Thursday, August 24, 2006

In Which I Dish About the Returning Television Programs

With the new fall TV season just starting, everyone's been after me for the exclusive scoop about what lies in store for them on their favorite shows. Well, I can't deny you, America! But be forewarned: spoilers lie ahead!

House MD - I have it on very good authority that there will be an episode where Dr. House gets in trouble for his unconventional methods. Also, look for the actors playing House's team, Omar Epps, Jesse Spencer, and Jennifer Morrison, to really step up and explore their roles as "Black Guy," "Australian Guy," and "Guy Who's Actually a Girl."

24 - A highly placed source has leaked me a snippet of dialogue from an upcoming episode. His only request was that I ex out a few of the words, so as to preserve the suspense. Here we go, kiddies!

(out of breath)
Chloe, I need those XXXXXXX's routed to my XXXXXX NOW!

I'm on it, Jack.


I can hardly wait!

Prison Break – Spies on set tell me that this season Wentworth Miller will frequently glower soulfully.

It’s like he can see right through me! Oh Wentworth! Can't … look… away.

My Name is Earl - This season we finally get the banned "Moustache Rides" episode.

Lost - The producers promise me that the season will start with a mind-blowing revelation that will turn everything you know about the island, the survivors, and the Others completely on its head. Then, in the middle of the season, there will be another mind-blowing revelation that turns everything you know approximately ninety degrees! Then, the season ends with a third mind-blowing revelation, turning things ninety degrees again, making a full circle and returning everything to its pre-season stasis.

In between those mind-fucks, re-runs will abound; Jack will become increasingly unlikable; and Kate will remain extremely pretty, but narratively unnecessary.

Gilmore Girls – Just a sample from the astonishing season premiere:

LORELAI She's my daughter.

[Luke slaps Lorelai]

I said I want the truth!

She's my sister...
She's my daughter...
My sister, my daughter.

[More slaps]

I said I want the truth!

She's my sister AND my daughter!

The Office – Pam marries Roy, Jim moves away, Michael is fired, Dwight is promoted to manager, the entire office is miserable, it’s just like where you work, days pass into months, months into years, you never write that novel, we all die alone, and no Virginia there isn’t any Santa Claus. In hi-def, where available.

Grey's Anatomy - It will be revealed that Dr. Meredith Grey's Zellwegerian squint is due to her being developmentally disabled, which explains why she runs around screwing up other people's lives, and why her voice-over narration bears no resemblance to actual lessons one might learn from experiencing the events on her show.

Veronica Mars – In a shocking twist, the fact that Veronica Mars is now on the CW with Gilmore Girls will result in countless crossovers… in the form of sexually explicit Internet fan fiction.

I hope that these tidbits will keep you salivating until your favorite show premieres! I know that I plan to lock the door, order in take-out, create a cocoon from blankets and my own hair clippings, and stay glued to the tube ‘til spring!

Happy watching!

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