In Which I Dispel Pernicious Rumors Regarding My Mortality

I must admit to being completely baffled by the recent outpouring of cards and letters, lamenting my passing. In an attempt to put these rumors to rest, let me assure you of this-- the reports of my death by stingray have been greatly exaggerated.

I can only assume, America, that you have somehow gotten me confused with the beloved television host and wildlife enthusiast, Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin, and his recent tragic demise. We all mourn this loss. However, while in the throes of grief, it is important to not allow such emotions to cloud the mind. I am not a hyperactive Australian adventurer. I am a sardonic Brooklyn writer/ performer. Also, I rarely wear shorts.

Thus, while I appreciate the several large donations made to wildlife preservation organizations in my name, I simply do not understand why such donations have been made. Honestly, as a man with significant student loan and credit debt, I would prefer that, should you wish to make a Dan McCoy-related contribution it be sent directly to me, in the form of large checks made out to cash.

Perhaps there has been a misprint in some widely-read obituary column, but even so, people-- please use your heads. I am a land-based mammal living in a northern state. Stingrays are tropical marine creatures. How plausible does my death sound now? Huh? Don't you feel silly?

In fact, I've compiled a short list, detailing the incidents in my life that come closest to a stingray encounter.

1990 - Stung by bee in foot (unconfirmed - bee unseen)

2001 - Present - Lived in NYC, city with largest per capita concentration of pizzerias with "Ray" in the name

2005 - Felt slightly "stung" by the length of the film Ray starring Jamie Foxx.

That's it! Hardly an extensive list!

So in conclusion, I'd just like to say, please stop sending cards and letters, as I'm totally... AAAGH! I'M BEING EATEN BY A BEAR!

In Which I Expound Upon My Sure-Fire Get-Rich Scheme, With Regards to the Prevailing Entertainment Mode of the Day

I don't watch American Idol, but its saturation into the national consciousness is such that I'm aware that exiled singers receive a montage set to that "so you had a bad day" song. Similarly, So You Think You Can Dance (which I have seen a bit of, thanks to my wife*) sends off half their contestants to a song titled "End of the Road."

Therefore, I plan to support myself by writing a hit song to be used in reality show eliminations. Producers please take note. Some sample titles:

"So You've Had a Day That Ended With You Being Eliminated From Some Sort of Talent Competition"

"Not Good Enough to Be America's Sweetheart/ Nor Bad Enough to Be its Joke"

"Ultimately, You Were Sub-Par"

"The Only Thing Worse Than Being on a Reality Show (Is Not Being on a Reality Show)"

"Hello Third Lead in a Teen-Targeted Romantic Comedy!"

"This Was, Quite Literally, the High Point of Your Life. Hope You Enjoyed it."

"Get the Fuck Out of Here!"

*in this (and only this) instance, "wife" actually does mean "wife" and not "me snuggled up in a terry-cloth robe, sipping an extra-chocolatey mudslide and softly crying."

Metapost: New Addition to Sidebar

Notice anything different in the sidebar? No. Why would you? Who in their right mind would pay enough attention to something like that?

I'll put you out of your misery-- I've added an "Upcoming Shows" section. When I started this site, the only thing I posted was information about upcoming shows (or places you could read my material, or news, etc.). I wanted it to be a place people could go, if they were curious about what I had going on, so that I wouldn't constantly be irritating everyone via email plugs. What I didn't want it to be was another blog, cluttering up the Internets with unfocused musings or navel-gazing.

However, you may have noticed (again, why would you?) that I've recently loosened things up, and started posting a wider variety of comedy-related things, in the interest of making things around here less killingly boring. I think that's a good thing; but, as a friend pointed out this weekend, it does mean that the shows-- this site's original reason to be-- have gotten a little lost in the shuffle.

So: I'll still post full information about shows in the main body of the site, as information or occasion warrants, but now the key info about upcoming shows will always be only a glance away.

Wow, I sure used a lot of words to say "upcoming shows will now be listed in the sidebar." Writing is editing, my ass.

Minor Victory Monday:The Return!

Once again, I was one of this week's finalists in Daniel Radosh's excellent New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest.

In Which I Specify My Favorite Kind of Memoir

Autopornographical.

Primetime Kalan Tidbit

For those of you who didn't make it out to the show, here's a bit from Saturday's Primetime Kalan, written by me. It went over fairly well, I think. More importantly, (1.) I got to do a mediocre Columbo impression, and (2.) I wore a trench coat borrowed from The Daily Show. Who knows who else may have worn that same coat? Corddry? Helms? A pre-Colbert-Report Stephen Colbert? Oh the comedy costume magic!

Anyway, here's the sketch:

ELLIOTT
And so if Claudette Colbert and Irene Dunne got into a knife fight, I think it would go a little something like...

DAN has ENTERED , as LIEUTENANT COLUMBO, while Elliott has been talking. He makes his way towards the stage.

COLUMBO
Mr. Kalan! Mr. Kalan!

ELLIOTT
Yes, yes, lieutenant. What are you doing here?

COLUMBO
I'm sorry to interrupt, but I just thought of a question I wanted to ask you.

ELLIOTT
Well, what is it Columbo? I'm a very busy man.

COLUMBO
Yes sir, I know; I'm sorry. It's just... you told me that when you found the body, you were alone in the house...

ELLIOTT
Yes, yes! We've been over this before!

COLUMBO
But that's just it, sir. When the sergeant arrived, he said there were two glasses of bourbon on the bar. If you were alone the whole time, why would there have been two there? I just can't figure it out.

ELLIOTT
Well, I think it's clear that I was surprised by finding the body. That sort of thing is a terrible shock. I must have forgotten about my first drink, and poured a new one without realizing it, before I called the police.

COLUMBO
That makes sense. You're probably right, that's probably it. I'm sorry to have bothered you.

ELLIOTT
Not at all, lieutenant, that's what I'm here for.

COLUMBO
(leaving)
Have a good day, sir.
(he stops)
Oh, there's just one more thing, Mr. Kalan.

ELLIOTT
(exploding)
What is it, Lieutenant! Can't you see I'm busy! I'm in the middle of a show here! I must attend to my audience!

COLUMBO
(noticing audience for the first time)
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. Please excuse me. The last thing Mrs. Columbo and I would want when we're out on the town, seeing a nice show, is some guy coming in, going on and on. Please forgive me.

ELLIOTT
Never mind about that! What's your question.

COLUMBO
Yessir. It's just... there was lipstick on the second glass. Could you explain that, sir?

ELLIOTT
Well, clearly, in my distressed frame of mind, I must have applied lipstick before pouring and drinking the second glass! It's as clear as day!

COLUMBO
(of course)
That's it. Thank you for helping me figure that out sir. I'm sorry to have bothered you.

ELLIOTT
Not at all. I'll see you later, lieutenant.

COLUMBO
I'm sure you will sir.

Columbo LEAVES through the audience, excusing himself as he passes by each table, in an elaborately and polite, but completely disruptive manner. Elliott fumes.

COLUMBO
Oh, one last thing!

ELLIOTT
(breaking down)
Fine! I'll tell you everything about that horrible horrible night! Anything you want to know! What!? What is it?

COLUMBO
Uh... where's the can?

ELLIOTT
Oh. It's right behind you, lieutenant.

COLUMBO
Thanks.

ELLIOT
As I was saying, Irene Dunne...

ERIK ENTERS as FATHER DOWLING.

FATHER DOWLING
Mr. Kalan, may I have a word with you?

ELLIOTT
Father Dowling!

FATHER DOWLING
Yes, my son. I'd like ask you some questions. There's been a disturbing incident with some poisoned communion wine, and...

ELLIOTT
Uh, Father Dowling, you know I'm Jewish, right?

FATHER DOWLING
You are? Oh. Well. I only solve Christian-themed mysteries. Sorry to have bothered you.

ELLIOTT
Finally, being Jewish pays off somehow. Anyway, as I -

FATHER DOWLING
Just one thing, if I could get serious for a moment.
(addressing the audience)
There's a petition by the door to get The Father Dowling Mysteries released on DVD. If you could just sign it on your way out, that'd be great. We're trying to get fifty thousand signatures, and right now we have... uh, two. So...

