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Showing posts with label Summer Funtime Special. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Summer Funtime Special. Show all posts
Sunday, July 27, 2008
On Vacation
The movie minute is taking a summer vacation this week, but we don't want to leave you empty-handed, so enjoy this audio sketch.
Paste theflophouse.libsyn.com/rss into iTunes (or your favorite podcatching software) to have new episodes of The Flop House delivered to you directly, as they're released.
Paste theflophouse.libsyn.com/rss into iTunes (or your favorite podcatching software) to have new episodes of The Flop House delivered to you directly, as they're released.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Summer Funtime Special TONIGHT
In honor of tonight's premiere of The Summer Funtime Special (a fun summertime sketch comedy show celebrating fun summertime fun), we ask the question:
Is the Summer Funtime Special more fun than a random assortment of images called up when doing a Google image search for "summer fun?"
Just saying Fun in the Sun! doesn't make it so, Fun in the Sun. Plus, what are all those speckles around you? Look like pockmarks to me. I think what you need is to spend a little time out of the sun, maybe in a nice baking soda bath. That ought to stop the itching.
Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.
You know what makes this paper plate Summer-themed? No, it's not the sun, or the beach accouterments, or the palm tree. It's that this disposable paper plate personally contributes to the imminent ENDLESS SUMMER of global warming, what with the deforestation and the petrochemicals and whatnot. BOOOooooo! Boo, Summer-Themed Paper Plate!
Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.
Sure, I enjoy reading books as much as the next librarian's son. But a tree that yields book fruit? Truly these are some dark majicks indeed. Plus, look at the poor indentured laborer picking the books-- he's halfway off that ladder! Were you aware that book-picking accidents were responsible for 172 deaths in the last second alone? And the tragedy of it all is he's probably picking some shit by Nicholas Sparks.
Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.
Sure, the sun relaxing in an innertube, with giant John Lennon shades and a cool drink seems fun, until you realize that the resulting steam explosion will soon dwarf the one in New York City by a factor of several billion.
Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.
AUGHHHHHHHH! GIANT STYLIZED JAPANESE SQUID!!!
Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.
Nothing is more fun than Froggy Going Fishing.
Advantage: Froggy Going Fishing.
Still, in 5 out of 6 instances, the Summer Funtime Special is more fun than random images culled from a Google image search for "Summer Fun." Better play it safe and come to the Summer Funtime Special.
Thursday - Sunday at 8:00pm
July 26, 27, 28 & 29
at the Sage Theater
711 7th Avenue, Times Square
Starring Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Dan McCoy, and Stacy Mayer
Written by Rob Bates, Matt Koff and Dan McCoy
Directed by Jeremy Westphal
Artistic Director: Stacy Mayer
Stage Manager: Karie Hunt
Part of MC2's The Big Bang
Is the Summer Funtime Special more fun than a random assortment of images called up when doing a Google image search for "summer fun?"
Just saying Fun in the Sun! doesn't make it so, Fun in the Sun. Plus, what are all those speckles around you? Look like pockmarks to me. I think what you need is to spend a little time out of the sun, maybe in a nice baking soda bath. That ought to stop the itching.
Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.
You know what makes this paper plate Summer-themed? No, it's not the sun, or the beach accouterments, or the palm tree. It's that this disposable paper plate personally contributes to the imminent ENDLESS SUMMER of global warming, what with the deforestation and the petrochemicals and whatnot. BOOOooooo! Boo, Summer-Themed Paper Plate!
Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.
Sure, I enjoy reading books as much as the next librarian's son. But a tree that yields book fruit? Truly these are some dark majicks indeed. Plus, look at the poor indentured laborer picking the books-- he's halfway off that ladder! Were you aware that book-picking accidents were responsible for 172 deaths in the last second alone? And the tragedy of it all is he's probably picking some shit by Nicholas Sparks.
Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.
Sure, the sun relaxing in an innertube, with giant John Lennon shades and a cool drink seems fun, until you realize that the resulting steam explosion will soon dwarf the one in New York City by a factor of several billion.
Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.
AUGHHHHHHHH! GIANT STYLIZED JAPANESE SQUID!!!
Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.
Nothing is more fun than Froggy Going Fishing.
Advantage: Froggy Going Fishing.
Still, in 5 out of 6 instances, the Summer Funtime Special is more fun than random images culled from a Google image search for "Summer Fun." Better play it safe and come to the Summer Funtime Special.
Thursday - Sunday at 8:00pm
July 26, 27, 28 & 29
at the Sage Theater
711 7th Avenue, Times Square
Starring Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Dan McCoy, and Stacy Mayer
Written by Rob Bates, Matt Koff and Dan McCoy
Directed by Jeremy Westphal
Artistic Director: Stacy Mayer
Stage Manager: Karie Hunt
Part of MC2's The Big Bang
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Summer Funtime Outtake
In honor of tomorrow's debut of our sketch show, The Summer Funtime Special (get your discount tickets here), I present to you this unused sketch. It was cut for time, as it is a bit lengthy. But it LIVES ON, here, as an INTERNET EXCLUSIVE! I bet you're happy you shelled out for that high-speed connection now!
