I used to be part of a monthly talk show called "The Primetime Kalan," with my friends Elliott and Erik. Last year around this time, we had our Halloween show, which we hosted as "Ghost Hunting Club of New York," three paranormal scholars who went to various locations in the NY area, trying to catch a ghost. (A side note: our guest for that show was The Daily Show's Dan Bakkedahl, who showed up in a helmet and knee pads, claiming that he thought we were the "Go Stunting" club.)
Anyway, it's taken a year for them to show up online, but here, for the very first time, are the Primetime Kalan Ghost Hunting Videos! (Cinematography courtesy of Brock Mahan)
Video One: "Grant's Tomb" - by Elliott Kalan
Video Two: "The Jersey Devil" - by Dan McCoy
Video Three: "The Yeti of Williamsburg" by Erik Marcisak
And, as a special bonus, I offer this fourth video. It was done by Elliott, Erik, and former show director-turned-Flavor-of-Love-editor Joe Guercio long before I was involved with the Kalan show. Still, you can see that this video share many of the same themes from the ghost hunting shorts (for instance, the conviction that pipes, 80's-style montages, and Photoshop are the tickets to comedy success), proving that it was inevitable that I'd join the group eventually.
Just one bit of background: R2-D2 was Elliott's "co-host" on his show, until they decided to abandon that bit. This video was produced to explain his absence from the show, but you don't really need to know that to enjoy the video, other than one or two stray comments.
WARNING: Do not watch if you are sensitive to violence against robots
"The End of R2-D2"
Showing posts with label Joe Guercio. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joe Guercio. Show all posts
Friday, October 12, 2007
Monday, December 18, 2006
The Primetime Kalan: THE FINAL EPISODE Recap
The final Primetime Kalan was this Saturday past, and I think the occasion warrants a show synopsis.
The audience took their seats to a DVD of the world's worst cartoons, projected on the back wall, and once the (sell out) crowd was settled, things got rolling. Elliott got up and did his monologue, about his recent 25th birthday, and thathis newfound adulthood sadly means that he'll never acquire the label "child prodigy." However, it's the perfect time for a retrospective, so he introduced that evening's show "A Celebration of 25 Years of Kalan."
To help explain why this anniversary show was also the final show, Elliott brought me up to interview him. After some tension, resulting from my no-holds-barred, hardball style (I quizzed him about why he was putting me out of work), he explained that he wanted to end things now so he could go out on top. I disputed his position that doing a show in the basement of an East Village bar was, in fact, going out on top, but Elliott remained unswayed. To my query as to why he refused to sell me the name for $10,000, so I could do "The Primetime McCoy," he said that he felt a spin-off would "weaken the brand," and that it wouldn't serve the core goal of "getting the Kalan name out there." He was firm in his decision to retire to his mansion, play tennis, and contribute the occasional joke to Letterman. When I asked to visit the mansion, he said no.
We then had a video from former Primetime Kalan director (and current assistant on the Flava Flav dating show Flava of Love), Joe Guercio. He wished Elliott a happy birthday, while casually knocking over several videotapes.
This was followed by an audio greeting from Brock Mahan, Elliott's longtime writing partner. He gave Elliott a touching testimonial, taking time out from his busy life of berating a Hawaiian desk clerk for not properly booking the Aloha Suite for himself and "LonelyHousewife69."
It was then time for a look back at Elliott's turbulent life and times. A video montage of scenes from the 80's gave way to the 90's, and then to black and white cartoons and footage of the 1936 Olympics. Finally, the scene shifted to the shooting of JFK, and the eternal flame, ending with a picture of Elliott and the caption "Elliott Kalan, 1981-2006." Elliott objected that the video made it seem like he'd died, but Erik assured him that it was just "in memory" of all the entertainment he's provided, specifically between the years of '81 and '06.
Erik went on to say that there were a few memorial notices from companies whose products Elliott had consumed while alive. Goldfish Crackers sent a notice recognizing Elliott life, and spoke of plans for limited edition Elliott-flavored crackers, "in the shape of all of Elliott's favorite things," including Spider-Man, Frankenstein's monster, and soft-core Cinemax porn. Coca-Cola also sent condolences, quoting Elliott's interview in "Beverage Aficianado Magazine," in which he'd stated his desire to be buried in a casket filled with Coke, and"slowly dissolve into his favorite drink." They also sent a complimentary bottle of Coca-Cola Blak. Lastly, the makers of black t-shirts sent a message saying that "When Elliott stopped wearing black t-shirts with old horror movie posters on them, tucked into black jeans, it stopped being cool."
