Remember, tonight I will be appearing in a featured role in one of the videos in Sara Schaefer's Video Gaga.
VIDEO GAGA
Wednesday June 14, 9:30 p.m.
Tickets $5 (reserve at www.ucbtheatre.com)
Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre
307 W. 26th Street, btw 8th & 9th
Also, while you're clicking on things, go over and check out Andres du Bouchet's inspiringly re-designed site, and be impressed at what a website can look like when it's just a blogger template. Special thanks to Andres for linking to me and to Captains in Space.
Also, in non-comedy news, I saw a free concert featuring the Eels (w/ Smoosh) last night, and they were awesome. Aside from the lack of charge, the best thing about the concert was that there was no dicking around-- they started on time, Smoosh played for 20 minutes, there was a 10-15 minute changeover, then the Eels played for an hour and a half. That's the way to do it. Highlights included their "Security Guard" who played maracas, guitar, and organ on a few numbers, in addition to performing elaborate kung fu moves and making cryptic interstitial pronouncements. And they closed with an improbably rockin' cover of Frank Sinatra's "That's Life."
Okay, this turned into a regular "recording the mundane details of my life" blog for a moment there, and I apologize-- but really, if you have a chance to see The Eels, know that they put on an amazing show.
UPDATE:
Tonight's Video Gaga is a Gothamist pick. What more do you want?
Showing posts with label Andres Du Bouchet. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Andres Du Bouchet. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
GTN Bit from 5/24/06
Here's the piece that I wrote for last night's Giant Tuesday show, which was ably performed by Andres du Bouchet as Francisco, Mike Birch as Dr. Greg, and Rob Gordon as the bum.
The Gum Bit
FRANCISCO
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce Dr. Gregory Igloomaker, who has an amazing invention that he would like to share with us.
DR. GREG
Thanks Francisco.
FRANCISCO
Igloomaker, that's an interesting name. What is that, Eskimo?
DR. GREG
No. No, it's not. It's Dutch. Why would you say Eskimo?
FRANCISCO
It is less than not important. Why don't you just share your invention?
DR. GREG
Certainly. Well, Francisco, imagine for a moment that you are not a world-famous variety host, but that by day you labor away in a dull office job.
FRANCISCO
It's hard, but I think I can do it.
DR. GREG Imagine coming into work, day in, and day out. Entering data into spreadsheets. Processing, collating, faxing-- the endless tedium. Getting tired aren't you?
FRANCISCO
(sleepy--nearly hypnotized)
Yes.
DR. GREG
How about a nice cup of coffee?
FRANCISCO
Yes, please.
DR. GREG
But the pantry is so far away.
FRANCISCO
Oh no!
DR. GREG
And Alan, from accounting, forgot to brew a new pot after he finished the old one.
FRANCISCO
I hate that bastard, Alan.
DR. GREG
Don't you wish you just had coffee at your fingertips, all day long?
FRANCISCO
Don't toy with me, Igloomaker! Just give me coffee!
Dr. Greg hands Francisco a stick of gum.
FRANCISCO (cont'd)
This? But this is just a stick of gum.
DR. GREG
Wrong, Francisco. That is a cup of coffee.
(to audience)
You see, I asked myself, what is coffee, but ground coffee beans plus hot water? And what is your mouth but a hot-water-making-machine? So what I've done is suspend the grinds in a sort of natural latex, what the Native Americans called "chicle." Your saliva does the rest.
FRANCISCO
(chewing)
I can taste it brewing in my mouth!
DR. GREG
And that's not all. Just add one of my patented "flavor paks" to create premium specialty coffee. This one is Mocha Latte, and it's made from ground-up chocolate chips and coffee-mate!
Francisco dumps the packet into his mouth.
FRANCISCO
Mmm! It's like a backwash Starbucks!
DR. GREG
(pointing to the package)
That's our slogan! And the best thing is that this gum not only picks you up, but it freshens your breath with the delicious odor of secondhand coffee.
FRANCISCO
Amazing. So, do you make any other versions? Decaf, maybe?
DR. GREG
Please, Francisco; if you want decaf, chew Trident. But I am proud to introduce my new Coffee Nicotine Gum, “Cup 'o Butts.” Quit that nasty smoking habit while enjoying a steaming cup of mouth-joe.
FRANCISCO
Really? Nicotine Coffee Gum? Is that safe? It seems like concentrating the two together might create some sort of dangerous super-stimulant.
While the doctor speaks, a shabbily dressed man sidles onstage.
DR. GREG
Of course not--ask Jim Jarmusch. It's no worse than enjoying a cigarette with a pot of…
BUM
Hey, man, are you carrying?
DR. GREG
(to bum)
Not now.
(to Francisco)
As I was saying, it's no worse than…
BUM
C'mon man, I just need a fix. It's been three days. I've been chewing from the bottom of chairs.
DR. GREG
Get away!
FRANCISCO
What's going on over there? Do you know that man?
DR. GREG
No, he's probably just some homeless man who wandered in off the street, lured by the promise of alternative comedy. Don't worry.
BUM
Just one stick, Dr. Greg. My teeth are aching.
FRANCISCO
He appears to know your name.
DR. GREG
All right.
(beat)
All right, fine. Yes. Charlie here was one of our product testers. It turns out you're right Francisco. Making a Coffee Nicotine Gum somehow increased the addictive power by five hundred and twelve percent…
FRANCISCO
What an oddly specific figure.
DR. GREG
…Which means that all our testers are now addicted. But don't worry! We're working on it! That's why we've developed this Methadone Gum, to help ween people off Cup 'o Butts.
FRANCISCO
How much does the Methadone Gum cost?
DR. GREG
It retails for $250 a pack.
FRANCISCO
That's absurd! You can't solve all gum-created problems with more gum! Are you or are you not using your various flavors as gateways to addict people to ever-more-expensive gum products?
Dr. Greg makes as if to answer, then suddenly makes a break for it, running off-stage.
DR. GREG
Juan Carlos! Start the helicopter!
SFX: HELICOPTER, starting up, and then fading away. Francisco and the bum follow with their eyes, as if he's flying away. A beat.
BUM
What about you, man? You holding?
FRANCISCO
No, I am not. I'm sorry. Would you like a drink ticket?
BUM
(taking the ticket)
Enabler.
He exits. Transition, etc…
--
It went over okay... although the biggest laugh was garnered by the helicopter sound cue, and their reactions to it.
Also, if you haven't been there in a while, check out the Captains in Space website. A few new things have been posted up there-- and the latest episode (the first one written by me) should be online sometime before the end of the Memorial Day weekend. So you can look forward to that, if that's the sort of thing you look forward to.
The Gum Bit
FRANCISCO
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce Dr. Gregory Igloomaker, who has an amazing invention that he would like to share with us.
DR. GREG
Thanks Francisco.
FRANCISCO
Igloomaker, that's an interesting name. What is that, Eskimo?
DR. GREG
No. No, it's not. It's Dutch. Why would you say Eskimo?
FRANCISCO
It is less than not important. Why don't you just share your invention?
DR. GREG
Certainly. Well, Francisco, imagine for a moment that you are not a world-famous variety host, but that by day you labor away in a dull office job.
FRANCISCO
It's hard, but I think I can do it.
DR. GREG Imagine coming into work, day in, and day out. Entering data into spreadsheets. Processing, collating, faxing-- the endless tedium. Getting tired aren't you?
FRANCISCO
(sleepy--nearly hypnotized)
Yes.
DR. GREG
How about a nice cup of coffee?
FRANCISCO
Yes, please.
DR. GREG
But the pantry is so far away.
FRANCISCO
Oh no!
DR. GREG
And Alan, from accounting, forgot to brew a new pot after he finished the old one.
FRANCISCO
I hate that bastard, Alan.
