Sunday, November 23, 2008

The Flop House Episode #27 is ONLINE!

It's the 27th episode, and we're discussing 27 Dresses. Coincidence? Yes. We're neither that clever nor that well-planned. But enjoy as our chick flick discussion leads us to make several lazy jokes based on gender stereotypes that we don't believe, because we are also hacks. Meanwhile, Stuart does his Josh Brolin impression, Elliott gives a fun fact about Japanese brides, and an innocent remark by Dan turns into a horrifying sexual come-on.

0:00 - 0:32 - Introduction and theme.
0:33 - 2:15 - Facial hair is much discussed.
2:16 - 32:22 - We talk about the Katherine Heigel rom-com 27 Dresses, and show our affinity for the material by staying on-topic almost never. Also: boobs.
32:23 - 36:30 - Final judgments, in which 27 Dresses manages to SHATTER the Flop House categories.
36:31 - 46:17 - The sad bastards recommend. Plus, we learn another famous person Elliott has had tangential interactions with. And also: even more boobs.
46:18 - 48:46 - November-December is Flop House listener pledge drive season - but you don't have to pay us in cash-- just recruit new listeners.
48:47 - 51:30 - We write the great lost sex comedy, "Lustache."
51:31 - 52:55 - Goodbyes, theme, outtakes, and a whole heck of a lot more boobs.

Press the play button above to listen to this episode
Download Mp3

Paste into iTunes (or your favorite podcatching software) to have new episodes of The Flop House delivered to you directly, as they're released.

Wikipedia synopsis of 27 Dresses

As promised, here are the photos of Stuart and his new mustache. Send us your opinions of who Stuart looks like to theflophousepodcast (at) gmail (dot) com.

The glare from Stu's mustache is enough that even he must squint.

Stuart is the thoughtful king of bad movies, adjudicating like Solomon of old.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Final "You, Your World, and You" Post

I just realized that I hadn't posted the last couple of sketches I wrote for our political sketch show at The Magnet. So here they are. And a bonus-- the second one was never produced! (Because someone else wrote a much funnier hologram sketch.) So you're getting a peek behind the scenes. Aren't you special?*

Newsdesk McCain Announcement

And now, here with an important announcement is former presidential candidate, Senator John McCain.

Thank you Dan. Jon. I’m glad to be here. My friends, we face the greatest crisis in recorded history, and if we don’t take decisive action, we may face grave consequences for the next four—perhaps even eight—years. That’s why I am suspending my campaign to rush to Washington and deal with the “me not being elected president” crisis.

Um… I’m sorry, Senator … that’s not suspending your campaign. You just lost.

Gosh, Dan. I guess I just have a little more faith in America than you. I believe anything is possible—even my winning the election after everyone has called it for Obama, including me, in my concession speech. We can talk and talk about who had more “ballots” with whose “name” on them, but the fact remains that this is the worst me-not-being-elected crisis in nearly a century.

Nearly a century, huh? And before then?

Before then I wasn’t born. You could argue that was nothing but one long, tragic period of me-not-being-elected-president, but I’m not here to talk semantics. I’m here to make sure that the failures of Wall Street don’t affect those on Camelback Street.

Camelback Street?

That’s the street where I live. Or one of them. I have seven houses. At any rate, I appear to be the only one doing anything about this severe me-not-being-elected issue. We can’t put our heads in the sand people! If we continue to do nothing, I will continue to not be elected! That’s why I’m calling on my opponent, Barack Obama, to suspend his presidency, at least for now.

And then what?

And then I will sneak into the White House late at night and lock the doors.

All right. Senator John McCain, everyone!

Wolf and the Holograms

WOLF BLITZER stands on stage. JESSICA YELLIN stands to his side.

Welcome back to election night on CNN; I’m Wolf Blitzer. And now for a special treat: it’s correspondent Jessica Yellin, beaming in as a hologram.

Wolf turns to face where he thinks Jessica is, but he’s off by a good 45 degrees.

Jessica this is just amazing, it’s like you’re right here in the…

A STAGEHAND runs up on stage, and, placing his hands on Wolf’s shoulders, re-centers him so that he’s now facing her correctly.

(starting over)
Jessica, this is just amazing, it’s like you’re right here in the studio. So, tell us about the election.

First, Wolf, let me tell you a little bit about this new technology. Remember the early 90’s when holograms were all over? On National Geographic covers, in museum gift shops, or fighting against evil cartoon band The Misfits?

I certainly do. I still have the lunchbox. But the election…

In a second. Well, this technology is nothing like that. It’s more like the late 90’s when Matrix parodies were all over, and they simulated perspective by putting cameras in a circle around the subject. It has nothing to do with holograms at all.

