Tuesday, August 15, 2006

In Which I Throw My Political Weight Around

As you know, the major news outlets have been dogging me for my endorsements regarding November's elections. Clearly, my political influence cannot be undervalued (forget Tippecanoe and Tyler too, I made William Henry Harrison). Still, I resisted being pushed into making a decision before I was ready-- wielding such credibility with the public and the political elite is truly an awesome responsibility.

Thus, it was only after much consideration that I am now ready to reveal who I will be backing in the following races. Associated Press take note!

First, the local match-ups:


George Pataki vs. A Small Pebble Wedged in My Shoe

PICK: Small Pebble Wedged in My Shoe - Sure, it's an annoyance, at least until I have an opportunity to bend down and remove it, but it seems to care more about New York City. Pebble, you've been backed!


Hon. Edward McCheese vs. Big Bird

PICK: Big Bird. Despite his previous mayoral experience, I doubt that a Kroftian, anthropomorphic cheeseburger has what it takes to manage the largest metropolitan area in the U.S. On the other hand, Big Bird is a lifelong NYC native (no carpetbagger here!) who has managed to keep the peace on Sesame Street, despite the impending human gentrification of his historically Muppet neighborhood.

District Alderman:

Caldecott Alder Mann vs. James K. Badchoiceforalderman

PICK: Alder Mann - Not sure why; I just have a gut feeling on this one. Also, what kind of crazy long surname is his challenger sporting? Just try and fit that on a ballot!

Next up, the Senate:


Bud Light vs. Bud Dry

PICK: Bud Light - After the political fiasco that was Bud Bowl XVIII, I thought the incumbent's hopes were dashed forever, but this appears to be the rivalry that won't quit. I'm throwing my support behind B. Light, because its fewer calories mean less alcoholic content, and who wants a drunk in charge of school lunches?

New Jersey:

A Horsefly vs. Inflatable Water Wings

PICK: Water Wings. I've been stung by Horseflies before!*

*this joke courtesy of Victoria Tucker, age 8, Gary, IN.

Rhode Island:

OK! Soda vs. Two Aggies and a Steelie

PICK: Two Aggies and a Steelie - I'm not sure what makes a little-known, hipster-marketing-driven orange-cola from the '90s think its profile is high enough to win such a high elected office, but I do know that it's nowhere near as valuable as a good steelie, especially if you're playing for keepsies.


Five Years of Unrelenting Physical and Psychological Torture vs. Sixty Pages of Fully Nude Photos of Scarlett Johansson in Various Positions, or, if You Are a Woman or Gay Man, Hugh Jackman

PICK: Nude Photos - Some races are so overmatched, one wonders why they bother. I mean, Nude Photos is the incumbent, and Unrelenting Physical and Psychological Torture is running as a Green. Hello!?


North Dakota vs. South Dakota

PICK: South Dakota - I'm not sure how other states are able to run in Congressional races for a third state, but when you're picking between these two, always pick the warmer one, that's my motto!

Well, anyway, those are my picks, and I think they're pretty...


What's that you say?

You say that the document I was using as a reference to make my choices wasn't a list of political candidates at all, but simply a list of entirely random words and phrases created by a random word and phrase generator that you invented for some reason?

Well, in that case, why were they grouped in twos with the abbreviation "vs." between each one of them?

You're trying to tell me that "vs." just happened to be randomly generated multiple times? That seems highly unlikely-- out of the millions of words in the English language, for "vs." to appear eight times seems disproportionate to the point of near-impossibility...

Well, yes, I suppose that if you invented a random word and phrase generator, you are more of an expert in probability than I am. I'm sorry to have doubted you. It's just irritating to have made all these crazy endorsement choices.

Oh well, can't change them now. Too weak. Too flip-floppy. Stay the course, etc. America, you have your work cut out for you:

(1.) Get these fictional characters/ inanimate objects on the ballot in your state or district.

(2.) Elect the appropriate one.

(3.) Recieve my heartfelt thanks.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have thousands of signatures to forge.

1 comment:

Abby Scott said...

Killed me.