DR. GREG
Don't you wish you just had coffee at your fingertips, all day long?
FRANCISCO
Don't toy with me, Igloomaker! Just give me coffee!
Dr. Greg hands Francisco a stick of gum.
FRANCISCO (cont'd)
This? But this is just a stick of gum.
DR. GREG
Wrong, Francisco. That is a cup of coffee.
(to audience)
You see, I asked myself, what is coffee, but ground coffee beans plus hot water? And what is your mouth but a hot-water-making-machine? So what I've done is suspend the grinds in a sort of natural latex, what the Native Americans called "chicle." Your saliva does the rest.
FRANCISCO
(chewing)
I can taste it brewing in my mouth!
DR. GREG
And that's not all. Just add one of my patented "flavor paks" to create premium specialty coffee. This one is Mocha Latte, and it's made from ground-up chocolate chips and coffee-mate!
Francisco dumps the packet into his mouth.
FRANCISCO
Mmm! It's like a backwash Starbucks!
DR. GREG
(pointing to the package)
That's our slogan! And the best thing is that this gum not only picks you up, but it freshens your breath with the delicious odor of secondhand coffee.
FRANCISCO
Amazing. So, do you make any other versions? Decaf, maybe?
DR. GREG
Please, Francisco; if you want decaf, chew Trident. But I am proud to introduce my new Coffee Nicotine Gum, “Cup 'o Butts.” Quit that nasty smoking habit while enjoying a steaming cup of mouth-joe.
FRANCISCO
Really? Nicotine Coffee Gum? Is that safe? It seems like concentrating the two together might create some sort of dangerous super-stimulant.
While the doctor speaks, a shabbily dressed man sidles onstage.
DR. GREG
Of course not--ask Jim Jarmusch. It's no worse than enjoying a cigarette with a pot of…
BUM
Hey, man, are you carrying?
DR. GREG
(to bum)
Not now.
(to Francisco)
As I was saying, it's no worse than…
BUM
C'mon man, I just need a fix. It's been three days. I've been chewing from the bottom of chairs.
DR. GREG
Get away!
FRANCISCO
What's going on over there? Do you know that man?
DR. GREG
No, he's probably just some homeless man who wandered in off the street, lured by the promise of alternative comedy. Don't worry.
BUM
Just one stick, Dr. Greg. My teeth are aching.
FRANCISCO
He appears to know your name.
DR. GREG
All right.
(beat)
All right, fine. Yes. Charlie here was one of our product testers. It turns out you're right Francisco. Making a Coffee Nicotine Gum somehow increased the addictive power by five hundred and twelve percent…
FRANCISCO
What an oddly specific figure.
DR. GREG
…Which means that all our testers are now addicted. But don't worry! We're working on it! That's why we've developed this Methadone Gum, to help ween people off Cup 'o Butts.
FRANCISCO
How much does the Methadone Gum cost?
DR. GREG
It retails for $250 a pack.
FRANCISCO
That's absurd! You can't solve all gum-created problems with more gum! Are you or are you not using your various flavors as gateways to addict people to ever-more-expensive gum products?
Dr. Greg makes as if to answer, then suddenly makes a break for it, running off-stage.
DR. GREG
Juan Carlos! Start the helicopter!
SFX: HELICOPTER, starting up, and then fading away. Francisco and the bum follow with their eyes, as if he's flying away. A beat.
BUM
What about you, man? You holding?
FRANCISCO
No, I am not. I'm sorry. Would you like a drink ticket?
BUM
(taking the ticket)
Enabler.
He exits. Transition, etc…
--
It went over okay... although the biggest laugh was garnered by the helicopter sound cue, and their reactions to it.
Also, if you haven't been there in a while, check out the Captains in Space website. A few new things have been posted up there-- and the latest episode (the first one written by me) should be online sometime before the end of the Memorial Day weekend. So you can look forward to that, if that's the sort of thing you look forward to.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Tuesday is Giant, Tonight!
Just a reminder, tonight one of my bits will be performed at Andres du Bouchet's always extremely funny Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game (only writing-- I won't be performing in the show. However, I will be in the audience to witness the GTN gang make my words funny, so if you see me, buy me a beer. I'm the one who looks like me).
So come on out. They're shooting a "pilot" to show around to various folks, so I'm sure they'd love the audience to be as big as possible. Oh, and if you want to check out bits from the show in the comfort of your own home or subway, you might be interested to know that they now have a podcast.
In case you've forgotten, Giant Tuesday Night is at:
Rififi/ Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street
between 1st and 2nd Avenues
On the isle of Manhattan
8 PM
The show is FREE (w/ a one drink minimum)
So come on out. They're shooting a "pilot" to show around to various folks, so I'm sure they'd love the audience to be as big as possible. Oh, and if you want to check out bits from the show in the comfort of your own home or subway, you might be interested to know that they now have a podcast.
In case you've forgotten, Giant Tuesday Night is at:
Rififi/ Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street
between 1st and 2nd Avenues
On the isle of Manhattan
8 PM
The show is FREE (w/ a one drink minimum)
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Two New Shows in May
I will be taking part in a one-time-only sketch event on May 18, at 10 PM, titled, "The Summer Funtime Special," produced by The Manhattan Comedy Collective and Matt Koff. The blurb on the MC2 website has this to say:
"Barbecues, bikinis, beachballs, and blockbusters. Finally, a sketch show that celebrates what Time Magazine calls 'The World's Hottest Season.'
Starring Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Stacy Mayer, Dan McCoy, and Rick Murphy. With special guests and other surprises!"
The show will be written by Matt, Rob, and myself, and you can see it at:
The Gene Frankel Theater Underground
24 Bond Street (AKA East 2nd St.)
It's on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, in the basement space.
$5 for the 10 PM show, or you can see the whole MC2 Thursday line up for $10 (includes a drink ticket).
More news as events warrant.*
Also: good news for fans of my periodic contributions to Andres du Bouchet's always extremely funny Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game-- one of my bits will be included on the May 23rd show (only writing-- I won't be performing).
In case you've forgotten, Giant Tuesday Night is at:
Rififi/ Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street
between 1st and 2nd Avenues
The show is FREE (w/ a one drink minimum)
*Read, "when we figure out who the special guests are."
"Barbecues, bikinis, beachballs, and blockbusters. Finally, a sketch show that celebrates what Time Magazine calls 'The World's Hottest Season.'
Starring Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Stacy Mayer, Dan McCoy, and Rick Murphy. With special guests and other surprises!"
The show will be written by Matt, Rob, and myself, and you can see it at:
The Gene Frankel Theater Underground
24 Bond Street (AKA East 2nd St.)
It's on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, in the basement space.
$5 for the 10 PM show, or you can see the whole MC2 Thursday line up for $10 (includes a drink ticket).
More news as events warrant.*
Also: good news for fans of my periodic contributions to Andres du Bouchet's always extremely funny Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game-- one of my bits will be included on the May 23rd show (only writing-- I won't be performing).
In case you've forgotten, Giant Tuesday Night is at:
Rififi/ Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street
between 1st and 2nd Avenues
The show is FREE (w/ a one drink minimum)
*Read, "when we figure out who the special guests are."
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Captains in Space, "The Theatrical Version"
Hey, are you a fan of watching things that are meant to be seen on a very small screen blown up to several times their intended size, with all the loss in resolution that entails?
Who isn't?! But it's such a pain to set up your projection TV to play on an IMAX screen. Not to mention the cost and labor of building an IMAX screen. So, instead, why don't you come see the first theatrical showing of our video podcast, as part of May's "Big Bang" at the Manhattan Comedy Collective.