ELLIOTT
Thank you, Father Dowling!

FATHER DOWLING
Just a little bit of background on the show...

ELLIOT
Father...

FATHER DOWLING
I'm a priest in Chicago, who solves crimes. I'm assisted in my investigations by a streetwise nun who grew up in a housing project, so she can hotwire cars, and stuff...

ELLIOTT
Please, just...

FATHER DOWLING
...and it ran for three seasons, from 1987 to '91.

ELLIOTT
Father, I...
(then, surprised)
Really? That long?

FATHER DOWLING
Yes.

ELLIOTT
Are you sure it wasn't like two seasons and a Christmas special?

FATHER DOWLING
Three seasons.

ELLIOTT
(still unbelieving)
Okay. Well, anyway, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

FATHER DOWLING
Okay.
(leaving)
Remember, sign that petition! The DVDs will include the lost episode where the streetwise nun and I give into our animal lust and do it missionary-style for the whole hour.

ELLIOTT
That episode doesn't exist.

FATHER DOWLING
It does IN MY MIND!

ELLIOTT
All right! Get out of here!

If you missed this last show, cry not. We'll be doing an all-new show next month-- on September 24 to be exact-- with special guest Demetri Martin. You won't want to miss it.

Primetime Kalan TOMORROW NIGHT

Here's my last plug for tomorrow's Primetime Kalan (the live talk/ variety show for which I'm a regular writer and performer). I'll let Mr. Kalan himself do the shilling:

Hey Kalan fans!

Just a reminder that tomorrow night at 8:30pm EST sees an all new episode of THE PRIMETIME KALAN, featuring amazing guest stars and all your favorite characters! Well, we don't really have any characters, but we do have some great guest stars, like Sarah Walker and Jess Cantrell ("Walker & Cantrell") and Devon Coleman and D'Arcy Erokan ("Frowned Upon").

Plus, don't forget it's an all new event in for our show, the PRIMETIME KALAN PRIMETIME TIME CAPSULE! What is it exactly? You'll have to show up to find out! Get ready for something!

Plus: Animals! Detectives! Vengeful machinery!

It's the show that's got something for everybody who likes this show!

THE PRIMETIME KALAN - Saturday, August 26th, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy's 43
43 East 7th Street, below ground level
Manhattan
Tix: $5

More info available here and here.

In Which I Dish About the Returning Television Programs

With the new fall TV season just starting, everyone's been after me for the exclusive scoop about what lies in store for them on their favorite shows. Well, I can't deny you, America! But be forewarned: spoilers lie ahead!

House MD - I have it on very good authority that there will be an episode where Dr. House gets in trouble for his unconventional methods. Also, look for the actors playing House's team, Omar Epps, Jesse Spencer, and Jennifer Morrison, to really step up and explore their roles as "Black Guy," "Australian Guy," and "Guy Who's Actually a Girl."

24 - A highly placed source has leaked me a snippet of dialogue from an upcoming episode. His only request was that I ex out a few of the words, so as to preserve the suspense. Here we go, kiddies!

JACK
(out of breath)
Chloe, I need those XXXXXXX's routed to my XXXXXX NOW!

CHLOE
I'm on it, Jack.

BUCHANAN
(sexily)
XXXXXXXX

I can hardly wait!

Prison Break – Spies on set tell me that this season Wentworth Miller will frequently glower soulfully.



















It’s like he can see right through me! Oh Wentworth! Can't … look… away.

My Name is Earl - This season we finally get the banned "Moustache Rides" episode.

Lost - The producers promise me that the season will start with a mind-blowing revelation that will turn everything you know about the island, the survivors, and the Others completely on its head. Then, in the middle of the season, there will be another mind-blowing revelation that turns everything you know approximately ninety degrees! Then, the season ends with a third mind-blowing revelation, turning things ninety degrees again, making a full circle and returning everything to its pre-season stasis.

In between those mind-fucks, re-runs will abound; Jack will become increasingly unlikable; and Kate will remain extremely pretty, but narratively unnecessary.

Gilmore Girls – Just a sample from the astonishing season premiere:

LORELAI She's my daughter.

[Luke slaps Lorelai]

LUKE
I said I want the truth!

LORELAI
She's my sister...
[slap]
She's my daughter...
[slap]
My sister, my daughter.

[More slaps]

LUKE
I said I want the truth!

LORELAI
She's my sister AND my daughter!

The Office – Pam marries Roy, Jim moves away, Michael is fired, Dwight is promoted to manager, the entire office is miserable, it’s just like where you work, days pass into months, months into years, you never write that novel, we all die alone, and no Virginia there isn’t any Santa Claus. In hi-def, where available.

Grey's Anatomy - It will be revealed that Dr. Meredith Grey's Zellwegerian squint is due to her being developmentally disabled, which explains why she runs around screwing up other people's lives, and why her voice-over narration bears no resemblance to actual lessons one might learn from experiencing the events on her show.

Veronica Mars – In a shocking twist, the fact that Veronica Mars is now on the CW with Gilmore Girls will result in countless crossovers… in the form of sexually explicit Internet fan fiction.

I hope that these tidbits will keep you salivating until your favorite show premieres! I know that I plan to lock the door, order in take-out, create a cocoon from blankets and my own hair clippings, and stay glued to the tube ‘til spring!

Happy watching!

Plugging Friends: The Return

Again, I had no part in the making of this video, but it stars two of my old Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You cohorts (hint: the two who aren't animated paperclips). It was created for Sara's new show, Video Gaga, so if you like this, you should go check it out. Enjoy.

The First Captains in Space Fan Art

Wow-- some enterprising Livejournal user has created a series of icons immortalizing some Captains in Space quotes. Check them out here (scroll down; they start at #61). Even better, numbers 62, 64, and 65 are from the episode I wrote.

Also, if you're wondering where Captains in Space has been, the answer is that, like many shows, we've been in reruns over the summer. However, Captain Fed is working on editing the first episode of Season Two as we speak (well, not as we speak. Right now he's sitting in his office at work. But you know what I mean).

The next episode will be the most technically complex one yet, and aside from being written by me, it also features me in a guest-starring role. Why am I so self-centered? I dunno, but if it bothers you, you're probably on the wrong website.

Me, me, me!

In Which I Introduce You to My Excellent Squad of American Footballers

I was never much of a sports fan growing up. Or after growing up. Or at this precise moment. Perhaps it's because of all the jocks who beat me when I was growing up... or are beating me at this moment. It's difficult to say.

Still, I've recently fskldjfasjdvlkamsdv;akl...

Sorry about that. It's hard to type with all these jocks beating me up. What I meant to say was this: I've recently found my entree into the sports world, through fantasy football, which is the world's fastest growing hobby among young men, according to statistics collected by the part of my brain that makes stuff up. "Why not jump aboard that train?" I thought. "Fantasy football-- that sounds like fun."

So, vast Internets, allow me to introduce my fantasy football league:

The Brooklyn Good-At-Footballs

Coach: Dan McCoy

Quarterback:

Zondar the Maleficent, riding Butterfly, his unicorn. Whatever fantasy football team the Good-At-Footballs take on, they are sure to cower at the sight of this Galmorian Berserker, fully equipped with a trebuchet, which he uses to launch the football (or "stitched boarskin orb") as much as two miles. Butterfly may look girlish, but you should see him impale the opposing quarterback's skull on his mighty horn. Plus, his eyes shoot rainbows!

Running Backs:

Made up entirely of the Cheetah Men of the vast and dusty Fastlands, who run at speeds beyond human comprehension.



Kaftar will incapacitate you with his poisonous whiskers, while taunting you with his contemptuous battle cry of "Meow."

Wide Receivers:

A team of oafish giants, bred by a Slovarian slave trader to be the widest and receivingest creatures in the land!

Tight Ends:

A group of buxom cheerleaders who spend the entire season soaping one another in the locker room. Wait-- that's my football fantasy, not fantasy football. Um, ignore that... for now.

Defensive Backs:

A family of cloned Triceratops, genetically modified for increased weight, increased armor strength, and increased knowledge of football.

