GTN Bit from 4/25/2006

Hey. In the tradition of Andres' blog, I thought I'd post the script of my contribution to last night's Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game. Those of you who couldn't make it missed a very funny Mark Douglas in full body suit as Mr. Serkis. Those of you who were there last night can enjoy seeing the original, longer script (including a never-before-seen second beat!) as it was before it was trimmed down to fit into the already comedy-stuffed show. Just think of it as the world's most low tech behind-the-scenes DVD extra.

As always, thanks to Andres and the gang for letting me contribute, and for making my writing 25% funnier by acting the hell out of it.

"The Andy Serkis Bit" by Dan McCoy

FRANCISCO
And now, ladies and gentleman, some jokes. What did the fat man say after winning the top trophy at the pie-eating contest? "To compete is its own reward." You see? Because, being very fat, he loves the flaky crust and the delicious...

During the above ANDY SERKIS has crept onstage, and begun mimicking Francisco's movements.

FRANCISCO
(noticing)
Um, excuse me, but I'm mid-joke. Could you please clear the stage?

SERKIS
Yeah, it's great, great. Just do that arm motion again, the one where you were demonstrating the precise fatness of the man...

FRANCISCO
I do not take requests-- besides, a comedian doing the same joke twice for one audience would be akin to a magician, explaining why his doves do not burn, beneath the old-fashioned serving platter doused in kerosene.

Serkis continues to mimic Francisco, pausing occasionally to take notes.

SERKIS
Brilliant, brilliant. Terrific stuff.

Francisco moves towards him, as if to physically remove him from the stage.

FRANCISCO
Would you get...
(recognizing)
Are you Andy Serkis?

SERKIS
That's me.

FRANCISCO
Gollum?

SERKIS
Yes.

FRANCISCO
King Kong?

SERKIS
Right.

FRANCISCO
The effete magazine editor from the Jennifer Garner vehicle 13 Going on 30?

SERKIS
(sighs)
Yes.

FRANCISCO
Wow! Look, audience, a celebrity has dropped by. Or as close to a celebrity as you can be, when your most significant work has been obscured by computer pixels. What brings you to the show?

SERKIS
Well, actually, Peter Jackson is interested in doing a Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game movie.

FRANCISCO
Get out!

SERKIS
No, it's true-- he's already got Fran Walsh and Phillipa Boyens working on abridging the show's title, while remaining true to its sprit-- don't let that get on the Internet, or the fans will go mental.

FRANCISCO
The nerds are protective of the purity of the text.

SERKIS
Anyway, your story really resonated with Pete-- the idea of a man coming from a small, backward country, and rocketing to success...

FRANCISCO
I don't know... rocketing...

SERKIS
And that's where you come in.

FRANCISCO
Peter Jackson wants me to star in a movie about my life?

SERKIS
Oh, no no no. Pete wants me to learn how to mimic your physicality, so that he can re-create you digitally, using CGI.

FRANCISCO
But... why not just use me?

SERKIS
Well, we really want "Francisco" to look photo-realistic.

FRANCISCO
I am photo realistic. I can show you! I have photos of myself in my wallet! A surprising number of them!

SERKIS
It's just not the direction we want to go.

FRANCISCO
But I'm not just a comedian-slash-master of ceremonies. I'm an actor. I played the Mother Superior in the Boliviguayan National Theater's production of More Nunsense: The Nunsensiest!

SERKIS
I'm sure you're the best Francisco Guglioni you can be, but there's a certain truth about Francisco that only I, with my particular talents, can capture. There's really no negotiation on this point. So, if you want the movie to go forward, you're going to have to let me do my work.

FRANCISCO
Fine. Just... try not to get in the way.

SERKIS
Cheers.

Throughout the following, Serkis is behind and just to the side of Francisco, mimicking his every move, slowly becoming more and more distracting.

FRANCISCO
Anyway, what was I... oh, yes, yes, jokes-- How many raccoons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Raccoons are largely nocturnal. Why did the blonde scientist throw her clock out the window? To test Einstein's theory of space-time... It was the window of a spaceship, traveling near a black hole. Very dangerous experiment. Unfortunately the results were inconclusive, since they were unable to retrieve the clock.