Yes, that's right-- we'll be screening a rotating program of two of our Captains in Space shorts, every Thursday in May, at 7:15 PM, at The Gene Frankel Theater Underground at 24 Bond Street (East 2nd St.) in the East Village. It's on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, in the basement theater, where the 8 x 10 foot screen is sure to be kind to our non-professional blue-screen effects!
Unless I've been misguided, the ticket price is $7, but if you pay for one show, you're entitled to stay for the whole night of shows. And the entry fee includes one drink ticket. Not too shabby.
And here's a bonus, on at least the 4th and 11th of May (and possibly on the 18th and 24th, too), the shorts will be introduced by Captain Fed himself (Federico Hatoum) as well as Captains writer Dan McCoy (me). So come on, nerds-- this is time for you to get all your Captains in Space merchandise signed, or confront us about episode three, in which the captains yell so hard that the echoes travel through space, even though deep space is soundless.
In other news, if you haven't seen this video, by Giant Tuesday Night host Andres du Bouchet, you should check it out. I had absolutely nothing to do with it, but I think it's funny, and thus am pointing you that way. If you look close, you can see a cameo by Ritch Duncan, my old editor at Jest Magazine. He's a hell of a thespian, that one.
Oh, and keep the 18th at 10 PM open. I can't tell you why, yet. Just save the date. And, while you're at it, go get me a sandwich.
Who isn't?! But it's such a pain to set up your projection TV to play on an IMAX screen. Not to mention the cost and labor of building an IMAX screen. So, instead, why don't you come see the first theatrical showing of our video podcast, as part of May's "Big Bang" at the Manhattan Comedy Collective.
Yes, that's right-- we'll be screening a rotating program of two of our Captains in Space shorts, every Thursday in May, at 7:15 PM, at The Gene Frankel Theater Underground at 24 Bond Street (East 2nd St.) in the East Village. It's on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, in the basement theater, where the 8 x 10 foot screen is sure to be kind to our non-professional blue-screen effects!
Unless I've been misguided, the ticket price is $7, but if you pay for one show, you're entitled to stay for the whole night of shows. And the entry fee includes one drink ticket. Not too shabby.
And here's a bonus, on at least the 4th and 11th of May (and possibly on the 18th and 24th, too), the shorts will be introduced by Captain Fed himself (Federico Hatoum) as well as Captains writer Dan McCoy (me). So come on, nerds-- this is time for you to get all your Captains in Space merchandise signed, or confront us about episode three, in which the captains yell so hard that the echoes travel through space, even though deep space is soundless.
In other news, if you haven't seen this video, by Giant Tuesday Night host Andres du Bouchet, you should check it out. I had absolutely nothing to do with it, but I think it's funny, and thus am pointing you that way. If you look close, you can see a cameo by Ritch Duncan, my old editor at Jest Magazine. He's a hell of a thespian, that one.
Oh, and keep the 18th at 10 PM open. I can't tell you why, yet. Just save the date. And, while you're at it, go get me a sandwich.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
GTN Bit from 4/25/2006
Hey. In the tradition of Andres' blog, I thought I'd post the script of my contribution to last night's Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game. Those of you who couldn't make it missed a very funny Mark Douglas in full body suit as Mr. Serkis. Those of you who were there last night can enjoy seeing the original, longer script (including a never-before-seen second beat!) as it was before it was trimmed down to fit into the already comedy-stuffed show. Just think of it as the world's most low tech behind-the-scenes DVD extra.
As always, thanks to Andres and the gang for letting me contribute, and for making my writing 25% funnier by acting the hell out of it.
"The Andy Serkis Bit" by Dan McCoy
FRANCISCO
And now, ladies and gentleman, some jokes. What did the fat man say after winning the top trophy at the pie-eating contest? "To compete is its own reward." You see? Because, being very fat, he loves the flaky crust and the delicious...
During the above ANDY SERKIS has crept onstage, and begun mimicking Francisco's movements.
FRANCISCO
(noticing)
Um, excuse me, but I'm mid-joke. Could you please clear the stage?
SERKIS
Yeah, it's great, great. Just do that arm motion again, the one where you were demonstrating the precise fatness of the man...
FRANCISCO
I do not take requests-- besides, a comedian doing the same joke twice for one audience would be akin to a magician, explaining why his doves do not burn, beneath the old-fashioned serving platter doused in kerosene.
Serkis continues to mimic Francisco, pausing occasionally to take notes.
SERKIS
Brilliant, brilliant. Terrific stuff.
Francisco moves towards him, as if to physically remove him from the stage.
FRANCISCO
Would you get...
(recognizing)
Are you Andy Serkis?
SERKIS
That's me.
FRANCISCO
Gollum?
SERKIS
Yes.
FRANCISCO
King Kong?
SERKIS
Right.
FRANCISCO
The effete magazine editor from the Jennifer Garner vehicle 13 Going on 30?
SERKIS
(sighs)
Yes.
FRANCISCO
Wow! Look, audience, a celebrity has dropped by. Or as close to a celebrity as you can be, when your most significant work has been obscured by computer pixels. What brings you to the show?
SERKIS
Well, actually, Peter Jackson is interested in doing a Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game movie.
FRANCISCO
Get out!
SERKIS
No, it's true-- he's already got Fran Walsh and Phillipa Boyens working on abridging the show's title, while remaining true to its sprit-- don't let that get on the Internet, or the fans will go mental.
FRANCISCO
The nerds are protective of the purity of the text.
SERKIS
Anyway, your story really resonated with Pete-- the idea of a man coming from a small, backward country, and rocketing to success...
FRANCISCO
I don't know... rocketing...
SERKIS
And that's where you come in.
FRANCISCO
Peter Jackson wants me to star in a movie about my life?
SERKIS
Oh, no no no. Pete wants me to learn how to mimic your physicality, so that he can re-create you digitally, using CGI.
FRANCISCO
But... why not just use me?
SERKIS
Well, we really want "Francisco" to look photo-realistic.
FRANCISCO
I am photo realistic. I can show you! I have photos of myself in my wallet! A surprising number of them!
SERKIS
It's just not the direction we want to go.
FRANCISCO
But I'm not just a comedian-slash-master of ceremonies. I'm an actor. I played the Mother Superior in the Boliviguayan National Theater's production of More Nunsense: The Nunsensiest!
SERKIS
I'm sure you're the best Francisco Guglioni you can be, but there's a certain truth about Francisco that only I, with my particular talents, can capture. There's really no negotiation on this point. So, if you want the movie to go forward, you're going to have to let me do my work.
FRANCISCO
Fine. Just... try not to get in the way.
SERKIS
Cheers.
Throughout the following, Serkis is behind and just to the side of Francisco, mimicking his every move, slowly becoming more and more distracting.
FRANCISCO
Anyway, what was I... oh, yes, yes, jokes-- How many raccoons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Raccoons are largely nocturnal. Why did the blonde scientist throw her clock out the window? To test Einstein's theory of space-time... It was the window of a spaceship, traveling near a black hole. Very dangerous experiment. Unfortunately the results were inconclusive, since they were unable to retrieve the clock.
Serkis is right behind Francisco now, really getting into his personal space, causing Francisco to get more and more flustered.
FRANCISCO (cont'd)
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the street corner? An honored veteran. Please, give generously. Two dollars means a snack to you, but it means a big deal to...
(losing patience, to Serkis)
Would you get off me?!
SERKIS
What? What's wrong?
FRANCISCO
I don't care about the movie, it's not worth this. Could we get some cast members out here to escort Mr. Serkis out of the theater.
Whatever cast members are free congregate on the floor, next to stage left.
SERKIS
Good luck getting them to turn against me, Francisco! I've been living amongst them for weeks, learning their ways, gaining their trust.
CAST MEMBER
He bought us beer.
SERKIS
I'm one of them, now-- one of the tribe.
FRANCISCO
Clearly you actually know nothing of New York comedians, or you would know that they'll put up with anyone, as long as that person is buying.
