be congratulating Satan or talking about how much you’d like to screw the Antichrist’s mom!
PRIEST
Look, she’s not just any Antichrist’s mom…
NANNY
Shut up! Right now, you need to focus on averting the apocalypse!
PRIEST
Whatever. I wouldn’t expect a male nanny to understand.
NANNY
What’s that supposed to mean?
PRIEST
Nothing.
A beat.
NANNY
Oh, I get it. A male nanny. You’re saying I’m gay.
PRIEST
(shrugs)
NANNY
Oh come on!
PRIEST
It’s not because you’re a male nanny that you’re gay. It’s because you’re a male nanny and you don’t care how hot she is—that’s what makes you gay.
NANNY
I care! I’m just trying to save the world.
PRIEST
I mean, I’m a priest and I can barely keep it in my pants!
NANNY
I’m not gay!
PRIEST
Listen. I don’t care if you’re gay. I’m not that kind of priest. You’re cool with me. Just admit it, so we can get over this issue of why you don’t want to have sex with the Antichrist’s incredibly arousing, sensual, voluptuous, mom.
NANNY
Fine. I may be a little confused about my sexuality… but that doesn’t change the fact that you need to eradicate the devil’s spawn before we’re all doomed to an eternity of maggots and Dolly Parton movies.
PRIEST
Apology accepted.
NANNY
(pushing him towards the mom)
Get over there.
PRIEST
Er… hello there, ma’mn. I hear that you’re having a little Antichrist problem.
HOT MOM
(breathily)
Oh yes! It’s so horrible! He’s the spawn of my loins, so I’m attached to him, but I know that beneath it all, he’s pure… deviant… evil.
The priest has been leaning in closer and closer, reacting to the words “loins” and “deviant.” He recovers.
PRIEST
Well, the first thing to do, is to make sure that there are no other devil children in there.
(indicates her belly)
Sadly, you have been violated by Satan, and your womb may bear his sinful mark. The only possible solution is for a man of the cloth to have sex with you, to counteract any ill effects. If I may bravely volunteer—allow my liquids to be like a hot holy injection, cleansing you from within, in a spiritual eruption.
HOT MOM
Do you really think that will help?
PRIEST
(to audience)
Couldn’t hoit!
The priest does a take to the audience. Everyone freezes.
MUSIC: Merry Go Round Broke Down (the Merrie Melodies theme)
The Antichrist unfreezes and stabs the Male Nanny repeatedly. Everyone else remains frozen.
NANNY
Help! I’m getting killed! Why aren’t you doing anything?! Someone help me!
Blackout.
--
Slutty Costumes Sketch
Two women, LISA and ASHLEY, are onstage. Both wear slutty catholic schoolgirl costumes. They’re drinking punch and trying not to look at one another.
Music plays.. A third woman, KATHY, also wearing a slutty schoolgirl costume ENTERS, arm and arm with her DATE, who wears a normal shirt and an eyepatch.
KATHY
(entering)
I can’t wait for you to meet my friends. This is going to be the best Halloween party ev…
Kathy stops short, registering the two other women, also dressed as schoolgirls.
KATHY
(cont’d)
You have got to be fucking kidding me!
The other two schoolgirls notice her, and react.
LISA
Oh, no. No no. Not you too!
ASHLEY
(almost overlapping)
What are you wearing?!
KATHY
I’m wearing my slutty schoolgirl costume, what are you wearing?
LISA & ASHLEY
I’m wearing my slutty schoolgirl costume!
KATHY
This always happens! Lisa, I thought we agreed that you were going to be a slutty nurse!
LISA
Bullshit! You were supposed to be the slutty nurse!
KATHY
No, that was for last night’s Halloween party, where everyone showed up as slutty nurses, even though you were supposed to be a slutty angel, and Ashley was supposed to be a slutty French maid! Tonight, Saturday, I was supposed to be the slutty schoolgirl!
ASHLEY
(timidly)
I thought I was the slutty schoolgirl.
KATHY & LISA
You were supposed to be the slutty cavewoman!
ASHLEY
Slutty cavewoman?
LISA
You know—leopard skin dress?
ASHLEY
Sounds more like slutty jungle girl to me.
LISA
Whatever! The point is: I’m the slutty schoolgirl!
KATHY
No, I am!
A fourth woman, SANDI, enters, wearing a slutty cat costume.
SANDI
Hi guys! What’s going on? Why aren’t you all wearing your slutty cat costumes?
KATHY
Sandi. What… The fuck… Are you talking about?
SANDI
You know, how we all planned to be slutty cats.
