I used to be part of a monthly talk show called "The Primetime Kalan," with my friends Elliott and Erik. Last year around this time, we had our Halloween show, which we hosted as "Ghost Hunting Club of New York," three paranormal scholars who went to various locations in the NY area, trying to catch a ghost. (A side note: our guest for that show was The Daily Show's Dan Bakkedahl, who showed up in a helmet and knee pads, claiming that he thought we were the "Go Stunting" club.)
Anyway, it's taken a year for them to show up online, but here, for the very first time, are the Primetime Kalan Ghost Hunting Videos! (Cinematography courtesy of Brock Mahan)
Video One: "Grant's Tomb" - by Elliott Kalan
Video Two: "The Jersey Devil" - by Dan McCoy
Video Three: "The Yeti of Williamsburg" by Erik Marcisak
And, as a special bonus, I offer this fourth video. It was done by Elliott, Erik, and former show director-turned-Flavor-of-Love-editor Joe Guercio long before I was involved with the Kalan show. Still, you can see that this video share many of the same themes from the ghost hunting shorts (for instance, the conviction that pipes, 80's-style montages, and Photoshop are the tickets to comedy success), proving that it was inevitable that I'd join the group eventually.
Just one bit of background: R2-D2 was Elliott's "co-host" on his show, until they decided to abandon that bit. This video was produced to explain his absence from the show, but you don't really need to know that to enjoy the video, other than one or two stray comments.
WARNING: Do not watch if you are sensitive to violence against robots
"The End of R2-D2"
Showing posts with label Primetime Kalan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Primetime Kalan. Show all posts
Friday, October 12, 2007
Thursday, December 21, 2006
I Will Be On the Radio On the Internets! Tonight!
Thanks to the miracle of streaming audio, the miracle of podcasts, or any other holiday miracle specifically dealing with the ability to hear stuff over the web, I can be heard tonight on the new show Fist City.
The show is hosted by my friends Elliott Kalan and Brock Mahan, whom you may remember from the just-ended Primetime Kalan (which I'm providing a link to, even though the final show recap was literally the post just preceding this one. Scroll bar be damned!). I'll be providing a guest essay on the first show, and will hopefully pop up from time to time thereafter, whenever they're desperate to fill airtime. I will, naturally, keep you posted.
Anyway, as always, when I'm involved in an Elliott project, I'll let him do all the promoting for me. What says he?...
--
Hello Kalan and Mahan fans,
Remember how much fun it used to be to see ELLIOTT KALAN (Metro columnist, Daily Show Segment Producer, and former host of "The Primetime Kalan") and BROCK MAHAN (TV writer and former host of "Top O' the Mahan To You") perform live onstage? And remember how unfun it used to be to actually travel to the theater they were performing in?
Well remember no more! Now, thanks to the magic of "internet radio", Brock and Elliott will appear LIVE in your house, TONIGHT!
No, we aren't breaking and entering using a magical computer device. We're performing a weekly radio humor show of sketches, bits, jokes, jackanapes, interviews, and an ongoing dramatic serial about pirates. The show's name? "FIST CITY"
"FIST CITY" will be streaming live at www.eastvillageradio.com , tonight and every Thursday night at 9pm . Can't be there for the broadcast? That's no excuse! Every episode will be available to podcast, through your regular old-fashioned iTunes, right after the show! Talk about convenience! You literally have no excuse not to listen to this show!
FIST CITY - 1st episode! Tonight! Thursday night at 9pm!
By the way, the show's the second half of a two hour block, the first hour being "The Rev. Clempson Show."
The show is hosted by my friends Elliott Kalan and Brock Mahan, whom you may remember from the just-ended Primetime Kalan (which I'm providing a link to, even though the final show recap was literally the post just preceding this one. Scroll bar be damned!). I'll be providing a guest essay on the first show, and will hopefully pop up from time to time thereafter, whenever they're desperate to fill airtime. I will, naturally, keep you posted.
Anyway, as always, when I'm involved in an Elliott project, I'll let him do all the promoting for me. What says he?...
--
Hello Kalan and Mahan fans,
Remember how much fun it used to be to see ELLIOTT KALAN (Metro columnist, Daily Show Segment Producer, and former host of "The Primetime Kalan") and BROCK MAHAN (TV writer and former host of "Top O' the Mahan To You") perform live onstage? And remember how unfun it used to be to actually travel to the theater they were performing in?
Well remember no more! Now, thanks to the magic of "internet radio", Brock and Elliott will appear LIVE in your house, TONIGHT!
No, we aren't breaking and entering using a magical computer device. We're performing a weekly radio humor show of sketches, bits, jokes, jackanapes, interviews, and an ongoing dramatic serial about pirates. The show's name? "FIST CITY"
"FIST CITY" will be streaming live at www.eastvillageradio.com , tonight and every Thursday night at 9pm . Can't be there for the broadcast? That's no excuse! Every episode will be available to podcast, through your regular old-fashioned iTunes, right after the show! Talk about convenience! You literally have no excuse not to listen to this show!
FIST CITY - 1st episode! Tonight! Thursday night at 9pm!
By the way, the show's the second half of a two hour block, the first hour being "The Rev. Clempson Show."
Monday, December 18, 2006
The Primetime Kalan: THE FINAL EPISODE Recap
The final Primetime Kalan was this Saturday past, and I think the occasion warrants a show synopsis.
The audience took their seats to a DVD of the world's worst cartoons, projected on the back wall, and once the (sell out) crowd was settled, things got rolling. Elliott got up and did his monologue, about his recent 25th birthday, and thathis newfound adulthood sadly means that he'll never acquire the label "child prodigy." However, it's the perfect time for a retrospective, so he introduced that evening's show "A Celebration of 25 Years of Kalan."
To help explain why this anniversary show was also the final show, Elliott brought me up to interview him. After some tension, resulting from my no-holds-barred, hardball style (I quizzed him about why he was putting me out of work), he explained that he wanted to end things now so he could go out on top. I disputed his position that doing a show in the basement of an East Village bar was, in fact, going out on top, but Elliott remained unswayed. To my query as to why he refused to sell me the name for $10,000, so I could do "The Primetime McCoy," he said that he felt a spin-off would "weaken the brand," and that it wouldn't serve the core goal of "getting the Kalan name out there." He was firm in his decision to retire to his mansion, play tennis, and contribute the occasional joke to Letterman. When I asked to visit the mansion, he said no.
We then had a video from former Primetime Kalan director (and current assistant on the Flava Flav dating show Flava of Love), Joe Guercio. He wished Elliott a happy birthday, while casually knocking over several videotapes.
This was followed by an audio greeting from Brock Mahan, Elliott's longtime writing partner. He gave Elliott a touching testimonial, taking time out from his busy life of berating a Hawaiian desk clerk for not properly booking the Aloha Suite for himself and "LonelyHousewife69."
It was then time for a look back at Elliott's turbulent life and times. A video montage of scenes from the 80's gave way to the 90's, and then to black and white cartoons and footage of the 1936 Olympics. Finally, the scene shifted to the shooting of JFK, and the eternal flame, ending with a picture of Elliott and the caption "Elliott Kalan, 1981-2006." Elliott objected that the video made it seem like he'd died, but Erik assured him that it was just "in memory" of all the entertainment he's provided, specifically between the years of '81 and '06.
Erik went on to say that there were a few memorial notices from companies whose products Elliott had consumed while alive. Goldfish Crackers sent a notice recognizing Elliott life, and spoke of plans for limited edition Elliott-flavored crackers, "in the shape of all of Elliott's favorite things," including Spider-Man, Frankenstein's monster, and soft-core Cinemax porn. Coca-Cola also sent condolences, quoting Elliott's interview in "Beverage Aficianado Magazine," in which he'd stated his desire to be buried in a casket filled with Coke, and"slowly dissolve into his favorite drink." They also sent a complimentary bottle of Coca-Cola Blak. Lastly, the makers of black t-shirts sent a message saying that "When Elliott stopped wearing black t-shirts with old horror movie posters on them, tucked into black jeans, it stopped being cool."