Linebackers:

Viking warriors, each equipped with Gondovian Battle Axes, which are noted for their capacity to cut through helmets and knee pads.

Kicker:

Strongthar of The Powerful Leg-Foot-Toe-Area, who, in addition to being the strongest and most accurate kicker of things in all the land, happens to be a powerful wizard, familiar with "The Spell of Always Winning Football Games," which makes the rest of the team kind of unnecessary.

I'll match my fantasy football team against yours any day, fellow men! So heed my call, possessors of Y chromosomes. Any takers, or are you too girl-like?

MANLY!

Primetime Kalan, August 26 - A Memo From Elliott

Hey Kalan Fans,

This is an early advance warning bulletin notifying you of an all-new PRIMETIME KALAN episode saturday, August 26th at 8:30pm.

We took July off, but we're back with a full 50 minutes to an hour (depending on how prolix Elliott is that night) of all-new entertainment and comedy. WITNESS the world's first household appliance love triangle! SEE the comedy of Walker & Cantrell! ALSO SEE the comedy of sketch duo Frowned Upon! ENJOY a surprise appearance by your favorite TV detectives! BE HORRIFIED by stories of Beatles-related trauma!

And PREPARE YOURSELF for the unveiling of The Primetime Kalan Primetime Time Capsule: A Primetime Kalan Primetime Event!

Can you afford to miss this show? Not at five dollars you can't!

THE PRIMETIME KALAN - Saturday, Aug. 26th, 8:30pm
@
Jimmy's 43
43 East 7th Street
(between 2nd and 3rd Ave.)
Tix: Only $5!!

Plugging Friends

I had nothing to do with this short, but it was done by my friend Erik, so you should take a look. It parodies the Zuiikin English "Spare Me My Life" Japanese language video.

In Which I Make an Inquiry Regarding Current "Popular" Culture

What's all this I keep hearing about Snorks on a plane?

In Which I Discourse On a Number of Subtle Distinctions, Which are Important to Note

Pod Kast - A podcast focusing on issues important to the band OutKast.

Out Cast - A podcast focusing on issues important to the gay community.

--

Swingline - A kind of stapler.

Swing Line - A boat cruise catering exclusively to wife-swappers.

--

Morning Dew - Something that often comes from a male teenager's genitals.

Mountain Dew - Urine.

--

The Pulitzer Prize - The highest honor in journalism.

The Pull It, Sir! Prize - The highest honor in masturbation.

--

Okay, this post has just devolved into a series of dirty jokes. I apologize to you all, but mostly to my parents. You put me through college for this?

In Which I Throw My Political Weight Around

As you know, the major news outlets have been dogging me for my endorsements regarding November's elections. Clearly, my political influence cannot be undervalued (forget Tippecanoe and Tyler too, I made William Henry Harrison). Still, I resisted being pushed into making a decision before I was ready-- wielding such credibility with the public and the political elite is truly an awesome responsibility.

Thus, it was only after much consideration that I am now ready to reveal who I will be backing in the following races. Associated Press take note!

First, the local match-ups:

Governor:

George Pataki vs. A Small Pebble Wedged in My Shoe

PICK: Small Pebble Wedged in My Shoe - Sure, it's an annoyance, at least until I have an opportunity to bend down and remove it, but it seems to care more about New York City. Pebble, you've been backed!

Mayor:

Hon. Edward McCheese vs. Big Bird

PICK: Big Bird. Despite his previous mayoral experience, I doubt that a Kroftian, anthropomorphic cheeseburger has what it takes to manage the largest metropolitan area in the U.S. On the other hand, Big Bird is a lifelong NYC native (no carpetbagger here!) who has managed to keep the peace on Sesame Street, despite the impending human gentrification of his historically Muppet neighborhood.

District Alderman:

Caldecott Alder Mann vs. James K. Badchoiceforalderman

PICK: Alder Mann - Not sure why; I just have a gut feeling on this one. Also, what kind of crazy long surname is his challenger sporting? Just try and fit that on a ballot!

Next up, the Senate:

Florida:

Bud Light vs. Bud Dry

PICK: Bud Light - After the political fiasco that was Bud Bowl XVIII, I thought the incumbent's hopes were dashed forever, but this appears to be the rivalry that won't quit. I'm throwing my support behind B. Light, because its fewer calories mean less alcoholic content, and who wants a drunk in charge of school lunches?

New Jersey:

A Horsefly vs. Inflatable Water Wings

PICK: Water Wings. I've been stung by Horseflies before!*

*this joke courtesy of Victoria Tucker, age 8, Gary, IN.

Rhode Island:

OK! Soda vs. Two Aggies and a Steelie

PICK: Two Aggies and a Steelie - I'm not sure what makes a little-known, hipster-marketing-driven orange-cola from the '90s think its profile is high enough to win such a high elected office, but I do know that it's nowhere near as valuable as a good steelie, especially if you're playing for keepsies.

Pennsylvania:

Five Years of Unrelenting Physical and Psychological Torture vs. Sixty Pages of Fully Nude Photos of Scarlett Johansson in Various Positions, or, if You Are a Woman or Gay Man, Hugh Jackman

PICK: Nude Photos - Some races are so overmatched, one wonders why they bother. I mean, Nude Photos is the incumbent, and Unrelenting Physical and Psychological Torture is running as a Green. Hello!?

Nebraska:

North Dakota vs. South Dakota

PICK: South Dakota - I'm not sure how other states are able to run in Congressional races for a third state, but when you're picking between these two, always pick the warmer one, that's my motto!

Well, anyway, those are my picks, and I think they're pretty...

What?

What's that you say?

You say that the document I was using as a reference to make my choices wasn't a list of political candidates at all, but simply a list of entirely random words and phrases created by a random word and phrase generator that you invented for some reason?

Well, in that case, why were they grouped in twos with the abbreviation "vs." between each one of them?

You're trying to tell me that "vs." just happened to be randomly generated multiple times? That seems highly unlikely-- out of the millions of words in the English language, for "vs." to appear eight times seems disproportionate to the point of near-impossibility...

Well, yes, I suppose that if you invented a random word and phrase generator, you are more of an expert in probability than I am. I'm sorry to have doubted you. It's just irritating to have made all these crazy endorsement choices.

Oh well, can't change them now. Too weak. Too flip-floppy. Stay the course, etc. America, you have your work cut out for you:

(1.) Get these fictional characters/ inanimate objects on the ballot in your state or district.

(2.) Elect the appropriate one.

(3.) Recieve my heartfelt thanks.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have thousands of signatures to forge.

New Primetime Kalan, Coming August 26

Hey, friends. Like I've said before, comedy slows down a bit in the summer, preferring to lie low, rather than risk a melanoma on its fair-skinned underbelly. However, things are starting to pick up again, starting with The Primetime Kalan.

Following our sell-out June show (the first in our new venue), The Primetime Kalan took a short summer break in July; but we're back in full force on August 26! Put it on your calendar now, forgetful ones! I'll probably only mention it three other times before then!

The Primetime Kalan August 26 at 8:30 PM @ Jimmy's No. 43 Located downstairs at 43 East 7th Street between 2nd and 3rd Avenue. By Subway: Take the 6 to Astor Place/ Take the R/W to 8th Street/ Take the F train to 2nd Avenue.
The cost is $5 - No drink minimum!

Our guests will be the lovely, funny Walker and Cantrell. Take a moment to visit their website, and watch their great short video, "Surviving Geddes." Or read one of the prose pieces housed there. I'm a particular fan of "So You've Knocked Over a Row of a Motorcycle Gang's Motorcyles."


















Walker and Cantrell explore the exotic world of aluminum siding.

Plus, a special appearance by the funny, lovely "Frowned Upon" (AKA Devon T. Coleman and D'Arcy Erokan).















Devon points to D'Arcy, to indicate that she is, indeed, squatting atop a pedestal.

As always, the show will also feature Elliott's patented hostly stylings, a video from Brock Mahan, and writing/ performing assistance from Erik Marcisak and myself.

The Primetime Kalan will return yet again on September the 24th. Isn't it torture to wait a whole month between these things? Better make sure to go to every show, so you can load up on Primetime Kalan goodness while you can.

