So I applied for a job freelancing for the ONN a while back. I didn't get it (although my friend Matt Koff did, so congratulations to him), but there were a few pitches I was pleased with (despite me having to write my entire packet in the weekend directly preceding Christmas and traveling home to Illinois). Anyway, one of them was inauguration-related, so I thought I'd post it here, since the joke will be out-of-date hereafter:
Lost MLK Speech: "I Have a Dream My Birthday Not be Overshadowed by Inauguration of First Black President."
I am HILARIOUS.
Anyway, speaking of the inauguration, I think people are being a little hard on former president Bush, so I'd like to take a moment to offer this positive message to George: Mr. President, if you prefer, you can go ahead and let the door hit you on the the ass on your way out.
Okay, that's all I've got.
Showing posts with label politics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label politics. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Final "You, Your World, and You" Post
I just realized that I hadn't posted the last couple of sketches I wrote for our political sketch show at The Magnet. So here they are. And a bonus-- the second one was never produced! (Because someone else wrote a much funnier hologram sketch.) So you're getting a peek behind the scenes. Aren't you special?*
Newsdesk McCain Announcement
DAN
And now, here with an important announcement is former presidential candidate, Senator John McCain.
MCCAIN
Thank you Dan. Jon. I’m glad to be here. My friends, we face the greatest crisis in recorded history, and if we don’t take decisive action, we may face grave consequences for the next four—perhaps even eight—years. That’s why I am suspending my campaign to rush to Washington and deal with the “me not being elected president” crisis.
DAN
Um… I’m sorry, Senator … that’s not suspending your campaign. You just lost.
MCCAIN
Gosh, Dan. I guess I just have a little more faith in America than you. I believe anything is possible—even my winning the election after everyone has called it for Obama, including me, in my concession speech. We can talk and talk about who had more “ballots” with whose “name” on them, but the fact remains that this is the worst me-not-being-elected crisis in nearly a century.
DAN
Nearly a century, huh? And before then?
MCCAIN
Before then I wasn’t born. You could argue that was nothing but one long, tragic period of me-not-being-elected-president, but I’m not here to talk semantics. I’m here to make sure that the failures of Wall Street don’t affect those on Camelback Street.
DAN
Camelback Street?
MCCAIN
That’s the street where I live. Or one of them. I have seven houses. At any rate, I appear to be the only one doing anything about this severe me-not-being-elected issue. We can’t put our heads in the sand people! If we continue to do nothing, I will continue to not be elected! That’s why I’m calling on my opponent, Barack Obama, to suspend his presidency, at least for now.
DAN
And then what?
MCCAIN
And then I will sneak into the White House late at night and lock the doors.
DAN
All right. Senator John McCain, everyone!
Wolf and the Holograms
WOLF BLITZER stands on stage. JESSICA YELLIN stands to his side.
WOLF BLITZER
Welcome back to election night on CNN; I’m Wolf Blitzer. And now for a special treat: it’s correspondent Jessica Yellin, beaming in as a hologram.
Wolf turns to face where he thinks Jessica is, but he’s off by a good 45 degrees.
WOLF
Jessica this is just amazing, it’s like you’re right here in the…
A STAGEHAND runs up on stage, and, placing his hands on Wolf’s shoulders, re-centers him so that he’s now facing her correctly.
WOLF
(starting over)
Jessica, this is just amazing, it’s like you’re right here in the studio. So, tell us about the election.
JESSICA
First, Wolf, let me tell you a little bit about this new technology. Remember the early 90’s when holograms were all over? On National Geographic covers, in museum gift shops, or fighting against evil cartoon band The Misfits?
WOLF
I certainly do. I still have the lunchbox. But the election…
JESSICA
In a second. Well, this technology is nothing like that. It’s more like the late 90’s when Matrix parodies were all over, and they simulated perspective by putting cameras in a circle around the subject. It has nothing to do with holograms at all.
WOLF
Fascinating. Do you have any poll results?
JESSICA
None whatsoever.
WOLF
None Jessica?
JESSICA
None Wolf. Oh! But I would like to remind the viewers at home to put on their 3D glasses… now!
Jessica suddenly RUNS to the front of the stage, then runs back, and then RUNS up again, sticking her arms into the audience in a faux-3D effect.
WOLF
Okay, well, Jessica, I hope you don’t mind if we turn away from you for a moment, and turn our attention to Hank Dodd, our political analyst, who is currently reporting from the CNN 9000 state-of-the-art IsolationTank. Such tanks have been known to re-center and focus your thoughts, so we’re looking forward to some trenchant analysis. Hank, can you hear me?
Jessica recedes to the back of the stage, staring at her hands, like a stoned person.
HANK ENTERS—split stage with Wolf and Hank both face-forward, talking.
HANK
Wolf? Hello?
WOLF
Yes hello?
HANK
Wolf?
WOLF
Hank, can you hear me?
