$5 tickets / $1 beer / free candy!
Thursday, October 29, 2009 at 11:00pm
Magnet Theater
254 W 29th St between 7th and 8th aves.
Manhattan
Showing posts with label Halloween. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Halloween. Show all posts
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Mr. Whitepants Ends Its October Run Tonight!
Come see the FINAL hi-SCARY-ous performance of our Halloween show. Then participate in our Halloween costume contest for the chance to win a prize which may or may not be a snuggie!
$5 tickets / $1 beer / free candy!
Thursday, October 29, 2009 at 11:00pm
Magnet Theater
254 W 29th St between 7th and 8th aves.
Manhattan
$5 tickets / $1 beer / free candy!
Thursday, October 29, 2009 at 11:00pm
Magnet Theater
254 W 29th St between 7th and 8th aves.
Manhattan
Monday, October 19, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
The Flop House Episode Forty-Seven is ONLINE
Flop House's annual SHOCKTOBER celebration begins with the only horror movie we can think of featuring a dybbuk: The Unborn. Perhaps writer/director David Goyer should have learned the old vaudeville lesson--words with a K are funny (not scary). Meanwhile Stuart reveals his complete ignorance of celebrity scandals, Elliott shows how he passed the bar in Ape Law, and Dan admits we basically choose movies based on whether they have a panty shot in the poster.*
0:00 - 0:34 - Introduction and SPOOKY theme
0:35 - 2:27 - The usual off-topic nonsense up front.
2:28 - 30:44- Finally, the pro-abortion, anti-holocaust, Jewish demon story you've been waiting for! The Unborn.
30:45 - 34:04- Final judgments
34:05 - 39:29 - Movie Mailbag
39:30 - 47:11 - A special SHOCKTOBER sad bastards recommend (the first two links aren't horror movies, but the rest are).
47:12 - 48:37 - Goodbyes, theme and outtakes.
Paste theflophouse.libsyn.com/rss into iTunes (or your favorite podcatching software) to have new episodes of The Flop House delivered to you directly, as they're released.
Wikipedia synopsis of The Unborn
*For comparison's sake, here's the original, panty-centric Unborn poster:
0:00 - 0:34 - Introduction and SPOOKY theme
0:35 - 2:27 - The usual off-topic nonsense up front.
2:28 - 30:44- Finally, the pro-abortion, anti-holocaust, Jewish demon story you've been waiting for! The Unborn.
30:45 - 34:04- Final judgments
34:05 - 39:29 - Movie Mailbag
39:30 - 47:11 - A special SHOCKTOBER sad bastards recommend (the first two links aren't horror movies, but the rest are).
47:12 - 48:37 - Goodbyes, theme and outtakes.
Press the play button above to listen to this episode
Download Mp3
Paste theflophouse.libsyn.com/rss into iTunes (or your favorite podcatching software) to have new episodes of The Flop House delivered to you directly, as they're released.
Wikipedia synopsis of The Unborn
*For comparison's sake, here's the original, panty-centric Unborn poster:
Friday, November 09, 2007
Zombira Slutty Costume Sketch: Now With Video!
I posted the text to my Slutty Costumes Sketch last year, but now (thanks to my wife) I have video of it. Well, of half of it. But, honestly, you get the idea (although if you want the background, follow the link above and then switch to the video the moment she pulls out the "slutty calendar").
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
A Halloween Miracle
Well, not quite a miracle, but a delightful story nonetheless.
So, I was coming home from a delightful Halloween party at my friends' place* in Morningside Heights, dressed in my painstakingly accurate Shaun-from-Shaun of the Dead costume. Looking to snag a cab, I raised my cricket bat in cab-hailing formation. My wife, seeing a police car down the street, scolded me to put my bat down, apparently afraid that the fuzz would mistake us for a roving gang of cricket hooligans.
Sure enough, at the nearest light, the police car stopped, rolled down the window, and the cop in the passenger seat yelled...
"Hey! Why don't you try throwing records at the taxis!?"
Now, like most folks under the age of, say, 35, I have ambivalent feelings about the police. Living in NYC (and in not the world's nicest neighborhood) I'm always happy to see them around. Still, I have the usual fear of people with lots and lots of authority and guns.
However, this police officer not only identified my costume from 30 feet away, thought of a funny and appropriate-to-Shaun of the Dead remark, and yelled it to me. In that moment, to me, he was truly New York's finest.
Bravo, cop. Bravo.
*One of said friends being inimitable children's literature blogger Betsy "Fuse #8," who gave The Flop House a beautiful shout-out over at her School Library Journal site. Thanks to her for that, although god knows what her audience will make of the podcast. Thankfully she makes clear just how profane we tend to get.
