Recycling Center: Rejected Jokes

More jokes that didn't make it to air...

On Sunday night, the legendary New York punk rock club CBGB permanently shut down, with Patti Smith playing the last show. Smith said it was amazing that, all these years later, the walls still had some of their original vomit.

Police in Spain said Sunday that more than 17,000 minks on fur farms in northern Spain were set free overnight, making it the country's worst weasel-related disaster since the Spanish release of "Bio-Dome."

Former US representative Gerry Studds, a Massachusetts Democrat, who was the first openly gay congressman, died this past weekend. His last wish was granted when his funeral was attended by several attractive men, drawn by the sign reading "Studds Event."

A Japanese woman in her 50s gave birth to her own grandchild last year, using an egg from her daughter and sperm from her son-in-law. The results were published in The New England Journal of Ewwwwww.

Courtney Love has reportedly been telling friends that Mel Gibson is her "savior," after he came to her hotel room last year to convince her to go back into rehab. Their story will be told in the upcoming film, "What Skanky Drug-Addled Women Want."

Scientists have discovered that by examining just a few strands of hair can determine whether a person has an eating disorder. Especially if that hair is found between their teeth.

A large number of men in the United States who have married, or intend to marry mail-order brides, are being finding their wives barred from entering the US by a new law intended to give foreign women and the American government more information about the men who place these orders. Way to cock-block, US government!

Bindi Irwin, the 8 year-old daughter of Steve Irwin, is making a new wildlife series for the Discovery Kids. It will be titled "Explore the Natural World that Made Me an Orphan!"

The Vatican has endorsed a new animated film called "John Paul II, the Friend of Humanity," which chronicles the life of the last pontiff, although they wish that the voice of Robin Williams didn’t improvise so much scripture.

In an "open letter" to the media, Madonna defended her adoption of a one-year old Malawian boy, saying that she followed the country's adoption laws and that the she did not take the decision to adopt lightly. Thus, she plans to keep the baby, despite protests from the government, media, and Danny Aiello.

In Which I Place a Brief Personal Advertisement

For Sale: One slightly used Miami sound machine.

Machine generates all sorts of Miami sounds, including--

-Rustling palm trees
-Flamingo squawks
-Buzzing neon
-Motorboats
-Squishing suntan lotion
-Don Johnson

Works fine, just not really sure why I bought it. Not a huge fan of sounds in general, or Miami sounds in particular. Requires two 9-volt batteries. $5 or best offer.

--
Unrelated Reminder:
Tonight at 8 PM
Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular
@ The Sage Theater
235 W. 48th St., Suite 26 B
Manhattan

Big Weekend: Shows Tonight, Tomorrow, and Saturday!

Hey all. Tonight marks the premiere of Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular (A Sketch Show). Because tonight's show is "in previews," it will be pay-what-you-like for one night only! Otherwise, tickets are $10 at the door (2-for-1 with a student ID) or $7 via online advance purchase.

The show is running as part of MC2's Big Bang, with This Just In, an improvised show based on the news, Latch-a-Kee, a solo show set at a Native American camp for the arts, and a musical guest (on October 19 and 26 the musical guest will be Erin and her Cello; and on the 20th and 27th, it's Huckleberry Slim, the "Wu-Tang porch band").

Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular
October 19, 20, 26, & 27, at 8 pm
@ The Sage Theater
235 W. 48th St., Suite 26 B
Manhattan

I wrote 1/3 of the Scaretaculous Horrortacular, and will be acting in it. Woo. You can see it tonight and tomorrow (as well as Thursday and Friday of next week). And I promise that, after that, you'll never again see the graphic below.




Then, on Saturday, you can come see me in The Primetime Kalan, the only show hosted by Daily Show associate producer (and Metro columnist) Elliot Kalan. Written by, and featuring Elliott,
Erik Marcisak, and myself. This episode will feature special guest Dan Bakkadahl, also of The Daily Show, but in that more famous, in-front-of-the-camera way. He'll be sure to get up to some sort of shenanigans, the little scamp.

Also, Saturday's show will be a very special meeting of the Ghost Hunters' Club of New York. We will be presenting video evidence of our recent brushes with the supernatural. Attend only if you dare.

And following the show, stick around. As part of our post-Kalan "Bad Movie Night," we will be screening the classic Feeders 2: Slay Bells, in which the only thing standing between Earth and some bloodthirsty aliens, is a ray-gun toting Santa Claus. Much beer will be drunk and fun will be made. So please, come on out.














The Primetime Kalan
Saturday, October 21, 8:30 pm
@ Jimmy's 43 43
East 7th Street,
Manhattan
Tix: $5

The Primetime Kalan: This Saturday the 21st!

A new episode of The Primetime Kalan lands this Saturday. You've already heard what I have to say about it. What sez Elliott?

--

BOOO, Kalan fans!

It's October, and you know what that means! Time to get into the Halloween spirit. And what better way to do so than by seeing a comedy show ten days before the actual holiday?

Exactly. This is why, on Saturday, October 21st, THE PRIMETIME KALAN, will do something a little different, and allow the select few elite who buy tickets to our show enter the first annual meeting of the ultra-exclusive, ultra-secretive, ultra-amateur GHOST HUNTING CLUB OF NEW YORK! Experience the spine-tingling excitement of possible supernatural discovery as the GHOST HUNTING CLUB OF NEW YORK reveals the results of its latest forays into the unknown!

And as if that weren't enough, special guest DAN BAKKEDAHL ("The Daily Show") will be with us to share his own experiences with the paranormal.

Do you DARE come to this comedy show? Yes. You do.

THE PRIMETIME KALAN
Saturday, Oct. 21st, 8:30pm

@ Jimmy 43

43 East 7th Street

(between 2nd and 3rd Ave.)

Tix: $5

Recycling Center: More Zombira

So, another of my sketches got cut from Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular (for time) - which is fine, because I already had one more sketch in the mix than the other writers. Plus, this was my weakest of the ones included in the original line-up. Yet, never let it be said that I'm embarrassed to air my cast-offs like so much leftover cheese. Gentlemen and ladies, I give to you...

SAW: THE BEGINNING

Lights up on a man, ERIC, and another man, JORDAN, both in leg chains. They are just waking up. There is a hacksaw near Eric.

ERIC
(groggy)
What… where? Where are we?

JORDAN
Who are you?

ERIC
My name’s Eric P. Victimguy. I’m a doctor. Do you know why we’re chained here?

JORDAN
No, I…

SAW (V.O.)
Good morning, sleepy-heads. Dr. Eric… Mr. Jordan… I hope you two aren’t feeling too dazed from the ether...

ERIC
Damn you! Why have you kidnapped us? Let us go at once!

SAW (V.O.)
Now, now. If I let you go, then who would be left to play my game? The rules are simple. All you have to do is make a choice. At six o’clock, your wife and daughter will die, unless… you give Jordan an Indian burn.

They look at each other and shrug.

ERIC
What do you say?

JORDAN
All right. I mean it’s your wife and daughter.

ERIC
Thanks. I’ll try not to do it too hard.

JORDAN
I appreciate that.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
He terrified you in Saw. He scarified you in Saw II. You watched him in Saw III, even though you probably should have waited for video. Next Halloween, see how it all started, with “Saw: The Beginning!”

Eric gives Jordan a half-hearted Indian burn.

ERIC
So, can we go now?

SAW (V.O.)
Not so fast! You still have a choice to make! A horrifying choice, regarding your leg chains and that hacksaw.

JORDAN
What is it?

SAW (V.O.)
To escape from the chains, you need to break open the hacksaw, to find the key, which I’ve concealed inside the handle.

ERIC

How is that a horrifying choice?

SAW (V.O.)
Because you’re breaking a brand-new hacksaw! One I intended to give to you, as a souvenir!

ERIC
Uh… yeah. I think we’re okay with that.

SAW
Really? But it’s such a nice saw.

