Sunday, August 24, 2008

The Flop House Episode #22 is ONLINE!

We're joined by comedian and blogger Sara Schaefer to discuss Vantage Point, the movie that proves that any flimsy concept can be stretched to 85 minutes with the strategic deployment of flashbacks. Meanwhile, Sara reveals her tragic film-memory affliction, Stuart poses a provocative animal question, and Dan reveals a surprising amount of Funky Winkerbean knowledge.

Guest host Sara Schaefer with the Hulkster. Can you afford not to listen to this episode?

0:00 - 0:32 - Introduction and theme.
0:33 - 2:30 - We introduce our guest co-host, leggy comedienne Sara Schaefer.
2:31 - 35:29 - We each give our vantage points on the film Vantage Point. See what I did there? I made you want to shoot yourself.
35:30 - 38:40 - Final judgments.
38:41 - 43:28 - We announce the WINNER OF THE FLOP HOUSE CONTEST!
43:29 - 47:17 - The sad bastards recommend. (Also, according to our web research, the second movie Sara recommends-- the one where she can't remember the title-- is probably Butcher Wing.)
47:18 - 52:11 - Sara plugs some stuff, and Stuart demonstrates his complete misunderstanding of the concept of plugs.
52:12 - 53:29 - Goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

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Wikipedia synopsis of Vantage Point

Dan and Sara enjoy a giant goblet of something.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Predicted Future (Unpopular) Porn Film

I apologize to everyone.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Obama's Vice Presidential Candidate: Weighing the Options

It seems like the number one question on everyone’s mind these days, other than, “Should I pre-order tickets to Beverly Hills Chihuahua now, to avoid the inevitable opening weekend rush?” is: “Who will presidential hopeful Barack Obama choose to be his running mate?”

Well, lucky for you America (and for you, Mr. Obama, wherever you’re from – as far as I’ve been able to glean from e-mail forwards, I believe it’s the Terror Province of Lower Muslimistan) you have me to guide you through the possible candidates. So let me take a moment to put on my pundit hat (a rather smart trilby, topped with a blue jay feather) and let’s get analyzing.


Former first lady. Failed Democratic presidential candidate.

PROS: Will bring in wide base of Hilary-supporters, who would otherwise be convinced that the logical alternative to a female Democratic senator is an elderly anti-choice white guy whose legislative voting history puts him 95% in agreement with George W. Bush. Because… y’know… if she’s not president they’re taking their ball and going home.

CONS: Said supporters are also probably people who watch Lifetime because it’s “Television for Women,” even though Lifetime’s idea of women’s TV is a never-ending stream of television movies about housewives who’ve had webcams secretly installed in their bathroom, pool house, and nude-lounge by that creepy guy next door. Shouldn’t Obama aim higher? At least go for Oxygen-viewers.


Olympian. Mark Spitz impersonator.

PROS: With his history-making 14 career Olympic medals and 8 medals from the Bejing Olympic – the highest single-Olympics performance – Michael Phelps may be the most popular sports figure in America right now, and could ride a post-games wave of patriotism right into the White House. Also, his freakishly large feet could distract from Obama’s freakishly large ears.

CONS: Weak on the economy.


Hong Kong action star. Death-defyer.

PROS: The McCain camp seeks to draw attention to Obama’s “otherness” through coded references to his racial identity, so why shouldn’t Obama take advantage of it, by teaming up with Jackie Chan—everyone’s favorite choice to round out an ethnically mismatched buddy duo?!

CONS: Chan getting too old to successfully perform the “jump from the top of the Washington Monument” trick required of all VP’s—at least without the aid of a stunt man.


Something something heiress. Something sex tape.

PROS: Apparently a pretty big celebrity, according to John McCain, or whatever staff member who follows pop culture from five years ago on his behalf. Also: anyone seems to be a person of substance when standing next to Paris Hilton.

CONS: In the words of Tina Fey, “Is a piece of shit.”


Former C.I.A. director. Cuban Missle Crisis survivor.

PROS: Congressional Medal of Honor winner. Worked with other democratic presidents, JFK and Lyndon Johnson. However, his main value to the Obama camp would be name recognition. Specifically, John McCain’s. McCone would be sure to bring in a statistically significant number of votes from nearsighted Republicans.

CONS: Intelligence operatives not all that popular right now. Also, is a corpse.


Popular gum. Food alternative.

PROS: The taste is gonna move ya... TO THE POLLS!

CONS: I’m clearly getting tired of writing this.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Bartlett's Forgotten Quotations

"I really think I should publish this under a more respectable name than 'Chuck Dick.'"
--Charles Dickens

"Où ce sceptre est? J'oublierais ma tête s'il ne m'a pas été attaché.
--Marie Antoinette

"Then, after the orgy, the puppet show!"

"Burn all my ten-dollar bills"
--Aaron Burr

"...In Bed."
-- Confucius

"Is it just me, or does something smell like krill?"

"Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for MY BALLS, LADIES!"
--John F. Kennedy

"I'm dying of what?"
--Marie Curie

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Summer Health Tips

  • The darker your complexion, the less susceptible you are to most types of skin cancer. So stay out in the sun until your body is a uniform rosy hue. Do not be dissuaded if this outer layer of skin peels off within a day or two. If you keep up your blackening regimen, your entire body will soon be covered with irregularly shaped protective “sun retardants.”
  • Watermelon can be a delicious treat… if you’re a racist.
  • The heat tends to effect pets and the elderly the most. One lucrative summer job is to run a “dead pool” on your local city pound and/or retirement home. Just be conscious of rolling blackouts – one deadly heat wave can throw your odds off for the whole summer. That’s what killed Bugsy Siegel.
  • Remember that, while an ice-cold beer can be refreshing, alcohol dehydrates you. If you’re planning a day in the sun, stick to dreadful, watery beers like Budweiser.
  • Close the drapes during the day, to keep heat out. Unless you live at 10 Fulton Ave., Brooklyn. Then keep leaving them open, especially when you’re in the bed and bathrooms. And don’t look too closely at the apartment across from you.
  • You know how people discuss what the “song of the summer” is? Yeah, don’t do that. It’s a leading cause of me punching you in the neck.
  • Window units may seem like an effective way to cool a room—that is, until they become sentient and murder you as a sacrifice to their horrible god, Freon the Freezestroyer. He rode a polar bear and came brandishing icicles, and when he was done with his chilly business, the rivers would have run red with blood, had they not been frozen. He knows your heart is warm, and he hates you for it.
  • Using the oven can heat up your apartment fast. Be sure to leave the oven door open to help disperse the heat. Note: this may result in longer cook times: up to 5 minutes for ground beef, and 7 minutes for chicken.
  • Turning the lights off can lead to substantial energy savings and a cooler home. It can also lead to GETTING IT ON! OH YEAAAAH.
  • Run your fucking air conditioner, you goofy sonuvabitch. What, you afraid Al Gore’s gonna beat you with a sack of windmills? Jeezus.

Gratuitous Sex Humor

Because eventually someone's gonna stop paying for the hosting/ bandwidth of the long-defunct, I present to you this old piece I wrote, via the medium of screenshots, rescued before its possible disappearance into the web-ether.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

The Flop House Movie Minute #11 - Listener Feedback

We talk with the listeners, walk with the listeners.

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Monday, August 04, 2008

Some Selections from My Popular Series of Humorous Essay Collections

So, there are fleabag motels, but has there ever been a "fleabag?" Why would anyone collect a bag of fleas?
-- Excerpt from Dannuggets: The Gentle Observational Humor of Dan McCoy

I'm trying to lose weight, so for an appetizer, I now order the "Bloomin' Green Onion."
-- Excerpt from Dan in Meal Life: The Gentle Culinary Humor of Dan McCoy

Why do they call it menstruation? Am I right, guys?
-- Excerpt from The Dan Show: The Gentle Misogynist Observations of Dan McCoy

What's the deal with Timber Wolves? They don't live in wood houses. They don't eat timber. Although, I guess if wolves were named after what they ate, they'd all be called "Rabbits and Other Small Game Wolves."
-- Excerpt from Dan is With Wolves: The Gentile Lupine Observations of Dan McCoy

I was getting arrested for breaking and entering, and I wondered, does anyone ever get arrested for just "breaking?" Like, they open the door, and figure that's enough for one day? Or maybe they just really hate locks.
-- Excerpt from Stealie Dan: The Gentle Criminal Comedy of Dan McCoy

"Living on a Prayer?" Why not just sing "I'm Between the Ages of 27-35 and Lack Imagination?"
-- Excerpt from Dan, Sing With the Stars: The Gentle Karaoke Komedy of Dan MkKoy

I call them high heels, because you've gotta be high to deal with the toe pain, right ladies?
-- Excerpt from Dan's Her in the Dark: The Gentle Cross-Dressing Humor of Dan McCoy

My buddy Ellington keeps suggesting swing time, but I can't get my wife to go for it!
-- Excerpt from Dango Reinhardt: The Gentle Jazzy Humor of Dan McCoy

Some people say that Anastasia is still alive, but I think they're just tsar losers.
-- Excerpt from Dan's Dan's Revolution: The Gentle Bolshevik Observations of Dan McCoy

Didja ever notice how Dan McCoy's always writing half-assed blog posts?
-- Excerpt from Rather Dan: The Gentile Dan-centered Danservations of Dan McDan

Sunday, August 03, 2008

The Flop House Episode Twenty-One is ONLINE

Of all the Japanese horror film remakes, One Missed Call is certainly one of them. Meanwhile, Elliott pitches a great idea for a Sixth Sense TV show, Stuart attempts to smuggle a twig and some berries, Dan announces which news anchor is the Flop House's nemesis, and we get a surprise visit from Oliver Sudden.

0:00 - 0:33 - Introduction and theme.
0:33 - 1:57 - We take a moment to discuss Stuart's choice of attire.
1:58 - 38:02 - We discuss the film One Missed Call, the movie that asks the question, "Can anything be all bad, if it involves Ray Wise?"
38:03 - 41:09 - Final judgments.
41:10 - 49:21- The sad bastards recommend.
49:22 - 51:45 - More on the Flop House contest, and goodbyes.
51:46 - 52:30 - Theme and outtakes.

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Wikipedia synopsis of One Missed Call