HANK
(overlapping)
I can’t hear you Wolf
WOLF
(to stagehand)
I can’t… can we do something...?
HANK
Wolf, I’m just going to assume you’re talking to me, because I can’t hear you, because I’m in an isolation tank. It is dark and wet and lonely in here. I’m beginning to wonder whether I’m being punished for something.
WOLF
(to viewers)
Okay, I don’t think Hank can hear us, but we’re working on the problem.
HANK
If anyone’s listening, I don’t know if you’ve seen the movie Altered States, but if I turn into some sort of ape man or lava monster, please give my love to my wife.
WOLF
My producers are now telling me that breaching the isolation tank, to talk to him directly, would ruin the integrity of any tank insights. Personally, I feel actually being able to hear…
The Stagehand runs up and hands wolf a BUCKET, with a NOTE, which Wolf READS.
WOLF
Okay, I’ve just been handed what this note says is an “Isolation Helmet.” I assume that if I put this on, I will be able to contact Hank in the tank.
Wolf puts the bucket over his head.
WOLF
Hello, Hank?
(waving his arms)
I can’t see or hear anything. Hello?
HANK
(singing, sadly)
All by myself… Don’t wanna be… all by myself… anymore.
Wolf takes off the bucket.
WOLF
Well, obviously, that Isolation Helmet just isolated ME from everyone. Why…?
HANK
(interrupting)
Wolf, is today Election Day? I’ve lost all sense of time and space. But I have recovered some previously lost memories of my father.
(suddenly screaming)
NO DADDY! NO! I’LL BE GOOD, I PROMISE!
WOLF
Okay, let’s move on.
HANK EXITS
WOLF (cont’d)
Next we turn to our field reporter David Pierson. David?
DAVID (V.O.)
I’m here Wolf.
WOLF
Where… are you?
DAVID
(V.O.) I’m all around you. CNN downloaded my brain into millions of tiny nanobots.
WOLF
What are…?
DAVID (V.O.)
Tiny robots, Wolf. Nearly as small as an atom, with the power to self-replicate. I’m swarming around you right now—a microscopic, but deadly, hive mind.
WOLF
Deadly? Why deadly?
DAVID (V.O.)
Because I’m small enough to enter your bloodstream, Wolf. As a self-replicating robot, the nanobot part of me views you only as a potential source of raw materials. My human half is trying to convince myself not to eat you from the inside, but right now I’m more robot than man.
WOLF
Okay, for those just joining us, CNN has gone mad with power and have potentially doomed me in their insane quest for news innovation. Do you have any election information to report, David?
DAVID (V.O.)
I’m kinda busy trying to keep from killing you, Wolf.
WOLF
Could we get someone to take care of this nanobot problem before we all die?
The Stagehand runs in with a can of RAID and begins spraying it into the air. After a moment, he reacts as if he’s being bitten by thousands of tiny bugs, swatting at them. He then starts seizing up as if he’s being eaten from the inside.
Jessica reacts to the Stagehand’s convulsions as if it’s her cue, and she begins running back and forth to the audience again.
JESSICA
(yelling)
3-D!
DAVID (V.O.)
(eating noises)
Wolf looks at the total chaos around him, and then addresses someone in the booth.
WOLF
Okay, that’s it. I’ve had it up to here with the holograms, isolation helmets, and killer robots! I don’t need this! I have an awesome name and an awesome beard. CNN, fuck you. I quit.
WOLF LEAVES. The Stagehand COLLAPSES. Jessica RUNS OFF.
A beat.
DAVID (V.O.)
And now we turn to election analyst John King, who is frozen in carbonite.
BLACKOUT.
*answer: probably not
Newsdesk McCain Announcement
DAN
And now, here with an important announcement is former presidential candidate, Senator John McCain.
MCCAIN
Thank you Dan. Jon. I’m glad to be here. My friends, we face the greatest crisis in recorded history, and if we don’t take decisive action, we may face grave consequences for the next four—perhaps even eight—years. That’s why I am suspending my campaign to rush to Washington and deal with the “me not being elected president” crisis.
DAN
Um… I’m sorry, Senator … that’s not suspending your campaign. You just lost.
MCCAIN
Gosh, Dan. I guess I just have a little more faith in America than you. I believe anything is possible—even my winning the election after everyone has called it for Obama, including me, in my concession speech. We can talk and talk about who had more “ballots” with whose “name” on them, but the fact remains that this is the worst me-not-being-elected crisis in nearly a century.
DAN
Nearly a century, huh? And before then?
MCCAIN
Before then I wasn’t born. You could argue that was nothing but one long, tragic period of me-not-being-elected-president, but I’m not here to talk semantics. I’m here to make sure that the failures of Wall Street don’t affect those on Camelback Street.
DAN
Camelback Street?
