So, there are fleabag motels, but has there ever been a "fleabag?" Why would anyone collect a bag of fleas?
-- Excerpt from Dannuggets: The Gentle Observational Humor of Dan McCoy
I'm trying to lose weight, so for an appetizer, I now order the "Bloomin' Green Onion."
-- Excerpt from Dan in Meal Life: The Gentle Culinary Humor of Dan McCoy
Why do they call it menstruation? Am I right, guys?
-- Excerpt from The Dan Show: The Gentle Misogynist Observations of Dan McCoy
What's the deal with Timber Wolves? They don't live in wood houses. They don't eat timber. Although, I guess if wolves were named after what they ate, they'd all be called "Rabbits and Other Small Game Wolves."
-- Excerpt from Dan is With Wolves: The Gentile Lupine Observations of Dan McCoy
I was getting arrested for breaking and entering, and I wondered, does anyone ever get arrested for just "breaking?" Like, they open the door, and figure that's enough for one day? Or maybe they just really hate locks.
-- Excerpt from Stealie Dan: The Gentle Criminal Comedy of Dan McCoy
"Living on a Prayer?" Why not just sing "I'm Between the Ages of 27-35 and Lack Imagination?"
-- Excerpt from Dan, Sing With the Stars: The Gentle Karaoke Komedy of Dan MkKoy
I call them high heels, because you've gotta be high to deal with the toe pain, right ladies?
-- Excerpt from Dan's Her in the Dark: The Gentle Cross-Dressing Humor of Dan McCoy
My buddy Ellington keeps suggesting swing time, but I can't get my wife to go for it!
-- Excerpt from Dango Reinhardt: The Gentle Jazzy Humor of Dan McCoy
Some people say that Anastasia is still alive, but I think they're just tsar losers.
-- Excerpt from Dan's Dan's Revolution: The Gentle Bolshevik Observations of Dan McCoy
Didja ever notice how Dan McCoy's always writing half-assed blog posts?
-- Excerpt from Rather Dan: The Gentile Dan-centered Danservations of Dan McDan
Showing posts with label anti-humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anti-humor. Show all posts
Monday, August 04, 2008
Friday, December 01, 2006
In Which I Introduce a New Character for Your Mild Amusement
MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome-- Jasper: The Comedian With the Poorly-Thought-Out Material!
(Applause. Jasper takes the stage. Long silence.)
JASPER
Um... Cauliflower. That would be a good word to use in a joke. Possibly a joke about calling... uh... a flower.
"Indiana Jones and the Pimple of Doom."
(beat)
Would be a... a good MAD Magazine parody. Back in 1984.
I'd hate to have Tom Wolfe's dry cleaning bills. What with all the... white suits.
I went to a bemusement park the other day. At least I think I did.
So... that Quentin Tarantino sure likes nostalgia, huh? What's he going to do next? A show called H.R. Bloodnstuff? Or something?
(Silence.)
Socks!
MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Jasper, everyone! Jasper: The Comedian With the Poorly-Thought-Out Material!
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome-- Jasper: The Comedian With the Poorly-Thought-Out Material!
(Applause. Jasper takes the stage. Long silence.)
JASPER
Um... Cauliflower. That would be a good word to use in a joke. Possibly a joke about calling... uh... a flower.
"Indiana Jones and the Pimple of Doom."
(beat)
Would be a... a good MAD Magazine parody. Back in 1984.
I'd hate to have Tom Wolfe's dry cleaning bills. What with all the... white suits.
I went to a bemusement park the other day. At least I think I did.
So... that Quentin Tarantino sure likes nostalgia, huh? What's he going to do next? A show called H.R. Bloodnstuff? Or something?
(Silence.)
Socks!
MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Jasper, everyone! Jasper: The Comedian With the Poorly-Thought-Out Material!
Friday, November 03, 2006
In Which I Engage in Some Entertaining Japery
Some selections from my upcoming book, Uncle Dan's Rainy-Day Funtime Book of 1001 Jokes to Annoy Your Parent, Guardian, or Babysitter, 2006 Fisherman's Almanac:
Q: What did the fat man say after winning the top trophy at the pie-eating contest?
A: "To compete is its own reward."
Q: Why did the blonde scientist throw her clock out the window?
A: To test Einstein's theory of space-time... It was the window of a spaceship, traveling near a black hole. Very dangerous experiment. Unfortunately the results were inconclusive, since they were unable to retrieve the clock.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who sits on a street corner?
A: That man is an honored veteran of our armed forces. Please, give generously, even if it is merely pocket change.
Q: How many Picts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. You see, the Picts were a loose confederation of Scottish tribes, existing between the Roman times and the 10th century, and the earliest lightbulb was not developed until 1801. Thus, a Pict could not have screwed in a lightbulb.
Q: What is the difference between a banana and a bottle of arsenic?
A: I don't know! That's why I've never been able to successfully raise monkeys!
--
Q: What did the fat man say after winning the top trophy at the pie-eating contest?
A: "To compete is its own reward."
--
Q: Why did the blonde scientist throw her clock out the window?
A: To test Einstein's theory of space-time... It was the window of a spaceship, traveling near a black hole. Very dangerous experiment. Unfortunately the results were inconclusive, since they were unable to retrieve the clock.
--
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who sits on a street corner?
A: That man is an honored veteran of our armed forces. Please, give generously, even if it is merely pocket change.
--
Q: How many Picts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. You see, the Picts were a loose confederation of Scottish tribes, existing between the Roman times and the 10th century, and the earliest lightbulb was not developed until 1801. Thus, a Pict could not have screwed in a lightbulb.
--
Q: What is the difference between a banana and a bottle of arsenic?
A: I don't know! That's why I've never been able to successfully raise monkeys!
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