The Flop House on TruTv.com

Hey, check it out -- we got interviewed over at the TruTv.com blog (you may remember it back when it was called Court TV) about The Flop House, the bad movie podcast that's taking the world by storm. Or, at least, the basic cable website parts of the world.

So THIS is What Internet Success Feels Like

A belated thanks to Gawker (and to writer Nick Douglas in particular) for the delightful surprise of their linking to our (mainly Elliott's) Flop House Ziggy movie pitch.

Speaking of Gawker, did I ever tell you that I once wrote something for Gawker? I did? Well, could you pretend to be impressed? It's only polite.

A Halloween Miracle

Well, not quite a miracle, but a delightful story nonetheless.

So, I was coming home from a delightful Halloween party at my friends' place* in Morningside Heights, dressed in my painstakingly accurate Shaun-from-Shaun of the Dead costume. Looking to snag a cab, I raised my cricket bat in cab-hailing formation. My wife, seeing a police car down the street, scolded me to put my bat down, apparently afraid that the fuzz would mistake us for a roving gang of cricket hooligans.

Sure enough, at the nearest light, the police car stopped, rolled down the window, and the cop in the passenger seat yelled...

"Hey! Why don't you try throwing records at the taxis!?"

Now, like most folks under the age of, say, 35, I have ambivalent feelings about the police. Living in NYC (and in not the world's nicest neighborhood) I'm always happy to see them around. Still, I have the usual fear of people with lots and lots of authority and guns.

However, this police officer not only identified my costume from 30 feet away, thought of a funny and appropriate-to-Shaun of the Dead remark, and yelled it to me. In that moment, to me, he was truly New York's finest.

Bravo, cop. Bravo.

*One of said friends being inimitable children's literature blogger Betsy "Fuse #8," who gave The Flop House a beautiful shout-out over at her School Library Journal site. Thanks to her for that, although god knows what her audience will make of the podcast. Thankfully she makes clear just how profane we tend to get.

New Show ALERT: The Summer Funtime Special

I'll be co-starring in a sketch show next weekend (co-written by me). So come out and see the show, or regret missing it. Or don't regret missing it. That's the other option open to you: complete disinterest and lack of regret. It's a popular choice, as I understand.

What's the show?

"The Summer Funtime Special"

Barbecues, bikinis, beachballs, and blockbusters. Finally, a sketch show that celebrates what Time Magazine calls "The World's Hottest Season." An earlier version of this show was reviewed as having "sharp writing and performing" -- Jester Journal. Yes, some random guy with a website liked it. A ROUSING ENDORSEMENT! When have they ever been wrong?

Basically it's a collection of seasonal sketches, some old (don't worry, you haven't seen them), some new, in the vein of Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular. If you liked that, chances are you'll like this too.

The at-the-door price is $15, but that gets you into all three of the evening's shows (the other two being "Sealegs McGoo," a one-man character piece, and "Plan B," another sketch group, so the ticket price covers the whole night). However, you can get a small discount by buying tix online. It's $12, with no additional service fee (the website is sort of confusing because the site says "w/service fee," but they mean to say it's included).

The key information is below:

Thursday - Sunday at 8:00pm
July 26, 27, 28 & 29
at the Sage Theater
711 7th Avenue, Times Square

Starring Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Dan McCoy, and Stacy Mayer
Written by Rob Bates, Matt Koff and Dan McCoy
Directed by Jeremy Westphal
Artistic Director: Stacy Mayer
Stage Manager: Karie Hunt
Part of MC2's The Big Bang















Disclaimer: this show is not affiliated with the Girl Scouts, although balding lothario Rob Bates wants readers to know that he's done a little girl scouting in his time, if you know what he means.

Of Death, Breasts, and Court TV

So, speaking of bad movies, I host a semi-regular bad movie night for friends. Last year, on Kentucky Derby day (don't look for a reason for the scheduling, because there is none), I screened Hard Ticket to Hawaii, which turned out to be a great favorite of the regular attendees.

