New Show ALERT: The Summer Funtime Special

I'll be co-starring in a sketch show next weekend (co-written by me). So come out and see the show, or regret missing it. Or don't regret missing it. That's the other option open to you: complete disinterest and lack of regret. It's a popular choice, as I understand.

What's the show?

"The Summer Funtime Special"

Barbecues, bikinis, beachballs, and blockbusters. Finally, a sketch show that celebrates what Time Magazine calls "The World's Hottest Season." An earlier version of this show was reviewed as having "sharp writing and performing" -- Jester Journal. Yes, some random guy with a website liked it. A ROUSING ENDORSEMENT! When have they ever been wrong?

Basically it's a collection of seasonal sketches, some old (don't worry, you haven't seen them), some new, in the vein of Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular. If you liked that, chances are you'll like this too.

The at-the-door price is $15, but that gets you into all three of the evening's shows (the other two being "Sealegs McGoo," a one-man character piece, and "Plan B," another sketch group, so the ticket price covers the whole night). However, you can get a small discount by buying tix online. It's $12, with no additional service fee (the website is sort of confusing because the site says "w/service fee," but they mean to say it's included).

The key information is below:

Thursday - Sunday at 8:00pm
July 26, 27, 28 & 29
at the Sage Theater
711 7th Avenue, Times Square

Starring Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Dan McCoy, and Stacy Mayer
Written by Rob Bates, Matt Koff and Dan McCoy
Directed by Jeremy Westphal
Artistic Director: Stacy Mayer
Stage Manager: Karie Hunt
Part of MC2's The Big Bang















Disclaimer: this show is not affiliated with the Girl Scouts, although balding lothario Rob Bates wants readers to know that he's done a little girl scouting in his time, if you know what he means.

Casual Sketch Update

According to an email from the Casual Sketch guy in charge, the show is now FREE. So there's no excuse not to go... I mean, other than you don't like to go to things on Sunday at 9:30. Which I understand. In fact, why the hell am I doing this, again?

IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME!

Dan Returns to the Stage THIS SUNDAY!

I haven't been doing many shows recently, for which I apologize. (I don't know to whom, however, as I bafflingly lack a Dan McCoy Fan Club.) I promise that I do have a few things in the pipeline, and I'll announce the details here soon.

In the meantime, why not come out to The Magnet Theater, this Sunday the 15th at 9:30 PM, to see me perform in a little show called Casual Sketch. I'll be performing a scene with my cohort Matt Koff under the name Tunnel to Passaic (thanks to Rob Bates for the appellation). Then, after the show, we'll probably end up like the couple in the promotional photograph below, who appear to be nude-blogging. As I understand it, that's the traditional way of celebrating an appearance in a sketch show.









Casual Sketch @ The Magnet Theater
Sunday the 15th at 9:30 PM
$5 - Cheap!
254 W. 29th St.
New York, NY 10001

In Which I Post a Gmail Chat Transcript Which Illustrates My Tendency to Waste Time With Pointless Gibberish

New status message: used gravel for sale - in original shrinkwrap

matt.koff: I'll take some

me: $12 for four pieces.

matt.koff: hmm
how... big are the pieces

me: gravel-sized

matt.koff: Isn't that kind of unreasonable
what were they used for?

me: Look, if you're not interested, move along.

matt.koff: WHAT WERE THEY USED FOR, ANSWER ME

me: You're wasting my time, and blocking my business.
They were used for gravel.

matt.koff: I'LL TAKE IT

me: too late.

matt.koff: WHAT
YOU JUST PUT IT UP

me: I've promised it all to a collector in Tokyo.

matt.koff: FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
I'M SUCH AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HAD A CHANCE TO GET THAT GRAVEL AND I BLEW IT

me: It's really delicious gravel too. And totally water-absorbent.

matt.koff: DGHUOIDSHF-9SVSIOUDVB

me: Plus it does taxes.

matt.koff: NO!!

me: Well, I'm off to swim in my money bin.
(I built it after selling so much gravel)

At this point, both parties lose interest and go off to read a blog or something. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Friday Video Fun

Here's a parody of an OnStar commercial, written by my longtime cohort Sara Schaefer, and performed by Sara and yours truly. More to come!

Don't You Forget About Me (Onstar Parody)

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Fun fact: the audio delay you hear is because we were actually talking over the phone. It's like a DVD commentary in blog form around here!

Recycling Center: 8-Track Edition

For those of you who did not see it in person last night, I give you my latest 8-Track opus, No-One Dies at Disney World:

* * *

Two uniformed Disney World employees, JIM and MARY, RUN IN.

MARY
Crap. Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.

JIM
Keep it together, Mary! Tell me what happened.

MARY
One of the Disney janitors—I’m sorry, “Sanitary Imagineers”—accidentally dropped some bleach into the quote-unquote water in It’s a Small World After All, creating a poisonous cloud of chlorine gas. They’re dead! They’re all dead!

JIM
Jesus. I guess it’s a smaller world after now.

MARY
There were 101 people on that ride! This is the biggest Disney-related death since they rebuilt The Haunted Mansion on that ancient Indian burial ground! (remembering) Thank God Pocahantas interceded…

JIM
Look, mass amusement park deaths are just part of the circle of life. You’ve seen The Lion King. The important thing now is disposal.

MARY
Disposal?

JIM
Right, you’re a newbie. I guess you haven’t finished the handbook. People can’t die here. This is Disney World! “The Happiest Place On Earth,” registered trademark. If someone passes, they’re stuck in an ambulance, so the death certificate says they die off-premises. But so many dead at once…things get tricky.

MARY
Then what…?

JIM
Don’t worry. I called Mr. Fox. Think of him as the biggest Sanitary Imagineer of them all. He should be here any…

THE FOX enters. He is no-nonsense and rapid-fire.

FOX
All right, kids, time is precious, so let’s dispense with formalities. When I tell you to do something, all I want to hear is “Yes Mr. Fox.” “Bre’r Fox,” if you must. Better yet, “Sir.” As I hear it, we’ve got a hundred park-goers who ain’t ever gonna be happy again, and wishing on a star won’t bring ‘em back. (To Mary) Your name?