CAST MEMBERS
(general agreement, "it's true," etc.)
SERKIS
(pointing to Mike Birch)
But that big silver-backed one tried to mate with me.
Everyone looks at Birch.
BIRCH
He bought us beer.
General acceptance from the cast, etc. Movement towards the stage.
CAST MEMBER
Sorry, Andy. If Francisco says you have to go, you have to go.
They escort Serkis off.
SERKIS
You'll regret this, Francisco! I'll be back to beat you up, as soon as I'm done researching the physicality of someone who could beat you up!
FRANCISCO
Get him out of here!
-Beat Two-
FRANCISCO
And now, ladies and gentlemen some more jokes. How do you punish Helen Keller? When you think about it, wasn't her life punishment enough?
(raising his hand)
Who here saw "The Miracle Worker?"
SERKIS
(in audience)
Oh, how droll. A traditional set-up, followed by a completely straight punchline. Farewell Demitri Martin, for you sir are the new king of deadpan comedy.
FRANCISCO
All right. Settle down, suspiciously loud and articulate audience member. What's another one... let's see... What has four legs and flies? A Griffin. It also has the body of a lion and the head of an eagle. You should brush up on your crypto-zoology.
SERKIS
Oh! And now he throws in an obscure and archaic term to congratulate the audience! Ha ha ha! I reward him with my laughter.
FRANCISCO
Okay, what is going on-- sir could you stand up?
(recognizing)
Is that... is it Andy Serkis?!
SERKIS
Yes, it is I. I'm surprised you could recognize me, so complete was my mimicry.
FRANCISCO
What are you doing back here?
SERKIS
Having my revenge! I thought to myself, "I could best Francisco physically, but what would hurt him more? My punches or my wits?"
FRANCISCO
As an Englishman, I'm betting it wasn't your punches.
SERKIS
Touche! So I decided to fight you by using my unique talents to mimic that which you fear most. A downtown comedy snob.
FRANCISCO
Oh no!
SERKIS
I based my performance around that man--
(points to audience member)
Only handsomer. And as a downtown comedy snob, I'm here to tell you that I saw David Cross in this bar mere weeks ago, and you're not fit to share a stage with him. Now bring me a PBR in a can!
FRANCISCO
Do not bring that man any ironically unfashionable drinks!
SERKIS
Everything you do, Andy Kaufman did thirty years ago, and better!
FRANCISCO
(reacting, as if stabbed)
Ouch. Your barbed words hurt me inside.
SERKIS
The only way you can defeat me, is to show me something that I've never seen before, cutting through layers upon layers of cultivated, jaded detachment.
FRANCISCO
Cast! Come here, I need you!
(available cast members huddle around Francisco-- much whispering and discussion)
SERKIS
Give it up, Francisco, it can't be done.
(the cast breaks huddle, and stands at attention)
FRANCISCO
(clears his throat)
(one of the cast members knees the other in the groin. over the speakers there is a fart noise. a beat. then Serkis breaks out laughing, uncontrollably.)
SERKIS
(while laughing)
Damn you and your comedy genius, Francisco!
FRANCISCO
Now get out of my sight!
SERKIS
(still laughing, to audience as he leaves)
King Kong is out on DVD!
FRANCISCO
No plugs, just go!
As always, thanks to Andres and the gang for letting me contribute, and for making my writing 25% funnier by acting the hell out of it.
"The Andy Serkis Bit" by Dan McCoy
FRANCISCO
And now, ladies and gentleman, some jokes. What did the fat man say after winning the top trophy at the pie-eating contest? "To compete is its own reward." You see? Because, being very fat, he loves the flaky crust and the delicious...
During the above ANDY SERKIS has crept onstage, and begun mimicking Francisco's movements.
FRANCISCO
(noticing)
Um, excuse me, but I'm mid-joke. Could you please clear the stage?
SERKIS
Yeah, it's great, great. Just do that arm motion again, the one where you were demonstrating the precise fatness of the man...
FRANCISCO
I do not take requests-- besides, a comedian doing the same joke twice for one audience would be akin to a magician, explaining why his doves do not burn, beneath the old-fashioned serving platter doused in kerosene.
Serkis continues to mimic Francisco, pausing occasionally to take notes.
SERKIS
Brilliant, brilliant. Terrific stuff.
Francisco moves towards him, as if to physically remove him from the stage.
FRANCISCO
Would you get...
(recognizing)
Are you Andy Serkis?
SERKIS
That's me.
FRANCISCO
Gollum?
SERKIS
Yes.
FRANCISCO
King Kong?
SERKIS
Right.
FRANCISCO
The effete magazine editor from the Jennifer Garner vehicle 13 Going on 30?
SERKIS
(sighs)
Yes.
FRANCISCO
Wow! Look, audience, a celebrity has dropped by. Or as close to a celebrity as you can be, when your most significant work has been obscured by computer pixels. What brings you to the show?
SERKIS
Well, actually, Peter Jackson is interested in doing a Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game movie.
FRANCISCO
Get out!
SERKIS
No, it's true-- he's already got Fran Walsh and Phillipa Boyens working on abridging the show's title, while remaining true to its sprit-- don't let that get on the Internet, or the fans will go mental.
FRANCISCO
The nerds are protective of the purity of the text.
SERKIS
Anyway, your story really resonated with Pete-- the idea of a man coming from a small, backward country, and rocketing to success...
FRANCISCO
I don't know... rocketing...
SERKIS
And that's where you come in.
FRANCISCO
Peter Jackson wants me to star in a movie about my life?
SERKIS
Oh, no no no. Pete wants me to learn how to mimic your physicality, so that he can re-create you digitally, using CGI.
FRANCISCO
But... why not just use me?
SERKIS
Well, we really want "Francisco" to look photo-realistic.
FRANCISCO
I am photo realistic. I can show you! I have photos of myself in my wallet! A surprising number of them!
SERKIS
It's just not the direction we want to go.
FRANCISCO
But I'm not just a comedian-slash-master of ceremonies. I'm an actor. I played the Mother Superior in the Boliviguayan National Theater's production of More Nunsense: The Nunsensiest!
SERKIS
I'm sure you're the best Francisco Guglioni you can be, but there's a certain truth about Francisco that only I, with my particular talents, can capture. There's really no negotiation on this point. So, if you want the movie to go forward, you're going to have to let me do my work.
FRANCISCO
Fine. Just... try not to get in the way.
SERKIS
Cheers.
Throughout the following, Serkis is behind and just to the side of Francisco, mimicking his every move, slowly becoming more and more distracting.
FRANCISCO
Anyway, what was I... oh, yes, yes, jokes-- How many raccoons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Raccoons are largely nocturnal. Why did the blonde scientist throw her clock out the window? To test Einstein's theory of space-time... It was the window of a spaceship, traveling near a black hole. Very dangerous experiment. Unfortunately the results were inconclusive, since they were unable to retrieve the clock.
Serkis is right behind Francisco now, really getting into his personal space, causing Francisco to get more and more flustered.
FRANCISCO (cont'd)
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the street corner? An honored veteran. Please, give generously. Two dollars means a snack to you, but it means a big deal to...
(losing patience, to Serkis)
Would you get off me?!
SERKIS
What? What's wrong?
FRANCISCO
I don't care about the movie, it's not worth this. Could we get some cast members out here to escort Mr. Serkis out of the theater.
Whatever cast members are free congregate on the floor, next to stage left.
SERKIS
Good luck getting them to turn against me, Francisco! I've been living amongst them for weeks, learning their ways, gaining their trust.
CAST MEMBER
He bought us beer.
SERKIS
I'm one of them, now-- one of the tribe.
FRANCISCO
Clearly you actually know nothing of New York comedians, or you would know that they'll put up with anyone, as long as that person is buying.