So, I was coming home from a delightful Halloween party at my friends' place* in Morningside Heights, dressed in my painstakingly accurate Shaun-from-Shaun of the Dead costume. Looking to snag a cab, I raised my cricket bat in cab-hailing formation. My wife, seeing a police car down the street, scolded me to put my bat down, apparently afraid that the fuzz would mistake us for a roving gang of cricket hooligans.
Sure enough, at the nearest light, the police car stopped, rolled down the window, and the cop in the passenger seat yelled...
"Hey! Why don't you try throwing records at the taxis!?"
Now, like most folks under the age of, say, 35, I have ambivalent feelings about the police. Living in NYC (and in not the world's nicest neighborhood) I'm always happy to see them around. Still, I have the usual fear of people with lots and lots of authority and guns.
However, this police officer not only identified my costume from 30 feet away, thought of a funny and appropriate-to-Shaun of the Dead remark, and yelled it to me. In that moment, to me, he was truly New York's finest.
Bravo, cop. Bravo.
*One of said friends being inimitable children's literature blogger Betsy "Fuse #8," who gave The Flop House a beautiful shout-out over at her School Library Journal site. Thanks to her for that, although god knows what her audience will make of the podcast. Thankfully she makes clear just how profane we tend to get.
Monday, October 29, 2007
The Flop House Episode Five is ONLINE
In the second of our special Halloween episodes, the gang gets caught in the deathtrap that is Saw III. Meanwhile, Simon spins an elaborate handstand analogy, Stuart gets turned on by Icyface, and Dan offers Jigsaw's girlfriend a little relationship advice.
Download it here, or paste theflophouse.libsyn.com/rss into iTunes (or your favorite podcatching software) to have new episodes delivered to you directly, as they're released.
0:00 - 0:40 - Introduction and the special "Halloween Remix" Flop House Theme
0:40 - 2:31 - Partial synopsis of Saw III, courtesy of Wikipedia
2:32 - 29:49 - Does unremitting torture and pain appeal to you? Then, why not watch Saw III, so you can experience a little of it? ZING! You got zinged, Saw III!
29:50 - 32:53 - Final judgements.
32:54 - 36:57 - The sad bastards recommend.
36:58 - 39:00 - THE SHOCKING DENOUMENT!
39:01 - 43:00 - Podcasty business, next show teaser, goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.
Download it here, or paste theflophouse.libsyn.com/rss into iTunes (or your favorite podcatching software) to have new episodes delivered to you directly, as they're released.
0:00 - 0:40 - Introduction and the special "Halloween Remix" Flop House Theme
0:40 - 2:31 - Partial synopsis of Saw III, courtesy of Wikipedia
2:32 - 29:49 - Does unremitting torture and pain appeal to you? Then, why not watch Saw III, so you can experience a little of it? ZING! You got zinged, Saw III!
29:50 - 32:53 - Final judgements.
32:54 - 36:57 - The sad bastards recommend.
36:58 - 39:00 - THE SHOCKING DENOUMENT!
39:01 - 43:00 - Podcasty business, next show teaser, goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Zombira RETURNS FROM THE GRAVE
Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular, the sketch show that played to full and delighted houses last October is back for this Halloween season! It sports half the original cast, and half NEW BLOOD, but all the sketches from last year will be represented, as well as an all-new bonus sketch, at no additional charge to you, the discerning Halloween sketch show consumer. Whatta deal!The dates are Thursday the 25, Sunday the 28th, Monday the 29th, and Tuesday the 30th (so you don't have to miss any weekend Halloween party fun, to enjoy the show) at 8 PM. Thursday's preview performance is "pay what you can." Advance tickets are available (without any service charge!) at Brown Paper Tickets. We'll be sharing the bill with Jameson Bartleby's Haunted Hayride featuring Jeremiah Murphy (fans of the summer show might remember him as Sealegs McGoo), and the Disgraceland Family, a real live freak show. (Epiphone, the dramatic improvisors, come on after intermission, so if dramatic improv doesn't sound fun to you, that's the time to cut out.)
So come, celebrate your Halloween by seeing a bunch of people dressed up in silly costumes... uh... hmn... but, BUT, they'll be acting in funny scenes, instead of drunk off mulled cider in your buddy's apartment. And also...
SCHOOLGIRL CATFIGHT!!!
Friday, October 12, 2007
Halloween Video Cavalcade!
I used to be part of a monthly talk show called "The Primetime Kalan," with my friends Elliott and Erik. Last year around this time, we had our Halloween show, which we hosted as "Ghost Hunting Club of New York," three paranormal scholars who went to various locations in the NY area, trying to catch a ghost. (A side note: our guest for that show was The Daily Show's Dan Bakkedahl, who showed up in a helmet and knee pads, claiming that he thought we were the "Go Stunting" club.)