(she makes a half-hearted cat-scratch motion)
Meow!
KATHY
Why would we all want to dress up as slutty cats for Halloween?
SANDI
You’re all dressed the same!
LISA
It’s a mistake!
SANDI
Whatever. I just don’t know why you’d ruin things like this, since we always all dress up as slutty cats. That’s our thing. We’re the group of girls that dresses as slutty cats.
KATHY
We all dressed up as slutty cats ONCE—five years ago!
LISA
By mistake!
ASHLEY
And ever since you’ve been dressing up as a slutty cat every year, and trying to get the rest of us to join your slutty cat gang, even though we all know that you were supposed to be a slutty policewoman! I’m beginning to think you just have some sort of slutty cat fetish!
SANDI
(she does)
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
ASHLEY
I don’t even get the slutty cat thing. What is it? Are guys supposed to want to fuck a cat? I don’t understand!
LISA
Ashley, stop bugging Sandi about her deep-seated need to be a slutty cat. The important thing is that you guys always wear the wrong thing, and I was supposed to be the slutty schoolgirl!
KATHY
No you weren’t! Do you want me to check the slutty calendar?!
LISA
Fine!
Kathy whips out the slutty calendar, which is a calendar made up entirely of October 31st’s
KATHY
Here we go—Halloween 2006. Ashley: slutty cavewoman, Sandy: slutty policewoman—definitely not slutty cat,
(triumphantly)
Lisa: slutty nurse, and Kathy: slutty schoolgirl. While we’re at it, why not go over next year?! Ashley: slutty secretary, Sandy: slutty cheerleader, Lisa: slutty Cleopatra, and Kathy: slutty superhero! 2008 Ashley: slutty robot, Sandy: slutty meter maid, Lisa: slutty MTA worker, and Kathy: slutty World War II bombadier! 2009 Ashley: slutty Attorney General, Sandy: slutty circus strongwoman, Lisa: slutty 1930’s aviatrix, and Kathy: slutty slut! 2010…
LISA
(interrupting)
How do we know that slutty calendar isn’t a slutty forgery!
SANDI
Yeah! I think Kathy’s really dressed as a slutty bitch!
KATHY
You whores!
She runs at them, as if to fight, but her date (on the sidelines until now) restrains her.
DATE
Ladies, ladies! Calm down. I think you’ve all been fighting so much, that you’ve forgotten the true meaning of slutty costumes…
INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC rises in the background.
DATE (cont’d)
Namely, to get super drunk, grind one-another on the dance floor, and to come onto men—men who’ve barely put any thought into their costumes at all.
There is general agreement from all the girls. They’re coming around.
DATE (cont’d)
To me, you’re all equally slutty … even slutty cat, who does indeed do something for me, for reasons I can’t quite justify or comprehend. In fact, you’re all so slutty that I’m contemplating asking all of you to come home with me tonight, and I think you’d be totally into that. Plus, I’ll let you in on a little secret---
(flipping his eye patch up)
Beneath this half-assed pirate costume, I’m a bit of a slut too.
MUSIC ENDS. A beat.
DATE (cont'd)
Now let’s go back to my place, where I have several gallons of Mike’s Hard Lemonade!
All the women cheer. The four partygoers exit arm-in-arm.
Blackout
--
The Antichrist Has a Hot Mom
A CHILD, wearing a blazer and a small cap is onstage, along with his HOT MOM, who is wearing something sexy.
The MUSIC from The Omen plays in the background, fading out softly as the sketch unfolds.
SFX: Doorbell. The NANNY rushes to answer the door, letting in a PRIEST.
NANNY
Oh, thank God you’re here!
PRIEST
Settle down; settle down my son. There’s no point in giving into fear. Now are you the boy’s father?
NANNY
No, I’m their male nanny. He killed his father! Cut a pentagram into his chest, with an orange zester! Now it’s just me, the devil child, and his mother. The nanny indicates the child’s mother, and the priest does a take.
PRIEST
Hello! Jesus, that is one hot mom! It’s just you and her here, you say? Pretty sweet!
NANNY
Well, me and her and the boy. He’s the reason I called you here; remember?
PRIEST
Right, right. You say you think the boy is the antichrist… and… uh…
(looking at the mother, distracted)
What makes you say that?
NANNY
Well, there’s the patricide to start with… then there are the hellhounds that gather at his window when he cries; there’s the eyeless monk who foretold his birth; there’s his love for the movie Straight Talk, starring Dolly Parton and James Woods; there’s the time he immolated an entire bus of school…
PRIEST
(cutting him off)
I’m sorry, but—she… is… just so hot. I mean, look at those calves. And the…
(makes a breast motion)
…they’re like they never shrank after she stopped nursing. How old was she, when she had the spawn of Satan there?
