Thursday, September 29, 2005 is Officially Up

Although again, this isn't so much news since The Apiary mentioned our soft launch over two weeks ago (damn you, The Apiary, and your tireless Internet comedy journalism!), the new is officially up and running. Our soft launch has gotten hard, if you will.

I didn't want to mention it here before it was time, but our esteemed editor Frank Santopadre just removed our gag order. So here it is! Now those pining for the late, lamented Jest Magazine can get much the same thing in a much less respected format. (Suggested slogan: "It's On the Internet. You Know, Where Anyone Can Get Published!") On the other hand, now you can finally read it at work, without having to hide it inside a bulky three-ring binder, plus my friends from all across the country can see it for the first time.

I have a few pieces up there already. Check out my "Highlights From the 1st Annual Soft-Core Porn Awards." Or look at the first installment of what will theoretically be a weekly column, "Can't Miss Movie Pitches." ('Theoretically' in the sense that it will likely continue until I, or you, get tired of it.)

Plus my status has been bumped up from "regular contributor" to the much more exciting "regular contributor with a silly picture on the website." I still get paid the same per-piece rate, though. So start buying Jest merchandise, so we can shamelessly dilute the integrity of the product and begin getting rich off this thing.

In conclusion, is one of the few places that pays me to write. Granted, they don't pay much, but their intentions are good. Please: support me by supporting them. If you continue to support such endeavors, then perhaps together we can eventually create a better world, where I don't have a shitty day job.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Congratulations, Amanda!

I was keeping this under my hat for a while, until I was completely sure it was okay to say something, but since The Apiary has reported on it, I suppose there's no reason not to go ahead and post this:

Huge congratulations are in order for Amanda Melson, my friend and fellow Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You writer, who recently landed an honest-to-goodness job writing comedy for television. She's working on Greg Giraldo's Friday night evening of stand-up, on Comedy Central, which you can see starting this Friday at 8:30 PM. Just last week she got to live out the comedian's dream of dropping her day job for a dream job, and they've already put her to work spinning comedy gold.

Instead of the bitter gnashing of teeth that traditionally comes with a peer's success, I feel only great joy regarding Amanda's new position. Why? (You may well ask.) Because Amanda's the bees knees, foolish blog-reader! She's funny and quick with a brilliant comedic suggestion, but never precious about her own stuff, and she's one of the kindest people I know. She's paid her dues, people! She deserves every success. I simply cannot say enough good things.

So congratulations, Amanda. We're proud of you.

(And everyone who's not Amanda-- come on down to SSIOWY this Saturday at 8 to see Amanda in action, before she becomes too big to ever talk to us again.)

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Two Big Shows This Week

In Sara's own words:

This coming Saturday, October 1, we've got a HUGE SSIOWY planned!

We've got cooking, great music, my bachelorette party, Law & Order - what more can you want? Come celebrate afterwards at Slainte, both to celebrate almost 2 years of doing SSIOWY, and to send Chris and I off as we are leaving to get married on Oct 6! If all that wasn't enough, some important people are coming, so if you've been meaning to come check it out, Oct 1 is the one!

Here are the details:

Saturday, October 1, 8 p.m.

CELEBRITY GUEST: Laurie Woolever, Cook / Food Writer - Laurie will be doing a live cooking segment on the show! (Laurie was also the assistant to Mario Batali and also a cook for many famous types, so she will have many juicy stories to tell!)

MUSICAL GUEST: Valley Lodge - do NOT miss this band, they are fantastic and did I mention adorable?


WHERE: Juvie Hall Sketch Comedy Theatre, At The Gene Frankel Theater, 24 Bond St., btw Bowery & Lafayette

TICKETS: Tickets $8, available through Smarttix: 212-868-4444,, or at door.

Also, I will be getting interviewed at a live talk show this week. Why am I important enough to be interviewed? God only knows. Yet again, I'll let the show's titular hosts tell you about it in their own words:

Do you like everything? Then you'll love anything! And since The Cocktail Hour is something, you should be there!

Guests? Don't mind if I do.

Writer/Artist Benjamin Birdie

Dan McCoy (Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, Jest Magazine, Saturday Night Rewritten)

Did you know Devon might be a covert government agent? D'Arcy seems to think so. Find out the truth this Friday, Sept. 30th @ midnight. $5. Free soda and a slice of pizza.


Juvie Hall
24 Bond St.

Monday, September 26, 2005

The Greatest Sketch in the History of Time

This was a collaborative effort between me, Devon T. Coleman, and Brock Mahan; and it is, as the title suggests, the greatest sketch in the history of time...

'SCOPE MOUTHWASH TRIAL" by devon, brock, & dan

Hello. I'm a Historian. This year marks the 80th anniversary of the Scopes Monkey Trial-- but very little attention is paid to the trial that happened immediately after: The Scope Mouthwash Trial. Let's go there now. You know. Not really. Through the magic of reenactment. Which is also not actual magic.