The Campfire Sketch
by Dan McCoy
Four campers sit around a fire: TERRY, JILL, GREGOR, and MILTON. They toast marshmallows and drink some beers from a cooler.
JILL
Thanks for putting this camping trip together, Terry. God, I’ve missed you guys – college seems like it was ages ago.
TERRY
It was!
JILL
Don’t remind me – I have the mirror to do that!
(Cheesy laughter.)
MILTON
So, Terry, we’ve had some beers… making s’mores. What’s next on the camping cliché checklist of fun. Are we gonna tell scary stories?
JILL
Ooh, yeah! We should do some spooky campfire tales.
GREGOR
How about it, Terry? You were always the actor.
TERRY
Well, I was in Arsenic and Old Lace…
(Encouraging noises from the group)
TERRY (cont’d)
Okay, well here’s one my dad used to pull out on family trips. (flashlight under chin) There was this couple, and late one night, they were in these very woods, getting to know one another pretty closely in the back seat of a car – just like Jill and Gregor used to do…
(Scattered laughter)
TERRY (cont’d)
So suddenly, the Al Green, or Bel Biv DeVoe, or whatever on the radio gets interrupted by a news flash. It seems that this serial killer has escaped from the local mental institution, a madman with a razor-sharp hook for his hand. Now the guy wants to keep going at it…
JILL
Just like Gregor used to!
TERRY
But the girl insists that they go home. So he grumbles a little, but they buckle up and head home, and the guy gets out to let her out of the car, show he’s still a gentleman, and he reaches for her door handle – and there’s the killer’s hook, embedded in the door! True story. And they were the lucky ones. Year after year, other kids disappeared, but the killer was never caught. And I know, because… I’M THE KILLER.
(He raises up his arm, to show that his hand is gone [concealed in his sleeve]. Jill mock screams and the others laugh, except Milton, who stands up, PULLS OUT A GUN, and SHOOTS Terry multiple times)
JILL
Milton!
GREGOR
Milton, what the fuck man?!
TERRY
You shot me!
MILTON
You heard him! He’s an escaped serial killer! He probably lured us all out here into the woods to murder us all and wear our skins! But he didn’t count on one thing: Milton Greenburger! Now step aside so I can finish him off!
GREGOR
Milton, you jackass, it was just a part of the story!
MILTON
Well, what happened to his hand then? Huh? Explain that, “Ask Jeeves!”
JILL
His hand’s fine! He just stuck it in his sleeve!
MILTON
Look, it’s not my fault if Terry’s a special effects wizard! If someone says they’re a serial killer, I shoot first and ask questions later.
JILL
You’ve known him for 20 years! It was a campfire story!
MILTON
Well, look, I guess I’m “sorry” or whatever, but I think Terry should be a little more careful when he makes false confessions.
GREGOR
Terry, hang in there, man. We’re gonna get you to a hospital.
TERRY
Don’t yell at Milton. It’s just multiple flesh wounds. I don’t want to ruin the weekend.
GREGOR
Are you kidding me? He shot you!
TERRY
Listen. I may be shot, but this whole reunion will be shot if we argue with each other. Milton, I forgive you.
MILTON
Whatever.
TERRY
I’m just gonna crawl over to the car and grab my cell phone to call an ambulance. But that’s no reason to stop the fun. You know what would really make help focus my mind so I don’t black out on the way? Another campfire story. Gregor, you got one?
GREGOR
Uh, yeah. Sure, Terry. Anything you need. Another story…
(While Gregor speaks, Terry crawls slowly offstage)
GREGOR
Um. (flashlight to chin) Late one night a young woman was driving home, in a terrible storm, when she noticed a truck following her. It sped up, so she sped up. She took turn after turn, but it stayed on her tail. Then, the truck turned on its high beams. “Is he trying to blind me?” she thought. “Run me off the road?” It flashed the high beams again. Finally, she lost him on a back road. And it was only then that she realized the trucker had been trying to warn her about the killer in the back seat! The police caught him, but I heard on the radio tonight, that he escaped. In fact, I think I might hear him… BEHIND THOSE BUSHES!
(Gregor points offstage, where Terry has just EXITED. Milton, stands up, PULLS OUT A GUN, and SHOOTS offstage. Terry SCREAMS)
TERRY
What the fuck!
JILL
Milton!
MILTON
What?
JILL
WE JUST WENT THROUGH THIS!
(Terry STUMBLES BACK ONSTAGE)
TERRY
(to no-one in particular) He shot me again!
MILTON
Oh, I see. That was just part of the story too. Well, newsflash: if someone points to the bushes and yells killer, I’m perforating those bushes!
GREGOR
Why do you even carry a gun?!
MILTON
Who else is going to protect us from this barrage of killers?
GREGOR
What killers?
MILTON
It’s not my fault if I’m confused. I mean, first Terry was the killer. Then the killer’s in the bushes. Why do you have to break the fourth wall in all of these stories anyway?
TERRY
Amen to that.
MILTON
Perhaps you want to examine your use of dangerous narrative devices, before you blame my unregistered handgun.
