Dead Joke Office

You know the drill...

--

The Tony nominations were announced Tuesday, but Julia Roberts did not receive one, even though her play Days of Rain is a hit. Insiders blame the fact that there isn't currently a category for "Best Freakishly Large Smile."

Details of the classified NSA wiretap program were given to full congressional committees for the first time on Wednesday. And attached to those details was a tiny wireless microphone.

Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan reportedly got into a screaming match at a Los Angeles club after Lohan went over to Hilton's table. Apparently Lohan stole a bite off of Hilton's plate of air.

Texas is close to raising the speed limit on two of its interstate highways to 80 MPH-- reportedly to save money on lethal injections.

The maker of Cesamet, a synthetic drug similar to the active ingredient in marijuana, said Tuesday that it had received FDA approval for US sales. It will be sold along with another drug, which mimics the active ingredient in Fritos.

It is estimated that Paul McCartney, who is divorcing his wife, could have to pay her a possible 400 million dollars. Upon hearing this, Mr. McCartney immediately phoned his wife, saying, "We can work it out."

A small, but growing number of colleges are holding "lavender graduations" to honor gay and lesbian students-- although many gay and lesbian students say that the idea sounds "kinda gay."
New York City police have been warned about a new rapid-fire pistol that is disguised as a cell phone, although the upside is, if anyone gets shot by one, the NSA will know.

The Air Conditioner Sketch

The Summer Funtime Special was a smashing success last night. For those of you who couldn't be there, I offer the following sketch, one of my favorites from the show...

The Air Conditioner Sketch, by Dan McCoy

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

A husband and wife lounge on a couch, visibly overcome by
heat. The woman fans herself with a piece of paper.

WIFE
Honey, I think it's time to install the
air conditioner again.

HUSBAND
Aw, that's such a pain. Didn't we just
take it out?

WIFE
Yes, hon. Every year. C'mon, it's
supposed to get up to 90 by the end of
the week. We don't want to do it then.

The husband rises to EXIT.

HUSBAND
(while leaving)
I don't know why you wait for me. You
could put it in while I'm not here.

Speaking to him, off stage. While she speaks we HEAR
CRASHING NOISES as he digs around to unearth the air
conditioner, and grunts as he picks it up.

WIFE
Are you kidding? That thing weighs a
ton. Hurry up; this fan isn't cutting it
anymore.

The husband ENTERS carrying an air conditioner (a
cardboard box, made to look like a window unit.)

HUSBAND
All right, hold your horses. Now how
does this go in again?

He lifts the air conditionerup to the window.

`HUSBAND
So, I guess I just put this here...

WIFE
Just make sure this is level with the
sill...

HUSBAND
Oh, it wobbles a bit...

WIFE
You have to make the ridge fit in to the
top here...

HUSBAND
We need something to put in and make it
level...

WIFE
All that holds it is gravity -- make sure
it fits just right or else...

The air conditioner slips from their grasp and falls out
the window. They are horrified.

SFX: A LOUD CRASH!

They immediately duck out of sight beneath the window.

MAN DOWNSTAIRS (O.S.)
(screaming)
Oh my god! Oh god! Something fell on
me! It feels like... It is! It's an air
conditioner! Oh my sweet lord, it is
heavy and metal and sharp! Why?! In
addition my cranial damage, somehow the
blades of the fan inside have embedded
themselves in my genitals! What are the
odds of that happening?! Not good, I
wager!

HUSBAND
Jesus, honey, what did you do?

WIFE
Me? You were the one who let go of the
air conditioner.

HUSBAND
Well obviously you didn't have much of a
hold on it either!

WIFE
I was trying to straighten it.

HUSBAND
Straighten it into that guy's skull!

WIFE
I don't even know what that means!

MAN OUTSIDE (O.S.)
(loud moaning)

WIFE(O.S.)
Oh god, what are we going to do now?

HUSBAND
I'll tell you what we do. We sit tight,
and stay inside. That air conditioner
could've come from anywhere!

WIFE
Good plan.

They sit in silence for a long beat. The wife picks up
the fan and starts fanning herself again.

WIFE (CONT'D)
You know...
(stops herself, then)
You know, all that guilty panicking
really works up a sweat.

HUSBAND
Yeah.

WIFE
Do we still have our old air conditioner?

HUSBAND
Seriously?

She shrugs. He stares at her for a moment, then pushes
up from the couch.

HUSBAND (CONT'D)
Fine.

He EXITS, then RE-ENTERS with the air conditioner, and
climbs up to the window.

HUSBAND (CONT'D)
(muttering)
I can't believe I'm doing this. Now
let's see... The flaps should spread out
like this...

He drops the air conditioner out the window.

SFX: LOUD CRASH.

MAN OUTSIDE (O.S.)
Oh sweet lord almighty! A second air
conditioner has fallen on the first!
Such cruel redundancy! Has some
consignment of air conditioners fallen
from the poorly-latched cargo bay of a
plane flying above?! One might think
that the second air conditioner would
have hurt less than the first, as my body
has gone into shock and would thus not
register the pain! One would be wrong!
The second air conditioner has simply
driven the first one deeper into my body,
then it bounced off and injured the only
areas unaffected by my first mishap!

HUSBAND
What did you do?!

WIFE
Me?

HUSBAND
Oh, fine! Everything's my fault.

He STORMS OUT of the room.

WIFE
Where are you going?

HUSBAND (O.S.)
I'm getting that extra air conditioner
the landlord offered us when we moved in!

He RE-ENTERS, and immediately drops the air conditioner
out the window.

WIFE
What are you...?!

SFX: LOUD CRASH.

HUSBAND
(realizing)
Oh! I totally spaced.

MAN OUTSIDE
Heaven help me! Has nature seen fit to
rain down upon me not the sweet, gentle
summer rain, but an endless stream of
razor-sharp angles, and unforgiving
steel!?
Mayhap I have been chosen, like the
biblical Job, to suffer countless
sorrows, although were I to choose, I
would choose his open sores over this
never-ceasing torrent of heavy, heavy air
conditioners! I am in agony!

WIFE
Wow, that was really poetic -- especially
for a guy who was just hit by three air
conditioners!

OTHER MAN OUTSIDE (O.S.)
Hey! I saw that! Hey you in the window!

The husband ducks under the window sill.

OTHER MAN OUTSIDE (CONT'D)
Yeah, you can't hide! I saw you drop
that air conditioner on that guy!

The husband RUNS OUT of the room.

OTHER MAN OUTSIDE (CONT'D)
Hey you motherfucker, come out here!

The husband RUNS BACK IN with another air conditioner.
He climbs back up and throws it out the window.

SFX: LOUD CRASH.

OTHER MAN OUTSIDE (CONT'D)
(groans)

WIFE
Why did you do that?!

HUSBAND
He was a witness!

WIFE
You're insane! And where did you get a
fourth air conditioner, anyway?

HUSBAND
I took from a homeless guy.

WIFE
You stole an air conditioner from a
homeless guy?!

HUSBAND
What was he going to do with it anyway?
It's not like he has a home to cool!

WIFE
That's not the point! You...

SFX: SIRENS. They both freeze.

POLICEMAN (O.S.)
This is the police. We have you
surrounded. Come out with your hands up.

They look at each other for a moment, then...

HUSBAND
Air conditioners! Quick!

The wife runs offstage, then returns with an air
conditioner. She tosses it up to him, and he gets ready
to throw it at the police.

HUSBAND (CONT'D)
Eat freon, copper!

BLACKOUT.

ANNOUNCER
Two hours later...

The lights come up. Husband and wife sit peacefully on
the sofa. The air conditioner is perched above them.

WIFE
Thank god that our final air conditioner
fits snugly on top of that pile of dead
bodies and other air conditioners. Now
the apartment is nice and cool.

HUSBAND
And how!

They laugh loud and long, right into the...

BLACKOUT.

Tonight!

May 18
@ 7:15 - I will introduce two episodes of Captains in Space, Live!
@ 10:00 - The Summer Funtime Special - I co-wrote, and will appear in this all-new sketch show.

-see previous posts for further details-

Location (all shows):

The Gene Frankel Theater Underground
24 Bond Street (aka East 2nd St.)
In the East Village, on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette. In the basement theater. Take the 6 to Bleeker, B/D/F/V to Broadway Lafayette, or R to Prince.

Cost:

-$5 for 10 PM show ONLY.
-$10 for entire night of shows (including both of my shows, at 7:15 and 10 and everything in-between). Includes 1 free drink ticket.