JORDAN
Hey, crazy killer guy! You should have made the choice something like, “the hacksaw isn’t strong enough to cut through the chains, but it can cut through your leg.

ERIC
Yeah, that would be diabolical.

SAW (V.O.)
Ooh, that is good. Can I steal that? I’m writing that down right now.
(to self)
…strong… enough… to cut through bone.
(to Jordan)
Wow, and you just thought of that right now? How’d you come up with it?

JORDAN
I dunno. It just came to me.

SAW (V.O.)
Listen. You wanna come work for me? Clearly I haven’t figured out how to strike the delicate balance between the horrific and the mundane. I could use a guy like you to come up with my traps.

JORDAN
Gee, I appreciate the offer, but I’m pulling down about 150 grand a year as the regional V.P. for J.C. Penney’s, so unless you can match that… plus, it’s not illegal.

SAW (V.O.)
Wow, 150? I’m not making nearly that much in serial killing.

JORDAN
Listen, though, I bet you’ll get better. You just need to put more thought into it.

ERIC
Yeah, plus—practice, practice, practice.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Before you learn to kill, you have to learn to crawl. Can you handle one man’s quest to inflict graphic inconvenience?

SAW (V.O.)
One last thing! While you were sleeping I inserted a small pebble into your left shoes. You can either go through the trouble of removing and re-tying your shoes, or you can walk around all day with the discomfort of…

While he has been talking, they have both removed their shoes, and tipped the pebbles out onto the floor, causing him to fall silent.

ERIC
See ya!

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Saw: The Beginning! Look for it next year!

BLACKOUT.

In Which I Promote an Ongoing Seasonal Festival

Oktoberfest is Octofun!

That means that it's eight kinds of fun! Octo being the latin word for eight! So in the second part of that slogan the "octo" doesn't really relate to the "octo" in October, because October is the tenth month! But, incidentally, October got its name because it was the eighth month in the Roman calendar! On second thought, perhaps our slogan requires more clarification than would be ideal! Anyway, Oktoberfest is Octofun because of...

(1.) Beer!
(2.) Knockwurst!
(3.) Bockwurst
(4.) Polka bands!
(5.) Bratwurst!
(6.) Sauerbraten!
(7.) Snorkwurst!
(8.) Beer!

And did we mention the beer? There's hard cider, pumpkin flavored beer, sweet potato beer, butternut squash beer, cinnamon beer, nutmeg beer, dried stalks of corn beer, brown tree leaves beer, cardboard jack-o-lantern hung on your front door beer, sequel to the movie SAW beer, and hundreds of other flavors! With all this bounty, can you afford to have a sober October?!

So, all this month, come on down to the Scaregrounds (again, the name has nothing to do with October; it's just a typo) and bring the kids, so you have someone to drive you home.

In Which I Engage in a Productive Email Correspondence

FROM: steviep@jmail.com
SUBJECT: RE: how you need it

With regards to your earlier query regarding the way you need it. I would like to assure you that any way you want it would be fine.

Best,
Steve

* * *

FROM: whitherlaffs@email.com
SUBJECT: RE: how you need it

Steve--

Any way I want it?

Dan

* * *

FROM: steviep@jmail.com
RE: how you need it

D - that's the way you need it, yes.

* * *

FROM: whitherlaffs@email.com
SUBJECT: RE: how you need it

Steve--

That seems awfully wide open. I find it hard to believe that absolutely any choice that I make w/r/t the way that I want it would supply me (in equal measure) with the way that I need it.

Thanks for your help clearing up this matter!

Dan

* * *

FROM: steviep@jmail.com
SUBJECT: RE: how you need it

Look, man. All I know is this-- if you want it in any way, that's how you need it.

S.

* * *

FROM: whitherlaffs@email.com
SUBJECT: RE: how you need it

Steve--

Hold on.

Hold on.

Hold. On.

What you're telling me defies logic. For instance, say that one day (A) the way I want it is with chocolate sauce and a maraschino cherry, and on day (B) I wanted it with sardines and flan. Do I truly need it the same on (B) as I do on (A)? Or what if I wanted it with knife fights, open sores, and castration. Is that really the way I need it?

Confused.

Dan.

* * *

FROM: steviep@jmail.com
SUBJECT: RE: how you need it

(guitar solo)

Recyling Center: Zombira Edition

So, in anticipation of Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular, I'm posting this rejected sketch from the show.

What do I mean, rejected? Well, in putting together the show, the other writers and I generated about twice as much material as we needed, and then cut it down to just the best stuff. This is one sketch that did not make the cut. (A decision I totally agree with, by the way-- the other sketches I wrote were much stronger.)

But why waste sub-par material? Especially since I'm feeling lazy and don't want to generate original content for this site. Thus, I'm giving you this peek behind the scenes. If you come to see Zombira, you'll see sketches sort of like this one.

Except, you know. Better.

OBVIOUS VAMPIRE SKETCH

A woman, SHARON, lies in the middle of the stage, with red fang marks on her neck. Two businessmen, SAM and DAVE, ENTER.

SAM
So that’s why I’ll never put that particular part of my body in the copy machine again.

DAVE
That story was awful.

SAM
Lighten up, man. If you can’t have fun in the office, which is where we currently are, being two businessmen, then where can…
(notices Sharon)
Oh my God, it’s Sharon from accounting!

Sam runs over and feels her pulse.

DAVE
Is she dead?

SAM
I can’t tell. Hand me your cocaine mirror.

DAVE
(handing it over)
Dude, I told you not to call it my cocaine mirror at work.

SAM
Whatever, pussy.

Sam holds a small mirror in front of Sharon’s face, and then looks at it to see if it's fogged up.

SAM (cont’d)
She’s not breathing. God, what do you think happened?

DAVE
I dunno, but this doesn’t look like a natural death. What are those marks on her neck?

SAM
They look almost like… fang marks. And she’s all pale, like the blood has been sucked from her. Jesus, you don’t think a dog attacked her, do you?

DAVE
Dogs don’t drink blood, idiot.

SAM
They do if they’re thirsty!

TODD ENTERS. He has long red streaks extending down from both sides of his mouth, over his chin, down across his shirt. He also has fangs.

TODD
Hey guys, what’s up?

DAVE
Hey Todd. Get this: Sam thinks some sort of thirsty dog killed Sharon from accounting. Isn’t that retarded?

TODD
Sharon from accounting is dead? God. Mondays, huh?

DAVE and SAM
(groan in agreement)

SAM
Are you a doctor, Dave? Or a vet? Then shut up! I’d like to know what you think happened!

DAVE
I dunno. Maybe she fell onto two evenly spaced message spindles. Right Todd?

TODD
Yeah, we don’t know. It could have been anything. Maybe her death was completely unrelated to the loss of her delicious blood. Maybe she had a heart attack.

DAVE
Totally. Why do you always think it has something to do with delicious blood, Sam?

SAM
I don’t! I attributed the last corpse to heat stroke! And besides, I…
(noticing Todd’s shirt)
Hey, uh… Todd. You got a little something on your shirt.

TODD
(looking down)
Oops! Heh heh! No more cherry Kool-Aid for Todd, right guys?

DAVE
(laughing)
Yeah, you’ve got a real drool problem there, don’t you Todd?

TODD
(deadly serious)
I wouldn’t make fun, Dave—not if you value your precious bodily fluids.

Awkward pause.

SAM
Well, anyway. I guess we should call an ambulance… or at least tell her mom, Debbie from accounting.

DAVE
Those two have such a weird last name.

TODD
(garbled)

SAM
What’s that, Todd? I couldn’t understand you because of your oversized canine teeth.

TODD
Sorry. I said, perhaps before you do that, you should check her again, to make sure she’s really dead.

SAM
(kneeling down, with mirror)
Well, okay, but I’m pretty sure she’s…

Sharon gets up, startling Sam and Dave.

