The Flop House: Episode #56 - Whiteout

Tomorrow, celebrate cinematic excellence at The Oscars, but today, celebrate cinematic feculence with our discussion of Whiteout. Meanwhile, Dan gets a strong hook contender, Elliott demonstrates his punning prowess, and Amanda tells the world's best talking doll story.

0:00 - 0:31 - Introduction and theme
0:31 - 5:00 - We reintroduce guest co-host Amanda Melson, and spend nearly five full minutes reminiscing about the New York comedy scene in a way that's almost completely alienating to outsiders.
5:01 - 39:12 - You know your movie's in trouble when even an ice ax-wielding killer and Kate Beckinsale in her underwear can't generate any excitement
39:13 - 43:10 - Final judgments
43:11 - 48:00 - Flop House Movie Mailbag
48:01 - 53:48 - The sad bastards recommend.
53:49 - 54:52 - Goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

If you don't want to enter the "GIVE DAN A HOOK" contest, but still want to hear the DVD commentary we did for John Ott's short horror film, STULL, you can just purchase the thing outright, by going here.

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Wikipedia synopsis of Whiteout

The Flop House Episode Thirty-Nine is ONLINE!

This week we take a look at the movie that made us famous... or at least led to this interview. That's right, we tackle Bride Wars. Meanwhile guest host Amanda explains Candice Bergen's magical powers, Stuart reveals his commercial catchphrase, Stuart nominates Kate Hudson to star in the film "My Slightly-Puffy Matthew McConaughey Love Interest is an Alien, and Dan fills in for Elliott's golden pipes at an unexpected juncture.

0:00 - 0:31 - Introduction and theme
0:32 - 2:22 - We introduce our guest host: stand-up comedian and comedy writer Amanda Melson.
2:23 - 31:20 - In Bride Wars, there are no winners. Only bloodstained white tulle.
31:21 - 34:23- Final judgments
34:24 - 39:02 - Listener mail, and a revelation about Dan's slumlord background.
39:03 - 45:40 - The sad bastards recommend
45:41 - 47:24 - Goodbyes, theme and outtakes.

If you like Amanda Melson in this episode, check out this Comedy Central stand-up clip. VIDEO! FUN!

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Wikipedia synopsis of Bride Wars

I Did Something Very Vague and TV-Related Last Night

So I can't get into details or I might get in trouble, but I shot a minor role in a hidden-camera-type TV pilot last night. Thanks be to one of my old comedy cohorts for getting me the gig. As I said, details are verboten, but my friend said that I could probably mention it as long as I'm "very vague." Since I'm currently a little hard-up for news for this site, consider this my very own Page Six blind item.

Anyway, if the pilot sees air, I will definitely let everyone know when and where they can see it. Watch this space.

I Am the Ted McGinley of Fake Talk Shows

Flashback to May of last year-- I join the writers/ cast of Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You for the last 6 months of its two-year run. It's one of the more popular (at least, for the size of the venue) comedy shows in the city, and, although talk-show-format stage shows were certainly not a new idea, SSIOWY did it before it became the cliche it now seems to be.

During my time with the show, the success continues. We have one of our biggest guests in Lisa Loeb (and standing backstage listening to her perform "Stay" live, a song that I remember first seeing on MTV in high school, is still one of my most treasured NYC comedy memories). We get considered for the Aspen Comedy Festival, and, though we don't ultimately get called back, it's an honor to have been scouted.

And then the show ends shortly thereafter.

We go out in top form, with a final episode I'm very proud of. Sara goes on to a justly deserved job as a web-host for AOL Music's "The DL" (check it out, people). Fellow writer Amanda goes on to a justly deserved job writing for Greg Giraldo (although she's currently free--hire her, people!). Kara Lee departs for new horizons in L.A. And Patrick continues in his day job as Conan O'Brian's personal assistant. And I go on to...

The Primetime Kalan-- another live talk show, hosted by Daily Show associate producer Elliott Kalan. It was originally conceived as an unwritten midnight talk show. With the move to an earlier hour, Elliott decided to tighten things up with more pre-written bits, and kindly asked me to join. Much fun is had, particularly due to the never ending stream of Daily Show guests, courtesy of Elliott's delightfully shameless connection-pimping.