Summer Funtime Update

Just a reminder that The Summer Funtime Special is this Thursday the 18th at 10 PM. We've made a slight casting adjustment-- Rick Murphy will not be appearing in the show (lay off the sauce, Rick!*). Instead, we're pleased to announced the addition of Jeremiah Murphy to the cast. We figure, what the heck? One Murphy's as good as another. We're also pleased to announce that our director will be Mr. War of the Worlds himself, the Hoskins to my Caine, Eric Zuckerman. Feel free to applaud.

The Summer Funtime Special

Starring: Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Stacy Mayer, Dan McCoy, and Jeremiah Murphy.

Written by: Matt Koff, Rob Bates, and Dan McCoy

Directed by: Erik Zuckerman

The Gene Frankel Theater Underground 24 Bond Street (AKA East 2nd St.)
It's on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, in the basement space.
$5 for the 10 PM show, or you can see the whole MC2 Thursday line up for $10 (includes a drink ticket). Making things bold is fun.

It's the only show you'll see this year whose title is an anagram of "Fiancee sperm multi sum." That has to count for something!

*This is, of course, a joke. Mr. Rick Murphy is a fine human being, who could not appear in the show for scheduling reasons, and not because of any substance abuse problems, although he's totally a falling-down lush, and you can tell him I said that.**

**Libel suit, here I come!

Dead Joke Office

More orphaned jokes:

According to Census Bureau estimates, Hispanics remain America's fastest-growing minority group, but most of their population increase comes from births here, rather than immigration. In response, the Minutmen have set up fences around Hispanic women's vaginas.

According to a new report, abuse of prescription and over-the-counter drugs is sending more people to emergency rooms than cocaine-- whereas cocaine is sending more people to The White House.

Squirrel monkeys at the London Zoo have been snatching cell phones from visitors as they stroll through their barrier-free enclosure. Even worse, they've shown no respect for the concept of peak minutes.

The Bowery Bay Boys of Queens, New York won the "Operators Challenge," which is also known as the Olympics of Sewage Treatment—although, in a larger sense, isn't everyone who competed a loser?

Cory Booker, a former city councilman and a 37 year-old former Rhodes scholar, was elected Newark, New Jersey's first new mayor in two decades by a landslide, mainly because he was the first Rhodes scholar willing to stay in New Jersey.

Of the nation's major telecommunications companies, only Qwest declined to provide the NSA with phone call records of their clients. They also declined to provide their "Q" with a U.

Simon Cowell has hired Regis Philbin to host his new show for NBC called "America's Got Talent," in which singers, dancers, and comics compete for 1 million dollars, proving that America's new favorite type of entertainment, is what used to be avoided on the last night of summer camp.

Heinz Stucke, a German who has been riding his bike around the world for 44 years, faced a major set-back when his bike was stolen in England. Stucke vows that if he finds the thief, he will kick him to death using his tremendous thighs.

Richie Sambora is denying rumors that he cheated on wife Heather Locklear saying, "I remained faithful during my marriage. And I defy anyone to refute that." Experts are reportedly surprised, saying, "Did Richie Sambora just correctly use the word 'refute'?"

Captains Live Tonight!

Just a reminder, the second installment of our "Captains LIVE!" Big Bang/ Manhattan Comedy Collective showings is tonight. The episodes will be there every Thursday this month, but this may be the last time both Fed and I will be on hand to introduce them.

Captains in Space
Thursday, May 11 (tonight) at 7:15 PM
The Gene Frankel Theater Underground
24 Bond Street (aka East 2nd St.)
In the East Village, on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, in the basement theater. Take the 6 to Bleeker, B/D/F/V to Broadway Lafayette, or R to Prince.

The ticket price is $10, but that entitles you to stay for the whole night of shows and gets you one free beer. Also, if you show up at 7, I think there may be a discount-- but don't quote me on that.

In related news, Captain Fed has a MySpace page. I don't know how he's able to access the internet from deep space-- perhaps the OTTO-5 comes equipped with super-powerful wi-fi. Odder still is the way he's able to access early 21st century webpages from the year 2089, but perhaps he's using one of those OhForChrissakeItsJustABit devices. They're pretty versatile.

Oh, that reminds me: if we ever make a spin-off show, it should be called Captains in MYSPACE!

HahahaHaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHaHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHHaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHaha
haHaHAHAHAHAHAHHa
hahaHaHAHAHAHAHAHHahahaHaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHa
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHHahaha
HaHAHAHAHAHAHHahahaHaHAHAHAHAHAHHahahaHaHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHHaHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHA
HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHHahahaHaHAHAHAHAHAHHahahaHaHAHAHAHAHA
HHahahaHaHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHHaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHahahaHa
HAHAHAHAHAHHahahaHaHAHAHAHA
HAH!!!!

>sniff< I should get paid for this stuff.

Two New Shows in May

I will be taking part in a one-time-only sketch event on May 18, at 10 PM, titled, "The Summer Funtime Special," produced by The Manhattan Comedy Collective and Matt Koff. The blurb on the MC2 website has this to say:

"Barbecues, bikinis, beachballs, and blockbusters. Finally, a sketch show that celebrates what Time Magazine calls 'The World's Hottest Season.'

Starring Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Stacy Mayer, Dan McCoy, and Rick Murphy. With special guests and other surprises!"

The show will be written by Matt, Rob, and myself, and you can see it at:

The Gene Frankel Theater Underground
24 Bond Street (AKA East 2nd St.)
It's on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, in the basement space.
$5 for the 10 PM show, or you can see the whole MC2 Thursday line up for $10 (includes a drink ticket).

More news as events warrant.*

Also: good news for fans of my periodic contributions to Andres du Bouchet's always extremely funny Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game-- one of my bits will be included on the May 23rd show (only writing-- I won't be performing).

In case you've forgotten, Giant Tuesday Night is at:

Rififi/ Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street
between 1st and 2nd Avenues
The show is FREE (w/ a one drink minimum)

*Read, "when we figure out who the special guests are."

Dead Joke Office

Yet again, some of my monologue-style-comedy-jokes (Ooh! Comedy jokes! My favorite kind!) that were not deemed funny enough for mass broadcast. Oh well. I liked them.

--

The Center for Media and Public Affairs said that late-night comics have been doing more jokes on President Bush this year than in previous years, which is odd, because the longer he's in office, the less funny he is.

In an interview with Vanity Fair, it was revealed that Dick Cheney travels with a chemical-biological suit at all times, although he only wears it to holocaust memorials.

A New Jersey couple on Wednesday gave birth to a second set of triplets. Their names are "Jack," "Jerry," and, "Oh-My-God-Not-Another-One."

A convicted killer being put to death by lethal injection in Ohio, stunned witnesses to the execution on Tuesday when he sat up in the death chamber and said, "It's not working." Dude, that's the sort of thing you totally don't want to draw attention to.

Next week, ABC will broadcast a TV movie called "Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America," from the people who brought you, "Hey, What if Mountain Lions Broke Into People's Homes? That Would Kill a Bunch of People, Huh?"

According to a new study, New York City this year ranks number 11 on a list of the country's top 100 "allergy capitals," which is much higher than its ranking last year at number 88. Look out-- we're right behind you, Cat Dander, Vermont!

Over 3,700 mothers gathered in Manila on Thursday to break the world record for breastfeeding, and also the record for creepy guys loitering while pretending to read newspapers.

German Catholic leaders began legal proceedings on Tuesday to prevent MTV from broadcasting a new series called "Popetown," which depicts the Pope as a pogo-stick riding maniac, instead of a man in a funny hat who rides around in a tall glass car.

TV Land has announced plans for a new reality series called "I Pity the Fool," in which Mr. T travels the country dispensing inspiration and advice-- and, when necessary, pitying fools.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Captains in Space, "The Theatrical Version"

Hey, are you a fan of watching things that are meant to be seen on a very small screen blown up to several times their intended size, with all the loss in resolution that entails?

Who isn't?! But it's such a pain to set up your projection TV to play on an IMAX screen. Not to mention the cost and labor of building an IMAX screen. So, instead, why don't you come see the first theatrical showing of our video podcast, as part of May's "Big Bang" at the Manhattan Comedy Collective.

Yes, that's right-- we'll be screening a rotating program of two of our Captains in Space shorts, every Thursday in May, at 7:15 PM, at The Gene Frankel Theater Underground at 24 Bond Street (East 2nd St.) in the East Village. It's on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, in the basement theater, where the 8 x 10 foot screen is sure to be kind to our non-professional blue-screen effects!