SHARON
What happened?

DAVE
God, Sharon! We thought you were dead! Man, this is just what happened with the last five bloodless corpses that mysteriously reanimated! We are so bad at telling if people are dead or not!

SAM
Sharon, are you feeling okay? You weren’t breathing, and now you’re not showing up in Dave’s cocaine mirror!

DAVE
Dude, ixnay on the ocaine irrormay!

SHARON
No, I’m fine—I probably fainted.

SAM
What about your neck?

SHARON
Oh, y’know… hickey. Forgot my turtleneck. No, I’m fine now. I must’ve just caught that bug that’s going around.

SAM
Jesus, I hope I don’t get it. I can’t comb my hair without a mirror to save my life.

TODD
(runs fingers through hair)
Tell me about it… I mean… I totally show up in mirrors!

DAVE
(awkward)
Well, anyway—I’m glad you’re okay, but Sam and I need to motor if we wanna make that 11 o’clock meeting. Mondays huh?

SHARON & TODD
(groaning agreement)

Sam and Dave wave to them and EXIT. A beat.

TODD
So… you wanna take an early lunch?

SHARON
Sure. Anything but Dave, though. Guy’s so jacked up on coke that I’d be addicted before I hit an artery.

BLACKOUT

The Primetime Kalan, Next Saturday, October 21 at 8:30!

Hey Primetime Kalan fans! The October edition of TPK is just ten days away. What do we have on tap for you?

How about Daily Show correspondent Dan Bakkedahl? One of America's first names in satiric newscasting! Huh? Are you excited yet?










What's that? You say you like Dan Bakkedahl, but want something a little more October-y? Well how about this-- we've been spending the last month GHOST HUNTING and we've created three totally scarifying videos about our TRUE experiences seeking these visitors from BEYOND THE GRAVE!

Plus all the usual shenanigans you've come to expect from what we call The Kalan Krew (tm)*. We don't know why that nickname hasn't caught on. There's nothing cooler than self-applied alliterative sobriquets!

Also, did we mention GHOST HUNTING?

THE PRIMETIME KALAN
Saturday, October 21st, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy's No. 43
43 East 7th Street
(between 2nd and 3rd avenue)
Manhattan, NY
Tix: only $5!

And stick around after the show for our wisecrack-filled Bad Movie Night, where we'll be screening the horror classic Feeders 2: Slay Bells.



















*Elliot, Erik, myself, and sometimes Brock.

Zombira at MC2

Recycling Center: More Jokes

The rejected joke saga continues:

In June 2003 former Representative Mark Foley campaigned against child-oriented nudist camps in Florida, and was quoted as saying, "You put 11 and 18 year-olds together in a camp where they're nude, I think it is a recipe for disaster. It is like putting a match next to a gasoline can." Later it was revealed that the word "match" was actually a pet name meaning "Mark Foley's penis."

According to a new study, San Jose has the worst roads in the nation, followed by Los Angeles and San Francisco, while New Jersey has the most Thunder Roads.

More than a dozen pet owners are suing Hollywood Paws for failing to turn their animals into TV or movie stars as they had promised, and further alleging that their pets had been reduced to doing pawnography.

A cell phone company introduced a new phone called the Jitterbug that is aimed at senior citizens and features larger, easily read buttons and displays, providing the elderly with a convenient new way to not get called by their children.

A new popular event touring the country is Baby Loves Disco, in which parents bring their young children to nightclubs where they can dance. The name was chosen after "Baby Doesn't Have Too Much Choice in the Matter, Does Baby?" was deemed too on-the-nose.

Russian TV is producing a new version of he NBC sitcom "Suddenly Susan," which starred Brooke Shields. Of course, in Soviet Russia, Susan suddenlys you!

A Ukrainian man has developed a musical condom that plays louder and faster "as the sex becomes more passionate." Although for some reason, the music is muffled about half the time.

During Tuesday's episode of the O'Reilly Factor, former Representative Mark Foley mistakenly labeled a Democrat 3 times, although I'm sure it was just a harmless accident, and we shouldn't blame convicted devil-worshipping serial killer, Bill O'Reilly. Oops. Did I say serial killer? I meant "talk show host."

According to a new study, more than half of Americans admitted to "re-gifting," while the other half totally love that unicorn sweater.

Recycling Center: Jokes

Some rejected news jokes:

The number one movie at the box office this weekend was Jackass 2, which made 28 million dollars, or four million dollars per scrotal stapling.

A new study shows that breast implants have been linked to a significantly higher suicide rate among women, especially those who kill themselves via wet t-shirt electrocutions.

President Bush on Tuesday angrily criticized the leak of the report on the war in Iraq saying, "Somebody has taken it upon themselves to leak classified information for political purposes." The C.I.A. has promised to have one of their agents look into it, just as soon as they get a hold of Valerie Plame.

In an interview on Fox News Sunday, Bill Clinton accused host Chris Wallace of a "conservative hit job" for questioning Clinton's efforts to get Osama Bin Laden -- although the fact that Bin Ladin is still alive suggests that conservatives are incapable of a hit job.

Officials said Monday that the government is partially lifting its ban against carrying liquids and gels onto airliners, and will allow passengers to take on liquids purchased in secure areas of airports. So hello duty-free Wild Turkey and KY Jelly!

It was reported that Kevin Federline has removed from his upcoming debut CD the song "PopoZao," which is about women's rear-ends, and replaced it with "Crazy," which is a duet with Britney Spears, about women who marry rear-ends.

The Pentagon said Thursday that 3,800 US soldiers will be staying in Iraq about six weeks beyond their one-year combat tours, which explains the military’s new slogan, “The Army: Allow 6 to 8 Weeks for Delivery.”

Ricky Martin on Tuesday testified before Congress as part of his campaign for better laws and more money to combat global trafficking in children, a horror that Mr. Martin experienced firsthand in the mid-eighties, when he was held captive by the Menudo cartel.

An Italian musician who could not board his flight because of overbooking was so enraged that he assaulted a Turin airport worker, saying, “Where’s your shroud messiah now? Nyahhh!”

Uh, Really, We're Professionals. Trust Us.

So, somewhere along the line, the wires got crossed. The actual dates for Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular (a sketch show) are October 19, 20, 26, and 27. NOT (as previously reported) 19, 26, 27, 29.

Please do your best to ignore this mistake. We're aware it makes us seem like jackasses. Thanks.

A Trivial Diversion

Things have been a little intermittent and variable around here lately. Some of this is because I've been doing some freelance writing for blufr.com.


Powered by Answers.com:
free online dictionary and more


...which, by the way, was created by my old Robotski cohort, Jacob. So that's been taking up some of my extra time. Still, I'll keep talking to you all when I can grab a minute.

By the way, thanks to The Apiary for including the latest episode of Captains in Space in this week's New Video Wednesday.

Recycling Center: The Return of the Comics

By popular demand (seriously!) here's another one of my old comics from Ducts.org. More can be seen here.

Of Haircuts and Music Videos

So I was checking out my site statistics yesterday, and I discovered that one of the searches that led someone to my blog was "how to get paula deen's haircut."














Really? Really?

Also, if yesterday's new episode of Captains in Space wasn't enough for you, check out this video that the captains made a while back for a friend's birthday. I had nothing to do with it, but it gives me a chuckle, so I thought I'd pass it along to you. Because that's what friends do.

They share.

Captains in Space: Episode Five, "Proms Away," ONLINE!

Well, we took the summer off, and I'm sure it was a difficult wait for all of you, but our long national nightmare is over. Episode Five: Proms Away is online and ready to watch.

I wrote this episode, and it stars the usual gang of Federico Hatoum, Adam Walden, and Vedette Lim as Frankie. Oh, and who's that guest starring? Why, it's me! Yes, watch my star turn as "Robo-Dan" and finally fulfill your dream of seeing my doughy face covered in silver make-up. What does Captain Fed have to say about my performance?