CAST MEMBERS
(general agreement, "it's true," etc.)
SERKIS
(pointing to Mike Birch)
But that big silver-backed one tried to mate with me.
Everyone looks at Birch.
BIRCH
He bought us beer.
General acceptance from the cast, etc. Movement towards the stage.
CAST MEMBER
Sorry, Andy. If Francisco says you have to go, you have to go.
They escort Serkis off.
SERKIS
You'll regret this, Francisco! I'll be back to beat you up, as soon as I'm done researching the physicality of someone who could beat you up!
FRANCISCO
Get him out of here!
-Beat Two-
FRANCISCO
And now, ladies and gentlemen some more jokes. How do you punish Helen Keller? When you think about it, wasn't her life punishment enough?
(raising his hand)
Who here saw "The Miracle Worker?"
SERKIS
(in audience)
Oh, how droll. A traditional set-up, followed by a completely straight punchline. Farewell Demitri Martin, for you sir are the new king of deadpan comedy.
FRANCISCO
All right. Settle down, suspiciously loud and articulate audience member. What's another one... let's see... What has four legs and flies? A Griffin. It also has the body of a lion and the head of an eagle. You should brush up on your crypto-zoology.
SERKIS
Oh! And now he throws in an obscure and archaic term to congratulate the audience! Ha ha ha! I reward him with my laughter.
FRANCISCO
Okay, what is going on-- sir could you stand up?
(recognizing)
Is that... is it Andy Serkis?!
SERKIS
Yes, it is I. I'm surprised you could recognize me, so complete was my mimicry.
FRANCISCO
What are you doing back here?
SERKIS
Having my revenge! I thought to myself, "I could best Francisco physically, but what would hurt him more? My punches or my wits?"
FRANCISCO
As an Englishman, I'm betting it wasn't your punches.
SERKIS
Touche! So I decided to fight you by using my unique talents to mimic that which you fear most. A downtown comedy snob.
FRANCISCO
Oh no!
SERKIS
I based my performance around that man--
(points to audience member)
Only handsomer. And as a downtown comedy snob, I'm here to tell you that I saw David Cross in this bar mere weeks ago, and you're not fit to share a stage with him. Now bring me a PBR in a can!
FRANCISCO
Do not bring that man any ironically unfashionable drinks!
SERKIS
Everything you do, Andy Kaufman did thirty years ago, and better!
FRANCISCO
(reacting, as if stabbed)
Ouch. Your barbed words hurt me inside.
SERKIS
The only way you can defeat me, is to show me something that I've never seen before, cutting through layers upon layers of cultivated, jaded detachment.
FRANCISCO
Cast! Come here, I need you!
(available cast members huddle around Francisco-- much whispering and discussion)
SERKIS
Give it up, Francisco, it can't be done.
(the cast breaks huddle, and stands at attention)
FRANCISCO
(clears his throat)
(one of the cast members knees the other in the groin. over the speakers there is a fart noise. a beat. then Serkis breaks out laughing, uncontrollably.)
SERKIS
(while laughing)
Damn you and your comedy genius, Francisco!
FRANCISCO
Now get out of my sight!
SERKIS
(still laughing, to audience as he leaves)
King Kong is out on DVD!
FRANCISCO
No plugs, just go!
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
This Tuesday Just Seems... Giant-er Than Usual
Yes, this makes three plugs for one show, but I just wanted to remind you that tonight's GTN features a couple of bits written by me. So stop by, if you can:
Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game
Tuesday the 25th of April, at 8:00 pm
at Rififi/ Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street
between 1st and 2nd Avenues
Free (w/ a one drink minimum)
I won't be appearing in the show as a performer, just enjoying my own words (and those of the usual, terrific GTN crew) from the comfort of the audience. So if you like my writing, but hate my stupid face, this is the show for you!
And if you like the show, stick around and chat afterwards-- and buy me a drink, whydoncha? I don't get paid for this nonsense.
As always, thanks to Andres and the others for letting me contribute a little something to their great show. There's a new one every Tuesday, and hilarity always abounds. So if you're dropping by to see my little bit, and you like what you see, you should return when I'm not involved. Chances are, it'll be even funnier.
Oh, and on the off chance that Jason Jones spends his off hours idly Googling himself, I'd just like to thank him again for coming by to the New Kalan Show last Thursday-- he couldn't have been nicer, and was dedicated to making the show as funny as could be by tossing in extra contributions wherever appropriate, and basically making us look as good as possible. So thanks.
Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game
Tuesday the 25th of April, at 8:00 pm
at Rififi/ Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street
between 1st and 2nd Avenues
Free (w/ a one drink minimum)
I won't be appearing in the show as a performer, just enjoying my own words (and those of the usual, terrific GTN crew) from the comfort of the audience. So if you like my writing, but hate my stupid face, this is the show for you!
And if you like the show, stick around and chat afterwards-- and buy me a drink, whydoncha? I don't get paid for this nonsense.
As always, thanks to Andres and the others for letting me contribute a little something to their great show. There's a new one every Tuesday, and hilarity always abounds. So if you're dropping by to see my little bit, and you like what you see, you should return when I'm not involved. Chances are, it'll be even funnier.
Oh, and on the off chance that Jason Jones spends his off hours idly Googling himself, I'd just like to thank him again for coming by to the New Kalan Show last Thursday-- he couldn't have been nicer, and was dedicated to making the show as funny as could be by tossing in extra contributions wherever appropriate, and basically making us look as good as possible. So thanks.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Ooh, Look! Video!
I was looking over at Andres Du Bouchet's blog, and noticed that he'd just posted a link to this video which gives a nice introduction to what his show Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game is all about. It's well worth viewing.
And also, this gives me an excuse to remind you that I will be contributing a bit to next Tuesday's GTN, so if you like what you see in the video, and you also like my stuff, then next Tuesday might be a good night to come check it out. That show again is...
Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game
Tuesday the 25th of April, at 8:00 pm
at Rififi/ Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street
between 1st and 2nd Avenues
Free (w/ a one drink minimum)
And also, this gives me an excuse to remind you that I will be contributing a bit to next Tuesday's GTN, so if you like what you see in the video, and you also like my stuff, then next Tuesday might be a good night to come check it out. That show again is...
Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game
Tuesday the 25th of April, at 8:00 pm
at Rififi/ Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street
between 1st and 2nd Avenues
Free (w/ a one drink minimum)
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Mark Your Calendars for Late April Fun
For the very few of you that like to keep track of these things far in advance, I'll be making another one of my occasional contributions to Andres Du Bouchet & Company's most excellent variety show, Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game, on April the 25th at 8:00 PM at Rififi/Cinema Classics 332 E. 11th St. (between 1st & 2nd Aves). The show is free, with a one-reasonably-priced-drink minimum.
I won't be making a cameo this time (I know that this news is sure to disappoint all who caught my Tony Award-nominated* performance as "Sarcastic Strawberry Vendor" back in March. Instead, my contribution is on the writing side-- I like how the bit I scripted turned out, and it'll probably be a two-parter, which means more me for your buck (like you care), in addition to all the usual GTN hilarity (well worth your time).
So come on out. Since I won't be onstage, maybe we can sit together in the audience. That way it's easier for you to buy me a beer.
*Damn you Nathan Lane!**
**I'm not damning Nathan Lane for beating me out for the Tony Award, as that part about me being nominated was a shameless lie. I was damning him for "Mouse Hunt."
I won't be making a cameo this time (I know that this news is sure to disappoint all who caught my Tony Award-nominated* performance as "Sarcastic Strawberry Vendor" back in March. Instead, my contribution is on the writing side-- I like how the bit I scripted turned out, and it'll probably be a two-parter, which means more me for your buck (like you care), in addition to all the usual GTN hilarity (well worth your time).
