The joke submitting season begins anew, and another crop of jokes withers and dies, to be reborn on my poorly-read blog...
Marcel Marceau, the world famous French mime, died this week at the age of 84, after a long battle with invisible walls.
China has banned "sexually provocative sounds" on television. Bad news for their hit show, “Squish Squish Moan Squirt.”
The Los Angeles City Attorney has filed hit and run charges against Britney Spears relating to in an incident in August, although her defense attorney argued that Britney hasn’t had a hit in years.
A new report says that there are now fewer gay characters on television than in previous years with only seven characters on the five broadcast networks, six of which were Rosie O’Donnell.
According to a new bill introduced in Congress, airlines would be required to set aside a place within the cabin where parents could seat their children out of range of PG-13 or R-rated movies shown on overhead screens. Also according to that bill: YOU will be seated directly in front of those children.
Columbia University's president sparked a controversy this week when he defended Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's appearance on campus by saying that he would also have allowed Hitler to speak to the students – a stance that seems less brave, when you consider that Hitler would address the crowd in German, and is also a corpse.
NASA's chief said Monday that the space agency plans to put a man on Mars by 2037. And, with luck, that man will be Dick Cheney.
In a rare trip outside the National Archives, the Emancipation Proclamation is on display for four days in Little Rock, prompting a few residents to say, “Lincoln did what now?”
According to a new study, germs such as salmonella that go into space on a rocket, come back to Earth stronger and deadlier… which is why experts recommend never eating a chicken salad sandwich that’s been to space and back on a rocket.
Google has blocked a bid to trademark the name "JewTube," because it sounds too similar to their YouTube video sharing site. Business analysts were not surprised that the bid was cut short, as they had predicted that any JewTube would be circumcised.
Showing posts with label rejected SNL Weekend Update jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rejected SNL Weekend Update jokes. Show all posts
Monday, October 01, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
Recycling Center: Rejected Jokes Edition
The rejection never ends...
Animal activists in Serbia are upset by a plan to sedate more than 300 horses stabled at Belgrade's racecourse to keep them calm during a Rolling Stones concert, especially in light of Mick Jagger’s well-publicized claim that wild horses couldn’t drag him away.
This weekend is the White House Correspondents' Association dinner, and Rich Little has been hired to perform. Unfortunately for the White House, he’ll be doing his impression of Steven Colbert.
A 2 and 1/3 inch Faberge chair sold for 2.28 million dollars at Sotheby's on Tuesday, leading onlookers to exclaim, “Man that is one rich mouse.”
A New York City planning subcommittee has opposed a permit for the annual San Gennaro Festival in Little Italy, saying the street fair is too raucous and an inconvenience for residents. Citing similar reasons, the committee also denied a permit to New York City.
A new trend in New York City are "Cuddle Parties," which are drug and alcohol free environments where people meet to explore communication, boundaries, intimacy and nonsexual touch, creating a sensitive new way for guys to get blue balls.
A new fragrance will launched this summer called Coney Island, and will have a combination of smells, including Margarita mix, tequila, chocolate, and caramel, recreating the authentic experience of falling into a real Coney Island dumpster.
An Australian man spent 13 days living underwater in a "biosub," which created oxygen for him from algae that was watered with his recycled urine, and was powered by an exercise bike, which, experts agree, is the best way to smell like urine-soaked algae.
According to a report on global warming by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, the biggest threat to New York City is increased risk of floods, power outages, and being crushed by falling air conditioners.
Plans are underway for a Spider-Man musical on Broadway, with Julie Taymor from the Lion King set to direct and music by Bono and the Edge. A warning to those in the front row: you will get webbed.
Animal activists in Serbia are upset by a plan to sedate more than 300 horses stabled at Belgrade's racecourse to keep them calm during a Rolling Stones concert, especially in light of Mick Jagger’s well-publicized claim that wild horses couldn’t drag him away.
This weekend is the White House Correspondents' Association dinner, and Rich Little has been hired to perform. Unfortunately for the White House, he’ll be doing his impression of Steven Colbert.
A 2 and 1/3 inch Faberge chair sold for 2.28 million dollars at Sotheby's on Tuesday, leading onlookers to exclaim, “Man that is one rich mouse.”
A New York City planning subcommittee has opposed a permit for the annual San Gennaro Festival in Little Italy, saying the street fair is too raucous and an inconvenience for residents. Citing similar reasons, the committee also denied a permit to New York City.
A new trend in New York City are "Cuddle Parties," which are drug and alcohol free environments where people meet to explore communication, boundaries, intimacy and nonsexual touch, creating a sensitive new way for guys to get blue balls.
A new fragrance will launched this summer called Coney Island, and will have a combination of smells, including Margarita mix, tequila, chocolate, and caramel, recreating the authentic experience of falling into a real Coney Island dumpster.
An Australian man spent 13 days living underwater in a "biosub," which created oxygen for him from algae that was watered with his recycled urine, and was powered by an exercise bike, which, experts agree, is the best way to smell like urine-soaked algae.
According to a report on global warming by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, the biggest threat to New York City is increased risk of floods, power outages, and being crushed by falling air conditioners.
Plans are underway for a Spider-Man musical on Broadway, with Julie Taymor from the Lion King set to direct and music by Bono and the Edge. A warning to those in the front row: you will get webbed.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Recycling Center: Rejected Jokes Edition
Turn around, bright eyes...
The former home of Johnny Cash, which is now owned by Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees, burned to the ground Tuesday afternoon after a spark ignited a wood preservative applied to the interior of the lakeside house, leading to a fistfight in the New York Post offices, over whether they should go with the headline “Ring of Fire” or “Disco Inferno.”
Don Imus on Thursday raised nearly 1 million dollars for various charities in the first five hours of his annual radio fundraiser, although few believed him when he claimed the phrase “nappy headed ho’s” actually referred to his charity work with narcoleptic hookers.
A new theme park in England has opened called Dickens World, which dedicated to the author Charles Dickens. It’s no relation to the Dickens World in Amsterdam, which is dedicated to… other things.
A police search of former astronaut Lisa Nowak's car turned up bondage photos on a computer disk, British currency, and pills. Let me get this straight: an astronaut is still storing her bondage photos on disk?
Starting Wednesday, Russia refused to renew the licenses of the last two adoption agencies operating there, effectively preventing Americans from adopting Russian children, although you can still pick them out of a catalogue and marry them.
The North Carolina State Attorney General on Wednesday criticized the "rogue" district attorney who prosecuted the false rape charges against the Duke Lacrosse players, while Jerry Bruckheimer heard the phrase “rogue district attorney” and immediately put a script into development.
IRS officials said this week that Singer Marc Anthony must pay 2.5 million dollars in back taxes or face prosecution, although he has been cleared of regicide in that Julius Ceasar matter.
The former home of Johnny Cash, which is now owned by Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees, burned to the ground Tuesday afternoon after a spark ignited a wood preservative applied to the interior of the lakeside house, leading to a fistfight in the New York Post offices, over whether they should go with the headline “Ring of Fire” or “Disco Inferno.”
Don Imus on Thursday raised nearly 1 million dollars for various charities in the first five hours of his annual radio fundraiser, although few believed him when he claimed the phrase “nappy headed ho’s” actually referred to his charity work with narcoleptic hookers.