Then The Daily Show's John Oliver got on stage, to deliver Elliott's eulogy, over Elliott's repeated protests that he was, in fact, still alive ("Please Elliott, this is going to be emotional enough as it is, without you standing there talking.") Oliver spoke about how difficult it was to lose such a man in the same week that we lost Augusto Pinochet, continuing about the parallels between them. He had the audience play a game, in which he invited them to guess whether a given quote was from Kalan or Pinochet. (Surprisingly, "Where's my Woody Allen boxed set" was from Pinochet.) He discussed rumors that Elliott had done marvelous things like invent a new vowel, one that will now be lost to linguistic history. Summing up, he stated that he would always remember Elliott as "A man I met recently, knew for a short bit, and then died."
I had to duck out for holiday-related reasons at this point, but I know that Daily Show writer Scott Jacobson showed up to sing a heartfelt song.
Also, Elliott's son memorialized him, remembering the time his father took an unpaid internship at Dean Witter to become a stockbroker and support his family. "When I felt him hold me in his strong black arms," he said, "and felt his moustache bristling against my forehead, I knew everything would be all right." Elliott was touched, until he realized that it wasn't actually his son, just a guy reading the plot to the hit Will Smith vehicle, The Pursuit of Happyness. Revealed as actor Eric Zuckerman-- best known as "Doomsday Guy" from Stephen Spielberg's War of the Worlds, Eric announced that he would be signing autographs after the show for $5.
Then the show wrapped up with Elliott's traditional Ramble/ Rambo Room and Doogie Howser Computer Journal segments. A fitting end to an always goofy, sometimes great, often poorly-attended show.
However, cry not, because I expect to continue to work with Elliott (pretend estrangement notwithstanding). In fact, I will be appearing on his new East Village Radio show "Fist City" this Thursday the 21st at 9 PM - hopefully just the first of many appearances, that is, unless he gets too big for me, because... (important news to follow in the next paragraph)
...He's gotten a promotion. He's now not a mere Associate Segment Producer on The Daily Show, but a Segment Producer on The Daily Show. Thus, in between buying me drinks and lighting up imported cigars with $100 bills, he can call himself a television producer without the slight twinge of semantic guilt he felt in the past. Congratulations, Elliott! And Happy Birthday!
Elliott Kalan: 1981 - 2006
The audience took their seats to a DVD of the world's worst cartoons, projected on the back wall, and once the (sell out) crowd was settled, things got rolling. Elliott got up and did his monologue, about his recent 25th birthday, and thathis newfound adulthood sadly means that he'll never acquire the label "child prodigy." However, it's the perfect time for a retrospective, so he introduced that evening's show "A Celebration of 25 Years of Kalan."
To help explain why this anniversary show was also the final show, Elliott brought me up to interview him. After some tension, resulting from my no-holds-barred, hardball style (I quizzed him about why he was putting me out of work), he explained that he wanted to end things now so he could go out on top. I disputed his position that doing a show in the basement of an East Village bar was, in fact, going out on top, but Elliott remained unswayed. To my query as to why he refused to sell me the name for $10,000, so I could do "The Primetime McCoy," he said that he felt a spin-off would "weaken the brand," and that it wouldn't serve the core goal of "getting the Kalan name out there." He was firm in his decision to retire to his mansion, play tennis, and contribute the occasional joke to Letterman. When I asked to visit the mansion, he said no.
We then had a video from former Primetime Kalan director (and current assistant on the Flava Flav dating show Flava of Love), Joe Guercio. He wished Elliott a happy birthday, while casually knocking over several videotapes.
This was followed by an audio greeting from Brock Mahan, Elliott's longtime writing partner. He gave Elliott a touching testimonial, taking time out from his busy life of berating a Hawaiian desk clerk for not properly booking the Aloha Suite for himself and "LonelyHousewife69."
It was then time for a look back at Elliott's turbulent life and times. A video montage of scenes from the 80's gave way to the 90's, and then to black and white cartoons and footage of the 1936 Olympics. Finally, the scene shifted to the shooting of JFK, and the eternal flame, ending with a picture of Elliott and the caption "Elliott Kalan, 1981-2006." Elliott objected that the video made it seem like he'd died, but Erik assured him that it was just "in memory" of all the entertainment he's provided, specifically between the years of '81 and '06.