It guest stars Captains scribe Dan McCoy in a role that will surely redefine the way we all see him. Remember when Harrison Ford played a bad guy in "What Lies Beneath", how everyone was, like, "Wow, that's really a different kind of role for him"? This will be similar.

Check out the site to view/read about the episode, or just download it directly, here.

If you have a video iPod, you can subscribe to Captains in Space on iTunes: search for "captains in space" and click the subscribe button, or use this link.

Or, if you're lazy and don't mind a lower-resolution picture you can just view the episode via YouTube:

Coming Soon...

(A Sketch Show)

More details pending...

Of Stabbings and Vicious Lies

As you may have heard, my guest spot at Video Gaga on Wednesday ended with my brutal stabbing at the hands of one John Kingman, so-called "co-producer" of Gaga, and a former friend.

I'd like to thank all of you for the cards and letters at this time of crisis, and assure you that I am recovering well, and that the doctors beleive I will retain the use of nearly 20% of my stomach (although spicy buffalo wings are now out! Ouch!).

At any rate, Mr. Kingman has posted a self-justifying "explaination" for his senseless attack, on his blog. (What kind of prison allows inmates blogging privileges, anyway?) I encourage you to read it only to gain insight into a sick mind.

Also, I believe his photos to be doctored. I have never met either Margaret Thatcher or Ann Coulter, and I will not stand for such character assasination. The women in the photo with me were originally Lizzie Borden and Countess Elizabeth Bathory.

Primetime Kalan TOMORROW!

This Saturday brings with it an all-new edition of The Primetime Kalan, New York's most popular talk/ variety program that's hosted by Elliott Kalan.

Tomorrow's show will be extra-special, because (aside from the usual hi-jinks from Elliott, Erik, and myself) our special guest will be Demetri Martin-- currently best-known for his "Trendspotting" segments on The Daily Show. You can see one such segment here, via Comedy Central's site. Or, for those who prefer hearing with their ears to seeing with their eyes, you can listen to Demetri on NPR.

Aside from the show's Demetriosity, what else is there to recommend it? How about a visit from sexpert Catherine Wing? Everything's better with "sex" as a prefix. Not enough? What if we throw in a video from Elliott and his "Hypocrites" partner Brock Mahan? More? Okay, you've twisted my arm. If you come to the show, you'll also get a free ticket to watch the post-apocalyptic action film Bronx Warriors, along with the wisecracking Kalanites, as part of our inaugural Bad Movie Night.

Sound good? Okay, I'll see you there.

THE PRIMETIME KALAN
Saturday, Sept. 23rd, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy's No. 43
43 East 7th Street
(between 2nd and 3rd avenue)
Manhattan, NY
Tix: only $5!

Oh, and while we're talking about Elliott, go on over and read his most recent column for Metro. It's the free newspaper real New Yorkers read, during that period between when a real homeless person hands it to them, and they get off the subway and toss it in a real New York trash can! For making our subway ride more palatable, we salute you, Metro!

Recycling Center: Comic Edition Strikes Back

Here's another of my old comics from Ducts.org. See more here.

Recycling Center: Comic Edition

Hey folks. I'm busy with a lot of other things this week, but I want to keep the site interesting, so here's a single panel comic I did for Ducts.org, where you can find more of my comics.

See Me in Video Gaga Tonight!

As mentioned previously, I will be reuniting with my old SSIOWY cohort, Ms. Sara Schaefer herself, for a cameo appearance in her new show Video Gaga. I will be on hand to deliver the week's music news. Will hi-jinks ensue? You'll have to come to find out.

Video Gaga
Wednesday, September 20, 9:30
Funny music videos by Matt Evans, Ann Carr, Vince Sabatini, and more!
Musical Guest: The Undisputed Heavyweights
Tickets $5
Reserve tickets here or call 212-366-9176
Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre
307 W. 26th Street, btw 8th & 9th

In Which I Object to the Marketing of Certain Distasteful Items

Apparently, the urinal in our office is a "Flushboy" brand toilet fixture. I am a firm believer that urinals should not be given anthropomorphic nicknames. Here are some other products that I would appreciate people not inventing:

• Plungerette
• Ipecacadet
• Bedpanymph
• Diaphramaster
• Colonoscopuppy
• Rape Whistler's Mother

See Me in Video Gaga This Wednesday

Hey folks-- so I'll be making some sort of appearance at this week's Video Gaga at the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater. I'm not entirely sure what I'll be doing (preparation! yeah!), but the show will reunite me with my former fake boss (and current AOL music correspondent) Sara Schaefer. It's like a Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You reunion... except Amanda and Kara Lee won't be there... or Patrick... oh, and the concept of the whole show is completely different. On second thought, it's more like when Susanne Pleshette showed up on Newhart.

And, yes, in this scenerio, I'm Susanne Pleshette. How can you pass that up?



Video Gaga
Musical Guest: The Undisputed Heavyweights
Wed., September 20, 9:30 pm
@ The Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater
307 West 26th Street, Manhattan
Tix: $5

Primetime Kalan, This Saturday! Plus, Unrelated Miscellany!

Elliott just can't stop shilling for The Primetime Kalan, and I just can't stop posting his shills!

--

Hello, Kalan fans!

So apparently, this saturday is Rosh Hashanah, and apparently by scheduling my next episode of the ever-entertaning PRIMETIME KALAN on that day I've incurred the wrath of the UJA and the League of Orthodox Rabbis. But what better way is there to ring in the Jewish new year than a hilarious night of Kalan-related antics?

Exactly. And with stand-up comedy megasuperultrastar Demetri Martin and sexpert Catherine Wing in tow, it's the talk show equivalent of having your name written in the Book of Life!

Also, I think God's coming, so He probably won't get mad if you show up, too.

THE PRIMETIME KALAN
Saturday, Sept. 23rd, 8:30pm

Jimmy's No. 43

43 East 7th Street (between 3rd and 2nd Ave.)

Manhattan

Tix: $5

--

Also, thanks to Fuse#8 and Oz and Ends for picking up my Wizard of Oz DVD Digest piece. Sorry that I misidentified L. Frank Baum as Frank L. Baum. If I'm gonna have children's literature people reading my site, I'm going to have to step up my research. Meanwhile, all you children's lit writers can help me out by not having a first name for your middle name. Thanks.

DVD DIGEST: Herbie: Fully Loaded

Today’s DVDs are packed to the gills with commentaries and production information, but who other than unemployed Film Comment subscribers have the time to wade through all that crap? Instead, let us do it for you. We’ll check out a new release, listen to all the commentaries (even the one that’s just the gaffers, insect wranglers, and stunt butts), view the documentaries, and boil the information down to only the most interesting tidbits.

This week’s DVD release: Herbie: Fully Loaded

Commentary Nuggets:

• The car was the hardest role to cast. When the casting director finally found one “with a mind of its own,” everyone was initally excited. However, after Brecken Myer was slaughtered in a seatbelt accident, it became clear that the car was possessed by a demonic force, and the production was only saved when a couple of 1950’s teens managed to crush it with a forklift.
• Special effects wizards used a computer to simultaneously shrink Lindsay Lohan’s breast size and the audience for the film.
• “Herbie” shared many racy stories spanning the length of his Hollywood career, including one about a three-way with Dean Martin and Don Knotts, on the set of 1977’s Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo.
• Director Angela Robinson fell in love with the project because she felt it was an inspiration to other young women who might be struggling with the issues of entering the Daytona 500 and owning a magical car.
• In an inspiring display of devotion to her craft, Lindsay Lohan spent much of the shoot “fully loaded” herself.
• Michael Keaton is just happy to be in any movie where he’s not playing a living snowman.
  

