What do I mean, rejected? Well, in putting together the show, the other writers and I generated about twice as much material as we needed, and then cut it down to just the best stuff. This is one sketch that did not make the cut. (A decision I totally agree with, by the way-- the other sketches I wrote were much stronger.)
But why waste sub-par material? Especially since I'm feeling lazy and don't want to generate original content for this site. Thus, I'm giving you this peek behind the scenes. If you come to see Zombira, you'll see sketches sort of like this one.
Except, you know. Better.
OBVIOUS VAMPIRE SKETCH
A woman, SHARON, lies in the middle of the stage, with red fang marks on her neck. Two businessmen, SAM and DAVE, ENTER.
SAM
So that’s why I’ll never put that particular part of my body in the copy machine again.
DAVE
That story was awful.
SAM
Lighten up, man. If you can’t have fun in the office, which is where we currently are, being two businessmen, then where can…
(notices Sharon)
Oh my God, it’s Sharon from accounting!
Sam runs over and feels her pulse.
DAVE
Is she dead?
SAM
I can’t tell. Hand me your cocaine mirror.
DAVE
(handing it over)
Dude, I told you not to call it my cocaine mirror at work.
SAM
Whatever, pussy.
Sam holds a small mirror in front of Sharon’s face, and then looks at it to see if it's fogged up.
SAM (cont’d)
She’s not breathing. God, what do you think happened?
DAVE
I dunno, but this doesn’t look like a natural death. What are those marks on her neck?
SAM
They look almost like… fang marks. And she’s all pale, like the blood has been sucked from her. Jesus, you don’t think a dog attacked her, do you?
DAVE
Dogs don’t drink blood, idiot.
SAM
They do if they’re thirsty!
TODD ENTERS. He has long red streaks extending down from both sides of his mouth, over his chin, down across his shirt. He also has fangs.
TODD
Hey guys, what’s up?
DAVE
Hey Todd. Get this: Sam thinks some sort of thirsty dog killed Sharon from accounting. Isn’t that retarded?
TODD
Sharon from accounting is dead? God. Mondays, huh?
DAVE and SAM
(groan in agreement)
SAM
Are you a doctor, Dave? Or a vet? Then shut up! I’d like to know what you think happened!
DAVE
I dunno. Maybe she fell onto two evenly spaced message spindles. Right Todd?
TODD
Yeah, we don’t know. It could have been anything. Maybe her death was completely unrelated to the loss of her delicious blood. Maybe she had a heart attack.
DAVE
Totally. Why do you always think it has something to do with delicious blood, Sam?
SAM
I don’t! I attributed the last corpse to heat stroke! And besides, I…
(noticing Todd’s shirt)
Hey, uh… Todd. You got a little something on your shirt.
TODD
(looking down)
Oops! Heh heh! No more cherry Kool-Aid for Todd, right guys?
DAVE
(laughing)
Yeah, you’ve got a real drool problem there, don’t you Todd?
TODD
(deadly serious)
I wouldn’t make fun, Dave—not if you value your precious bodily fluids.
Awkward pause.
SAM
Well, anyway. I guess we should call an ambulance… or at least tell her mom, Debbie from accounting.
DAVE
Those two have such a weird last name.
TODD
(garbled)
SAM
What’s that, Todd? I couldn’t understand you because of your oversized canine teeth.
TODD
Sorry. I said, perhaps before you do that, you should check her again, to make sure she’s really dead.
SAM
(kneeling down, with mirror)
Well, okay, but I’m pretty sure she’s…
Sharon gets up, startling Sam and Dave.
SHARON
What happened?
DAVE
God, Sharon! We thought you were dead! Man, this is just what happened with the last five bloodless corpses that mysteriously reanimated! We are so bad at telling if people are dead or not!
SAM
Sharon, are you feeling okay? You weren’t breathing, and now you’re not showing up in Dave’s cocaine mirror!
DAVE
Dude, ixnay on the ocaine irrormay!
SHARON
No, I’m fine—I probably fainted.
SAM
What about your neck?
SHARON
Oh, y’know… hickey. Forgot my turtleneck. No, I’m fine now. I must’ve just caught that bug that’s going around.
SAM
Jesus, I hope I don’t get it. I can’t comb my hair without a mirror to save my life.
TODD
(runs fingers through hair)
Tell me about it… I mean… I totally show up in mirrors!
DAVE
(awkward)
Well, anyway—I’m glad you’re okay, but Sam and I need to motor if we wanna make that 11 o’clock meeting. Mondays huh?
SHARON & TODD
(groaning agreement)
Sam and Dave wave to them and EXIT. A beat.
TODD
So… you wanna take an early lunch?
SHARON
Sure. Anything but Dave, though. Guy’s so jacked up on coke that I’d be addicted before I hit an artery.
BLACKOUT
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