Unless I've been misguided, the ticket price is $7, but if you pay for one show, you're entitled to stay for the whole night of shows. And the entry fee includes one drink ticket. Not too shabby.

And here's a bonus, on at least the 4th and 11th of May (and possibly on the 18th and 24th, too), the shorts will be introduced by Captain Fed himself (Federico Hatoum) as well as Captains writer Dan McCoy (me). So come on, nerds-- this is time for you to get all your Captains in Space merchandise signed, or confront us about episode three, in which the captains yell so hard that the echoes travel through space, even though deep space is soundless.

In other news, if you haven't seen this video, by Giant Tuesday Night host Andres du Bouchet, you should check it out. I had absolutely nothing to do with it, but I think it's funny, and thus am pointing you that way. If you look close, you can see a cameo by Ritch Duncan, my old editor at Jest Magazine. He's a hell of a thespian, that one.

Oh, and keep the 18th at 10 PM open. I can't tell you why, yet. Just save the date. And, while you're at it, go get me a sandwich.

Captains in Space, Episode Three ONLINE!

"Double," the third exciting episode of Captains in Space is online now. Written by the estimable Devon T. Coleman, and starring the usual gang of Fed Hatoum, Adam Walden, and Vedette Lim, this may be the best episode of Captains yet. It's certainly the shortest, which is a real boon for those with more important things to do with their lives than watch comedy on the Internet. How I hate those people.

Devon gives Vedette/ Frankie some valuable acting notes.

As always, our director and editor, Fed, has gone to great lengths to make sure the show looks as good as possible, despite our budget of a Canadian penny, a gnarled bit of wire, and a kick in the groin. And, as always, the best way to view the episode is to download it or watch it via a video iPod (subscribe via iTunes here), but if you're technophobic you can always just click on the YouTube version below.

Quick Update

The release of Captains in Space episode three has been slightly delayed, due to some effects tweaking, but it should be available for download tomorrow.

In the meantime, if you want an Internet comedy video fix, may I direct you over to Rob Bates' blog, where you can find a link to the very funny short "Asshole Actor." I had nothing to do with its production, I just post it here because I've worked with all the folks involved, and I like them and it.

Have a nice Friday. But try and cut down on your drinking, huh? I'm worried about you.

GTN Bit from 4/25/2006

Hey. In the tradition of Andres' blog, I thought I'd post the script of my contribution to last night's Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game. Those of you who couldn't make it missed a very funny Mark Douglas in full body suit as Mr. Serkis. Those of you who were there last night can enjoy seeing the original, longer script (including a never-before-seen second beat!) as it was before it was trimmed down to fit into the already comedy-stuffed show. Just think of it as the world's most low tech behind-the-scenes DVD extra.

As always, thanks to Andres and the gang for letting me contribute, and for making my writing 25% funnier by acting the hell out of it.

"The Andy Serkis Bit" by Dan McCoy

FRANCISCO
And now, ladies and gentleman, some jokes. What did the fat man say after winning the top trophy at the pie-eating contest? "To compete is its own reward." You see? Because, being very fat, he loves the flaky crust and the delicious...

During the above ANDY SERKIS has crept onstage, and begun mimicking Francisco's movements.

FRANCISCO
(noticing)
Um, excuse me, but I'm mid-joke. Could you please clear the stage?

SERKIS
Yeah, it's great, great. Just do that arm motion again, the one where you were demonstrating the precise fatness of the man...

FRANCISCO
I do not take requests-- besides, a comedian doing the same joke twice for one audience would be akin to a magician, explaining why his doves do not burn, beneath the old-fashioned serving platter doused in kerosene.

Serkis continues to mimic Francisco, pausing occasionally to take notes.

SERKIS
Brilliant, brilliant. Terrific stuff.

Francisco moves towards him, as if to physically remove him from the stage.

FRANCISCO
Would you get...
(recognizing)
Are you Andy Serkis?

SERKIS
That's me.

FRANCISCO
Gollum?

SERKIS
Yes.

FRANCISCO
King Kong?

SERKIS
Right.

FRANCISCO
The effete magazine editor from the Jennifer Garner vehicle 13 Going on 30?

SERKIS
(sighs)
Yes.

FRANCISCO
Wow! Look, audience, a celebrity has dropped by. Or as close to a celebrity as you can be, when your most significant work has been obscured by computer pixels. What brings you to the show?

SERKIS
Well, actually, Peter Jackson is interested in doing a Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game movie.

FRANCISCO
Get out!

SERKIS
No, it's true-- he's already got Fran Walsh and Phillipa Boyens working on abridging the show's title, while remaining true to its sprit-- don't let that get on the Internet, or the fans will go mental.

FRANCISCO
The nerds are protective of the purity of the text.

SERKIS
Anyway, your story really resonated with Pete-- the idea of a man coming from a small, backward country, and rocketing to success...

FRANCISCO
I don't know... rocketing...

SERKIS
And that's where you come in.

FRANCISCO
Peter Jackson wants me to star in a movie about my life?

SERKIS
Oh, no no no. Pete wants me to learn how to mimic your physicality, so that he can re-create you digitally, using CGI.

FRANCISCO
But... why not just use me?

SERKIS
Well, we really want "Francisco" to look photo-realistic.

FRANCISCO
I am photo realistic. I can show you! I have photos of myself in my wallet! A surprising number of them!

SERKIS
It's just not the direction we want to go.

FRANCISCO
But I'm not just a comedian-slash-master of ceremonies. I'm an actor. I played the Mother Superior in the Boliviguayan National Theater's production of More Nunsense: The Nunsensiest!

SERKIS
I'm sure you're the best Francisco Guglioni you can be, but there's a certain truth about Francisco that only I, with my particular talents, can capture. There's really no negotiation on this point. So, if you want the movie to go forward, you're going to have to let me do my work.

FRANCISCO
Fine. Just... try not to get in the way.

SERKIS
Cheers.

Throughout the following, Serkis is behind and just to the side of Francisco, mimicking his every move, slowly becoming more and more distracting.

FRANCISCO
Anyway, what was I... oh, yes, yes, jokes-- How many raccoons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Raccoons are largely nocturnal. Why did the blonde scientist throw her clock out the window? To test Einstein's theory of space-time... It was the window of a spaceship, traveling near a black hole. Very dangerous experiment. Unfortunately the results were inconclusive, since they were unable to retrieve the clock.

Serkis is right behind Francisco now, really getting into his personal space, causing Francisco to get more and more flustered.

FRANCISCO (cont'd)
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the street corner? An honored veteran. Please, give generously. Two dollars means a snack to you, but it means a big deal to...
(losing patience, to Serkis)
Would you get off me?!

SERKIS
What? What's wrong?

FRANCISCO
I don't care about the movie, it's not worth this. Could we get some cast members out here to escort Mr. Serkis out of the theater.

Whatever cast members are free congregate on the floor, next to stage left.

SERKIS
Good luck getting them to turn against me, Francisco! I've been living amongst them for weeks, learning their ways, gaining their trust.

CAST MEMBER
He bought us beer.

SERKIS
I'm one of them, now-- one of the tribe.

FRANCISCO
Clearly you actually know nothing of New York comedians, or you would know that they'll put up with anyone, as long as that person is buying.

CAST MEMBERS
(general agreement, "it's true," etc.)

SERKIS
(pointing to Mike Birch)
But that big silver-backed one tried to mate with me.

Everyone looks at Birch.

BIRCH
He bought us beer.

General acceptance from the cast, etc. Movement towards the stage.

CAST MEMBER
Sorry, Andy. If Francisco says you have to go, you have to go.

They escort Serkis off.

SERKIS
You'll regret this, Francisco! I'll be back to beat you up, as soon as I'm done researching the physicality of someone who could beat you up!

FRANCISCO
Get him out of here!

-Beat Two-

FRANCISCO
And now, ladies and gentlemen some more jokes. How do you punish Helen Keller? When you think about it, wasn't her life punishment enough?
(raising his hand)
Who here saw "The Miracle Worker?"

SERKIS
(in audience)
Oh, how droll. A traditional set-up, followed by a completely straight punchline. Farewell Demitri Martin, for you sir are the new king of deadpan comedy.

FRANCISCO
All right. Settle down, suspiciously loud and articulate audience member. What's another one... let's see... What has four legs and flies? A Griffin. It also has the body of a lion and the head of an eagle. You should brush up on your crypto-zoology.