NANNY
Um… I think she got pregnant right after high school, so probably… who cares!? Surely we should be strategizing about how to kill him, to prevent hell on Earth!
PRIEST
Right, right. Sorry, it’s just hard not to be distracted. She’s such a MALF.
A beat.
PRIEST
Mother of the Antichrist I’d like to F…
NANNY
(interrupting)
I get it.
PRIEST
I mean, I know the devil’s bad, but I have to give him his due—if I was going to impregnate someone with my infernal seed, I’d pick her!
(towards the ground/ hell)
My hat is off you sir!
NANNY
What is wrong with you? You’re a priest! You shouldn’t be congratulating Satan or talking about how much you’d like to screw the Antichrist’s mom!
PRIEST
Look, she’s not just any Antichrist’s mom…
NANNY
Shut up! Right now, you need to focus on averting the apocalypse!
PRIEST
Whatever. I wouldn’t expect a male nanny to understand.
NANNY
What’s that supposed to mean?
PRIEST
Nothing.
A beat.
NANNY
Oh, I get it. A male nanny. You’re saying I’m gay.
PRIEST
(shrugs)
NANNY
Oh come on!
PRIEST
It’s not because you’re a male nanny that you’re gay. It’s because you’re a male nanny and you don’t care how hot she is—that’s what makes you gay.
NANNY
I care! I’m just trying to save the world.
PRIEST
I mean, I’m a priest and I can barely keep it in my pants!
NANNY
I’m not gay!
PRIEST
Listen. I don’t care if you’re gay. I’m not that kind of priest. You’re cool with me. Just admit it, so we can get over this issue of why you don’t want to have sex with the Antichrist’s incredibly arousing, sensual, voluptuous, mom.
NANNY
Fine. I may be a little confused about my sexuality… but that doesn’t change the fact that you need to eradicate the devil’s spawn before we’re all doomed to an eternity of maggots and Dolly Parton movies.
PRIEST
Apology accepted.
NANNY
(pushing him towards the mom)
Get over there.
PRIEST
Er… hello there, ma’mn. I hear that you’re having a little Antichrist problem.
HOT MOM
(breathily)
Oh yes! It’s so horrible! He’s the spawn of my loins, so I’m attached to him, but I know that beneath it all, he’s pure… deviant… evil.
The priest has been leaning in closer and closer, reacting to the words “loins” and “deviant.” He recovers.
PRIEST
Well, the first thing to do, is to make sure that there are no other devil children in there.
(indicates her belly)
Sadly, you have been violated by Satan, and your womb may bear his sinful mark. The only possible solution is for a man of the cloth to have sex with you, to counteract any ill effects. If I may bravely volunteer—allow my liquids to be like a hot holy injection, cleansing you from within, in a spiritual eruption.
HOT MOM
Do you really think that will help?
PRIEST
(to audience)
Couldn’t hoit!
The priest does a take to the audience. Everyone freezes.
MUSIC: Merry Go Round Broke Down (the Merrie Melodies theme)
The Antichrist unfreezes and stabs the Male Nanny repeatedly. Everyone else remains frozen.
NANNY
Help! I’m getting killed! Why aren’t you doing anything?! Someone help me!
Blackout.
--
Slutty Costumes Sketch
Two women, LISA and ASHLEY, are onstage. Both wear slutty catholic schoolgirl costumes. They’re drinking punch and trying not to look at one another.
Music plays.. A third woman, KATHY, also wearing a slutty schoolgirl costume ENTERS, arm and arm with her DATE, who wears a normal shirt and an eyepatch.
KATHY
(entering)
I can’t wait for you to meet my friends. This is going to be the best Halloween party ev…
Kathy stops short, registering the two other women, also dressed as schoolgirls.
KATHY
(cont’d)
You have got to be fucking kidding me!
The other two schoolgirls notice her, and react.
LISA
Oh, no. No no. Not you too!
ASHLEY
(almost overlapping)
What are you wearing?!
KATHY
I’m wearing my slutty schoolgirl costume, what are you wearing?
LISA & ASHLEY
I’m wearing my slutty schoolgirl costume!
KATHY
This always happens! Lisa, I thought we agreed that you were going to be a slutty nurse!
LISA
Bullshit! You were supposed to be the slutty nurse!
