The Return of Gchat Theater: Part II, The Chatening

me: knock knock

Matt: who is there

me: Alpaca

Matt: alpaca who

me: I'LL PACK-A YOUR BAGS FOR YOU, BECAUSE THE BANK IS FORCLOSING ON YOUR HOME DUE TO THE ECONOMIC CRISIS.

This is a joke I just made up.

Please pay me $13 for it.

Matt: you know where that joke doesn't work?

in print.

in an IM window.

so

the way i see it

you owe ME $13

me: I'd argue that it doesn't work outside of print or an IM window, either.

The Return of Gchat Theater

What do comedy writers do with their day? They spend most if it irritating each other with deliberately bad jokes. To wit:

Matt: I hear it's restaurant week.

me: I hear it's BREASTaurant week.

Hubba hubba!

Matt: You don't hear that.

You just wanted to type "breast."

me: BREASTaurant

Soooo... what's in the news.

Everyone's going crazy for this new Apple iPad!

Matt: why

why are you doing this

me: I say that pad's not going to absorb any menstrual blood.

Not worth it.

Matt: where's my whiskey...

me: Obama's doing a spending freeze.

Have a heart Mr. President.

Matt: can't... take... much... more

me: It's January!

Send your money to Miami!

Matt: the voices

the voices won't leave

me: Seriously though, you've been a terrible audience.

Just awful.

I'm gonna take a break and go to the bar, but I'll be back in 15.

Matt: the blood

the pain

the horror

Be glad I don't have your gmail address.

The Return of Gchat Theater

[Curtain parts.  Dan McCoy sits at his computer, Google chatting with his friend Jack Kukoda]

me: http://tinyurl.com/dcfrgk

  Those hams are fixin' to catch up a mess 'o fish!

 Jack: hahahaha

 me: Then I imagine they'll fry those fish up in their own squeezings.

 Jack: i love it

  where do you find these?

  

 me: I saw some review of it on website about new books.

  Apparently it's the 2nd in a series.I can't imagine that the premise can sustain much longer.

 Jack: and it's spelled "squeezins'"

 

 Jack: no "g"

 me: True.

 Apparently, they're two little girls who fell into the machinery at a canned ham factory.

  Which, of course, turned them into anthropomorphic hams.

 Jack: no way

  really?

 me: You read about it in the news all the time.

  But when it happens to young girls...

  Tragic.

 Jack: my god

 that's just asking for kids to throw themselves into ham cannery machinery

  while on field trips to ham canneries

 me: http://www.henriettaham.com/

 Jack: my god

what were these girls doing in a ham cannery?

  i will give them credit for maintaining a positive outlook on life

  seeing as how they have their whole lives ahead of them

  with no chance of finding a husband or giving birth

  due to them being hams

 me: Well, I imagine they're beyond petty human concerns now.

  Being hams.

 Jack: yes

  they have the sageness that comes with being a ham

 they've transcended their human forms

 me: also the oraganoness

 Jack: you win

 me: BOOM

  I DROPPED THE BOMB ON YOU

 Jack: although you misspelled oregano

 me: Damn me.

  Were I a ham, I'd know better.

"Fruit Talk" With Dan & Ritch

Ritch's new status message - Honeydew melon is the scourge of the fruit salad.

me: And how.

Ritch: I had thought that citrus was the worst, but when they just layer the bottom with honeydew, then throw a kiwi, a few blueberry and a grape on top you're getting hosed.

me: You figure honeydew is a cheap crop?

I guess it has to be.

The way they throw it around.

Seems weird though, since all melons have to take up a lot of space.

Ritch: right

me: Honeydew is like someone soaked some Styrofoam in rose water.

Ritch: It's not bad, but I'm not buying a whole tub of it

now cataloupe, there's a difffernt story

me: That's your money melon.

Ritch: amen to that

The watermelon enjoys far too lofty a status.

me: Agreed.

It's just a lot of lightly sweetened liquid in a marginal melon shell.

And everyone's so excited about it, in the summer.

Plus: too big.

Never seen any picnic go through an entire melon.

Let's get on that, science.

Ritch: All very true

the big sell on watermelon- "lets carve a hole in it and pour vodka in it!"

me: Yeah.

And really, couldn't you do that with nearly anything?

I know it works with me.