SERKIS
Oh! And now he throws in an obscure and archaic term to congratulate the audience! Ha ha ha! I reward him with my laughter.

FRANCISCO
Okay, what is going on-- sir could you stand up?
(recognizing)
Is that... is it Andy Serkis?!

SERKIS
Yes, it is I. I'm surprised you could recognize me, so complete was my mimicry.

FRANCISCO
What are you doing back here?

SERKIS
Having my revenge! I thought to myself, "I could best Francisco physically, but what would hurt him more? My punches or my wits?"

FRANCISCO
As an Englishman, I'm betting it wasn't your punches.

SERKIS
Touche! So I decided to fight you by using my unique talents to mimic that which you fear most. A downtown comedy snob.

FRANCISCO
Oh no!

SERKIS
I based my performance around that man--
(points to audience member)
Only handsomer. And as a downtown comedy snob, I'm here to tell you that I saw David Cross in this bar mere weeks ago, and you're not fit to share a stage with him. Now bring me a PBR in a can!

FRANCISCO
Do not bring that man any ironically unfashionable drinks!

SERKIS
Everything you do, Andy Kaufman did thirty years ago, and better!

FRANCISCO
(reacting, as if stabbed)
Ouch. Your barbed words hurt me inside.

SERKIS
The only way you can defeat me, is to show me something that I've never seen before, cutting through layers upon layers of cultivated, jaded detachment.

FRANCISCO
Cast! Come here, I need you!

(available cast members huddle around Francisco-- much whispering and discussion)

SERKIS
Give it up, Francisco, it can't be done.

(the cast breaks huddle, and stands at attention)

FRANCISCO
(clears his throat)

(one of the cast members knees the other in the groin. over the speakers there is a fart noise. a beat. then Serkis breaks out laughing, uncontrollably.)

SERKIS
(while laughing)
Damn you and your comedy genius, Francisco!

FRANCISCO
Now get out of my sight!

SERKIS
(still laughing, to audience as he leaves)
King Kong is out on DVD!

FRANCISCO
No plugs, just go!

This Tuesday Just Seems... Giant-er Than Usual

Yes, this makes three plugs for one show, but I just wanted to remind you that tonight's GTN features a couple of bits written by me. So stop by, if you can:

Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game
Tuesday the 25th of April, at 8:00 pm
at Rififi/ Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street
between 1st and 2nd Avenues
Free (w/ a one drink minimum)

I won't be appearing in the show as a performer, just enjoying my own words (and those of the usual, terrific GTN crew) from the comfort of the audience. So if you like my writing, but hate my stupid face, this is the show for you!

And if you like the show, stick around and chat afterwards-- and buy me a drink, whydoncha? I don't get paid for this nonsense.

As always, thanks to Andres and the others for letting me contribute a little something to their great show. There's a new one every Tuesday, and hilarity always abounds. So if you're dropping by to see my little bit, and you like what you see, you should return when I'm not involved. Chances are, it'll be even funnier.

Oh, and on the off chance that Jason Jones spends his off hours idly Googling himself, I'd just like to thank him again for coming by to the New Kalan Show last Thursday-- he couldn't have been nicer, and was dedicated to making the show as funny as could be by tossing in extra contributions wherever appropriate, and basically making us look as good as possible. So thanks.

The New Kalan Show, Tonight!

Tonight

The New Kalan Show
Hosted by Elliott Kalan

With Special Guest Jason Jones










Featuring:
Devon Coleman, Brock Mahan, Dan McCoy, and Erik Marcisak

At The Gene Frankel Underground
Tonight, April 20, at 10:00 PM, $5

The Gene Frankel Underground is located at 24 Bond Street in the East Village of Manhattan.
(Don’t be scared, Bond Street is a short street that's just a cooler name for East 2nd Street). It's on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, behind the green door ( ! ). Just come on in -- we're located in the basement theater.

#6 to Bleecker Street at Lafayette W & R to 8th Street or Prince St B,D,F,V to Broadway/Lafayette

Ooh, Look! Video!

I was looking over at Andres Du Bouchet's blog, and noticed that he'd just posted a link to this video which gives a nice introduction to what his show Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game is all about. It's well worth viewing.

And also, this gives me an excuse to remind you that I will be contributing a bit to next Tuesday's GTN, so if you like what you see in the video, and you also like my stuff, then next Tuesday might be a good night to come check it out. That show again is...

Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game
Tuesday the 25th of April, at 8:00 pm
at Rififi/ Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street
between 1st and 2nd Avenues
Free (w/ a one drink minimum)

A Captains Update and Disturbing Dan-Related Celebrity News

A quick Captains in Space update. Our director/ editor/ star, Mr. Federico Hatoum, is back from his vacation south of the border, and has been plugging away on the latest episode. He assures me that it will likely be done by this weekend and available online shortly thereafter. So I'd look for it sometime early next week. Can you contain your excitement? Unlikely, my friend. Unlikely.


In other news, one of the Onion AV Club blogs pointed me towards this interesting website, where you can upload a photo of yourself, and their facial recognition software will analyze it and tell you what celebrity you most look like. So I uploaded my headshot, figuring that it's probably the most neutral picture of my face that I have.









And which celebrity do I look like?















That's right, Geri Halliwell.

I have to admit, they have a point. Which, aside from making me feel weird about all the dirty thoughts I've had about Geri Halliwell, also makes me rethink my headshot. Finally, I understand why I've been getting all those girl group callbacks. My headshot makes me look like a Spice Girl...

That, and the Union Jack miniskirt I wear everywhere.

Oh, and my tremendous rack.

RIMSHOT!

The Dead-Joke Office

Hey. In case you go for this sort of thing, here are some monologue-style jokes I wrote last week (they went unused). Why waste them, though? Here they are, for your mild amusement.

During a lavish nationally televised ceremony, which featured dancers performing while holding capsules of uranium, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced Tuesday that his country had successfully enriched uranium for the first time, and that Iran had also, finally, successfully given an entire dance troupe radiation sickness.

New York State Gubernatorial candidate Bill Weld misspoke this week when he said that Harlem has a huge "anthrax" problem, when he really meant asthma. So you may want to stop using those anthrax inhalers.

Ikea is planning to open a store in Beijing, China, that will be second only in size to its Stockholm showroom—but the Chinese Ikea furniture's flimsiness will be second to none.

New York State Senator Ada Smith defended herself on Tuesday against charges that she threw coffee in the face of an aide by saying that she doesn't drink coffee, she drinks tea—a telling detail that led Encyclopedia Brown to conclude that, in fact, the villain in this case was none other than Bugs Meany!

Barilla, the world's largest maker of pasta, announced that it will not renew its endorsement contract with skier Bode Miller, who failed to medal at this year's Winter Olympics, although Budwiser will maintain its lucrative deal with Mr. Miller, wherein, in exchange for cash, they give him beer.

It was reported this week that Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard are expecting a baby and plan to marry soon. The unborn child has already received an Independent Spirit Award.

President Bush on Wednesday went on the road to urge seniors to enroll in Medicare's prescription-drug program, in return for some delicious hard candy.

A man in South Africa, who set his pet snakes free inside the headquarters of the country's largest bank following a dispute over a loan, has been barred from entering any of the bank's branches ever again. The incident has inspired the new film, Snakes in a Bank, starring Samuel L. Jackson, with a screenplay by Dr. Seuss.

This week Winnie the Pooh was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Then, later, a dog did something extremely ironic on it.

While teen pregnancies is on the decline nationally, at a high school in Canton, Ohio during the 2004-2005 school year, 64 out of nearly 500 girls at the school became pregnant, and this year, 9 girls showed up on the first day of school pregnant. Look, Tom Cruise, we get it. You're not gay.

In honor of Easter, here is a picture of a fat rabbit.

Come See The New Kalan Show on April 20!

I think this post's title speaks for itself. However, if not, I present to you the "The New Kalan Show April 20 FAQ."

--

"What's so New about it?"

What's so new is that, after about a year of un-or-lightly-scripted fake talk show comedy goodness, the show is moving in the direction of more fully-planned bits. And that means that I, Dan McCoy, have been added as a writer, along with the maler half of Frowned Upon, Mr. Devon T. Coleman. Plus, former Colbert Report researcher/ current Fuse TV writer/ longtime Hypocrites partner and Kalan regular Brock Mahan is now "officially" on staff (whatever that means). So the show will be more McColmahan-tastic than ever before. Is that new enough for you?