MARY
Mary.

FOX
Mary, I want you to round up all the full-body character costumes that you can—your Mickeys, your Donalds, your Daisys, your Goofys, your Chips, your Dales, your Grumpys, Sleepys, Dopeys, Sneezys, Happys, Bashfuls, Docs, your Chilly Willys…

JIM
Chilly Willy’s not ours, sir.

FOX
Do I look like I give a fuck? (back to Mary) And you stuff ‘em all full of stiffs. We’re carting those flesh-trippers outta here incognito, get it?

Mary nods

FOX
Then make like Dumbo and fly, unless you want tomorrow’s Orlando Sentinel to read “Tragic Kingdom!”

Mary RUNS OFFSTAGE.

JIM
Thanks, sir—that could’ve been bad.

FOX
Well, let’s not start singing Zippity Doo Dah just yet. What’s your name, kid?

JIM
Jim.

FOX
(lighting cigar) Jim, I want you to round up as many laundry trucks as you can. We’re gonna smuggle those costumes out like Unca Walt’s dirty undies.

JIM
But all our trucks are waterlogged, thanks to that typhoon off Typhoon Lagoon.

FOX
Crap on a corn dog! If only those eggheads over in Tomorrowland spent less time making Michael Jackson 3-D, and more time inventing a de-corpseylator, like I asked! (to self) Think, man, think!

Mary RE-ENTERS, dragging a DEAD TOURIST, dressed like Mickey Mouse.

MARY
Mr. Fox, sir! We’ve packed the bodies into the costumes and…

FOX
Nix, you dizzy broad! Never bring a deadhead out in the open! What if a kid saw…

A CHILD enters, eating some cotton candy. He looks around, wide-eyed—not, for the moment, seeing the others. The Fox makes a series of militaristic hand gestures, pointing first to the child, then to his eyes, shaking his head vehemently. He points to the corpse, then pats his own shoulders.

Mary and Jim get the idea, and they hoist the body up between them, Weekend at Bernies-style. The Fox ducks back behind the body, and thrusts his arms out from beneath its armpits.

He’s just in time. The child turns around and spots the body, running over to it.

CHILD
(hugging the corpse) Mickey!

FOX
(high-pitched Mickey voice) Well hello there, young fellow! Gosh it’s sure nice to see you! Say, Mickey isn’t feeling so well right now, so why don’t you run along to Space Mountain. (producing a DVD) If you go now, I’ll give you this copy of Lilo and Stitch!

CHILD
(less than enthused) Uh… Thanks, Mickey.

He runs off. The others drop “Mickey” to the ground.

FOX
Okay, Plan B: Load all the bodies onto the monorail, and swing over to Epcot. If we’re lucky, we can stick ‘em in the pneumatic tube, and shoot ‘em over to Universal Studios—then it’s their problem.

MARY
Epcot has a tube that can do that?

FOX
Wise up, kid. Why do you think Epcot was built?

JIM
(starting to pick Mickey up) Thanks for your help sir. I think we’re gonna be all right. For a minute, I was afraid we’d have to unfreeze Walt.

The Fox angrily nods towards Mary, and makes a throat-slashing “shut up” motion.

MARY
Unfreeze… Walt?

JIM
I’m sorry, Mary. I forgot your security clearance is only Goofy Level.

MARY
You mean the stories are true?

FOX
(distracting her) Say, Mary. Do you know the Mickey Mouse Club Theme?

MARY
(confused) Uh… Sure I do. (singing) M-I-C…

The Fox takes out a gun and SHOOTS HER DEAD.

FOX
C you real soon. Y? Because you know too much. (to Jim) Load her in with the others.

Jim stands a moment, immobile with shock. The Fox comes over and places a hand on his shoulder.

FOX (cont'd)
Forget it, Jim. It’s Disney World.

BLACKOUT.

The 8-Track, TONIGHT!

Hosted by Baron Vaughn
Accompanied by Arthur Lewis
Featuring the musical guests
The Geniuses
Kid Lucky
Erin and her Cello
and Special Character Appearance from
Ann Carr






Closest subway:
6 to Bleecker

Tickets:
$12.00 - available at the door or in advance
www.telecharge.com

For now, BYOB -- Discounts at "Astor Wines"

Things I Did Over Memorial Day Weekend...

Recreated the poster for Local Hero.

Recycling Center: 8-Track Edition

Well, The 8-Track premiered last night, and for such an ambitious show (sketch and stand up merging "seamlessly" with live musical performances, with both a guest host and musicians) it was remarkably bump-free. And I'm sure it can only get better as we learn what works, what doesn't, and how to best put it all together.

Anyway, for those of you who didn't make it to the show, here was my contribution:

The African Adoption Sketch

A HOLLYWOOD ACTRESS enters, with a VILLAGE ELDER. She holds a T-Moble Sidekick, which she glances at, frequently, during the scene that follows. Three ORPHAN CHILDREN are lined up hopefully, awaiting them. The third is a REGULAR DUDE, wearing a backwards baseball cap.

ELDER
We are so honored to have you visit our village. We were big fans of the movie where I think you played a cat burglar vigilante who also was a surfer.

ACTRESS
You’re so sweet! I actually had a lot of input into the skintight bodysuit I wore in that.

ELDER
It’s important to keep… (struggling for the right phrase) cre-a-tive control.

ACTRESS
I’m surprised you saw it.

ELDER
Oh, we do not have a movie theater. Or electricity. No, some Americans on Safari discarded a half-eaten Burger King Whopper, and the wrapper had a promotional tie-in photo… It fed our village for a week. Of course, many were not used to consuming so much meat, and vomited more than they ate. The smell drew hyenas, led by the Devil Hyena, whom we believe to be the death spirit Pazuzu. He fed on the elderly and infirm for six days and nights. It was known as the coming of the Blood Whopper. But those who survived tell me it was flame-broiled and delicious.

ACTRESS
(She has been texting, and has heard nothing) Great. Can we just do this thing?