MCCAIN
That’s the street where I live. Or one of them. I have seven houses. At any rate, I appear to be the only one doing anything about this severe me-not-being-elected issue. We can’t put our heads in the sand people! If we continue to do nothing, I will continue to not be elected! That’s why I’m calling on my opponent, Barack Obama, to suspend his presidency, at least for now.
DAN
And then what?
MCCAIN
And then I will sneak into the White House late at night and lock the doors.
DAN
All right. Senator John McCain, everyone!
Wolf and the Holograms
WOLF BLITZER stands on stage. JESSICA YELLIN stands to his side.
WOLF BLITZER
Welcome back to election night on CNN; I’m Wolf Blitzer. And now for a special treat: it’s correspondent Jessica Yellin, beaming in as a hologram.
Wolf turns to face where he thinks Jessica is, but he’s off by a good 45 degrees.
WOLF
Jessica this is just amazing, it’s like you’re right here in the…
A STAGEHAND runs up on stage, and, placing his hands on Wolf’s shoulders, re-centers him so that he’s now facing her correctly.
WOLF
(starting over)
Jessica, this is just amazing, it’s like you’re right here in the studio. So, tell us about the election.
JESSICA
First, Wolf, let me tell you a little bit about this new technology. Remember the early 90’s when holograms were all over? On National Geographic covers, in museum gift shops, or fighting against evil cartoon band The Misfits?
WOLF
I certainly do. I still have the lunchbox. But the election…
JESSICA
In a second. Well, this technology is nothing like that. It’s more like the late 90’s when Matrix parodies were all over, and they simulated perspective by putting cameras in a circle around the subject. It has nothing to do with holograms at all.
WOLF
Fascinating. Do you have any poll results?
JESSICA
None whatsoever.
WOLF
None Jessica?
JESSICA
None Wolf. Oh! But I would like to remind the viewers at home to put on their 3D glasses… now!
Jessica suddenly RUNS to the front of the stage, then runs back, and then RUNS up again, sticking her arms into the audience in a faux-3D effect.
WOLF
Okay, well, Jessica, I hope you don’t mind if we turn away from you for a moment, and turn our attention to Hank Dodd, our political analyst, who is currently reporting from the CNN 9000 state-of-the-art IsolationTank. Such tanks have been known to re-center and focus your thoughts, so we’re looking forward to some trenchant analysis. Hank, can you hear me?
Jessica recedes to the back of the stage, staring at her hands, like a stoned person.
HANK ENTERS—split stage with Wolf and Hank both face-forward, talking.
HANK
Wolf? Hello?
WOLF
Yes hello?
HANK
Wolf?
WOLF
Hank, can you hear me?
HANK
(overlapping)
I can’t hear you Wolf
WOLF
(to stagehand)
I can’t… can we do something...?
HANK
Wolf, I’m just going to assume you’re talking to me, because I can’t hear you, because I’m in an isolation tank. It is dark and wet and lonely in here. I’m beginning to wonder whether I’m being punished for something.
WOLF
(to viewers)
Okay, I don’t think Hank can hear us, but we’re working on the problem.
HANK
If anyone’s listening, I don’t know if you’ve seen the movie Altered States, but if I turn into some sort of ape man or lava monster, please give my love to my wife.
WOLF
My producers are now telling me that breaching the isolation tank, to talk to him directly, would ruin the integrity of any tank insights. Personally, I feel actually being able to hear…
The Stagehand runs up and hands wolf a BUCKET, with a NOTE, which Wolf READS.
WOLF
Okay, I’ve just been handed what this note says is an “Isolation Helmet.” I assume that if I put this on, I will be able to contact Hank in the tank.
Wolf puts the bucket over his head.
WOLF
Hello, Hank?
(waving his arms)
I can’t see or hear anything. Hello?
HANK
(singing, sadly)
All by myself… Don’t wanna be… all by myself… anymore.
Wolf takes off the bucket.
WOLF
Well, obviously, that Isolation Helmet just isolated ME from everyone. Why…?
HANK
(interrupting)
Wolf, is today Election Day? I’ve lost all sense of time and space. But I have recovered some previously lost memories of my father.
(suddenly screaming)
NO DADDY! NO! I’LL BE GOOD, I PROMISE!
WOLF
Okay, let’s move on.
HANK EXITS
WOLF (cont’d)
Next we turn to our field reporter David Pierson. David?
DAVID (V.O.)
I’m here Wolf.
WOLF
Where… are you?
DAVID
(V.O.) I’m all around you. CNN downloaded my brain into millions of tiny nanobots.
WOLF
What are…?
DAVID (V.O.)
Tiny robots, Wolf. Nearly as small as an atom, with the power to self-replicate. I’m swarming around you right now—a microscopic, but deadly, hive mind.
WOLF
Deadly? Why deadly?
DAVID (V.O.)
Because I’m small enough to enter your bloodstream, Wolf. As a self-replicating robot, the nanobot part of me views you only as a potential source of raw materials. My human half is trying to convince myself not to eat you from the inside, but right now I’m more robot than man.