Also, the show is no longer named The Midnight Kalan and isn't at midnight anymore. But that's been true since January, so it's not quite as new as the other stuff. Forget I said anything.

"What's so Kalan about it?"

What's so Kalan about it is that it's hosted by Elliott Kalan. Who's Elliott Kalan? By day he's an Associate Producer on The Daily Show, plus he writes a weekly humor column for Metro, and is one-half of the sketch team The Hypocrites. The New Kalan Show is his freewheeling talk show, which is sort of like Letterman, if Letterman was a twentysomething guy given to long digressions about failed dates and the golden age of Hollywood, and if his show was occassionally interrupted by ninja attacks or impromptu phone calls from a groggy Kiefer Sutherland. It's co-produced by longtime Kalan consiglieri and comedy impressario Erik Marcisak. You can learn more at the Manhattan Comedy Collective website.

"What's so Show about it?

Um... that's some weird syntax you're using, imaginary rhetorical questioner. I'll ignore it, though, and assume you're asking what makes it worth seeing. Aside from the stuff I mentioned above, on the April 20 show the guest will be Jason Jones, famed Daily Show correspondent (and Samantha-Bee-husband). So hilarity is virtually guaranteed. I'd like to note that The Daily Show is hugely popular (clearly much more so than our basement talk show) and seeing Jason Jones is probably the most tantalizing reason for any potential audience member to show up. And yet, I'm first mentioning his name in the fifth paragraph. I believe this is what's known, in the newspaper business, as "burying the leade."

"What's so April 20 about it?"

That's when it happens. Also it's at 10 PM, at The Gene Frankel Underground, 24 Bond Street, between Bowery and Lafayette. Closest subway stops are the Bleeker Street 6, Broadway Lafayette B/D/F/V, or Prince Street R. Tickets are $5 at the door, but you can buy them online for about a buck more, and guarantee yourself a seat. Also, if you get there at the beginning of the night, you can pay a flat $10 and see every Thursday Big Bang comedy show at the theater. What a deal! Especially if you have no other way fill up your sad, empty evenings. Wait-- don't cry! Oh, I always say the wrong thing!

"What's so The about it?"

I hate you, imaginary rhetorical questioner.

--

So, to sum up: come on out. It may well be your only chance to see me on the same stage as a star of The Daily Show, meaning that my career high may occur in a dank basement. How could you bear to miss it?

I told you the post's title spoke for itself.

Mystifying Things I've Seen at the Movies Lately

So, I usually save this space for self-promotion, and nothing else, believing that to use it for other things (1.) would inevitably turn into navel-gazing, and (2.) would take time away from doing more productive writing. However, there are a few things I need to address, and they seem distinctly blog-like, rather than performance or publication-oriented, so here goes...

The Mystery of the Will Rodgers Foundation PSA

Here in NYC (and likely the rest of the country, though I wouldn't know for sure) they're running a public service announcement in front of movies. Here's a bare-bones synopsis, adjusted for my weak memory.

A teenage girl walks through the halls at school, and Miss Piggy comes up to her, yelling "Jenny! Jenny!" wanting to remind her about some charity fashion show that she needs to help Miss Piggy with, after school. Jenny takes out a marker and writes a reminder to herself on her arm. Then she's in the library where Fozzie and Gonzo remind her that their science report is due tomorrow, and she needs to work on that. Jenny makes another note. Also I think Kermit asks her for something, but I forget (I told you, weak memory). Jenny then comes home where her mom is shocked to see that Jenny's arms are completely covered in writing. Then Teri Hatcher comes out and, with the Muppets, tells the audience that if you're a teen with stress you should visit the Will Rodgers institute website for tips on de-stressing your life.

Oh the questions this ad raises!

1.) Most importantly (and the source of most of the questions to follow): What do the Muppets have to do with teen stress? And what does teen stress have to do with the Will Rodgers institute? And Terri Hatcher? What of her?

2.) Why are the Muppets harassing this poor girl? Is this some dystopian universe where human children are slaves to muppets?

Sub question:

Why are the Muppets enrolled in a human school? I suppose the Muppets and humans have always lived together happily in mixed neighborhoods (see Sesame Street for an example of human/ puppet harmony). But it seems odd that a teacher would assign Jenny to work on a group project with Fozzie and Gonzo, as I had always assumed that both were high school graduates, based on their having been college students at the beginning of The Muppets Take Manhattan. At the very least, they must have gotten their GED's.

Plus, it's odd that Fozzie, one of the kindest of the Muppets would place all the responsibility for writing the project on this poor girl. If he is truly committed to her friendship and to education, he should contribute. (On the other hand, Gonzo cares only for his art.)

3.) Why does Jenny react to each new development by writing on her arms? Perhaps the true source of stress is that she lacks notebooks. If I were to try and make it through school without paper, I might need Teri Hatcher's intervention as well.

4.) And Teri Hatcher, what of her? Specifically, does she, or the Muppets, actually speak to today's teens? I mean, Teri Hatcher's best known for being on a show geared towards 30-to-45-year-old women and gay men, and before that, she was best known for turning Superman into a dramedy love interest. And the Muppets, much as I love them, appeal mainly to adults who remember The Muppet Show, and Gen-Xers who grew up with the movies. Today's puppets are too busy making obscene crank calls to hang out with teenagers.

5.) According to their website, The Will Rodgers Foundation is "a charitable foundation in the USA supporting research in asthma, tuberculosis and pulmonary diseases." What's with the sudden concern about teen stress? Did they just figure that curing actual diseases was too tough, and quietly decided to shift their focus to something relatively managable?

Thank God the PSA wasn't for something fatal, like cancer, or we'd never save any lives, due to widespread confusion.

The Mystery of the Slightly Risque British Underdog Comedy

Or, to be more succinct, when did "The Full Monty" stop being a movie and become a genre? I was never a particular fan of The Full Monty-- it seemed more "cute" than it did funny-- but at least its story was reasonably original: "unemployed steelworkers do full-frontal nude revue to raise money." Then came Calendar Girls: "middle-aged ladies raise money for hospital by posing nude for calendar." Then there was Mrs. Henderson Presents: "theater stays open, even during the war, thanks to live nude tableaux." Now I see the trailer for Kinky Boots, which could be described as "man saves shoe factory, with aid of transvestite, by making sexy footware."

Why do you have to keep telling me this story, England? I get it! English people can be naughty in a lovable, twee, take-the-whole-family sort of way! Now get back to being repressed, like you are on PBS. My heart can only take so much mild titillation.

Please, if anyone can help me solve these mysteries, let me know.

The World's Most Meta College Course

Numbering 101: Introduction to 101

Mark Your Calendars for Late April Fun

For the very few of you that like to keep track of these things far in advance, I'll be making another one of my occasional contributions to Andres Du Bouchet & Company's most excellent variety show, Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game, on April the 25th at 8:00 PM at Rififi/Cinema Classics 332 E. 11th St. (between 1st & 2nd Aves). The show is free, with a one-reasonably-priced-drink minimum.

I won't be making a cameo this time (I know that this news is sure to disappoint all who caught my Tony Award-nominated* performance as "Sarcastic Strawberry Vendor" back in March. Instead, my contribution is on the writing side-- I like how the bit I scripted turned out, and it'll probably be a two-parter, which means more me for your buck (like you care), in addition to all the usual GTN hilarity (well worth your time).

So come on out. Since I won't be onstage, maybe we can sit together in the audience. That way it's easier for you to buy me a beer.

*Damn you Nathan Lane!**

**I'm not damning Nathan Lane for beating me out for the Tony Award, as that part about me being nominated was a shameless lie. I was damning him for "Mouse Hunt."

Captains in Space Episode Two Online

The second episode of Captains in Space is now available online. So run and get it. You can view it via YouTube, if you like, but the quicktime version is better. Even better still? If you have a video iPod, you can subscribe to it as a podcast (which you should, because it looks sharpest on the iPod screen. I don't have a video iPod personally, but my better-heeled friends have let me use theirs, and it looks really nice).

Also, as Captain Fed says, "Please encourage your friends to subscribe to Captains via iTunes. The more people we get to do that (and leave reviews), the more likely the iTunes folks will feature the show. Once we get featured, that will increase the audience dramatically. I know we're more interesting than "Yogamazing", which is on the first page of featured video podcasts." Don't you want us to acheive Internet fame? It's the worst kind of fame there is! (Well, other than infamy.)