ELDER
Certainly. (He gestures to the children.) These are our parentless children. We wish we could support them, but ever since the corpses of our dead poisoned the water suppl…

The actress runs forward squealing and hugs one of the children…

ACTRESS
Oh look at this one! It’s so adorable! Look at its little potbelly!

ELDER
His belly is distended from starvation. You see, the build-up of gas…

She springs back from the child.

ACTRESS
Gassy. No thanks. (Points to next child.) What about this one?

ELDER
That is little Abebe. Never have I seen a child so full of love.

Abebe hugs the actress’s legs.

ABEBE
Shall you be my new mother? I will bring you kisses every morning.

She extricates herself from Abebe’s arms.

ACTRESS
A bit too full of love. Mommy has to catch up on her rest after an all-night nose candy binge, know what I mean? (The Elder’s face is blank). Dust? Flake? Merge? Mojo? The White Horse? Bolivian Marching Powder? (He’s still not getting it) No? You probably have some crazy African name for it. Got any orphans that are a little less “clingy?”

DUDE
Yo, over here!

ELDER This is… uh… Barry.

DUDE
(sticks hand out for fist bump) Barry Lunt, what’s up. I sincerely hope you choose me to be your adopted African son.

ACTRESS
He’s got a Mets cap. And that wristwatch is from Sharper Image.

ELDER
Mr. Barry wandered out of the desert one week ago. We felt bound by hospitality to feed him.

ABEBE
He took my cassava.

DUDE
I’m bigger than you. I need more food. That’s science.

ACTRESS
I don’t know. You just don’t seem that Ethiopian.

DUDE
I immigrated.

ACTRESS
From where?

DUDE
Hackensack. Look, you gonna adopt me, or not? (looks at watch) I have it on good authority that Angelina Jolie’s gonna be in a village fifteen kilometers south of here around noon. If you don’t want me, I need to hop in my Taurus and get down there.

ELDER
Mr. Barry, if you own a fuel-efficient Ford Taurus, then perhaps you would like to step aside, so that other, truly impoverished orphans can have the chance to…

DUDE
Hey, you don’t know me. You don’t know my life. Growing up, when all the other kids had Playstation 2’s, I had a Nintendo 64. You know how that feels? What if I wanna play God of War?

ELDER
The God of War? Pazuzu?!

DUDE
And now you’re gonna stand in the way of my lifelong dream of being adopted by a beautiful Hollywood starlet? Maybe you need to do some thinking about what poverty really means. Poverty of being sympathetic towards me!

ACTRESS
Look, I’d really like to adopt you. I would. Mainly because I’m afraid I’ll catch a disease from those other orphans.

DUDE
No doubt.

ACTRESS
But I’m worried if I come back with you, my friends think I don’t care about starving Africans.

DUDE
Tell them I’m South African.

ACTRESS
I don’t know…

DUDE
We’re all just one big beautiful rainbow. Check it. (singing) WE ARE THE WORLD. WE ARE THE CHILDREN. WE ARE THE ONES WHO MAKE A BRIGHTER DAY, SO LETS START (hums “giving” because he doesn’t know the words). THERE’S A CHOICE JAMAICAIN WHO’S… SOMETHING… ALL OUR PIES. (hums some more, then breaks into different song) WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE WE GOT FUN AND GAMES, IN THE JUNGLE, WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE (back to We Are the World) IT TRULY IS A BETTER DAY SO ADOPT ME!

ACTRESS
Your song makes a strong case.

DUDE
Also, if you want to get all Woody Allen/ Soon Yi on me, I’m almost 18, and I totally wouldn’t mind. These guys won’t be legal for years.

ACTRESS
Sold.

The dude sticks his hand in Abebe’s face.

DUDE Face! (To Actress) Now let’s get you home so you can start breast-feeding me.

The actress giggles, and they turn to leave.

ABEBE
(To Elder) I think I finally understand the American word “douche.”

The 8-Track PREMIERES TONIGHT - Monday, May 21!

The new show I'm writing for is premiering NOW! (Well, not now, unless you're reading this at 8 pm on Monday the 21st ... but it's premiering today, Monday the 21st at 8 pm. Did I mention Monday the 21st at 8 pm? I did?) The first show's (loose) theme is "Mother's Day." Here are the details:

The 8-Track: A Seamless Blend of Music and Comedy

Mondays at 8pm
(No show Memorial Day.)

Location:
"The Green Room"
45 Bleecker Street
(Previously of "The Culture Project")
North side of Bleecker Street,
between Lafayette & Mott Streets.
New York, NY 10012

Closest subway:
6 to Bleecker

Tickets:
$12.00 - available at the door or in advance at www.telecharge.com

For now, BYOB -- Discounts at "Astor Wines".

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The 8-Track: A Seamless Blend of Music and Comedy

Chris "Shockwave" Sullivan of Freestyle Love Supreme and Off-Book Productions arranges the hottest comedic writers, actors and musicians in New York City's newest weekly hotbed of downtown comedy and music. The 8-Track creates a brand new sketch comedy show every week directed by AJ Morales (Wicked Wicked HammerKatz) and combines it with a guest host, musicians, standup comedy, films and a house band- integrating words and music seamlessly!

Sketch Direction:
AJ Morales

Musical Direction:
Damian Cremisio

Current Performers:
Amber Petty
Birch Harms
Lauren Bahlman
Matt Sadewitz
Steve Stout
Rachel Bloom
Robbie Sublett

Join the official mailing list by dropping a line to the8track@gmail.com, and get a once-monthly email of all the upcoming lineups!

Recycling Center: Fist City Edition

In case you missed it, here's the essay I read on Fist City last night. Of course, the best option is still to subscribe to the podcast, and listen to my mellifluous voice as I read it to you--because, really, who has the time in this busy modern world to read something for yourself? I come in at about the 45 minute mark of the show (actually the 1:45 mark on the podcast, since Fist City shares its 2-hour slot with The Rev Clempson Show). Not that you shouldn't listen to the rest of the show, as it contains much Elliott Kalan and Brock Mahan hilarity, with a guest appearance by Eric "War of the Worlds" Zuckerman.