Then The Daily Show's John Oliver got on stage, to deliver Elliott's eulogy, over Elliott's repeated protests that he was, in fact, still alive ("Please Elliott, this is going to be emotional enough as it is, without you standing there talking.") Oliver spoke about how difficult it was to lose such a man in the same week that we lost Augusto Pinochet, continuing about the parallels between them. He had the audience play a game, in which he invited them to guess whether a given quote was from Kalan or Pinochet. (Surprisingly, "Where's my Woody Allen boxed set" was from Pinochet.) He discussed rumors that Elliott had done marvelous things like invent a new vowel, one that will now be lost to linguistic history. Summing up, he stated that he would always remember Elliott as "A man I met recently, knew for a short bit, and then died."
I had to duck out for holiday-related reasons at this point, but I know that Daily Show writer Scott Jacobson showed up to sing a heartfelt song.
Also, Elliott's son memorialized him, remembering the time his father took an unpaid internship at Dean Witter to become a stockbroker and support his family. "When I felt him hold me in his strong black arms," he said, "and felt his moustache bristling against my forehead, I knew everything would be all right." Elliott was touched, until he realized that it wasn't actually his son, just a guy reading the plot to the hit Will Smith vehicle, The Pursuit of Happyness. Revealed as actor Eric Zuckerman-- best known as "Doomsday Guy" from Stephen Spielberg's War of the Worlds, Eric announced that he would be signing autographs after the show for $5.
Then the show wrapped up with Elliott's traditional Ramble/ Rambo Room and Doogie Howser Computer Journal segments. A fitting end to an always goofy, sometimes great, often poorly-attended show.
However, cry not, because I expect to continue to work with Elliott (pretend estrangement notwithstanding). In fact, I will be appearing on his new East Village Radio show "Fist City" this Thursday the 21st at 9 PM - hopefully just the first of many appearances, that is, unless he gets too big for me, because... (important news to follow in the next paragraph)
...He's gotten a promotion. He's now not a mere Associate Segment Producer on The Daily Show, but a Segment Producer on The Daily Show. Thus, in between buying me drinks and lighting up imported cigars with $100 bills, he can call himself a television producer without the slight twinge of semantic guilt he felt in the past. Congratulations, Elliott! And Happy Birthday!
Elliott Kalan: 1981 - 2006
The audience took their seats to a DVD of the world's worst cartoons, projected on the back wall, and once the (sell out) crowd was settled, things got rolling. Elliott got up and did his monologue, about his recent 25th birthday, and thathis newfound adulthood sadly means that he'll never acquire the label "child prodigy." However, it's the perfect time for a retrospective, so he introduced that evening's show "A Celebration of 25 Years of Kalan."
To help explain why this anniversary show was also the final show, Elliott brought me up to interview him. After some tension, resulting from my no-holds-barred, hardball style (I quizzed him about why he was putting me out of work), he explained that he wanted to end things now so he could go out on top. I disputed his position that doing a show in the basement of an East Village bar was, in fact, going out on top, but Elliott remained unswayed. To my query as to why he refused to sell me the name for $10,000, so I could do "The Primetime McCoy," he said that he felt a spin-off would "weaken the brand," and that it wouldn't serve the core goal of "getting the Kalan name out there." He was firm in his decision to retire to his mansion, play tennis, and contribute the occasional joke to Letterman. When I asked to visit the mansion, he said no.
We then had a video from former Primetime Kalan director (and current assistant on the Flava Flav dating show Flava of Love), Joe Guercio. He wished Elliott a happy birthday, while casually knocking over several videotapes.
This was followed by an audio greeting from Brock Mahan, Elliott's longtime writing partner. He gave Elliott a touching testimonial, taking time out from his busy life of berating a Hawaiian desk clerk for not properly booking the Aloha Suite for himself and "LonelyHousewife69."
It was then time for a look back at Elliott's turbulent life and times. A video montage of scenes from the 80's gave way to the 90's, and then to black and white cartoons and footage of the 1936 Olympics. Finally, the scene shifted to the shooting of JFK, and the eternal flame, ending with a picture of Elliott and the caption "Elliott Kalan, 1981-2006." Elliott objected that the video made it seem like he'd died, but Erik assured him that it was just "in memory" of all the entertainment he's provided, specifically between the years of '81 and '06.
Erik went on to say that there were a few memorial notices from companies whose products Elliott had consumed while alive. Goldfish Crackers sent a notice recognizing Elliott life, and spoke of plans for limited edition Elliott-flavored crackers, "in the shape of all of Elliott's favorite things," including Spider-Man, Frankenstein's monster, and soft-core Cinemax porn. Coca-Cola also sent condolences, quoting Elliott's interview in "Beverage Aficianado Magazine," in which he'd stated his desire to be buried in a casket filled with Coke, and"slowly dissolve into his favorite drink." They also sent a complimentary bottle of Coca-Cola Blak. Lastly, the makers of black t-shirts sent a message saying that "When Elliott stopped wearing black t-shirts with old horror movie posters on them, tucked into black jeans, it stopped being cool."
Then The Daily Show's John Oliver got on stage, to deliver Elliott's eulogy, over Elliott's repeated protests that he was, in fact, still alive ("Please Elliott, this is going to be emotional enough as it is, without you standing there talking.") Oliver spoke about how difficult it was to lose such a man in the same week that we lost Augusto Pinochet, continuing about the parallels between them. He had the audience play a game, in which he invited them to guess whether a given quote was from Kalan or Pinochet. (Surprisingly, "Where's my Woody Allen boxed set" was from Pinochet.) He discussed rumors that Elliott had done marvelous things like invent a new vowel, one that will now be lost to linguistic history. Summing up, he stated that he would always remember Elliott as "A man I met recently, knew for a short bit, and then died."
I had to duck out for holiday-related reasons at this point, but I know that Daily Show writer Scott Jacobson showed up to sing a heartfelt song.
Also, Elliott's son memorialized him, remembering the time his father took an unpaid internship at Dean Witter to become a stockbroker and support his family. "When I felt him hold me in his strong black arms," he said, "and felt his moustache bristling against my forehead, I knew everything would be all right." Elliott was touched, until he realized that it wasn't actually his son, just a guy reading the plot to the hit Will Smith vehicle, The Pursuit of Happyness. Revealed as actor Eric Zuckerman-- best known as "Doomsday Guy" from Stephen Spielberg's War of the Worlds, Eric announced that he would be signing autographs after the show for $5.
Then the show wrapped up with Elliott's traditional Ramble/ Rambo Room and Doogie Howser Computer Journal segments. A fitting end to an always goofy, sometimes great, often poorly-attended show.
However, cry not, because I expect to continue to work with Elliott (pretend estrangement notwithstanding). In fact, I will be appearing on his new East Village Radio show "Fist City" this Thursday the 21st at 9 PM - hopefully just the first of many appearances, that is, unless he gets too big for me, because... (important news to follow in the next paragraph)
...He's gotten a promotion. He's now not a mere Associate Segment Producer on The Daily Show, but a Segment Producer on The Daily Show. Thus, in between buying me drinks and lighting up imported cigars with $100 bills, he can call himself a television producer without the slight twinge of semantic guilt he felt in the past. Congratulations, Elliott! And Happy Birthday!
Elliott Kalan: 1981 - 2006
Friday, December 08, 2006
I Am the Ted McGinley of Fake Talk Shows
Flashback to May of last year-- I join the writers/ cast of Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You for the last 6 months of its two-year run. It's one of the more popular (at least, for the size of the venue) comedy shows in the city, and, although talk-show-format stage shows were certainly not a new idea, SSIOWY did it before it became the cliche it now seems to be.