The latest episode, Advice, guest-stars our friends Rick Murphy and Lindsay Joy, and if you like them here, you should check them out in the live show "Rick Murphy is an Asshole," which will play as part of The Manhattan Comedy Collective's "Big Bang," every Thursday night in April at 8:00 PM, which was written by Rob Bates and Laura Buchholz, two fine humans, indeed. Yes, it's not all self-promotion here at Whither Laffs. Sometimes it's friends-of-self promotion too.














And, speaking of The Manhattan Comedy Collective (or MC2, as the cool kids say), Captains in Space will be playing as a video short during May's Big Bang shows. So, if you don't like watching things alone, on a tiny screen, you can come out and watch Captains in Space in a crowd, on a big screen, at the accompanying lower resolution. Yay! More MC2 information to come, as May draws nearer.

There will be a slightly longer lag between this episode and episode three, because our co-creator/director/editor/control freak Fed will be on a Latin American vacation (adios!) the first week of April, but once he's back, you can start eagerly anticipating your next Captains fix.

As always, thanks for caring about any of this nonsense.

Thanks

In an orgy of self-reflexive posting, I'd just like to thank The Apiary for kindly taking notice of our little Internet show. We appreciate the support, and I hope people keep an eye out for the new episodes as they come out...

Captains in Space Are GO!

After a period of fevered anticipation, unmatched on the Internet since the advent of Matrix-themed pornography, the first episode of Captains in Space is finally online.

You can download the episode directly, to watch on your computer, but the real fun comes if you have a video iPod, in which case you can subscribe to the RSS feed, and get new episodes sent directly to your iPod as soon as they're made available. It's simple. First you (1.) send me 1/2 of your discretionary income, because if you have a video iPod, you clearly earn more money than I, and (2.) simply click on one of the links over at the official website to sign up via iTunes or several other popular podcasting programs (I apologize for the alliteration, but there wasn't really a better way to phrase that). These are the best ways of viewing the episode, but if the high-quality video file is a bit jumpy on your computer, you can also view a lower-res version via YouTube.

Special thanks are due to Fed, our co-creator/ director, who went the extra mile to make sure that the special effects look pretty darn professional for an Internet series, with the budget of some food stamps, some copper wire, and a beat-up copy of Al Jaffee's "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions #38." One thing's for sure-- it looks miles better than any BBC sci-fi series from the 70's or 80's.

Anyway, we're all quite pleased with the first episode, and now that we've established the characters and the world, future episodes can only get stranger, funnier, and more Captainstastic.*

Editing for the second episode is well underway, so you may be seeing it sooner than you think. On the other hand, we're not getting paid for this, so little things like "day jobs" might slow us down. Still, keep watching the skies.**

*not a real word

**please don't sue us, the estate of Howard Hawks

Fantastic Newness!

The esteemed Elliot Kalan has added me, along with his "Hypocrites" partner Brock Mahan, and Mr. Devon T. Coleman (one-half of Frowned Upon) to the semi-staff of The New Kalan Show.

Elliott enjoys some pizza with his co-workers, Rocket Joe's-style.

What does semi-staff mean? Who knows. I think it means that there will be less writing out of "scripts" than there was over at Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, and more "vague ideas for bits making reference to well-known-only-to-film-buffs Hollywood figures like Frank Tashlin or Val Lewton."

Anyway, this will be Elliott's first time working with a staff on this show other than producer/ writer Erik Marcisak, and the recently-departed-for-L.A. director/ tech wizard Joe Guercio so that means that in the equation that is The New Kalan Show, I guess that...

The Kalan = Elliott

New = Brock & Devon & me.*

Show = Show

Although I suppose that's not so much an equation, more like a legend or key. But I'll use "equation" if I want to, just like I'll start a sentence with the word "but" if I want to, as well. Get off my back, you pedantic bastards!

Oddly enough, with the addition of Mr. Mahan to the Captains in Space writing staff, there's approximately a 75% crossover between TNKS and CiS. Maybe this will inspire people on the Internet to write fan fiction where the characters from each show cross over. That would be cool... at least, as long as it's not slash fiction.

Speaking of Captains in Space, I've seen the completed first episode, and it looks great-- amazing effects, considering our budget of a penny, some twine, and a cup of dried gravy. All that needs to be done now is some technical gobbledygook with servers and setting up the podcast feed, etc. But the public should be able to download it by Monday or Tuesday.

*Keep an eye out for the new sitcom "Brock & Devon & Me" this fall on Fox!

March Clinical Depression-ness, Continued!

Hey folks. I haven't had the opportunity to update in a while (partly thanks to an until-yesterday lack of Internet brought on by changing apartments-- damn you Time Warner Cable!) but here's a quick rundown of some items of note.

Esteemed former Jest editor Frank Santopadre, who shepherded the magazine/ website over its last year or so of existence, set up a meeting with a few writers over at MAD Magazine, to see if we could wrangle a little freelance work. So I don't want to jinx it, but keep your fingers crossed-- I may soon be making some 12 to 16 year-old boys laugh. Oh, and by the way, the MAD offices are exactly how Bart Simpson imagined them, with people jumping around on pogo sticks, and Alfred E. Newman yelling "Get me Kaputnik and Fonebone. I want to see their drawings for 'New Kids on the Bleech!' And where's my fershluggen partrami sandwiches?!"

Also, the first episode of Captains in Space should be online by this time next week, if not earlier. I know I promised it to you by early March, but it took a little longer because of some special effects issues, and just ironing out some related details for our "pilot" episode. Now that the initial work has been done, our esteemed director Fed says that the other episodes should take less time to put together. So check back next week, and I should have the link for you.

GTN Bit From 3/7/06

I rarely use this site to post my actual writing, preferring to simply use it as a calendar of events or related self-promotion/ self-obsession. I do this for two reasons (1.) so I don't have to annoy people with inbox-clogging email promotions, and (2.) because who needs another blog, anyway? On the other hand, this policy tends to lead to (3.) me having no readers.

So I'm breaking with tradition (and I might do so again in the future, from time to time) to post this bit from this week's Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game. In addition to writing it, I played the key role of "vendor." It seemed to go over well, despite my dropping a line or two.

Thanks to Andres and the rest of the GTN crew for letting me play in their sandbox for a little while.

The Ironic Vendor Sketch

FRANCISCO
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to play Egg or Anguish. Where one lucky audience member will win a solid gold egg, unearthed from an ancient Mayan temple, and another audience member will die horribly, never having known true love. It's one of our most popular reoccurring segments... although honestly, I don't know how, week after week, we manage to keep finding these golden eggs. One would think there would be a finite number available for...

While Francisco has been talking, a man has entered from behind the audience, and walked up the aisle towards the stage. He carries a carton of strawberries, and a large placard that reads Free Strawberries, with quotation marks around the word "Free."

VENDOR
(extremely sarcastic voice, throughout)
Free strawberries! "Free" strawberries!

FRANCISCO
(to vendor)
Excuse... excuse me!

VENDOR
Free...
(to Francisco)
Hey man, I'm working.

The vendor climbs up on stage.

VENDOR (cont'd)
It would be a shame if someone kept me from fulfilling my duties by drawing me into a long conversation while I'm on the clock. It's not like I get paid either way.

FRANCISCO
You don't get paid...?

VENDOR
(sighs)
No, I do. What is it?

FRANCISCO
We're just trying to do a show here, and we don't traditionally have someone wandering around selling concessions-- particularly fresh fruit...
(reconsidering)
Although those strawberries do look delicious. They're free, you say?

VENDOR
Pfft. Yeah, they're "free."

FRANCISCO
Are you... are you sure?

VENDOR
No, I'm not sure. Why don't you look at the sign?

He holds up the sign.

VENDOR (cont'd)
See?

FRANCISCO
It's just that you sound awfully sarcastic, and your sign has quotes around the word "free," which leads me to believe that there are some strings attached, or that "free" is somehow meant ironically.

VENDOR
Oh, those. Yeah, the quotes are around that word because it's a quotation.

FRANCISO
A quotation.

VENDOR
Yeah.

FRANCISCO
An extremely short, one-word, quotation.

VENDOR
Yeah. Like an endorsement.

FRANCISCO
From whom?

VENDOR
Deceased character actor J.T. Walsh.

FRANCISCO
J.T. Walsh?! What was the context of this quote?

VENDOR
It was part of the sentence, "So, are these strawberries really free, or what?" Nice guy. He was great in "The Negotiator."

FRANCISCO
So the strawberries are definitely free.

VENDOR
The strawberries are definitely, positively, absolutely
(he makes air quotes)
"Free."