Flash forward to this week, when I learned some tragic news. Here's an excerpt from the email I sent to friends:

"I'm sad to inform you all that Andy Sidaris, auteur behind past movie night favorite Hard Ticket to Hawaii, died yesterday at the age of 76. One can only hope that he passed away peacefully, surrounded by busty former Playboy models (brandishing bazookas), and perhaps a giant rubber snake."

Anyway, the news inspired my friend Ritch Duncan, former editor of Jest Magazine and current funny stand-up, to write this piece for the Court TV blog.*

R.I.P. Andy Sidaris. May flights of nipples sing thee to thy rest.



















*Raising the obvious question, "Court TV has a blog?"

I Respond to a Blog Challenge

So, for the very first time, I have been issued a blog challenge. The lovely Fuse#8, Newbery Medal panelist and children's librarian extraordinare, has tasked me to re-write this (go read) and make it funny.

Oy. I try and limit my bad-mouthing of people to no more than 126 times a month, and Paul Rudnick and I have tangled before (well, insomuch as me attacking him via a one-sided blog post, while he's busy taking a limousine to his second limousine which takes him to his limousine-encrusted mansion, all the while being unaware of my existence counts as "tussling"). However, this seems to me to be a particularly egregious Shouts and Murmurs for two reasons.

1.) It's of that S&M family wherein a writer stumbles upon some soft news item in the back of Newsweek, takes 10 seconds to get the gist of it, then writes 500 completely un-trenchant words on the subject, while giving the impression that we should be grateful that he deigns to focus his Olympian wit on this wrongheaded nook of modern life. Oh the foibles! THE FOIBLES!

2.) He's making the same smutty joke over and over. (a) Find children's book (b) insert dirty word (c) repeat. In effect, he's simply playing the old porn movie title game-- hey everyone! Saving Private Ryan is now Saving Ryan's Privates! Ha Ha! Rudnick is dabbling in the job that hardworking porn screenwriters do everyday, without mainstream respectability or New Yorker cachet. They're the true heroes.

Anyway, considering that this is clearly a one-joke premise, the best strategy is to get in and get out. No point in using 500 words, when brevity is the s of w. With that in mind, I've re-written the piece, focusing only on the titles. Sure that turns my version into a simple list, and lists are the lowest form of comedy writing (although I've certainly done my share). But at least it doesn't belabor things.

Is it funnier? I don't know. I honestly didn't want to spend more than 10 minutes on it. But it's better than Marci X.


* * *

The Barenstein Bares Go to Nudist Camp

The Little Snatch Girl

This One's Pretty Much Porn for Teens, by Judy Blume

Dear Mr. Henshaw 2: Mom Said I Shouldn't Write to Adults on MySpace, but...

Johnny Tremendouscrotum

The Monster at the End of My Pants

Blueballs for Sal

Amelia Bedelia Misunderstands What it Means to "Butter the Muffin"

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

* * *


Okay. I feel dirty now. I promise not to work blue for a year.

A Trivial Diversion

Things have been a little intermittent and variable around here lately. Some of this is because I've been doing some freelance writing for blufr.com.


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...which, by the way, was created by my old Robotski cohort, Jacob. So that's been taking up some of my extra time. Still, I'll keep talking to you all when I can grab a minute.

By the way, thanks to The Apiary for including the latest episode of Captains in Space in this week's New Video Wednesday.

Of Stabbings and Vicious Lies

As you may have heard, my guest spot at Video Gaga on Wednesday ended with my brutal stabbing at the hands of one John Kingman, so-called "co-producer" of Gaga, and a former friend.

I'd like to thank all of you for the cards and letters at this time of crisis, and assure you that I am recovering well, and that the doctors beleive I will retain the use of nearly 20% of my stomach (although spicy buffalo wings are now out! Ouch!).

At any rate, Mr. Kingman has posted a self-justifying "explaination" for his senseless attack, on his blog. (What kind of prison allows inmates blogging privileges, anyway?) I encourage you to read it only to gain insight into a sick mind.

Also, I believe his photos to be doctored. I have never met either Margaret Thatcher or Ann Coulter, and I will not stand for such character assasination. The women in the photo with me were originally Lizzie Borden and Countess Elizabeth Bathory.