TERRY
Um, guys, in all the excitement of being shot multiple times, I forgot to call that ambulance. Maybe you should drive me…
JILL
Oh god! Can we argue about this later, and just get Terry to the hospital?
MILTON
I’m not getting in a car with a suspected murderer.
JILL
He’s not a murderer. How many times do we have to…(She approaches Milton, who brandishes the gun at her. She changes tactics.) Fine. You wanna hear another campfire story, Milton? Here’s a story…
TERRY
Jill, no… it’s not worth it!
JILL
One dark night, four old college buddies were sitting around a campfire, telling stories. Little did they realize that one of them had no concept of how campfire stories worked, and shot two of them. And I know this, because the killer… was…
(Milton slowly raises his gun.)
GREGOR
Careful, Jill!
JILL
YOU, Milton!
(Milton shoots Jill.)
JILL
What the…? YOU, Milton. I said the killer was YOU.
MILTON
I know.
JILL
But you shot me.
MILTON
When someone accuses me of being a killer, I shoot them!
JILL
(Final breaths) We all just hung out with you because you had a car.
(Terry and Jill slump back, dead.)
GREGOR
They’re dead.
MILTON
(checking the cooler) Yeah, and all the beer’s gone. To hell with this.
(He shoots himself in the head, and falls dead. Gregor picks up the flashlight and faces the audience.)
GREGOR
And that’s the story of the crazed murderer, who, through a series of extremely unlikely circumstances, manipulated his simpleminded friend into killing his old college lover, and the man who once beat him out for a role in Arsenic and Old Lace. A tale I know all too well…
(Gregor turns on the flashlight, beneath his chin)
GREGOR (cont'd)
BECAUSE I WAS THE MURDERER!
BLACKOUT.
(Alternate ending: “And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the first draft of Hamlet.”)
The Campfire Sketch
by Dan McCoy
JILL
Thanks for putting this camping trip together, Terry. God, I’ve missed you guys – college seems like it was ages ago.
TERRY
It was!
JILL
Don’t remind me – I have the mirror to do that!
(Cheesy laughter.)
MILTON
So, Terry, we’ve had some beers… making s’mores. What’s next on the camping cliché checklist of fun. Are we gonna tell scary stories?
JILL
Ooh, yeah! We should do some spooky campfire tales.
GREGOR
How about it, Terry? You were always the actor.
TERRY
Well, I was in Arsenic and Old Lace…
(Encouraging noises from the group)
TERRY (cont’d)
Okay, well here’s one my dad used to pull out on family trips. (flashlight under chin) There was this couple, and late one night, they were in these very woods, getting to know one another pretty closely in the back seat of a car – just like Jill and Gregor used to do…
(Scattered laughter)
TERRY (cont’d)
So suddenly, the Al Green, or Bel Biv DeVoe, or whatever on the radio gets interrupted by a news flash. It seems that this serial killer has escaped from the local mental institution, a madman with a razor-sharp hook for his hand. Now the guy wants to keep going at it…
JILL
Just like Gregor used to!
TERRY
But the girl insists that they go home. So he grumbles a little, but they buckle up and head home, and the guy gets out to let her out of the car, show he’s still a gentleman, and he reaches for her door handle – and there’s the killer’s hook, embedded in the door! True story. And they were the lucky ones. Year after year, other kids disappeared, but the killer was never caught. And I know, because… I’M THE KILLER.
(He raises up his arm, to show that his hand is gone [concealed in his sleeve]. Jill mock screams and the others laugh, except Milton, who stands up, PULLS OUT A GUN, and SHOOTS Terry multiple times)
JILL
Milton!
GREGOR
Milton, what the fuck man?!
TERRY
You shot me!
MILTON
You heard him! He’s an escaped serial killer! He probably lured us all out here into the woods to murder us all and wear our skins! But he didn’t count on one thing: Milton Greenburger! Now step aside so I can finish him off!
GREGOR
Milton, you jackass, it was just a part of the story!
MILTON
Well, what happened to his hand then? Huh? Explain that, “Ask Jeeves!”
JILL
His hand’s fine! He just stuck it in his sleeve!
MILTON
Look, it’s not my fault if Terry’s a special effects wizard! If someone says they’re a serial killer, I shoot first and ask questions later.
JILL
You’ve known him for 20 years! It was a campfire story!
MILTON
Well, look, I guess I’m “sorry” or whatever, but I think Terry should be a little more careful when he makes false confessions.
GREGOR
Terry, hang in there, man. We’re gonna get you to a hospital.
TERRY
Don’t yell at Milton. It’s just multiple flesh wounds. I don’t want to ruin the weekend.
GREGOR
Are you kidding me? He shot you!
TERRY
Listen. I may be shot, but this whole reunion will be shot if we argue with each other. Milton, I forgive you.
MILTON
Whatever.
TERRY
I’m just gonna crawl over to the car and grab my cell phone to call an ambulance. But that’s no reason to stop the fun. You know what would really make help focus my mind so I don’t black out on the way? Another campfire story. Gregor, you got one?