FRANCISCO
What was that?

VENDOR
What?

FRANCISCO
That gesture you made.

VENDOR
It was a twitch. I have Parkinson's Disease.

FRANCISCO
Oh, I'm sorry.
(he reaches for a berry)
Well, in that case I'll...

A second vendor enters from the back of the house.

SECOND VENDOR
Strawberries! Complementary strawberries! Hey!

He bounds up on stage.

SECOND VENDOR (cont'd)
Good evening sir! Are you tired of other vendors offering
(he does air quotes)
"free" strawberries? Do you crave the sweet, sun-kissed flavor of summer fruit, but don't want to deal with the mind-games of other gratis berry purveyors?

FRANCISCO
Do I ever!

SECOND VENDOR
Then take a berry, kind sir! Take a berry and fly free!

Francisco takes a berry and eats it.

SECOND VENDOR (cont'd)
That'll be $52 shipping and handling.

Music cue: "Shave and a Haircut Two Bits."

FRANCISCO
(reacting to cue)
What was that?

SECOND VENDOR
Sorry, that's my watch. I set the alarm to remind myself that I need to get a shave and a haircut. Gotta go. I'll put the berries on your tab.

He exits.

FRANCISCO
Wait!

Francisco beckons after the second vendor, but is too late. The first vendor regards Francisco with disgust.

VENDOR
Well, I hope you're happy. Your quest for sarcasm-free free berries only led to greater expenditure...
(crossing center stage, to audience)
And I hope we've all learned a valuable lesson about dramatic irony. Mainly that it's a cheap way to get out of a comedy scene. You could've had strawberries! But perhaps Earth isn't ready to believe that a close personal friend of the late J.T. Walsh would distribute fruit without regard for personal gain. Maybe mankind just needs time to mature. As for now, I must take my leave of you-- but when you think of me, think of me as a hero. A hero that for some reason really wants to give you some berries. Farewell.

He leaves the stage.

FRANCISCO
Goodbye, berry man!

VENDOR
Yeah...
(air quotes)
"whatever."

SSIOWY Reunion!

Big news, people. I'll turn it over to Schaefes to tell you in her own words, because I'm lazy:

"Hello friends!

This Friday, The Wiener Philharmonic graciously shares their stage with me! I will host a super special reunion special of my show, 'Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You'! The SSIOWY cast/writers will meet on stage for the first time in four months! Come find out where are they now, and if they plan on making an SSIOWY movie! Special guests include members of the Wiener Philharmonic, a hither-to-unnamed musical guest, and as always, a star of Law & Order! All the great things you've come to expect from SSIOWY, except now smothered in buttery nostalgia, Paula Deen style.

Friday, March 10, 8:00pm, $8
The People's Improv Theatre
154 W. 29th Street (6th and 7th Ave)
2,3,9,B,D,F,V,N,Q,R,W,A,C,E to 34th St."

That's right-- we only stopped doing the show four months ago, and now we're back for an all-new special. Can "A Very Sara Schaefer Christmas" and "It's Arbor Day, Sara Schaefer!" be far behind?



Will there be anything in the reunion to approach the hilarity of this photo of Dan and Sara sharing a drink from a giant goblet? You'll have to see the show to find out...

See Me Perform Tonight!

A reminder: I will be in Andres Du Bouchet & Co.'s show Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game, doing a bit I wrote, tonight, March the 7th, at 8:00 PM at Rififi/Cinema Classics 332 E. 11th St. (between 1st & 2nd Aves.) There is one drink minimum, but drinks are cheap, and I'll seem funnier with the booze anyway.

The Countdown to Captains in Space Continues...

The gallery at the Captains in Space website has been updated. And by "updated," I mean that there are now actually pictures there. We're still aiming to have the first episode out in early March, but until then, enjoy these exclusive, behind-the-scenes shots! And you didn't even have to buy the DVD for this stuff. Dear god, we're good to you people.






























There are a ton of great photos over there, but I'm leaving you with this one, because it's from Future Shock, the one out of this first cycle of episodes that I wrote. Hey, it's my blog after all.

Plugs = Free Stuff? Hmmn...

So, a while back, I wrote a piece for the then-still-alive-and-kicking Jest Magazine, titled Highlights From the 1st Annual Softcore Porn Awards (and boy am I ever so glad that this hi-larious article lives on via the Internet, for my mom to see). All of the movie titles and names of stars were made up except one: Misty Mundae. Those of you who are connoisseurs of late-night programming on off-brand premium cable channels like Showtime and Cinemax should recognize her from a series of titles put out by ei Independent Cinema, home of the Shock-O-Rama and Seduction Cinema imprints.

My fondness for Ms. Mundae is based on her looking like an actual, honest to god human, rather than some sort of surgical experiment. Additionally, she can actually act, as witnessed by her appearance in the recent Showtime's Masters of Horror episode "Sick Girl," directed by Lucky McKee. So I tossed her into the fake article, as a quiet little shout-out.

Months later, the completely delightful Paige Kay Davis, V.P. of Publicity at ei, contacted me to get her hands on the piece (apparently they keep all the press clippings that mention their movies/ stars). I sent her one of the now-out-of-print and sure to be a collectors' item issues (have YOU collected them all?), and, in return, she was kind enough to mail me a few DVDs. So I am now the proud owner of Bite Me, Screaming Dead, and Spiderbabe. See what comedy writing can get you, kids? It's a gold mine, I tells ya!

I am the darling of the exploitation film world.

In other news, I'm moving to another neighborhood in Brooklyn at the end of this month. Please give me all your cardboard boxes.

Congratulations

Just want to give a brief shout-out to friend and former manager of the gone-but-not-forgotten Juvie Hall, Erik Marcisak, who stars in a film that just made it into the Austin Film Festival. Good work, man.

Captains in Space Update and a Deranged Andy Rooneyesque Harangue

The Captains in Space website has been updated with a little more production information, and a great still of the cast (by the way, our thanks to The Apiary for making note of us last week). Check it out. The shoot was fun, despite the record-breaking snowfall, and Fed's already put together a nearly complete title sequence that looks mighty impressive, despite our budget of a dime, a thumbtack, and three dried pinto beans. This weekend I'll be recording some voice-over, announcer-y stuff, so you can look forward to my melifluous voice when the first episode hits in early March. It's all coming together, people. Start printing up those bootleg t-shirts.

Also, as it's Friday, may I remind NYC readers to pick up a copy of Metro for my friend Elliot Kalan's weekly column. It will brighten your otherwise miserable commute-- perhaps the only laughs you'll have on the subway that aren't nervous ones, as you try to avoid eye contact with the greasy guy fumbling around in his pants. I've also discovered that you can read it online here. So many ways to waste time at work...

But please, if you're reading the paper version, don't let your eyes drift down and to the right, or you might accidentally read The Metro Cartoon: It's All About You, (what a godawful, ungainly title). Is The Metro Cartoon: It's All About You the least funny comic strip in the world? (Comic strip. Comic strip, people! Multi-panel comics are strips. Cartoons are single panel, or they star Bugs Bunny. And, yeah, I realize this is a geeky thing to get annoyed about.) The answer is: not quite. But that's only because B.C.'s Johnny Hart became a born-again Christian.

Speaking of which: I'm sure thousands of people have made this observation before, but how is it that all these cavemen are Christians? It's right there in the title! B.C. Before Christ! It's like a comic about a bunch of Elizabethans standing around discussing how much they love George Washington...unless this is some sort of sci/ fi, alternate universe, where there was a Caveman Christ.

Caveman Christ. Now there's a comic I could get behind. Get on it, Metro!

Rejection Receives Recognition

Thanks to comedy superfan Rachel Kramer Bussel's sharp eyes*, I was alerted to this story. Some Associated Press reporters were at the performance of The Rejection Show I mentioned previously, the one that featured a short film by my old fake boss Sara Schaefer (in which I had an approximately 20-second cameo), and wrote up a piece about it.

It's a nice article, and it even comes with a little video you can check out.










*which you can witness, bespectacled, in the aforementioned video.

March Madness... or at least mild depression

For those of you who like to plan your calendar three weeks in advance, take note: I will be performing in Andres Du Bouchet & Co.'s fantastic variety show Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game on March the 7th, at 8:00 PM. I will be acting in a bit that I wrote, essaying the character of "Sarcastic Strawberry Vendor." Make of that what you will.

If you've never seen the show before, just know that it's one of the best and funniest comedy shows in the city, an opinion I held long before I got the chance to contribute anything to it.