A new theme park in England has opened called Dickens World, which dedicated to the author Charles Dickens. It’s no relation to the Dickens World in Amsterdam, which is dedicated to… other things.
A police search of former astronaut Lisa Nowak's car turned up bondage photos on a computer disk, British currency, and pills. Let me get this straight: an astronaut is still storing her bondage photos on disk?
Starting Wednesday, Russia refused to renew the licenses of the last two adoption agencies operating there, effectively preventing Americans from adopting Russian children, although you can still pick them out of a catalogue and marry them.
The North Carolina State Attorney General on Wednesday criticized the "rogue" district attorney who prosecuted the false rape charges against the Duke Lacrosse players, while Jerry Bruckheimer heard the phrase “rogue district attorney” and immediately put a script into development.
IRS officials said this week that Singer Marc Anthony must pay 2.5 million dollars in back taxes or face prosecution, although he has been cleared of regicide in that Julius Ceasar matter.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Recycling Center: Rejected Jokes Edition
Jokes may come and go, but rejection is eternal...
In an interview, Naomi Campbell says that yoga and anger management classes have helped her calm down, saying, “It’s amazing how calming it can be, to stretch and twist the body of my assistant.”
This year's MTV Movie Awards will feature a new category called "Best Movie Spoof," which will award the best original movie parody by fans, and prove there’s no limit to the things America can put snakes on.
The University of Illinois voted to retire their Indian mascot Chief Illiniwek. His retirement will be spent in a series of ever-smaller closets, until school expansion forces him to be donated to a local casino.
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales on Tuesday admitted, "mistakes were made," in the firings of eight top prosecutors, while Democrats threatened to subpoena whomever the passive voice referred to.
The Senate voted 89 to 9 Wednesday to begin its first formal debate on the Iraq war since Democrats took control of Congress in January. And whoever wins gets to go to the national debate team finals in… Washington D.C.? What a rip.
It was reported that Scarlett Johansson may play the lead role in a stage revival of South Pacific, leading thousands of men to volunteer to be washed right out of her hair.
Court TV has announced that it will change its name in January since most of its line-up has little to do with the courtroom. So next year, keep an eye out for its new name, “Reruns of ‘Cops’ TV.”
A man in Montana told police that he was not to blame for crashing his truck into a light post, since a unicorn was driving at the time. The unicorn became distracted after passing motorists encouraged the truck driver to honk his horn.
Angelina Jolie arrived in Vietnam on Wednesday where she is expected to adopt a 3 year-old boy, or, possibly, three one-year-old boys.
France's highest court annulled the country's only same-sex marriage this week, ruling that "under French law, marriage is a union between a man and a woman." Because if anyone’s for protecting the sanctity of marriage, it’s the French.
In an interview, Naomi Campbell says that yoga and anger management classes have helped her calm down, saying, “It’s amazing how calming it can be, to stretch and twist the body of my assistant.”
This year's MTV Movie Awards will feature a new category called "Best Movie Spoof," which will award the best original movie parody by fans, and prove there’s no limit to the things America can put snakes on.
The University of Illinois voted to retire their Indian mascot Chief Illiniwek. His retirement will be spent in a series of ever-smaller closets, until school expansion forces him to be donated to a local casino.
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales on Tuesday admitted, "mistakes were made," in the firings of eight top prosecutors, while Democrats threatened to subpoena whomever the passive voice referred to.
The Senate voted 89 to 9 Wednesday to begin its first formal debate on the Iraq war since Democrats took control of Congress in January. And whoever wins gets to go to the national debate team finals in… Washington D.C.? What a rip.
It was reported that Scarlett Johansson may play the lead role in a stage revival of South Pacific, leading thousands of men to volunteer to be washed right out of her hair.
Court TV has announced that it will change its name in January since most of its line-up has little to do with the courtroom. So next year, keep an eye out for its new name, “Reruns of ‘Cops’ TV.”
A man in Montana told police that he was not to blame for crashing his truck into a light post, since a unicorn was driving at the time. The unicorn became distracted after passing motorists encouraged the truck driver to honk his horn.
Angelina Jolie arrived in Vietnam on Wednesday where she is expected to adopt a 3 year-old boy, or, possibly, three one-year-old boys.
France's highest court annulled the country's only same-sex marriage this week, ruling that "under French law, marriage is a union between a man and a woman." Because if anyone’s for protecting the sanctity of marriage, it’s the French.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Recycling Center: Rejected Jokes Edition
Zango!...
Israel's chief rabbi said in a religious ruling Tuesday that Jews must not wear fur skinned from live animals in order to prevent cruelty to animals. As a replacement, they suggested a stylish “foreskin coat.”
Prime Minister Tony Blair announced Wednesday that he will start pulling British troops out of Iraq next month, or, to put it in terms they understand, a “fortnight.”
Gambia's President Yahya Jammeh is claiming that his concoction of green herbal paste and bananas can cure AIDS, although you don’t want to know where you put the bananas.
It was reported that Britney Spears shaved her head after a fight with Kevin Federline, in which he threatened to have her hair tested to find out what drugs she has been using, proving once again that there’s nothing more entertaining than watching these two outsmart each-other.
Archeologists unveiled the tombs Tuesday of a Pharaonic butler and a scribe that have been buried for more than 3000 years. A preliminary autopsy on the scribe indicates the butler did it.
A man who was fired by IBM for visiting an adult chat room at work is suing the company for 5 million dollars, claiming he is an Internet addict who deserves treatment and sympathy rather than dismissal, especially since he’s supporting a wife and three women who spell Cindi with an “I.”
Australian officials plan to restrict and eventually ban the sale of incandescent light bulbs in an effort to cut greenhouse gas emissions by 4 million tons by 2012, reduce household power bills by up to 66 percent, and dramatically limit the number of Australians required to screw in a lightbulb.
Bill Gates said this week that he limits the amount of time his 10 year-old daughter can spend on the computer to 45 minutes a day for games, and 2 hours for removing spyware
Monday, February 12, 2007
Recycling Center: Rejected Jokes Edition
Even better than the real thing...
Astronaut Lisa Nowak, who has been accused of attempted murder and kidnapping in a love triangle involving a fellow astronaut, was released on bail Tuesday but ordered to wear a monitoring device, and to not leave the planet.
While appearing on the Ellen DeGeneres show, Christina Aguilera revealed that she and her husband have "Naked Sundays," where they do everything naked, including cooking, followed by “Oil Burn Mondays.”
A 76 year-old woman from Malaysia, has been reunited with her family 25 years after she got on the wrong bus. Worse yet, the bus had no restrooms.
Archaeologists in Italy have discovered a couple buried 6000 years ago, still hugging each other. Their discovery will be reported in “Things Goths Find Romantic Magazine.”
A woman in China has launched a company where she hires herself out as a professional bridesmaid to help smooth over problems during weddings. It’s called “Always A Bridesmaid, Never A Bride – I Mean That in the Literal Sense, and Also You Owe Me $500.”
A new study shows that children who do not get enough sleep are more likely to be overweight than those who get more sleep. And those who sleep all the time are more likely to be comatose.