Serkis is right behind Francisco now, really getting into his personal space, causing Francisco to get more and more flustered.

FRANCISCO (cont'd)
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the street corner? An honored veteran. Please, give generously. Two dollars means a snack to you, but it means a big deal to...
(losing patience, to Serkis)
Would you get off me?!

SERKIS
What? What's wrong?

FRANCISCO
I don't care about the movie, it's not worth this. Could we get some cast members out here to escort Mr. Serkis out of the theater.

Whatever cast members are free congregate on the floor, next to stage left.

SERKIS
Good luck getting them to turn against me, Francisco! I've been living amongst them for weeks, learning their ways, gaining their trust.

CAST MEMBER
He bought us beer.

SERKIS
I'm one of them, now-- one of the tribe.

FRANCISCO
Clearly you actually know nothing of New York comedians, or you would know that they'll put up with anyone, as long as that person is buying.

CAST MEMBERS
(general agreement, "it's true," etc.)

SERKIS
(pointing to Mike Birch)
But that big silver-backed one tried to mate with me.

Everyone looks at Birch.

BIRCH
He bought us beer.

General acceptance from the cast, etc. Movement towards the stage.

CAST MEMBER
Sorry, Andy. If Francisco says you have to go, you have to go.

They escort Serkis off.

SERKIS
You'll regret this, Francisco! I'll be back to beat you up, as soon as I'm done researching the physicality of someone who could beat you up!

FRANCISCO
Get him out of here!

-Beat Two-

FRANCISCO
And now, ladies and gentlemen some more jokes. How do you punish Helen Keller? When you think about it, wasn't her life punishment enough?
(raising his hand)
Who here saw "The Miracle Worker?"

SERKIS
(in audience)
Oh, how droll. A traditional set-up, followed by a completely straight punchline. Farewell Demitri Martin, for you sir are the new king of deadpan comedy.

FRANCISCO
All right. Settle down, suspiciously loud and articulate audience member. What's another one... let's see... What has four legs and flies? A Griffin. It also has the body of a lion and the head of an eagle. You should brush up on your crypto-zoology.

SERKIS
Oh! And now he throws in an obscure and archaic term to congratulate the audience! Ha ha ha! I reward him with my laughter.

FRANCISCO
Okay, what is going on-- sir could you stand up?
(recognizing)
Is that... is it Andy Serkis?!

SERKIS
Yes, it is I. I'm surprised you could recognize me, so complete was my mimicry.

FRANCISCO
What are you doing back here?

SERKIS
Having my revenge! I thought to myself, "I could best Francisco physically, but what would hurt him more? My punches or my wits?"

FRANCISCO
As an Englishman, I'm betting it wasn't your punches.

SERKIS
Touche! So I decided to fight you by using my unique talents to mimic that which you fear most. A downtown comedy snob.

FRANCISCO
Oh no!

SERKIS
I based my performance around that man--
(points to audience member)
Only handsomer. And as a downtown comedy snob, I'm here to tell you that I saw David Cross in this bar mere weeks ago, and you're not fit to share a stage with him. Now bring me a PBR in a can!

FRANCISCO
Do not bring that man any ironically unfashionable drinks!

SERKIS
Everything you do, Andy Kaufman did thirty years ago, and better!

FRANCISCO
(reacting, as if stabbed)
Ouch. Your barbed words hurt me inside.

SERKIS
The only way you can defeat me, is to show me something that I've never seen before, cutting through layers upon layers of cultivated, jaded detachment.

FRANCISCO
Cast! Come here, I need you!

(available cast members huddle around Francisco-- much whispering and discussion)

SERKIS
Give it up, Francisco, it can't be done.

(the cast breaks huddle, and stands at attention)

FRANCISCO
(clears his throat)

(one of the cast members knees the other in the groin. over the speakers there is a fart noise. a beat. then Serkis breaks out laughing, uncontrollably.)

SERKIS
(while laughing)
Damn you and your comedy genius, Francisco!

FRANCISCO
Now get out of my sight!

SERKIS
(still laughing, to audience as he leaves)
King Kong is out on DVD!

FRANCISCO
No plugs, just go!