But for those of you who read blogs, yet fear podcasts (a small minority, to be sure), here's what I read:

---

Thanks, Brock and Elliott—I’m here to discuss what is probably the most significant literary find of the last two hundred years, and, since you’ve assured me that this radio show is broadcast directly into the homes of all the Nobel Prize committee members, at least insomuch as they all probably have Internet connections, I’ve decided to unveil it here.

I have discovered a lost folio of Shakespeare, what I like to call the Director’s Cut With Alternate Endings Folio, or the “Caesar Stabbed First” Folio. It contains several surprising variations on his well-known plays, apparently the result of extensive focus testing with Globe Theatre audiences; budgetary constraints; and the ever-present danger of execution at the hand of Lord Wessex, as played by Colin Firth.

Many of the alternate versions are quite shocking. For instance, in this version of Hamlet, after everyone has apparently died, it is revealed that all the events of the play had merely been a charade set up by Hamlet’s uncle Claudius, in an attempt to cheer him up and get him to act less, quote, “Danish.” Then Rosencrantz comes in and gives Hamlet a shirt, which reads, “I wast drugged and left for dead in Elsinore, and all I received in return wast this inferior tunic,” with a logo on the back, reading “The Goodnight Sweet Prince Tour, 1502.” Similar tunics were available from Globe Theatre hot dog vendors, who, incidentally, sold real canines cooked over a spit. Apparently, this ending was insisted on by Shakespeare’s producer who, after seeing the lousy receipts for Titus Andronicus, decided that family audiences wouldn’t pay to see bloodbaths.

Or consider the original ending to The Tempest, in which the title character (The Tempest) returns to seek revenge against Ariel by throwing a series of CGI cows at her (CGI meaning, of course, Cow Gaffer Invented -- the chief carpenter apparently rigged up some pretty convincing paper mache cows). Or an early King Lear, all about a dirty old man who spends the play leering at his three daughters, a concept that was only abandoned when Christopher Marlowe told Shakespeare that he found it, “a little thin.”

Additionally, the folio contains some revealing commentary, apparently from a scholar contemporary to Shakespeare. For instance, one tidbit about “the problem plays” – so named because they have the problem of not being as good as the rest of his plays – it turns out that they’re a little uneven because they were originally just one big play, composed over a poppy-fueled long weekend, the original title being, Measure Measures All That Troilus Well for Cressida before Winter’s End, and the Tale of the Well Merchant, Timon of Athens, of Venice. It was an 18-hour mess.

And that’s not even getting into the lost plays that I found in this folio. Like Love’s Labor Won – that’s basically just wall-to-wall hardcore sex. 13th Night, where Malvolio returns wearing a rugby mask to slaughter the other characters while they’re vacationing at Camp Loch Ness, and the sequel to As You Like It, called Whatever You Want which was the first choose your own adventure play.

Oddly, I found this folio while cleaning out my garage, in a box labeled “Stuff That Didn’t Come from England,” and the paper it’s printed on has a watermark reading “Ben Franklin Bond” which would seem to date it post-Shakespeare’s lifetime by a significant margin, but I’m certain this find is genuine—so certain that I’m willing to split half of my aforementioned Nobel Prize monies with any expert that agrees with me… wink wink Harold Bloom. Anyway, the folio’s for sale, so if you’re interested, call up the studio. I’d prefer to sell to a museum, of course, but I’ll listen to anyone with cash money. Oh, yeah, no fatties.

Brock? Elliot?

More Information About the 8-TRACK, Starting May 21st!

I promised more details about the new show I'm doing when I had them. And do I ever have them. Flyer and press release below...
"The 8-Track" A Seamless Blend of Music and Comedy

Mondays at 8pm. First show May 21st.
No show Memorial Day.

Location: The Green Room 45 Bleecker Street (Previously of "The Culture Project") North side of Bleecker St., between Lafayette & Mott, New York, NY

Closest subway: 6 to Bleecker

Tickets: $12.00 - available at the door or in advance.

For now, BYOB -- Discounts at "Astor Wines".

Next/First Show: MAY 21st, 8pm
The Mother's Day Show

Hosted by:
Carolyn Castiglia

Accompanied by:
Shockwave

Featuring Musical Guests:
Erin and her Cello
Cock Lorge
Soce the Elemental Wizard

Standup Comedy by:
Rick Younger


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The 8-Track: A Seamless Blend of Music and Comedy

Chris "Shockwave" Sullivan of Freestyle Love Supreme and Off-Book Productions arrange the hottest comedic writers, actors and musicians in New York City's newest hotbed of downtown comedy and music. The 8-Track creates a brand new sketch comedy show every week directed by AJ Morales ( Wicked Wicked HammerKatz) and combines it with a guest host, musicians, standup comedy, films and a house band- integrating words and music seamlessly!

------------------------------

Credits and Bios:

Sketch Direction:
AJ Morales
Writers:
Dan McCoy
Rob Bates
Matt Koff
Laura Buchholz
Josh Drimmer
Musical Direction:
Damian Cremisio
Performers:
Various

Chris "Shockwave" Sullivan (Creator and Producer), can be seen in the improv comedy hip-hop group Freestyle Love Supreme which has been performed at The Aspen Comedy Festival, Edinburgh Festival Fringe, The Melbourne International Comedy Festival and regularly at The Ars Nova Theater, NYC. He currently produces and performs Shockwave: THE MIXTAPE at Ars Nova Theater and The BEATdown: A Comedy Rap Battle at Mo Pitkins every 4th Saturday. He has trained with Chicago's Joe Bill, Miles Stroth, Mick Napier, NYC's Upright Citizen's Brigade and The People's Improv Theater. Sullivan has production managed Saturday Night Rewritten at Juvie Hall and co-created Character Dogville with Manhattan Comedy Collective. Additionally, he is co-founder of long-form improv troupe TOAST! at UMass Amherst and alumni/director of short-form improv troupe Mission:IMPROVable.