PROSECUTOR enters. SCOPE sits on the stand.

Scope Mouthwash, is it true that you are intelligently designed to reduce plaque and leave people's mouths feeling fresh?

Yes, yes I was.

I rest my case.

JUDGE bangs his gavel.

Scope Mouthwash, I hereby find you guilty of promoting good dental hygiene. And sentence you to be used after every meal. Case dismissed!


This was the most significant mouthwash trial since the Listerine Baby Kidnapping. For me, I'm a historian.

DOCTOR enters.

Poor Historian. He used to be not crazy.

There's a history of mental illness in my family.

SFX: MUTED TRUMPET (Wah wah wah waaaaaaaah)

Doctor takes out his cell phone.

Sorry, I gotta take this.
Historian, it's the governor! Good news, you're not crazy anymore!


Doctor and The Historian high five.


Yes, my friends, you have now read the greatest sketch in the history of time. Try to keep living, knowing that your joy will never be topped.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Dan at Church Basement this Monday the 19th

Just a reminder that I will be reading something at Church Basement this Monday. What is this "something" I will be reading? I don't know. Come and see the ill-planned-ness.

And now, because I am lazy, I will post, nearly verbatim, the promotional email that the C.B. guys sent to remind me...

The Church Basement returns this Monday Sept. 19th at 8pm with a fantastic lineup. Our guests will be:

Roger Hailes - Comedian and Franz Ferdinand backup singer
James Stahl - Silky Smooth Poet and Quite a Lover
Dan McCoy - Writer for Saturday Night Rewritten and Sara Schaefer Is Obsessed With You
Mike Dunn - Blogger Extraordinaire and Budding Attorney

Plus other guests and your always fantastic hosts. 8pm start time, Beers are only 3 bucks! See you there. -Your Hosts: Nick Higgins, Jack Kukoda, & Matt Yeager

Church Basement Reading Series
@ Micky's Blue Room
Ave. C, btw. 10th & 11th

Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, This Saturday the 17th at 8 PM

We have a great show this Saturday (note this is not our usual Friday night slot). Hope you can make it out.


Celebrity Guest: BRYAN TUCKER (writer for Chris Rock, Chapelle Show, and now Saturday Night Live!)
Musical guest: VALLEY LODGE

And as always...someone who's been on Law & Order!

Juvie Hall Sketch Comedy Theatre
(beneath the Gene Frankel Theater)
24 Bond Street,
btw Bowery & Lafayette
In lovely Noho, Manhattan
Very near the Broadway/Lafayette and Bleeker Street subway stations.
Tickets $8, through Smarttix 212-868-4444,, or at the door

Last time Sara got shot by a mustachioed man, and I wore a sombrero and a white jump suit. What madness lies in store this time?

And, because I jus' loves recycling old material, here are a few unused monologue jokes.

FEMA chief Michael Brown, cited prior emergency-management experience in an official biography but his duties were "more like an intern," according to a Time magazine report. Perhaps that explains why, while many refugees have not been given food, they have been fetched plenty of coffee.

This Thursday, while touring the destruction resulting from Hurricane Katrina, Vice President Cheney stopped to take some questions from reporters. During the live, televised interview a passer-by shouted out, "Go fuck yourself, Mr. Cheney." I think the suggestion was only fair, as the Vice President is one of the few people who hasn't already been fucked by Dick Cheney.

The Dixie Chicks, Sheryl Crowe, and Paul Simon were just a few of the music stars who performed in this Friday's televised Hurricane Katrina benefit, titled Shelter From The Storm: A Concert For The Gulf Coast. It was an inspiring event, despite the questionable inclusion of The Scorpions, playing Rock You Like A Hurricane.

According to a study, children who were asked to shop for a Barbie doll's big night out were more likely to choose cigarettes if their parents smoked, and beer if their parents drank. Children who were more likely to undress the Barbie doll were named Dan.

This year's Emmys will feature an "American Idol"-style competition, wherein singers and television stars perform TV theme songs, with viewers voting for their favorites. Some of the planned performances include William Shatner and Frederica von Stade teaming up to sing the theme from "Star Trek," Megan Mullaly and and Donald Trump singing the "Green Acres" tune, and Dick Clark performing Diff'rent Strokes.

Elijah Wood, best known for his starring role as Frodo in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, has landed the role of a young Iggy Pop in a new movie. The name of the movie? Lust for Miscasting.

Thursday, September 08, 2005


If you have some time to kill, I suggest you check out George Bush's Prayer For Relief over at Radar Magazine online. It's written by official Friend of Dan and Whither Laffs-link-list-member Frank Lesser who wrote what, for my money, is one of the funniest things Jest Magazine ever published, Letter From a Historically Black Clown College.


I think 70's House would be a better show if it was just Hugh Laurie wearing bell bottoms.