Happy Friday the 13th!

I will be celebrating it by slaughtering you, after the audience watches you disrobe.

Valentine Advice From a Friend

My friend Frank Lesser wrote this helpful relationship guide to getting along with your genie, just in time for Valentine's Day. Why don't you run over to Slate and check it out?

Happy Inauguration

So I applied for a job freelancing for the ONN a while back. I didn't get it (although my friend Matt Koff did, so congratulations to him), but there were a few pitches I was pleased with (despite me having to write my entire packet in the weekend directly preceding Christmas and traveling home to Illinois). Anyway, one of them was inauguration-related, so I thought I'd post it here, since the joke will be out-of-date hereafter:

Lost MLK Speech: "I Have a Dream My Birthday Not be Overshadowed by Inauguration of First Black President."

I am HILARIOUS.

Anyway, speaking of the inauguration, I think people are being a little hard on former president Bush, so I'd like to take a moment to offer this positive message to George: Mr. President, if you prefer, you can go ahead and let the door hit you on the the ass on your way out.

Okay, that's all I've got.

The Flop House Movie Minute #18 - Misfit Toys

Christmas specials under the microscope.

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The music you hear in this episode is Hark the Herald Angels sing, as performed by Doug Hammer on the album Noel, courtesy of Feels Like Christmas, which provides free Christmas music for personal and nonprofit use.

May Day Cards

A Solemn Announcement

I have a terrible announcement. Sadly, I will not be updating this blog anymore, as I unfortunately passed away at 3:38 eastern time, today, Tuesday April 1. As many of you know, I had been struggling with lupus for many years, and the strain grew too much for me. I am tragically survived by my wife and small cat. In lieu of flowers, I request that you send checks made out directly to the Manatee Repopulation Fund. And now, a moment of silence for myself.
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APRIL FOOLS!
HA HA HA!
I GOT YOU!
FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU WERE FOOLED GOOD!
I BACKED UP A BIG TRUCK OF APRIL FOOLS AND PARKED IT ON YOUR FOOL ASS!
YOU WERE PASTA FAZFOOLED!
FOOL!
YOU ARE SUCH A FOOL THAT I PITY YOU.
I PITY THE FOOL THAT IS YOU.
I BET YOU CAN SEE THE SUN GOING DOWN AND THE WORLD SPINNING ROUND, BECAUSE WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE CURRENTLY ON A HILL, YOU ARE A BIG FOOL!
YOU KNOW WHAT'S COOL? STAYING IN SCHOOL.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S NOT COOL? YOU. FOR THE REASON THAT YOU ARE A FOOL!
STICK IT UP YOUR FOOL!
YOU ARE THE CHILD OF A DONKEY AND A HORSE, EXCEPT YOU ARE A FOOL INSTEAD OF A MULE (ALTHOUGH TO GET TECHNICAL ABOUT IT, YOU ARE A MULE)!
LOOF IS WHAT YOU WOULD READ WHEN YOU WRITE YOUR OWN NAME IF YOU WERE DYSLEXIC!
THESE FOOLISH GAMES ARE TEARING FOOL APART!
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!

HA HA HA! THIS WAS AN EVEN GREATER PRANK THAN THAT GMAIL TIME THING!

>pant pant<
>wheeze<

God I hate this holiday.

Vacation

You may have noticed that Unca Dan's Comical Funnies were on St. Patrick's Day break yesterday. We will be back next week with new comic goodness. In the meantime, we hope you had a pleasant holiday watching Leprechaun in Da Hood.

Unca Dan's Comical Funnies Are the True Patriots

UDCF is taking a break for Presidents' Day. In the meanwhile, take this opportunity to meditate on some of our greatest leaders' famous sayings.

Dorky Valentine Greetings

In Which I Discourse on Morbid Days of Celebration

(This is an old piece, but never-before published. Should it have stayed that way? You be the judge)

July 14 is Bastille Day, or the “French Fourth of July.”[1] While America’s Independence Day is known for men in trucker hats singing “Proud to be an American,” Bastille Day celebrates the classic French values of Liberté, Egalité, and Guillotining. Especially guillotining.

Yes, although technically Bastille Day memorializes the storming of the Bastille, it is mostly remembered for all the neck-severing that followed. No one can sever the hell out of a neck like Frankie Frenchman (“Françoisie”?). Still, we shouldn’t be so hard on our Gallic cousins—that’s so “early days of the Iraq war.” Decapitation is as good a reason to get off work as any, and besides, there are plenty of other...

