Happy Halloween!

In honor of the holiday, and the end of our show, here are the scripts for my two sketches from Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular. Enjoy.

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The Antichrist Has a Hot Mom

A CHILD, wearing a blazer and a small cap is onstage, along with his HOT MOM, who is wearing something sexy.

The MUSIC from The Omen plays in the background, fading out softly as the sketch unfolds.

SFX: Doorbell. The NANNY rushes to answer the door, letting in a PRIEST.

NANNY
Oh, thank God you’re here!

PRIEST
Settle down; settle down my son. There’s no point in giving into fear. Now are you the boy’s father?

NANNY
No, I’m their male nanny. He killed his father! Cut a pentagram into his chest, with an orange zester! Now it’s just me, the devil child, and his mother. The nanny indicates the child’s mother, and the priest does a take.

PRIEST
Hello! Jesus, that is one hot mom! It’s just you and her here, you say? Pretty sweet!

NANNY
Well, me and her and the boy. He’s the reason I called you here; remember?

PRIEST
Right, right. You say you think the boy is the antichrist… and… uh…
(looking at the mother, distracted)
What makes you say that?

NANNY
Well, there’s the patricide to start with… then there are the hellhounds that gather at his window when he cries; there’s the eyeless monk who foretold his birth; there’s his love for the movie Straight Talk, starring Dolly Parton and James Woods; there’s the time he immolated an entire bus of school…

PRIEST
(cutting him off)
I’m sorry, but—she… is… just so hot. I mean, look at those calves. And the…
(makes a breast motion)
…they’re like they never shrank after she stopped nursing. How old was she, when she had the spawn of Satan there?

NANNY
Um… I think she got pregnant right after high school, so probably… who cares!? Surely we should be strategizing about how to kill him, to prevent hell on Earth!

PRIEST
Right, right. Sorry, it’s just hard not to be distracted. She’s such a MALF.

A beat.

PRIEST
Mother of the Antichrist I’d like to F…

NANNY
(interrupting)
I get it.

PRIEST
I mean, I know the devil’s bad, but I have to give him his due—if I was going to impregnate someone with my infernal seed, I’d pick her!
(towards the ground/ hell)
My hat is off you sir!

NANNY
What is wrong with you? You’re a priest! You shouldn’t be congratulating Satan or talking about how much you’d like to screw the Antichrist’s mom!

PRIEST
Look, she’s not just any Antichrist’s mom…

NANNY
Shut up! Right now, you need to focus on averting the apocalypse!

PRIEST
Whatever. I wouldn’t expect a male nanny to understand.

NANNY
What’s that supposed to mean?

PRIEST
Nothing.

A beat.

NANNY
Oh, I get it. A male nanny. You’re saying I’m gay.

PRIEST
(shrugs)

NANNY
Oh come on!

PRIEST
It’s not because you’re a male nanny that you’re gay. It’s because you’re a male nanny and you don’t care how hot she is—that’s what makes you gay.

NANNY
I care! I’m just trying to save the world.

PRIEST
I mean, I’m a priest and I can barely keep it in my pants!

NANNY
I’m not gay!

PRIEST
Listen. I don’t care if you’re gay. I’m not that kind of priest. You’re cool with me. Just admit it, so we can get over this issue of why you don’t want to have sex with the Antichrist’s incredibly arousing, sensual, voluptuous, mom.

NANNY
Fine. I may be a little confused about my sexuality… but that doesn’t change the fact that you need to eradicate the devil’s spawn before we’re all doomed to an eternity of maggots and Dolly Parton movies.

PRIEST
Apology accepted.

NANNY
(pushing him towards the mom)
Get over there.

PRIEST
Er… hello there, ma’mn. I hear that you’re having a little Antichrist problem.

HOT MOM
(breathily)
Oh yes! It’s so horrible! He’s the spawn of my loins, so I’m attached to him, but I know that beneath it all, he’s pure… deviant… evil.

The priest has been leaning in closer and closer, reacting to the words “loins” and “deviant.” He recovers.

PRIEST
Well, the first thing to do, is to make sure that there are no other devil children in there.
(indicates her belly)
Sadly, you have been violated by Satan, and your womb may bear his sinful mark. The only possible solution is for a man of the cloth to have sex with you, to counteract any ill effects. If I may bravely volunteer—allow my liquids to be like a hot holy injection, cleansing you from within, in a spiritual eruption.

HOT MOM
Do you really think that will help?

PRIEST
(to audience)
Couldn’t hoit!

The priest does a take to the audience. Everyone freezes.

MUSIC: Merry Go Round Broke Down (the Merrie Melodies theme)

The Antichrist unfreezes and stabs the Male Nanny repeatedly. Everyone else remains frozen.

NANNY
Help! I’m getting killed! Why aren’t you doing anything?! Someone help me!

Blackout.

--

Slutty Costumes Sketch

Two women, LISA and ASHLEY, are onstage. Both wear slutty catholic schoolgirl costumes. They’re drinking punch and trying not to look at one another.