Deleted Scenes:

• An entire Antarctic subplot was cut from the film. It was later released as the documentary March of the Penguins.
• Matt Dillon’s character originally had a hobby: taking pictures of crash victims, digitally manipulating the images so the survivors appeared to be engaged in deviant sexual acts, and posting the pictures online. All scenes devoted to this hobby were cut, as it was thought to make his character seem “too unsympathetic.”
  

Hidden “Easter Egg”:

• Click on Herbie’s headlamps in the main menu, and see a picture of Lindsay Lohan back when she was a cute, shapely, redheaded young actress, and not a too-much-sunless-suntan-wearing, anorexic, bleach-blonde young cokehead. Then cry.

Recycling Center

Here's something I wrote for a publication that died before this was published. Ah, the glamorous life of a writer! Unless the search engines have steered me wrong (and it's quite possible they have), I don't think I've posted it here before. Enjoy.

DVD DIGEST

Today’s DVDs are often packed to the gills with commentaries and production information, but who other than unemployed Film Comment subscribers have the time to wade through all that crap? Instead, save your time, and let us do it for you. We’ll check out a new release, listen to all the commentaries (even the one that’s just the gaffers, insect wranglers, and stunt butts), view the documentaries, and boil the information down to only the most interesting tidbits.

This week’s DVD release: The Wizard of Oz: 3-Disc Collector’s Edition

Commentary Nuggets:

• The Flying Monkey effects were created by taking real monkeys, and forcing them to swallow whole snow owls.

• Only one of the Cowardly Lion, Scarecrow, and Tin Man is actually gay. See if you can guess which one!

• If you watch carefully, you’ll notice this continuity gaffe: at different times during the movie, Dorothy’s hair appears to be three different lengths. This is because Judy Garland is a witch, and was born without a soul.

• The "tornado" was actually a big stocking, photographed in front of miniatures of a Kansas farm. Does that turn you on?

• Although “The Wizard of Oz” synchs up beautifully with Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon,” it works even better with Paul McCartney’s “Flaming Pie.” However, no-one has ever discovered this, because no-one has ever listened to an entire post-Beatles Paul McCartney album.

• Frank L. Baum’s original book was an allegory of the 1890’s switch to the gold standard, although, surprisingly, his book “William Jennings Bryan the Fat Pink Dragon” was meant to be read straight.

• There are rumors that one of the Munchkins hung himself, and can be seen at the beginning of the “We’re Off to See the Wizard” sequence, dangling from a tree. This is an urban legend. What you are actually seeing is INXS frontman Michael Hutchence, who, in addition to being into autoerotic asphyxiation, invented time travel. His was a beautiful mind, and its loss is bitterly felt.

• Peter Bogdonovich contributes a commentary, because he’ll comment on any damn thing.

Deleted Scenes:

• The alternate ending where Dorothy stayed in Oz rather than returning to dusbowl Kansas—the studio feared that it would make children unsatisfied with their hard life of bitter struggle, and teach them that it’s okay to reach for their dreams.

• Home movies of the famous lost “Jitterbug” dance sequence, in which alcohol withdrawal gave Judy Garland such fierce jitters that it seemed like she was dancing

• The scene at the end where Mrs. Gulch returns to reclaim Toto (who earlier escaped from her bicycle basket), and then takes him to the vet to be put to sleep, was cut because it “seemed to end the movie on a down note.”

Hidden “Easter Egg”:

• If you type S.U.R.R.E.N.D.E.R. D.O.R.O.T.H.Y. into your DVD player, nothing will happen, you pervert.

New Sketch Show Coming in October

I don't have all the details to pass along to you kids yet, but keep an eye on this space. I've been working on a new Halloween-themed sketch show with some friends, and it's finally got a venue (the Sage Theater), some dates (October 19, 26, 27, and 29) and a name (Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular).

So if you like Halloween, comedy, Halloween-themed comedy, or comedy-themed Halloween, mark your calendars. More to come...










Creepy lips-sewn-together-baby would tell you to attend, except for... well, you know.

New Primetime Kalan, Coming Saturday, September 23!

I'll let Elliott do the shilling for me...

Hello Kalan fans!

This is to officially alert, announce, forebode, and warn you that next saturday, September 23rd, at 8:30pm sees another amazing new episode of your favorite live talk show, THE PRIMETIME KALAN.

This kind of thing only happens once a month, so we're pulling out a lot of stops. How many stops are we pulling out? ALL OF THEM! We are literally pulling ALL OF THE STOPS OUT!

How else would we have room for The Man Who Sees Sideways himself, megatalent comedian Demetri Martin?! And not only that, but our favorite local sexpert Catherine Wing!

Demetri displays the hoodie and comedy stare that have earned him the nickname "The Muscles from Brussels."

Those great stars PLUS the famous jokes and bits that have led to the nonstop Kalaning of America? The only excuse for missing this is if you are dead or busy.

THE PRIMETIME KALAN
Saturday, Sept. 23rd, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy's No. 43
43 East 7th Street
(between 2nd and 3rd avenue)
Manhattan, NY
Tix: only $5!

In Which I Defend My Manner of Venting Frustration Upon the World at Large

Recently, I’ve been fielding a lot of complaints about the way I insult people. Not the fact that I insult them, mind you, but the manner in which I do it. Apparently people believe my put-downs to be too “on the nose.” For instance: this morning, on the elevator, the odor wafting from a particularly pungent co-worker assaulted my senses. I yelled, “Hey, guy who smells like he does not wash quite as much as would be expected in polite society! Take a bath!” I felt I’d let loose with a particularly appropriate “zinger,” but the general opinion around the office failed to bear me out.

Or when I was nearly clipped by a bicycle messenger, and I rejoined, “Hey guy who doesn’t think that the laws of traffic don’t apply to him because he’s in a bicycle and not a car, so he runs a red light, even though, in fact, the same rules of the road apply to cyclists and motorists! Watch where you’re going!” My pleasure at having told him off was only slightly diminished by his having been approximately a mile away by the time I finished my sentence.

What’s wrong with being on the nose? Should I subtly come at my insults via oblique angles? Should I tell a woman with an annoying voice that hers is the song that the angels sing when they accidentally chew some aluminum foil? It might be more artistically satisfying. But does the message read?

In fact, I’d argue that the beauty of my insults is in their specificity. When I call someone “man who is either too stupid to realize that there are other people trying to get into the subway car, or is so disinterested in the well-being of those around him that he refuses to move away from the door, or else is some sort of sociopath,” doesn’t that give that person a clearer idea of how, exactly, he has displeased me, than “asshat” would? I’m just asking.

Certainly, if you were to insult me, I’d ask you to forgo such vulgarities, in favor of tailored insults, such as, “guy who takes a half-baked premise and then tries to pummel it into the shape of a humorous web post, but fails almost completely,” or “guy who doesn’t know how to write an end for things.”

In Which I Dispel Pernicious Rumors Regarding My Mortality

I must admit to being completely baffled by the recent outpouring of cards and letters, lamenting my passing. In an attempt to put these rumors to rest, let me assure you of this-- the reports of my death by stingray have been greatly exaggerated.

I can only assume, America, that you have somehow gotten me confused with the beloved television host and wildlife enthusiast, Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin, and his recent tragic demise. We all mourn this loss. However, while in the throes of grief, it is important to not allow such emotions to cloud the mind. I am not a hyperactive Australian adventurer. I am a sardonic Brooklyn writer/ performer. Also, I rarely wear shorts.

Thus, while I appreciate the several large donations made to wildlife preservation organizations in my name, I simply do not understand why such donations have been made. Honestly, as a man with significant student loan and credit debt, I would prefer that, should you wish to make a Dan McCoy-related contribution it be sent directly to me, in the form of large checks made out to cash.

Perhaps there has been a misprint in some widely-read obituary column, but even so, people-- please use your heads. I am a land-based mammal living in a northern state. Stingrays are tropical marine creatures. How plausible does my death sound now? Huh? Don't you feel silly?

In fact, I've compiled a short list, detailing the incidents in my life that come closest to a stingray encounter.