Fascinating. Do you have any poll results?

None whatsoever.

None Jessica?

None Wolf. Oh! But I would like to remind the viewers at home to put on their 3D glasses… now!

Jessica suddenly RUNS to the front of the stage, then runs back, and then RUNS up again, sticking her arms into the audience in a faux-3D effect.

Okay, well, Jessica, I hope you don’t mind if we turn away from you for a moment, and turn our attention to Hank Dodd, our political analyst, who is currently reporting from the CNN 9000 state-of-the-art IsolationTank. Such tanks have been known to re-center and focus your thoughts, so we’re looking forward to some trenchant analysis. Hank, can you hear me?

Jessica recedes to the back of the stage, staring at her hands, like a stoned person.

HANK ENTERS—split stage with Wolf and Hank both face-forward, talking.

Wolf? Hello?

Yes hello?


Hank, can you hear me?

I can’t hear you Wolf

(to stagehand)
I can’t… can we do something...?

Wolf, I’m just going to assume you’re talking to me, because I can’t hear you, because I’m in an isolation tank. It is dark and wet and lonely in here. I’m beginning to wonder whether I’m being punished for something.

(to viewers)
Okay, I don’t think Hank can hear us, but we’re working on the problem.

If anyone’s listening, I don’t know if you’ve seen the movie Altered States, but if I turn into some sort of ape man or lava monster, please give my love to my wife.

My producers are now telling me that breaching the isolation tank, to talk to him directly, would ruin the integrity of any tank insights. Personally, I feel actually being able to hear…

The Stagehand runs up and hands wolf a BUCKET, with a NOTE, which Wolf READS.

Okay, I’ve just been handed what this note says is an “Isolation Helmet.” I assume that if I put this on, I will be able to contact Hank in the tank.

Wolf puts the bucket over his head.

Hello, Hank?
(waving his arms)
I can’t see or hear anything. Hello?

(singing, sadly)
All by myself… Don’t wanna be… all by myself… anymore.

Wolf takes off the bucket.

Well, obviously, that Isolation Helmet just isolated ME from everyone. Why…?

Wolf, is today Election Day? I’ve lost all sense of time and space. But I have recovered some previously lost memories of my father.
(suddenly screaming)

Okay, let’s move on.


WOLF (cont’d)
Next we turn to our field reporter David Pierson. David?

I’m here Wolf.

Where… are you?

(V.O.) I’m all around you. CNN downloaded my brain into millions of tiny nanobots.

What are…?

Tiny robots, Wolf. Nearly as small as an atom, with the power to self-replicate. I’m swarming around you right now—a microscopic, but deadly, hive mind.

Deadly? Why deadly?

Because I’m small enough to enter your bloodstream, Wolf. As a self-replicating robot, the nanobot part of me views you only as a potential source of raw materials. My human half is trying to convince myself not to eat you from the inside, but right now I’m more robot than man.

Okay, for those just joining us, CNN has gone mad with power and have potentially doomed me in their insane quest for news innovation. Do you have any election information to report, David?

I’m kinda busy trying to keep from killing you, Wolf.

Could we get someone to take care of this nanobot problem before we all die?

The Stagehand runs in with a can of RAID and begins spraying it into the air. After a moment, he reacts as if he’s being bitten by thousands of tiny bugs, swatting at them. He then starts seizing up as if he’s being eaten from the inside.

Jessica reacts to the Stagehand’s convulsions as if it’s her cue, and she begins running back and forth to the audience again.


(eating noises)

Wolf looks at the total chaos around him, and then addresses someone in the booth.

Okay, that’s it. I’ve had it up to here with the holograms, isolation helmets, and killer robots! I don’t need this! I have an awesome name and an awesome beard. CNN, fuck you. I quit.


A beat.

And now we turn to election analyst John King, who is frozen in carbonite.


*answer: probably not

"Fruit Talk" With Dan & Ritch

Ritch's new status message - Honeydew melon is the scourge of the fruit salad.

me: And how.
Ritch: I had thought that citrus was the worst, but when they just layer the bottom with honeydew, then throw a kiwi, a few blueberry and a grape on top you're getting hosed.

me: You figure honeydew is a cheap crop?
I guess it has to be.
The way they throw it around.
Seems weird though, since all melons have to take up a lot of space.

Ritch: right

me: Honeydew is like someone soaked some Styrofoam in rose water.

Ritch: It's not bad, but I'm not buying a whole tub of it
now cataloupe, there's a difffernt story

me: That's your money melon.

