The Return of Gchat Theater

me:http://www.wrongsideoftheart.com/2009/02/her-name-was-lisa-1979-usa/

Ritch: Kinda makes two thumbs up look a little tame.

me: More movies should be reviewed with "FULL ERECTION, 100%!"

Ritch: I'd give Showgirls like a 55%

me: Embrace of the Vampire on the other hand...

Ritch: I'd like to see "MAINTAINED A FAIRLY CONSTANT CHUBBY"

me: "Soft, but that wasn't really the movie's fault--I've just been really tired and stressed."

Ritch: ha

"Full Erection 100 percent, but I'll qualify that by saying I watched the movie in the back of a slowly rumbling bus."

me: These are the downfalls of the erection-based movie rating system.

Ritch: If you achieve a full erection 100 percent for the entirety of this Ken Burns documentary, consult your physician.

The Flop House Episode Forty-Five is ONLINE

Sometimes you eat the Skinwalker, and sometimes the Skinwalker eats you. For our first ever five man podcast, we bring in some experts -- specifically, the authors of the book The Werewolf's Guide to Life: A Manual for the Newly-Bitten (available for purchase Tuesday, September 15) Bob Powers and Ritch Duncan. Perhaps they'll be able to explain this Navajo werewolf opus. Meanwhile, Dan is uncharacteristically lewd, Elliott reveals his unexpected martial arts skills, and Stuart discloses his secret identity as a vigilante stripper.

0:00 - 0:31 - Introduction and theme
0:32 - 3:58- We introduce our guests, lycanthropy activists Ritch Duncan and Bob Powers.
3:59 - 35:58 - What are "Skinwalkers?" Are they ancient legendary beasts? Are they sufferers of a terrible curse? Are they nudists? Or, perhaps they're just a way to tart up a lousy werewolf movie in Native American garb.
35:59 - 41:51- Final judgments
41:52 - 48:21 - The sad bastards recommend.
48:22 - 50:09 - Goodbyes, theme and outtakes.

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Wikipedia synopsis of Skinwalkers

If you've recently been bitten by something suspiciously large and hairy, you may want to purchase Ritch and Bob's book:



And read their WEREWOLF BLOG.

You also may be interested in some of Bob's solo books:

You Are a Miserable Excuse for a Hero!: Book One in the Just Make a Choice! Series

The Terrible, Horrible, Temp-to-Perm Debacle: Book Two in the Just Make a Choice! Series

Happy Cruelty Day!: Daily Celebrations of Quiet Desperation

Or, if you want something you can surreptitiously read at work, then why not follow Ritch's blogging at TruTv.com?

And we leave you with this short video, starring Mr. Duncan:

Mr. Whitepants at Ochi's TOMORROW

From Ritch Duncan (the host)'s promo release:

Third Friday's comedy show is back with a vengeance, and by that I mean "back."

There is never a cover charge, and if you haven't come by in a while, this one will be a great one- performing Friday night:

Patrick Borelli
Rob Lathan
The Sketch Comedy of Mr. Whitepants
Jane Borden
Peggy O'Brien
Charles Starr

Just a one item minimum per audience member, this free show starts at 7:00, ends at 8:30, and will be greatly enhanced by your presence!

Friday, August 21
7:00pm - 8:45pm
Ochi's Lounge (Downstairs at Comix)
353 W. 14th Street (between 8th and 9th)
New York, NY

The Flop House on TruTv.com

Hey, check it out -- we got interviewed over at the TruTv.com blog (you may remember it back when it was called Court TV) about The Flop House, the bad movie podcast that's taking the world by storm. Or, at least, the basic cable website parts of the world.

"Fruit Talk" With Dan & Ritch

Ritch's new status message - Honeydew melon is the scourge of the fruit salad.

me: And how.

Ritch: I had thought that citrus was the worst, but when they just layer the bottom with honeydew, then throw a kiwi, a few blueberry and a grape on top you're getting hosed.

me: You figure honeydew is a cheap crop?

I guess it has to be.

