Recycling Center: More Zombira

So, another of my sketches got cut from Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular (for time) - which is fine, because I already had one more sketch in the mix than the other writers. Plus, this was my weakest of the ones included in the original line-up. Yet, never let it be said that I'm embarrassed to air my cast-offs like so much leftover cheese. Gentlemen and ladies, I give to you...

SAW: THE BEGINNING

Lights up on a man, ERIC, and another man, JORDAN, both in leg chains. They are just waking up. There is a hacksaw near Eric.

ERIC
(groggy)
What… where? Where are we?

JORDAN
Who are you?

ERIC
My name’s Eric P. Victimguy. I’m a doctor. Do you know why we’re chained here?

JORDAN
No, I…

SAW (V.O.)
Good morning, sleepy-heads. Dr. Eric… Mr. Jordan… I hope you two aren’t feeling too dazed from the ether...

ERIC
Damn you! Why have you kidnapped us? Let us go at once!

SAW (V.O.)
Now, now. If I let you go, then who would be left to play my game? The rules are simple. All you have to do is make a choice. At six o’clock, your wife and daughter will die, unless… you give Jordan an Indian burn.

They look at each other and shrug.

ERIC
What do you say?

JORDAN
All right. I mean it’s your wife and daughter.

ERIC
Thanks. I’ll try not to do it too hard.

JORDAN
I appreciate that.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
He terrified you in Saw. He scarified you in Saw II. You watched him in Saw III, even though you probably should have waited for video. Next Halloween, see how it all started, with “Saw: The Beginning!”

Eric gives Jordan a half-hearted Indian burn.

ERIC
So, can we go now?

SAW (V.O.)
Not so fast! You still have a choice to make! A horrifying choice, regarding your leg chains and that hacksaw.

JORDAN
What is it?

SAW (V.O.)
To escape from the chains, you need to break open the hacksaw, to find the key, which I’ve concealed inside the handle.

ERIC

How is that a horrifying choice?

SAW (V.O.)
Because you’re breaking a brand-new hacksaw! One I intended to give to you, as a souvenir!

ERIC
Uh… yeah. I think we’re okay with that.

SAW
Really? But it’s such a nice saw.

JORDAN
Hey, crazy killer guy! You should have made the choice something like, “the hacksaw isn’t strong enough to cut through the chains, but it can cut through your leg.

ERIC
Yeah, that would be diabolical.

SAW (V.O.)
Ooh, that is good. Can I steal that? I’m writing that down right now.
(to self)
…strong… enough… to cut through bone.
(to Jordan)
Wow, and you just thought of that right now? How’d you come up with it?

JORDAN
I dunno. It just came to me.

SAW (V.O.)
Listen. You wanna come work for me? Clearly I haven’t figured out how to strike the delicate balance between the horrific and the mundane. I could use a guy like you to come up with my traps.

JORDAN
Gee, I appreciate the offer, but I’m pulling down about 150 grand a year as the regional V.P. for J.C. Penney’s, so unless you can match that… plus, it’s not illegal.

SAW (V.O.)
Wow, 150? I’m not making nearly that much in serial killing.

JORDAN
Listen, though, I bet you’ll get better. You just need to put more thought into it.

ERIC
Yeah, plus—practice, practice, practice.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Before you learn to kill, you have to learn to crawl. Can you handle one man’s quest to inflict graphic inconvenience?

SAW (V.O.)
One last thing! While you were sleeping I inserted a small pebble into your left shoes. You can either go through the trouble of removing and re-tying your shoes, or you can walk around all day with the discomfort of…

While he has been talking, they have both removed their shoes, and tipped the pebbles out onto the floor, causing him to fall silent.

ERIC
See ya!

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Saw: The Beginning! Look for it next year!

BLACKOUT.