During my time with the show, the success continues. We have one of our biggest guests in Lisa Loeb (and standing backstage listening to her perform "Stay" live, a song that I remember first seeing on MTV in high school, is still one of my most treasured NYC comedy memories). We get considered for the Aspen Comedy Festival, and, though we don't ultimately get called back, it's an honor to have been scouted.
And then the show ends shortly thereafter.
We go out in top form, with a final episode I'm very proud of. Sara goes on to a justly deserved job as a web-host for AOL Music's "The DL" (check it out, people). Fellow writer Amanda goes on to a justly deserved job writing for Greg Giraldo (although she's currently free--hire her, people!). Kara Lee departs for new horizons in L.A. And Patrick continues in his day job as Conan O'Brian's personal assistant. And I go on to...
The Primetime Kalan-- another live talk show, hosted by Daily Show associate producer Elliott Kalan. It was originally conceived as an unwritten midnight talk show. With the move to an earlier hour, Elliott decided to tighten things up with more pre-written bits, and kindly asked me to join. Much fun is had, particularly due to the never ending stream of Daily Show guests, courtesy of Elliott's delightfully shameless connection-pimping.
I stay with this show for about nine months of its two year run.
And it's ending. Next weekend.
Clearly, something is happening here. I am forced to come to the conclusion that I am the Ted McGinley of Fake Talk Shows-- Ted, of course, being "the patron saint of shark jumping." My presence apparently marks some sort of death knell for semi-successful basement-comedy-talk-programs. On the bright side, my staying power seems to be gradually increasing. When I join the cast of Late Night With Jon Kingman is Obsessed With Being Primetime, I may even make it a whole year before bumping the thing off.
"The McGin" -- just, you know, hangin'
On the other hand, perhaps I'm misreading the situation. Perhaps I am not the Ted McGinley of stage talk shows, but merely the Cousin Oliver-- perhaps I'm the guy brought on in a last ditch attempt to revitalize a slumping show by virtue of my adorableness and ability to bring in a wider audience. That audience being, specifically, my college friends who live in the NYC area. Hey, that extra 20 people is nothing to be sneezed at!
Either way, next time I hope to get paid.
During my time with the show, the success continues. We have one of our biggest guests in Lisa Loeb (and standing backstage listening to her perform "Stay" live, a song that I remember first seeing on MTV in high school, is still one of my most treasured NYC comedy memories). We get considered for the Aspen Comedy Festival, and, though we don't ultimately get called back, it's an honor to have been scouted.
And then the show ends shortly thereafter.
We go out in top form, with a final episode I'm very proud of. Sara goes on to a justly deserved job as a web-host for AOL Music's "The DL" (check it out, people). Fellow writer Amanda goes on to a justly deserved job writing for Greg Giraldo (although she's currently free--hire her, people!). Kara Lee departs for new horizons in L.A. And Patrick continues in his day job as Conan O'Brian's personal assistant. And I go on to...
The Primetime Kalan-- another live talk show, hosted by Daily Show associate producer Elliott Kalan. It was originally conceived as an unwritten midnight talk show. With the move to an earlier hour, Elliott decided to tighten things up with more pre-written bits, and kindly asked me to join. Much fun is had, particularly due to the never ending stream of Daily Show guests, courtesy of Elliott's delightfully shameless connection-pimping.
I stay with this show for about nine months of its two year run.
And it's ending. Next weekend.
Clearly, something is happening here. I am forced to come to the conclusion that I am the Ted McGinley of Fake Talk Shows-- Ted, of course, being "the patron saint of shark jumping." My presence apparently marks some sort of death knell for semi-successful basement-comedy-talk-programs. On the bright side, my staying power seems to be gradually increasing. When I join the cast of Late Night With Jon Kingman is Obsessed With Being Primetime, I may even make it a whole year before bumping the thing off.
"The McGin" -- just, you know, hangin'
On the other hand, perhaps I'm misreading the situation. Perhaps I am not the Ted McGinley of stage talk shows, but merely the Cousin Oliver-- perhaps I'm the guy brought on in a last ditch attempt to revitalize a slumping show by virtue of my adorableness and ability to bring in a wider audience. That audience being, specifically, my college friends who live in the NYC area. Hey, that extra 20 people is nothing to be sneezed at!
Either way, next time I hope to get paid.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Last Primetime Kalan EVER
From Elliott...
Hello, Kalan fans,
It is with a heavy heart that I, Elliott Kalan, in the guise of the omniscient narrator who writes these plugs, must announce that there is an all-new episode of THE PRIMETIME KALAN on Saturday, December 16th at 8:30pm. I see you're confused. I understand. A new PRIMETIME KALAN? This is an occasion for joy and celebration! Yes, usually it would be. But this you see....is THE LAST PRIMETIME KALAN!!!!
But don't be so glum! How else could we say goodbye to this fixture of the no-budget comedy scene, but with a 25th Anniversary Spectacular! The 25th Anniversary of Elliott Kalan's birth, that is! Be there as Elliott rings in adulthood, with special guests JOHN OLIVER ("The Daily Show"), SCOTT JACOBSON (writer, "The Daily Show"), and BROCK MAHAN (almost worked at "The Daily Show" once). Plus, farewells from some of your favorite Kalan show personalities.
You will tell your grandchildren you were at this show.
THE PRIMETIME KALAN - LAST EPISODE! - Saturday, December 16th, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy 43
43 East 7th street (btwn 2nd and 3rd Ave.)
Manhattan
Tix: $5
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Big Weekend: Shows Tonight, Tomorrow, and Saturday!
Hey all. Tonight marks the premiere of Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular (A Sketch Show). Because tonight's show is "in previews," it will be pay-what-you-like for one night only! Otherwise, tickets are $10 at the door (2-for-1 with a student ID) or $7 via online advance purchase.
The show is running as part of MC2's Big Bang, with This Just In, an improvised show based on the news, Latch-a-Kee, a solo show set at a Native American camp for the arts, and a musical guest (on October 19 and 26 the musical guest will be Erin and her Cello; and on the 20th and 27th, it's Huckleberry Slim, the "Wu-Tang porch band").
Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular
October 19, 20, 26, & 27, at 8 pm
@ The Sage Theater
235 W. 48th St., Suite 26 B
Manhattan
I wrote 1/3 of the Scaretaculous Horrortacular, and will be acting in it. Woo. You can see it tonight and tomorrow (as well as Thursday and Friday of next week). And I promise that, after that, you'll never again see the graphic below.
Then, on Saturday, you can come see me in The Primetime Kalan, the only show hosted by Daily Show associate producer (and Metro columnist) Elliot Kalan. Written by, and featuring Elliott,
Erik Marcisak, and myself. This episode will feature special guest Dan Bakkadahl, also of The Daily Show, but in that more famous, in-front-of-the-camera way. He'll be sure to get up to some sort of shenanigans, the little scamp.
Also, Saturday's show will be a very special meeting of the Ghost Hunters' Club of New York. We will be presenting video evidence of our recent brushes with the supernatural. Attend only if you dare.
And following the show, stick around. As part of our post-Kalan "Bad Movie Night," we will be screening the classic Feeders 2: Slay Bells, in which the only thing standing between Earth and some bloodthirsty aliens, is a ray-gun toting Santa Claus. Much beer will be drunk and fun will be made. So please, come on out.
The Primetime Kalan
Saturday, October 21, 8:30 pm
@ Jimmy's 43 43
East 7th Street,
Manhattan
Tix: $5
The show is running as part of MC2's Big Bang, with This Just In, an improvised show based on the news, Latch-a-Kee, a solo show set at a Native American camp for the arts, and a musical guest (on October 19 and 26 the musical guest will be Erin and her Cello; and on the 20th and 27th, it's Huckleberry Slim, the "Wu-Tang porch band").
Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular
October 19, 20, 26, & 27, at 8 pm
@ The Sage Theater
235 W. 48th St., Suite 26 B
Manhattan
I wrote 1/3 of the Scaretaculous Horrortacular, and will be acting in it. Woo. You can see it tonight and tomorrow (as well as Thursday and Friday of next week). And I promise that, after that, you'll never again see the graphic below.