Ritch: amen to that
The watermelon enjoys far too lofty a status.

me: Agreed.
It's just a lot of lightly sweetened liquid in a marginal melon shell.
And everyone's so excited about it, in the summer.
Plus: too big.
Never seen any picnic go through an entire melon.
Let's get on that, science.

Ritch: All very true
the big sell on watermelon- "lets carve a hole in it and pour vodka in it!"

me: Yeah.
And really, couldn't you do that with nearly anything?
I know it works with me.

Ritch: That's throwing good after bad, that's what that is

me: Sans carving the hole.
I come pre-holed.
Everything-- improved by vodka!

Ritch: There's your memoir:
"Dan McCoy: Preholed"
Mango is pretty good
it never really gets involved in the whole melon debate
and I know, it might not technically be a melon, but it deserves discussion in that family

me: Oh, man.
A mango?

Ritch: It beats the pants off watermelon, that's for sure.
You ever hear of watermelon salsa?
Hell no.
Watermelon chutney?
People act like watermelon is great by adding the word "fresh"
WOW- fresh watermelon?
That's the only way to eat it.
And, it tastes like water, and is a borderline racial epithet

me: Yeah, fuck that melon.
(not literally)

Ritch: It might be pretty good for that, actually.
I mean, melonwise.
Actually, that might be where the honeydew comes back into play

me: This has been "Fruit Talk" with Dan and Ritch.

Ritch: I like it
Tune in tomorrow for "Cherries: Why don't we eat them more?"

me: The answer may surprise you.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

The Flop House Movie Minute #16 - Missed Connections

We present this alternate, much shorter, version of the Al Pacino film 88 Minutes.

Press the play button above to listen to this episode
Download Mp3

Paste into iTunes (or your favorite podcatching software) to have new episodes of The Flop House delivered to you directly, as they're released.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

The Flop House Episode #26 is ONLINE!

It's a new day in America, and what better way to celebrate the first African-American president than with Al Pacino's thriller 88 Minutes? What, you don't understand why that's appropriate? Maybe that's because you're racist. Meanwhile, Dan makes a baldfaced plea for sponsorship, Elliott proves his facility with numbers (as long as they're in the titles of movies), and the ghost of Stuart looms large over the episode.

0:00 - 0:30 - Introduction and theme.
0:31 - 5:02 - We explain why we're the dynamic duo this week, and talk about how much we miss Stuart. Also: we engage in the name-droppiest name dropping yet, as Elliott tells the story of the time he met PRESIDENT ELECT BARACK OBAMA.
5:03 - 32:52 - We talk about 88 Minutes, the movie that is a worse example of real-time filmmaking than Nick of Time, and a far worse example of post-mortem semen-swapping than Presumed Innocent.
32:53 - 37:25 - Final judgments, plus a brief side-track into dream analysis.
37:26 - 45:43 - The sad bastards recommend.
45:43 - 46:32 - We talk about Stuart some more. Jeez! Why don't us guys get a room, already!
46:33 - 49:03 - Goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

Press the play button above to listen to this episode
Download Mp3

Paste into iTunes (or your favorite podcatching software) to have new episodes of The Flop House delivered to you directly, as they're released.

Wikipedia synopsis of 88 Minutes

Tuesday, November 04, 2008


In honor of Election Day, here's a rerun of the politically themed Captains in Space webisode, "The Venusian Candidate."

And for more vaguely political nonsense, click HERE.

More Sketches

Some scripts from You, Your World, and You-- the politically themed sketch show I co-write and perform in-- just in time for Election Day! Oh, and your last chance to see the show is this November the 9th at 8:30, at the Magnet Theater.



And now, Shameful Display presents: Four Democrats Wait for Election Day.

LIGHTS UP on FOUR DEMOCRATS. PAUL stands, pacing back and forth, while SUE checks a computer. GROVER sits center stage, rocking in a chair, in a near-fetal position. LARS sits with his back to the audience, holding his hands on his head.

Lars sits in such a way as to obscure the fact that the actor’s head is hidden beneath his jacket, and what seems to be his head is an INFLATED BALLOON in a WIG.


    He’s gonna fuck it up. He’s gonna fuck it up. He’s gonna fuck it up. He’s gonna fuck it up. I don’t know how, but somehow he’s gonna fuck it up…


    Shut up, Grover. Obama is not going to lose this election… Is he?


    I dunno… The latest Gallup poll has McCain gaining half a point in Virginia.


    Half a point!?

      (punches Sue)

    In Virginia!?

      (punches Sue again)

    I can’t take this! How long ‘til Election Day?


    26 hours, sixteen minutes, and 36 seconds!


    GAAH! I’m going crazy! Why didn’t you let me build that time machine, and leap into the future to make sure that Obama wins the election, like I wanted?!


