Primetime Kalan Tidbit

For those of you who didn't make it out to the show, here's a bit from Saturday's Primetime Kalan, written by me. It went over fairly well, I think. More importantly, (1.) I got to do a mediocre Columbo impression, and (2.) I wore a trench coat borrowed from The Daily Show. Who knows who else may have worn that same coat? Corddry? Helms? A pre-Colbert-Report Stephen Colbert? Oh the comedy costume magic!

Anyway, here's the sketch:

ELLIOTT
And so if Claudette Colbert and Irene Dunne got into a knife fight, I think it would go a little something like...

DAN has ENTERED , as LIEUTENANT COLUMBO, while Elliott has been talking. He makes his way towards the stage.

COLUMBO
Mr. Kalan! Mr. Kalan!

ELLIOTT
Yes, yes, lieutenant. What are you doing here?

COLUMBO
I'm sorry to interrupt, but I just thought of a question I wanted to ask you.

ELLIOTT
Well, what is it Columbo? I'm a very busy man.

COLUMBO
Yes sir, I know; I'm sorry. It's just... you told me that when you found the body, you were alone in the house...

ELLIOTT
Yes, yes! We've been over this before!

COLUMBO
But that's just it, sir. When the sergeant arrived, he said there were two glasses of bourbon on the bar. If you were alone the whole time, why would there have been two there? I just can't figure it out.

ELLIOTT
Well, I think it's clear that I was surprised by finding the body. That sort of thing is a terrible shock. I must have forgotten about my first drink, and poured a new one without realizing it, before I called the police.

COLUMBO
That makes sense. You're probably right, that's probably it. I'm sorry to have bothered you.

ELLIOTT
Not at all, lieutenant, that's what I'm here for.

COLUMBO
(leaving)
Have a good day, sir.
(he stops)
Oh, there's just one more thing, Mr. Kalan.

ELLIOTT
(exploding)
What is it, Lieutenant! Can't you see I'm busy! I'm in the middle of a show here! I must attend to my audience!

COLUMBO
(noticing audience for the first time)
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. Please excuse me. The last thing Mrs. Columbo and I would want when we're out on the town, seeing a nice show, is some guy coming in, going on and on. Please forgive me.

ELLIOTT
Never mind about that! What's your question.

COLUMBO
Yessir. It's just... there was lipstick on the second glass. Could you explain that, sir?

ELLIOTT
Well, clearly, in my distressed frame of mind, I must have applied lipstick before pouring and drinking the second glass! It's as clear as day!

COLUMBO
(of course)
That's it. Thank you for helping me figure that out sir. I'm sorry to have bothered you.

ELLIOTT
Not at all. I'll see you later, lieutenant.

COLUMBO
I'm sure you will sir.

Columbo LEAVES through the audience, excusing himself as he passes by each table, in an elaborately and polite, but completely disruptive manner. Elliott fumes.

COLUMBO
Oh, one last thing!

ELLIOTT
(breaking down)
Fine! I'll tell you everything about that horrible horrible night! Anything you want to know! What!? What is it?

COLUMBO
Uh... where's the can?

ELLIOTT
Oh. It's right behind you, lieutenant.

COLUMBO
Thanks.

ELLIOT
As I was saying, Irene Dunne...

ERIK ENTERS as FATHER DOWLING.

FATHER DOWLING
Mr. Kalan, may I have a word with you?

ELLIOTT
Father Dowling!

FATHER DOWLING
Yes, my son. I'd like ask you some questions. There's been a disturbing incident with some poisoned communion wine, and...

ELLIOTT
Uh, Father Dowling, you know I'm Jewish, right?

FATHER DOWLING
You are? Oh. Well. I only solve Christian-themed mysteries. Sorry to have bothered you.

ELLIOTT
Finally, being Jewish pays off somehow. Anyway, as I -

FATHER DOWLING
Just one thing, if I could get serious for a moment.
(addressing the audience)
There's a petition by the door to get The Father Dowling Mysteries released on DVD. If you could just sign it on your way out, that'd be great. We're trying to get fifty thousand signatures, and right now we have... uh, two. So...

ELLIOTT
Thank you, Father Dowling!

FATHER DOWLING
Just a little bit of background on the show...

ELLIOT
Father...

FATHER DOWLING
I'm a priest in Chicago, who solves crimes. I'm assisted in my investigations by a streetwise nun who grew up in a housing project, so she can hotwire cars, and stuff...

ELLIOTT
Please, just...

FATHER DOWLING
...and it ran for three seasons, from 1987 to '91.

ELLIOTT
Father, I...
(then, surprised)
Really? That long?

FATHER DOWLING
Yes.

ELLIOTT
Are you sure it wasn't like two seasons and a Christmas special?

FATHER DOWLING
Three seasons.

ELLIOTT
(still unbelieving)
Okay. Well, anyway, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

FATHER DOWLING
Okay.
(leaving)
Remember, sign that petition! The DVDs will include the lost episode where the streetwise nun and I give into our animal lust and do it missionary-style for the whole hour.

ELLIOTT
That episode doesn't exist.

FATHER DOWLING
It does IN MY MIND!

ELLIOTT
All right! Get out of here!

If you missed this last show, cry not. We'll be doing an all-new show next month-- on September 24 to be exact-- with special guest Demetri Martin. You won't want to miss it.