Anyway, it's taken a year for them to show up online, but here, for the very first time, are the Primetime Kalan Ghost Hunting Videos! (Cinematography courtesy of Brock Mahan)
Video One: "Grant's Tomb" - by Elliott Kalan
Video Two: "The Jersey Devil" - by Dan McCoy
Video Three: "The Yeti of Williamsburg" by Erik Marcisak
And, as a special bonus, I offer this fourth video. It was done by Elliott, Erik, and former show director-turned-Flavor-of-Love-editor Joe Guercio long before I was involved with the Kalan show. Still, you can see that this video share many of the same themes from the ghost hunting shorts (for instance, the conviction that pipes, 80's-style montages, and Photoshop are the tickets to comedy success), proving that it was inevitable that I'd join the group eventually.
Just one bit of background: R2-D2 was Elliott's "co-host" on his show, until they decided to abandon that bit. This video was produced to explain his absence from the show, but you don't really need to know that to enjoy the video, other than one or two stray comments.
WARNING: Do not watch if you are sensitive to violence against robots
"The End of R2-D2"
Anyway, it's taken a year for them to show up online, but here, for the very first time, are the Primetime Kalan Ghost Hunting Videos! (Cinematography courtesy of Brock Mahan)
Video One: "Grant's Tomb" - by Elliott Kalan
Video Two: "The Jersey Devil" - by Dan McCoy
Video Three: "The Yeti of Williamsburg" by Erik Marcisak
And, as a special bonus, I offer this fourth video. It was done by Elliott, Erik, and former show director-turned-Flavor-of-Love-editor Joe Guercio long before I was involved with the Kalan show. Still, you can see that this video share many of the same themes from the ghost hunting shorts (for instance, the conviction that pipes, 80's-style montages, and Photoshop are the tickets to comedy success), proving that it was inevitable that I'd join the group eventually.
Just one bit of background: R2-D2 was Elliott's "co-host" on his show, until they decided to abandon that bit. This video was produced to explain his absence from the show, but you don't really need to know that to enjoy the video, other than one or two stray comments.
WARNING: Do not watch if you are sensitive to violence against robots
"The End of R2-D2"
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Happy Halloween!
In honor of the holiday, and the end of our show, here are the scripts for my two sketches from Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular. Enjoy.
--
The Antichrist Has a Hot Mom
A CHILD, wearing a blazer and a small cap is onstage, along with his HOT MOM, who is wearing something sexy.
The MUSIC from The Omen plays in the background, fading out softly as the sketch unfolds.
SFX: Doorbell. The NANNY rushes to answer the door, letting in a PRIEST.
NANNY
Oh, thank God you’re here!
PRIEST
Settle down; settle down my son. There’s no point in giving into fear. Now are you the boy’s father?
NANNY
No, I’m their male nanny. He killed his father! Cut a pentagram into his chest, with an orange zester! Now it’s just me, the devil child, and his mother. The nanny indicates the child’s mother, and the priest does a take.
PRIEST
Hello! Jesus, that is one hot mom! It’s just you and her here, you say? Pretty sweet!
NANNY
Well, me and her and the boy. He’s the reason I called you here; remember?
PRIEST
Right, right. You say you think the boy is the antichrist… and… uh…
(looking at the mother, distracted)
What makes you say that?
NANNY
Well, there’s the patricide to start with… then there are the hellhounds that gather at his window when he cries; there’s the eyeless monk who foretold his birth; there’s his love for the movie Straight Talk, starring Dolly Parton and James Woods; there’s the time he immolated an entire bus of school…
PRIEST
(cutting him off)
I’m sorry, but—she… is… just so hot. I mean, look at those calves. And the…
(makes a breast motion)
…they’re like they never shrank after she stopped nursing. How old was she, when she had the spawn of Satan there?
NANNY
Um… I think she got pregnant right after high school, so probably… who cares!? Surely we should be strategizing about how to kill him, to prevent hell on Earth!
PRIEST
Right, right. Sorry, it’s just hard not to be distracted. She’s such a MALF.
A beat.
PRIEST
Mother of the Antichrist I’d like to F…
NANNY
(interrupting)
I get it.
PRIEST
I mean, I know the devil’s bad, but I have to give him his due—if I was going to impregnate someone with my infernal seed, I’d pick her!
(towards the ground/ hell)
My hat is off you sir!
NANNY
What is wrong with you? You’re a priest! You shouldn’t be congratulating Satan or talking about how much you’d like to screw the Antichrist’s mom!
PRIEST
Look, she’s not just any Antichrist’s mom…
NANNY
Shut up! Right now, you need to focus on averting the apocalypse!
PRIEST
Whatever. I wouldn’t expect a male nanny to understand.
NANNY
What’s that supposed to mean?
PRIEST
Nothing.
A beat.
NANNY
Oh, I get it. A male nanny. You’re saying I’m gay.