AJ Morales (Director) is Emerging Comics of New York Best Director of 2005, and the proud founder of Wicked Wicked HammerKatz (T.O.N.Y . 'Critics Pick'). Hailing originally from Arizona, he began his sketch comedy career with the legendary Arizona State University group Farce Side, where he performed and wrote for their widely attended weekly show and received 5 Audience Choice awards for his writing. Over the past 8 years, he has directed over 35 theatrical productions and has studied improv under The Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater.

Off-Book Productions
The entity known as Off-Book Productions is currently a birthing brainchild of Chris "Shockwave" Sullivan, the creator of The 8-Track. It was created to help define and promote a loose networking of performers of stage and studio, individuals and companies, and the hard work that gets them there. Created to help collaborate and network musicians and actors, this show is their first official project. Company/Project Affiliations: Beatboxer Entertainment, Goldishack Recordings, Freestyle Love Supreme, The BEATdown, The MIXTAPE, Manhattan Comedy Collective and Character Dogville and JagCo. Productions.

I'm on Fist City Tonight!

I'll be making an appearance on popular Internets radios series Fist City tonight, reading a guest essay as part of Fist City's literary month, A.K.A. "Reading is Fistimental." I will be dropping a bombshell relating to some lost works of Shakespeare. Want more details? Listen to East Village Radio tonight at nine. Or subscribe to the podcast.

Following Spider-Man Week in New York City...

NEW SHOW ALERT!

I've not been doing a lot of live comedy for a while, partly because I've been working on a screenplay (sure to remain unpurchased and unproduced), and partly because a few long-running projects I was a part of came to an end, and I never took the initiative to come up with replacements.

However, starting in May, I'll be part of a regular show again. And, based on the concept and the other people involved, I'm very excited.

Every Monday, starting on May 21st (skipping May 28th, Memorial Day) I'll be doing a new show called The 8-Track, at 49 Bleecker St., between Lafayette and Mulberry (formerly the Culture Project theater). It will consist of 8 musical performances and 8 comedy performances woven seamlessly into one another, much like a DJ set, or a mix tape. The show will be all-new every week, and each show will feature a guest host and guest musicians, in addition to the usual sketch performers.

The show is produced by Chris "Shockwave" Sullivan, of the improv hip-hop group Freestyle Love Supreme, which has been featured at the Aspen Comedy Festival and the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. The head writer is Erik Marcisak, named a Back Stage Comedy Best Bet in 2006 and the former manager of Juvie Hall, an Emerging Comics of New York winner for Best Venue in 2005. The director (at least for the first several shows-- this will likely rotate) will be A.J. Morales, winner of the ECNY award for Best Director in 2005, and the founder/director of The Wicked Wicked Hammerkatz which also won a ECNY award, was a Del Close Marathon selection, etc. etc. etc.

These are good folks.

My place in the show will primarily be on the writer's side, but I should also be appearing as a performer for one reoccuring segment.

More than that I cannot say, partly because I don't know how much I should spill at these formative stages (the show will effectively be "in previews" for the summer, as we discover more about the shape it will take and work out the technical niceties), and partly because I don't know much more at this point. But I wanted to let folks know what I could, because I believe this could be something great. I hope you can make it out to see for yourself, and I'll keep you posted as I get more specifc details regarding our debut.

The Usual Filler

I am, again, a finalist in Daniel Radosh's weekly New Yorker Anti Caption Contest, the goal of which is to "submit the worst possible caption."

The comic, and my caption:














"Wow, I'm stuffed. I can't believe I ate so many monkeys!"

Recycling Center: Rejected Jokes Edition

The rejection never ends...

Animal activists in Serbia are upset by a plan to sedate more than 300 horses stabled at Belgrade's racecourse to keep them calm during a Rolling Stones concert, especially in light of Mick Jagger’s well-publicized claim that wild horses couldn’t drag him away.

This weekend is the White House Correspondents' Association dinner, and Rich Little has been hired to perform. Unfortunately for the White House, he’ll be doing his impression of Steven Colbert.

A 2 and 1/3 inch Faberge chair sold for 2.28 million dollars at Sotheby's on Tuesday, leading onlookers to exclaim, “Man that is one rich mouse.”

A New York City planning subcommittee has opposed a permit for the annual San Gennaro Festival in Little Italy, saying the street fair is too raucous and an inconvenience for residents. Citing similar reasons, the committee also denied a permit to New York City.

A new trend in New York City are "Cuddle Parties," which are drug and alcohol free environments where people meet to explore communication, boundaries, intimacy and nonsexual touch, creating a sensitive new way for guys to get blue balls.

A new fragrance will launched this summer called Coney Island, and will have a combination of smells, including Margarita mix, tequila, chocolate, and caramel, recreating the authentic experience of falling into a real Coney Island dumpster.

An Australian man spent 13 days living underwater in a "biosub," which created oxygen for him from algae that was watered with his recycled urine, and was powered by an exercise bike, which, experts agree, is the best way to smell like urine-soaked algae.

According to a report on global warming by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, the biggest threat to New York City is increased risk of floods, power outages, and being crushed by falling air conditioners.

Plans are underway for a Spider-Man musical on Broadway, with Julie Taymor from the Lion King set to direct and music by Bono and the Edge. A warning to those in the front row: you will get webbed.

Recycling Center: Rejected Jokes Edition

Turn around, bright eyes...

The former home of Johnny Cash, which is now owned by Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees, burned to the ground Tuesday afternoon after a spark ignited a wood preservative applied to the interior of the lakeside house, leading to a fistfight in the New York Post offices, over whether they should go with the headline “Ring of Fire” or “Disco Inferno.”

Don Imus on Thursday raised nearly 1 million dollars for various charities in the first five hours of his annual radio fundraiser, although few believed him when he claimed the phrase “nappy headed ho’s” actually referred to his charity work with narcoleptic hookers.

A new theme park in England has opened called Dickens World, which dedicated to the author Charles Dickens. It’s no relation to the Dickens World in Amsterdam, which is dedicated to… other things.