Primetime Kalan, This Saturday! Plus, Unrelated Miscellany!

Elliott just can't stop shilling for The Primetime Kalan, and I just can't stop posting his shills!

--

Hello, Kalan fans!

So apparently, this saturday is Rosh Hashanah, and apparently by scheduling my next episode of the ever-entertaning PRIMETIME KALAN on that day I've incurred the wrath of the UJA and the League of Orthodox Rabbis. But what better way is there to ring in the Jewish new year than a hilarious night of Kalan-related antics?

Exactly. And with stand-up comedy megasuperultrastar Demetri Martin and sexpert Catherine Wing in tow, it's the talk show equivalent of having your name written in the Book of Life!

Also, I think God's coming, so He probably won't get mad if you show up, too.

THE PRIMETIME KALAN
Saturday, Sept. 23rd, 8:30pm

Jimmy's No. 43

43 East 7th Street (between 3rd and 2nd Ave.)

Manhattan

Tix: $5

--

Also, thanks to Fuse#8 and Oz and Ends for picking up my Wizard of Oz DVD Digest piece. Sorry that I misidentified L. Frank Baum as Frank L. Baum. If I'm gonna have children's literature people reading my site, I'm going to have to step up my research. Meanwhile, all you children's lit writers can help me out by not having a first name for your middle name. Thanks.

The First Captains in Space Fan Art

Wow-- some enterprising Livejournal user has created a series of icons immortalizing some Captains in Space quotes. Check them out here (scroll down; they start at #61). Even better, numbers 62, 64, and 65 are from the episode I wrote.

Also, if you're wondering where Captains in Space has been, the answer is that, like many shows, we've been in reruns over the summer. However, Captain Fed is working on editing the first episode of Season Two as we speak (well, not as we speak. Right now he's sitting in his office at work. But you know what I mean).

The next episode will be the most technically complex one yet, and aside from being written by me, it also features me in a guest-starring role. Why am I so self-centered? I dunno, but if it bothers you, you're probably on the wrong website.

Me, me, me!

An Orgy of Self-Reflexive Posting

The folks over at the comic book blog Kung Fu Rodeo posted our Primetime Kalan Superman videos, one per day, over this past weekend. Thanks, comics fans, for overlooking our lousy production values in order to enjoy a few spandex-clad laughs.

Also, The Apiary picked up my hate piece about Shouts and Murmurs. Unlike everyone else on the Internet, I usually try not to badmouth anyone, but I made an (apparently newsworthy) exception. My only fear is that Libby Gelman-Waxler will put a hit out on me. Sorry, Mr. Rudnick. You did write one thing I sort of enjoyed, once.

Reviewed

This website reviewed the show I was in on Wednesday. You can read the whole thing*, but I'll skip you to the pertinent paragraph:

"Spot on, also, were Eric Zuckerman as Bob Hoskins and Dan McCoy as Michael Caine, performing patter in character to wrap around all the sketches from beginning to end. McCoy didn’t try to look much like him, but had Caine’s voice perfectly."

True enough, although to make me look like Caine, I'd have to wear a curly blond wig, which would probably just confuse audience members who would wonder why Harpo Marx** was talking like the old guy from Batman Begins.

Anyway, thanks to the reviewer for the kind words-- with this endorsement I can finally enter the lucrative field of voice-only celebrity impersonation. For only $10, I will call any friend or family member you choose, pretending to be the star of Irwin Allen's The Swarm. What a deal!

*A note, if you do read the rest of the review-- the show was actually called "A Very British Fourth of July" and "The Summer Funtime Special" was actually the name of one of the groups that performed. I think this got a little (understandably) muddled.

**Yes, I know that Harpo's wig was originally light pink, and later red, but it tended to read as blond onscreen. Thus, I made this joke, because it's doubtful that anyone reading is as big a Marx Brothers nerd as me. Then again, this is the Internet.

Endorsed!

I know that you're all out there thinking "Jiminy Christmas, it's a hot summer! I could sure go for a tall, cool Captains in Space right about now!"

