Wednesday, November 22, 2006

In Which I Offer Some Important Thanksgiving Safety Tips

As every New Yorker knows, Thanksgiving marks the invasion of Manhattan by giant cartoon characters. Safely confined within our newspaper pages and television screens at all other times, these monstrous creatures are, in a Faustian bargain, allowed to run wild in our largest city once a year.

If you are one of the unlucky residents who did not win a plane ticket out of the city in the annual lottery, you may find the following survival hints helpful this holiday weekend.

Snoopy has a beagle's enhanced sense of smell, which he will use to track you down, and crush you between his powerful jaws. To throw him off the scent, rub yourself with aniseed and Axe Body Spray.

Spongebob's powers are derived from his square pants. If you are able to trick him into wearing regular, pants-shaped pants, his magical spell will be broken, and you will be allowed to keep your first-born child.

Super Grover: As long as you don't mention that usurper Elmo, SG is cool with you.

Garfield's legendary appetite is only enhanced by his giant size, and a visit from this cat is nearly always deadly -- thus proving the old adage, "There's nothing funny about Garfield."

Clifford the Big Red Dog: If you publicly pronounce your allegiance to the Communist Party, Clifford will spare your life.

Pikachu: You can only defeat Pikachu by creating a Poké Balls to increase your Special Attacks and Special Defenses, via your protective Bulbasaur and Fuckamander or some shit like that.

Barney loves you. This makes him easy to kill.

Also, if you live between 77th and 34th on Central Park West or Broadway, just make sure you've got plenty of plastic sheets and duct tape over the windows, and you should be safe.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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