    We’ve been over this! We don’t know the ramifications of such time travel! What if Obama winning is contingent on you not knowing he wins? And thus, the very act of you observing him winning the election prevents him from winning? It’s elementary butterfly effect, Paul!

They both look at Grover and notice that he’s methodically drawing a knife across his forearm in parallel lines.


    My God, Sue—Grover’s cutting again!

They run over and struggle to disarm him.


    No! It’s the only thing that keeps my mind off politics!

They disarm him, but Grover escapes through the back of the stage SLAMMING the DOOR. Sue and Paul follow, and pound on it.


      (ad libbing)

    Grover! Grover! Open up! It’s not worth it! (etc.)


    I just can’t take it any more!

The door opens. Grover stumbles back onstage, his arms COVERED IN BLOOD.


    Red! Everything’s red! MY ARMS ARE COVERED IN RED STATES!

He collapses. Sue runs offstage and returns with bandages, which she uses on Grover.


    It’s not as bad as it looks. But he’ll probably be in a coma until after the election.


    Lucky bastard.

He looks over at Lars, in the corner.

PAUL (cont’d)

    Sue, what’s happening to us? This election is tearing us apart. We need to relax, and let the chips fall where they may. I mean, look at Lars, here, sitting so calmly. He’s not tense at…

Paul has walked over to Lars to pat him on the head. However, he has a concealed pin in his hand and he POPS the balloon, simulating Lars’ HEAD EXPLODING.





    Halloween was this Friday, and many adults still enjoy getting dressed up. Here with a post-Halloween editorial is one such holiday fan, Sally Sandberg. Sally?

SALLY ENTERS, wobbling. She is dressed like Sarah Palin. She holds a beer.


    Sally, are you drunk?


    Fuck yeah, dicknose! It’s Halloween!


    Halloween was two days ago.


    You’re two days ago! Shut your news-hole and let me talk.

      (to audience)

    Halloween. Some use it to indulge their love of fake blood, while others put their breasts on display without fear of social judgment. For me, it’s a competition. A way to show that I’m the awesome-est, through my choice of Halloween costume. Or it would be if every motherfucker on Earth didn’t steal my ideas!

      (to Dan)

    Like this year—okay, can you guess what I went as?


    Uh… Glasses… jacket... Sexy accounts payable representative?


    No, cockwad.

      (upper North American accent)

    I don’t know if I agree with your police work there, Ed.


    I’m guessing you’re Sarah Palin, but I dunno why you’re doing lines from Fargo.


    It’s the only way I can do the accent! Anyway, she might say that… to, like, the state trooper she had fired… You know what? Shut the hell up. Anyway, I go to this party, and I’m having a good time—until… guess what five other bitches were dressed as there. Just guess. Guess, Dan.


    Oh, I can talk? Uh… I dunno. Sarah Palin.


    You’re a real asshat, Dan. Yes. Yes, I don’t know who told you, but they were dressed as Sarah Palin. Just like I don’t know who told these bitches that I would be dressed as Sarah Palin, so they could steal my costume and ruin my night.


    Wait, Sally, you think these women stole their costume idea from you?


    OF COURSE THEY DID, DAN, you buttlick. What else could’ve happened? I had been working on my Sarah Palin costume for months! I had the glasses! I had the red 150-grand lady-suit! I had it all! And these whores took my idea! And, worse yet, the dudes at the party stole my boyfriend’s idea too!


    Which was…?


    The Joker.


    Has it ever occurred to you that this might happen because these costumes are, in fact, quite popular?


    Yeah, they’re popular because EVERYONE’S STEALING MY IDEAS. God! This has been going on forever! My gay cowboy costume… Napoleon Dynamite… Jack Sparrow… that time I went as a hanging chad… when I went as Y2K… Austin Powers… The Macarena… Laura Palmer… Rubix Cube… New Coke… Coke II… Crystal Pepsi… Even when I was a baby and my parents dressed me up as Princess Leia! People have been stealing that one ever since!


    Okay, well you’ve sure been a trendsetter. I hope you have better luck next year.


    Oh, yeah! I already have it all picked out. Guess what I’m going as!

Dan writes “IRON MAN 2.” on a piece of paper. As she talks, he holds it up.


    Iron Man 2!

      (she sees the paper and reacts, angry)

    Oh you ballmunch! You’re not stealing my idea!

She attempts to punch Dan in the face, then suddenly tries to make out with him.


    Get off me! The Joker’s backstage! Cut it out! Sally Sandberg, everyone!

Sunday, November 02, 2008

TONIGHT! Last Show Before the Election

With special warm-up comic Elliott Kalan, writer for The Daily Show With Jon Stewart!