Also, some friends and I have something special cooking for Halloween. So stay tuned.

Please Vote for My Friend Liz

...who is a great person, who looks great in underwear.







"Vote for me! I'm the classy one!"

Now back to the regularly scheduled lack of posting.

Mondays Are Made for Minor Victories

I'm one of last week's finalists in Daniel Radosh's weekly New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest. Huzzah!

An Orgy of Self-Reflexive Posting

The folks over at the comic book blog Kung Fu Rodeo posted our Primetime Kalan Superman videos, one per day, over this past weekend. Thanks, comics fans, for overlooking our lousy production values in order to enjoy a few spandex-clad laughs.

Also, The Apiary picked up my hate piece about Shouts and Murmurs. Unlike everyone else on the Internet, I usually try not to badmouth anyone, but I made an (apparently newsworthy) exception. My only fear is that Libby Gelman-Waxler will put a hit out on me. Sorry, Mr. Rudnick. You did write one thing I sort of enjoyed, once.

Water Recycling

In honor of this weekend's release of M. Night Shymalan's Lady in the Water, I direct you to my previously-mentioned humor piece, M. Night Shymalan's Modern Library.

Thank you, M. Night, for making us laugh at falling in love... again.




















Paul Giamatti and Bryce Dallas Howard hide from water-allergic aliens.

Shouts and Vitriol

Tthis piece in the most recent New Yorker, American Idol World Court, by Paul Rudnick, is so unfunny that it provoked nothing but rage-- much more so than I will ever feel after reading any Seymore Hersh reportage detailing the failings of the Bush Administration. (And thank you Mr. Rudnick for pointing out how shallow I am.)

Why do I hate it so?

1. It's so incredibly original! No one has EVER thought to compare American Idol and national/ world politics!* What a fresh take! Surely no-one would ever think to compare an incredibly popular, incredibly fluffy, television program--one with elements that include voting and judges--to government and related issues! Get this-- they're passing judgement, but on serious things.

Here's a tip: when a Mandy Moore movie has done it already, your premise may have lost some of its satiric edge.

2. Wow, you're right! Randy Jackson sure does say "dawg" a lot. And Paula is spacy! And Simon is a jerk! It's like you've GOTTEN INSIDE THEIR HEADS!

3. Mr. Rudnick has made the bold decision to wait a full four seasons to drop this jewel on us. Also, he's decided to run it while the show is between seasons, and thus foremost in everyone's mind.

4. He probably got paid a couple of grand for shitting out this piece... although that can't compare to the hundreds of thousands he likely made for writing such hilarious films as Isn't She Great, Marci X, and The Stepford Wives, whereas...

5. Shouts and Murmurs has rejected all the pieces I've sent to them. And I have no money.

Yeah... my grapes are probably a bit sour.

But read the following rejected piece, and tell me that it's not eight times as funny as anything they've printed in the last year:

--

Frankenfranken

By Dan McCoy

The following is a transcript of the now infamous "Frankenfranken" program that aired at 2 am on July 17, 2005. It was the last episode of the program ever to be produced.

ANNOUNCER
Coming up next, we have The Frankenfranken Show, which will carry you on through 'til morning. This is Air America. The time is 2:05 AM.

Theme: Feed My Frankenstein by Alice Cooper. Fade out.

FRANKENFRANKEN
Grrrr…. Hello. Welcome to Frankenfranken show. Me host, Frankenfranken, telling you Republicans are dead wrong, and me should know what I talk about. Ha ha. BECAUSE FRANKENFRANKEN DEAD! GET IT? GRRRRR! LAUGH, STUPID LISTENERS!

Sound of a cattle prod.

FRANKENFRANKEN
GRAHHH! (incoherent mumbling) Frankenfranken is sorry he said that. Frankenfranken knows he should not insult own audience. Let's take call.

CALLER #1
…

FRANKENFRANKEN
Caller?

CALLER #1
He—Hello?

FRANKENFRANKEN
Yes?

CALLER #1
Is this the Al Franken Show?

FRANKENFRANKEN
NO! NEXT CALLER!

CALLER #2
Hi. Mr. Franken, don't you think that naming your book "Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot" helped lower the level of political discourse in this country?

FRANKENFRANKEN
AAAAARRRRRRGGHHHH!!!

Sound of phone being crushed.

FRANKENFRANKEN
How many times does Frankenfranken have to explain to you people? Frankenfranken and Al Franken not the same. Frankenfranken created by Air America in effort to plug gigantic hole in least-popular overnight time slot. Me stitched together from parts of six dead Al Franken clones and one box Frankenberry™ brand cereal, then reanimated using power of lighting bolt that strike Air America broadcasting tower! IS VERY SIMPLE!

Long pause.

FRANKENFRANKEN
So to answer question: Frankenfranken not write Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot. Frankenfranken write much less popular book "If Rush Limbaugh Reanimated Corpse, He Still Be Dumb." Besides, me believe Al Franken book title meant as parody of Limbaugh own rhetorical attacks.

Sound of newspaper clumsily being opened.

FRANKENFRANKEN
So, while they bring new phone, let's talk. What in paper… George Bush say global warming need more study. George Bush say no stem cell research. George Bush say war in Iraq front line in war on terror. George Bush, George Bush, GEORGE BUSH! URGH! BUSH MAKE ME SO MAD! ANY CALLER BUSH MAKE MAD TOO, CALL IN! TALK TO FRANKENFRANKEN! CALL!

CALLER #3
Is this Frankenfranken?

FRANKENFRANKEN
YES!... Yes, is Frankenfranken. You hate Bush?

CALLER #3
Sure, sure… I'm a lifelong democrat, but that's not why I called. Did you say that you were stitched together from six dead clones of Al Franken and one box of Frankenberry cereal?

FRANKENFRANKEN
(Sigh) Yes, Frankenfranken say that.

CALLER #3
Why did they add the box of Frankenberry cereal?

FRANKENFRANKEN
You not think Frankenfranken ask self same question? Frankenfranken wonders every day! Is all Frankenfranken can do to keep from clawing at self to get at the delicious strawberry-flavored cereal that lies beneath! FRANKENFRANKEN NOT ASK TO BE CREATED! FRANKENFRANKEN JUST AS AIR AMERICA MAKE ME!

Sound of a cattle prod. Incoherent muttering.

CALLER #3
Well, also—you're stitched together from six dead Al Franken clones? Why murder six clones, pull them apart, put them back together, and reanimate them? It seems like a lot of trouble. If you have the technology to make a Franken clone, then why not just give the clone a show?

FRANKENFRANKEN
Because Air America mad with power! Air America discover secret of reanimating dead tissue, and decide to play God! Frankenfranken made up of six dead clones because Air America take the most liberal body part from each Al Franken, to create unholy super-liberal!

CALLER #3
Okay, now that just doesn't make sense. If these were all clones, surely the liberalism would be distributed exactly the same in…

Sound of Frankenfranken hanging up.

FRANKENFRANKEN
CALLERS! STOP MAKING FRANKENFRANKEN QUESTION MEANING OF OWN EXISTENCE! IT ENRAGES FRANKENFRANKEN! Of course Frankenfranken's life raises all kinds of questions! Frankenfranken is deeply conflicted about own existence! For example: as super-liberal, Frankenfranken appreciate cloning technology in relation to stem cells as possible medical boon. On other hand, as reanimated clone, Frankenfranken feels self to be abomination before God!

Incoherent chatter from engineer's booth. Sound of torch being lit.

FRANKENFRANKEN
Also, Frankenfranken wonder about own free will! Is Frankenfranken a liberal because me so chose? Or is Frankenfranken liberal because me stitched together from parts of liberal?! And is sound of torch being lit really sound that can be recognized over radio, then later transcribed for transcript purposes?!

Sound of scuffle, things being knocked over.

FRANKENFRANKEN
URRRRH! FIRE! FIRE BAD! NOOOOOOO!

Sound of burning studio collapsing. Static. Silence.

ANNOUNCER
Next, on Air America: Zombie Adlai Stevenson.