Ritch: That's throwing good after bad, that's what that is

me: Sans carving the hole.

I come pre-holed.

Everything-- improved by vodka!

Ritch: There's your memoir:

"Dan McCoy: Preholed"

Mango is pretty good

it never really gets involved in the whole melon debate

and I know, it might not technically be a melon, but it deserves discussion in that family

me: Oh, man.

A mango?

Fantastic.

Ritch: It beats the pants off watermelon, that's for sure.

You ever hear of watermelon salsa?

Hell no.

Watermelon chutney?

Never

People act like watermelon is great by adding the word "fresh"

WOW- fresh watermelon?

That's the only way to eat it.

And, it tastes like water, and is a borderline racial epithet

me: Yeah, fuck that melon.

(not literally)

Ritch: It might be pretty good for that, actually.

I mean, melonwise.

Actually, that might be where the honeydew comes back into play

me: This has been "Fruit Talk" with Dan and Ritch.

Ritch: I like it

Tune in tomorrow for "Cherries: Why don't we eat them more?"

me: The answer may surprise you.

In Which a Simple Request for Writing Advice Turns Into a Disturbing Psychosexual Drama

Matt: So your partner wants to experiment with tantric sex. But let's face it, you're a busy person! You don't have 10 hours to spend on a single orgasm! You’ve got foodshopping to do, dry cleaning to pick up, and bills to pay! At the Institute for Tantric Multitasking, we can show you how to keep things going, even while you’re coming!

me: Hmn.

Matt: That's all I got so far

!

me: I like the premise, but I'm not sure about this set-up...

Matt: Oh.

That's pretty much all there is.

me: I'd need to see more.

Matt: You mean the wording.

me: Yeah, something about it seems a little schticky.

But it has good potential.

Matt: I can see that.

I like you, you're a straight shooter!

You pull no punches.

me: I do enjoy hurting things.

With weapons and without.

Matt: Great!

Well, this meeting is over.

me: Okay.

>pulls out a Hustler <

>begins furtively masturbating<

Matt: Umm, you're still in my office.

me: Oh!

Right.

Matt: I have another meeting in 5 minutes.

me: This is your office.

Matt: Could you... stop that

right

YOU visited ME

me: Don't worry, I'll be done before then!

Just a sec.

Matt: You're missing the point.

me: It'll be longer if you don't stop talking!

Matt: Hrm.

me: Hand me the trash can.

Matt: It's in back of you.

me: Too late!

Matt: This is really impolite. Oh--

Oh geez.

me: Don't worry. It's mainly just in my pants.

I call that "intra-pant ejaculation."

As opposed to the more common "extra..."

I...

I should just go.

Matt: Yes.

me: See you at the family reunion!

Matt: With bells on.

...uncle Frank.

me: >CURTAIN<
Matt: The Atlantic Theater company is going to have a BALL with this one.

This is what the Internet has wrought, people. Bored, chat-based, off-color improvisational scenes. And what do you do at work?

When Comedians Chat

Eli: the creator of LSD died today

me: He was eaten by an alligator-headed unicorn.

Eli: his last words were "it smells like purple"

c'mon, let's keep it going

his funeral will be held at the local planetarium accompanied by a Pink Floyd laser show

me: When asked how they'd pay for his funeral, relatives said "Put it on his tab."

Eli: nice

funeral goers are advised NOT to lick the program

me: The cemetery has added security to prevent people from eating the mushrooms growing on his grave.

His last words were, "I hear a white light."

(long pause)

me:

The only ones I can think of now are really stupid, like "Zombie-fearing undertakers have locked the casket to avoid acid reflux."

More than a stretch.

I need to be a joke Mr. Fantastic to stretch enough to make that work.

Eli: yeah, another one i had was "his final words were 'i finally get 2001"

but i thought that was a stretch too

me: Well, we've scientifically proven how many jokes this news story has in it.

Six.

>hangs lab coat on hook<

Time for lunch!

Eli: oh, science. is there anything you can't prove?

Too Soon?

1:50 PM me: New get-rich-quick scheme:

The Heath Ledger Memorial Leaf Hedger

only $19.95

1:51 PM Matt: how does it work?

me: It's a normal hedger, but it comes with a drug interaction warning.