Holidays Based on Killing

Good Friday: (Date: The Friday before Easter Sunday)

Sure it’s undermined by the “resurrection” thing, but no list of holidays based on killing would be complete without Good Friday. It’s devoted to the killing of one guy, and the guy in question happens to be God.That’s damn impressive. Say what you will about the Romans, but they were dynamite at aqueducts and deicide.

On the downside, Jesus named this his second-least favorite holiday.[2] We quote:

“What? They celebrate the day I died, and they’re calling it Good Friday? I don’t care if it is ironic, like when you call a fat guy ‘tiny.’ It’s just tacky.

-Source: Interview Magazine, “Just a Closer Talk
with Thee.” Oct. 1978

How does one celebrate Good Friday? The traditional Christian ritual is as follows. (1.) Go to TGI Fridays. (2.) Order a platter of the jalepeno poppers. (3.) Consume entire plate. (4.) Repeat until cleansed of sin and/ or money.

MEMORIAL DAY: (Date: the last Monday of May)

Strictly speaking, this holiday is less about killing than remembering the dead. However, without the killing, there would be no-one to remember, no federal holiday, and consequently no reason for Spike TV to schedule 24 hours of James Bond.

This is the day when we remember those who died for our country by getting drunk on Sunday night, grilling beer-soaked pig-flesh, and watching 76.2 hours of The Indianapolis 500. I like to think their rotting corpses would’ve wanted it that way.

NEW YEAR’S DAY: (Date: January 1—duh, genius.)

Although the death of the New Year is largely symbolic (time being a human construct, which would totally blow your mind if you were stoned), don’t kid yourself. New Year’s is more about death than anything by Judas Priest.

I’m not talking about mixing champagne with Jagermeister and choking on regurgitated black-eyed peas (good luck my ass). I’m talking about baby new-year and old man old-year. Sure, baby may look cute in his little “2005” sash, as if he’s just won some pediatric beauty show. But the moment your back is turned, he’ll pee right in front of grandpa 2004’s shaky feet, sending him slipping and sliding until his skull is crushed under Dick Clark’s enormous ball. And so the circle of death continues. Still, don’t worry about baby’s smug smile. The little bastard will get his.

HALLOWEEN (Date: October 31)

*Only applies if you are Michael Myers.

GUY FAWKES DAY (Date: November 5 – England)

Okay, so get this: in the 1600’s, Catholics were persecuted, so a small group plotted to blow up Parliament. They were discovered, and one of the conspirators, Guy Fawkes[3] was arrested beneath the House of Lords, and executed. 400 years later, the English still celebrate by burning him in effigy.

Way to hold a grudge, England! Geez. The modern way of showing disagreement through fire is not by burning some voodoo doll, but a more abstract symbol of the person, like their flag. Since Catholics don’t have a flag, perhaps a symbol of their faith would be appropriate? A burning cross, perhaps? Yes, I see nothing in my research to indicate that doing that would be a bad idea, or offensive to any group or persons.

THANKSGIVING (Date: the fourth Thursday in November)

Thanksgiving is very unpopular in the Turkey community. Then again, what has the Turkey community ever done for us? “Turkeys,” we say, “Unemployment is rising, our natural resources are depleted, and our president doesn’t seem to care! Help us!” “Gobble gobble,” they say. Gobble gobble? What kind of answer is that? I say, fuck ‘em.

MURDER DAY (Date: last Monday in February; February 13, Canada)

Probably the least popular of the “manufactured” holidays, Murder Day was developed in an ill-conceived brainstorming session between Hallmark Cards and Sears & Roebuck’s “knives ‘n’ firearms” department, circa 1929. An unmitigated failure, it was nonetheless a special favorite of Ladybird Johnson, who proclaimed the holiday “the killingest day of the year.” She convinced her husband, LBJ, to make it a federal holiday in 1964.

Today, after a rocky start, it has become a cash cow for Hallmark, which enjoys brisk sales the last week of February—beginning on Monday with their popular, “I’m going to gut you like a suckling pig!” line of cards, and ending that Friday with their even more popular, “I’m sorry I gutted your [family member] like a suckling pig,” line of cards. A spin-off, “Suicide Day” was less successful, owing to lack of word-of-mouth from card buyers.

SECRETARY’S DAY (Date: last Wednesday in April)

Also known as Administrative Professional’s Day.