A police search of former astronaut Lisa Nowak's car turned up bondage photos on a computer disk, British currency, and pills. Let me get this straight: an astronaut is still storing her bondage photos on disk?

Starting Wednesday, Russia refused to renew the licenses of the last two adoption agencies operating there, effectively preventing Americans from adopting Russian children, although you can still pick them out of a catalogue and marry them.

The North Carolina State Attorney General on Wednesday criticized the "rogue" district attorney who prosecuted the false rape charges against the Duke Lacrosse players, while Jerry Bruckheimer heard the phrase “rogue district attorney” and immediately put a script into development.

IRS officials said this week that Singer Marc Anthony must pay 2.5 million dollars in back taxes or face prosecution, although he has been cleared of regicide in that Julius Ceasar matter.

In Which I Present a Long-Lost Movie Tie-In

Below are several participle-based movie titles. Can you circle the ones that aren't real?

• Gleaming the Cube
• Saving Silverman
• Feeling Minnesota
• Shucking the Oyster
• Torking the Flange
• Dorfing the Golf
• Smucking the Jam

What Are Some Other Things You Might Like to Gleam?
Write your answers below:

_____________
_____________
_____________
_____________
_____________

Michael Tolkien, screenwriter of Gleaming the Cube, also wrote Robert Altman's The Player. Does this mean that Gleaming the Cube is also a good film?

In Which I Show No Respect for the Recently Deceased

So, Johnny Hart died this Saturday. Too bad-- if he'd managed to kick it one day earlier, on Good Friday, maybe he would've risen again on Sunday.

[Boos from audience. "Too soon!"]

Look, all I know is, if you can convert a bunch of cavemen to a religion that didn't exist until 350,000 years later, you must be some sort of powerful wizard. A Wizard... of Id, if you will.

[More boos]

Okay, I realize these jokes aren't funny, but then again, that makes them perfect for Johnny Hart.

[Tomatoes thrown. Dan runs offstage.]

In Which I Pick Up an Important Endorsement

Everyone's Working for Me

A while back I shot something for Sara Schaefer's AOL music and comedy show "The DL," and today they posted it online, so that all could enjoy my stiff acting and surprisingly large number of chins. Since it's somewhat office-themed, and it features the back of Sara's head in one shot, this is probably the closest fans of Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You are gonna get to a reunion. So lap it up:



A guest writing spot in Gawker two weeks ago... a starring role in a two minute AOL video today. I know what you're thinking-- I've sold out. Gone all corporate. Well, guess what? I didn't get paid for either! HA! What do you think of me now?!

Hmn... Perhaps I need an agent.

DVD commentary extra: I ad libbed the line "You're next." Yeah, that's just how a brilliant comedy mind works.

In Which I List Several Thoughts Suggested to Me, by Seeing a "Freelancers Union" Advertisement on the Subway This Morning

• Huh. The Freelancers Union apparently has the same logo as my high school sports teams ("The Eureka Hornets") circa 1995.
• "Remember to pay your freelancers fair wages, ye editors and ye art directors of the world, lest ye be stung! And then woe, woe betide ye!"
• I wonder if the mysterious deaths of bees across much of North America, and the resulting loss of pollination, is going to affect my grocery bills, fruit and vegetable-wise.
• Freelancers Union? More like BEElancers Union! ZING! You've been burned, Freelancers Union!
• Seriously, what the fuck is with the bees?
  

I've Been Sick

I've had some sort of deathcold this last week, so I haven't been posting anything. But in the meantime, to keep you occupied, here's a picture of a cat shaving.















Mr. Tiddles claimed a brush gave him the closest shave, but his friends all thought it was just an affectation.

Hey, I'm on Gawker!

No, I wasn't spotted in a heated argument with Milo Ventimiglia outside of DaSilvano or canoodling with Martha Stewart in the secret bottle-service back room of a Duane Reade (bet you didn't know they had them, did you?).

Actually, I wrote something for Gawker's regular Looking at the Look Book feature. Here's the bit (my friend Jack Kukoda also wrote something for this installment). And here's the original New York Magazine Look Book (you might want to read that first).

Thanks to the ever-awesome Ritch Duncan for referring me.

Recycling Center: Jest Edition

Way back during the last gasp of Jest Magazine (at that point, Jest.com) I wrote three installments of what was intended to be a weekly column, called "Dan McCoy's Can't Miss Movie Pitch."

Well, Jest died soon thereafter, but when I was sifting through the archives this morning (because I'm too lazy to write something new) I found this fourth, previously unpublished piece. It's honestly not that great, but for any Jest completists out there-- and I know they don't exist-- it's gold!

--

MEMO

To: Big Hollywood Studio Guys

From: Dan McCoy

RE: Beetle Bailey: The Movie

The enormous success of Garfield: The Movie illustrates that newspaper comic properties can mean big bucks, even if said comics were only really popular twenty years ago (or more). With that in mind, I've acquired the rights to Mort Walker’s Beetle Bailey, the lighthearted tale of a congenitally lazy army private, and his criminally abusive superior officer.

I believe that a Beetle Bailey movie could provide even better returns than Garfield, for two reasons:

1. In light of the current conflict in Iraq, more and more Americans are asking themselves, “Hey. What’s Beetle Bailey doing these days?”
2. As all of the major characters are human, there is no need for the sort of expensive CGI used to bring Garfield to life. Maybe for Miss Buxley’s breasts.
   

Our story: As we open, the gang is mourning the death of Lt. Flap, Camp Swampy’s only black soldier, who was first to be sent to Iraq. But their grief is cut short, as the rest of the unit is soon ordered to follow. Each reacts to this development in unique and hilarious ways.

• Plato, who only joined the army to finance his Masters in Philosophy from William and Mary, writes a series of passionate editorials decrying army recruitment techniques, which end up getting cut down to a two-line joke for “Humor in Uniform.”
• Killer, the ladies man, is detained by the Iraqi police, for trying to peek under a burqa.
• Country boy Zero loses his faith in both God and men.
• Lieutenant Peachfuzz, the comical by-the-book suck-up, is fragged by his subordinates.