A Florida theater changed the name of "The Vagina Monologues" to "The Hoohaa Monologues" after a woman complained that her niece asked her what a vagina was. The theater regrets that it caused a girl to learn about a part of her body.
Nashville's city council has voted to adopt English as its official language, y’all.
Monday, February 05, 2007
Recycling Center: Rejected Jokes Edition
My failure is your windfall...
A new study suggests that lavender and tea tree oils found in some shampoos, soaps, and lotions can temporarily leave boys with enlarged breasts in rare cases. Thankfully, boys know just what to do when confronted with breasts and lotion.
A new study suggests that lavender and tea tree oils found in some shampoos, soaps, and lotions can temporarily leave boys with enlarged breasts in rare cases. Thankfully, boys know just what to do when confronted with breasts and lotion.
A woman in Florida claimed Wednesday that she found a razor blade in her McDonald's breakfast sandwich. The manager promised to fire those responsible, after discovering that the sandwich had been served after 10:30 am.
Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe will appear naked in a British stage revival of "Equus,” or, as fans are calling it, “Harry Potter and the Order of the Penis.”
Sidney Sheldon, the best-selling author and the producer of “I Dream of Jeannie,” died this week at the age of 89. In memoriam, a penny was placed over his belly button.
The UN's first female-only peace-keeping contingent, made up of about 100 Indian police officers, arrived in Liberia this week, otherwise known as “Vishnu’s Angels”
A Los Angeles immigration judge who previously denied a gay Mexican man's 2004 asylum bid on the grounds that he could simply conceal his sexual orientation if he returned to Mexico, reversed the decision Tuesday, citing the tragic case of gay mouse Flamboyant Gonzales.
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is offering the services of three writers to help Oscar nominees with their speeches. Unfortunately, they’re the writers of Epic Movie.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Recycling Center: Rejected Jokes Edition
Taste the mild amusement...
It was announced that the hit show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy will end production after the fifth season ends this summer. Now if five gay men break into your house, it just means the Village People need a little Quaalude money.
Officials at the Chimp Haven in the Shreveport, Louisiana zoo were surprised when a female chimpanzee gave birth, despite the fact that the facility's entire male population has had vasectomies. Could this be the long-foretold birth of Chimp Jesus?
DEA agents said Tuesday that they have dismantled a Colombian heroin ring by arresting several couriers who stitched packets of drugs into their pants and then took cruise ships to the US. In short: there was a party in their pants, and everyone was indicted.
On Tuesday Donald Trump got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, followed by a star-studded night of celebrity corpses rolling over in their graves.
It is rumored that Matthew McConaughey will play Magnum PI in a movie version of the hit TV show, and is looking forward to making good on his many mustache ride promises.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Recycling Center: Rejected Jokes Edition
The saga continues...
On Tuesday Apple unveiled its iPhone, which is a new touch-screen cell-phone that contains an iPod, OS X operating system, Wi-Fi connection, camera, can play full screen video, and can urinate on a Microsoft Zune from up to 60 feet.
Paris Hilton pleaded not guilty on Tuesday to DUI charges in Los Angeles, although she still has an outstanding IUD record, in all fifty states.
Former revolutionary Daniel Ortega, who was one of Washington's most bitter foes, was sworn in as President of Nicaragua on Wednesday. In response, President Bush said he was unconcerned, as he had heard that Ortega was both thick and chunky.
The body of the late James Brown has yet to be buried as attorneys and his children work to settle issues surrounding his estate, and the audience waits, hoping that his cape will magically revive him.
Duke University's applications for admission declined over 4 percent from a record last year in the aftermath of rape charges against members of the school's lacrosse team. Also not helping: their new Fitness Complex and Rapetorium.
The Transportation Security Administration will now allow companies to sell ads inside plastic bins whose sole purpose so far has been to move passengers' belongings through X-ray machines. A TSA administrator said, “We believe that ad agencies won’t be able to resist this opportunity to associate their products with shoelessness and frustration.”
A new political battle started this week over the terms used to describe the additional troops being sent to Iraq, with the President calling it a "surge" and Democrats calling it an "escalation." Whereas Iraqis call it, “Thursday.”
The Habsburg family said Wednesday that it wanted to sell a Transylvanian castle famous for its connections to Vlad the Impaler, who was the inspiration for Dracula, for 78 million dollars, or to the first person to spend a night in the castle alone.
A former Colorado high school basketball coach is facing 39 charges of allegedly hitting male students in the groin, showing them pornography, and pouring water on his players then driving them to games in the winter with the windows down. His heartwarming story will be told in the upcoming film “Abusiers.”
It was revealed this week that the late Law and Order actor, Jerry Orbach, donated his eyes after his death to two women who needed new corneas, which explains why, when confronted with a corpse, they now feel compelled to make a wisecrack.
On Tuesday Apple unveiled its iPhone, which is a new touch-screen cell-phone that contains an iPod, OS X operating system, Wi-Fi connection, camera, can play full screen video, and can urinate on a Microsoft Zune from up to 60 feet.
Paris Hilton pleaded not guilty on Tuesday to DUI charges in Los Angeles, although she still has an outstanding IUD record, in all fifty states.
Former revolutionary Daniel Ortega, who was one of Washington's most bitter foes, was sworn in as President of Nicaragua on Wednesday. In response, President Bush said he was unconcerned, as he had heard that Ortega was both thick and chunky.
The body of the late James Brown has yet to be buried as attorneys and his children work to settle issues surrounding his estate, and the audience waits, hoping that his cape will magically revive him.
Duke University's applications for admission declined over 4 percent from a record last year in the aftermath of rape charges against members of the school's lacrosse team. Also not helping: their new Fitness Complex and Rapetorium.
The Transportation Security Administration will now allow companies to sell ads inside plastic bins whose sole purpose so far has been to move passengers' belongings through X-ray machines. A TSA administrator said, “We believe that ad agencies won’t be able to resist this opportunity to associate their products with shoelessness and frustration.”
A new political battle started this week over the terms used to describe the additional troops being sent to Iraq, with the President calling it a "surge" and Democrats calling it an "escalation." Whereas Iraqis call it, “Thursday.”
The Habsburg family said Wednesday that it wanted to sell a Transylvanian castle famous for its connections to Vlad the Impaler, who was the inspiration for Dracula, for 78 million dollars, or to the first person to spend a night in the castle alone.
A former Colorado high school basketball coach is facing 39 charges of allegedly hitting male students in the groin, showing them pornography, and pouring water on his players then driving them to games in the winter with the windows down. His heartwarming story will be told in the upcoming film “Abusiers.”
It was revealed this week that the late Law and Order actor, Jerry Orbach, donated his eyes after his death to two women who needed new corneas, which explains why, when confronted with a corpse, they now feel compelled to make a wisecrack.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Recycling Center: Rejected Jokes Edition
Here comes Santa Claus...
According to a new study, fewer than 1 in 5 Americans have "a great deal" of trust in President Bush to "recommend the right thing" for the US to do in Iraq. Slightly more trusted: Amazon.com's recommendations for Iraq.
Mattel said that sales of Barbies this year are up for the first time in several years, with one poll listing Barbie as the top toy for girls this season. Selling particularly well: Britney Spears and Paris Hilton's Bi-Curious Barbie Fun Set.