I stay with this show for about nine months of its two year run.

And it's ending. Next weekend.

Clearly, something is happening here. I am forced to come to the conclusion that I am the Ted McGinley of Fake Talk Shows-- Ted, of course, being "the patron saint of shark jumping." My presence apparently marks some sort of death knell for semi-successful basement-comedy-talk-programs. On the bright side, my staying power seems to be gradually increasing. When I join the cast of Late Night With Jon Kingman is Obsessed With Being Primetime, I may even make it a whole year before bumping the thing off.











"The McGin" -- just, you know, hangin'

On the other hand, perhaps I'm misreading the situation. Perhaps I am not the Ted McGinley of stage talk shows, but merely the Cousin Oliver-- perhaps I'm the guy brought on in a last ditch attempt to revitalize a slumping show by virtue of my adorableness and ability to bring in a wider audience. That audience being, specifically, my college friends who live in the NYC area. Hey, that extra 20 people is nothing to be sneezed at!

Either way, next time I hope to get paid.

Congratulations, Amanda!

I was keeping this under my hat for a while, until I was completely sure it was okay to say something, but since The Apiary has reported on it, I suppose there's no reason not to go ahead and post this:

Huge congratulations are in order for Amanda Melson, my friend and fellow Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You writer, who recently landed an honest-to-goodness job writing comedy for television. She's working on Greg Giraldo's Friday night evening of stand-up, on Comedy Central, which you can see starting this Friday at 8:30 PM. Just last week she got to live out the comedian's dream of dropping her day job for a dream job, and they've already put her to work spinning comedy gold.

Instead of the bitter gnashing of teeth that traditionally comes with a peer's success, I feel only great joy regarding Amanda's new position. Why? (You may well ask.) Because Amanda's the bees knees, foolish blog-reader! She's funny and quick with a brilliant comedic suggestion, but never precious about her own stuff, and she's one of the kindest people I know. She's paid her dues, people! She deserves every success. I simply cannot say enough good things.

So congratulations, Amanda. We're proud of you.

(And everyone who's not Amanda-- come on down to SSIOWY this Saturday at 8 to see Amanda in action, before she becomes too big to ever talk to us again.)

McSweeney's Quarterly Back Issue Order Form

The second in my "archiving old Jest humor pieces series" is perhaps my favorite thing I wrote for that magazine. It's the piece that got me blogged in New Yorkish; the piece that made future fellow-Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You writer Amanda Melson sit up and say, "Who is this Dan McCoy?" and the piece that, when I pressed it into his hands, made former McSweeney's writer Neal Pollack look nonplussed and say, "Yeah, there have been a bunch of McSweeney's parodies."

Ye mighty, gaze upon the...

M c S W E E N E Y ’ S Q U A R T E R L Y
B A C K I S S U E O R D E R F O R M .

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HOW TO OBTAIN COPIES.

Issue 1
To purchase, please go to a McSweeney’s 100 bookstore near you (a list of participating independent retailers may be found online at Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency). Conversely, you may order a copy online at the aforementioned web site, or send $21.95 to the address listed in the endnotes.

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Issue 2
Issue two has been engraved on card stock, and can be assembled to create scale models, which depict the houses of the authors whose stories may be found within. As the construction of these models is fairly complex, Dave Eggers requests that those wishing to buy issue two write him a personal note, and he will mail them a copy, complete with detailed instructions.

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Issue 3
The third issue was printed entirely on strips of hickory bark, and published in limited numbers. Act soon. Supplies are limited, owing to a particularly cold winter.

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Issue 4
The stories included in issue four are meant to be read while listening to a specially commissioned composition for piano, by Philip Glass, the sheet music for which can be found printed on the inner binding. As the piece demands several difficult fingerings, Mr. Glass insists that he perform it himself. Co-ordinating your schedule with that of Mr. Glass is solely your concern, as is any remuneration he may require.

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Issue 5
The only existing copy of issue five has been mailed to J.D. Salinger. We encourage those of you who enjoy a challenge to obtain it from him.