Then, on Saturday, you can come see me in The Primetime Kalan, the only show hosted by Daily Show associate producer (and Metro columnist) Elliot Kalan. Written by, and featuring Elliott,
Erik Marcisak, and myself. This episode will feature special guest Dan Bakkadahl, also of The Daily Show, but in that more famous, in-front-of-the-camera way. He'll be sure to get up to some sort of shenanigans, the little scamp.
Also, Saturday's show will be a very special meeting of the Ghost Hunters' Club of New York. We will be presenting video evidence of our recent brushes with the supernatural. Attend only if you dare.
And following the show, stick around. As part of our post-Kalan "Bad Movie Night," we will be screening the classic Feeders 2: Slay Bells, in which the only thing standing between Earth and some bloodthirsty aliens, is a ray-gun toting Santa Claus. Much beer will be drunk and fun will be made. So please, come on out.
The Primetime Kalan
Saturday, October 21, 8:30 pm
@ Jimmy's 43 43
East 7th Street,
Manhattan
Tix: $5
Monday, October 16, 2006
The Primetime Kalan: This Saturday the 21st!
A new episode of The Primetime Kalan lands this Saturday. You've already heard what I have to say about it. What sez Elliott?
--
--
BOOO, Kalan fans!
It's October, and you know what that means! Time to get into the Halloween spirit. And what better way to do so than by seeing a comedy show ten days before the actual holiday?
Exactly. This is why, on Saturday, October 21st, THE PRIMETIME KALAN, will do something a little different, and allow the select few elite who buy tickets to our show enter the first annual meeting of the ultra-exclusive, ultra-secretive, ultra-amateur GHOST HUNTING CLUB OF NEW YORK! Experience the spine-tingling excitement of possible supernatural discovery as the GHOST HUNTING CLUB OF NEW YORK reveals the results of its latest forays into the unknown!
And as if that weren't enough, special guest DAN BAKKEDAHL ("The Daily Show") will be with us to share his own experiences with the paranormal.
Do you DARE come to this comedy show? Yes. You do.
THE PRIMETIME KALAN
Saturday, Oct. 21st, 8:30pm
Saturday, Oct. 21st, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy 43
43 East 7th Street
(between 2nd and 3rd Ave.)
Tix: $5
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
The Primetime Kalan, Next Saturday, October 21 at 8:30!
Hey Primetime Kalan fans! The October edition of TPK is just ten days away. What do we have on tap for you?
How about Daily Show correspondent Dan Bakkedahl? One of America's first names in satiric newscasting! Huh? Are you excited yet?
What's that? You say you like Dan Bakkedahl, but want something a little more October-y? Well how about this-- we've been spending the last month GHOST HUNTING and we've created three totally scarifying videos about our TRUE experiences seeking these visitors from BEYOND THE GRAVE!
Plus all the usual shenanigans you've come to expect from what we call The Kalan Krew (tm)*. We don't know why that nickname hasn't caught on. There's nothing cooler than self-applied alliterative sobriquets!
Also, did we mention GHOST HUNTING?
THE PRIMETIME KALAN
Saturday, October 21st, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy's No. 43
43 East 7th Street
(between 2nd and 3rd avenue)
Manhattan, NY
Tix: only $5!
And stick around after the show for our wisecrack-filled Bad Movie Night, where we'll be screening the horror classic Feeders 2: Slay Bells.
*Elliot, Erik, myself, and sometimes Brock.
How about Daily Show correspondent Dan Bakkedahl? One of America's first names in satiric newscasting! Huh? Are you excited yet?
What's that? You say you like Dan Bakkedahl, but want something a little more October-y? Well how about this-- we've been spending the last month GHOST HUNTING and we've created three totally scarifying videos about our TRUE experiences seeking these visitors from BEYOND THE GRAVE!
Plus all the usual shenanigans you've come to expect from what we call The Kalan Krew (tm)*. We don't know why that nickname hasn't caught on. There's nothing cooler than self-applied alliterative sobriquets!
Also, did we mention GHOST HUNTING?
THE PRIMETIME KALAN
Saturday, October 21st, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy's No. 43
43 East 7th Street
(between 2nd and 3rd avenue)
Manhattan, NY
Tix: only $5!
And stick around after the show for our wisecrack-filled Bad Movie Night, where we'll be screening the horror classic Feeders 2: Slay Bells.
*Elliot, Erik, myself, and sometimes Brock.
Friday, September 22, 2006
Primetime Kalan TOMORROW!
This Saturday brings with it an all-new edition of The Primetime Kalan, New York's most popular talk/ variety program that's hosted by Elliott Kalan.
Tomorrow's show will be extra-special, because (aside from the usual hi-jinks from Elliott, Erik, and myself) our special guest will be Demetri Martin-- currently best-known for his "Trendspotting" segments on The Daily Show. You can see one such segment here, via Comedy Central's site. Or, for those who prefer hearing with their ears to seeing with their eyes, you can listen to Demetri on NPR.
Aside from the show's Demetriosity, what else is there to recommend it? How about a visit from sexpert Catherine Wing? Everything's better with "sex" as a prefix. Not enough? What if we throw in a video from Elliott and his "Hypocrites" partner Brock Mahan? More? Okay, you've twisted my arm. If you come to the show, you'll also get a free ticket to watch the post-apocalyptic action film Bronx Warriors, along with the wisecracking Kalanites, as part of our inaugural Bad Movie Night.
Sound good? Okay, I'll see you there.
THE PRIMETIME KALAN
Saturday, Sept. 23rd, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy's No. 43
43 East 7th Street
(between 2nd and 3rd avenue)
Manhattan, NY
Tix: only $5!
Oh, and while we're talking about Elliott, go on over and read his most recent column for Metro. It's the free newspaper real New Yorkers read, during that period between when a real homeless person hands it to them, and they get off the subway and toss it in a real New York trash can! For making our subway ride more palatable, we salute you, Metro!
Tomorrow's show will be extra-special, because (aside from the usual hi-jinks from Elliott, Erik, and myself) our special guest will be Demetri Martin-- currently best-known for his "Trendspotting" segments on The Daily Show. You can see one such segment here, via Comedy Central's site. Or, for those who prefer hearing with their ears to seeing with their eyes, you can listen to Demetri on NPR.
Aside from the show's Demetriosity, what else is there to recommend it? How about a visit from sexpert Catherine Wing? Everything's better with "sex" as a prefix. Not enough? What if we throw in a video from Elliott and his "Hypocrites" partner Brock Mahan? More? Okay, you've twisted my arm. If you come to the show, you'll also get a free ticket to watch the post-apocalyptic action film Bronx Warriors, along with the wisecracking Kalanites, as part of our inaugural Bad Movie Night.
Sound good? Okay, I'll see you there.
THE PRIMETIME KALAN
Saturday, Sept. 23rd, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy's No. 43
43 East 7th Street
(between 2nd and 3rd avenue)
Manhattan, NY
Tix: only $5!
Oh, and while we're talking about Elliott, go on over and read his most recent column for Metro. It's the free newspaper real New Yorkers read, during that period between when a real homeless person hands it to them, and they get off the subway and toss it in a real New York trash can! For making our subway ride more palatable, we salute you, Metro!
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
New Primetime Kalan, Coming Saturday, September 23!
I'll let Elliott do the shilling for me...
Hello Kalan fans!
This is to officially alert, announce, forebode, and warn you that next saturday, September 23rd, at 8:30pm sees another amazing new episode of your favorite live talk show, THE PRIMETIME KALAN.
This kind of thing only happens once a month, so we're pulling out a lot of stops. How many stops are we pulling out? ALL OF THEM! We are literally pulling ALL OF THE STOPS OUT!
How else would we have room for The Man Who Sees Sideways himself, megatalent comedian Demetri Martin?! And not only that, but our favorite local sexpert Catherine Wing!