1990 - Stung by bee in foot (unconfirmed - bee unseen)

2001 - Present - Lived in NYC, city with largest per capita concentration of pizzerias with "Ray" in the name

2005 - Felt slightly "stung" by the length of the film Ray starring Jamie Foxx.

That's it! Hardly an extensive list!

So in conclusion, I'd just like to say, please stop sending cards and letters, as I'm totally... AAAGH! I'M BEING EATEN BY A BEAR!

In Which I Expound Upon My Sure-Fire Get-Rich Scheme, With Regards to the Prevailing Entertainment Mode of the Day

I don't watch American Idol, but its saturation into the national consciousness is such that I'm aware that exiled singers receive a montage set to that "so you had a bad day" song. Similarly, So You Think You Can Dance (which I have seen a bit of, thanks to my wife*) sends off half their contestants to a song titled "End of the Road."

Therefore, I plan to support myself by writing a hit song to be used in reality show eliminations. Producers please take note. Some sample titles:

"So You've Had a Day That Ended With You Being Eliminated From Some Sort of Talent Competition"

"Not Good Enough to Be America's Sweetheart/ Nor Bad Enough to Be its Joke"

"Ultimately, You Were Sub-Par"

"The Only Thing Worse Than Being on a Reality Show (Is Not Being on a Reality Show)"

"Hello Third Lead in a Teen-Targeted Romantic Comedy!"

"This Was, Quite Literally, the High Point of Your Life. Hope You Enjoyed it."

"Get the Fuck Out of Here!"

*in this (and only this) instance, "wife" actually does mean "wife" and not "me snuggled up in a terry-cloth robe, sipping an extra-chocolatey mudslide and softly crying."

Metapost: New Addition to Sidebar

Notice anything different in the sidebar? No. Why would you? Who in their right mind would pay enough attention to something like that?

I'll put you out of your misery-- I've added an "Upcoming Shows" section. When I started this site, the only thing I posted was information about upcoming shows (or places you could read my material, or news, etc.). I wanted it to be a place people could go, if they were curious about what I had going on, so that I wouldn't constantly be irritating everyone via email plugs. What I didn't want it to be was another blog, cluttering up the Internets with unfocused musings or navel-gazing.

However, you may have noticed (again, why would you?) that I've recently loosened things up, and started posting a wider variety of comedy-related things, in the interest of making things around here less killingly boring. I think that's a good thing; but, as a friend pointed out this weekend, it does mean that the shows-- this site's original reason to be-- have gotten a little lost in the shuffle.

So: I'll still post full information about shows in the main body of the site, as information or occasion warrants, but now the key info about upcoming shows will always be only a glance away.

Wow, I sure used a lot of words to say "upcoming shows will now be listed in the sidebar." Writing is editing, my ass.

Minor Victory Monday:The Return!

Once again, I was one of this week's finalists in Daniel Radosh's excellent New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest.

In Which I Specify My Favorite Kind of Memoir

Autopornographical.

Primetime Kalan Tidbit

For those of you who didn't make it out to the show, here's a bit from Saturday's Primetime Kalan, written by me. It went over fairly well, I think. More importantly, (1.) I got to do a mediocre Columbo impression, and (2.) I wore a trench coat borrowed from The Daily Show. Who knows who else may have worn that same coat? Corddry? Helms? A pre-Colbert-Report Stephen Colbert? Oh the comedy costume magic!

Anyway, here's the sketch:

ELLIOTT
And so if Claudette Colbert and Irene Dunne got into a knife fight, I think it would go a little something like...

DAN has ENTERED , as LIEUTENANT COLUMBO, while Elliott has been talking. He makes his way towards the stage.

COLUMBO
Mr. Kalan! Mr. Kalan!

ELLIOTT
Yes, yes, lieutenant. What are you doing here?

COLUMBO
I'm sorry to interrupt, but I just thought of a question I wanted to ask you.

ELLIOTT
Well, what is it Columbo? I'm a very busy man.

COLUMBO
Yes sir, I know; I'm sorry. It's just... you told me that when you found the body, you were alone in the house...

ELLIOTT
Yes, yes! We've been over this before!

COLUMBO
But that's just it, sir. When the sergeant arrived, he said there were two glasses of bourbon on the bar. If you were alone the whole time, why would there have been two there? I just can't figure it out.

ELLIOTT
Well, I think it's clear that I was surprised by finding the body. That sort of thing is a terrible shock. I must have forgotten about my first drink, and poured a new one without realizing it, before I called the police.

COLUMBO
That makes sense. You're probably right, that's probably it. I'm sorry to have bothered you.

ELLIOTT
Not at all, lieutenant, that's what I'm here for.

COLUMBO
(leaving)
Have a good day, sir.
(he stops)
Oh, there's just one more thing, Mr. Kalan.

ELLIOTT
(exploding)
What is it, Lieutenant! Can't you see I'm busy! I'm in the middle of a show here! I must attend to my audience!

COLUMBO
(noticing audience for the first time)
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. Please excuse me. The last thing Mrs. Columbo and I would want when we're out on the town, seeing a nice show, is some guy coming in, going on and on. Please forgive me.

ELLIOTT
Never mind about that! What's your question.

COLUMBO
Yessir. It's just... there was lipstick on the second glass. Could you explain that, sir?

ELLIOTT
Well, clearly, in my distressed frame of mind, I must have applied lipstick before pouring and drinking the second glass! It's as clear as day!

COLUMBO
(of course)
That's it. Thank you for helping me figure that out sir. I'm sorry to have bothered you.

ELLIOTT
Not at all. I'll see you later, lieutenant.

COLUMBO
I'm sure you will sir.

Columbo LEAVES through the audience, excusing himself as he passes by each table, in an elaborately and polite, but completely disruptive manner. Elliott fumes.

COLUMBO
Oh, one last thing!

ELLIOTT
(breaking down)
Fine! I'll tell you everything about that horrible horrible night! Anything you want to know! What!? What is it?

COLUMBO
Uh... where's the can?

ELLIOTT
Oh. It's right behind you, lieutenant.

COLUMBO
Thanks.

ELLIOT
As I was saying, Irene Dunne...

ERIK ENTERS as FATHER DOWLING.

FATHER DOWLING
Mr. Kalan, may I have a word with you?

ELLIOTT
Father Dowling!

FATHER DOWLING
Yes, my son. I'd like ask you some questions. There's been a disturbing incident with some poisoned communion wine, and...

ELLIOTT
Uh, Father Dowling, you know I'm Jewish, right?

FATHER DOWLING
You are? Oh. Well. I only solve Christian-themed mysteries. Sorry to have bothered you.

ELLIOTT
Finally, being Jewish pays off somehow. Anyway, as I -

FATHER DOWLING
Just one thing, if I could get serious for a moment.
(addressing the audience)
There's a petition by the door to get The Father Dowling Mysteries released on DVD. If you could just sign it on your way out, that'd be great. We're trying to get fifty thousand signatures, and right now we have... uh, two. So...

ELLIOTT
Thank you, Father Dowling!

FATHER DOWLING
Just a little bit of background on the show...

ELLIOT
Father...

FATHER DOWLING
I'm a priest in Chicago, who solves crimes. I'm assisted in my investigations by a streetwise nun who grew up in a housing project, so she can hotwire cars, and stuff...

ELLIOTT
Please, just...

FATHER DOWLING
...and it ran for three seasons, from 1987 to '91.

ELLIOTT
Father, I...
(then, surprised)
Really? That long?

FATHER DOWLING
Yes.

ELLIOTT
Are you sure it wasn't like two seasons and a Christmas special?

FATHER DOWLING
Three seasons.

ELLIOTT
(still unbelieving)
Okay. Well, anyway, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

FATHER DOWLING
Okay.
(leaving)
Remember, sign that petition! The DVDs will include the lost episode where the streetwise nun and I give into our animal lust and do it missionary-style for the whole hour.