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Issue 6
On the coldest night of the year, stand at a crossroads. When the moon just hits the crest of the horizon, put shovel to dirt. At a depth of six spans, less one ell, find an earthen vessel. Smash it quick, and from the shards draw seven splinters, bearing four consonants and three vowels. These letters are a surname, to be confirmed by careful study of the county’s records of birth. If you have followed these directions true, the name shall be revealed to you. The disclosed man is a dwarf. Issue six has been tattooed on his torso. Should you wish to revisit the stories from issue six at a later date, the aforementioned gentleman allows readers to take Polaroids, but color copies are expressly forbidden.

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Issue 7
Go to the lake isle of Innisfree. Sit on its shores. As the season turns, the wind will whisper issue seven into your ears.

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Issue 8
Sit on the fire escape directly across from the McSweeney’s offices on August the 12th, at precisely 8:47 PM. Employing a Nikon camera, equipped with a telephoto lens and high-speed film, take pictures of Rick Moody, Nick Hornby, and Sarah Vowell engaged in an amorous clinch. Blow up the incriminating snaps on 8 1/2 by 11 photo paper, and enclose them in a manila envelope. Compose a threatening epistle, by cutting brightly colored individual letters from popular magazines and assembling them as appropriate. Send the photographs and the letter to us via personal messenger. In return, we will send you issue eight, in a series of plain brown wrappers, bearing non-consecutive serial numbers.

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Issue Q
There is no issue Q.*

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Issue 9
Lead a blameless life. When you die, ascend to heaven, where all the wondrous majesty of issue nine will be made known to you. (Special bonus: Issue nine includes an essay by David Foster Wallace, about ice cream.)

*At least, in this dimension.

Sara Schaefer Recap Fun

Friday's Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You was one of the best yet, with great office sketches, and an extremely candid interview with Neal Pollack (he even talked about this stuff).

The sketches involved our efforts to start an office newsletter; our break into factions, and the newsletter wars that resulted (with many of us talking in old-timey newspaper voices for no good reason); and the ever-more-absurd competing publications that resulted. We also did mock-ups of the newsletters' covers to project on the back screen during the scenes, and I thought you might enjoy seeing some of those visuals. Here are the two that I put together (the others were done by Sara).





Ah, the hilarity of me in boxers.

Also: Neal Pollack was a great sport, especially when it came to poking fun at himself. He even appeared in the final beat of our office sketches. He was such a good sport that it's worth recapping in full:

After his interview he went backstage with Sara, and an announcer (me) explained that "...they came upon a horrific scene. The office newsletter conflict that had begun 2 sketches ago had erupted into a full-blown war." Through a series of events that would take too long to explain, Sara managed to bring the office back together by singing "Diff'rent Strokes." However, just at the end of the bridge, Neal Pollack came out to release a dove into the air, in a gesture of peace. Unfortunately, the dove is dead and simply falls to the floor. At this point, it's best to just let the script tell the story...

SARA
Oh great, Neal Pollack, way to go. I suppose you'regoing to blame that one on your persona?

EVERYONE
[joining in]
Yeah, good one Neal Pollack! You’re horrible! Neal Pollack is a jerk! Your uin everything! Never mind the Pollacks indeed, sir!

[Just then a voice comes over the PA]

VOICE OF DAVE EGGERS
Hey! Everybody! Calm down.

EVERYONE
Who are you?

DAVE EGGERS
I’m Dave Eggers.

[Everyone gasps]

I just bought this theater to add to my finely honed empire of whimsy. Anyway, you guys, look at yourselves. We need to stop tearing each other down – and come together! Sure, sometimes we get into media wars with people we love and respect, people we owe most of our success to, and sometimes we get into fights with Neal Pollack.

NEAL:
Thanks a lot Eggers!

EGGERS:
That was more whimsy, Neal! Do I need to remind you that I teach children to read?

NEAL:
No, no. (sigh)

EGGERS:
Listen kids, don't let an office newsletter divide you, certainly not when it's printed on such poor quality paper!

NEAL:
He's right, you know.

EGGERS:
Thanks Neal, you're not so bad yourself...

Because it takes, Diff'rent Strokes to move the world. Yes it does. It takes, Diff'rent Strokes to move the world.