GREGOR
Uh, yeah. Sure, Terry. Anything you need. Another story…
(While Gregor speaks, Terry crawls slowly offstage)
GREGOR
Um. (flashlight to chin) Late one night a young woman was driving home, in a terrible storm, when she noticed a truck following her. It sped up, so she sped up. She took turn after turn, but it stayed on her tail. Then, the truck turned on its high beams. “Is he trying to blind me?” she thought. “Run me off the road?” It flashed the high beams again. Finally, she lost him on a back road. And it was only then that she realized the trucker had been trying to warn her about the killer in the back seat! The police caught him, but I heard on the radio tonight, that he escaped. In fact, I think I might hear him… BEHIND THOSE BUSHES!
(Gregor points offstage, where Terry has just EXITED. Milton, stands up, PULLS OUT A GUN, and SHOOTS offstage. Terry SCREAMS)
TERRY
What the fuck!
JILL
Milton!
MILTON
What?
JILL
WE JUST WENT THROUGH THIS!
(Terry STUMBLES BACK ONSTAGE)
TERRY
(to no-one in particular) He shot me again!
MILTON
Oh, I see. That was just part of the story too. Well, newsflash: if someone points to the bushes and yells killer, I’m perforating those bushes!
GREGOR
Why do you even carry a gun?!
MILTON
Who else is going to protect us from this barrage of killers?
GREGOR
What killers?
MILTON
It’s not my fault if I’m confused. I mean, first Terry was the killer. Then the killer’s in the bushes. Why do you have to break the fourth wall in all of these stories anyway?
TERRY
Amen to that.
MILTON
Perhaps you want to examine your use of dangerous narrative devices, before you blame my unregistered handgun.
TERRY
Um, guys, in all the excitement of being shot multiple times, I forgot to call that ambulance. Maybe you should drive me…
JILL
Oh god! Can we argue about this later, and just get Terry to the hospital?
MILTON
I’m not getting in a car with a suspected murderer.
JILL
He’s not a murderer. How many times do we have to…(She approaches Milton, who brandishes the gun at her. She changes tactics.) Fine. You wanna hear another campfire story, Milton? Here’s a story…
TERRY
Jill, no… it’s not worth it!
JILL
One dark night, four old college buddies were sitting around a campfire, telling stories. Little did they realize that one of them had no concept of how campfire stories worked, and shot two of them. And I know this, because the killer… was…
(Milton slowly raises his gun.)
GREGOR
Careful, Jill!
JILL
YOU, Milton!
(Milton shoots Jill.)
JILL
What the…? YOU, Milton. I said the killer was YOU.
MILTON
I know.
JILL
But you shot me.
MILTON
When someone accuses me of being a killer, I shoot them!
JILL
(Final breaths) We all just hung out with you because you had a car.
(Terry and Jill slump back, dead.)
GREGOR
They’re dead.
MILTON
(checking the cooler) Yeah, and all the beer’s gone. To hell with this.
(He shoots himself in the head, and falls dead. Gregor picks up the flashlight and faces the audience.)
GREGOR
And that’s the story of the crazed murderer, who, through a series of extremely unlikely circumstances, manipulated his simpleminded friend into killing his old college lover, and the man who once beat him out for a role in Arsenic and Old Lace. A tale I know all too well…
(Gregor turns on the flashlight, beneath his chin)
GREGOR (cont'd)
BECAUSE I WAS THE MURDERER!
BLACKOUT.
(Alternate ending: “And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the first draft of Hamlet.”)
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
New Show ALERT: The Summer Funtime Special
I'll be co-starring in a sketch show next weekend (co-written by me). So come out and see the show, or regret missing it. Or don't regret missing it. That's the other option open to you: complete disinterest and lack of regret. It's a popular choice, as I understand.
What's the show?
"The Summer Funtime Special"
Barbecues, bikinis, beachballs, and blockbusters. Finally, a sketch show that celebrates what Time Magazine calls "The World's Hottest Season." An earlier version of this show was reviewed as having "sharp writing and performing" -- Jester Journal. Yes, some random guy with a website liked it. A ROUSING ENDORSEMENT! When have they ever been wrong?
Basically it's a collection of seasonal sketches, some old (don't worry, you haven't seen them), some new, in the vein of Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular. If you liked that, chances are you'll like this too.
The at-the-door price is $15, but that gets you into all three of the evening's shows (the other two being "Sealegs McGoo," a one-man character piece, and "Plan B," another sketch group, so the ticket price covers the whole night). However, you can get a small discount by buying tix online. It's $12, with no additional service fee (the website is sort of confusing because the site says "w/service fee," but they mean to say it's included).
The key information is below:
Thursday - Sunday at 8:00pm
July 26, 27, 28 & 29
at the Sage Theater
711 7th Avenue, Times Square
Starring Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Dan McCoy, and Stacy Mayer
Written by Rob Bates, Matt Koff and Dan McCoy
Directed by Jeremy Westphal
Artistic Director: Stacy Mayer
Stage Manager: Karie Hunt
Part of MC2's The Big Bang
Disclaimer: this show is not affiliated with the Girl Scouts, although balding lothario Rob Bates wants readers to know that he's done a little girl scouting in his time, if you know what he means.