On Sunday Reverend Paul Barnes, the pastor of a Denver mega-church, resigned after confessing to having sex with men, saying that he had often cried himself to sleep, begging God to end his attraction to men. Thankfully, men weren't attracted to him, since he often cried himself to sleep.
While plans to sell OJ Simpson's book, If I Did It, were scrapped, copies have appeared for sale online for as much as 5500 dollars- although I can tell you how he did it for free. With a knife.
Nintendo's new video game system, the Wii, is causing problems for players who have accidentally thrown the remote control style wand-joystick into televisions, windows, and their own faces. And there's nothing more unpleasant than getting a little Wii in your face.
Martha Stewart will appear on Howard Stern's satellite radio show Thursday, to teach the audience how to knit nipple cozies.
The Marine Corp on Tuesday stopped a Sergeant from changing his name at the behest of the highest bidder on his Web site, ChooseMyName.com, although they've so far done nothing about President Bush's site, ChooseMyIraqStrategy.com.
Federal health officials said Wednesday that lettuce was the most likely source of an outbreak of E. Coli linked to Taco Bell. I'll repeat that: the least healthy thing at a Taco Bell was the lettuce.
It was reported that Kevin Federline is prepared to write a tell-all book about Britney Spears that could include details about her wild drinking, alleged drug-use, her sexual attraction towards other women, as well as her supposed belief in time-travel. But not if FUTURE BRITNEY has anything to say about it!
According to a new study, fewer than 1 in 5 Americans have "a great deal" of trust in President Bush to "recommend the right thing" for the US to do in Iraq. Slightly more trusted: Amazon.com's recommendations for Iraq.
Mattel said that sales of Barbies this year are up for the first time in several years, with one poll listing Barbie as the top toy for girls this season. Selling particularly well: Britney Spears and Paris Hilton's Bi-Curious Barbie Fun Set.
On Sunday Reverend Paul Barnes, the pastor of a Denver mega-church, resigned after confessing to having sex with men, saying that he had often cried himself to sleep, begging God to end his attraction to men. Thankfully, men weren't attracted to him, since he often cried himself to sleep.
While plans to sell OJ Simpson's book, If I Did It, were scrapped, copies have appeared for sale online for as much as 5500 dollars- although I can tell you how he did it for free. With a knife.
Nintendo's new video game system, the Wii, is causing problems for players who have accidentally thrown the remote control style wand-joystick into televisions, windows, and their own faces. And there's nothing more unpleasant than getting a little Wii in your face.
Martha Stewart will appear on Howard Stern's satellite radio show Thursday, to teach the audience how to knit nipple cozies.
The Marine Corp on Tuesday stopped a Sergeant from changing his name at the behest of the highest bidder on his Web site, ChooseMyName.com, although they've so far done nothing about President Bush's site, ChooseMyIraqStrategy.com.
Federal health officials said Wednesday that lettuce was the most likely source of an outbreak of E. Coli linked to Taco Bell. I'll repeat that: the least healthy thing at a Taco Bell was the lettuce.
It was reported that Kevin Federline is prepared to write a tell-all book about Britney Spears that could include details about her wild drinking, alleged drug-use, her sexual attraction towards other women, as well as her supposed belief in time-travel. But not if FUTURE BRITNEY has anything to say about it!
Monday, December 11, 2006
Recycling Center: Rejected Jokes Edition
Yeah!
Actor Rip Torn was arrested Monday in New York on charges of drunk driving, resulting in the world's most confusing headline: "Smashed Joy Ride Rip Torn Nicked."
Officials at Yahoo.com said that the most requested searches of 2006 were the Yankees, Britney Spears, and Suri Cruise. The least requested search? "Howie Mandel erotica."
The Conservative branch of Judaism voted this week to accept gay rabbis for the first time. Or, as they put it, "What's the big tsimmes about a guy who likes schlong?"
The White House said Monday that, because he was unable to win Senate confirmation, UN Ambassador John Bolton will step down when his temporary appointment expires within weeks, in a sad day for human walruses everywhere.
The Iraq Study Group formally presented their report, entitled "The Way Forward, A New Approach" on Wednesday to President Bush. Although, to get him to read it, they just called it "Highlights For Kids."
A 2 month-old baby girl in Colorado was in good condition Monday after being hospitalized with a blood-alcohol level more than four times the legal limit for an adult driver. Officials suspect the cause was a bottle of Danny DeVito Brand Baby Formula.
Broadway actor James Barbour, who once played The Beast in Beauty and the Beast, was arraigned this week on charges that he fondled an underage girl backstage in 2001--both a little scared, schoolgirl unprepared, booty groped by beast.
World chess champion Vladimir Kramnik lost his final game in a match against computer program Deep Fritz. Kramnik attributes his loss to underestimating his opponent, mistakenly believing it to be gay German porn.
Paris Hilton has said that after hanging around with Britney Spears and her two children, she wants children of her own adding, "I look after animals, so I'd have a lot to give my kids." Including, presumably, several blood-borne STDs.
Actor Rip Torn was arrested Monday in New York on charges of drunk driving, resulting in the world's most confusing headline: "Smashed Joy Ride Rip Torn Nicked."
Officials at Yahoo.com said that the most requested searches of 2006 were the Yankees, Britney Spears, and Suri Cruise. The least requested search? "Howie Mandel erotica."
The Conservative branch of Judaism voted this week to accept gay rabbis for the first time. Or, as they put it, "What's the big tsimmes about a guy who likes schlong?"
The White House said Monday that, because he was unable to win Senate confirmation, UN Ambassador John Bolton will step down when his temporary appointment expires within weeks, in a sad day for human walruses everywhere.
The Iraq Study Group formally presented their report, entitled "The Way Forward, A New Approach" on Wednesday to President Bush. Although, to get him to read it, they just called it "Highlights For Kids."
A 2 month-old baby girl in Colorado was in good condition Monday after being hospitalized with a blood-alcohol level more than four times the legal limit for an adult driver. Officials suspect the cause was a bottle of Danny DeVito Brand Baby Formula.
Broadway actor James Barbour, who once played The Beast in Beauty and the Beast, was arraigned this week on charges that he fondled an underage girl backstage in 2001--both a little scared, schoolgirl unprepared, booty groped by beast.
World chess champion Vladimir Kramnik lost his final game in a match against computer program Deep Fritz. Kramnik attributes his loss to underestimating his opponent, mistakenly believing it to be gay German porn.
Paris Hilton has said that after hanging around with Britney Spears and her two children, she wants children of her own adding, "I look after animals, so I'd have a lot to give my kids." Including, presumably, several blood-borne STDs.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Recycling Center: Rejected Jokes Edition
I give all my loving to you...
It was reported that a sequel to the DaVinci Code is being readied. It's tentatively titled "Maybe Something Crazy is Going on with the Jews, Too."
Insiders say that the report by the Iraq Study Group will recommend dramatically increasing the number of US military officers embedded with Iraqi troops to accelerate training and get the US on a path toward leaving the country, although President Bush claims that they only formed that study group as a way to meet girls.
Former Seinfeld actor Michael Richards appeared on the Reverend Jesse Jackson's radio show Sunday to apologize once again for his racial outbursts at a comedy club last week... although he lost points when he assured listeners that he's "Master of his Plantation."