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[1] Incidentally, their decision to celebrate the 4^th on the 14^th has wrecked havoc on their calendar. For instance: all French women are ten days older, per year, than they claim to be. Also, for daylight savings time, instead of “springing forward” and “falling back,” the French “winter sideways.” No-one has ever been able to adequately explain what this means.

[2] His least favorite is Valentine’s Day… makes sense for a 30-year-old celibate.

[3] In 1985 Guy Fawkes was voted the third most English sounding name ever, after Sir. Neville Periwinkle Winterbottom the Third, and “Ringo.”

A Halloween Miracle

Well, not quite a miracle, but a delightful story nonetheless.

So, I was coming home from a delightful Halloween party at my friends' place* in Morningside Heights, dressed in my painstakingly accurate Shaun-from-Shaun of the Dead costume. Looking to snag a cab, I raised my cricket bat in cab-hailing formation. My wife, seeing a police car down the street, scolded me to put my bat down, apparently afraid that the fuzz would mistake us for a roving gang of cricket hooligans.

Sure enough, at the nearest light, the police car stopped, rolled down the window, and the cop in the passenger seat yelled...

"Hey! Why don't you try throwing records at the taxis!?"

Now, like most folks under the age of, say, 35, I have ambivalent feelings about the police. Living in NYC (and in not the world's nicest neighborhood) I'm always happy to see them around. Still, I have the usual fear of people with lots and lots of authority and guns.

However, this police officer not only identified my costume from 30 feet away, thought of a funny and appropriate-to-Shaun of the Dead remark, and yelled it to me. In that moment, to me, he was truly New York's finest.

Bravo, cop. Bravo.

*One of said friends being inimitable children's literature blogger Betsy "Fuse #8," who gave The Flop House a beautiful shout-out over at her School Library Journal site. Thanks to her for that, although god knows what her audience will make of the podcast. Thankfully she makes clear just how profane we tend to get.

The Flop House Episode Five is ONLINE

In the second of our special Halloween episodes, the gang gets caught in the deathtrap that is Saw III. Meanwhile, Simon spins an elaborate handstand analogy, Stuart gets turned on by Icyface, and Dan offers Jigsaw's girlfriend a little relationship advice.

Download it here, or paste theflophouse.libsyn.com/rss into iTunes (or your favorite podcatching software) to have new episodes delivered to you directly, as they're released.

0:00 - 0:40 - Introduction and the special "Halloween Remix" Flop House Theme
0:40 - 2:31 - Partial synopsis of Saw III, courtesy of Wikipedia
2:32 - 29:49 - Does unremitting torture and pain appeal to you? Then, why not watch Saw III, so you can experience a little of it? ZING! You got zinged, Saw III!
29:50 - 32:53 - Final judgements.
32:54 - 36:57 - The sad bastards recommend.
36:58 - 39:00 - THE SHOCKING DENOUMENT!
39:01 - 43:00 - Podcasty business, next show teaser, goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

Halloween Video Cavalcade!

I used to be part of a monthly talk show called "The Primetime Kalan," with my friends Elliott and Erik. Last year around this time, we had our Halloween show, which we hosted as "Ghost Hunting Club of New York," three paranormal scholars who went to various locations in the NY area, trying to catch a ghost. (A side note: our guest for that show was The Daily Show's Dan Bakkedahl, who showed up in a helmet and knee pads, claiming that he thought we were the "Go Stunting" club.)

Anyway, it's taken a year for them to show up online, but here, for the very first time, are the Primetime Kalan Ghost Hunting Videos! (Cinematography courtesy of Brock Mahan)

Video One: "Grant's Tomb" - by Elliott Kalan



Video Two: "The Jersey Devil" - by Dan McCoy



Video Three: "The Yeti of Williamsburg" by Erik Marcisak



And, as a special bonus, I offer this fourth video. It was done by Elliott, Erik, and former show director-turned-Flavor-of-Love-editor Joe Guercio long before I was involved with the Kalan show. Still, you can see that this video share many of the same themes from the ghost hunting shorts (for instance, the conviction that pipes, 80's-style montages, and Photoshop are the tickets to comedy success), proving that it was inevitable that I'd join the group eventually.

Just one bit of background: R2-D2 was Elliott's "co-host" on his show, until they decided to abandon that bit. This video was produced to explain his absence from the show, but you don't really need to know that to enjoy the video, other than one or two stray comments.

