Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Recycling Center: Rejected Jokes

All together now...

Facing pressure from GOP leaders as the midterm elections near, the White House said Monday that President Bush would not longer stress "stay the course" as a central goal in Iraq, and instead will focus on "milestones" and "benchmarks." Specifically, the best way to blow them up.

Australians are being urged to stop singing in the shower because the utility company claims that singing adds an extra 9 minutes to the average shower. Sounds like Australia just got turned on to Rush!

Responding to claims from her opponent in the Senate race that she used to be ugly and had plastic surgery, Hillary Clinton said that she was "cute" in high school... although it was cute in that, "I'll bet she has a really nice voting record" sort of way.

Coca-Cola announced Monday that it would donate two and a half acres of prime land near Atlanta's downtown tourist district to a proposed civil rights museum, along with one-fifteenth of a mule.

A judge in California has dismissed an indecent-exposure charge against a woman accused of sitting naked on her sun deck in a bid to "drive away" a teenage boy who was making too much noise playing basketball next door. Surprisingly, the tactic worked, as the woman was Joan Rivers.

According to a new study blue-eyed men prefer blue-eyed women because unconsciously they know that their children would also have blue-eyes and they could then determine if a partner was cheating. Which is why I'd like to introduce my new product: "Adulterer Brand Color Contacts for Babies."

Rush Limbaugh on Tuesday accused actor Michael J. Fox of exaggerating the physical effects off his Parkinson's disease in political ads urging viewers to support Democrats in the next election who support stem cell research. One thing definitely not exaggerated? Rush Limbaugh's ass-hattery.

President Bush on Tuesday accused Democrats of being "genetically disposed" to raise taxes. Maybe the president could give them some stem cells to help with that.

A panda cub in China bit off part of the thumb of an American visitor who was feeding it at a reserve, finally answering the question, "what's black and white and red all over?"

Dick Clark is selling memorabilia he collected during his years as host of American Bandstand, including a glove worn by Michael Jackson, a bustier worn by Madonna, and half a moustache worn by Prince.

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