Music plays.. A third woman, KATHY, also wearing a slutty schoolgirl costume ENTERS, arm and arm with her DATE, who wears a normal shirt and an eyepatch.

KATHY
(entering)
I can’t wait for you to meet my friends. This is going to be the best Halloween party ev…

Kathy stops short, registering the two other women, also dressed as schoolgirls.

KATHY
(cont’d)
You have got to be fucking kidding me!

The other two schoolgirls notice her, and react.

LISA
Oh, no. No no. Not you too!

ASHLEY
(almost overlapping)
What are you wearing?!

KATHY
I’m wearing my slutty schoolgirl costume, what are you wearing?

LISA & ASHLEY
I’m wearing my slutty schoolgirl costume!

KATHY
This always happens! Lisa, I thought we agreed that you were going to be a slutty nurse!

LISA
Bullshit! You were supposed to be the slutty nurse!

KATHY
No, that was for last night’s Halloween party, where everyone showed up as slutty nurses, even though you were supposed to be a slutty angel, and Ashley was supposed to be a slutty French maid! Tonight, Saturday, I was supposed to be the slutty schoolgirl!

ASHLEY
(timidly)
I thought I was the slutty schoolgirl.

KATHY & LISA
You were supposed to be the slutty cavewoman!

ASHLEY
Slutty cavewoman?

LISA
You know—leopard skin dress?

ASHLEY
Sounds more like slutty jungle girl to me.

LISA
Whatever! The point is: I’m the slutty schoolgirl!

KATHY
No, I am!

A fourth woman, SANDI, enters, wearing a slutty cat costume.

SANDI
Hi guys! What’s going on? Why aren’t you all wearing your slutty cat costumes?

KATHY
Sandi. What… The fuck… Are you talking about?

SANDI
You know, how we all planned to be slutty cats.
(she makes a half-hearted cat-scratch motion)
Meow!

KATHY
Why would we all want to dress up as slutty cats for Halloween?

SANDI
You’re all dressed the same!

LISA
It’s a mistake!

SANDI
Whatever. I just don’t know why you’d ruin things like this, since we always all dress up as slutty cats. That’s our thing. We’re the group of girls that dresses as slutty cats.

KATHY
We all dressed up as slutty cats ONCE—five years ago!

LISA
By mistake!

ASHLEY
And ever since you’ve been dressing up as a slutty cat every year, and trying to get the rest of us to join your slutty cat gang, even though we all know that you were supposed to be a slutty policewoman! I’m beginning to think you just have some sort of slutty cat fetish!

SANDI
(she does)
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

ASHLEY
I don’t even get the slutty cat thing. What is it? Are guys supposed to want to fuck a cat? I don’t understand!

LISA
Ashley, stop bugging Sandi about her deep-seated need to be a slutty cat. The important thing is that you guys always wear the wrong thing, and I was supposed to be the slutty schoolgirl!

KATHY
No you weren’t! Do you want me to check the slutty calendar?!

LISA
Fine!

Kathy whips out the slutty calendar, which is a calendar made up entirely of October 31st’s

KATHY
Here we go—Halloween 2006. Ashley: slutty cavewoman, Sandy: slutty policewoman—definitely not slutty cat,
(triumphantly)
Lisa: slutty nurse, and Kathy: slutty schoolgirl. While we’re at it, why not go over next year?! Ashley: slutty secretary, Sandy: slutty cheerleader, Lisa: slutty Cleopatra, and Kathy: slutty superhero! 2008 Ashley: slutty robot, Sandy: slutty meter maid, Lisa: slutty MTA worker, and Kathy: slutty World War II bombadier! 2009 Ashley: slutty Attorney General, Sandy: slutty circus strongwoman, Lisa: slutty 1930’s aviatrix, and Kathy: slutty slut! 2010…

LISA
(interrupting)
How do we know that slutty calendar isn’t a slutty forgery!

SANDI
Yeah! I think Kathy’s really dressed as a slutty bitch!

KATHY
You whores!

She runs at them, as if to fight, but her date (on the sidelines until now) restrains her.

DATE
Ladies, ladies! Calm down. I think you’ve all been fighting so much, that you’ve forgotten the true meaning of slutty costumes…

INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC rises in the background.

DATE (cont’d)
Namely, to get super drunk, grind one-another on the dance floor, and to come onto men—men who’ve barely put any thought into their costumes at all.

There is general agreement from all the girls. They’re coming around.

DATE (cont’d)
To me, you’re all equally slutty … even slutty cat, who does indeed do something for me, for reasons I can’t quite justify or comprehend. In fact, you’re all so slutty that I’m contemplating asking all of you to come home with me tonight, and I think you’d be totally into that. Plus, I’ll let you in on a little secret---
(flipping his eye patch up)
Beneath this half-assed pirate costume, I’m a bit of a slut too.

MUSIC ENDS. A beat.

DATE (cont'd)
Now let’s go back to my place, where I have several gallons of Mike’s Hard Lemonade!

All the women cheer. The four partygoers exit arm-in-arm.

Blackout