ABC's All My Children this week will introduce a transgender character who is making the transition from a man into a woman. Much like any men watching All My Children.
"The Nativity Story," a movie about Mary and Joseph before the birth of Christ, had its world premiere at the Vatican on Sunday and won strong praise from Tarcisio Cardinal Bertone, who is the "deputy Pope." Which is like when you get a thumbs up from the other guy, not Ebert.
More and more White House officials, US generals, and members of Congress are blaming the continued violence and destruction in Iraq on the Iraqis themselves, and their failure to rebuild their society. Also, did you see the way Iraq was dressed? It was totally asking for it.
A mental patient in Illinois has pleased guilty to threatening to castrate President Bush, but was released with time served, after the fall elections did it for him.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Recycling Center: Rejected Jokes Edition
Laugh it up, fuzzball...
It was reported that ABC News anchor Elizabeth Vargas is upset with an upcoming Marie Claire magazine article that features a doctored photo of her breast-feeding her son on air. She has maids to do that sort of thing.
A California toy company that sells Bible-quoting Jesus dolls said that it is surprised and disappointed that the Marine Reserves' Toys for Tots program turned down its offer to donate 4000 of the talking dolls. Their main objection was that one of the pre-recorded phrases was “Blessed are the Ken dolls, for they get to make it with Barbie.”
An official with the American Philatelic Society said that a stamp thought to be a rare 1918 Inverted Jenny, used by a Florida voter to mail an absentee ballot last week, is probably a fake. And thus ends this decade’s only news story involving the American Philatelic Society.
The largest Baptist group in North Carolina, moved this week to expel any congregation that condones homosexuality, while the Presbyterian Church will put on minister on trial for conducting a marriage ceremony for two men. If convicted, he could be sentenced to Unitarianism.
On an episode of the Tyra Banks show this week, both she and the audience wore just their underwear for a "Panty Party" show, despite the fact that a similar episode of Judge Judy was the lowest-rated ever.
More than 800 people around the world have signed up to be part of the New York-based "Corduroy Appreciation Club," which meets every November 11th, which when written as 11/11, resembles the fabric they love… or it does if you’re a member of some totally crazy club.
Matthew Fisher is suing his former Procul Harum bandmate Gary Brooker, claiming that he is owed royalties from the 1967 song "Whiter Shade of Pale,” and alleging, furthermore, that his harum wasn’t procul enough.
Grey's Anatomy star Ellen Pompeo got engaged this week to record producer Chris Ivery, telling reporters, “I’m so happy I can barely squint.”
It was reported that ABC News anchor Elizabeth Vargas is upset with an upcoming Marie Claire magazine article that features a doctored photo of her breast-feeding her son on air. She has maids to do that sort of thing.
A California toy company that sells Bible-quoting Jesus dolls said that it is surprised and disappointed that the Marine Reserves' Toys for Tots program turned down its offer to donate 4000 of the talking dolls. Their main objection was that one of the pre-recorded phrases was “Blessed are the Ken dolls, for they get to make it with Barbie.”
An official with the American Philatelic Society said that a stamp thought to be a rare 1918 Inverted Jenny, used by a Florida voter to mail an absentee ballot last week, is probably a fake. And thus ends this decade’s only news story involving the American Philatelic Society.
The largest Baptist group in North Carolina, moved this week to expel any congregation that condones homosexuality, while the Presbyterian Church will put on minister on trial for conducting a marriage ceremony for two men. If convicted, he could be sentenced to Unitarianism.
On an episode of the Tyra Banks show this week, both she and the audience wore just their underwear for a "Panty Party" show, despite the fact that a similar episode of Judge Judy was the lowest-rated ever.
More than 800 people around the world have signed up to be part of the New York-based "Corduroy Appreciation Club," which meets every November 11th, which when written as 11/11, resembles the fabric they love… or it does if you’re a member of some totally crazy club.
Matthew Fisher is suing his former Procul Harum bandmate Gary Brooker, claiming that he is owed royalties from the 1967 song "Whiter Shade of Pale,” and alleging, furthermore, that his harum wasn’t procul enough.
Grey's Anatomy star Ellen Pompeo got engaged this week to record producer Chris Ivery, telling reporters, “I’m so happy I can barely squint.”
Monday, November 13, 2006
Recycling Center: Rejected Jokes Edition
Let's get retarded in here...
Former N Sync member Lance Bass has inspired a new term for gay celebrities who are outed by the media, which is called being "lanced." It thankfully beat out the alternative term, "being done Doogie-style."
Police in Michigan arrested a man for murder after his girlfriend told them that during a party game in which people name the stupidest thing they had ever done, her boyfriend answered, "Shot a guy in the head." He then corrected himself, saying "Wait, wait -- confessed to murder during a party game!"
Police in Arizona reported that a 40-foot trailer containing thousands of wedding gowns worth an estimated 3 million dollars was stolen form a charity that grants the dying wishes of women with breast cancer—surely the saddest story to ever be an Oprah wet dream.
A woman in London was sentenced to seven years in prison on Monday for keeping her sister-in-law as a domestic slave, forcing her to do housework naked and beating her. Her story will be told in the Lifetime Original Movie "My Sister My Nude Slave: The Just Dirty Enough to Get Men to Watch Lifetime Story"
It was reported that banks and savings institutions last year ordered more than double the average amount of 2 dollar bills, which are being used more frequently in bars and strip clubs, especially now that strip clubs have stopped accepting rolls of nickels.
As Speaker of the House, Representative Nancy Pelosi would be third in the line of succession to the President. Second, if you don’t count vampires.
Former N Sync member Lance Bass has inspired a new term for gay celebrities who are outed by the media, which is called being "lanced." It thankfully beat out the alternative term, "being done Doogie-style."
Police in Michigan arrested a man for murder after his girlfriend told them that during a party game in which people name the stupidest thing they had ever done, her boyfriend answered, "Shot a guy in the head." He then corrected himself, saying "Wait, wait -- confessed to murder during a party game!"
Police in Arizona reported that a 40-foot trailer containing thousands of wedding gowns worth an estimated 3 million dollars was stolen form a charity that grants the dying wishes of women with breast cancer—surely the saddest story to ever be an Oprah wet dream.
A woman in London was sentenced to seven years in prison on Monday for keeping her sister-in-law as a domestic slave, forcing her to do housework naked and beating her. Her story will be told in the Lifetime Original Movie "My Sister My Nude Slave: The Just Dirty Enough to Get Men to Watch Lifetime Story"
It was reported that banks and savings institutions last year ordered more than double the average amount of 2 dollar bills, which are being used more frequently in bars and strip clubs, especially now that strip clubs have stopped accepting rolls of nickels.
As Speaker of the House, Representative Nancy Pelosi would be third in the line of succession to the President. Second, if you don’t count vampires.
A New Jersey woman is suing a Manhattan bar after allegedly falling and shredding ligaments in her knee last year during a "Shake It Like Shakira" contest when she fell while dancing on a "wet, unprotected and unsafe" bar. The bar is claiming no liability, as the contest was clearly titled “Shake It Like Shakira” and not “Shake It Like a Drunk, Clumsy Skank.”