What's the show?
"The Summer Funtime Special"
Barbecues, bikinis, beachballs, and blockbusters. Finally, a sketch show that celebrates what Time Magazine calls "The World's Hottest Season." An earlier version of this show was reviewed as having "sharp writing and performing" -- Jester Journal. Yes, some random guy with a website liked it. A ROUSING ENDORSEMENT! When have they ever been wrong?
Basically it's a collection of seasonal sketches, some old (don't worry, you haven't seen them), some new, in the vein of Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular. If you liked that, chances are you'll like this too.
The at-the-door price is $15, but that gets you into all three of the evening's shows (the other two being "Sealegs McGoo," a one-man character piece, and "Plan B," another sketch group, so the ticket price covers the whole night). However, you can get a small discount by buying tix online. It's $12, with no additional service fee (the website is sort of confusing because the site says "w/service fee," but they mean to say it's included).
The key information is below:
Thursday - Sunday at 8:00pm
July 26, 27, 28 & 29
at the Sage Theater
711 7th Avenue, Times Square
Starring Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Dan McCoy, and Stacy Mayer
Written by Rob Bates, Matt Koff and Dan McCoy
Directed by Jeremy Westphal
Artistic Director: Stacy Mayer
Stage Manager: Karie Hunt
Part of MC2's The Big Bang
Disclaimer: this show is not affiliated with the Girl Scouts, although balding lothario Rob Bates wants readers to know that he's done a little girl scouting in his time, if you know what he means.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Show Photos
Here's a picture from the Very British 4th of July show, which Eric Zuckerman and I hosted in the guise of Bob Hoskins and Michael Caine. I'm the hatless one who looks nothing like Caine.
Thanks to my lovely wife for the photo. Larger version available here.
Update: I'm adding the following picture of Eric and me drinking. Previously you had to follow us around until we went to a bar and wait a couple seconds to get this kind of sweet, sweet action. Thanks, Internet!
And lastly, here's one of Matt Koff, from the Summer Funtime Special, to disturb and alarm you.
Thanks to my lovely wife for the photo. Larger version available here.
Update: I'm adding the following picture of Eric and me drinking. Previously you had to follow us around until we went to a bar and wait a couple seconds to get this kind of sweet, sweet action. Thanks, Internet!
And lastly, here's one of Matt Koff, from the Summer Funtime Special, to disturb and alarm you.
Friday, May 19, 2006
The Air Conditioner Sketch
The Summer Funtime Special was a smashing success last night. For those of you who couldn't be there, I offer the following sketch, one of my favorites from the show...
The Air Conditioner Sketch, by Dan McCoy
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
A husband and wife lounge on a couch, visibly overcome by
heat. The woman fans herself with a piece of paper.
WIFE
Honey, I think it's time to install the
air conditioner again.
HUSBAND
Aw, that's such a pain. Didn't we just
take it out?
WIFE
Yes, hon. Every year. C'mon, it's
supposed to get up to 90 by the end of
the week. We don't want to do it then.
The husband rises to EXIT.
HUSBAND
(while leaving)
I don't know why you wait for me. You
could put it in while I'm not here.
Speaking to him, off stage. While she speaks we HEAR
CRASHING NOISES as he digs around to unearth the air
conditioner, and grunts as he picks it up.
WIFE
Are you kidding? That thing weighs a
ton. Hurry up; this fan isn't cutting it
anymore.
The husband ENTERS carrying an air conditioner (a
cardboard box, made to look like a window unit.)
HUSBAND
All right, hold your horses. Now how
does this go in again?
He lifts the air conditionerup to the window.
`HUSBAND
So, I guess I just put this here...
WIFE
Just make sure this is level with the
sill...
HUSBAND
Oh, it wobbles a bit...
WIFE
You have to make the ridge fit in to the
top here...
HUSBAND
We need something to put in and make it
level...
WIFE
All that holds it is gravity -- make sure
it fits just right or else...
The air conditioner slips from their grasp and falls out
the window. They are horrified.
SFX: A LOUD CRASH!
They immediately duck out of sight beneath the window.
MAN DOWNSTAIRS (O.S.)
(screaming)
Oh my god! Oh god! Something fell on
me! It feels like... It is! It's an air
conditioner! Oh my sweet lord, it is
heavy and metal and sharp! Why?! In
addition my cranial damage, somehow the
blades of the fan inside have embedded
themselves in my genitals! What are the
odds of that happening?! Not good, I
wager!
HUSBAND
Jesus, honey, what did you do?
WIFE
Me? You were the one who let go of the
air conditioner.
HUSBAND
Well obviously you didn't have much of a
hold on it either!
WIFE
I was trying to straighten it.
HUSBAND
Straighten it into that guy's skull!
WIFE
I don't even know what that means!
MAN OUTSIDE (O.S.)
(loud moaning)
WIFE(O.S.)
Oh god, what are we going to do now?