--

So, call me, The New Yorker. I may insult you, but I only do it out of love. Love, and the desire for you to send me large checks, and not to a guy who made a movie where Lisa Kudrow runs a rap label.

Seriously, fuck Paul Rudnick.

*to quote The Simpsons, "In case you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic."

A Video Done By & For Some Friends

I had no part in making the following video, but it was put together by two of my fellow Kalan writers, Brock and Erik, for Sara Schaefer's new show. So I thought you fine people might be interested. It shows two of Weird Al's new songs, and one lost "classic."

Kalan Summer Update

After the sold-out success of the premiere of The Primetime Kalan at Jimmy's No. 43, we're taking the month of July off. (Nothing keeps the momentum going like taking a vacation right after the premiere! Soon we'll be as popular as LOST!)

However, fear not, Kalantites! Our inimitable brand of absurdist talk/ variety show will return in August and September-- Saturday August the 26th and Saturday August the 23rd, both at 8:30, to be exact. $5, no cover, as always. We've got some hilarious things planned involving stuffed animals and trench coats.

So mark your calendars for fun, if you're the sort of anal person who marks their calendars with comedy shows a month in advance. I hope you are!













Elliott has a Doogie Howser moment.

Blurbed!

In an unprompted response to one of my previous posts, Elliott Kalan, of the smash hit "The Primetime Kalan" has provided me with the following blurb...

"Dan McCoy is a grown man with the mischievous enthusiasm of a small boy who has somehow talked his way into a teaching position at Harvard University."

Thanks, Elliott! Only a man with your "devestating, Byronic good looks"* could be so singularly perceptive!

*Source: email from E. Kalan to D. McCoy, July 12, 2006.

Show Photos

Here's a picture from the Very British 4th of July show, which Eric Zuckerman and I hosted in the guise of Bob Hoskins and Michael Caine. I'm the hatless one who looks nothing like Caine.



Thanks to my lovely wife for the photo. Larger version available here.

Update: I'm adding the following picture of Eric and me drinking. Previously you had to follow us around until we went to a bar and wait a couple seconds to get this kind of sweet, sweet action. Thanks, Internet!



And lastly, here's one of Matt Koff, from the Summer Funtime Special, to disturb and alarm you.

Site Milestone

Well, the odometer rolled over past 10,000 visitors today (although most of those hits were probably from either librarians or me). It's a tiny mark of success, I suppose, with the emphasis on tiny-- which in many ways is fine.

The other day I was pondering about how most successful comedians have a persona, and about how I don't have one, which, in turn, is probably why I don't usually think of myself as a comedian as much as a comedy writer (although I perform fairly often). I've settled into my role as the guy in the background, the staff writer (whether it be for the now defunct Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, or the currently running Primetime Kalan), or the guy who does some guest writing or performing in his friends' shows.

Most of the time this is cool with me. My career goal is to be a TV or screenwriter, not a comedy star, so I'm kind of training for that, with all my current stuff.

Still, just because I'm the support guy, doesn't mean I'm not an egomaniac (I did chose show business-- such as it is-- after all). Sometimes I feel like being in the background causes people to underrate what I'm capable of. Plus, I originally came to NYC to be an actor. I know my way around the stage. I could do more performing, or write stuff for myself to perform, and I'd be good at it.

And yet... I don't know that I have something specific that I, as myself, need to present to the world. No individual comic persona. So I don't end up doing my own thing very often.

Sorry that this hasn't been either (1.) a plug, my stated reason for maintaining this site, or (2.) funny, what I'm theoretically attempting the rest of the time. It's just something that occured to me recently, when I was thinking about blurbs.

Blurbs? Where the hell did that come from? Well, here's what I mean. If I was writing a quote about my former fake boss, Sara Schaefer, I might say something like:

"Her endearingly awkward presence belies a surprisingly sharp wit. A master of daffy self-effacement!"

Not great prose, but you get the picture. Or my current "boss," Elliott Kalan:

"A geek's geek, Kalan spins comic gold from supposedly cult subjects, his likable delivery making them accessible to his whole audience."

Whereas my blurb would be:

"His endearingly self-effacing exterior fails to belie an apologetic interior. His dry delivery makes slightly amusing a series of increasingly baffling references. Pleasantly regressive."

My friend Rob Bates co-wrote an entire sketch show for Rick Murphy, inspired by what he saw as Rick's comic persona. The title? "Rick Murphy is an Asshole."

Here are some suggested titles for my show:

"Dan McCoy May Come Off as Somewhat Cold if You Don't Know Him That Well, But Actually He's Just Sort of Shy."

"Dan McCoy is Politely Nodding After Everything You Say."

"Dan McCoy is Expressing Increasingly-Less-Dignified Befuddlement as the Straight Man in this Sketch."

"Dan McCoy Doesn't Mind a Laugh at His Own Expense, Provided He Helped Script It or is Otherwise Involved."

"Dan McCoy is Vaguely Dissatisfied With Life and Reacts With Mildly Cutting Remarks."

"Dan McCoy, Like Most People in Comedy, Probably Secretly Thinks He's Funnier Than You, but He Also Respects What You've Done, and Suspects He May Be Wrong About The Funnier Than You Thing."

"Dan McCoy Makes an Appropriate Pop Culture Reference, but Not Too Frequently, Because That Would Be Pandering and Lazy."

"Dan McCoy Loves To Dance, If You Get a Few Drinks In Him."

Etc.

Reviewed

This website reviewed the show I was in on Wednesday. You can read the whole thing*, but I'll skip you to the pertinent paragraph:

"Spot on, also, were Eric Zuckerman as Bob Hoskins and Dan McCoy as Michael Caine, performing patter in character to wrap around all the sketches from beginning to end. McCoy didn’t try to look much like him, but had Caine’s voice perfectly."

True enough, although to make me look like Caine, I'd have to wear a curly blond wig, which would probably just confuse audience members who would wonder why Harpo Marx** was talking like the old guy from Batman Begins.

Anyway, thanks to the reviewer for the kind words-- with this endorsement I can finally enter the lucrative field of voice-only celebrity impersonation. For only $10, I will call any friend or family member you choose, pretending to be the star of Irwin Allen's The Swarm. What a deal!

*A note, if you do read the rest of the review-- the show was actually called "A Very British Fourth of July" and "The Summer Funtime Special" was actually the name of one of the groups that performed. I think this got a little (understandably) muddled.

**Yes, I know that Harpo's wig was originally light pink, and later red, but it tended to read as blond onscreen. Thus, I made this joke, because it's doubtful that anyone reading is as big a Marx Brothers nerd as me. Then again, this is the Internet.

5th of July Spectacular, Tonight

Hot off the promo presses...

Join hosts Michael Caine and Bob Hoskins (really Dan McCoy and Eric Zuckerman) for an evening of sketch comedy and 4th of July related festivities. This may be your only chance to celebrate America's Independence with a pair of award-winning British actors. And isn't that the way George Washington would have wanted it?

With sketch comedy by The Summer Funtime Special, Freedumb and a special sneak preview of Uncle Sam's Satiric Spectacular.

A Very British 4th of July
presented by Manhattan Comedy Collective
Hosted by Michael Caine & Bob Hoskins
with sketch comedy by Freedumb, Uncle Sam's Satiric Spectacular, and The Summer Funtime Special
Wednesday, July 5th at 8:00pm
at Jimmy's No 43
43 E 7th St. (downstairs)
between 2nd/3rd Ave.
6 to Astor Place;R/W to 8th St., F/V to 2nd Avenue
$7.00 - No Drink Minimum
Advance Tickets available

Movie Avalanche

Boy are you guys lucky today, because I have a Friday treat for you. All of the Superman movies that we shot for the June 24 episode of The Primetime Kalan are now up on YouTube, so you can finally judge who makes better Superman films-- us or Bryan Singer.

First up is the short written by me and starring me as Superman, with Elliot Kalan as "The Professor."



Here's the one Elliott wrote. It's got a funny script, but a word of warning: it was shot at the end of the day, when we'd stopped caring about things like... oh... "camerawork" and "lighting." So half of the shots are significantly darker than other shots, even though supposedly all the action is taking place in the same room at the same time. Please pretend that this is an intentional stylistic choice, and not evidence of certain Edward D. Wood Jr. tendencies on our part. Elliot plays Superman in this one. Oh, and look for me in the key role of "Baliff."