Demetri displays the hoodie and comedy stare that have earned him the nickname "The Muscles from Brussels."
Those great stars PLUS the famous jokes and bits that have led to the nonstop Kalaning of America? The only excuse for missing this is if you are dead or busy.
THE PRIMETIME KALAN
Saturday, Sept. 23rd, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy's No. 43
43 East 7th Street
(between 2nd and 3rd avenue)
Manhattan, NY
Tix: only $5!
Hello Kalan fans!
This is to officially alert, announce, forebode, and warn you that next saturday, September 23rd, at 8:30pm sees another amazing new episode of your favorite live talk show, THE PRIMETIME KALAN.
This kind of thing only happens once a month, so we're pulling out a lot of stops. How many stops are we pulling out? ALL OF THEM! We are literally pulling ALL OF THE STOPS OUT!
How else would we have room for The Man Who Sees Sideways himself, megatalent comedian Demetri Martin?! And not only that, but our favorite local sexpert Catherine Wing!
Demetri displays the hoodie and comedy stare that have earned him the nickname "The Muscles from Brussels."
THE PRIMETIME KALAN
Saturday, Sept. 23rd, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy's No. 43
43 East 7th Street
(between 2nd and 3rd avenue)
Manhattan, NY
Tix: only $5!
Monday, August 28, 2006
Primetime Kalan Tidbit
For those of you who didn't make it out to the show, here's a bit from Saturday's Primetime Kalan, written by me. It went over fairly well, I think. More importantly, (1.) I got to do a mediocre Columbo impression, and (2.) I wore a trench coat borrowed from The Daily Show. Who knows who else may have worn that same coat? Corddry? Helms? A pre-Colbert-Report Stephen Colbert? Oh the comedy costume magic!
Anyway, here's the sketch:
ELLIOTT
And so if Claudette Colbert and Irene Dunne got into a knife fight, I think it would go a little something like...
DAN has ENTERED , as LIEUTENANT COLUMBO, while Elliott has been talking. He makes his way towards the stage.
COLUMBO
Mr. Kalan! Mr. Kalan!
ELLIOTT
Yes, yes, lieutenant. What are you doing here?
COLUMBO
I'm sorry to interrupt, but I just thought of a question I wanted to ask you.
ELLIOTT
Well, what is it Columbo? I'm a very busy man.
COLUMBO
Yes sir, I know; I'm sorry. It's just... you told me that when you found the body, you were alone in the house...
ELLIOTT
Yes, yes! We've been over this before!
COLUMBO
But that's just it, sir. When the sergeant arrived, he said there were two glasses of bourbon on the bar. If you were alone the whole time, why would there have been two there? I just can't figure it out.
ELLIOTT
Well, I think it's clear that I was surprised by finding the body. That sort of thing is a terrible shock. I must have forgotten about my first drink, and poured a new one without realizing it, before I called the police.
COLUMBO
That makes sense. You're probably right, that's probably it. I'm sorry to have bothered you.
ELLIOTT
Not at all, lieutenant, that's what I'm here for.
COLUMBO
(leaving)
Have a good day, sir.
(he stops)
Oh, there's just one more thing, Mr. Kalan.
ELLIOTT
(exploding)
What is it, Lieutenant! Can't you see I'm busy! I'm in the middle of a show here! I must attend to my audience!
COLUMBO
(noticing audience for the first time)
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. Please excuse me. The last thing Mrs. Columbo and I would want when we're out on the town, seeing a nice show, is some guy coming in, going on and on. Please forgive me.
ELLIOTT
Never mind about that! What's your question.
COLUMBO
Yessir. It's just... there was lipstick on the second glass. Could you explain that, sir?
ELLIOTT
Well, clearly, in my distressed frame of mind, I must have applied lipstick before pouring and drinking the second glass! It's as clear as day!
COLUMBO
(of course)
That's it. Thank you for helping me figure that out sir. I'm sorry to have bothered you.
ELLIOTT
Not at all. I'll see you later, lieutenant.
COLUMBO
I'm sure you will sir.
Columbo LEAVES through the audience, excusing himself as he passes by each table, in an elaborately and polite, but completely disruptive manner. Elliott fumes.
COLUMBO
Oh, one last thing!
ELLIOTT
(breaking down)
Fine! I'll tell you everything about that horrible horrible night! Anything you want to know! What!? What is it?
COLUMBO
Uh... where's the can?
ELLIOTT
Oh. It's right behind you, lieutenant.
COLUMBO
Thanks.
ELLIOT
As I was saying, Irene Dunne...
ERIK ENTERS as FATHER DOWLING.
FATHER DOWLING
Mr. Kalan, may I have a word with you?
ELLIOTT
Father Dowling!
FATHER DOWLING
Yes, my son. I'd like ask you some questions. There's been a disturbing incident with some poisoned communion wine, and...
ELLIOTT
Uh, Father Dowling, you know I'm Jewish, right?
FATHER DOWLING
You are? Oh. Well. I only solve Christian-themed mysteries. Sorry to have bothered you.
ELLIOTT
Finally, being Jewish pays off somehow. Anyway, as I -
FATHER DOWLING
Just one thing, if I could get serious for a moment.
(addressing the audience)
There's a petition by the door to get The Father Dowling Mysteries released on DVD. If you could just sign it on your way out, that'd be great. We're trying to get fifty thousand signatures, and right now we have... uh, two. So...
ELLIOTT
Thank you, Father Dowling!
FATHER DOWLING
Just a little bit of background on the show...
ELLIOT
Father...
FATHER DOWLING
I'm a priest in Chicago, who solves crimes. I'm assisted in my investigations by a streetwise nun who grew up in a housing project, so she can hotwire cars, and stuff...
ELLIOTT
Please, just...
FATHER DOWLING
...and it ran for three seasons, from 1987 to '91.
ELLIOTT
Father, I...
(then, surprised)
Really? That long?
FATHER DOWLING
Yes.
ELLIOTT
Are you sure it wasn't like two seasons and a Christmas special?
FATHER DOWLING
Three seasons.
ELLIOTT
(still unbelieving)
Okay. Well, anyway, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
FATHER DOWLING
Okay.
(leaving)
Remember, sign that petition! The DVDs will include the lost episode where the streetwise nun and I give into our animal lust and do it missionary-style for the whole hour.
ELLIOTT
That episode doesn't exist.
FATHER DOWLING
It does IN MY MIND!
ELLIOTT
All right! Get out of here!
If you missed this last show, cry not. We'll be doing an all-new show next month-- on September 24 to be exact-- with special guest Demetri Martin. You won't want to miss it.
Anyway, here's the sketch:
ELLIOTT
And so if Claudette Colbert and Irene Dunne got into a knife fight, I think it would go a little something like...
DAN has ENTERED , as LIEUTENANT COLUMBO, while Elliott has been talking. He makes his way towards the stage.
COLUMBO
Mr. Kalan! Mr. Kalan!
ELLIOTT
Yes, yes, lieutenant. What are you doing here?
COLUMBO
I'm sorry to interrupt, but I just thought of a question I wanted to ask you.
ELLIOTT
Well, what is it Columbo? I'm a very busy man.
COLUMBO
Yes sir, I know; I'm sorry. It's just... you told me that when you found the body, you were alone in the house...
ELLIOTT
Yes, yes! We've been over this before!
COLUMBO
But that's just it, sir. When the sergeant arrived, he said there were two glasses of bourbon on the bar. If you were alone the whole time, why would there have been two there? I just can't figure it out.
ELLIOTT
Well, I think it's clear that I was surprised by finding the body. That sort of thing is a terrible shock. I must have forgotten about my first drink, and poured a new one without realizing it, before I called the police.
COLUMBO
That makes sense. You're probably right, that's probably it. I'm sorry to have bothered you.
ELLIOTT
Not at all, lieutenant, that's what I'm here for.
COLUMBO
(leaving)
Have a good day, sir.