Actress Reece Witherspoon has officially filed for divorce from Ryan Phillippe, thus ending America’s love affair with celebrity couple “Philwitherslippoon.”
President Bush on Wednesday morning called Representative Nancy Pelosi, who is expected to be the next Speaker of the House, to congratulate her on the Democrats win and to invite her to lunch, where presumably, he gave her the world’s most uncomfortable backrub.
Senator Rick Santorum, one of the most powerful conservative Republicans and a close ally of President Bush, lost his re-election bid on Tuesday. Santorum says he’s looking forward to his new life as a private bigot.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Recycling Center: Rejected Jokes
All together now...
Facing pressure from GOP leaders as the midterm elections near, the White House said Monday that President Bush would not longer stress "stay the course" as a central goal in Iraq, and instead will focus on "milestones" and "benchmarks." Specifically, the best way to blow them up.
Australians are being urged to stop singing in the shower because the utility company claims that singing adds an extra 9 minutes to the average shower. Sounds like Australia just got turned on to Rush!
Responding to claims from her opponent in the Senate race that she used to be ugly and had plastic surgery, Hillary Clinton said that she was "cute" in high school... although it was cute in that, "I'll bet she has a really nice voting record" sort of way.
Coca-Cola announced Monday that it would donate two and a half acres of prime land near Atlanta's downtown tourist district to a proposed civil rights museum, along with one-fifteenth of a mule.
A judge in California has dismissed an indecent-exposure charge against a woman accused of sitting naked on her sun deck in a bid to "drive away" a teenage boy who was making too much noise playing basketball next door. Surprisingly, the tactic worked, as the woman was Joan Rivers.
According to a new study blue-eyed men prefer blue-eyed women because unconsciously they know that their children would also have blue-eyes and they could then determine if a partner was cheating. Which is why I'd like to introduce my new product: "Adulterer Brand Color Contacts for Babies."
Rush Limbaugh on Tuesday accused actor Michael J. Fox of exaggerating the physical effects off his Parkinson's disease in political ads urging viewers to support Democrats in the next election who support stem cell research. One thing definitely not exaggerated? Rush Limbaugh's ass-hattery.
President Bush on Tuesday accused Democrats of being "genetically disposed" to raise taxes. Maybe the president could give them some stem cells to help with that.
A panda cub in China bit off part of the thumb of an American visitor who was feeding it at a reserve, finally answering the question, "what's black and white and red all over?"
Dick Clark is selling memorabilia he collected during his years as host of American Bandstand, including a glove worn by Michael Jackson, a bustier worn by Madonna, and half a moustache worn by Prince.
Facing pressure from GOP leaders as the midterm elections near, the White House said Monday that President Bush would not longer stress "stay the course" as a central goal in Iraq, and instead will focus on "milestones" and "benchmarks." Specifically, the best way to blow them up.
Australians are being urged to stop singing in the shower because the utility company claims that singing adds an extra 9 minutes to the average shower. Sounds like Australia just got turned on to Rush!
Responding to claims from her opponent in the Senate race that she used to be ugly and had plastic surgery, Hillary Clinton said that she was "cute" in high school... although it was cute in that, "I'll bet she has a really nice voting record" sort of way.
Coca-Cola announced Monday that it would donate two and a half acres of prime land near Atlanta's downtown tourist district to a proposed civil rights museum, along with one-fifteenth of a mule.
A judge in California has dismissed an indecent-exposure charge against a woman accused of sitting naked on her sun deck in a bid to "drive away" a teenage boy who was making too much noise playing basketball next door. Surprisingly, the tactic worked, as the woman was Joan Rivers.
According to a new study blue-eyed men prefer blue-eyed women because unconsciously they know that their children would also have blue-eyes and they could then determine if a partner was cheating. Which is why I'd like to introduce my new product: "Adulterer Brand Color Contacts for Babies."
Rush Limbaugh on Tuesday accused actor Michael J. Fox of exaggerating the physical effects off his Parkinson's disease in political ads urging viewers to support Democrats in the next election who support stem cell research. One thing definitely not exaggerated? Rush Limbaugh's ass-hattery.
President Bush on Tuesday accused Democrats of being "genetically disposed" to raise taxes. Maybe the president could give them some stem cells to help with that.
A panda cub in China bit off part of the thumb of an American visitor who was feeding it at a reserve, finally answering the question, "what's black and white and red all over?"
Dick Clark is selling memorabilia he collected during his years as host of American Bandstand, including a glove worn by Michael Jackson, a bustier worn by Madonna, and half a moustache worn by Prince.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Recycling Center: Rejected Jokes
More jokes that didn't make it to air...
On Sunday night, the legendary New York punk rock club CBGB permanently shut down, with Patti Smith playing the last show. Smith said it was amazing that, all these years later, the walls still had some of their original vomit.
Police in Spain said Sunday that more than 17,000 minks on fur farms in northern Spain were set free overnight, making it the country's worst weasel-related disaster since the Spanish release of "Bio-Dome."
Former US representative Gerry Studds, a Massachusetts Democrat, who was the first openly gay congressman, died this past weekend. His last wish was granted when his funeral was attended by several attractive men, drawn by the sign reading "Studds Event."
A Japanese woman in her 50s gave birth to her own grandchild last year, using an egg from her daughter and sperm from her son-in-law. The results were published in The New England Journal of Ewwwwww.
Courtney Love has reportedly been telling friends that Mel Gibson is her "savior," after he came to her hotel room last year to convince her to go back into rehab. Their story will be told in the upcoming film, "What Skanky Drug-Addled Women Want."
Scientists have discovered that by examining just a few strands of hair can determine whether a person has an eating disorder. Especially if that hair is found between their teeth.
A large number of men in the United States who have married, or intend to marry mail-order brides, are being finding their wives barred from entering the US by a new law intended to give foreign women and the American government more information about the men who place these orders. Way to cock-block, US government!
Bindi Irwin, the 8 year-old daughter of Steve Irwin, is making a new wildlife series for the Discovery Kids. It will be titled "Explore the Natural World that Made Me an Orphan!"
The Vatican has endorsed a new animated film called "John Paul II, the Friend of Humanity," which chronicles the life of the last pontiff, although they wish that the voice of Robin Williams didn’t improvise so much scripture.
In an "open letter" to the media, Madonna defended her adoption of a one-year old Malawian boy, saying that she followed the country's adoption laws and that the she did not take the decision to adopt lightly. Thus, she plans to keep the baby, despite protests from the government, media, and Danny Aiello.
On Sunday night, the legendary New York punk rock club CBGB permanently shut down, with Patti Smith playing the last show. Smith said it was amazing that, all these years later, the walls still had some of their original vomit.
Police in Spain said Sunday that more than 17,000 minks on fur farms in northern Spain were set free overnight, making it the country's worst weasel-related disaster since the Spanish release of "Bio-Dome."
Former US representative Gerry Studds, a Massachusetts Democrat, who was the first openly gay congressman, died this past weekend. His last wish was granted when his funeral was attended by several attractive men, drawn by the sign reading "Studds Event."
A Japanese woman in her 50s gave birth to her own grandchild last year, using an egg from her daughter and sperm from her son-in-law. The results were published in The New England Journal of Ewwwwww.