1:53 PM Matt: That sounds almost as good as my Darth Vader collectible Death Hater.

Hates death for you for only 24.95.

me: That must free up a lot of time.

Matt: You'd be surprised.

I've taken up yoga again!

1:55 PM me: Or I could sell my Burgess Meredeth memorial Merges Berry-Meth.

It blends berries and meth into a delicious drug smoothie.

1:59 PM Matt: Sort of runs contradictory to your first invention, doesn't it?

2:00 PM me: Look, the idea is entrepreneurship, not baby-sitting the American consumer.

They can make their own bad choices.

2:01 PM Matt: Lord knows I learned that lesson with my Humphrey Bogart memorial Go-Karts.

2:02 PM which were fueled with... alcoholism.

me: At least consumers knew what they were getting.

2:03 PM I took a bath on those Brad Renfro memorial Rad Bren-Fros.

I mean, they knew they were rad.

And that they were some kind of fro.

But I guess "bren" was too obscure for them.

2:04 PM Matt: the public is a fickle mistress indeed.

me: I thought everyone would know that it was Old English for "burn." But I guess there's not a big enough market for radical fro burning anyway.

Matt: Take my Woody Harrelson memorial Sarrel-hons.

Sure Woody Harrelson isn't even dead

and the rest is just nonsense.

But the point remains, I have a family to feed!

me: True.

>lights up a cigar<

>sighs wistfully<

2:06 PM Maybe we're just not cut out for the celebrity death industry.

Matt: then what in the john candied world are we cut out for?

2:07 PM me: [CURTAIN FALLS]

2:08 PM [END OF ACT ONE of DAVID MAMET'S JOHN CANDY JOHN LENNON]

2:09 PM Matt: [hordes of senior citizens seen leaving the theater in disgust]

In Which I Post a Gmail Chat Transcript Which Illustrates Just How Irritating I Can Be

me: 1:28 PM HEAT ADVISORY

HEAT ADVISORY

Let me give you a little heat advice.

It's hot out.

HEAT ADVISORY!

Matt: ... thanks.

1:29 PM me: HOW DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER?!?

1:30 PM Matt: Are you okay?

Maybe you're dehydrated.

me: A thought.

1:31 PM I met Erik to give him back some video games and get some tacos...

And

lo and behold

NO TACOS

Matt: Why not

me: The stand... was GONE.

Also, Erik was late.

Matt: Wow.

1:32 PM me: Don't worry.

It has a happy ending.

Erik showed up 6 minutes later, and I gave him the video games.

And I went elsewhere...

to get...

a BURRITO.

1:33 PM I'm thinking of making it into a movie.

1:35 PM The Day the Taco Was a Burrito

Or

The Burritoening

Or

Where's Erik? AND MY TACOS?

1:36 PM Or

Matt: As a friend

me: Pride and Prejudice

Matt: I'm telling you

stop now

me: Stop pre-production on said film?

Or stop bugging you?

1:37 PM Matt: Well, ideally, both.

For, neither will end well.

me: >sigh<

Well, see you later.

1:38 PM Matt: Vaya con dios.

In Which I Post a Gmail Chat Transcript Which Illustrates My Tendency to Waste Time With Pointless Gibberish

New status message: used gravel for sale - in original shrinkwrap

matt.koff: I'll take some

me: $12 for four pieces.

matt.koff: hmm
how... big are the pieces

me: gravel-sized

matt.koff: Isn't that kind of unreasonable
what were they used for?

me: Look, if you're not interested, move along.

matt.koff: WHAT WERE THEY USED FOR, ANSWER ME

me: You're wasting my time, and blocking my business.
They were used for gravel.

matt.koff: I'LL TAKE IT

me: too late.

matt.koff: WHAT
YOU JUST PUT IT UP

me: I've promised it all to a collector in Tokyo.

matt.koff: FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
I'M SUCH AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HAD A CHANCE TO GET THAT GRAVEL AND I BLEW IT

me: It's really delicious gravel too. And totally water-absorbent.

matt.koff: DGHUOIDSHF-9SVSIOUDVB

me: Plus it does taxes.

matt.koff: NO!!

me: Well, I'm off to swim in my money bin.
(I built it after selling so much gravel)

At this point, both parties lose interest and go off to read a blog or something. Lather, rinse, repeat.