Meanwhile, back stateside, Miss Buxley takes a lot of showers for no reason.

One thing becomes clear, after nearly sixty years off active duty at Camp Swampy, the gang is woefully unprepared for combat. In a dramatic montage—scored either to Buffalo Springfield’s “For What it’s Worth” or Rick Dees’s “Disco Duck (I haven’t decided)—Beetle is cut down in a hail of gunfire, a human insect crushed for all our sins.

Once home, Sergeant Snorkel falls into alcoholism, tortured by thoughts that his time would’ve been better spent teaching Beetle to operate an automatic weapon, rather than beating him for failing to dig ditches. Beetle’s mother (who, in a surprise reveal, is Mary Worth) stations herself outside General Halftrack’s Texas ranch, refusing to leave until he takes responsibility for the death of her son. In a touching rapprochement, the General embraces Ms. Worth, and—after divorcing his shrewish wife, Martha—the two of them are married, in a symbolic joining of the military and the peace movement.

That is, until General Halftrack gropes Miss Buxley, and the marriage is annulled.

In Which I Blow the Lid Off a Cartoon Industry Secret

In certain rare cases, cartoon children and teens can grow up into human celebrities. For instance, did you know that she...







...became her?







Likewise, this burger enthusiast...






...grew up to be this gentleman:







Last, and perhaps most shockingly, this...








...became this:







IT'S A FACT!

Recycling Center: Rejected Jokes Edition

Jokes may come and go, but rejection is eternal...

In an interview, Naomi Campbell says that yoga and anger management classes have helped her calm down, saying, “It’s amazing how calming it can be, to stretch and twist the body of my assistant.”

This year's MTV Movie Awards will feature a new category called "Best Movie Spoof," which will award the best original movie parody by fans, and prove there’s no limit to the things America can put snakes on.

The University of Illinois voted to retire their Indian mascot Chief Illiniwek. His retirement will be spent in a series of ever-smaller closets, until school expansion forces him to be donated to a local casino.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales on Tuesday admitted, "mistakes were made," in the firings of eight top prosecutors, while Democrats threatened to subpoena whomever the passive voice referred to.

The Senate voted 89 to 9 Wednesday to begin its first formal debate on the Iraq war since Democrats took control of Congress in January. And whoever wins gets to go to the national debate team finals in… Washington D.C.? What a rip.

It was reported that Scarlett Johansson may play the lead role in a stage revival of South Pacific, leading thousands of men to volunteer to be washed right out of her hair.

Court TV has announced that it will change its name in January since most of its line-up has little to do with the courtroom. So next year, keep an eye out for its new name, “Reruns of ‘Cops’ TV.”

A man in Montana told police that he was not to blame for crashing his truck into a light post, since a unicorn was driving at the time. The unicorn became distracted after passing motorists encouraged the truck driver to honk his horn.

Angelina Jolie arrived in Vietnam on Wednesday where she is expected to adopt a 3 year-old boy, or, possibly, three one-year-old boys.

France's highest court annulled the country's only same-sex marriage this week, ruling that "under French law, marriage is a union between a man and a woman." Because if anyone’s for protecting the sanctity of marriage, it’s the French.

Of Death, Breasts, and Court TV

So, speaking of bad movies, I host a semi-regular bad movie night for friends. Last year, on Kentucky Derby day (don't look for a reason for the scheduling, because there is none), I screened Hard Ticket to Hawaii, which turned out to be a great favorite of the regular attendees.

Flash forward to this week, when I learned some tragic news. Here's an excerpt from the email I sent to friends:

"I'm sad to inform you all that Andy Sidaris, auteur behind past movie night favorite Hard Ticket to Hawaii, died yesterday at the age of 76. One can only hope that he passed away peacefully, surrounded by busty former Playboy models (brandishing bazookas), and perhaps a giant rubber snake."

Anyway, the news inspired my friend Ritch Duncan, former editor of Jest Magazine and current funny stand-up, to write this piece for the Court TV blog.*

R.I.P. Andy Sidaris. May flights of nipples sing thee to thy rest.



















*Raising the obvious question, "Court TV has a blog?"

In Which I Reimagine a Motion Picture Ad Campaign

Last night I was having a drink with friends, after going to see the excellent Korean monster movie The Host. Talk turned (as it usually does, with me) to bad movies. My buddy Simon mentioned that he hated the tag line to the recent non-smash-hit Hannibal Rising. The poster is reproduced below (letters enlarged for readability).



















He pointed out that, by definition, something can't start with revenge. So I suggested an alternate tag line:




















Or, if they wanted to inject a little bit of comics page whimsy, how about a word balloon:



















Then again, with the mask on, it would probably sound more like:



















In the end, we decided on brutal honesty:



















Oh, with deft Photoshopping skills like this, it's a wonder that I'm still a low-paid temp.

I Respond to a Blog Challenge

So, for the very first time, I have been issued a blog challenge. The lovely Fuse#8, Newbery Medal panelist and children's librarian extraordinare, has tasked me to re-write this (go read) and make it funny.

Oy. I try and limit my bad-mouthing of people to no more than 126 times a month, and Paul Rudnick and I have tangled before (well, insomuch as me attacking him via a one-sided blog post, while he's busy taking a limousine to his second limousine which takes him to his limousine-encrusted mansion, all the while being unaware of my existence counts as "tussling"). However, this seems to me to be a particularly egregious Shouts and Murmurs for two reasons.

1.) It's of that S&M family wherein a writer stumbles upon some soft news item in the back of Newsweek, takes 10 seconds to get the gist of it, then writes 500 completely un-trenchant words on the subject, while giving the impression that we should be grateful that he deigns to focus his Olympian wit on this wrongheaded nook of modern life. Oh the foibles! THE FOIBLES!

2.) He's making the same smutty joke over and over. (a) Find children's book (b) insert dirty word (c) repeat. In effect, he's simply playing the old porn movie title game-- hey everyone! Saving Private Ryan is now Saving Ryan's Privates! Ha Ha! Rudnick is dabbling in the job that hardworking porn screenwriters do everyday, without mainstream respectability or New Yorker cachet. They're the true heroes.