KATHY
No, that was for last night’s Halloween party, where everyone showed up as slutty nurses, even though you were supposed to be a slutty angel, and Ashley was supposed to be a slutty French maid! Tonight, Saturday, I was supposed to be the slutty schoolgirl!
ASHLEY
(timidly)
I thought I was the slutty schoolgirl.
KATHY & LISA
You were supposed to be the slutty cavewoman!
ASHLEY
Slutty cavewoman?
LISA
You know—leopard skin dress?
ASHLEY
Sounds more like slutty jungle girl to me.
LISA
Whatever! The point is: I’m the slutty schoolgirl!
KATHY
No, I am!
A fourth woman, SANDI, enters, wearing a slutty cat costume.
SANDI
Hi guys! What’s going on? Why aren’t you all wearing your slutty cat costumes?
KATHY
Sandi. What… The fuck… Are you talking about?
SANDI
You know, how we all planned to be slutty cats.
(she makes a half-hearted cat-scratch motion)
Meow!
KATHY
Why would we all want to dress up as slutty cats for Halloween?
SANDI
You’re all dressed the same!
LISA
It’s a mistake!
SANDI
Whatever. I just don’t know why you’d ruin things like this, since we always all dress up as slutty cats. That’s our thing. We’re the group of girls that dresses as slutty cats.
KATHY
We all dressed up as slutty cats ONCE—five years ago!
LISA
By mistake!
ASHLEY
And ever since you’ve been dressing up as a slutty cat every year, and trying to get the rest of us to join your slutty cat gang, even though we all know that you were supposed to be a slutty policewoman! I’m beginning to think you just have some sort of slutty cat fetish!
SANDI
(she does)
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
ASHLEY
I don’t even get the slutty cat thing. What is it? Are guys supposed to want to fuck a cat? I don’t understand!
LISA
Ashley, stop bugging Sandi about her deep-seated need to be a slutty cat. The important thing is that you guys always wear the wrong thing, and I was supposed to be the slutty schoolgirl!
KATHY
No you weren’t! Do you want me to check the slutty calendar?!
LISA
Fine!
Kathy whips out the slutty calendar, which is a calendar made up entirely of October 31st’s
KATHY
Here we go—Halloween 2006. Ashley: slutty cavewoman, Sandy: slutty policewoman—definitely not slutty cat,
(triumphantly)
Lisa: slutty nurse, and Kathy: slutty schoolgirl. While we’re at it, why not go over next year?! Ashley: slutty secretary, Sandy: slutty cheerleader, Lisa: slutty Cleopatra, and Kathy: slutty superhero! 2008 Ashley: slutty robot, Sandy: slutty meter maid, Lisa: slutty MTA worker, and Kathy: slutty World War II bombadier! 2009 Ashley: slutty Attorney General, Sandy: slutty circus strongwoman, Lisa: slutty 1930’s aviatrix, and Kathy: slutty slut! 2010…
LISA
(interrupting)
How do we know that slutty calendar isn’t a slutty forgery!
SANDI
Yeah! I think Kathy’s really dressed as a slutty bitch!
KATHY
You whores!
She runs at them, as if to fight, but her date (on the sidelines until now) restrains her.
DATE
Ladies, ladies! Calm down. I think you’ve all been fighting so much, that you’ve forgotten the true meaning of slutty costumes…
INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC rises in the background.
DATE (cont’d)
Namely, to get super drunk, grind one-another on the dance floor, and to come onto men—men who’ve barely put any thought into their costumes at all.
There is general agreement from all the girls. They’re coming around.
DATE (cont’d)
To me, you’re all equally slutty … even slutty cat, who does indeed do something for me, for reasons I can’t quite justify or comprehend. In fact, you’re all so slutty that I’m contemplating asking all of you to come home with me tonight, and I think you’d be totally into that. Plus, I’ll let you in on a little secret---
(flipping his eye patch up)
Beneath this half-assed pirate costume, I’m a bit of a slut too.
MUSIC ENDS. A beat.
DATE (cont'd)
Now let’s go back to my place, where I have several gallons of Mike’s Hard Lemonade!
All the women cheer. The four partygoers exit arm-in-arm.
Blackout
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Zombira's Second (and last) SMASH WEEK!
You have two more chances to see our sketch show, Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular, this Thursday the 26th and Friday the 27th. Hear my words (along with those of two other funny writers). See me act. Eat candy corn. Why not?
Zombira shares a laugh with her boyfriend.
Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular
October 26, & 27, at 8 pm
@ The Sage Theater
235 W. 48th St., Suite 26 B
Manhattan
Schoolgirls fight over who is the most studious.