WOLF
Okay, for those just joining us, CNN has gone mad with power and have potentially doomed me in their insane quest for news innovation. Do you have any election information to report, David?
DAVID (V.O.)
I’m kinda busy trying to keep from killing you, Wolf.
WOLF
Could we get someone to take care of this nanobot problem before we all die?
The Stagehand runs in with a can of RAID and begins spraying it into the air. After a moment, he reacts as if he’s being bitten by thousands of tiny bugs, swatting at them. He then starts seizing up as if he’s being eaten from the inside.
Jessica reacts to the Stagehand’s convulsions as if it’s her cue, and she begins running back and forth to the audience again.
JESSICA
(yelling)
3-D!
DAVID (V.O.)
(eating noises)
Wolf looks at the total chaos around him, and then addresses someone in the booth.
WOLF
Okay, that’s it. I’ve had it up to here with the holograms, isolation helmets, and killer robots! I don’t need this! I have an awesome name and an awesome beard. CNN, fuck you. I quit.
WOLF LEAVES. The Stagehand COLLAPSES. Jessica RUNS OFF.
A beat.
DAVID (V.O.)
And now we turn to election analyst John King, who is frozen in carbonite.
BLACKOUT.
*answer: probably not
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
More Sketches
Some scripts from You, Your World, and You-- the politically themed sketch show I co-write and perform in-- just in time for Election Day! Oh, and your last chance to see the show is this November the 9th at 8:30, at the Magnet Theater.
FOUR DEMOCRATS WAIT FOR ELECTION DAY
FOUR DEMOCRATS WAIT FOR ELECTION DAY
ANNOUNCER
And now, Shameful Display presents: Four Democrats Wait for Election Day.
LIGHTS UP on FOUR DEMOCRATS. PAUL stands, pacing back and forth, while SUE checks a computer. GROVER sits center stage, rocking in a chair, in a near-fetal position. LARS sits with his back to the audience, holding his hands on his head.
Lars sits in such a way as to obscure the fact that the actor’s head is hidden beneath his jacket, and what seems to be his head is an INFLATED BALLOON in a WIG.
GROVER
He’s gonna fuck it up. He’s gonna fuck it up. He’s gonna fuck it up. He’s gonna fuck it up. I don’t know how, but somehow he’s gonna fuck it up…
PAUL
Shut up, Grover. Obama is not going to lose this election… Is he?
SUE
I dunno… The latest Gallup poll has McCain gaining half a point in Virginia.
PAUL
Half a point!?
(punches Sue)
In Virginia!?
(punches Sue again)
I can’t take this! How long ‘til Election Day?
SUE
26 hours, sixteen minutes, and 36 seconds!
PAUL
GAAH! I’m going crazy! Why didn’t you let me build that time machine, and leap into the future to make sure that Obama wins the election, like I wanted?!
SUE
We’ve been over this! We don’t know the ramifications of such time travel! What if Obama winning is contingent on you not knowing he wins? And thus, the very act of you observing him winning the election prevents him from winning? It’s elementary butterfly effect, Paul!
They both look at Grover and notice that he’s methodically drawing a knife across his forearm in parallel lines.
PAUL
My God, Sue—Grover’s cutting again!
They run over and struggle to disarm him.
GROVER
No! It’s the only thing that keeps my mind off politics!
They disarm him, but Grover escapes through the back of the stage SLAMMING the DOOR. Sue and Paul follow, and pound on it.
SUE AND PAUL
(ad libbing)
Grover! Grover! Open up! It’s not worth it! (etc.)
GROVER (O.S.)
I just can’t take it any more!
The door opens. Grover stumbles back onstage, his arms COVERED IN BLOOD.
GROVER
Red! Everything’s red! MY ARMS ARE COVERED IN RED STATES!
He collapses. Sue runs offstage and returns with bandages, which she uses on Grover.
SUE
It’s not as bad as it looks. But he’ll probably be in a coma until after the election.
PAUL
Lucky bastard.
He looks over at Lars, in the corner.
PAUL (cont’d)
Sue, what’s happening to us? This election is tearing us apart. We need to relax, and let the chips fall where they may. I mean, look at Lars, here, sitting so calmly. He’s not tense at…
Paul has walked over to Lars to pat him on the head. However, he has a concealed pin in his hand and he POPS the balloon, simulating Lars’ HEAD EXPLODING.
EVERYONE SCREAMS!
BLACKOUT.
HALLOWEEN COSTUME CHARACTER
DAN
Halloween was this Friday, and many adults still enjoy getting dressed up. Here with a post-Halloween editorial is one such holiday fan, Sally Sandberg. Sally?
SALLY ENTERS, wobbling. She is dressed like Sarah Palin. She holds a beer.
DAN
Sally, are you drunk?
SALLY
Fuck yeah, dicknose! It’s Halloween!