Erik went on to say that there were a few memorial notices from companies whose products Elliott had consumed while alive. Goldfish Crackers sent a notice recognizing Elliott life, and spoke of plans for limited edition Elliott-flavored crackers, "in the shape of all of Elliott's favorite things," including Spider-Man, Frankenstein's monster, and soft-core Cinemax porn. Coca-Cola also sent condolences, quoting Elliott's interview in "Beverage Aficianado Magazine," in which he'd stated his desire to be buried in a casket filled with Coke, and"slowly dissolve into his favorite drink." They also sent a complimentary bottle of Coca-Cola Blak. Lastly, the makers of black t-shirts sent a message saying that "When Elliott stopped wearing black t-shirts with old horror movie posters on them, tucked into black jeans, it stopped being cool."
Then The Daily Show's John Oliver got on stage, to deliver Elliott's eulogy, over Elliott's repeated protests that he was, in fact, still alive ("Please Elliott, this is going to be emotional enough as it is, without you standing there talking.") Oliver spoke about how difficult it was to lose such a man in the same week that we lost Augusto Pinochet, continuing about the parallels between them. He had the audience play a game, in which he invited them to guess whether a given quote was from Kalan or Pinochet. (Surprisingly, "Where's my Woody Allen boxed set" was from Pinochet.) He discussed rumors that Elliott had done marvelous things like invent a new vowel, one that will now be lost to linguistic history. Summing up, he stated that he would always remember Elliott as "A man I met recently, knew for a short bit, and then died."
I had to duck out for holiday-related reasons at this point, but I know that Daily Show writer Scott Jacobson showed up to sing a heartfelt song.
Also, Elliott's son memorialized him, remembering the time his father took an unpaid internship at Dean Witter to become a stockbroker and support his family. "When I felt him hold me in his strong black arms," he said, "and felt his moustache bristling against my forehead, I knew everything would be all right." Elliott was touched, until he realized that it wasn't actually his son, just a guy reading the plot to the hit Will Smith vehicle, The Pursuit of Happyness. Revealed as actor Eric Zuckerman-- best known as "Doomsday Guy" from Stephen Spielberg's War of the Worlds, Eric announced that he would be signing autographs after the show for $5.
Then the show wrapped up with Elliott's traditional Ramble/ Rambo Room and Doogie Howser Computer Journal segments. A fitting end to an always goofy, sometimes great, often poorly-attended show.
However, cry not, because I expect to continue to work with Elliott (pretend estrangement notwithstanding). In fact, I will be appearing on his new East Village Radio show "Fist City" this Thursday the 21st at 9 PM - hopefully just the first of many appearances, that is, unless he gets too big for me, because... (important news to follow in the next paragraph)
...He's gotten a promotion. He's now not a mere Associate Segment Producer on The Daily Show, but a Segment Producer on The Daily Show. Thus, in between buying me drinks and lighting up imported cigars with $100 bills, he can call himself a television producer without the slight twinge of semantic guilt he felt in the past. Congratulations, Elliott! And Happy Birthday!
Elliott Kalan: 1981 - 2006
Friday, June 30, 2006
Movie Avalanche
Boy are you guys lucky today, because I have a Friday treat for you. All of the Superman movies that we shot for the June 24 episode of The Primetime Kalan are now up on YouTube, so you can finally judge who makes better Superman films-- us or Bryan Singer.
First up is the short written by me and starring me as Superman, with Elliot Kalan as "The Professor."
Here's the one Elliott wrote. It's got a funny script, but a word of warning: it was shot at the end of the day, when we'd stopped caring about things like... oh... "camerawork" and "lighting." So half of the shots are significantly darker than other shots, even though supposedly all the action is taking place in the same room at the same time. Please pretend that this is an intentional stylistic choice, and not evidence of certain Edward D. Wood Jr. tendencies on our part. Elliot plays Superman in this one. Oh, and look for me in the key role of "Baliff."
Here's one of the slickest-looking videos of the bunch, it's "The Battle of the Supermen" written by Erik Marcisak, who also stars as the Russian Superman. It also features Elliot's inimitable old-timey voiceover skills, as featured on The Daily Show's "The Decider" adventures.