PRIEST
(shrugs)
NANNY
Oh come on!
PRIEST
It’s not because you’re a male nanny that you’re gay. It’s because you’re a male nanny and you don’t care how hot she is—that’s what makes you gay.
NANNY
I care! I’m just trying to save the world.
PRIEST
I mean, I’m a priest and I can barely keep it in my pants!
NANNY
I’m not gay!
PRIEST
Listen. I don’t care if you’re gay. I’m not that kind of priest. You’re cool with me. Just admit it, so we can get over this issue of why you don’t want to have sex with the Antichrist’s incredibly arousing, sensual, voluptuous, mom.
NANNY
Fine. I may be a little confused about my sexuality… but that doesn’t change the fact that you need to eradicate the devil’s spawn before we’re all doomed to an eternity of maggots and Dolly Parton movies.
PRIEST
Apology accepted.
NANNY
(pushing him towards the mom)
Get over there.
PRIEST
Er… hello there, ma’mn. I hear that you’re having a little Antichrist problem.
HOT MOM
(breathily)
Oh yes! It’s so horrible! He’s the spawn of my loins, so I’m attached to him, but I know that beneath it all, he’s pure… deviant… evil.
The priest has been leaning in closer and closer, reacting to the words “loins” and “deviant.” He recovers.
PRIEST
Well, the first thing to do, is to make sure that there are no other devil children in there.
(indicates her belly)
Sadly, you have been violated by Satan, and your womb may bear his sinful mark. The only possible solution is for a man of the cloth to have sex with you, to counteract any ill effects. If I may bravely volunteer—allow my liquids to be like a hot holy injection, cleansing you from within, in a spiritual eruption.
HOT MOM
Do you really think that will help?
PRIEST
(to audience)
Couldn’t hoit!
The priest does a take to the audience. Everyone freezes.
MUSIC: Merry Go Round Broke Down (the Merrie Melodies theme)
The Antichrist unfreezes and stabs the Male Nanny repeatedly. Everyone else remains frozen.
NANNY
Help! I’m getting killed! Why aren’t you doing anything?! Someone help me!
Blackout.
--
Slutty Costumes Sketch
Two women, LISA and ASHLEY, are onstage. Both wear slutty catholic schoolgirl costumes. They’re drinking punch and trying not to look at one another.
Music plays.. A third woman, KATHY, also wearing a slutty schoolgirl costume ENTERS, arm and arm with her DATE, who wears a normal shirt and an eyepatch.
KATHY
(entering)
I can’t wait for you to meet my friends. This is going to be the best Halloween party ev…
Kathy stops short, registering the two other women, also dressed as schoolgirls.
KATHY
(cont’d)
You have got to be fucking kidding me!
The other two schoolgirls notice her, and react.
LISA
Oh, no. No no. Not you too!
ASHLEY
(almost overlapping)
What are you wearing?!
KATHY
I’m wearing my slutty schoolgirl costume, what are you wearing?
LISA & ASHLEY
I’m wearing my slutty schoolgirl costume!
KATHY
This always happens! Lisa, I thought we agreed that you were going to be a slutty nurse!
LISA
Bullshit! You were supposed to be the slutty nurse!
KATHY
No, that was for last night’s Halloween party, where everyone showed up as slutty nurses, even though you were supposed to be a slutty angel, and Ashley was supposed to be a slutty French maid! Tonight, Saturday, I was supposed to be the slutty schoolgirl!
ASHLEY
(timidly)
I thought I was the slutty schoolgirl.
KATHY & LISA
You were supposed to be the slutty cavewoman!
ASHLEY
Slutty cavewoman?
LISA
You know—leopard skin dress?
ASHLEY
Sounds more like slutty jungle girl to me.
LISA
Whatever! The point is: I’m the slutty schoolgirl!
KATHY
No, I am!
A fourth woman, SANDI, enters, wearing a slutty cat costume.
SANDI
Hi guys! What’s going on? Why aren’t you all wearing your slutty cat costumes?
KATHY
Sandi. What… The fuck… Are you talking about?
SANDI
You know, how we all planned to be slutty cats.
(she makes a half-hearted cat-scratch motion)
Meow!
KATHY
Why would we all want to dress up as slutty cats for Halloween?
SANDI
You’re all dressed the same!
LISA
It’s a mistake!
SANDI
Whatever. I just don’t know why you’d ruin things like this, since we always all dress up as slutty cats. That’s our thing. We’re the group of girls that dresses as slutty cats.
KATHY
We all dressed up as slutty cats ONCE—five years ago!
LISA
By mistake!
ASHLEY
And ever since you’ve been dressing up as a slutty cat every year, and trying to get the rest of us to join your slutty cat gang, even though we all know that you were supposed to be a slutty policewoman! I’m beginning to think you just have some sort of slutty cat fetish!