WARNING: Do not watch if you are sensitive to violence against robots

"The End of R2-D2"

Things I Did Over Memorial Day Weekend...

Recreated the poster for Local Hero.

In Which I Celebrate Groundhog Day in My Traditional Fashion

I Like to Deliver My Messages in Hat Form

In Which I Offer Some Important Thanksgiving Safety Tips

As every New Yorker knows, Thanksgiving marks the invasion of Manhattan by giant cartoon characters. Safely confined within our newspaper pages and television screens at all other times, these monstrous creatures are, in a Faustian bargain, allowed to run wild in our largest city once a year.

If you are one of the unlucky residents who did not win a plane ticket out of the city in the annual lottery, you may find the following survival hints helpful this holiday weekend.

Snoopy has a beagle's enhanced sense of smell, which he will use to track you down, and crush you between his powerful jaws. To throw him off the scent, rub yourself with aniseed and Axe Body Spray.

Spongebob's powers are derived from his square pants. If you are able to trick him into wearing regular, pants-shaped pants, his magical spell will be broken, and you will be allowed to keep your first-born child.

Super Grover: As long as you don't mention that usurper Elmo, SG is cool with you.

Garfield's legendary appetite is only enhanced by his giant size, and a visit from this cat is nearly always deadly -- thus proving the old adage, "There's nothing funny about Garfield."

Clifford the Big Red Dog: If you publicly pronounce your allegiance to the Communist Party, Clifford will spare your life.

Pikachu: You can only defeat Pikachu by creating a Poké Balls to increase your Special Attacks and Special Defenses, via your protective Bulbasaur and Fuckamander or some shit like that.

Barney loves you. This makes him easy to kill.

Also, if you live between 77th and 34th on Central Park West or Broadway, just make sure you've got plenty of plastic sheets and duct tape over the windows, and you should be safe.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Halloween Part 2: The Halloweenening

In Which I Promote an Ongoing Seasonal Festival

Oktoberfest is Octofun!

That means that it's eight kinds of fun! Octo being the latin word for eight! So in the second part of that slogan the "octo" doesn't really relate to the "octo" in October, because October is the tenth month! But, incidentally, October got its name because it was the eighth month in the Roman calendar! On second thought, perhaps our slogan requires more clarification than would be ideal! Anyway, Oktoberfest is Octofun because of...

(1.) Beer!
(2.) Knockwurst!
(3.) Bockwurst
(4.) Polka bands!
(5.) Bratwurst!
(6.) Sauerbraten!
(7.) Snorkwurst!
(8.) Beer!

And did we mention the beer? There's hard cider, pumpkin flavored beer, sweet potato beer, butternut squash beer, cinnamon beer, nutmeg beer, dried stalks of corn beer, brown tree leaves beer, cardboard jack-o-lantern hung on your front door beer, sequel to the movie SAW beer, and hundreds of other flavors! With all this bounty, can you afford to have a sober October?!

So, all this month, come on down to the Scaregrounds (again, the name has nothing to do with October; it's just a typo) and bring the kids, so you have someone to drive you home.

Primetime Kalan, This Saturday! Plus, Unrelated Miscellany!

Elliott just can't stop shilling for The Primetime Kalan, and I just can't stop posting his shills!

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Hello, Kalan fans!

So apparently, this saturday is Rosh Hashanah, and apparently by scheduling my next episode of the ever-entertaning PRIMETIME KALAN on that day I've incurred the wrath of the UJA and the League of Orthodox Rabbis. But what better way is there to ring in the Jewish new year than a hilarious night of Kalan-related antics?

Exactly. And with stand-up comedy megasuperultrastar Demetri Martin and sexpert Catherine Wing in tow, it's the talk show equivalent of having your name written in the Book of Life!

Also, I think God's coming, so He probably won't get mad if you show up, too.

THE PRIMETIME KALAN
Saturday, Sept. 23rd, 8:30pm

Jimmy's No. 43

43 East 7th Street (between 3rd and 2nd Ave.)

Manhattan

Tix: $5

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Also, thanks to Fuse#8 and Oz and Ends for picking up my Wizard of Oz DVD Digest piece. Sorry that I misidentified L. Frank Baum as Frank L. Baum. If I'm gonna have children's literature people reading my site, I'm going to have to step up my research. Meanwhile, all you children's lit writers can help me out by not having a first name for your middle name. Thanks.