Tickets are $10 at the door (2-for-1 with a student ID) or $7 via online advance purchase.
Zombira shares a laugh with her boyfriend.
Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular
October 26, & 27, at 8 pm
@ The Sage Theater
235 W. 48th St., Suite 26 B
Manhattan
Schoolgirls fight over who is the most studious.
Tickets are $10 at the door (2-for-1 with a student ID) or $7 via online advance purchase.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
New Sketch Show Coming in October
I don't have all the details to pass along to you kids yet, but keep an eye on this space. I've been working on a new Halloween-themed sketch show with some friends, and it's finally got a venue (the Sage Theater), some dates (October 19, 26, 27, and 29) and a name (Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular).
So if you like Halloween, comedy, Halloween-themed comedy, or comedy-themed Halloween, mark your calendars. More to come...
Creepy lips-sewn-together-baby would tell you to attend, except for... well, you know.
So if you like Halloween, comedy, Halloween-themed comedy, or comedy-themed Halloween, mark your calendars. More to come...
Creepy lips-sewn-together-baby would tell you to attend, except for... well, you know.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Summer Funtime Update
Just a reminder that The Summer Funtime Special is this Thursday the 18th at 10 PM. We've made a slight casting adjustment-- Rick Murphy will not be appearing in the show (lay off the sauce, Rick!*). Instead, we're pleased to announced the addition of Jeremiah Murphy to the cast. We figure, what the heck? One Murphy's as good as another. We're also pleased to announce that our director will be Mr. War of the Worlds himself, the Hoskins to my Caine, Eric Zuckerman. Feel free to applaud.The Summer Funtime Special
Starring: Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Stacy Mayer, Dan McCoy, and Jeremiah Murphy.
Written by: Matt Koff, Rob Bates, and Dan McCoy
Directed by: Erik Zuckerman
The Gene Frankel Theater Underground 24 Bond Street (AKA East 2nd St.)
It's on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, in the basement space.
$5 for the 10 PM show, or you can see the whole MC2 Thursday line up for $10 (includes a drink ticket). Making things bold is fun.
It's the only show you'll see this year whose title is an anagram of "Fiancee sperm multi sum." That has to count for something!
*This is, of course, a joke. Mr. Rick Murphy is a fine human being, who could not appear in the show for scheduling reasons, and not because of any substance abuse problems, although he's totally a falling-down lush, and you can tell him I said that.**
**Libel suit, here I come!
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Two New Shows in May
I will be taking part in a one-time-only sketch event on May 18, at 10 PM, titled, "The Summer Funtime Special," produced by The Manhattan Comedy Collective and Matt Koff. The blurb on the MC2 website has this to say:
"Barbecues, bikinis, beachballs, and blockbusters. Finally, a sketch show that celebrates what Time Magazine calls 'The World's Hottest Season.'
Starring Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Stacy Mayer, Dan McCoy, and Rick Murphy. With special guests and other surprises!"
The show will be written by Matt, Rob, and myself, and you can see it at:
The Gene Frankel Theater Underground
24 Bond Street (AKA East 2nd St.)
It's on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, in the basement space.
$5 for the 10 PM show, or you can see the whole MC2 Thursday line up for $10 (includes a drink ticket).
More news as events warrant.*
Also: good news for fans of my periodic contributions to Andres du Bouchet's always extremely funny Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game-- one of my bits will be included on the May 23rd show (only writing-- I won't be performing).
In case you've forgotten, Giant Tuesday Night is at:
Rififi/ Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street
between 1st and 2nd Avenues
The show is FREE (w/ a one drink minimum)
*Read, "when we figure out who the special guests are."
"Barbecues, bikinis, beachballs, and blockbusters. Finally, a sketch show that celebrates what Time Magazine calls 'The World's Hottest Season.'
Starring Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Stacy Mayer, Dan McCoy, and Rick Murphy. With special guests and other surprises!"
The show will be written by Matt, Rob, and myself, and you can see it at:
The Gene Frankel Theater Underground
24 Bond Street (AKA East 2nd St.)
It's on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, in the basement space.
$5 for the 10 PM show, or you can see the whole MC2 Thursday line up for $10 (includes a drink ticket).
More news as events warrant.*
Also: good news for fans of my periodic contributions to Andres du Bouchet's always extremely funny Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game-- one of my bits will be included on the May 23rd show (only writing-- I won't be performing).
In case you've forgotten, Giant Tuesday Night is at:
Rififi/ Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street
between 1st and 2nd Avenues
The show is FREE (w/ a one drink minimum)
*Read, "when we figure out who the special guests are."
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