Monday, December 11, 2006

Recycling Center: Rejected Jokes Edition


Actor Rip Torn was arrested Monday in New York on charges of drunk driving, resulting in the world's most confusing headline: "Smashed Joy Ride Rip Torn Nicked."

Officials at said that the most requested searches of 2006 were the Yankees, Britney Spears, and Suri Cruise. The least requested search? "Howie Mandel erotica."

The Conservative branch of Judaism voted this week to accept gay rabbis for the first time. Or, as they put it, "What's the big tsimmes about a guy who likes schlong?"

The White House said Monday that, because he was unable to win Senate confirmation, UN Ambassador John Bolton will step down when his temporary appointment expires within weeks, in a sad day for human walruses everywhere.

The Iraq Study Group formally presented their report, entitled "The Way Forward, A New Approach" on Wednesday to President Bush. Although, to get him to read it, they just called it "Highlights For Kids."

A 2 month-old baby girl in Colorado was in good condition Monday after being hospitalized with a blood-alcohol level more than four times the legal limit for an adult driver. Officials suspect the cause was a bottle of Danny DeVito Brand Baby Formula.

Broadway actor James Barbour, who once played The Beast in Beauty and the Beast, was arraigned this week on charges that he fondled an underage girl backstage in 2001--both a little scared, schoolgirl unprepared, booty groped by beast.

World chess champion Vladimir Kramnik lost his final game in a match against computer program Deep Fritz. Kramnik attributes his loss to underestimating his opponent, mistakenly believing it to be gay German porn.

Paris Hilton has said that after hanging around with Britney Spears and her two children, she wants children of her own adding, "I look after animals, so I'd have a lot to give my kids." Including, presumably, several blood-borne STDs.

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