Well, aside from being alarmed at your out-of-date slang terms (what are you, a 1930's newspaper boy?) I certainly appreciate your interest. Sadly, it's been a busy few weeks in the spacious and gleaming Captains in Space offices, located on the top floor of Manhattan's historic Chrysler Building. So it may be just a little while longer before episode four (complete with ROBO-DAN) hits the streets.

In the meanwhile, what better to slake your thirst for all things Captains than an endorsement? Emmy-winning former "Lost" scribe, and current "Medium" co-executive producer Javier Grillo-Marxuach has posted a kind little appreciation of our series over at his blog (there's no permalink, but check out the June 19 entry). Plus, a well-placed source has indicated to me that he was a particular fan of my last episode, Future Shock.

Thank you Javier for your nice words and your generous linkage. Kids, why can't the rest of you be more like Javi? Now tuck in your shirts.

Gentle Reminder: Video Gaga TONIGHT!

Remember, tonight I will be appearing in a featured role in one of the videos in Sara Schaefer's Video Gaga.

VIDEO GAGA
Wednesday June 14, 9:30 p.m.
Tickets $5 (reserve at www.ucbtheatre.com)
Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre
307 W. 26th Street, btw 8th & 9th

Also, while you're clicking on things, go over and check out Andres du Bouchet's inspiringly re-designed site, and be impressed at what a website can look like when it's just a blogger template. Special thanks to Andres for linking to me and to Captains in Space.

Also, in non-comedy news, I saw a free concert featuring the Eels (w/ Smoosh) last night, and they were awesome. Aside from the lack of charge, the best thing about the concert was that there was no dicking around-- they started on time, Smoosh played for 20 minutes, there was a 10-15 minute changeover, then the Eels played for an hour and a half. That's the way to do it. Highlights included their "Security Guard" who played maracas, guitar, and organ on a few numbers, in addition to performing elaborate kung fu moves and making cryptic interstitial pronouncements. And they closed with an improbably rockin' cover of Frank Sinatra's "That's Life."

Okay, this turned into a regular "recording the mundane details of my life" blog for a moment there, and I apologize-- but really, if you have a chance to see The Eels, know that they put on an amazing show.

UPDATE:
Tonight's Video Gaga is a Gothamist pick. What more do you want?

Thanks

In an orgy of self-reflexive posting, I'd just like to thank The Apiary for kindly taking notice of our little Internet show. We appreciate the support, and I hope people keep an eye out for the new episodes as they come out...

Captains in Space Update and a Deranged Andy Rooneyesque Harangue

The Captains in Space website has been updated with a little more production information, and a great still of the cast (by the way, our thanks to The Apiary for making note of us last week). Check it out. The shoot was fun, despite the record-breaking snowfall, and Fed's already put together a nearly complete title sequence that looks mighty impressive, despite our budget of a dime, a thumbtack, and three dried pinto beans. This weekend I'll be recording some voice-over, announcer-y stuff, so you can look forward to my melifluous voice when the first episode hits in early March. It's all coming together, people. Start printing up those bootleg t-shirts.

Also, as it's Friday, may I remind NYC readers to pick up a copy of Metro for my friend Elliot Kalan's weekly column. It will brighten your otherwise miserable commute-- perhaps the only laughs you'll have on the subway that aren't nervous ones, as you try to avoid eye contact with the greasy guy fumbling around in his pants. I've also discovered that you can read it online here. So many ways to waste time at work...

But please, if you're reading the paper version, don't let your eyes drift down and to the right, or you might accidentally read The Metro Cartoon: It's All About You, (what a godawful, ungainly title). Is The Metro Cartoon: It's All About You the least funny comic strip in the world? (Comic strip. Comic strip, people! Multi-panel comics are strips. Cartoons are single panel, or they star Bugs Bunny. And, yeah, I realize this is a geeky thing to get annoyed about.) The answer is: not quite. But that's only because B.C.'s Johnny Hart became a born-again Christian.

Speaking of which: I'm sure thousands of people have made this observation before, but how is it that all these cavemen are Christians? It's right there in the title! B.C. Before Christ! It's like a comic about a bunch of Elizabethans standing around discussing how much they love George Washington...unless this is some sort of sci/ fi, alternate universe, where there was a Caveman Christ.