(he stops)
Oh, there's just one more thing, Mr. Kalan.
ELLIOTT
(exploding)
What is it, Lieutenant! Can't you see I'm busy! I'm in the middle of a show here! I must attend to my audience!
COLUMBO
(noticing audience for the first time)
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. Please excuse me. The last thing Mrs. Columbo and I would want when we're out on the town, seeing a nice show, is some guy coming in, going on and on. Please forgive me.
ELLIOTT
Never mind about that! What's your question.
COLUMBO
Yessir. It's just... there was lipstick on the second glass. Could you explain that, sir?
ELLIOTT
Well, clearly, in my distressed frame of mind, I must have applied lipstick before pouring and drinking the second glass! It's as clear as day!
COLUMBO
(of course)
That's it. Thank you for helping me figure that out sir. I'm sorry to have bothered you.
ELLIOTT
Not at all. I'll see you later, lieutenant.
COLUMBO
I'm sure you will sir.
Columbo LEAVES through the audience, excusing himself as he passes by each table, in an elaborately and polite, but completely disruptive manner. Elliott fumes.
COLUMBO
Oh, one last thing!
ELLIOTT
(breaking down)
Fine! I'll tell you everything about that horrible horrible night! Anything you want to know! What!? What is it?
COLUMBO
Uh... where's the can?
ELLIOTT
Oh. It's right behind you, lieutenant.
COLUMBO
Thanks.
ELLIOT
As I was saying, Irene Dunne...
ERIK ENTERS as FATHER DOWLING.
FATHER DOWLING
Mr. Kalan, may I have a word with you?
ELLIOTT
Father Dowling!
FATHER DOWLING
Yes, my son. I'd like ask you some questions. There's been a disturbing incident with some poisoned communion wine, and...
ELLIOTT
Uh, Father Dowling, you know I'm Jewish, right?
FATHER DOWLING
You are? Oh. Well. I only solve Christian-themed mysteries. Sorry to have bothered you.
ELLIOTT
Finally, being Jewish pays off somehow. Anyway, as I -
FATHER DOWLING
Just one thing, if I could get serious for a moment.
(addressing the audience)
There's a petition by the door to get The Father Dowling Mysteries released on DVD. If you could just sign it on your way out, that'd be great. We're trying to get fifty thousand signatures, and right now we have... uh, two. So...
ELLIOTT
Thank you, Father Dowling!
FATHER DOWLING
Just a little bit of background on the show...
ELLIOT
Father...
FATHER DOWLING
I'm a priest in Chicago, who solves crimes. I'm assisted in my investigations by a streetwise nun who grew up in a housing project, so she can hotwire cars, and stuff...
ELLIOTT
Please, just...
FATHER DOWLING
...and it ran for three seasons, from 1987 to '91.
ELLIOTT
Father, I...
(then, surprised)
Really? That long?
FATHER DOWLING
Yes.
ELLIOTT
Are you sure it wasn't like two seasons and a Christmas special?
FATHER DOWLING
Three seasons.
ELLIOTT
(still unbelieving)
Okay. Well, anyway, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
FATHER DOWLING
Okay.
(leaving)
Remember, sign that petition! The DVDs will include the lost episode where the streetwise nun and I give into our animal lust and do it missionary-style for the whole hour.
ELLIOTT
That episode doesn't exist.
FATHER DOWLING
It does IN MY MIND!
ELLIOTT
All right! Get out of here!
If you missed this last show, cry not. We'll be doing an all-new show next month-- on September 24 to be exact-- with special guest Demetri Martin. You won't want to miss it.
Friday, August 25, 2006
Primetime Kalan TOMORROW NIGHT
Here's my last plug for tomorrow's Primetime Kalan (the live talk/ variety show for which I'm a regular writer and performer). I'll let Mr. Kalan himself do the shilling:
Hey Kalan fans!
Just a reminder that tomorrow night at 8:30pm EST sees an all new episode of THE PRIMETIME KALAN, featuring amazing guest stars and all your favorite characters! Well, we don't really have any characters, but we do have some great guest stars, like Sarah Walker and Jess Cantrell ("Walker & Cantrell") and Devon Coleman and D'Arcy Erokan ("Frowned Upon").
Plus, don't forget it's an all new event in for our show, the PRIMETIME KALAN PRIMETIME TIME CAPSULE! What is it exactly? You'll have to show up to find out! Get ready for something!
Plus: Animals! Detectives! Vengeful machinery!
It's the show that's got something for everybody who likes this show!
THE PRIMETIME KALAN - Saturday, August 26th, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy's 43
43 East 7th Street, below ground level
Manhattan
Tix: $5
More info available here and here.
Hey Kalan fans!
Just a reminder that tomorrow night at 8:30pm EST sees an all new episode of THE PRIMETIME KALAN, featuring amazing guest stars and all your favorite characters! Well, we don't really have any characters, but we do have some great guest stars, like Sarah Walker and Jess Cantrell ("Walker & Cantrell") and Devon Coleman and D'Arcy Erokan ("Frowned Upon").
Plus, don't forget it's an all new event in for our show, the PRIMETIME KALAN PRIMETIME TIME CAPSULE! What is it exactly? You'll have to show up to find out! Get ready for something!
Plus: Animals! Detectives! Vengeful machinery!
It's the show that's got something for everybody who likes this show!
THE PRIMETIME KALAN - Saturday, August 26th, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy's 43
43 East 7th Street, below ground level
Manhattan
Tix: $5
More info available here and here.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Primetime Kalan, August 26 - A Memo From Elliott
Hey Kalan Fans,
This is an early advance warning bulletin notifying you of an all-new PRIMETIME KALAN episode saturday, August 26th at 8:30pm.
We took July off, but we're back with a full 50 minutes to an hour (depending on how prolix Elliott is that night) of all-new entertainment and comedy. WITNESS the world's first household appliance love triangle! SEE the comedy of Walker & Cantrell! ALSO SEE the comedy of sketch duo Frowned Upon! ENJOY a surprise appearance by your favorite TV detectives! BE HORRIFIED by stories of Beatles-related trauma!
And PREPARE YOURSELF for the unveiling of The Primetime Kalan Primetime Time Capsule: A Primetime Kalan Primetime Event!
Can you afford to miss this show? Not at five dollars you can't!
THE PRIMETIME KALAN - Saturday, Aug. 26th, 8:30pm
@
Jimmy's 43
43 East 7th Street
(between 2nd and 3rd Ave.)
Tix: Only $5!!
This is an early advance warning bulletin notifying you of an all-new PRIMETIME KALAN episode saturday, August 26th at 8:30pm.
We took July off, but we're back with a full 50 minutes to an hour (depending on how prolix Elliott is that night) of all-new entertainment and comedy. WITNESS the world's first household appliance love triangle! SEE the comedy of Walker & Cantrell! ALSO SEE the comedy of sketch duo Frowned Upon! ENJOY a surprise appearance by your favorite TV detectives! BE HORRIFIED by stories of Beatles-related trauma!
And PREPARE YOURSELF for the unveiling of The Primetime Kalan Primetime Time Capsule: A Primetime Kalan Primetime Event!
Can you afford to miss this show? Not at five dollars you can't!
THE PRIMETIME KALAN - Saturday, Aug. 26th, 8:30pm
@
Jimmy's 43
43 East 7th Street
(between 2nd and 3rd Ave.)
Tix: Only $5!!
Thursday, August 10, 2006
New Primetime Kalan, Coming August 26
Hey, friends. Like I've said before, comedy slows down a bit in the summer, preferring to lie low, rather than risk a melanoma on its fair-skinned underbelly. However, things are starting to pick up again, starting with The Primetime Kalan.
Following our sell-out June show (the first in our new venue), The Primetime Kalan took a short summer break in July; but we're back in full force on August 26! Put it on your calendar now, forgetful ones! I'll probably only mention it three other times before then!