The way they throw it around.

Seems weird though, since all melons have to take up a lot of space.

Ritch: right

me: Honeydew is like someone soaked some Styrofoam in rose water.

Ritch: It's not bad, but I'm not buying a whole tub of it

now cataloupe, there's a difffernt story

me: That's your money melon.

Ritch: amen to that

The watermelon enjoys far too lofty a status.

me: Agreed.

It's just a lot of lightly sweetened liquid in a marginal melon shell.

And everyone's so excited about it, in the summer.

Plus: too big.

Never seen any picnic go through an entire melon.

Let's get on that, science.

Ritch: All very true

the big sell on watermelon- "lets carve a hole in it and pour vodka in it!"

me: Yeah.

And really, couldn't you do that with nearly anything?

I know it works with me.

Ritch: That's throwing good after bad, that's what that is

me: Sans carving the hole.

I come pre-holed.

Everything-- improved by vodka!

Ritch: There's your memoir:

"Dan McCoy: Preholed"

Mango is pretty good

it never really gets involved in the whole melon debate

and I know, it might not technically be a melon, but it deserves discussion in that family

me: Oh, man.

A mango?

Fantastic.

Ritch: It beats the pants off watermelon, that's for sure.

You ever hear of watermelon salsa?

Hell no.

Watermelon chutney?

Never

People act like watermelon is great by adding the word "fresh"

WOW- fresh watermelon?

That's the only way to eat it.

And, it tastes like water, and is a borderline racial epithet

me: Yeah, fuck that melon.

(not literally)

Ritch: It might be pretty good for that, actually.

I mean, melonwise.

Actually, that might be where the honeydew comes back into play

me: This has been "Fruit Talk" with Dan and Ritch.

Ritch: I like it

Tune in tomorrow for "Cherries: Why don't we eat them more?"

me: The answer may surprise you.

The Flop House Episode Twenty-Three is ONLINE!

We're joined by comedian and writer Ritch Duncan to talk about Wild Hogs, the movie that posits that middle aged actors on motorcycles is inherently funny. Meanwhile, Elliott does his scarily accurate Ray Liotta laugh, Dan delves into John Travolta's tortured psyche, and Ritch proposes a Bruce Springsteen simile that perfectly sums up The Flop House.

0:00 - 0:32 - Introduction and theme.
0:33 - 2:45 - We welcome back Elliott Kalan, make fun of Stuart, and reintroduce Ritch Duncan.
2:46 - 40:22 - We make up for our spottily-released late summer shows by making this our second-longest episode ever and spending far too much time discussing Wild Hogs-- possibly more than the screenwriter took to write it.
40:23 - 44:30 - Final judgments.
44:31 - 49:10 - We congratulate Elliott on some huge news, and spend a little time discussing the Ewe Boll contest (with a brief R.I.P. for Dan's local video rental place).
49:11 - 55:56 - The sad bastards recommend.
55:57 - 57:28 - Goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

Press the play button above to listen to this episode
Download Mp3

Paste theflophouse.libsyn.com/rss into iTunes (or your favorite podcatching software) to have new episodes of The Flop House delivered to you directly, as they're released.









Wikipedia synopsis of Wild Hogs

Hey, I'm on Gawker!

No, I wasn't spotted in a heated argument with Milo Ventimiglia outside of DaSilvano or canoodling with Martha Stewart in the secret bottle-service back room of a Duane Reade (bet you didn't know they had them, did you?).

Actually, I wrote something for Gawker's regular Looking at the Look Book feature. Here's the bit (my friend Jack Kukoda also wrote something for this installment). And here's the original New York Magazine Look Book (you might want to read that first).

Thanks to the ever-awesome Ritch Duncan for referring me.

Of Death, Breasts, and Court TV

So, speaking of bad movies, I host a semi-regular bad movie night for friends. Last year, on Kentucky Derby day (don't look for a reason for the scheduling, because there is none), I screened Hard Ticket to Hawaii, which turned out to be a great favorite of the regular attendees.

