Dead Joke Office

You know the drill...

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The Tony nominations were announced Tuesday, but Julia Roberts did not receive one, even though her play Days of Rain is a hit. Insiders blame the fact that there isn't currently a category for "Best Freakishly Large Smile."

Details of the classified NSA wiretap program were given to full congressional committees for the first time on Wednesday. And attached to those details was a tiny wireless microphone.

Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan reportedly got into a screaming match at a Los Angeles club after Lohan went over to Hilton's table. Apparently Lohan stole a bite off of Hilton's plate of air.

Texas is close to raising the speed limit on two of its interstate highways to 80 MPH-- reportedly to save money on lethal injections.

The maker of Cesamet, a synthetic drug similar to the active ingredient in marijuana, said Tuesday that it had received FDA approval for US sales. It will be sold along with another drug, which mimics the active ingredient in Fritos.

It is estimated that Paul McCartney, who is divorcing his wife, could have to pay her a possible 400 million dollars. Upon hearing this, Mr. McCartney immediately phoned his wife, saying, "We can work it out."

A small, but growing number of colleges are holding "lavender graduations" to honor gay and lesbian students-- although many gay and lesbian students say that the idea sounds "kinda gay."
New York City police have been warned about a new rapid-fire pistol that is disguised as a cell phone, although the upside is, if anyone gets shot by one, the NSA will know.