And lastly (and probably the best-put-together of them all) here's the one written by Brock Mahan, "Superman Vs. Man and Superman." Brock stars as Superman, Elliot is George Bernard Shaw, and look for Devon T. Coleman in his one appearance as "Chauncy." Plus, I put in perhaps my finest performance, as Oscar Wilde. To research for this role, I got myself arrested for sodomy. The rest of the Kalan crew said that it really wasn't necessary, but I insisted.
Realism above all.
Well, that's the last of the Kalan videos, but here's a bonus. I discovered that another short, written by Erik and Joe Guercio (an old Kalanite, all around tech wizard, and good friend), is up on YouTube-- Frank Miller's Vatican City. I had nothing to do with the production of this one; I just think it's worth a look.
UPDATE: It has come to my attention that Elliott's Metro column this week is also all about Superman. Geez, Elliott, enough already!
First up is the short written by me and starring me as Superman, with Elliot Kalan as "The Professor."
Here's the one Elliott wrote. It's got a funny script, but a word of warning: it was shot at the end of the day, when we'd stopped caring about things like... oh... "camerawork" and "lighting." So half of the shots are significantly darker than other shots, even though supposedly all the action is taking place in the same room at the same time. Please pretend that this is an intentional stylistic choice, and not evidence of certain Edward D. Wood Jr. tendencies on our part. Elliot plays Superman in this one. Oh, and look for me in the key role of "Baliff."
Here's one of the slickest-looking videos of the bunch, it's "The Battle of the Supermen" written by Erik Marcisak, who also stars as the Russian Superman. It also features Elliot's inimitable old-timey voiceover skills, as featured on The Daily Show's "The Decider" adventures.
And lastly (and probably the best-put-together of them all) here's the one written by Brock Mahan, "Superman Vs. Man and Superman." Brock stars as Superman, Elliot is George Bernard Shaw, and look for Devon T. Coleman in his one appearance as "Chauncy." Plus, I put in perhaps my finest performance, as Oscar Wilde. To research for this role, I got myself arrested for sodomy. The rest of the Kalan crew said that it really wasn't necessary, but I insisted.
Realism above all.
Well, that's the last of the Kalan videos, but here's a bonus. I discovered that another short, written by Erik and Joe Guercio (an old Kalanite, all around tech wizard, and good friend), is up on YouTube-- Frank Miller's Vatican City. I had nothing to do with the production of this one; I just think it's worth a look.
UPDATE: It has come to my attention that Elliott's Metro column this week is also all about Superman. Geez, Elliott, enough already!
Friday, March 17, 2006
Fantastic Newness!
The esteemed Elliot Kalan has added me, along with his "Hypocrites" partner Brock Mahan, and Mr. Devon T. Coleman (one-half of Frowned Upon) to the semi-staff of The New Kalan Show.
Elliott enjoys some pizza with his co-workers, Rocket Joe's-style.
What does semi-staff mean? Who knows. I think it means that there will be less writing out of "scripts" than there was over at Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, and more "vague ideas for bits making reference to well-known-only-to-film-buffs Hollywood figures like Frank Tashlin or Val Lewton."
Anyway, this will be Elliott's first time working with a staff on this show other than producer/ writer Erik Marcisak, and the recently-departed-for-L.A. director/ tech wizard Joe Guercio so that means that in the equation that is The New Kalan Show, I guess that...
The Kalan = Elliott
New = Brock & Devon & me.*
Show = Show
Although I suppose that's not so much an equation, more like a legend or key. But I'll use "equation" if I want to, just like I'll start a sentence with the word "but" if I want to, as well. Get off my back, you pedantic bastards!
Oddly enough, with the addition of Mr. Mahan to the Captains in Space writing staff, there's approximately a 75% crossover between TNKS and CiS. Maybe this will inspire people on the Internet to write fan fiction where the characters from each show cross over. That would be cool... at least, as long as it's not slash fiction.
Speaking of Captains in Space, I've seen the completed first episode, and it looks great-- amazing effects, considering our budget of a penny, some twine, and a cup of dried gravy. All that needs to be done now is some technical gobbledygook with servers and setting up the podcast feed, etc. But the public should be able to download it by Monday or Tuesday.
*Keep an eye out for the new sitcom "Brock & Devon & Me" this fall on Fox!