The Primetime Kalan August 26 at 8:30 PM @ Jimmy's No. 43 Located downstairs at 43 East 7th Street between 2nd and 3rd Avenue. By Subway: Take the 6 to Astor Place/ Take the R/W to 8th Street/ Take the F train to 2nd Avenue.
The cost is $5 - No drink minimum!
Our guests will be the lovely, funny Walker and Cantrell. Take a moment to visit their website, and watch their great short video, "Surviving Geddes." Or read one of the prose pieces housed there. I'm a particular fan of "So You've Knocked Over a Row of a Motorcycle Gang's Motorcyles."
Walker and Cantrell explore the exotic world of aluminum siding.
Plus, a special appearance by the funny, lovely "Frowned Upon" (AKA Devon T. Coleman and D'Arcy Erokan).
Devon points to D'Arcy, to indicate that she is, indeed, squatting atop a pedestal.
As always, the show will also feature Elliott's patented hostly stylings, a video from Brock Mahan, and writing/ performing assistance from Erik Marcisak and myself.
The Primetime Kalan will return yet again on September the 24th. Isn't it torture to wait a whole month between these things? Better make sure to go to every show, so you can load up on Primetime Kalan goodness while you can.
Also, some friends and I have something special cooking for Halloween. So stay tuned.
Following our sell-out June show (the first in our new venue), The Primetime Kalan took a short summer break in July; but we're back in full force on August 26! Put it on your calendar now, forgetful ones! I'll probably only mention it three other times before then!
The Primetime Kalan August 26 at 8:30 PM @ Jimmy's No. 43 Located downstairs at 43 East 7th Street between 2nd and 3rd Avenue. By Subway: Take the 6 to Astor Place/ Take the R/W to 8th Street/ Take the F train to 2nd Avenue.
The cost is $5 - No drink minimum!
Our guests will be the lovely, funny Walker and Cantrell. Take a moment to visit their website, and watch their great short video, "Surviving Geddes." Or read one of the prose pieces housed there. I'm a particular fan of "So You've Knocked Over a Row of a Motorcycle Gang's Motorcyles."
Walker and Cantrell explore the exotic world of aluminum siding.
Plus, a special appearance by the funny, lovely "Frowned Upon" (AKA Devon T. Coleman and D'Arcy Erokan).
Devon points to D'Arcy, to indicate that she is, indeed, squatting atop a pedestal.
As always, the show will also feature Elliott's patented hostly stylings, a video from Brock Mahan, and writing/ performing assistance from Erik Marcisak and myself.
The Primetime Kalan will return yet again on September the 24th. Isn't it torture to wait a whole month between these things? Better make sure to go to every show, so you can load up on Primetime Kalan goodness while you can.
Also, some friends and I have something special cooking for Halloween. So stay tuned.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Kalan Summer Update
After the sold-out success of the premiere of The Primetime Kalan at Jimmy's No. 43, we're taking the month of July off. (Nothing keeps the momentum going like taking a vacation right after the premiere! Soon we'll be as popular as LOST!)
However, fear not, Kalantites! Our inimitable brand of absurdist talk/ variety show will return in August and September-- Saturday August the 26th and Saturday August the 23rd, both at 8:30, to be exact. $5, no cover, as always. We've got some hilarious things planned involving stuffed animals and trench coats.
So mark your calendars for fun, if you're the sort of anal person who marks their calendars with comedy shows a month in advance. I hope you are!
Elliott has a Doogie Howser moment.
However, fear not, Kalantites! Our inimitable brand of absurdist talk/ variety show will return in August and September-- Saturday August the 26th and Saturday August the 23rd, both at 8:30, to be exact. $5, no cover, as always. We've got some hilarious things planned involving stuffed animals and trench coats.
So mark your calendars for fun, if you're the sort of anal person who marks their calendars with comedy shows a month in advance. I hope you are!
Elliott has a Doogie Howser moment.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Blurbed!
In an unprompted response to one of my previous posts, Elliott Kalan, of the smash hit "The Primetime Kalan" has provided me with the following blurb...
"Dan McCoy is a grown man with the mischievous enthusiasm of a small boy who has somehow talked his way into a teaching position at Harvard University."
Thanks, Elliott! Only a man with your "devestating, Byronic good looks"* could be so singularly perceptive!
*Source: email from E. Kalan to D. McCoy, July 12, 2006.
"Dan McCoy is a grown man with the mischievous enthusiasm of a small boy who has somehow talked his way into a teaching position at Harvard University."
Thanks, Elliott! Only a man with your "devestating, Byronic good looks"* could be so singularly perceptive!
*Source: email from E. Kalan to D. McCoy, July 12, 2006.
Friday, June 30, 2006
Movie Avalanche
Boy are you guys lucky today, because I have a Friday treat for you. All of the Superman movies that we shot for the June 24 episode of The Primetime Kalan are now up on YouTube, so you can finally judge who makes better Superman films-- us or Bryan Singer.
First up is the short written by me and starring me as Superman, with Elliot Kalan as "The Professor."
Here's the one Elliott wrote. It's got a funny script, but a word of warning: it was shot at the end of the day, when we'd stopped caring about things like... oh... "camerawork" and "lighting." So half of the shots are significantly darker than other shots, even though supposedly all the action is taking place in the same room at the same time. Please pretend that this is an intentional stylistic choice, and not evidence of certain Edward D. Wood Jr. tendencies on our part. Elliot plays Superman in this one. Oh, and look for me in the key role of "Baliff."
Here's one of the slickest-looking videos of the bunch, it's "The Battle of the Supermen" written by Erik Marcisak, who also stars as the Russian Superman. It also features Elliot's inimitable old-timey voiceover skills, as featured on The Daily Show's "The Decider" adventures.
And lastly (and probably the best-put-together of them all) here's the one written by Brock Mahan, "Superman Vs. Man and Superman." Brock stars as Superman, Elliot is George Bernard Shaw, and look for Devon T. Coleman in his one appearance as "Chauncy." Plus, I put in perhaps my finest performance, as Oscar Wilde. To research for this role, I got myself arrested for sodomy. The rest of the Kalan crew said that it really wasn't necessary, but I insisted.
Realism above all.
Well, that's the last of the Kalan videos, but here's a bonus. I discovered that another short, written by Erik and Joe Guercio (an old Kalanite, all around tech wizard, and good friend), is up on YouTube-- Frank Miller's Vatican City. I had nothing to do with the production of this one; I just think it's worth a look.
UPDATE: It has come to my attention that Elliott's Metro column this week is also all about Superman. Geez, Elliott, enough already!
First up is the short written by me and starring me as Superman, with Elliot Kalan as "The Professor."
Here's the one Elliott wrote. It's got a funny script, but a word of warning: it was shot at the end of the day, when we'd stopped caring about things like... oh... "camerawork" and "lighting." So half of the shots are significantly darker than other shots, even though supposedly all the action is taking place in the same room at the same time. Please pretend that this is an intentional stylistic choice, and not evidence of certain Edward D. Wood Jr. tendencies on our part. Elliot plays Superman in this one. Oh, and look for me in the key role of "Baliff."
Here's one of the slickest-looking videos of the bunch, it's "The Battle of the Supermen" written by Erik Marcisak, who also stars as the Russian Superman. It also features Elliot's inimitable old-timey voiceover skills, as featured on The Daily Show's "The Decider" adventures.
And lastly (and probably the best-put-together of them all) here's the one written by Brock Mahan, "Superman Vs. Man and Superman." Brock stars as Superman, Elliot is George Bernard Shaw, and look for Devon T. Coleman in his one appearance as "Chauncy." Plus, I put in perhaps my finest performance, as Oscar Wilde. To research for this role, I got myself arrested for sodomy. The rest of the Kalan crew said that it really wasn't necessary, but I insisted.
Realism above all.
Well, that's the last of the Kalan videos, but here's a bonus. I discovered that another short, written by Erik and Joe Guercio (an old Kalanite, all around tech wizard, and good friend), is up on YouTube-- Frank Miller's Vatican City. I had nothing to do with the production of this one; I just think it's worth a look.