Flash forward to this week, when I learned some tragic news. Here's an excerpt from the email I sent to friends:

"I'm sad to inform you all that Andy Sidaris, auteur behind past movie night favorite Hard Ticket to Hawaii, died yesterday at the age of 76. One can only hope that he passed away peacefully, surrounded by busty former Playboy models (brandishing bazookas), and perhaps a giant rubber snake."

Anyway, the news inspired my friend Ritch Duncan, former editor of Jest Magazine and current funny stand-up, to write this piece for the Court TV blog.*

R.I.P. Andy Sidaris. May flights of nipples sing thee to thy rest.



















*Raising the obvious question, "Court TV has a blog?"

It's Not Even 2008 Yet, and the Smears Have Already Begun!

(Courtesy of Ritch Duncan)

Then again, look at the shocking photo of Mr. Duncan we had our archivist dig up...

Captains in Space, "The Theatrical Version"

Hey, are you a fan of watching things that are meant to be seen on a very small screen blown up to several times their intended size, with all the loss in resolution that entails?

Who isn't?! But it's such a pain to set up your projection TV to play on an IMAX screen. Not to mention the cost and labor of building an IMAX screen. So, instead, why don't you come see the first theatrical showing of our video podcast, as part of May's "Big Bang" at the Manhattan Comedy Collective.

Yes, that's right-- we'll be screening a rotating program of two of our Captains in Space shorts, every Thursday in May, at 7:15 PM, at The Gene Frankel Theater Underground at 24 Bond Street (East 2nd St.) in the East Village. It's on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, in the basement theater, where the 8 x 10 foot screen is sure to be kind to our non-professional blue-screen effects!

Unless I've been misguided, the ticket price is $7, but if you pay for one show, you're entitled to stay for the whole night of shows. And the entry fee includes one drink ticket. Not too shabby.

And here's a bonus, on at least the 4th and 11th of May (and possibly on the 18th and 24th, too), the shorts will be introduced by Captain Fed himself (Federico Hatoum) as well as Captains writer Dan McCoy (me). So come on, nerds-- this is time for you to get all your Captains in Space merchandise signed, or confront us about episode three, in which the captains yell so hard that the echoes travel through space, even though deep space is soundless.

In other news, if you haven't seen this video, by Giant Tuesday Night host Andres du Bouchet, you should check it out. I had absolutely nothing to do with it, but I think it's funny, and thus am pointing you that way. If you look close, you can see a cameo by Ritch Duncan, my old editor at Jest Magazine. He's a hell of a thespian, that one.

Oh, and keep the 18th at 10 PM open. I can't tell you why, yet. Just save the date. And, while you're at it, go get me a sandwich.

Some Old Comedy

Hey. Since the Jest site is being rejiggered, and--at least for now--no longer holds any archived pieces (and a lot of my stuff was never put online in the first place), I'm gonna, over the next couple of days, post some of the things I wrote for them up here.

As far as I've been able to ascertain, I retain the rights to do this (at least with stuff that was published more than six months ago) as long as I make it clear that this material was originally published in Jest. Which it was. Jest, Jest, Jest! Contractual obligation filled! Plus, when the new Jest website is up, I'll let you guys know, and you can see all-new material from yours truly.

But for now, let's start off by revisiting my very first work for that publication, the piece that first brought me to the attention of then-editor Ritch Duncan:

Variations on Four Themes by Shakespeare

Sonnet 18
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You lack the pungent aroma of barbecue
but are much less likely to cause skin cancer

Shall I compare thee to a blood-fattened tick?
Thou art less likely to give me lyme disease,
but I think your deodorant is giving me a rash

Shall I compère for thee at the open mic night?
Write me some salty dialogue and perhaps I shall.

Shall I compare thee to the most beautiful woman in the world?
Are you sure? Don’t say I didn’t warn thee.