Elliott enjoys some pizza with his co-workers, Rocket Joe's-style.What does semi-staff mean? Who knows. I think it means that there will be less writing out of "scripts" than there was over at Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, and more "vague ideas for bits making reference to well-known-only-to-film-buffs Hollywood figures like Frank Tashlin or Val Lewton."
Anyway, this will be Elliott's first time working with a staff on this show other than producer/ writer Erik Marcisak, and the recently-departed-for-L.A. director/ tech wizard Joe Guercio so that means that in the equation that is The New Kalan Show, I guess that...
The Kalan = Elliott
New = Brock & Devon & me.*
Show = Show
Although I suppose that's not so much an equation, more like a legend or key. But I'll use "equation" if I want to, just like I'll start a sentence with the word "but" if I want to, as well. Get off my back, you pedantic bastards!
Oddly enough, with the addition of Mr. Mahan to the Captains in Space writing staff, there's approximately a 75% crossover between TNKS and CiS. Maybe this will inspire people on the Internet to write fan fiction where the characters from each show cross over. That would be cool... at least, as long as it's not slash fiction.
Speaking of Captains in Space, I've seen the completed first episode, and it looks great-- amazing effects, considering our budget of a penny, some twine, and a cup of dried gravy. All that needs to be done now is some technical gobbledygook with servers and setting up the podcast feed, etc. But the public should be able to download it by Monday or Tuesday.
*Keep an eye out for the new sitcom "Brock & Devon & Me" this fall on Fox!
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Yeah, I Had a Birthday... JEALOUS?
My birthday celebration was on June 18 (my real b-day was the 19th, but y'know... that was a Sunday).
There was much hubbub, hullaballoo, and folderal. There have even been reports of isolated gamboling, but those are, as yet, unconfirmed.
Anyway, many comedy folks were in attendance, as well as some non-comedy folks (I do have normal friends, you know). However, since this is my comedy blog, I'll stick to embarrassing those people.
My cake... apparently people were under the impression that they were attending Larry Flynt's birthday. And what's with the nipple next to the 2? It seems to be migrating off the breast. Perhaps it has dreams of becoming someone else's third nipple.
Why, it's Juvie Hall impresario and Back Stage 2005 Comedy Best Bet, Erik Marcisack, looking at the camera as if to say, "I came all the way out to Brooklyn, and all I got was this Coors Light t-shirt?"
Hey, who let our tech guy Joe out of the booth? Someone get the cattle prod.
My college friend Liz (actress extraordinaire and SNR special guest) and I are dancing so hard that we've thrown the picture out of focus.
"In Which Comedian and Writer Ritch Duncan and I Gesticulate Wildly"
And now, the most scandalous pictures of all. (The bidding starts now, US Weekly!) How do the host of Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, and SSIOWY staff writer Dan McCoy unwind after their triumphant Lisa Loeb/ Chris Genoa show?
...by drinking some kind of fruit-flavored booze out of an enormous goblet.
Whoa! Slow down there, TV's Sara Schaefer!
DAMN YOU, SCHAEFER!!!!!
There was much hubbub, hullaballoo, and folderal. There have even been reports of isolated gamboling, but those are, as yet, unconfirmed.
Anyway, many comedy folks were in attendance, as well as some non-comedy folks (I do have normal friends, you know). However, since this is my comedy blog, I'll stick to embarrassing those people.
My cake... apparently people were under the impression that they were attending Larry Flynt's birthday. And what's with the nipple next to the 2? It seems to be migrating off the breast. Perhaps it has dreams of becoming someone else's third nipple.
Why, it's Juvie Hall impresario and Back Stage 2005 Comedy Best Bet, Erik Marcisack, looking at the camera as if to say, "I came all the way out to Brooklyn, and all I got was this Coors Light t-shirt?"
Hey, who let our tech guy Joe out of the booth? Someone get the cattle prod.
My college friend Liz (actress extraordinaire and SNR special guest) and I are dancing so hard that we've thrown the picture out of focus.
"In Which Comedian and Writer Ritch Duncan and I Gesticulate Wildly"
And now, the most scandalous pictures of all. (The bidding starts now, US Weekly!) How do the host of Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, and SSIOWY staff writer Dan McCoy unwind after their triumphant Lisa Loeb/ Chris Genoa show?
...by drinking some kind of fruit-flavored booze out of an enormous goblet.
Whoa! Slow down there, TV's Sara Schaefer!
DAMN YOU, SCHAEFER!!!!!
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