Caveman Christ. Now there's a comic I could get behind. Get on it, Metro!

Obsessed... NO MORE!

As The Apiary reported recently Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You is soon to be no more. This Friday, November the 11th, at 8 PM, the final SSIOWY will kick off, and when it's done, that's it. After two critically acclaimed years (1/4 of which featured me) the show is done.

Why? Because all good things must eventually die, little cricket. But that doesn't make them any less sweet. Ah sweet comedy show, we hardly knew ye. Perhaps your death will fertilize the ground for many comedy shows to come.

Plus, now that Sara's married, she just can't be as obsessed with you anymore. Sorry, that's just the way things go. She's so over you. Why can't you move on?

Still, that doesn't mean that you and she can't have one last fling, for old times' sake. Snag a ticket if you can. And if they're sold out, fear not. The waiting list for SSIOWY usually gets a few extra people in the door, so if you're interested, show up at eight and slap your name on that puppy.

Juvie Hall Sketch Comedy Theatre
24 Bond Street, btw Bowery & Lafayette
Tickets $8, through Smarttix 212-868-4444, www.smarttix.com, or at the door

Meanwhile, does anyone want to give me a job? Comedy or otherwise?

Jest.com is Officially Up

Although again, this isn't so much news since The Apiary mentioned our soft launch over two weeks ago (damn you, The Apiary, and your tireless Internet comedy journalism!), the new Jest.com is officially up and running. Our soft launch has gotten hard, if you will.

I didn't want to mention it here before it was time, but our esteemed editor Frank Santopadre just removed our gag order. So here it is! Now those pining for the late, lamented Jest Magazine can get much the same thing in a much less respected format. (Suggested slogan: "It's On the Internet. You Know, Where Anyone Can Get Published!") On the other hand, now you can finally read it at work, without having to hide it inside a bulky three-ring binder, plus my friends from all across the country can see it for the first time.

I have a few pieces up there already. Check out my "Highlights From the 1st Annual Soft-Core Porn Awards." Or look at the first installment of what will theoretically be a weekly column, "Can't Miss Movie Pitches." ('Theoretically' in the sense that it will likely continue until I, or you, get tired of it.)

Plus my status has been bumped up from "regular contributor" to the much more exciting "regular contributor with a silly picture on the website." I still get paid the same per-piece rate, though. So start buying Jest merchandise, so we can shamelessly dilute the integrity of the product and begin getting rich off this thing.

In conclusion, Jest.com is one of the few places that pays me to write. Granted, they don't pay much, but their intentions are good. Please: support me by supporting them. If you continue to support such endeavors, then perhaps together we can eventually create a better world, where I don't have a shitty day job.

Congratulations, Amanda!

I was keeping this under my hat for a while, until I was completely sure it was okay to say something, but since The Apiary has reported on it, I suppose there's no reason not to go ahead and post this:

Huge congratulations are in order for Amanda Melson, my friend and fellow Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You writer, who recently landed an honest-to-goodness job writing comedy for television. She's working on Greg Giraldo's Friday night evening of stand-up, on Comedy Central, which you can see starting this Friday at 8:30 PM. Just last week she got to live out the comedian's dream of dropping her day job for a dream job, and they've already put her to work spinning comedy gold.

Instead of the bitter gnashing of teeth that traditionally comes with a peer's success, I feel only great joy regarding Amanda's new position. Why? (You may well ask.) Because Amanda's the bees knees, foolish blog-reader! She's funny and quick with a brilliant comedic suggestion, but never precious about her own stuff, and she's one of the kindest people I know. She's paid her dues, people! She deserves every success. I simply cannot say enough good things.

So congratulations, Amanda. We're proud of you.

(And everyone who's not Amanda-- come on down to SSIOWY this Saturday at 8 to see Amanda in action, before she becomes too big to ever talk to us again.)

We Are the Darlings of the Niche Blog World

The copier carnage got covered by The Apiary. Read all the gory details in their article:

Amidst Peals of Delight from Bloodthirsty Audience, Sara Schaefer Totally Fucks Up Copy Machine; Related: Sara Schaefer Presumed Dead