Here's one of the slickest-looking videos of the bunch, it's "The Battle of the Supermen" written by Erik Marcisak, who also stars as the Russian Superman. It also features Elliot's inimitable old-timey voiceover skills, as featured on The Daily Show's "The Decider" adventures.



And lastly (and probably the best-put-together of them all) here's the one written by Brock Mahan, "Superman Vs. Man and Superman." Brock stars as Superman, Elliot is George Bernard Shaw, and look for Devon T. Coleman in his one appearance as "Chauncy." Plus, I put in perhaps my finest performance, as Oscar Wilde. To research for this role, I got myself arrested for sodomy. The rest of the Kalan crew said that it really wasn't necessary, but I insisted.

Realism above all.



Well, that's the last of the Kalan videos, but here's a bonus. I discovered that another short, written by Erik and Joe Guercio (an old Kalanite, all around tech wizard, and good friend), is up on YouTube-- Frank Miller's Vatican City. I had nothing to do with the production of this one; I just think it's worth a look.



UPDATE: It has come to my attention that Elliott's Metro column this week is also all about Superman. Geez, Elliott, enough already!

Caine and Hoskins, Together Again, July 5

Because our Michael Caine and Bob Hoskins schtick so took the world (well, that portion of it that was in our audience) by storm back in January, my colleague Eric "Doomsday Guy" Zuckerman and I will be hosting yet another variety show in the guise of the world's favorite famous Cockneys. So come celebrate American independence, one day late, by spending the night with two Brits. It's:

A Very British 4th of July
presented by Manhattan Comedy Collective
Hosted by Michael Caine & Bob Hoskins
with sketch comedy by Freedumb, Uncle Sam's Satiric Spectacular, and The Summer Funtime Special
Wednesday, July 5th at 8:00pm
at Jimmy's No 43
43 E 7th St. (downstairs)
between 2nd/3rd Ave.
6 to Astor Place;R/W to 8th St., F/V to 2nd Avenue
$7.00 - No Drink Minimum
Advance Tickets available

The Heat Makes Me Logy

So you may have noticed a slight slow-down in postings here, other than the seemingly endless shilling for the Primetime Kalan (debuting tomorrow!). There are a couple of reasons for that:

1. Comedy slows down in the summer. It seems counterintuitive, but it's far easier to get people to come see your show when they have to wade through ankle-deep slush than when it's nice outside. As much as people may enjoy comedy shows (hint: it's not that much), in the summer they prefer to spend their time burning meat outdoors over an open flame or sitting in an air-conditioned theater watching anthropomorphic cars fall in love (and then... what? Fuck? Does the male's exhaust pipe fit snugly into the female's gas-hole? Do child cars pop out the trunk? Do I regret typing gas-hole? The answer, to the final question at least, is yes).

2. I'm not involved in so many ongoing shows. Many of the shows I used to do (like Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You) have gone to their eternal rest. The stuff I'm doing now is either monthly, like the Primetime Kalan, or it's got a longer lead time, for production reasons, like Captains in Space. Other than that, I've just been doing guest stuff for friends who have been nice enough to ask-- like Andres' Giant Tuesday Night (which is on Summer break) or Sara's Video Gaga. (Speaking of which, Sara put her great music video ode to PowerPoint online. Go check it out.)

3. I'm intentionally taking it a little slower, because I'm working on writing a screenplay. It's my goal to have it done by the end of the year. Unfortunately, I had a significant setback recently-- I had gotten as far as having my synopsis and characters worked out, when I saw a trailer for this movie, due out in August. Grrr. My nascent screenplay had nearly the same premise... or at least close enough that anyone who read it would immediately think of this film. So it's back to square one. Oh well. As my friend Matt said, it's my own fault for naming my screenplay "Untitled Justin Long Project 2006."

Anyway, I apologize for the slow, and/ or repetitious content of late (even though, at the best of times, it's mainly just me shilling my shows). Things may pick up a bit in the fall, but in the meanwhile, take a break from pondering Cars' anatomy once in a while, and come see me live.

"I'm gonna do you tricycle-style."

* * *

UPDATE: Superfan #1, Liz, points out that the correct off-color pun would be "muffler." Kudos to you, Liz. If there was a Whither Laffs t-shirt, it would be in the mail.

New Kalan Show TOMORROW!

"Dan," you say, "You can't possibly promote the same show four times." Oh yeah? What if it's the FIRST Primetime Kalan? "Dan, that's just the same old Kalan show at a new place and time. It's not that new." Touche, I say. But Elliott's promoting it multiple times, so why can't I? Observe Elliot's words...

Hello, Kalan Fans!

You've probably seen the TV ads, bus ads, phone kiosk announcements, and blimps, but just in case you missed the blitzkrieg bombardment of publicity, I'm here to announce an all-new episode of the all-new PRIMETIME KALAN, tomorrow night, saturday, at 8:30pm!

We're at a new space, a new time, with new jokes (for once!)! It's the beginning of a glorious new era in human civilization, an era that includes the amazing wildlife of Animalologist Richard Blomquist ("The Daily Show"), the astounding magic of Patrick Terry, and if that isn't enough for you, perhaps I should mention it's our Superman show? Yes, we've hitched our wagon to the most anticipated movie of the summer without its knowledge, and we've got tons of never-before-seen exclusive "Superman" footage that we made ourselves!

Can you afford to miss all this? The answer, of course, is no.

THE PRIMETIME KALAN - Saturday, June 24th, 8:30pm

@

Jimmy 43

43 East 7th Street

(between 2nd and 3rd ave.)

Tix: $5

Endorsed!

I know that you're all out there thinking "Jiminy Christmas, it's a hot summer! I could sure go for a tall, cool Captains in Space right about now!"

Well, aside from being alarmed at your out-of-date slang terms (what are you, a 1930's newspaper boy?) I certainly appreciate your interest. Sadly, it's been a busy few weeks in the spacious and gleaming Captains in Space offices, located on the top floor of Manhattan's historic Chrysler Building. So it may be just a little while longer before episode four (complete with ROBO-DAN) hits the streets.

In the meanwhile, what better to slake your thirst for all things Captains than an endorsement? Emmy-winning former "Lost" scribe, and current "Medium" co-executive producer Javier Grillo-Marxuach has posted a kind little appreciation of our series over at his blog (there's no permalink, but check out the June 19 entry). Plus, a well-placed source has indicated to me that he was a particular fan of my last episode, Future Shock.

Thank you Javier for your nice words and your generous linkage. Kids, why can't the rest of you be more like Javi? Now tuck in your shirts.

Happy Birthday to ME

It's my birthday!

I was going to write a long post, pondering all the lessons I've learned over the past year. It was going to be rueful and clear-eyed and funny. But then I realized that pretending that my living another year meant that I've learned anything would just be a big lie. Also, I'm lazy by nature, so there's no better way for me to celebrate the day of my birth by honoring my flaws and not writing anything of value in this space whatsoever.

Eat my birthday, suckers!

Warmly,
Dan

The Primetime Kalan Debuts June 24!

As the title says, The Primetime Kalan is ready to take off. I'll let the man himself (Elliott Kalan) do the shilling:

Hello, Kalan fans!

As you may know, the Midnight Kalan is long gone, and the New Kalan Show has died anew. But wait! Is there yet another way that Elliott can egotistically name a show after himself? YES! THERE IS!

But what should it be called? Well, it's at a new, prime time, 8:30 pm, and a new prime night, saturday, June 24th....I don't know. Waitaminute! My favorite cut of beef is prime rib! Let's call it THE PRIMETIME KALAN!

And let's celebrate this new christening with an extravaganza so big how can we fit it into the new back-room-of-a-restaurant performance space we're moving to? Hell if I know! But we're going to have to find room for the comedy of Rich Blomquist (The Daily Show), the magic of Patrick Terry (Magician!), and a crapload of Superman-related jokes and videos! And did we mention you can now come see us without being tired at work the next day?