UPDATE: It has come to my attention that Elliott's Metro column this week is also all about Superman. Geez, Elliott, enough already!
Friday, June 23, 2006
The Heat Makes Me Logy
So you may have noticed a slight slow-down in postings here, other than the seemingly endless shilling for the Primetime Kalan (debuting tomorrow!). There are a couple of reasons for that:
1. Comedy slows down in the summer. It seems counterintuitive, but it's far easier to get people to come see your show when they have to wade through ankle-deep slush than when it's nice outside. As much as people may enjoy comedy shows (hint: it's not that much), in the summer they prefer to spend their time burning meat outdoors over an open flame or sitting in an air-conditioned theater watching anthropomorphic cars fall in love (and then... what? Fuck? Does the male's exhaust pipe fit snugly into the female's gas-hole? Do child cars pop out the trunk? Do I regret typing gas-hole? The answer, to the final question at least, is yes).
2. I'm not involved in so many ongoing shows. Many of the shows I used to do (like Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You) have gone to their eternal rest. The stuff I'm doing now is either monthly, like the Primetime Kalan, or it's got a longer lead time, for production reasons, like Captains in Space. Other than that, I've just been doing guest stuff for friends who have been nice enough to ask-- like Andres' Giant Tuesday Night (which is on Summer break) or Sara's Video Gaga. (Speaking of which, Sara put her great music video ode to PowerPoint online. Go check it out.)
3. I'm intentionally taking it a little slower, because I'm working on writing a screenplay. It's my goal to have it done by the end of the year. Unfortunately, I had a significant setback recently-- I had gotten as far as having my synopsis and characters worked out, when I saw a trailer for this movie, due out in August. Grrr. My nascent screenplay had nearly the same premise... or at least close enough that anyone who read it would immediately think of this film. So it's back to square one. Oh well. As my friend Matt said, it's my own fault for naming my screenplay "Untitled Justin Long Project 2006."
Anyway, I apologize for the slow, and/ or repetitious content of late (even though, at the best of times, it's mainly just me shilling my shows). Things may pick up a bit in the fall, but in the meanwhile, take a break from pondering Cars' anatomy once in a while, and come see me live.
1. Comedy slows down in the summer. It seems counterintuitive, but it's far easier to get people to come see your show when they have to wade through ankle-deep slush than when it's nice outside. As much as people may enjoy comedy shows (hint: it's not that much), in the summer they prefer to spend their time burning meat outdoors over an open flame or sitting in an air-conditioned theater watching anthropomorphic cars fall in love (and then... what? Fuck? Does the male's exhaust pipe fit snugly into the female's gas-hole? Do child cars pop out the trunk? Do I regret typing gas-hole? The answer, to the final question at least, is yes).
2. I'm not involved in so many ongoing shows. Many of the shows I used to do (like Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You) have gone to their eternal rest. The stuff I'm doing now is either monthly, like the Primetime Kalan, or it's got a longer lead time, for production reasons, like Captains in Space. Other than that, I've just been doing guest stuff for friends who have been nice enough to ask-- like Andres' Giant Tuesday Night (which is on Summer break) or Sara's Video Gaga. (Speaking of which, Sara put her great music video ode to PowerPoint online. Go check it out.)
3. I'm intentionally taking it a little slower, because I'm working on writing a screenplay. It's my goal to have it done by the end of the year. Unfortunately, I had a significant setback recently-- I had gotten as far as having my synopsis and characters worked out, when I saw a trailer for this movie, due out in August. Grrr. My nascent screenplay had nearly the same premise... or at least close enough that anyone who read it would immediately think of this film. So it's back to square one. Oh well. As my friend Matt said, it's my own fault for naming my screenplay "Untitled Justin Long Project 2006."
Anyway, I apologize for the slow, and/ or repetitious content of late (even though, at the best of times, it's mainly just me shilling my shows). Things may pick up a bit in the fall, but in the meanwhile, take a break from pondering Cars' anatomy once in a while, and come see me live.
"I'm gonna do you tricycle-style."
UPDATE: Superfan #1, Liz, points out that the correct off-color pun would be "muffler." Kudos to you, Liz. If there was a Whither Laffs t-shirt, it would be in the mail.
* * *
UPDATE: Superfan #1, Liz, points out that the correct off-color pun would be "muffler." Kudos to you, Liz. If there was a Whither Laffs t-shirt, it would be in the mail.
New Kalan Show TOMORROW!
"Dan," you say, "You can't possibly promote the same show four times." Oh yeah? What if it's the FIRST Primetime Kalan? "Dan, that's just the same old Kalan show at a new place and time. It's not that new." Touche, I say. But Elliott's promoting it multiple times, so why can't I? Observe Elliot's words...
Hello, Kalan Fans!
You've probably seen the TV ads, bus ads, phone kiosk announcements, and blimps, but just in case you missed the blitzkrieg bombardment of publicity, I'm here to announce an all-new episode of the all-new PRIMETIME KALAN, tomorrow night, saturday, at 8:30pm!
We're at a new space, a new time, with new jokes (for once!)! It's the beginning of a glorious new era in human civilization, an era that includes the amazing wildlife of Animalologist Richard Blomquist ("The Daily Show"), the astounding magic of Patrick Terry, and if that isn't enough for you, perhaps I should mention it's our Superman show? Yes, we've hitched our wagon to the most anticipated movie of the summer without its knowledge, and we've got tons of never-before-seen exclusive "Superman" footage that we made ourselves!
Can you afford to miss all this? The answer, of course, is no.
THE PRIMETIME KALAN - Saturday, June 24th, 8:30pm
@
Jimmy 43
43 East 7th Street
(between 2nd and 3rd ave.)
Tix: $5
Friday, June 16, 2006
The Primetime Kalan Debuts June 24!
As the title says, The Primetime Kalan is ready to take off. I'll let the man himself (Elliott Kalan) do the shilling:
Hello, Kalan fans!
As you may know, the Midnight Kalan is long gone, and the New Kalan Show has died anew. But wait! Is there yet another way that Elliott can egotistically name a show after himself? YES! THERE IS!
But what should it be called? Well, it's at a new, prime time, 8:30 pm, and a new prime night, saturday, June 24th....I don't know. Waitaminute! My favorite cut of beef is prime rib! Let's call it THE PRIMETIME KALAN!
And let's celebrate this new christening with an extravaganza so big how can we fit it into the new back-room-of-a-restaurant performance space we're moving to? Hell if I know! But we're going to have to find room for the comedy of Rich Blomquist (The Daily Show), the magic of Patrick Terry (Magician!), and a crapload of Superman-related jokes and videos! And did we mention you can now come see us without being tired at work the next day?
THE PRIMETIME KALAN - Saturday, June 24th, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy's 43 43 East 7th street (between 2nd and 3rd Ave) Manhattan
Tix: $5 (a pittance!)
We hope to see you there.
Hello, Kalan fans!
As you may know, the Midnight Kalan is long gone, and the New Kalan Show has died anew. But wait! Is there yet another way that Elliott can egotistically name a show after himself? YES! THERE IS!
But what should it be called? Well, it's at a new, prime time, 8:30 pm, and a new prime night, saturday, June 24th....I don't know. Waitaminute! My favorite cut of beef is prime rib! Let's call it THE PRIMETIME KALAN!
And let's celebrate this new christening with an extravaganza so big how can we fit it into the new back-room-of-a-restaurant performance space we're moving to? Hell if I know! But we're going to have to find room for the comedy of Rich Blomquist (The Daily Show), the magic of Patrick Terry (Magician!), and a crapload of Superman-related jokes and videos! And did we mention you can now come see us without being tired at work the next day?
THE PRIMETIME KALAN - Saturday, June 24th, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy's 43 43 East 7th street (between 2nd and 3rd Ave) Manhattan
Tix: $5 (a pittance!)
We hope to see you there.
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