Monday, August 21, 2006

In Which I Introduce You to My Excellent Squad of American Footballers

I was never much of a sports fan growing up. Or after growing up. Or at this precise moment. Perhaps it's because of all the jocks who beat me when I was growing up... or are beating me at this moment. It's difficult to say.

Still, I've recently fskldjfasjdvlkamsdv;akl...

Sorry about that. It's hard to type with all these jocks beating me up. What I meant to say was this: I've recently found my entree into the sports world, through fantasy football, which is the world's fastest growing hobby among young men, according to statistics collected by the part of my brain that makes stuff up. "Why not jump aboard that train?" I thought. "Fantasy football-- that sounds like fun."

So, vast Internets, allow me to introduce my fantasy football league:

The Brooklyn Good-At-Footballs

Coach: Dan McCoy


Zondar the Maleficent, riding Butterfly, his unicorn. Whatever fantasy football team the Good-At-Footballs take on, they are sure to cower at the sight of this Galmorian Berserker, fully equipped with a trebuchet, which he uses to launch the football (or "stitched boarskin orb") as much as two miles. Butterfly may look girlish, but you should see him impale the opposing quarterback's skull on his mighty horn. Plus, his eyes shoot rainbows!

Running Backs:

Made up entirely of the Cheetah Men of the vast and dusty Fastlands, who run at speeds beyond human comprehension.


Kaftar will incapacitate you with his poisonous whiskers, while taunting you with his contemptuous battle cry of "Meow."

Wide Receivers:

A team of oafish giants, bred by a Slovarian slave trader to be the widest and receivingest creatures in the land!

Tight Ends:

A group of buxom cheerleaders who spend the entire season soaping one another in the locker room. Wait-- that's my football fantasy, not fantasy football. Um, ignore that... for now.

Defensive Backs:

A family of cloned Triceratops, genetically modified for increased weight, increased armor strength, and increased knowledge of football.


Viking warriors, each equipped with Gondovian Battle Axes, which are noted for their capacity to cut through helmets and knee pads.


Strongthar of The Powerful Leg-Foot-Toe-Area, who, in addition to being the strongest and most accurate kicker of things in all the land, happens to be a powerful wizard, familiar with "The Spell of Always Winning Football Games," which makes the rest of the team kind of unnecessary.

I'll match my fantasy football team against yours any day, fellow men! So heed my call, possessors of Y chromosomes. Any takers, or are you too girl-like?


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