So come on out. Since I won't be onstage, maybe we can sit together in the audience. That way it's easier for you to buy me a beer.
*Damn you Nathan Lane!**
**I'm not damning Nathan Lane for beating me out for the Tony Award, as that part about me being nominated was a shameless lie. I was damning him for "Mouse Hunt."
Friday, March 10, 2006
GTN Bit From 3/7/06
I rarely use this site to post my actual writing, preferring to simply use it as a calendar of events or related self-promotion/ self-obsession. I do this for two reasons (1.) so I don't have to annoy people with inbox-clogging email promotions, and (2.) because who needs another blog, anyway? On the other hand, this policy tends to lead to (3.) me having no readers.
So I'm breaking with tradition (and I might do so again in the future, from time to time) to post this bit from this week's Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game. In addition to writing it, I played the key role of "vendor." It seemed to go over well, despite my dropping a line or two.
Thanks to Andres and the rest of the GTN crew for letting me play in their sandbox for a little while.
The Ironic Vendor Sketch
FRANCISCO
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to play Egg or Anguish. Where one lucky audience member will win a solid gold egg, unearthed from an ancient Mayan temple, and another audience member will die horribly, never having known true love. It's one of our most popular reoccurring segments... although honestly, I don't know how, week after week, we manage to keep finding these golden eggs. One would think there would be a finite number available for...
While Francisco has been talking, a man has entered from behind the audience, and walked up the aisle towards the stage. He carries a carton of strawberries, and a large placard that reads Free Strawberries, with quotation marks around the word "Free."
VENDOR
(extremely sarcastic voice, throughout)
Free strawberries! "Free" strawberries!
FRANCISCO
(to vendor)
Excuse... excuse me!
VENDOR
Free...
(to Francisco)
Hey man, I'm working.
The vendor climbs up on stage.
VENDOR (cont'd)
It would be a shame if someone kept me from fulfilling my duties by drawing me into a long conversation while I'm on the clock. It's not like I get paid either way.
FRANCISCO
You don't get paid...?
VENDOR
(sighs)
No, I do. What is it?
FRANCISCO
We're just trying to do a show here, and we don't traditionally have someone wandering around selling concessions-- particularly fresh fruit...
(reconsidering)
Although those strawberries do look delicious. They're free, you say?
VENDOR
Pfft. Yeah, they're "free."
FRANCISCO
Are you... are you sure?
VENDOR
No, I'm not sure. Why don't you look at the sign?
He holds up the sign.
VENDOR (cont'd)
See?
FRANCISCO
It's just that you sound awfully sarcastic, and your sign has quotes around the word "free," which leads me to believe that there are some strings attached, or that "free" is somehow meant ironically.
VENDOR
Oh, those. Yeah, the quotes are around that word because it's a quotation.
FRANCISO
A quotation.
VENDOR
Yeah.
FRANCISCO
An extremely short, one-word, quotation.
VENDOR
Yeah. Like an endorsement.
FRANCISCO
From whom?
VENDOR
Deceased character actor J.T. Walsh.
FRANCISCO
J.T. Walsh?! What was the context of this quote?
VENDOR
It was part of the sentence, "So, are these strawberries really free, or what?" Nice guy. He was great in "The Negotiator."
FRANCISCO
So the strawberries are definitely free.
VENDOR
The strawberries are definitely, positively, absolutely
(he makes air quotes)
"Free."
FRANCISCO
What was that?
VENDOR
What?
FRANCISCO
That gesture you made.
VENDOR
It was a twitch. I have Parkinson's Disease.
FRANCISCO
Oh, I'm sorry.
(he reaches for a berry)
Well, in that case I'll...
A second vendor enters from the back of the house.
SECOND VENDOR
Strawberries! Complementary strawberries! Hey!
He bounds up on stage.
SECOND VENDOR (cont'd)
Good evening sir! Are you tired of other vendors offering
(he does air quotes)
"free" strawberries? Do you crave the sweet, sun-kissed flavor of summer fruit, but don't want to deal with the mind-games of other gratis berry purveyors?
FRANCISCO
Do I ever!
SECOND VENDOR
Then take a berry, kind sir! Take a berry and fly free!
Francisco takes a berry and eats it.
SECOND VENDOR (cont'd)
That'll be $52 shipping and handling.
Music cue: "Shave and a Haircut Two Bits."
FRANCISCO
(reacting to cue)
What was that?
SECOND VENDOR
Sorry, that's my watch. I set the alarm to remind myself that I need to get a shave and a haircut. Gotta go. I'll put the berries on your tab.
He exits.
FRANCISCO
Wait!
Francisco beckons after the second vendor, but is too late. The first vendor regards Francisco with disgust.
VENDOR
Well, I hope you're happy. Your quest for sarcasm-free free berries only led to greater expenditure...
(crossing center stage, to audience)
And I hope we've all learned a valuable lesson about dramatic irony. Mainly that it's a cheap way to get out of a comedy scene. You could've had strawberries! But perhaps Earth isn't ready to believe that a close personal friend of the late J.T. Walsh would distribute fruit without regard for personal gain. Maybe mankind just needs time to mature. As for now, I must take my leave of you-- but when you think of me, think of me as a hero. A hero that for some reason really wants to give you some berries. Farewell.
He leaves the stage.
FRANCISCO
Goodbye, berry man!
VENDOR
Yeah...
(air quotes)
"whatever."
So I'm breaking with tradition (and I might do so again in the future, from time to time) to post this bit from this week's Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game. In addition to writing it, I played the key role of "vendor." It seemed to go over well, despite my dropping a line or two.
Thanks to Andres and the rest of the GTN crew for letting me play in their sandbox for a little while.
The Ironic Vendor Sketch
FRANCISCO
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to play Egg or Anguish. Where one lucky audience member will win a solid gold egg, unearthed from an ancient Mayan temple, and another audience member will die horribly, never having known true love. It's one of our most popular reoccurring segments... although honestly, I don't know how, week after week, we manage to keep finding these golden eggs. One would think there would be a finite number available for...
While Francisco has been talking, a man has entered from behind the audience, and walked up the aisle towards the stage. He carries a carton of strawberries, and a large placard that reads Free Strawberries, with quotation marks around the word "Free."
VENDOR
(extremely sarcastic voice, throughout)
Free strawberries! "Free" strawberries!
FRANCISCO
(to vendor)
Excuse... excuse me!
VENDOR
Free...
(to Francisco)
Hey man, I'm working.
The vendor climbs up on stage.
VENDOR (cont'd)
It would be a shame if someone kept me from fulfilling my duties by drawing me into a long conversation while I'm on the clock. It's not like I get paid either way.
FRANCISCO
You don't get paid...?
VENDOR
(sighs)
No, I do. What is it?
FRANCISCO
We're just trying to do a show here, and we don't traditionally have someone wandering around selling concessions-- particularly fresh fruit...
(reconsidering)
Although those strawberries do look delicious. They're free, you say?
VENDOR
Pfft. Yeah, they're "free."
FRANCISCO
Are you... are you sure?
VENDOR
No, I'm not sure. Why don't you look at the sign?
He holds up the sign.
VENDOR (cont'd)
See?
FRANCISCO
It's just that you sound awfully sarcastic, and your sign has quotes around the word "free," which leads me to believe that there are some strings attached, or that "free" is somehow meant ironically.
VENDOR
Oh, those. Yeah, the quotes are around that word because it's a quotation.
FRANCISO
A quotation.
VENDOR
Yeah.
FRANCISCO
An extremely short, one-word, quotation.
VENDOR
Yeah. Like an endorsement.
FRANCISCO
From whom?
VENDOR
Deceased character actor J.T. Walsh.
FRANCISCO
J.T. Walsh?! What was the context of this quote?