Courtney Love has reportedly been telling friends that Mel Gibson is her "savior," after he came to her hotel room last year to convince her to go back into rehab. Their story will be told in the upcoming film, "What Skanky Drug-Addled Women Want."
Scientists have discovered that by examining just a few strands of hair can determine whether a person has an eating disorder. Especially if that hair is found between their teeth.
A large number of men in the United States who have married, or intend to marry mail-order brides, are being finding their wives barred from entering the US by a new law intended to give foreign women and the American government more information about the men who place these orders. Way to cock-block, US government!
Bindi Irwin, the 8 year-old daughter of Steve Irwin, is making a new wildlife series for the Discovery Kids. It will be titled "Explore the Natural World that Made Me an Orphan!"
The Vatican has endorsed a new animated film called "John Paul II, the Friend of Humanity," which chronicles the life of the last pontiff, although they wish that the voice of Robin Williams didn’t improvise so much scripture.
In an "open letter" to the media, Madonna defended her adoption of a one-year old Malawian boy, saying that she followed the country's adoption laws and that the she did not take the decision to adopt lightly. Thus, she plans to keep the baby, despite protests from the government, media, and Danny Aiello.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Recycling Center: More Jokes
The rejected joke saga continues:
In June 2003 former Representative Mark Foley campaigned against child-oriented nudist camps in Florida, and was quoted as saying, "You put 11 and 18 year-olds together in a camp where they're nude, I think it is a recipe for disaster. It is like putting a match next to a gasoline can." Later it was revealed that the word "match" was actually a pet name meaning "Mark Foley's penis."
According to a new study, San Jose has the worst roads in the nation, followed by Los Angeles and San Francisco, while New Jersey has the most Thunder Roads.
More than a dozen pet owners are suing Hollywood Paws for failing to turn their animals into TV or movie stars as they had promised, and further alleging that their pets had been reduced to doing pawnography.
A cell phone company introduced a new phone called the Jitterbug that is aimed at senior citizens and features larger, easily read buttons and displays, providing the elderly with a convenient new way to not get called by their children.
A new popular event touring the country is Baby Loves Disco, in which parents bring their young children to nightclubs where they can dance. The name was chosen after "Baby Doesn't Have Too Much Choice in the Matter, Does Baby?" was deemed too on-the-nose.
Russian TV is producing a new version of he NBC sitcom "Suddenly Susan," which starred Brooke Shields. Of course, in Soviet Russia, Susan suddenlys you!
A Ukrainian man has developed a musical condom that plays louder and faster "as the sex becomes more passionate." Although for some reason, the music is muffled about half the time.
During Tuesday's episode of the O'Reilly Factor, former Representative Mark Foley mistakenly labeled a Democrat 3 times, although I'm sure it was just a harmless accident, and we shouldn't blame convicted devil-worshipping serial killer, Bill O'Reilly. Oops. Did I say serial killer? I meant "talk show host."
According to a new study, more than half of Americans admitted to "re-gifting," while the other half totally love that unicorn sweater.
In June 2003 former Representative Mark Foley campaigned against child-oriented nudist camps in Florida, and was quoted as saying, "You put 11 and 18 year-olds together in a camp where they're nude, I think it is a recipe for disaster. It is like putting a match next to a gasoline can." Later it was revealed that the word "match" was actually a pet name meaning "Mark Foley's penis."
According to a new study, San Jose has the worst roads in the nation, followed by Los Angeles and San Francisco, while New Jersey has the most Thunder Roads.
More than a dozen pet owners are suing Hollywood Paws for failing to turn their animals into TV or movie stars as they had promised, and further alleging that their pets had been reduced to doing pawnography.
A cell phone company introduced a new phone called the Jitterbug that is aimed at senior citizens and features larger, easily read buttons and displays, providing the elderly with a convenient new way to not get called by their children.
A new popular event touring the country is Baby Loves Disco, in which parents bring their young children to nightclubs where they can dance. The name was chosen after "Baby Doesn't Have Too Much Choice in the Matter, Does Baby?" was deemed too on-the-nose.
Russian TV is producing a new version of he NBC sitcom "Suddenly Susan," which starred Brooke Shields. Of course, in Soviet Russia, Susan suddenlys you!
A Ukrainian man has developed a musical condom that plays louder and faster "as the sex becomes more passionate." Although for some reason, the music is muffled about half the time.
During Tuesday's episode of the O'Reilly Factor, former Representative Mark Foley mistakenly labeled a Democrat 3 times, although I'm sure it was just a harmless accident, and we shouldn't blame convicted devil-worshipping serial killer, Bill O'Reilly. Oops. Did I say serial killer? I meant "talk show host."
According to a new study, more than half of Americans admitted to "re-gifting," while the other half totally love that unicorn sweater.
Friday, October 06, 2006
Recycling Center: Jokes
Some rejected news jokes:
The number one movie at the box office this weekend was Jackass 2, which made 28 million dollars, or four million dollars per scrotal stapling.
A new study shows that breast implants have been linked to a significantly higher suicide rate among women, especially those who kill themselves via wet t-shirt electrocutions.
President Bush on Tuesday angrily criticized the leak of the report on the war in Iraq saying, "Somebody has taken it upon themselves to leak classified information for political purposes." The C.I.A. has promised to have one of their agents look into it, just as soon as they get a hold of Valerie Plame.
In an interview on Fox News Sunday, Bill Clinton accused host Chris Wallace of a "conservative hit job" for questioning Clinton's efforts to get Osama Bin Laden -- although the fact that Bin Ladin is still alive suggests that conservatives are incapable of a hit job.
Officials said Monday that the government is partially lifting its ban against carrying liquids and gels onto airliners, and will allow passengers to take on liquids purchased in secure areas of airports. So hello duty-free Wild Turkey and KY Jelly!
It was reported that Kevin Federline has removed from his upcoming debut CD the song "PopoZao," which is about women's rear-ends, and replaced it with "Crazy," which is a duet with Britney Spears, about women who marry rear-ends.
The Pentagon said Thursday that 3,800 US soldiers will be staying in Iraq about six weeks beyond their one-year combat tours, which explains the military’s new slogan, “The Army: Allow 6 to 8 Weeks for Delivery.”
Ricky Martin on Tuesday testified before Congress as part of his campaign for better laws and more money to combat global trafficking in children, a horror that Mr. Martin experienced firsthand in the mid-eighties, when he was held captive by the Menudo cartel.
An Italian musician who could not board his flight because of overbooking was so enraged that he assaulted a Turin airport worker, saying, “Where’s your shroud messiah now? Nyahhh!”
The number one movie at the box office this weekend was Jackass 2, which made 28 million dollars, or four million dollars per scrotal stapling.
A new study shows that breast implants have been linked to a significantly higher suicide rate among women, especially those who kill themselves via wet t-shirt electrocutions.
President Bush on Tuesday angrily criticized the leak of the report on the war in Iraq saying, "Somebody has taken it upon themselves to leak classified information for political purposes." The C.I.A. has promised to have one of their agents look into it, just as soon as they get a hold of Valerie Plame.
In an interview on Fox News Sunday, Bill Clinton accused host Chris Wallace of a "conservative hit job" for questioning Clinton's efforts to get Osama Bin Laden -- although the fact that Bin Ladin is still alive suggests that conservatives are incapable of a hit job.