SANDI
(she does)
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
ASHLEY
I don’t even get the slutty cat thing. What is it? Are guys supposed to want to fuck a cat? I don’t understand!
LISA
Ashley, stop bugging Sandi about her deep-seated need to be a slutty cat. The important thing is that you guys always wear the wrong thing, and I was supposed to be the slutty schoolgirl!
KATHY
No you weren’t! Do you want me to check the slutty calendar?!
LISA
Fine!
Kathy whips out the slutty calendar, which is a calendar made up entirely of October 31st’s
KATHY
Here we go—Halloween 2006. Ashley: slutty cavewoman, Sandy: slutty policewoman—definitely not slutty cat,
(triumphantly)
Lisa: slutty nurse, and Kathy: slutty schoolgirl. While we’re at it, why not go over next year?! Ashley: slutty secretary, Sandy: slutty cheerleader, Lisa: slutty Cleopatra, and Kathy: slutty superhero! 2008 Ashley: slutty robot, Sandy: slutty meter maid, Lisa: slutty MTA worker, and Kathy: slutty World War II bombadier! 2009 Ashley: slutty Attorney General, Sandy: slutty circus strongwoman, Lisa: slutty 1930’s aviatrix, and Kathy: slutty slut! 2010…
LISA
(interrupting)
How do we know that slutty calendar isn’t a slutty forgery!
SANDI
Yeah! I think Kathy’s really dressed as a slutty bitch!
KATHY
You whores!
She runs at them, as if to fight, but her date (on the sidelines until now) restrains her.
DATE
Ladies, ladies! Calm down. I think you’ve all been fighting so much, that you’ve forgotten the true meaning of slutty costumes…
INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC rises in the background.
DATE (cont’d)
Namely, to get super drunk, grind one-another on the dance floor, and to come onto men—men who’ve barely put any thought into their costumes at all.
There is general agreement from all the girls. They’re coming around.
DATE (cont’d)
To me, you’re all equally slutty … even slutty cat, who does indeed do something for me, for reasons I can’t quite justify or comprehend. In fact, you’re all so slutty that I’m contemplating asking all of you to come home with me tonight, and I think you’d be totally into that. Plus, I’ll let you in on a little secret---
(flipping his eye patch up)
Beneath this half-assed pirate costume, I’m a bit of a slut too.
MUSIC ENDS. A beat.
DATE (cont'd)
Now let’s go back to my place, where I have several gallons of Mike’s Hard Lemonade!
All the women cheer. The four partygoers exit arm-in-arm.
Blackout
--
The Antichrist Has a Hot Mom
A CHILD, wearing a blazer and a small cap is onstage, along with his HOT MOM, who is wearing something sexy.
The MUSIC from The Omen plays in the background, fading out softly as the sketch unfolds.
SFX: Doorbell. The NANNY rushes to answer the door, letting in a PRIEST.
NANNY
Oh, thank God you’re here!
PRIEST
Settle down; settle down my son. There’s no point in giving into fear. Now are you the boy’s father?
NANNY
No, I’m their male nanny. He killed his father! Cut a pentagram into his chest, with an orange zester! Now it’s just me, the devil child, and his mother. The nanny indicates the child’s mother, and the priest does a take.
PRIEST
Hello! Jesus, that is one hot mom! It’s just you and her here, you say? Pretty sweet!
NANNY
Well, me and her and the boy. He’s the reason I called you here; remember?
PRIEST
Right, right. You say you think the boy is the antichrist… and… uh…
(looking at the mother, distracted)
What makes you say that?
NANNY
Well, there’s the patricide to start with… then there are the hellhounds that gather at his window when he cries; there’s the eyeless monk who foretold his birth; there’s his love for the movie Straight Talk, starring Dolly Parton and James Woods; there’s the time he immolated an entire bus of school…
PRIEST
(cutting him off)
I’m sorry, but—she… is… just so hot. I mean, look at those calves. And the…
(makes a breast motion)
…they’re like they never shrank after she stopped nursing. How old was she, when she had the spawn of Satan there?
NANNY
Um… I think she got pregnant right after high school, so probably… who cares!? Surely we should be strategizing about how to kill him, to prevent hell on Earth!
PRIEST
Right, right. Sorry, it’s just hard not to be distracted. She’s such a MALF.
A beat.
PRIEST
Mother of the Antichrist I’d like to F…
NANNY
(interrupting)
I get it.
PRIEST
I mean, I know the devil’s bad, but I have to give him his due—if I was going to impregnate someone with my infernal seed, I’d pick her!
(towards the ground/ hell)
My hat is off you sir!
NANNY
What is wrong with you? You’re a priest! You shouldn’t be congratulating Satan or talking about how much you’d like to screw the Antichrist’s mom!