VENDOR
It was part of the sentence, "So, are these strawberries really free, or what?" Nice guy. He was great in "The Negotiator."
FRANCISCO
So the strawberries are definitely free.
VENDOR
The strawberries are definitely, positively, absolutely
(he makes air quotes)
"Free."
FRANCISCO
What was that?
VENDOR
What?
FRANCISCO
That gesture you made.
VENDOR
It was a twitch. I have Parkinson's Disease.
FRANCISCO
Oh, I'm sorry.
(he reaches for a berry)
Well, in that case I'll...
A second vendor enters from the back of the house.
SECOND VENDOR
Strawberries! Complementary strawberries! Hey!
He bounds up on stage.
SECOND VENDOR (cont'd)
Good evening sir! Are you tired of other vendors offering
(he does air quotes)
"free" strawberries? Do you crave the sweet, sun-kissed flavor of summer fruit, but don't want to deal with the mind-games of other gratis berry purveyors?
FRANCISCO
Do I ever!
SECOND VENDOR
Then take a berry, kind sir! Take a berry and fly free!
Francisco takes a berry and eats it.
SECOND VENDOR (cont'd)
That'll be $52 shipping and handling.
Music cue: "Shave and a Haircut Two Bits."
FRANCISCO
(reacting to cue)
What was that?
SECOND VENDOR
Sorry, that's my watch. I set the alarm to remind myself that I need to get a shave and a haircut. Gotta go. I'll put the berries on your tab.
He exits.
FRANCISCO
Wait!
Francisco beckons after the second vendor, but is too late. The first vendor regards Francisco with disgust.
VENDOR
Well, I hope you're happy. Your quest for sarcasm-free free berries only led to greater expenditure...
(crossing center stage, to audience)
And I hope we've all learned a valuable lesson about dramatic irony. Mainly that it's a cheap way to get out of a comedy scene. You could've had strawberries! But perhaps Earth isn't ready to believe that a close personal friend of the late J.T. Walsh would distribute fruit without regard for personal gain. Maybe mankind just needs time to mature. As for now, I must take my leave of you-- but when you think of me, think of me as a hero. A hero that for some reason really wants to give you some berries. Farewell.
He leaves the stage.
FRANCISCO
Goodbye, berry man!
VENDOR
Yeah...
(air quotes)
"whatever."
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
See Me Perform Tonight!
A reminder: I will be in Andres Du Bouchet & Co.'s show Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game, doing a bit I wrote, tonight, March the 7th, at 8:00 PM at Rififi/Cinema Classics 332 E. 11th St. (between 1st & 2nd Aves.) There is one drink minimum, but drinks are cheap, and I'll seem funnier with the booze anyway.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
March Madness... or at least mild depression
For those of you who like to plan your calendar three weeks in advance, take note: I will be performing in Andres Du Bouchet & Co.'s fantastic variety show Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game on March the 7th, at 8:00 PM. I will be acting in a bit that I wrote, essaying the character of "Sarcastic Strawberry Vendor." Make of that what you will.
If you've never seen the show before, just know that it's one of the best and funniest comedy shows in the city, an opinion I held long before I got the chance to contribute anything to it.
The show is every Tuesday at Rififi/Cinema Classics 332 E. 11th St. (between 1st & 2nd Aves.)There is one drink minimum, but with $3 MGD on tap, I think you can swing it.
If you've never seen the show before, just know that it's one of the best and funniest comedy shows in the city, an opinion I held long before I got the chance to contribute anything to it.
The show is every Tuesday at Rififi/Cinema Classics 332 E. 11th St. (between 1st & 2nd Aves.)There is one drink minimum, but with $3 MGD on tap, I think you can swing it.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
The New Issue of Ducts is Online
The new issue of Ducts.org, the literary webzine edited by my friend and former comedy-team-mate, Jonathan Kravetz is now online. I edit the humor section, and would like to draw your attention, in particular, to the "Tribute to Spam," by the inimitable Andres Du Bouchet (of Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There Is a Game); "Movin' Out: The Rough Draft," by my partner in crime Rob Bates; and my own contribution, "Class Notes."
Also, if you poke around the rest of the 'zine, you can see illustrations by yours truly, that run the gamut from competent to passable. Yay!
Also, if you poke around the rest of the 'zine, you can see illustrations by yours truly, that run the gamut from competent to passable. Yay!
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Voluminous End-of-November Update
Hey kids...
It's been a while since I've posted anything on here. I apologize. Although I don't know why I'm apologizing to you, my few readers. I have no obligation to post on my blog. I should be apologizing to me. I'm only hurting myself, since I started this blog to let people know when and where I'd be performing, or if there was a bit of my writing that I wanted to draw your attention to, or whatever. So I've failed myself. Sorry Dan.
But now I'm back. And ready to write a long blog entry with lots and lots of parentheses.
Anyway, the reason why I haven't written anything in a while, is that I'm in a period of transition. As you probably know, Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You ended on November 11 (you can read what Sara has to say about it here). It was an awesome last show, and it was an awesome show in general. Thanks to Sara, who is one of the sweetest, funniest, all-around-best people I know, for getting me involved with it. Still, having it end has been sad, and it's sort of made me wonder what I should do next. I'm at a crossroads, if you will (if you will allow me to be pretentious, that is).
What's next for me? That's what I'm trying to decide. Recently I contributed (for the first time) a bit to Andres Du Bouchet's excellent show Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game. It went over okay, I think (at least, it didn't stick out like a sore thumb), and I hope to contribute more material to that show, whenever they'll have me (although I won't have the sort of "official" involvement that I had with SSIOWY). Jest.com doesn't appear to be updating anymore, but I hope to be involved in an all-new comedy website soon-- although I can't yet give any details. My friend Fed is planning a series of comedy podcasts, a TV series in online form, and I'm going to be one of the writers for that (and I may show up in a guest spot or two). More news on that as it develops. I'm also planning to write a screenplay, just as soon as I can figure out what I want to write about. If anyone pitches an idea to me that I decide to use, I promise to give them 1% of any money I make from the sale of said theoretical script. 1% of a likely $0.00! You can't beat that, so send those ideas in! Maybe I'll do some more stand-up. There's been some vague discussion of a sketch group with some friends of mine. And I've been taking the "Writing for The Daily Show" class over at The P.I.T. So feel free to hire me, Daily Show. But as for a solid new direction, who knows?
Anyway, in the meantime, if you're jonesing for your Dan fix, you can see me at Church Basement on December the 19th at 8 PM. I'll be delivering a couple of my high-larious essays at this bi-monthly reading series, at Mickey's Blue Room on Avenue C between 10th and 1th Streets. Also, if you want to see me at a more social, but still comedy-related, function, you can come to the party to celebrate/ mourn the sad end of Juvie Hall. It's at Slainte (directions behind the link) starting at 7 PM on December 19. You'll recognize me. I'll be the one crying into my beer.
And now, to reward you for slogging through all of that text, here are some photographs of the final Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, courtesy of one of my SSIOWY co-writers, the inimitable Kara Lee Burk:
Oh, the misty watercolored memories...
It's been a while since I've posted anything on here. I apologize. Although I don't know why I'm apologizing to you, my few readers. I have no obligation to post on my blog. I should be apologizing to me. I'm only hurting myself, since I started this blog to let people know when and where I'd be performing, or if there was a bit of my writing that I wanted to draw your attention to, or whatever. So I've failed myself. Sorry Dan.
But now I'm back. And ready to write a long blog entry with lots and lots of parentheses.
Anyway, the reason why I haven't written anything in a while, is that I'm in a period of transition. As you probably know, Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You ended on November 11 (you can read what Sara has to say about it here). It was an awesome last show, and it was an awesome show in general. Thanks to Sara, who is one of the sweetest, funniest, all-around-best people I know, for getting me involved with it. Still, having it end has been sad, and it's sort of made me wonder what I should do next. I'm at a crossroads, if you will (if you will allow me to be pretentious, that is).