HUSBAND
I'll tell you what we do. We sit tight,
and stay inside. That air conditioner
could've come from anywhere!
WIFE
Good plan.
They sit in silence for a long beat. The wife picks up
the fan and starts fanning herself again.
WIFE (CONT'D)
You know...
(stops herself, then)
You know, all that guilty panicking
really works up a sweat.
HUSBAND
Yeah.
WIFE
Do we still have our old air conditioner?
HUSBAND
Seriously?
She shrugs. He stares at her for a moment, then pushes
up from the couch.
HUSBAND (CONT'D)
Fine.
He EXITS, then RE-ENTERS with the air conditioner, and
climbs up to the window.
HUSBAND (CONT'D)
(muttering)
I can't believe I'm doing this. Now
let's see... The flaps should spread out
like this...
He drops the air conditioner out the window.
SFX: LOUD CRASH.
MAN OUTSIDE (O.S.)
Oh sweet lord almighty! A second air
conditioner has fallen on the first!
Such cruel redundancy! Has some
consignment of air conditioners fallen
from the poorly-latched cargo bay of a
plane flying above?! One might think
that the second air conditioner would
have hurt less than the first, as my body
has gone into shock and would thus not
register the pain! One would be wrong!
The second air conditioner has simply
driven the first one deeper into my body,
then it bounced off and injured the only
areas unaffected by my first mishap!
HUSBAND
What did you do?!
WIFE
Me?
HUSBAND
Oh, fine! Everything's my fault.
He STORMS OUT of the room.
WIFE
Where are you going?
HUSBAND (O.S.)
I'm getting that extra air conditioner
the landlord offered us when we moved in!
He RE-ENTERS, and immediately drops the air conditioner
out the window.
WIFE
What are you...?!
SFX: LOUD CRASH.
HUSBAND
(realizing)
Oh! I totally spaced.
MAN OUTSIDE
Heaven help me! Has nature seen fit to
rain down upon me not the sweet, gentle
summer rain, but an endless stream of
razor-sharp angles, and unforgiving
steel!?
Mayhap I have been chosen, like the
biblical Job, to suffer countless
sorrows, although were I to choose, I
would choose his open sores over this
never-ceasing torrent of heavy, heavy air
conditioners! I am in agony!
WIFE
Wow, that was really poetic -- especially
for a guy who was just hit by three air
conditioners!
OTHER MAN OUTSIDE (O.S.)
Hey! I saw that! Hey you in the window!
The husband ducks under the window sill.
OTHER MAN OUTSIDE (CONT'D)
Yeah, you can't hide! I saw you drop
that air conditioner on that guy!
The husband RUNS OUT of the room.
OTHER MAN OUTSIDE (CONT'D)
Hey you motherfucker, come out here!
The husband RUNS BACK IN with another air conditioner.
He climbs back up and throws it out the window.
SFX: LOUD CRASH.
OTHER MAN OUTSIDE (CONT'D)
(groans)
WIFE
Why did you do that?!
HUSBAND
He was a witness!
WIFE
You're insane! And where did you get a
fourth air conditioner, anyway?
HUSBAND
I took from a homeless guy.
WIFE
You stole an air conditioner from a
homeless guy?!
HUSBAND
What was he going to do with it anyway?
It's not like he has a home to cool!
WIFE
That's not the point! You...
SFX: SIRENS. They both freeze.
POLICEMAN (O.S.)
This is the police. We have you
surrounded. Come out with your hands up.
They look at each other for a moment, then...
HUSBAND
Air conditioners! Quick!
The wife runs offstage, then returns with an air
conditioner. She tosses it up to him, and he gets ready
to throw it at the police.
HUSBAND (CONT'D)
Eat freon, copper!
BLACKOUT.
ANNOUNCER
Two hours later...
The lights come up. Husband and wife sit peacefully on
the sofa. The air conditioner is perched above them.
WIFE
Thank god that our final air conditioner
fits snugly on top of that pile of dead
bodies and other air conditioners. Now
the apartment is nice and cool.
HUSBAND
And how!
They laugh loud and long, right into the...
BLACKOUT.
The Air Conditioner Sketch, by Dan McCoy
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
A husband and wife lounge on a couch, visibly overcome by
heat. The woman fans herself with a piece of paper.
WIFE
Honey, I think it's time to install the
air conditioner again.
HUSBAND
Aw, that's such a pain. Didn't we just
take it out?
WIFE
Yes, hon. Every year. C'mon, it's
supposed to get up to 90 by the end of
the week. We don't want to do it then.
The husband rises to EXIT.
HUSBAND
(while leaving)
I don't know why you wait for me. You
could put it in while I'm not here.
Speaking to him, off stage. While she speaks we HEAR
CRASHING NOISES as he digs around to unearth the air
conditioner, and grunts as he picks it up.
WIFE
Are you kidding? That thing weighs a
ton. Hurry up; this fan isn't cutting it
anymore.
The husband ENTERS carrying an air conditioner (a
cardboard box, made to look like a window unit.)
HUSBAND
All right, hold your horses. Now how
does this go in again?
He lifts the air conditionerup to the window.