PRIEST
Look, she’s not just any Antichrist’s mom…
NANNY
Shut up! Right now, you need to focus on averting the apocalypse!
PRIEST
Whatever. I wouldn’t expect a male nanny to understand.
NANNY
What’s that supposed to mean?
PRIEST
Nothing.
A beat.
NANNY
Oh, I get it. A male nanny. You’re saying I’m gay.
PRIEST
(shrugs)
NANNY
Oh come on!
PRIEST
It’s not because you’re a male nanny that you’re gay. It’s because you’re a male nanny and you don’t care how hot she is—that’s what makes you gay.
NANNY
I care! I’m just trying to save the world.
PRIEST
I mean, I’m a priest and I can barely keep it in my pants!
NANNY
I’m not gay!
PRIEST
Listen. I don’t care if you’re gay. I’m not that kind of priest. You’re cool with me. Just admit it, so we can get over this issue of why you don’t want to have sex with the Antichrist’s incredibly arousing, sensual, voluptuous, mom.
NANNY
Fine. I may be a little confused about my sexuality… but that doesn’t change the fact that you need to eradicate the devil’s spawn before we’re all doomed to an eternity of maggots and Dolly Parton movies.
PRIEST
Apology accepted.
NANNY
(pushing him towards the mom)
Get over there.
PRIEST
Er… hello there, ma’mn. I hear that you’re having a little Antichrist problem.
HOT MOM
(breathily)
Oh yes! It’s so horrible! He’s the spawn of my loins, so I’m attached to him, but I know that beneath it all, he’s pure… deviant… evil.
The priest has been leaning in closer and closer, reacting to the words “loins” and “deviant.” He recovers.
PRIEST
Well, the first thing to do, is to make sure that there are no other devil children in there.
(indicates her belly)
Sadly, you have been violated by Satan, and your womb may bear his sinful mark. The only possible solution is for a man of the cloth to have sex with you, to counteract any ill effects. If I may bravely volunteer—allow my liquids to be like a hot holy injection, cleansing you from within, in a spiritual eruption.
HOT MOM
Do you really think that will help?
PRIEST
(to audience)
Couldn’t hoit!
The priest does a take to the audience. Everyone freezes.
MUSIC: Merry Go Round Broke Down (the Merrie Melodies theme)
The Antichrist unfreezes and stabs the Male Nanny repeatedly. Everyone else remains frozen.
NANNY
Help! I’m getting killed! Why aren’t you doing anything?! Someone help me!
Blackout.
--
Slutty Costumes Sketch
Two women, LISA and ASHLEY, are onstage. Both wear slutty catholic schoolgirl costumes. They’re drinking punch and trying not to look at one another.
Music plays.. A third woman, KATHY, also wearing a slutty schoolgirl costume ENTERS, arm and arm with her DATE, who wears a normal shirt and an eyepatch.
KATHY
(entering)
I can’t wait for you to meet my friends. This is going to be the best Halloween party ev…
Kathy stops short, registering the two other women, also dressed as schoolgirls.
KATHY
(cont’d)
You have got to be fucking kidding me!
The other two schoolgirls notice her, and react.
LISA
Oh, no. No no. Not you too!
ASHLEY
(almost overlapping)
What are you wearing?!
KATHY
I’m wearing my slutty schoolgirl costume, what are you wearing?
LISA & ASHLEY
I’m wearing my slutty schoolgirl costume!
KATHY
This always happens! Lisa, I thought we agreed that you were going to be a slutty nurse!
LISA
Bullshit! You were supposed to be the slutty nurse!
KATHY
No, that was for last night’s Halloween party, where everyone showed up as slutty nurses, even though you were supposed to be a slutty angel, and Ashley was supposed to be a slutty French maid! Tonight, Saturday, I was supposed to be the slutty schoolgirl!
ASHLEY
(timidly)
I thought I was the slutty schoolgirl.
KATHY & LISA
You were supposed to be the slutty cavewoman!
ASHLEY
Slutty cavewoman?
LISA
You know—leopard skin dress?
ASHLEY
Sounds more like slutty jungle girl to me.
LISA
Whatever! The point is: I’m the slutty schoolgirl!
KATHY
No, I am!
A fourth woman, SANDI, enters, wearing a slutty cat costume.
SANDI
Hi guys! What’s going on? Why aren’t you all wearing your slutty cat costumes?
KATHY
Sandi. What… The fuck… Are you talking about?
SANDI
You know, how we all planned to be slutty cats.
(she makes a half-hearted cat-scratch motion)
Meow!
KATHY
Why would we all want to dress up as slutty cats for Halloween?
SANDI
You’re all dressed the same!
LISA
It’s a mistake!