SARA:
Dave Eggers is the best!

EVERYONE
[as they exit]
Yay! Eggers rules! I loved “A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius”! I'm going to go buy that book of his that you can't buy in stores!

[Neal Pollack is left alone on stage, with a spotlight on him. The sad music from the end of the Incredible Hulk comes on. He turns, picks up a knapsack, and walks off slowly, pretends to hitchhike. The lights slowly fade to black.]

Ah, poignant and hilarious-- great stuff from Sara and Amanda, who had the biggest hand in writing the final beat (I worked most on the second part... which also went off really well, but I'm not posting the whole show for you suckers. Come to the theater and pay for a ticket).

Self-Centered

Ah, the latest in my annoying series of posts tracking back blog references to shows I write for/ appear in...

The inimatable Lusty Lady tells of her excursion to July 15th's Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You.

Neal Pollack, SSIOWY's guest for the upcoming July 29 show, announces his appearance on our show over at his blog.

Lastly, Amanda Melson, lovely and talented stand-up/ Sara Schaefer writer recently had a birthday (Happy Birthday!) and restarted her blog. It's a little sparse right now, but it'll grow.

All Over the Internet Like Free Porn

I got my first mention in The Apiary which is kind of like a gossip-column-blog, specifically covering New York comedians and the New York comedy community. It's the sort of thing people like me read, secretly hoping to see their name. And now I have. Which was exciting. Plus, they were nice enough to link to this very page.

Anyway, my name-check was part of a discussion of the last (sold out!) Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, with special musical guest Lisa Loeb. I was really pleased with this episode. I got to take the first pass at the time-travel plot, and the extra time we had to prepare gave me and all the writers-- the astounding Patrick Stubbins, Amanda Melson, Kara Lee Burk, and Sara herself-- a ton of time to punch up and expand on the script and make it high-larious. Some key plot points-- Amanda played "future Sara Schaefer," (despite looking nothing like Sara), who came back in time as to warn Sara about the doom that would befall everyone at the end of the show, but refused to give specifics for fear of changing the future. Kara Lee played "future Dan" (SARA: In the future you're a woman? ME: Yeah... turns out I've got a lot of unresolved issues that I won't deal with for another couple of years.") who came back in time with no scruples about changing the future. Eventually future Dan became Sara's personal assistant, helping with the aid of her total knowledge of the future, and I ended up getting drunk and sleeping with the future version of myself. At the end of the show we discover that the horrible thing that was going to happen at the end of the show was that all the messing with time has changed SSIOWY's theater into a movie house showing Ashton Kutcher's "The Butterfly Effect." Thankfully we're all saved from having to watch it by future Dan, who has brought back a tape of Sara's future E! True Hollywood Story, detailing her rise to fame. Thus, everything ends happily.

The guests were also great. Lisa is just as cute as you would imagine, and she played three songs, including "Stay." It was one of those moments, where I was like, "Hey, I remember watching this video on MTV in high school. And now I'm standing back stage at a show for which I'm a writer, and she's playing it live," where I felt like, even if my career goes no further, this is kind of wonderful. That moment eventually passed though. Please pay me for my writing. Also, Chris Genoa, the novelist (and Sara's fiancee) was very funny-- you should read the post on The Apiary for more details.

In addition to the shout-out at The Apiary, Rachel Kramer Bussel, the famed Lusty Lady and comedy fan wrote about us on her comedy weblog. She's been a big fan of Sara's show since way back-- certainly long before I was even involved with it, and I know everyone appreciates all her support (she even wrote a great interview with Sarah for Gothamist some time back). Anyway, like I said, it was a good show. We had three cameras taping it, along with some special sound equipment, etc., so maybe it'll get us into some comedy festival or something.

Also, The Apiary mentioned that Jest Magazine's going national. They also call it "Mad Magazine for manchildren," which, to be honest, is pretty fair. I'm just glad people are paying attention, as I've been contributing regularly for almost a year now and I love it when the rag gets any publicity. Also, I actually got my first fan letter in Jest's most recent issue. Maybe I'll type it up for you guys when I get a chance.