`HUSBAND
So, I guess I just put this here...
WIFE
Just make sure this is level with the
sill...
HUSBAND
Oh, it wobbles a bit...
WIFE
You have to make the ridge fit in to the
top here...
HUSBAND
We need something to put in and make it
level...
WIFE
All that holds it is gravity -- make sure
it fits just right or else...
The air conditioner slips from their grasp and falls out
the window. They are horrified.
SFX: A LOUD CRASH!
They immediately duck out of sight beneath the window.
MAN DOWNSTAIRS (O.S.)
(screaming)
Oh my god! Oh god! Something fell on
me! It feels like... It is! It's an air
conditioner! Oh my sweet lord, it is
heavy and metal and sharp! Why?! In
addition my cranial damage, somehow the
blades of the fan inside have embedded
themselves in my genitals! What are the
odds of that happening?! Not good, I
wager!
HUSBAND
Jesus, honey, what did you do?
WIFE
Me? You were the one who let go of the
air conditioner.
HUSBAND
Well obviously you didn't have much of a
hold on it either!
WIFE
I was trying to straighten it.
HUSBAND
Straighten it into that guy's skull!
WIFE
I don't even know what that means!
MAN OUTSIDE (O.S.)
(loud moaning)
WIFE(O.S.)
Oh god, what are we going to do now?
HUSBAND
I'll tell you what we do. We sit tight,
and stay inside. That air conditioner
could've come from anywhere!
WIFE
Good plan.
They sit in silence for a long beat. The wife picks up
the fan and starts fanning herself again.
WIFE (CONT'D)
You know...
(stops herself, then)
You know, all that guilty panicking
really works up a sweat.
HUSBAND
Yeah.
WIFE
Do we still have our old air conditioner?
HUSBAND
Seriously?
She shrugs. He stares at her for a moment, then pushes
up from the couch.
HUSBAND (CONT'D)
Fine.
He EXITS, then RE-ENTERS with the air conditioner, and
climbs up to the window.
HUSBAND (CONT'D)
(muttering)
I can't believe I'm doing this. Now
let's see... The flaps should spread out
like this...
He drops the air conditioner out the window.
SFX: LOUD CRASH.
MAN OUTSIDE (O.S.)
Oh sweet lord almighty! A second air
conditioner has fallen on the first!
Such cruel redundancy! Has some
consignment of air conditioners fallen
from the poorly-latched cargo bay of a
plane flying above?! One might think
that the second air conditioner would
have hurt less than the first, as my body
has gone into shock and would thus not
register the pain! One would be wrong!
The second air conditioner has simply
driven the first one deeper into my body,
then it bounced off and injured the only
areas unaffected by my first mishap!
HUSBAND
What did you do?!
WIFE
Me?
HUSBAND
Oh, fine! Everything's my fault.
He STORMS OUT of the room.
WIFE
Where are you going?
HUSBAND (O.S.)
I'm getting that extra air conditioner
the landlord offered us when we moved in!
He RE-ENTERS, and immediately drops the air conditioner
out the window.
WIFE
What are you...?!
SFX: LOUD CRASH.
HUSBAND
(realizing)
Oh! I totally spaced.
MAN OUTSIDE
Heaven help me! Has nature seen fit to
rain down upon me not the sweet, gentle
summer rain, but an endless stream of
razor-sharp angles, and unforgiving
steel!?
Mayhap I have been chosen, like the
biblical Job, to suffer countless
sorrows, although were I to choose, I
would choose his open sores over this
never-ceasing torrent of heavy, heavy air
conditioners! I am in agony!
WIFE
Wow, that was really poetic -- especially
for a guy who was just hit by three air
conditioners!
OTHER MAN OUTSIDE (O.S.)
Hey! I saw that! Hey you in the window!
The husband ducks under the window sill.
OTHER MAN OUTSIDE (CONT'D)
Yeah, you can't hide! I saw you drop
that air conditioner on that guy!
The husband RUNS OUT of the room.
OTHER MAN OUTSIDE (CONT'D)
Hey you motherfucker, come out here!
The husband RUNS BACK IN with another air conditioner.
He climbs back up and throws it out the window.
SFX: LOUD CRASH.
OTHER MAN OUTSIDE (CONT'D)
(groans)
WIFE
Why did you do that?!
HUSBAND
He was a witness!
WIFE
You're insane! And where did you get a
fourth air conditioner, anyway?
HUSBAND
I took from a homeless guy.
WIFE
You stole an air conditioner from a
homeless guy?!
HUSBAND
What was he going to do with it anyway?
It's not like he has a home to cool!
WIFE
That's not the point! You...
SFX: SIRENS. They both freeze.
POLICEMAN (O.S.)
This is the police. We have you
surrounded. Come out with your hands up.
They look at each other for a moment, then...
HUSBAND
Air conditioners! Quick!
The wife runs offstage, then returns with an air
conditioner. She tosses it up to him, and he gets ready
to throw it at the police.
HUSBAND (CONT'D)
Eat freon, copper!
BLACKOUT.
ANNOUNCER
Two hours later...