ELLIOTT
That episode doesn't exist.

FATHER DOWLING
It does IN MY MIND!

ELLIOTT
All right! Get out of here!

If you missed this last show, cry not. We'll be doing an all-new show next month-- on September 24 to be exact-- with special guest Demetri Martin. You won't want to miss it.

Primetime Kalan TOMORROW NIGHT

Here's my last plug for tomorrow's Primetime Kalan (the live talk/ variety show for which I'm a regular writer and performer). I'll let Mr. Kalan himself do the shilling:

Hey Kalan fans!

Just a reminder that tomorrow night at 8:30pm EST sees an all new episode of THE PRIMETIME KALAN, featuring amazing guest stars and all your favorite characters! Well, we don't really have any characters, but we do have some great guest stars, like Sarah Walker and Jess Cantrell ("Walker & Cantrell") and Devon Coleman and D'Arcy Erokan ("Frowned Upon").

Plus, don't forget it's an all new event in for our show, the PRIMETIME KALAN PRIMETIME TIME CAPSULE! What is it exactly? You'll have to show up to find out! Get ready for something!

Plus: Animals! Detectives! Vengeful machinery!

It's the show that's got something for everybody who likes this show!

THE PRIMETIME KALAN - Saturday, August 26th, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy's 43
43 East 7th Street, below ground level
Manhattan
Tix: $5

More info available here and here.

In Which I Dish About the Returning Television Programs

With the new fall TV season just starting, everyone's been after me for the exclusive scoop about what lies in store for them on their favorite shows. Well, I can't deny you, America! But be forewarned: spoilers lie ahead!

House MD - I have it on very good authority that there will be an episode where Dr. House gets in trouble for his unconventional methods. Also, look for the actors playing House's team, Omar Epps, Jesse Spencer, and Jennifer Morrison, to really step up and explore their roles as "Black Guy," "Australian Guy," and "Guy Who's Actually a Girl."

24 - A highly placed source has leaked me a snippet of dialogue from an upcoming episode. His only request was that I ex out a few of the words, so as to preserve the suspense. Here we go, kiddies!

JACK
(out of breath)
Chloe, I need those XXXXXXX's routed to my XXXXXX NOW!

CHLOE
I'm on it, Jack.

BUCHANAN
(sexily)
XXXXXXXX

I can hardly wait!

Prison Break – Spies on set tell me that this season Wentworth Miller will frequently glower soulfully.



















It’s like he can see right through me! Oh Wentworth! Can't … look… away.

My Name is Earl - This season we finally get the banned "Moustache Rides" episode.

Lost - The producers promise me that the season will start with a mind-blowing revelation that will turn everything you know about the island, the survivors, and the Others completely on its head. Then, in the middle of the season, there will be another mind-blowing revelation that turns everything you know approximately ninety degrees! Then, the season ends with a third mind-blowing revelation, turning things ninety degrees again, making a full circle and returning everything to its pre-season stasis.

In between those mind-fucks, re-runs will abound; Jack will become increasingly unlikable; and Kate will remain extremely pretty, but narratively unnecessary.

Gilmore Girls – Just a sample from the astonishing season premiere:

LORELAI She's my daughter.

[Luke slaps Lorelai]

LUKE
I said I want the truth!

LORELAI
She's my sister...
[slap]
She's my daughter...
[slap]
My sister, my daughter.

[More slaps]

LUKE
I said I want the truth!

LORELAI
She's my sister AND my daughter!

The Office – Pam marries Roy, Jim moves away, Michael is fired, Dwight is promoted to manager, the entire office is miserable, it’s just like where you work, days pass into months, months into years, you never write that novel, we all die alone, and no Virginia there isn’t any Santa Claus. In hi-def, where available.

Grey's Anatomy - It will be revealed that Dr. Meredith Grey's Zellwegerian squint is due to her being developmentally disabled, which explains why she runs around screwing up other people's lives, and why her voice-over narration bears no resemblance to actual lessons one might learn from experiencing the events on her show.

Veronica Mars – In a shocking twist, the fact that Veronica Mars is now on the CW with Gilmore Girls will result in countless crossovers… in the form of sexually explicit Internet fan fiction.

I hope that these tidbits will keep you salivating until your favorite show premieres! I know that I plan to lock the door, order in take-out, create a cocoon from blankets and my own hair clippings, and stay glued to the tube ‘til spring!

Happy watching!

Plugging Friends: The Return

Again, I had no part in the making of this video, but it stars two of my old Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You cohorts (hint: the two who aren't animated paperclips). It was created for Sara's new show, Video Gaga, so if you like this, you should go check it out. Enjoy.

The First Captains in Space Fan Art

Wow-- some enterprising Livejournal user has created a series of icons immortalizing some Captains in Space quotes. Check them out here (scroll down; they start at #61). Even better, numbers 62, 64, and 65 are from the episode I wrote.

Also, if you're wondering where Captains in Space has been, the answer is that, like many shows, we've been in reruns over the summer. However, Captain Fed is working on editing the first episode of Season Two as we speak (well, not as we speak. Right now he's sitting in his office at work. But you know what I mean).

The next episode will be the most technically complex one yet, and aside from being written by me, it also features me in a guest-starring role. Why am I so self-centered? I dunno, but if it bothers you, you're probably on the wrong website.

Me, me, me!

In Which I Introduce You to My Excellent Squad of American Footballers

I was never much of a sports fan growing up. Or after growing up. Or at this precise moment. Perhaps it's because of all the jocks who beat me when I was growing up... or are beating me at this moment. It's difficult to say.

Still, I've recently fskldjfasjdvlkamsdv;akl...

Sorry about that. It's hard to type with all these jocks beating me up. What I meant to say was this: I've recently found my entree into the sports world, through fantasy football, which is the world's fastest growing hobby among young men, according to statistics collected by the part of my brain that makes stuff up. "Why not jump aboard that train?" I thought. "Fantasy football-- that sounds like fun."

So, vast Internets, allow me to introduce my fantasy football league:

The Brooklyn Good-At-Footballs

Coach: Dan McCoy

Quarterback:

Zondar the Maleficent, riding Butterfly, his unicorn. Whatever fantasy football team the Good-At-Footballs take on, they are sure to cower at the sight of this Galmorian Berserker, fully equipped with a trebuchet, which he uses to launch the football (or "stitched boarskin orb") as much as two miles. Butterfly may look girlish, but you should see him impale the opposing quarterback's skull on his mighty horn. Plus, his eyes shoot rainbows!

Running Backs:

Made up entirely of the Cheetah Men of the vast and dusty Fastlands, who run at speeds beyond human comprehension.



Kaftar will incapacitate you with his poisonous whiskers, while taunting you with his contemptuous battle cry of "Meow."

Wide Receivers:

A team of oafish giants, bred by a Slovarian slave trader to be the widest and receivingest creatures in the land!

Tight Ends:

A group of buxom cheerleaders who spend the entire season soaping one another in the locker room. Wait-- that's my football fantasy, not fantasy football. Um, ignore that... for now.

Defensive Backs:

A family of cloned Triceratops, genetically modified for increased weight, increased armor strength, and increased knowledge of football.

Linebackers:

Viking warriors, each equipped with Gondovian Battle Axes, which are noted for their capacity to cut through helmets and knee pads.

Kicker:

Strongthar of The Powerful Leg-Foot-Toe-Area, who, in addition to being the strongest and most accurate kicker of things in all the land, happens to be a powerful wizard, familiar with "The Spell of Always Winning Football Games," which makes the rest of the team kind of unnecessary.

I'll match my fantasy football team against yours any day, fellow men! So heed my call, possessors of Y chromosomes. Any takers, or are you too girl-like?

MANLY!

Primetime Kalan, August 26 - A Memo From Elliott

Hey Kalan Fans,

This is an early advance warning bulletin notifying you of an all-new PRIMETIME KALAN episode saturday, August 26th at 8:30pm.