Sonnet 130
My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun;
nor like the moon, neither;
nor like coffee-grounds in their discarded filter.
Also, they do not resemble limpid pools of half-melted butter,
and they are nothing like those of Don Knotts

My mistress’ breasts are not unlike two huge balloons, or perchance two smaller offshoots of a much larger balloon, such as one might find on balloons depicting Mickey Mouse

My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun.
They are not a swirling mass of hydrogen and helium;
nor are they 93 million miles away, preferring, as they do, to rest in her eye sockets;
nor by any stretch of the imagination would one call them life-giving,
although they are a nice shade of greeny-gray.

Sonnet 71
No longer mourn for me when I am dead.
Instead, agonize about how you should have been nicer to me when I was alive.

Sonnet 30
When to the sessions of sweet silent thought
I summon up remembrance of things past,
and I think once more,
I should have made a pass at Sally Ann Chambers that one time in middle school

When to the sessions of sweet silent thought
I summon up remembrance of things past.
Picking up Swann’s Way
I reflect: Seven volumes is too much.
And I wait, in vain,
for the movie

Yeah, I Had a Birthday... JEALOUS?

My birthday celebration was on June 18 (my real b-day was the 19th, but y'know... that was a Sunday).

There was much hubbub, hullaballoo, and folderal. There have even been reports of isolated gamboling, but those are, as yet, unconfirmed.

Anyway, many comedy folks were in attendance, as well as some non-comedy folks (I do have normal friends, you know). However, since this is my comedy blog, I'll stick to embarrassing those people.



My cake... apparently people were under the impression that they were attending Larry Flynt's birthday. And what's with the nipple next to the 2? It seems to be migrating off the breast. Perhaps it has dreams of becoming someone else's third nipple.



Why, it's Juvie Hall impresario and Back Stage 2005 Comedy Best Bet, Erik Marcisack, looking at the camera as if to say, "I came all the way out to Brooklyn, and all I got was this Coors Light t-shirt?"



Hey, who let our tech guy Joe out of the booth? Someone get the cattle prod.



My college friend Liz (actress extraordinaire and SNR special guest) and I are dancing so hard that we've thrown the picture out of focus.



"In Which Comedian and Writer Ritch Duncan and I Gesticulate Wildly"

And now, the most scandalous pictures of all. (The bidding starts now, US Weekly!) How do the host of Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, and SSIOWY staff writer Dan McCoy unwind after their triumphant Lisa Loeb/ Chris Genoa show?



...by drinking some kind of fruit-flavored booze out of an enormous goblet.



Whoa! Slow down there, TV's Sara Schaefer!



DAMN YOU, SCHAEFER!!!!!

In Which Dan Announces the New Issue of Ducts, and Plugs Someone Else's Show

I hope everyone had a good Independence Day, and celebrated by telling the corpse of George III exactly where he could stick it.

The new issue of Ducts, the webzine for which I am "Humor Editor," is now online. I put humor editor in quotes, because working for Ducts is an approximately one hour a month job, sorting through and soliciting submissions via email, and choosing which ones go up on the site. And for that, I get to be called Editor. What a marvelous country we live in. There should be a holiday celebrating it-- perhaps in early July somewhere.

I'd like to call extra attention to this piece by my good friend and former editor of Jest Magazine, Ritch Duncan. Also, I'd like to direct you to my own contribution to this issue. It's my shortest one yet! Hooray!

Why so short, Dan? Well, maybe it's because I was working on many of the illustrations that adorn the issue, illustrations that undoubtably would've looked a lot better had I been paid more. Publisher, take note.

Oh, and I don't usually mention other people's stuff (they have their own damn blogs: see my links for reference), but if you get a chance you should stop by Elliott Kalan's show, The Midnight Kalan, at Juvie Hall. Sure it's on alternate Fridays at Midnight, which makes it hard to catch, but the $3 ticket price includes a delicious slice of pizza, and it's the best and wackiest unscripted live talk show in New York... and I'm not just saying this because I had the honor of playing the part of "drunk Sara Schaefer, audience heckler" at the last performance, despite not having Sara's gams. (For a description of episode eight, the first Midnight Kalan I had the honor of seeing, read The Midnight Blog.)