The show is every Tuesday at Rififi/Cinema Classics 332 E. 11th St. (between 1st & 2nd Aves.)There is one drink minimum, but with $3 MGD on tap, I think you can swing it.

Finalist! The Sequel!

Another one of my TV spec scripts has (sort of) won an award.

My Simpsons spec, "Jesus Christ Superstation," was a semi-finalist in Scriptapalooza's TV writing competition, one of the largest of its kind. (This year they received a total of 806 scripts - 241 pilots, 230 1 hour episodics and 335 sitcoms.)

Mine was the only one of the finalists that was a Simpsons script. Some might say that this was because I was the only person dumb enough to spec for a more-than-ten-years-old show. I like to think that it's because I was the only person talented enough to put a new spin on a more-than-ten-years-old show. Y'know. We all tell ourselves lies to survive.

This is my second spec, and the second to (sort of) win an award. (The continuing parenthetical interjections seek to acknowledge that the question of whether or not being a finalist constitutes winning anything is debatable.) Two out of two ain't bad.

Now can someone hire me? Or at least get me a damn agent?

May I Remind You...

...that the always lovely Sara Schaefer will be screening a five-minute comedy short, with a cameo appearance by the always-lovely me, at tonight's Rejection Show.

That is all.

"Captains" Website is Live!

So, the website for Captains is up and running. There's currently not that much content there, since we haven't actually shot any of the episodes yet, but it's still pretty neat. Go to http://www.captainsinspace.com/ to check it out. You can read a little about the concept and get bios of the people involved, and the front page is a blog where (I'm just assuming, since Fed is the webmaster) production news will be updated as we progress.

One of the more exciting pieces of news is that Andrea Rosen will be appearing in Future Shock, one of the episodes I wrote. You may have seen her in a reoccuring role in the very funny Stella on Comedy Central, a show I hope will return for a second season, although perhaps it's been shunted off to make room for more episodes of "Distraction" or 12 hours of Mad TV reruns. You know... for kids.

Anyway, to sum up, here are the things that you'll be able to find on the Captains website as of now:

-A spiffy logo
-A series synopsis
-Gratuitous use of the word "space"
-An email address for you to spam
-A reference to a "sexy onboard computer"
-Bios of the cast, crew, and writers
-Including a bio of Devon T. Coleman which is funnier than the boilerplate bio I contributed. What's that guy's problem, anyway?
-A photo of me holding a martini and a cat

Things you won't be able to find on the Captains website:

-Nude photos of any of the above (aside from the aforementioned cat)
-Actual episodes of the show

But they're coming, friends! (Uh... the episodes, not the nude photos.) We hope by early March. Keep checking in.

Happy Groundhog Day!

If You're Bored of Me

It's not personal news, but I wanted to give a couple of plugs to some certified F.O.D.'s.

First off, if you're in NYC, you should pick up a copy of Metro, one of the many free dailies that accompany bored subway riders on their daily commutes. Why? (Other than the thrilling expose on how men want to sleep with Jessica Alba?) Because Elliot Kalan, associate producer on The Daily Show and host of The New Kalan Show (formerly "The Midnight Kalan," on which I had the pleasure of appearing, for the "Night of Stallone" show) is now contributing a weekly column. And today is the kick-off piece. According to insider sources (read: Elliott), the column should appear every Friday hereafter. So rejoice, commuters! Three minutes of your day just got a lot more interesting!

Also: what has Sara Schaefer been doing, since the shuttering of Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You? She's been doing some solo performances around the city (the SSIOWY staff got together for a mini-reunion to enjoy her act at Variety Underground a couple of weeks ago). I'd like to highlight one particular performance: her upcoming appearance at The Rejection Show.

The Rejection Show
February 7th @ 8:30PM, $10
Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction
34 Avenue A (2nd and 3rd St.)
Tickets available in advance via Ticketweb.com or call or visit the Mo Pitkin's box office at (212) 777-5660
F or V to Second Ave.
Other people presenting rejections: Michael Showalter (Stella, The State, The Baxter), Peter Hyman (The Reluctant Metrosexual, Spin Magazine), and New Yorker Cartoonists!

Sara will be presenting a rejected Channel 102 pilot, which, as a bonus for the Whither Laffs reader, features about 30 seconds of me. See the music video where I took an ostensibly comedic pratfall, the scar from which I can still see on my shoulder.

Hooray for friends. Woo woo.

"Update, or: In Which I, Your Humble Host, Hit You Over the Head with a Four-by-Four"

As promised, here is the information about my appearance on Saturday:

Eric Zuckerman and I will be hosting 4x4, a series of four ten-minute comic plays (why that doesn't make it 4x10, god only knows), at the Gotham City Improv.

Cost: $10 (or $2.50/ play)
Time: Saturday, January 28, at 8:30 (length of show approx. 1 hour)
Location: 158 West 23rd St., 2F (above Monster Sushi)
Directions: Take the C. E, N, R, 1, 9 or F to 23rd Street then walk towards 7th Ave.

Mr. Z and I will be hosting as Caine and Hoskins-- meaning that I will be doing my inimitable Michael Caine impression and Zuckerman will be doing his incredible Bob Hoskins impression... which got me to thinking: have these two Cockeney acting titans ever done a movie together? And if not, some producer needs to get the two of them together IMMEDIATELY. It turns out that they have done one film together, Neil Jordan's 1986 British gangster-romance, "Mona Lisa." But they were hardly co-stars. I was thinking something more on the order of this:

CAINE.................... HOSKINS

in

LIMEYS!

Or, even better...

CAINE.................... HOSKINS

in

BLIMEY!

Could be great...

In the Bleak Midwinter

Well, it's been a while since I've updated this thing, and that's not because I've forgotten you, dear reader (how could I ever forget YOU?), but because there's not much that's been going on. I've allowed myself to succumb to post-holiday laziness. However, things should be picking up from here, and if you've been jonesing for some Dan-related comedy (which puts you in about the one-millionth of one percent of the population-- although, luckily, most of that percentage knows about this calendar/ blog), then you're in luck.

Yes, in my first performance since 2005, I will be appearing this Saturday evening from 8:30-9:30, co-hosting a slate of four ten-minute plays... the perfect length for a play, in my easily-distracted opinion. My partner in this endeavor will be one Mr. Eric Zuckerman, whom you may know as "Doomsday Guy" from the 4th highest-grossing film of the year*, War of the Worlds. That's right. I'll be sharing the stage with someone who has recieved valuable direction from Mr. Steven Spielberg himself-- direction that possibly included, "Look over there," and, "Louder."

I don't know all the details just yet (Mr. Z is running point on this operation and he has yet to apprise me of all the ins and outs) but I wanted to warn you immediately, in case you needed to clear your already sparse Saturday-evening calendar. As soon as I know all the salient information, I'll post it right here.

In other news, following my semi-award winning TV spec scripts that have completely failed to win me an agent as of yet, I've decided to write a screenplay. Just as soon as I, y'know... figure out how to do that.

Also, production is underway on multiple episodes of the video podcast "Captains," mentioned in the link bar to the right of your screen. It's a little comedy sci/fi series being put together by my friend Fed, his friend Adam, Mr. Devon T. Coleman, and yours truly. I'll give you more details as production progresses, but we're hoping that the first episode might be available by late February or early March, at which point the aforementioned link will become active, and the wealthy among you can enjoy our shenanigans via your video iPod, the middle class can enjoy our shenanigans via your computers' Quicktime video programs, and the poor can enjoy distorted re-tellings of our shenanigans while huddled around the Tang-cooler.

In other news, I am irredemably self-obsessed.

*According to the Entertainment Weekly I read on the subway this morning.

Please, Kill Me!

So I sent some pitches to MAD Magazine a while back, one of which they liked; and I did a little back and forth with them on a couple of drafts. Anyway, ultimately they decided that they didn't want to use the piece, but they liked what I'd done and wanted to give me something for my work, so they're going to pay me a $100 "kill fee." Cool. This is the first time I've been paid for writing something that didn't get published (well, that's not true-- I think Jest may have paid me for a piece that didn't get published because they folded before they could use it, but at least they intended to use it). Anyway, what a cool move on MAD Magazine's part. And I'm still hoping to write something sometime that they'll actually print, so stay tuned.

I was going to make a joke about never getting paid for nothing before... but, sadly, I'm familiar with the joys of unemployment checks. All things considered, I'd rather be paid to not get published.