Some rejected news jokes:
The number one movie at the box office this weekend was Jackass 2, which made 28 million dollars, or four million dollars per scrotal stapling.
A new study shows that breast implants have been linked to a significantly higher suicide rate among women, especially those who kill themselves via wet t-shirt electrocutions.
President Bush on Tuesday angrily criticized the leak of the report on the war in Iraq saying, "Somebody has taken it upon themselves to leak classified information for political purposes." The C.I.A. has promised to have one of their agents look into it, just as soon as they get a hold of Valerie Plame.
In an interview on Fox News Sunday, Bill Clinton accused host Chris Wallace of a "conservative hit job" for questioning Clinton's efforts to get Osama Bin Laden -- although the fact that Bin Ladin is still alive suggests that conservatives are incapable of a hit job.
Officials said Monday that the government is partially lifting its ban against carrying liquids and gels onto airliners, and will allow passengers to take on liquids purchased in secure areas of airports. So hello duty-free Wild Turkey and KY Jelly!
It was reported that Kevin Federline has removed from his upcoming debut CD the song "PopoZao," which is about women's rear-ends, and replaced it with "Crazy," which is a duet with Britney Spears, about women who marry rear-ends.
The Pentagon said Thursday that 3,800 US soldiers will be staying in Iraq about six weeks beyond their one-year combat tours, which explains the military’s new slogan, “The Army: Allow 6 to 8 Weeks for Delivery.”
Ricky Martin on Tuesday testified before Congress as part of his campaign for better laws and more money to combat global trafficking in children, a horror that Mr. Martin experienced firsthand in the mid-eighties, when he was held captive by the Menudo cartel.
An Italian musician who could not board his flight because of overbooking was so enraged that he assaulted a Turin airport worker, saying, “Where’s your shroud messiah now? Nyahhh!”