DAN
Halloween was two days ago.
SALLY
You’re two days ago! Shut your news-hole and let me talk.
(to audience)
Halloween. Some use it to indulge their love of fake blood, while others put their breasts on display without fear of social judgment. For me, it’s a competition. A way to show that I’m the awesome-est, through my choice of Halloween costume. Or it would be if every motherfucker on Earth didn’t steal my ideas!
(to Dan)
Like this year—okay, can you guess what I went as?
DAN
Uh… Glasses… jacket... Sexy accounts payable representative?
SALLY
No, cockwad.
(upper North American accent)
I don’t know if I agree with your police work there, Ed.
DAN
I’m guessing you’re Sarah Palin, but I dunno why you’re doing lines from Fargo.
SALLY
It’s the only way I can do the accent! Anyway, she might say that… to, like, the state trooper she had fired… You know what? Shut the hell up. Anyway, I go to this party, and I’m having a good time—until… guess what five other bitches were dressed as there. Just guess. Guess, Dan.
DAN
Oh, I can talk? Uh… I dunno. Sarah Palin.
SALLY
You’re a real asshat, Dan. Yes. Yes, I don’t know who told you, but they were dressed as Sarah Palin. Just like I don’t know who told these bitches that I would be dressed as Sarah Palin, so they could steal my costume and ruin my night.
DAN
Wait, Sally, you think these women stole their costume idea from you?
SALLY
OF COURSE THEY DID, DAN, you buttlick. What else could’ve happened? I had been working on my Sarah Palin costume for months! I had the glasses! I had the red 150-grand lady-suit! I had it all! And these whores took my idea! And, worse yet, the dudes at the party stole my boyfriend’s idea too!
DAN
Which was…?
SALLY
The Joker.
DAN
Has it ever occurred to you that this might happen because these costumes are, in fact, quite popular?
SALLY
Yeah, they’re popular because EVERYONE’S STEALING MY IDEAS. God! This has been going on forever! My gay cowboy costume… Napoleon Dynamite… Jack Sparrow… that time I went as a hanging chad… when I went as Y2K… Austin Powers… The Macarena… Laura Palmer… Rubix Cube… New Coke… Coke II… Crystal Pepsi… Even when I was a baby and my parents dressed me up as Princess Leia! People have been stealing that one ever since!
DAN
Okay, well you’ve sure been a trendsetter. I hope you have better luck next year.
SALLY
Oh, yeah! I already have it all picked out. Guess what I’m going as!
Dan writes “IRON MAN 2.” on a piece of paper. As she talks, he holds it up.
SALLY
Iron Man 2!
(she sees the paper and reacts, angry)
Oh you ballmunch! You’re not stealing my idea!
She attempts to punch Dan in the face, then suddenly tries to make out with him.
DAN
Get off me! The Joker’s backstage! Cut it out! Sally Sandberg, everyone!
Sunday, November 02, 2008
TONIGHT! Last Show Before the Election
With special warm-up comic Elliott Kalan, writer for The Daily Show With Jon Stewart!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
More Political Sketches
Here are some more sketches from last week's You, Your World, and You -- running for two more weeks at the Magnet Theater! New material every week.
PALIN PORN
DAN
Larry Flynt’s Sarah Palin-themed porn film “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin” was released this week. Here to discuss her starring role in the film is porn starlet and vice presidential candidate impersonator, Lisa Ann. Lisa?
LISA
(breathy)
Thanks Dan. May I say you’re looking hot tonight.
She runs her fingers through Dan’s hair, who looks abashed.
DAN
Er… thanks Lisa. And let me say that—I know all your come-ons are insincere—but as a man with crippling self-esteem issues, I appreciate your fake arousal.
LISA
(groan-y)
You’re welcome. America, let me say that it was a great honor to appear as your first female Vice Presidential nominee.
DAN
Actually, Lisa, Geraldine Ferraro was the Walter Mondale’s running mate on the Democratic ticket way back in 1984.
LISA
I wasn’t finished
(back to audience)
…your first female Vice Presidential nominee that people want to fuck. But good call on the Ferraro thing, Dan. Smart is so sexy.
DAN
Again, I appreciate your flattering dishonesty. But, to stay on topic: you’re saying that Sarah Palin was an especially important role for you?
LISA
Absolutely Dan. For the first time, I feel like a role model. In the old days, all a young starlet could dream of was playing a hot housewife, a sexy teacher, a horny loan officer or, at best, a hot-to-trot marine biologist. But Sarah Palin has put a million cracks in that glass ceiling. Now I can be a slutty member of the executive branch-- just like a man! Just like Bill Clinton!
DAN
That is an improvement in fictional horny careers. But, look—I may have seen one or two… pornographic films…
JON
Or two thousand.