The lights come up. Husband and wife sit peacefully on
the sofa. The air conditioner is perched above them.
WIFE
Thank god that our final air conditioner
fits snugly on top of that pile of dead
bodies and other air conditioners. Now
the apartment is nice and cool.
HUSBAND
And how!
They laugh loud and long, right into the...
BLACKOUT.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Tonight!
May 18
@ 7:15 - I will introduce two episodes of Captains in Space, Live!
@ 10:00 - The Summer Funtime Special - I co-wrote, and will appear in this all-new sketch show.
-see previous posts for further details-
Location (all shows):
The Gene Frankel Theater Underground
24 Bond Street (aka East 2nd St.)
In the East Village, on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette. In the basement theater. Take the 6 to Bleeker, B/D/F/V to Broadway Lafayette, or R to Prince.
Cost:
-$5 for 10 PM show ONLY.
-$10 for entire night of shows (including both of my shows, at 7:15 and 10 and everything in-between). Includes 1 free drink ticket.
@ 7:15 - I will introduce two episodes of Captains in Space, Live!
@ 10:00 - The Summer Funtime Special - I co-wrote, and will appear in this all-new sketch show.
-see previous posts for further details-
Location (all shows):
The Gene Frankel Theater Underground
24 Bond Street (aka East 2nd St.)
In the East Village, on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette. In the basement theater. Take the 6 to Bleeker, B/D/F/V to Broadway Lafayette, or R to Prince.
Cost:
-$5 for 10 PM show ONLY.
-$10 for entire night of shows (including both of my shows, at 7:15 and 10 and everything in-between). Includes 1 free drink ticket.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Summer Funtime Update
Just a reminder that The Summer Funtime Special is this Thursday the 18th at 10 PM. We've made a slight casting adjustment-- Rick Murphy will not be appearing in the show (lay off the sauce, Rick!*). Instead, we're pleased to announced the addition of Jeremiah Murphy to the cast. We figure, what the heck? One Murphy's as good as another. We're also pleased to announce that our director will be Mr. War of the Worlds himself, the Hoskins to my Caine, Eric Zuckerman. Feel free to applaud.The Summer Funtime Special
Starring: Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Stacy Mayer, Dan McCoy, and Jeremiah Murphy.
Written by: Matt Koff, Rob Bates, and Dan McCoy
Directed by: Erik Zuckerman
The Gene Frankel Theater Underground 24 Bond Street (AKA East 2nd St.)
It's on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, in the basement space.
$5 for the 10 PM show, or you can see the whole MC2 Thursday line up for $10 (includes a drink ticket). Making things bold is fun.
It's the only show you'll see this year whose title is an anagram of "Fiancee sperm multi sum." That has to count for something!
*This is, of course, a joke. Mr. Rick Murphy is a fine human being, who could not appear in the show for scheduling reasons, and not because of any substance abuse problems, although he's totally a falling-down lush, and you can tell him I said that.**
**Libel suit, here I come!
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Two New Shows in May
I will be taking part in a one-time-only sketch event on May 18, at 10 PM, titled, "The Summer Funtime Special," produced by The Manhattan Comedy Collective and Matt Koff. The blurb on the MC2 website has this to say:
"Barbecues, bikinis, beachballs, and blockbusters. Finally, a sketch show that celebrates what Time Magazine calls 'The World's Hottest Season.'
Starring Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Stacy Mayer, Dan McCoy, and Rick Murphy. With special guests and other surprises!"
The show will be written by Matt, Rob, and myself, and you can see it at:
The Gene Frankel Theater Underground
24 Bond Street (AKA East 2nd St.)
It's on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, in the basement space.
$5 for the 10 PM show, or you can see the whole MC2 Thursday line up for $10 (includes a drink ticket).
More news as events warrant.*
Also: good news for fans of my periodic contributions to Andres du Bouchet's always extremely funny Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game-- one of my bits will be included on the May 23rd show (only writing-- I won't be performing).
In case you've forgotten, Giant Tuesday Night is at:
Rififi/ Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street
between 1st and 2nd Avenues
The show is FREE (w/ a one drink minimum)
*Read, "when we figure out who the special guests are."
"Barbecues, bikinis, beachballs, and blockbusters. Finally, a sketch show that celebrates what Time Magazine calls 'The World's Hottest Season.'
Starring Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Stacy Mayer, Dan McCoy, and Rick Murphy. With special guests and other surprises!"
The show will be written by Matt, Rob, and myself, and you can see it at:
The Gene Frankel Theater Underground
24 Bond Street (AKA East 2nd St.)
It's on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, in the basement space.
$5 for the 10 PM show, or you can see the whole MC2 Thursday line up for $10 (includes a drink ticket).
More news as events warrant.*
Also: good news for fans of my periodic contributions to Andres du Bouchet's always extremely funny Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game-- one of my bits will be included on the May 23rd show (only writing-- I won't be performing).
In case you've forgotten, Giant Tuesday Night is at:
Rififi/ Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street
between 1st and 2nd Avenues
The show is FREE (w/ a one drink minimum)
*Read, "when we figure out who the special guests are."
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