THE PRIMETIME KALAN - Saturday, June 24th, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy's 43 43 East 7th street (between 2nd and 3rd Ave) Manhattan
Tix: $5 (a pittance!)

We hope to see you there.

Gentle Reminder: Video Gaga TONIGHT!

Remember, tonight I will be appearing in a featured role in one of the videos in Sara Schaefer's Video Gaga.

VIDEO GAGA
Wednesday June 14, 9:30 p.m.
Tickets $5 (reserve at www.ucbtheatre.com)
Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre
307 W. 26th Street, btw 8th & 9th

Also, while you're clicking on things, go over and check out Andres du Bouchet's inspiringly re-designed site, and be impressed at what a website can look like when it's just a blogger template. Special thanks to Andres for linking to me and to Captains in Space.

Also, in non-comedy news, I saw a free concert featuring the Eels (w/ Smoosh) last night, and they were awesome. Aside from the lack of charge, the best thing about the concert was that there was no dicking around-- they started on time, Smoosh played for 20 minutes, there was a 10-15 minute changeover, then the Eels played for an hour and a half. That's the way to do it. Highlights included their "Security Guard" who played maracas, guitar, and organ on a few numbers, in addition to performing elaborate kung fu moves and making cryptic interstitial pronouncements. And they closed with an improbably rockin' cover of Frank Sinatra's "That's Life."

Okay, this turned into a regular "recording the mundane details of my life" blog for a moment there, and I apologize-- but really, if you have a chance to see The Eels, know that they put on an amazing show.

UPDATE:
Tonight's Video Gaga is a Gothamist pick. What more do you want?

Adventures in Tapingsitting: Video Gaga and The Primetime Kalan

So, people often ask me, "What is the glamorous life of a sort-of-kinda-member of the New York comedy world like?" And when confronted with such a wayward, possibly fictional, questioner, I feel the need to set them straight on a few points. My life isn't always a whirlwind of poorly-attended performances in basement theaters, or exciting rejection letters. No, sometimes it's also a long weekend of low-budget video shoots.

Yes, in my never-ending quest to make my weekends more like my weekdays, I spent 12 hours this past weekend shooting some pre-taped bits for two upcoming shows. On Saturday I was out in Bay Ridge taping three segments for the first "Primetime Kalan," and on Sunday I was in various locations around Park Slope helping on a segment for "Video Gaga."

Let's focus on Video Gaga first, since it's the first show on the calendar. It's hosted by Sara Schaefer, whom you may remember from the hit fake talk show Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, for which I used to write (although you'd never guess I'm a writer after reading that convoluted last sentence. Geez). So this will be a minor reunion of sorts.

Her new show is at The Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater, the 800-pound gorilla of NYC underground comedy. What is it about? In the words of VG's official description, "Sara Schaefer counts down funny music videos for you! With a live musical act, sketches, special guests, glittery dance numbers, and moxie to boot."

And from Sara's site, additional information specific to this installment: "Musical guest: Erin McKeown. Ahem. AMAZING. Featuring music videos by Adira Amram, The Fresh, Dave Thunder, and two from the Video Gaga camp! Did I mention that three of these will be world premieres? Oh boy oh boy oh boy! And more! Meet the Gaga Girls. Bask in the warmth of the glowing Video Gaga sign. And yes, there will be another fun surprise at the beginning (and end) of the show."

Where do I come in? Well, I have a featured role in one of the music videos. I can't say much about the specifics, but I can say this-- it involves 80 hot dogs.

Video Gaga is this Wednesday the 14th, at 9:30 PM, and costs $5 (reserve tickets at Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre or buy at the door) 307 W. 26th Street, btw 8th & 9th. Closest subway stop is the C or E at 23rd (the 1,9 23rd St. stop is pretty close too).

As for the Primetime Kalan, it's the latest incarnation of Elliott Kalan(of the sketch group The Hypocrites, and an Associate Producer on The Daily Show)'s talk show/ variety program, which started out at midnight under the name The Midnight Kalan, moved to 10 PM and changed its title to The New Kalan Show, and is now moving once again, to an even earlier slot. We expect The Breakfast Kalan to debut sometime in January.

Meanwhile, though, the next show will be our first at our new location, Jimmy's No. 43, a bar not far from the old place. Finally, the show will start on time, there will be beer on tap, and you'll be able to go to the restroom without walking across the stage. What's more, we think you'll find our new time slot (Saturday at 8:30) more amenable than our old (Thursday at 10).

We'll be kicking off the new run with a theme show devoted to Superman, in honor of the Man of Steel's unexpected return to Metropolis. While Bryan Singer's all well and good, the rest of the Kalan gang and I shot a few of our own scripts, documenting some of his lesser-known adventures, and we'll be sprinkling them throughout the next show.

The Primetime Kalan is June 24 at 8:30 PM at Jimmy's No. 43, located downstairs at 43 East 7th Street between 2nd and 3rd Avenue. By Subway: Take the 6 to Astor Place/ Take the R/W to 8th Street/ Take the F train to 2nd Avenue. The cost is $5.

So I hope that answers your nonexistant questions about my lifestyle, but more importantly, I hope you come to a show.

Oh, and I want to give a non-comedy-world shout-out to my good friend, the ever-lovely Fuse#8, who was on NPR's Weekend Edition this Sunday discussing summer reading, and, more specifically, children's literature. Give it a listen, won't you?

Prose Piece Pleasantry

Check out this piece I wrote, M. Night Shyamalan's Modern Library, over at the webzine Ducts.org.

Captains in Space Episode Four, "Future Shock," Online Now

The fourth episode of Captains in Space is online, and I couldn't be more excited. Why? Because it's the first one that I wrote. And I, of course, am an egomaniac.

So you should give this one a spin. Aside from the script by yours truly, it features Andrea Rosen, whom you may recognize from her reoccuring role on Comedy Central's sadly short-lived Stella. Or perhaps you know her from Michael Showalter's "The Baxter." Or maybe you'll just think, "Hey, it's that girl from the Fig Newtons commercial." Whichever camp you belong to, I think you'll enjoy her special guest performance.

The best way to view the episode is on your video iPod (assuming, of course, that you own a video iPod). I know that some folks are still a bit scared of the whole podcasting concept, but I assure you, it's insanely easy.

1. Click on this link. It will launch iTunes, and automatically begin downloading the latest episode.

2. Depending on your settings (under Preferences -> Podcasts -> Podcast Preferences) this episode will either automatically be copied to your iPod the next time you connect it to your computer, or you can manually add it to your iPod by just dragging and dropping like a regular song.

3. New episodes will automatically be downloaded when they become available, without you doing anything. If you don't want to get 'em anymore, just click on podcasts in iTune's side menu, click on the title in your playlist, and click the unsubscribe button near the bottom of the screen.

(if you don't use iTunes, there are different podcatcher feeds at the Captains in Space website)

No fuss, no muss.

If you, like me, are a stranger to the wonders of the video iPod you can download the quicktime file here, and view it on your computer.

Easy as pie.

Lastly, if computers frighten and confuse you, just watch the low-resolution version on YouTube. Just click the big ol' play button in the middle of the screen.



Too easy to even warrant an idiomatic saying.

Anyway, thanks for checking this out... and keep your eyes open for the next episode, also written by me, in which I play a robot. I spent a whole day in silver makeup just to entertain fine folks like you. Can you resist the charms... of ROBO-DAN? (coming soon)

(Oh, and if you want to sign up for the official mailing list, just drop a line to alerts@captainsinspace.com.)

BIG doings, Tonight!

I have two shows at the Gene Frankel Underground tonight:

First, at 7:15 PM - The last of our "Captains in Space LIVE!" events:

Tonight we will be debuting an ALL NEW EPISODE, before it's available online. See it on the big screen first (you may even be privledged to see an "early cut" as Fed might tweak it based on audience reaction... so you can brag to your friends about all the great scenes that were cut from the release version, like the one where Fed crawls around on the ceiling like a spider, or the extended Frankie shower scene).

More importantly (to me, at least), this is the first Captains episode to be written by me. I helped punch up some of the other episodes, but this is the first one to be drawn entirely from my original script. So, if you didn't care for the first three episodes but love this one you can draw your own conclusions. If you loved the first three episodes, but hate this one, then clearly the problem was in the direction. You hear me, Fed!?