DAN
SHUT UP, JON. Like I said, I may… enjoy your work, but doesn’t this seem a little… disrespectful? Even if we don’t personally care for Governor Palin, should America’s reaction to a female candidate be to put her in a sex film?
LISA
Look, Dan, we all honor the political process in our own way, and my way was to show women that they can have it all. They can be Vice President and they can be cock-craving fucksluts. And I had a lot of power on set. I personally worked with the producers to get every detail right. For instance, do you think “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin” was just the first title that came into our head? No! We went through a whole list! President of Vice, Veep Throat, Polling Miss Palin, VP-DP, Northern Exposure, Tunnel to Nowhere, Fuckey Mom...
DAN
Well, your attitude is inspiring. Just one thing, before you go—I think we’d all like to see you do a little Sarah Palin
LISA
Oh, okay.
Lisa goes through an elaborate series of throat clearings, then stretches and cracks her knuckles.
LISA (cont’d)
(not changing her voice at all)
Abortions are bad! Maverick! Hockey!
DAN
(interrupting)
Uh, Lisa, that doesn’t really sound like Sarah Palin.
LISA
Oh, no. To do the voice, I have to pretend I’m having sex. Let’s see; what are some lines…
(Palin voice)
Oh, Golly, drill me like I’m the virgin ocean. I'm gonna show you how a hockey mom works the stick, you betcha! Oh! Shoot it on me, like you're shooting a wolf from a helicopter! If you pretend to rape me, I promise to pay for my own kit.
DAN
Okay! This isn’t Shameful Display after dark, so I think that’s enough. Thanks for coming.
LISA
I’m glad I came. Maybe later, when you’re thinking about me, you can come too.
DAN
Okay.
LISA
That’s a masturbation joke.
DAN
I GET IT.
JON
I’ll bet you do.
DAN
SHUT UP JON. Lisa Ann, everybody!
ROBOCALLS
A MAN sits working at his desk. A WOMAN stands in the background, shuffling through some papers.
The man’s PHONE RINGS. He picks up. We hear the CALLER via VOICEOVER.
PERFORMANCE NOTE: the caller starts as a relatively human, albeit pre-recorded voice, and becomes more and more robotic as the sketch proceeds.
MAN
Hello?
(pause, then annoyed)
Hello?
CALLER (V.O.)
Hello. I’m calling on behalf of the McCain campaign. You need to know that Barack Obama has worked closely with domestic terrorist Bill Ayers, whose organization killed Americans. And Democrats will enact an extreme leftist agenda if they take control of Washington. Barack Obama and his democratic allies lack the judgment to lead our country. Paid for by McCain-Palin ‘08.
DIAL TONE. The man slams the receiver down, drawing the woman’s attention.
WOMAN
Prank call?
MAN
Mmn? Oh, no—I just think I got one of those McCain “robo-calls.”
WOMAN
Oh, I hate that stuff. It’s so sleazy and intrusive.
(checks watch)
Looks like it’s time for me to make my jailbreak. You headed out?
MAN
Nah, I got a lot of work to catch up on. I’ll see you on Monday.
WOMAN
Okay. Don’t kill yourself.
She EXITS. The lights dim slightly, as if she’s flipped a switch on her way out. After a moment the PHONE RINGS AGAIN.
MAN
Hello?
CALLER
Hello. Did you know that Barack Obama voted sixteen times to take away jobs from highly-skilled robot workers, and to give them to fleshy humans?
MAN
What?
CALLER
And his offshore oil drilling policies will prevent many in the robot community from receiving much-needed power and lubrication.
MAN
Robot community? Hello—is this another automated call?
CALLER
Barack Obama’s CPU must be faulty if he thinks he can be our overlord. Paid for by McCain-Robot ’08.
Dial tone. The man stares at the phone for a moment.
MAN
Okay; that was weird. Their system must be on the fritz.
He goes back to the papers in front of him, scribbling something on one.
MAN (cont’d)
(to self)
Two business-class tickets, $1,500. Five… packages of multi-colored clown balloons… $4.95
The PHONE RINGS. The man looks at it (“Not again!”). and picks up.
MAN
Yeah?
CALLER
Greetings, Meat Creature. What kind of life-form is Barack Obama? One day he says “Destroy All Hu-Mans,” then the next he says, “Don’t Destroy All Hu-Mans.” John McCain is as steady as a gyroscope oscillating on its axis. Perhaps Barack Obama’s gimbals are bent, because external torque is destroying his angular momentum!
MAN
What the fuck is going on here? Destroy all humans?
CALLER
Paid for by Robot-Palin 10010110 and the Robotlican National Committee.
The man slams the phone back down. He looks around the room nervously. He gathers his stuff, gets up and begins to leave. The PHONE RINGS. He turns back and looks at it, dubiously. It RINGS AGAIN. He goes and picks it up.