SANDI
Whatever. I just don’t know why you’d ruin things like this, since we always all dress up as slutty cats. That’s our thing. We’re the group of girls that dresses as slutty cats.
KATHY
We all dressed up as slutty cats ONCE—five years ago!
LISA
By mistake!
ASHLEY
And ever since you’ve been dressing up as a slutty cat every year, and trying to get the rest of us to join your slutty cat gang, even though we all know that you were supposed to be a slutty policewoman! I’m beginning to think you just have some sort of slutty cat fetish!
SANDI
(she does)
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
ASHLEY
I don’t even get the slutty cat thing. What is it? Are guys supposed to want to fuck a cat? I don’t understand!
LISA
Ashley, stop bugging Sandi about her deep-seated need to be a slutty cat. The important thing is that you guys always wear the wrong thing, and I was supposed to be the slutty schoolgirl!
KATHY
No you weren’t! Do you want me to check the slutty calendar?!
LISA
Fine!
Kathy whips out the slutty calendar, which is a calendar made up entirely of October 31st’s
KATHY
Here we go—Halloween 2006. Ashley: slutty cavewoman, Sandy: slutty policewoman—definitely not slutty cat,
(triumphantly)
Lisa: slutty nurse, and Kathy: slutty schoolgirl. While we’re at it, why not go over next year?! Ashley: slutty secretary, Sandy: slutty cheerleader, Lisa: slutty Cleopatra, and Kathy: slutty superhero! 2008 Ashley: slutty robot, Sandy: slutty meter maid, Lisa: slutty MTA worker, and Kathy: slutty World War II bombadier! 2009 Ashley: slutty Attorney General, Sandy: slutty circus strongwoman, Lisa: slutty 1930’s aviatrix, and Kathy: slutty slut! 2010…
LISA
(interrupting)
How do we know that slutty calendar isn’t a slutty forgery!
SANDI
Yeah! I think Kathy’s really dressed as a slutty bitch!
KATHY
You whores!
She runs at them, as if to fight, but her date (on the sidelines until now) restrains her.
DATE
Ladies, ladies! Calm down. I think you’ve all been fighting so much, that you’ve forgotten the true meaning of slutty costumes…
INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC rises in the background.
DATE (cont’d)
Namely, to get super drunk, grind one-another on the dance floor, and to come onto men—men who’ve barely put any thought into their costumes at all.
There is general agreement from all the girls. They’re coming around.
DATE (cont’d)
To me, you’re all equally slutty … even slutty cat, who does indeed do something for me, for reasons I can’t quite justify or comprehend. In fact, you’re all so slutty that I’m contemplating asking all of you to come home with me tonight, and I think you’d be totally into that. Plus, I’ll let you in on a little secret---
(flipping his eye patch up)
Beneath this half-assed pirate costume, I’m a bit of a slut too.
MUSIC ENDS. A beat.
DATE (cont'd)
Now let’s go back to my place, where I have several gallons of Mike’s Hard Lemonade!
All the women cheer. The four partygoers exit arm-in-arm.
Blackout
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Zombira's Second (and last) SMASH WEEK!
You have two more chances to see our sketch show, Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular, this Thursday the 26th and Friday the 27th. Hear my words (along with those of two other funny writers). See me act. Eat candy corn. Why not?
Zombira shares a laugh with her boyfriend.
Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular
October 26, & 27, at 8 pm
@ The Sage Theater
235 W. 48th St., Suite 26 B
Manhattan
Schoolgirls fight over who is the most studious.
Tickets are $10 at the door (2-for-1 with a student ID) or $7 via online advance purchase.
Zombira shares a laugh with her boyfriend.
Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular
October 26, & 27, at 8 pm
@ The Sage Theater
235 W. 48th St., Suite 26 B
Manhattan
Schoolgirls fight over who is the most studious.
Tickets are $10 at the door (2-for-1 with a student ID) or $7 via online advance purchase.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Big Weekend: Shows Tonight, Tomorrow, and Saturday!
Hey all. Tonight marks the premiere of Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular (A Sketch Show). Because tonight's show is "in previews," it will be pay-what-you-like for one night only! Otherwise, tickets are $10 at the door (2-for-1 with a student ID) or $7 via online advance purchase.
The show is running as part of MC2's Big Bang, with This Just In, an improvised show based on the news, Latch-a-Kee, a solo show set at a Native American camp for the arts, and a musical guest (on October 19 and 26 the musical guest will be Erin and her Cello; and on the 20th and 27th, it's Huckleberry Slim, the "Wu-Tang porch band").
Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular
October 19, 20, 26, & 27, at 8 pm
@ The Sage Theater
235 W. 48th St., Suite 26 B
Manhattan
I wrote 1/3 of the Scaretaculous Horrortacular, and will be acting in it. Woo. You can see it tonight and tomorrow (as well as Thursday and Friday of next week). And I promise that, after that, you'll never again see the graphic below.