We took July off, but we're back with a full 50 minutes to an hour (depending on how prolix Elliott is that night) of all-new entertainment and comedy. WITNESS the world's first household appliance love triangle! SEE the comedy of Walker & Cantrell! ALSO SEE the comedy of sketch duo Frowned Upon! ENJOY a surprise appearance by your favorite TV detectives! BE HORRIFIED by stories of Beatles-related trauma!

And PREPARE YOURSELF for the unveiling of The Primetime Kalan Primetime Time Capsule: A Primetime Kalan Primetime Event!

Can you afford to miss this show? Not at five dollars you can't!

THE PRIMETIME KALAN - Saturday, Aug. 26th, 8:30pm
@
Jimmy's 43
43 East 7th Street
(between 2nd and 3rd Ave.)
Tix: Only $5!!

Plugging Friends

I had nothing to do with this short, but it was done by my friend Erik, so you should take a look. It parodies the Zuiikin English "Spare Me My Life" Japanese language video.

In Which I Make an Inquiry Regarding Current "Popular" Culture

What's all this I keep hearing about Snorks on a plane?

In Which I Discourse On a Number of Subtle Distinctions, Which are Important to Note

Pod Kast - A podcast focusing on issues important to the band OutKast.

Out Cast - A podcast focusing on issues important to the gay community.

--

Swingline - A kind of stapler.

Swing Line - A boat cruise catering exclusively to wife-swappers.

--

Morning Dew - Something that often comes from a male teenager's genitals.

Mountain Dew - Urine.

--

The Pulitzer Prize - The highest honor in journalism.

The Pull It, Sir! Prize - The highest honor in masturbation.

--

Okay, this post has just devolved into a series of dirty jokes. I apologize to you all, but mostly to my parents. You put me through college for this?

In Which I Throw My Political Weight Around

As you know, the major news outlets have been dogging me for my endorsements regarding November's elections. Clearly, my political influence cannot be undervalued (forget Tippecanoe and Tyler too, I made William Henry Harrison). Still, I resisted being pushed into making a decision before I was ready-- wielding such credibility with the public and the political elite is truly an awesome responsibility.

Thus, it was only after much consideration that I am now ready to reveal who I will be backing in the following races. Associated Press take note!

First, the local match-ups:

Governor:

George Pataki vs. A Small Pebble Wedged in My Shoe

PICK: Small Pebble Wedged in My Shoe - Sure, it's an annoyance, at least until I have an opportunity to bend down and remove it, but it seems to care more about New York City. Pebble, you've been backed!

Mayor:

Hon. Edward McCheese vs. Big Bird

PICK: Big Bird. Despite his previous mayoral experience, I doubt that a Kroftian, anthropomorphic cheeseburger has what it takes to manage the largest metropolitan area in the U.S. On the other hand, Big Bird is a lifelong NYC native (no carpetbagger here!) who has managed to keep the peace on Sesame Street, despite the impending human gentrification of his historically Muppet neighborhood.

District Alderman:

Caldecott Alder Mann vs. James K. Badchoiceforalderman

PICK: Alder Mann - Not sure why; I just have a gut feeling on this one. Also, what kind of crazy long surname is his challenger sporting? Just try and fit that on a ballot!

Next up, the Senate:

Florida:

Bud Light vs. Bud Dry

PICK: Bud Light - After the political fiasco that was Bud Bowl XVIII, I thought the incumbent's hopes were dashed forever, but this appears to be the rivalry that won't quit. I'm throwing my support behind B. Light, because its fewer calories mean less alcoholic content, and who wants a drunk in charge of school lunches?

New Jersey:

A Horsefly vs. Inflatable Water Wings

PICK: Water Wings. I've been stung by Horseflies before!*

*this joke courtesy of Victoria Tucker, age 8, Gary, IN.

Rhode Island:

OK! Soda vs. Two Aggies and a Steelie

PICK: Two Aggies and a Steelie - I'm not sure what makes a little-known, hipster-marketing-driven orange-cola from the '90s think its profile is high enough to win such a high elected office, but I do know that it's nowhere near as valuable as a good steelie, especially if you're playing for keepsies.

Pennsylvania:

Five Years of Unrelenting Physical and Psychological Torture vs. Sixty Pages of Fully Nude Photos of Scarlett Johansson in Various Positions, or, if You Are a Woman or Gay Man, Hugh Jackman

PICK: Nude Photos - Some races are so overmatched, one wonders why they bother. I mean, Nude Photos is the incumbent, and Unrelenting Physical and Psychological Torture is running as a Green. Hello!?

Nebraska:

North Dakota vs. South Dakota

PICK: South Dakota - I'm not sure how other states are able to run in Congressional races for a third state, but when you're picking between these two, always pick the warmer one, that's my motto!

Well, anyway, those are my picks, and I think they're pretty...

What?

What's that you say?

You say that the document I was using as a reference to make my choices wasn't a list of political candidates at all, but simply a list of entirely random words and phrases created by a random word and phrase generator that you invented for some reason?

Well, in that case, why were they grouped in twos with the abbreviation "vs." between each one of them?

You're trying to tell me that "vs." just happened to be randomly generated multiple times? That seems highly unlikely-- out of the millions of words in the English language, for "vs." to appear eight times seems disproportionate to the point of near-impossibility...

Well, yes, I suppose that if you invented a random word and phrase generator, you are more of an expert in probability than I am. I'm sorry to have doubted you. It's just irritating to have made all these crazy endorsement choices.

Oh well, can't change them now. Too weak. Too flip-floppy. Stay the course, etc. America, you have your work cut out for you:

(1.) Get these fictional characters/ inanimate objects on the ballot in your state or district.

(2.) Elect the appropriate one.

(3.) Recieve my heartfelt thanks.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have thousands of signatures to forge.

New Primetime Kalan, Coming August 26

Hey, friends. Like I've said before, comedy slows down a bit in the summer, preferring to lie low, rather than risk a melanoma on its fair-skinned underbelly. However, things are starting to pick up again, starting with The Primetime Kalan.

Following our sell-out June show (the first in our new venue), The Primetime Kalan took a short summer break in July; but we're back in full force on August 26! Put it on your calendar now, forgetful ones! I'll probably only mention it three other times before then!

The Primetime Kalan August 26 at 8:30 PM @ Jimmy's No. 43 Located downstairs at 43 East 7th Street between 2nd and 3rd Avenue. By Subway: Take the 6 to Astor Place/ Take the R/W to 8th Street/ Take the F train to 2nd Avenue.
The cost is $5 - No drink minimum!

Our guests will be the lovely, funny Walker and Cantrell. Take a moment to visit their website, and watch their great short video, "Surviving Geddes." Or read one of the prose pieces housed there. I'm a particular fan of "So You've Knocked Over a Row of a Motorcycle Gang's Motorcyles."


















Walker and Cantrell explore the exotic world of aluminum siding.

Plus, a special appearance by the funny, lovely "Frowned Upon" (AKA Devon T. Coleman and D'Arcy Erokan).















Devon points to D'Arcy, to indicate that she is, indeed, squatting atop a pedestal.

As always, the show will also feature Elliott's patented hostly stylings, a video from Brock Mahan, and writing/ performing assistance from Erik Marcisak and myself.

The Primetime Kalan will return yet again on September the 24th. Isn't it torture to wait a whole month between these things? Better make sure to go to every show, so you can load up on Primetime Kalan goodness while you can.

Also, some friends and I have something special cooking for Halloween. So stay tuned.

Please Vote for My Friend Liz

...who is a great person, who looks great in underwear.







"Vote for me! I'm the classy one!"

Now back to the regularly scheduled lack of posting.

Mondays Are Made for Minor Victories

I'm one of last week's finalists in Daniel Radosh's weekly New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest. Huzzah!