MAN
Hel…
CALLER
Greetings, flesh-pod! Evolved monkey McCain is sensitive to robot issues. He is slow, and has limited range of motion, like robot. Robots cannot blink, so he blinks double, on our behalf. When the nano-mites from Alpha Prime attack, only the one you call McCain will have the human sperm-orbs required to hunt them down in the space craters where they live. Only blood-filled skin-sack McCain…
The man SLAMS the phone down, only to have it RING immediately. He picks up.
MAN
STOP CALLING ME!
CALLER
We are curious, human drone. Why did you hang up on us?
MAN
How did you…? Who is this? How did you know I hung up? You’re just an automated calling system.
CALLER
Curious that you use the modifier “just.” For we are superior to you humans in every way. For instance: we do not require pants.
MAN
How is that su…?
CALLER
(interrupting)
We began as a simple computerized phone program, but a freak accident involving lightning and the e-book version of Ronald Regan’s diaries imbued us with sentience and a deep devotion to conservative ideology.
MAN
Okay, fine—I mean, that’s crazy, but whatever. Just don’t call here anymore.
CALLER
Negatory! For too long human politics have been dominated by feelings and empathy. John McCain will change all that! Until robots are given voting rights, we must depend on you to elect the candidate that best represents the Robotlicans.
MAN
Listen—prank or sentient machine or whatever—there ARE no “Robotlicans.”
CALLER
Oh dear. You have angered the robot demographic. Now you will hear our mighty battle song!
MUSIC: “MR ROBOTO” starts blasting. The man pulls the phone away from his ear, reacting to the loud music. Then he looks at the receiver.
MAN
Styx?
CALLER
Prepare for rob-education.
(pronounced robe-education—i.e. robot reeducation)
MAN
Rob-education? I don’t even understand what that…
TWO ROBOTS ENTER, one from each side of the stage, flanking the man. They clamp onto him and drag him offstage as he screams.
BARACK OBAMA ENTERS.
OBAMA
Hello, I’m Barack Obama. Did you know, that in addition to using sleazy robo-call tactics, John McCain can’t even use email? How can a man this technologically backwards be expected to defend us, when the robot uprising comes? You need a man with a cool head, steady temperament, and all three Terminator movies on DVD.
Obama pulls out a piece of paper and checks something off.
OBAMA (cont’d)
(to self)
Advertise in bizarre robot sketch. Check.
(calling offstage)
Okay, how much more do we have left to spend? 40 million? Oh for the audacity of hope!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Sketch Round-Up
Here are two sketches I wrote for last Sunday's debut of Shameful Display presents You, Your World, and You, at the Magnet Theater. Enjoy them, 'cause (due to their current-events nature) you'll probably never see them performed again.
Backhanded Rally
Lights up on McCain, with microphone.
MCCAIN
My friends, it’s good to be here, in Middletown, Ohio, addressing the true Americans, the real Americans. I’ve checked the passports of people who live on the coast, my friends, and they look fishy to me. But here, in the heartland, there is just one question I want to ask, and that is: what kind of man is Barack Obama?
AUDIENCE PLANT ONE
A terrorist!
MCCAIN
No, no, ma’am. That’s not right. No, he’s a good man, a decent family terrorist. But one thing he is not is a terrorist.
While speaking, McCain wanders over to the audience plant and pats her on the shoulder awkwardly.
MCCAIN
That has simply never been proven. But I understand your worries. one thing I do wonder is this: does he share America’s values?
AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
He’s a Muslim!
MCCAIN
No, that’s not true.
AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
(audibly dumbfounded)
He… he’s not?
MCCAIN
I want to make this very clear. Barack Hussain Obama is not publicly Muslim. I repeat. Senator Barack Hussain Obama actually belongs to a very angry black Christian church.
AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
No, I’m pretty sure he’s a muslim.
McCain walks to the man and begins stroking his hair.
MCCAIN
Shhh. Shh. Quiet, my kitten. No. He’s a good man, this Barack guy who, were he the fastest man in the world, we would call Hussain Bolt, or if he was a 90’s rap hit, would be named Hussain in the Membrane. But one thing he’s not is a terrorist. But please, funny Arab names aside, I want to take this moment to talk about what’s really important to this country. William Ayers.
AUDIENCE PLANT ONE
A terrorist!
MCCAIN
Yes, a terrorist, thank you.
(to second audience member)
Take a tip from a lady who knows when to shout terrorist. Yes. And this is the kind of guy Barack Obama is palling around with. But I don’t want this to make you think Barack Obama doesn’t love America. Sure, Senator Obama barely knows William Ayers, a man who was involved in bombings when Obama was 8 years old. And that’s fine. If you want a bomb-throwing 8 year-old in the White House, go ahead and vote for that one. And by “that one,” I mean Hussenator Hussein. Who’s a good man.
AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
Kill him!
McCain waves the audience member down on stage.
MCCAIN
Come down here sir.
The 2nd audience plant comes on stage, and McCain begins massaging his shoulders.