Officials said Monday that the government is partially lifting its ban against carrying liquids and gels onto airliners, and will allow passengers to take on liquids purchased in secure areas of airports. So hello duty-free Wild Turkey and KY Jelly!
It was reported that Kevin Federline has removed from his upcoming debut CD the song "PopoZao," which is about women's rear-ends, and replaced it with "Crazy," which is a duet with Britney Spears, about women who marry rear-ends.
The Pentagon said Thursday that 3,800 US soldiers will be staying in Iraq about six weeks beyond their one-year combat tours, which explains the military’s new slogan, “The Army: Allow 6 to 8 Weeks for Delivery.”
Ricky Martin on Tuesday testified before Congress as part of his campaign for better laws and more money to combat global trafficking in children, a horror that Mr. Martin experienced firsthand in the mid-eighties, when he was held captive by the Menudo cartel.
An Italian musician who could not board his flight because of overbooking was so enraged that he assaulted a Turin airport worker, saying, “Where’s your shroud messiah now? Nyahhh!”
Monday, May 22, 2006
Dead Joke Office
You know the drill...
--
The Tony nominations were announced Tuesday, but Julia Roberts did not receive one, even though her play Days of Rain is a hit. Insiders blame the fact that there isn't currently a category for "Best Freakishly Large Smile."
Details of the classified NSA wiretap program were given to full congressional committees for the first time on Wednesday. And attached to those details was a tiny wireless microphone.
Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan reportedly got into a screaming match at a Los Angeles club after Lohan went over to Hilton's table. Apparently Lohan stole a bite off of Hilton's plate of air.
Texas is close to raising the speed limit on two of its interstate highways to 80 MPH-- reportedly to save money on lethal injections.
The maker of Cesamet, a synthetic drug similar to the active ingredient in marijuana, said Tuesday that it had received FDA approval for US sales. It will be sold along with another drug, which mimics the active ingredient in Fritos.
It is estimated that Paul McCartney, who is divorcing his wife, could have to pay her a possible 400 million dollars. Upon hearing this, Mr. McCartney immediately phoned his wife, saying, "We can work it out."
A small, but growing number of colleges are holding "lavender graduations" to honor gay and lesbian students-- although many gay and lesbian students say that the idea sounds "kinda gay."
New York City police have been warned about a new rapid-fire pistol that is disguised as a cell phone, although the upside is, if anyone gets shot by one, the NSA will know.
--
The Tony nominations were announced Tuesday, but Julia Roberts did not receive one, even though her play Days of Rain is a hit. Insiders blame the fact that there isn't currently a category for "Best Freakishly Large Smile."
Details of the classified NSA wiretap program were given to full congressional committees for the first time on Wednesday. And attached to those details was a tiny wireless microphone.
Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan reportedly got into a screaming match at a Los Angeles club after Lohan went over to Hilton's table. Apparently Lohan stole a bite off of Hilton's plate of air.
Texas is close to raising the speed limit on two of its interstate highways to 80 MPH-- reportedly to save money on lethal injections.
The maker of Cesamet, a synthetic drug similar to the active ingredient in marijuana, said Tuesday that it had received FDA approval for US sales. It will be sold along with another drug, which mimics the active ingredient in Fritos.
It is estimated that Paul McCartney, who is divorcing his wife, could have to pay her a possible 400 million dollars. Upon hearing this, Mr. McCartney immediately phoned his wife, saying, "We can work it out."
A small, but growing number of colleges are holding "lavender graduations" to honor gay and lesbian students-- although many gay and lesbian students say that the idea sounds "kinda gay."
New York City police have been warned about a new rapid-fire pistol that is disguised as a cell phone, although the upside is, if anyone gets shot by one, the NSA will know.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Dead Joke Office
More orphaned jokes:
According to Census Bureau estimates, Hispanics remain America's fastest-growing minority group, but most of their population increase comes from births here, rather than immigration. In response, the Minutmen have set up fences around Hispanic women's vaginas.
According to a new report, abuse of prescription and over-the-counter drugs is sending more people to emergency rooms than cocaine-- whereas cocaine is sending more people to The White House.
Squirrel monkeys at the London Zoo have been snatching cell phones from visitors as they stroll through their barrier-free enclosure. Even worse, they've shown no respect for the concept of peak minutes.
The Bowery Bay Boys of Queens, New York won the "Operators Challenge," which is also known as the Olympics of Sewage Treatment—although, in a larger sense, isn't everyone who competed a loser?
Cory Booker, a former city councilman and a 37 year-old former Rhodes scholar, was elected Newark, New Jersey's first new mayor in two decades by a landslide, mainly because he was the first Rhodes scholar willing to stay in New Jersey.
Of the nation's major telecommunications companies, only Qwest declined to provide the NSA with phone call records of their clients. They also declined to provide their "Q" with a U.
Simon Cowell has hired Regis Philbin to host his new show for NBC called "America's Got Talent," in which singers, dancers, and comics compete for 1 million dollars, proving that America's new favorite type of entertainment, is what used to be avoided on the last night of summer camp.
Heinz Stucke, a German who has been riding his bike around the world for 44 years, faced a major set-back when his bike was stolen in England. Stucke vows that if he finds the thief, he will kick him to death using his tremendous thighs.
Richie Sambora is denying rumors that he cheated on wife Heather Locklear saying, "I remained faithful during my marriage. And I defy anyone to refute that." Experts are reportedly surprised, saying, "Did Richie Sambora just correctly use the word 'refute'?"
According to Census Bureau estimates, Hispanics remain America's fastest-growing minority group, but most of their population increase comes from births here, rather than immigration. In response, the Minutmen have set up fences around Hispanic women's vaginas.
According to a new report, abuse of prescription and over-the-counter drugs is sending more people to emergency rooms than cocaine-- whereas cocaine is sending more people to The White House.
Squirrel monkeys at the London Zoo have been snatching cell phones from visitors as they stroll through their barrier-free enclosure. Even worse, they've shown no respect for the concept of peak minutes.
The Bowery Bay Boys of Queens, New York won the "Operators Challenge," which is also known as the Olympics of Sewage Treatment—although, in a larger sense, isn't everyone who competed a loser?
Cory Booker, a former city councilman and a 37 year-old former Rhodes scholar, was elected Newark, New Jersey's first new mayor in two decades by a landslide, mainly because he was the first Rhodes scholar willing to stay in New Jersey.
Of the nation's major telecommunications companies, only Qwest declined to provide the NSA with phone call records of their clients. They also declined to provide their "Q" with a U.
Simon Cowell has hired Regis Philbin to host his new show for NBC called "America's Got Talent," in which singers, dancers, and comics compete for 1 million dollars, proving that America's new favorite type of entertainment, is what used to be avoided on the last night of summer camp.
Heinz Stucke, a German who has been riding his bike around the world for 44 years, faced a major set-back when his bike was stolen in England. Stucke vows that if he finds the thief, he will kick him to death using his tremendous thighs.
Richie Sambora is denying rumors that he cheated on wife Heather Locklear saying, "I remained faithful during my marriage. And I defy anyone to refute that." Experts are reportedly surprised, saying, "Did Richie Sambora just correctly use the word 'refute'?"
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