Both Captain Fed and I will be on hand to introduce my episode, "Future Shock," as well as episode three, "Double," and to do our little song-and-dance. But never fear if you miss the hilarity-- the new episode will be available online soon.

Second, at 10:00 PM - The final New Kalan Show at the Gene Frankel Theater

To quote Elliott's promotional email:

"Next week brings with it a momentous occasion. On thursday, May 25th, our beloved, small-audienced live fake comedy talk show will be saying its farewells to its longtime home the Gene Frankel Theater. Where's it going? Why, to a DIFFERENT underground theater, and a whole new day and time! Get ready for next month's unveiling of the all-new PRIMETIME KALAN!

But before we welcome the future, let's say goodbye to the past, with the last of 'The New Kalan Show''s and our final performance at the Gene Frankel. All your favorite Kalan characters (Erik! Brock! Dan! Devon! Elliott!) will be there! Special guest comedienne SARA SCHAEFER will be there! Shouldn't YOU be there, too?!

Plus more jokes, sketches, hijinx, emotional damage, and craziness! Help say, "Good riddance, you bastard!" to that crummy theater!"

Come see all the regular New Kalan stuff plus my tearful (?) reunion with my old SSIOWY boss. It should be great fun.






PLUS: It's not just the New Kalan's last night at the Gene Frankel theater -- it's the Manhattan Comedy Collective's last night at the theater. That's right, after tonight all the vestages of Juvie Hall and its children will be swept away forever (or to a bar a few blocks away. One or the other). To celebrate this, MC2 is putting on a special FREE improv jam at 11 PM, just following The New Kalan Show, complete with FREE Jell-o shots.

Captains.

Kalan.

Jell-o shots.

What more could you need?

The Gene Frankel Theater Underground
24 Bond Street (aka East 2nd St.)
In the East Village, on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette. In the basement theater. Take the 6 to Bleeker, B/D/F/V to Broadway Lafayette, or R to Prince.

Cost:

-$5 for 10 PM show ONLY.
-$10 for entire night of shows (including both of my shows, at 7:15 and 10 and everything in-between). Includes 1 free drink ticket.

GTN Bit from 5/24/06

Here's the piece that I wrote for last night's Giant Tuesday show, which was ably performed by Andres du Bouchet as Francisco, Mike Birch as Dr. Greg, and Rob Gordon as the bum.

The Gum Bit

FRANCISCO
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce Dr. Gregory Igloomaker, who has an amazing invention that he would like to share with us.

DR. GREG
Thanks Francisco.

FRANCISCO
Igloomaker, that's an interesting name. What is that, Eskimo?

DR. GREG
No. No, it's not. It's Dutch. Why would you say Eskimo?

FRANCISCO
It is less than not important. Why don't you just share your invention?

DR. GREG
Certainly. Well, Francisco, imagine for a moment that you are not a world-famous variety host, but that by day you labor away in a dull office job.

FRANCISCO
It's hard, but I think I can do it.

DR. GREG Imagine coming into work, day in, and day out. Entering data into spreadsheets. Processing, collating, faxing-- the endless tedium. Getting tired aren't you?

FRANCISCO
(sleepy--nearly hypnotized)
Yes.

DR. GREG
How about a nice cup of coffee?

FRANCISCO
Yes, please.

DR. GREG
But the pantry is so far away.

FRANCISCO
Oh no!

DR. GREG
And Alan, from accounting, forgot to brew a new pot after he finished the old one.

FRANCISCO
I hate that bastard, Alan.

DR. GREG
Don't you wish you just had coffee at your fingertips, all day long?

FRANCISCO
Don't toy with me, Igloomaker! Just give me coffee!

Dr. Greg hands Francisco a stick of gum.

FRANCISCO (cont'd)
This? But this is just a stick of gum.

DR. GREG
Wrong, Francisco. That is a cup of coffee.
(to audience)
You see, I asked myself, what is coffee, but ground coffee beans plus hot water? And what is your mouth but a hot-water-making-machine? So what I've done is suspend the grinds in a sort of natural latex, what the Native Americans called "chicle." Your saliva does the rest.

FRANCISCO
(chewing)
I can taste it brewing in my mouth!

DR. GREG
And that's not all. Just add one of my patented "flavor paks" to create premium specialty coffee. This one is Mocha Latte, and it's made from ground-up chocolate chips and coffee-mate!

Francisco dumps the packet into his mouth.

FRANCISCO
Mmm! It's like a backwash Starbucks!

DR. GREG
(pointing to the package)
That's our slogan! And the best thing is that this gum not only picks you up, but it freshens your breath with the delicious odor of secondhand coffee.

FRANCISCO
Amazing. So, do you make any other versions? Decaf, maybe?

DR. GREG
Please, Francisco; if you want decaf, chew Trident. But I am proud to introduce my new Coffee Nicotine Gum, “Cup 'o Butts.” Quit that nasty smoking habit while enjoying a steaming cup of mouth-joe.

FRANCISCO
Really? Nicotine Coffee Gum? Is that safe? It seems like concentrating the two together might create some sort of dangerous super-stimulant.

While the doctor speaks, a shabbily dressed man sidles onstage.

DR. GREG
Of course not--ask Jim Jarmusch. It's no worse than enjoying a cigarette with a pot of…

BUM
Hey, man, are you carrying?

DR. GREG
(to bum)
Not now.
(to Francisco)
As I was saying, it's no worse than…

BUM
C'mon man, I just need a fix. It's been three days. I've been chewing from the bottom of chairs.

DR. GREG
Get away!

FRANCISCO
What's going on over there? Do you know that man?

DR. GREG
No, he's probably just some homeless man who wandered in off the street, lured by the promise of alternative comedy. Don't worry.

BUM
Just one stick, Dr. Greg. My teeth are aching.

FRANCISCO
He appears to know your name.

DR. GREG
All right.
(beat)
All right, fine. Yes. Charlie here was one of our product testers. It turns out you're right Francisco. Making a Coffee Nicotine Gum somehow increased the addictive power by five hundred and twelve percent…

FRANCISCO
What an oddly specific figure.

DR. GREG
…Which means that all our testers are now addicted. But don't worry! We're working on it! That's why we've developed this Methadone Gum, to help ween people off Cup 'o Butts.

FRANCISCO
How much does the Methadone Gum cost?

DR. GREG
It retails for $250 a pack.

FRANCISCO
That's absurd! You can't solve all gum-created problems with more gum! Are you or are you not using your various flavors as gateways to addict people to ever-more-expensive gum products?

Dr. Greg makes as if to answer, then suddenly makes a break for it, running off-stage.

DR. GREG
Juan Carlos! Start the helicopter!

SFX: HELICOPTER, starting up, and then fading away. Francisco and the bum follow with their eyes, as if he's flying away. A beat.

BUM
What about you, man? You holding?

FRANCISCO
No, I am not. I'm sorry. Would you like a drink ticket?

BUM
(taking the ticket)
Enabler.

He exits. Transition, etc…

--

It went over okay... although the biggest laugh was garnered by the helicopter sound cue, and their reactions to it.

Also, if you haven't been there in a while, check out the Captains in Space website. A few new things have been posted up there-- and the latest episode (the first one written by me) should be online sometime before the end of the Memorial Day weekend. So you can look forward to that, if that's the sort of thing you look forward to.

Tuesday is Giant, Tonight!

Just a reminder, tonight one of my bits will be performed at Andres du Bouchet's always extremely funny Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game (only writing-- I won't be performing in the show. However, I will be in the audience to witness the GTN gang make my words funny, so if you see me, buy me a beer. I'm the one who looks like me).

So come on out. They're shooting a "pilot" to show around to various folks, so I'm sure they'd love the audience to be as big as possible. Oh, and if you want to check out bits from the show in the comfort of your own home or subway, you might be interested to know that they now have a podcast.

In case you've forgotten, Giant Tuesday Night is at:

Rififi/ Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street
between 1st and 2nd Avenues
On the isle of Manhattan
8 PM
The show is FREE (w/ a one drink minimum)