Then, on Saturday, you can come see me in The Primetime Kalan, the only show hosted by Daily Show associate producer (and Metro columnist) Elliot Kalan. Written by, and featuring Elliott,
Erik Marcisak, and myself. This episode will feature special guest Dan Bakkadahl, also of The Daily Show, but in that more famous, in-front-of-the-camera way. He'll be sure to get up to some sort of shenanigans, the little scamp.
Also, Saturday's show will be a very special meeting of the Ghost Hunters' Club of New York. We will be presenting video evidence of our recent brushes with the supernatural. Attend only if you dare.
And following the show, stick around. As part of our post-Kalan "Bad Movie Night," we will be screening the classic Feeders 2: Slay Bells, in which the only thing standing between Earth and some bloodthirsty aliens, is a ray-gun toting Santa Claus. Much beer will be drunk and fun will be made. So please, come on out.
The Primetime Kalan
Saturday, October 21, 8:30 pm
@ Jimmy's 43 43
East 7th Street,
Manhattan
Tix: $5
The show is running as part of MC2's Big Bang, with This Just In, an improvised show based on the news, Latch-a-Kee, a solo show set at a Native American camp for the arts, and a musical guest (on October 19 and 26 the musical guest will be Erin and her Cello; and on the 20th and 27th, it's Huckleberry Slim, the "Wu-Tang porch band").
Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular
October 19, 20, 26, & 27, at 8 pm
@ The Sage Theater
235 W. 48th St., Suite 26 B
Manhattan
I wrote 1/3 of the Scaretaculous Horrortacular, and will be acting in it. Woo. You can see it tonight and tomorrow (as well as Thursday and Friday of next week). And I promise that, after that, you'll never again see the graphic below.
Then, on Saturday, you can come see me in The Primetime Kalan, the only show hosted by Daily Show associate producer (and Metro columnist) Elliot Kalan. Written by, and featuring Elliott,
Erik Marcisak, and myself. This episode will feature special guest Dan Bakkadahl, also of The Daily Show, but in that more famous, in-front-of-the-camera way. He'll be sure to get up to some sort of shenanigans, the little scamp.
Also, Saturday's show will be a very special meeting of the Ghost Hunters' Club of New York. We will be presenting video evidence of our recent brushes with the supernatural. Attend only if you dare.
And following the show, stick around. As part of our post-Kalan "Bad Movie Night," we will be screening the classic Feeders 2: Slay Bells, in which the only thing standing between Earth and some bloodthirsty aliens, is a ray-gun toting Santa Claus. Much beer will be drunk and fun will be made. So please, come on out.
The Primetime Kalan
Saturday, October 21, 8:30 pm
@ Jimmy's 43 43
East 7th Street,
Manhattan
Tix: $5
Monday, October 16, 2006
The Primetime Kalan: This Saturday the 21st!
A new episode of The Primetime Kalan lands this Saturday. You've already heard what I have to say about it. What sez Elliott?
--
--
BOOO, Kalan fans!
It's October, and you know what that means! Time to get into the Halloween spirit. And what better way to do so than by seeing a comedy show ten days before the actual holiday?
Exactly. This is why, on Saturday, October 21st, THE PRIMETIME KALAN, will do something a little different, and allow the select few elite who buy tickets to our show enter the first annual meeting of the ultra-exclusive, ultra-secretive, ultra-amateur GHOST HUNTING CLUB OF NEW YORK! Experience the spine-tingling excitement of possible supernatural discovery as the GHOST HUNTING CLUB OF NEW YORK reveals the results of its latest forays into the unknown!
And as if that weren't enough, special guest DAN BAKKEDAHL ("The Daily Show") will be with us to share his own experiences with the paranormal.
Do you DARE come to this comedy show? Yes. You do.
THE PRIMETIME KALAN
Saturday, Oct. 21st, 8:30pm
Saturday, Oct. 21st, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy 43
43 East 7th Street
(between 2nd and 3rd Ave.)
Tix: $5
Thursday, September 14, 2006
New Sketch Show Coming in October
I don't have all the details to pass along to you kids yet, but keep an eye on this space. I've been working on a new Halloween-themed sketch show with some friends, and it's finally got a venue (the Sage Theater), some dates (October 19, 26, 27, and 29) and a name (Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular).
So if you like Halloween, comedy, Halloween-themed comedy, or comedy-themed Halloween, mark your calendars. More to come...
Creepy lips-sewn-together-baby would tell you to attend, except for... well, you know.
So if you like Halloween, comedy, Halloween-themed comedy, or comedy-themed Halloween, mark your calendars. More to come...
Creepy lips-sewn-together-baby would tell you to attend, except for... well, you know.
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