Monday, April 17, 2006

The Dead-Joke Office

Hey. In case you go for this sort of thing, here are some monologue-style jokes I wrote last week (they went unused). Why waste them, though? Here they are, for your mild amusement.

During a lavish nationally televised ceremony, which featured dancers performing while holding capsules of uranium, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced Tuesday that his country had successfully enriched uranium for the first time, and that Iran had also, finally, successfully given an entire dance troupe radiation sickness.

New York State Gubernatorial candidate Bill Weld misspoke this week when he said that Harlem has a huge "anthrax" problem, when he really meant asthma. So you may want to stop using those anthrax inhalers.

Ikea is planning to open a store in Beijing, China, that will be second only in size to its Stockholm showroom—but the Chinese Ikea furniture's flimsiness will be second to none.

New York State Senator Ada Smith defended herself on Tuesday against charges that she threw coffee in the face of an aide by saying that she doesn't drink coffee, she drinks tea—a telling detail that led Encyclopedia Brown to conclude that, in fact, the villain in this case was none other than Bugs Meany!

Barilla, the world's largest maker of pasta, announced that it will not renew its endorsement contract with skier Bode Miller, who failed to medal at this year's Winter Olympics, although Budwiser will maintain its lucrative deal with Mr. Miller, wherein, in exchange for cash, they give him beer.

It was reported this week that Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard are expecting a baby and plan to marry soon. The unborn child has already received an Independent Spirit Award.

President Bush on Wednesday went on the road to urge seniors to enroll in Medicare's prescription-drug program, in return for some delicious hard candy.

A man in South Africa, who set his pet snakes free inside the headquarters of the country's largest bank following a dispute over a loan, has been barred from entering any of the bank's branches ever again. The incident has inspired the new film, Snakes in a Bank, starring Samuel L. Jackson, with a screenplay by Dr. Seuss.

This week Winnie the Pooh was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Then, later, a dog did something extremely ironic on it.

While teen pregnancies is on the decline nationally, at a high school in Canton, Ohio during the 2004-2005 school year, 64 out of nearly 500 girls at the school became pregnant, and this year, 9 girls showed up on the first day of school pregnant. Look, Tom Cruise, we get it. You're not gay.

In honor of Easter, here is a picture of a fat rabbit.


Rob Bates said...

I like the last one in particular; far cleverer than what was used. And they used a similar concept for the Glyndenhal...

Dan McCoy said...

I have no idea which popular television show you might be talking about.

laura b said...

That rabbit really needs to lose some weight.

laura b said...

That rabbit really needs to lose some weight.

fusenumber8 said...

I skimmed the article, saw the words "Tom Cruise", saw the rabbit, and assumed that this was the bunny that died when they found out Katie was pregnant. You have to admit that as hare-related-deaths go, that one has style.