What's next for me? That's what I'm trying to decide. Recently I contributed (for the first time) a bit to Andres Du Bouchet's excellent show Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game. It went over okay, I think (at least, it didn't stick out like a sore thumb), and I hope to contribute more material to that show, whenever they'll have me (although I won't have the sort of "official" involvement that I had with SSIOWY). Jest.com doesn't appear to be updating anymore, but I hope to be involved in an all-new comedy website soon-- although I can't yet give any details. My friend Fed is planning a series of comedy podcasts, a TV series in online form, and I'm going to be one of the writers for that (and I may show up in a guest spot or two). More news on that as it develops. I'm also planning to write a screenplay, just as soon as I can figure out what I want to write about. If anyone pitches an idea to me that I decide to use, I promise to give them 1% of any money I make from the sale of said theoretical script. 1% of a likely $0.00! You can't beat that, so send those ideas in! Maybe I'll do some more stand-up. There's been some vague discussion of a sketch group with some friends of mine. And I've been taking the "Writing for The Daily Show" class over at The P.I.T. So feel free to hire me, Daily Show. But as for a solid new direction, who knows?
Anyway, in the meantime, if you're jonesing for your Dan fix, you can see me at Church Basement on December the 19th at 8 PM. I'll be delivering a couple of my high-larious essays at this bi-monthly reading series, at Mickey's Blue Room on Avenue C between 10th and 1th Streets. Also, if you want to see me at a more social, but still comedy-related, function, you can come to the party to celebrate/ mourn the sad end of Juvie Hall. It's at Slainte (directions behind the link) starting at 7 PM on December 19. You'll recognize me. I'll be the one crying into my beer.
And now, to reward you for slogging through all of that text, here are some photographs of the final Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, courtesy of one of my SSIOWY co-writers, the inimitable Kara Lee Burk:
Oh, the misty watercolored memories...
Friday, August 19, 2005
Bored on Tuesdays?
You all know me-- I'm self-centered, and I rarely plug other people's shows. Those jerks can fend for themselves. This is my poorly-read performance calendar/ blog, dammit. Other people can post their own cries for help on the Internet.
The other reason is: I rarely make it out to comedy shows. Consider this a blanket non-apology for all my friends' things I've missed, but there are two reasons for my low attendance:
The other reason is: I rarely make it out to comedy shows. Consider this a blanket non-apology for all my friends' things I've missed, but there are two reasons for my low attendance:
- I'm lazy.
- I'm married.
Thus, after you factor in my day jobbiness and the shows I do and things I write for, I just want to hang out on the couch with my wife and my cat and watch full seasons of 24 on DVD. Which will probably be my downfall, someday, since I should be out "networking," but damn that Jack Bauer is a tough bastard.
Still, sometimes I get off my ass and go see someone else's show. One such occasion was this past Tuesday, when I finally, finally, saw Andres Du Bouchet's show, Gigantic Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game. I realize I'm way behind the curve on this one. Sure it won the 2004 ECNY for Best Variety Show. Sure, Time Out NY consistantly reccommends it. Sure, Andres was one of Back Stage's comedy Best Bets for 2004-- an honor bestowed in 2005 upon a couple of other people I know. Also, yes fine, I met Andres over a year ago, when Ritch Duncan and I took part in a reading of humor pieces, and the three of us went out afterwards to drink and make fun of one of the other readers.
On the other hand:
- Lazy
- Married
The point is, I know Andres doesn't need my help (when I went, the place was packed), and even if he did, my endorsement might be worth one extra audience member at most. Still, I was impressed enough by the show that I had to post something about it. If you're like me, and you never see shows, this is the one that should make you break that lazy streak. The committment that the performer exhibited-- the real comic acting (remember that? acting?) that supported the cleverly written bits was a real inspiration. Andres almost made me believe that he was Francisco Guglioni, native of Boliviguay, the tiny Latin-American Extravaganzocracy, where virtually every citizen hosts their own show. And the ensemble brought the same level of committment to every sketch.
Plus it's free (although The Apiary claims that Rififfi might stick in a one-drink minimum someday).
Best of all, I was one of the winners of the "and Also There is a Game" part of Gigantic Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game. I correctly identified "Monkey" as the word most often used in NYC improv-team-names. The prizes that were distributed to winning audience members were old pornographic videotapes that writer Michael Reisman was getting rid of to "...make room for the baby's crib." I was the proud recipient of "Deep Inside Sindee Coxx" a compilation tape padded with interview segments that take the time to help us really get to know what Sindee Coxx feels about things.
I'd like to close this inordinately long post by noting the special brilliance of the porn name Sindee Coxx. To wit:
- Eschewing the normal spelling of Cindy, in favor of "Sindee," allows "Sin" to be part of her name.
- "Coxx" = Cocks. Get it?
- The double X at the end of Coxx refers to the pornographic nature of her films, and provides an eloquent echo of the double E in her first name.
See what I mean? It works on so many levels.
All right, enough of this. Go see Andres in GTN. And see me in Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, tonight.
Monday, July 18, 2005
Monday Morning Hangover
Good show last night. I particularly liked two sketches, one by Andres Du Bouchet, the full text of which you can read online (I got to play the Doctor), and one by my old friend and former Robotski member Federico Hatoum, about a couple of gentle mobsters (while 'terrorizing' a couple for their protection money: "It would be a real shame if a meteor crashed into the Earth, ending all mammalian life... That's not a threat; it's just something I worry about.") And Laura contributed a delightful visit from Carob Carl for the news segment, wherein the creepy Willy Wonka-like owner of a Carob factory dropped by, despondent over the unpleasantness of his chocolate substitute.
I contributed the closer for the evening, "Weekend at Rehnquist's" wherein Minority Leader Harry Reid and late-80's actor Andrew McCarthy find the chief justice passed away, and (fearing two Bush appointees) they rig up a pulley system so he can give a straight vote by show of hands on the issues of "abortion, stem cell research, and affirmative action, in an unprecedented three-for-one decision." It ended with the voodoo-cursed, Hawaiian shirt-wearing corpse of Rehnquist leading the full cast in a conga line around the stage. People seemed to like it-- some stuff got a huge response.
As is my (new) wont, here are a couple of my jokes from the newsdesk:
According to a poll, the Disney character consumers relate to the most is Goofy, winning out over Mickey, Donald, and others. You know, when asked what makes America so great, I can’t help but think of that majority, who willfully identified themselves as being most similar to a retarded dog-man.
Willie Nelson released a reggae album called "Countryman," on Tuesday. Willie Nelson AND reggae? I think High Times just found its Album of the Year.
I contributed the closer for the evening, "Weekend at Rehnquist's" wherein Minority Leader Harry Reid and late-80's actor Andrew McCarthy find the chief justice passed away, and (fearing two Bush appointees) they rig up a pulley system so he can give a straight vote by show of hands on the issues of "abortion, stem cell research, and affirmative action, in an unprecedented three-for-one decision." It ended with the voodoo-cursed, Hawaiian shirt-wearing corpse of Rehnquist leading the full cast in a conga line around the stage. People seemed to like it-- some stuff got a huge response.
As is my (new) wont, here are a couple of my jokes from the newsdesk:
According to a poll, the Disney character consumers relate to the most is Goofy, winning out over Mickey, Donald, and others. You know, when asked what makes America so great, I can’t help but think of that majority, who willfully identified themselves as being most similar to a retarded dog-man.
Willie Nelson released a reggae album called "Countryman," on Tuesday. Willie Nelson AND reggae? I think High Times just found its Album of the Year.
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