Anyway, considering that this is clearly a one-joke premise, the best strategy is to get in and get out. No point in using 500 words, when brevity is the s of w. With that in mind, I've re-written the piece, focusing only on the titles. Sure that turns my version into a simple list, and lists are the lowest form of comedy writing (although I've certainly done my share). But at least it doesn't belabor things.

Is it funnier? I don't know. I honestly didn't want to spend more than 10 minutes on it. But it's better than Marci X.


* * *

The Barenstein Bares Go to Nudist Camp

The Little Snatch Girl

This One's Pretty Much Porn for Teens, by Judy Blume

Dear Mr. Henshaw 2: Mom Said I Shouldn't Write to Adults on MySpace, but...

Johnny Tremendouscrotum

The Monster at the End of My Pants

Blueballs for Sal

Amelia Bedelia Misunderstands What it Means to "Butter the Muffin"

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

* * *


Okay. I feel dirty now. I promise not to work blue for a year.

I Was on the Internets Radios Last Night

If you missed my appearance on Fist City last night, never fear. You can catch up by subscribing to the podcast. Do it! It's easy! I promise you! Just copy the xml link into iTunes, or your podcasting software of choice.

I appear in the last five minutes of the show. Unfortunately, due to the ever-loose start and end times of East Village Radio shows, and the ever-exact start and end times of their auto-podcasting set up, the last 30 seconds or so of my 4-5 minute appearance gets cut off. Mid-joke, actually.

So if you listen, and you want to hear what you missed, here it is.

(ahem. >spoilers<) * * *

"...because then Muppet land developers come in, and then they wanna build walls all over it, and suddenly Miss Piggy's in a bikini, which is tragic. Personally, I feel this makes Muppets into second-class citizens, but what do I know? Anyway, to sum up, my screenplay for Ghost Rider 2: Wild Hogs Can’t be Broken is finished and ready to be bid on, big-time movie studios. I’ve sent a copy in the mail. I didn’t know the address, so I just wrote Hollywood on the envelope, but I’m sure it’ll get to you. Thanks."

* * *

And if you didn't listen to the show, if the former paragraph isn't intriguing, I don't know what is.

Dan Returns to Fist City TONIGHT

I've not done a lot of live comedy for a long while, as I've been working on a sure-to-be-unseen and unpurchased screenplay, but I'll be making an appearance on popular Internets radios series Fist City tonight, as the "guest essayist." What hijinx will result? Listen to East Village Radio tonight at nine and find out. Or subscribe to the podcast.

Who Wants to See a Video When You Can Hear a Sketch?

Here's something a little different. To celebrate the 131st-and-one-month anniversary of the patenting of the telephone, I present this audio sketch, written/edited/mixed by me (listen to it with headphones, for the full stereo effect), and featuring the vocal talents of Fed Hatoum and myself.

Profiles in History: The First Phone Call (Quicktime file)












Thanks to Fed for hosting the sketch on the Captains in Space site.

In Which I Address the Board of Directors of My Snack Food Company

Gentlemen, I know that we here at Amalgamated Snack Items, Inc. have had a tough year. I, as your CEO, bear some responsibility for that. Primarily, I apologize for greenlighting Dr. Sodium's Pretzel Twistz, "With the Great Taste of Pure Sodium." I had hoped we could take on Nabisco's hugely popular "Mr. Salty Pretzels," but I failed to take into account that pure chemical sodium is a highly reactive alkali metal-- one which explodes when it comes in contact with water.

Again, I am sorry. The most cursory Internet search could have yielded that information, but I suppose I was caught up in the fever of getting the product to market, before Keebler's "Sgt. Potassium's Carb Bitz." Mea culpa.

However, before the board votes to oust me, I would like to unveil some of the delicious snack items that are in the planning stages for 2007. I feel confident that, once you hear my ideas, the precipitous stock plunge brought on by countless wrongful death suits will be a distant memory. Or, at least, it would be if I hadn't reminded you of it just now.

Ahem.

How many potato chips rehash the same tired flavors? Sour cream and onion. Barbecue. Salt and vinegar. Lately snackmakers have tried to jazz up the humble chip with spicy jalepeno, or buffalo wing flavors. But what about a truly new taste experience-- and I'm not talking a green tea chip for our Japantown franchises. What about a chip that makes you know what it's like to be a single mom trying to "make it" in New York City? It's the toughest job you'll ever love, gentlemen, and now it's the most rewarding chip you'll ever eat-- Ms. Potato'z Unmarried Starch-ums.

I'll let you digest that one for a bit, gentlemen-- although the chips themselves will be loaded with undigestable husband-snagging olestra-- and move on to the next treat.

Corn chips come in all a manner of shapes, from scoops to cones to puffy little footballs. Well, I suggest that the physical qualities of our chips take a quantum leap forward. Literally. And by literally, I mean that our chips will be made entirely of fried corn particles suspended in superposition. Gentlemen, I give you Schrödinger's Phyziks Chipz! The very existence of which are in flux until you open the bag. Are the chips there? Or is the bag empty? Think of the manufacturing savings if the bag is empty! Especially if we don't bother making any, and just claim the very act of having a snack attack caused the consumer to observe the chips, making them disappear.

I can see that the last snack idea might be a little highbrow for you. So what about this one-- Fried Manta Ray Rindz. Now, hear me out. Pork rinds are just flash-fried pork skin, but the skin is a tiny part of the pig's total mass, making for a low ratio of return. However, Manta Rays are almost ALL surface area-- meaning that they're practically made of skin. Thus we can fry a whole manta ray, and feed an entire tailgating party on one lousy marine creature!

So what say you, gentlemen? Do I keep my job here at ASI?

Gentlemen?

Hmn. How odd that twelve fully-grown men would be able to leave this conference room without me noticing, even though I've been facing them, and speaking to them directly, the entire time.

Oh well, more manta rinds for me!