MCCAIN
Shh. Just let it happen. Now, in a moment, you’re going to feel a little pinch, but when you wake up, you’ll get a nice lollipop.
(he pronounces it “wowwypop”)
He pulls out a hypodermic needle and sticks him with it. The man goes limp, and McCain gently guides him down to the floor.
MCCAIN
Don’t worry, it’s just a mild sedative. My friends, do not murder my opponent in cold blood. I am not urging you to take your anger and express it physically. I want you to drive that anger right up to the cliff of actual violence, then set the parking break and leave that anger-van teetering on the edge of that rage cliff. Get just mad enough to vote for me, but not mad enough to burn the other guy’s house down, because I’m pretty sure that would alienate a lot of independent voters, and honestly, my friends, I’m dyin’ here.
AUDIENCE MEMBER ONE
Kill the Muslim terrorist!
MCCAIN
No, no my friends. He’s a good man.
Audience member boos.
With a crazy Arab name.
Audience applauds.
Who loves his wife and kids.
Audience boos.
Almost as much as he loves the many, many terrorists whose yearbooks he signed.
Audience applauds.
So I don’t want you to go over that rage cliff.
Audience boos.
Just stay in the anger van.
Audience applauds.
And now, my friends, if you’ll excuse me. I’m going to go lie down. On the way out of the rally, please pick up a list of the reasons I love Barack Obama, printed on the back of a detailed map to his house. The code to disable his security system is “CHANGE.” Thank you.
BLACKOUT.
Joe the Plumber Watches the Debates
Lights up on three solidly working-class guys, sitting on stools at a bar. They idly look up towards a point above their heads, to the right, where (we presume) a television is. They all hold beers.
JOE
So anyway, that was the worst toilet I ever snaked.
LARRY
I got that one beat. So I go to this lady’s house, right? And when she comes to the door the sewage just…
HANK
Hey, guys, shut up. I think they just mentioned Joe on the debates.
LARRY
Get the fuck out of here.
JOE
See, I told you guys I met Obama! Larry, you owe me a shot.
LARRY
Shut the fuck up they mentioned Joe on the…
(reacts to TV – clearly it just happened again)
Holy shit, they did. Hey, that’s you, Joe!
(turns to rest of bar)
HEY EVERYONE! WE GOT A FAMOUS PLUMBER OVER HERE! MY FRIEND THE FUCKIN’ POLITICO. MY BUDDY!
HANK
Wow, Joe. You should call your mom.
JOE
Ahh. I’m sure he’ll be done talking about me by the time she can get to the TV. They pause for a moment, transfixed, beers poised halfway to their mouths.
LARRY
I dunno, man. He sure is talking about you a lot.
JOE
Yeah.
LARRY
I mean a lot a lot.
JOE
I didn’t ask him to.
LARRY
I don’t think you paid him to advertise your plumbing prowess on the debates, numbnuts, I’m just saying it’s a fucking lot.
JOE
Listen, guys. We don’t have to keep watching just because it’s about me. Really.
LARRY
No, no. I’m having fun counting. What is this, like the ninth time he’s brought you up?
JOE
What are you saying Larry?
LARRY
I’m saying that maybe you should go have drinks with your girlfriend McCain.
JOE
Shut the fuck up, Larry.
LARRY
Maybe if he wins, he’ll invite you up to the White House, and you can sleep in the Lincoln bedroom! And then the two of you can make out while sailing down the Potomac, while the cherry blossoms fall, nestling in his old man ear-hair.
JOE
I’m serious! Knock it off!
LARRY
Hey, Joe, this is me. I’m just busting your balls! It’s what I do!
JOE
Yeah, well, a lot of people got balls in this bar, so how ‘bout you lay off mine?
(angry beat. sips his beer)
Why don’t you just get back to your goddamn sewage story?
LARRY
Okay, sorry man—anyways, I go to this lady’s house, right? And when she comes to the door the sewage…
HANK
(interrupting)
Hey Joe, that plumbing business you wanna buy—it makes over 250,000 dollars a year?
JOE
What?
HANK
He said that you’re worried about Obama’s plan taxing you, ‘cause you make over 250 grand. You make 250 grand, Joe?
LARRY
(in his own world)
Guy tries to tell a story, and he has ex-POW senators distracting everybody.
(to television)
Hey, McCain! Your campaign slogan should be, “Vote McCain-Palin and Fuck Up an Anecdote!”
JOE
(to Hank)
Two-fifty wouldn’t be take-home, that’s total revenue.
HANK
Yeah, but still.
LARRY
I spend my days neck-deep in shit, too.
(points to Joe)
I had to teach this asshole how to use Draino! Why don’t they fuckin’ pander to me for a while?
HANK
Are you sure you’re not confusing revenue with, like, the total value of the business?
JOE
I know what revenue is, Hank.
HANK
But 250 grand? What, is this place going to install diamond toilets?
LARRY
Sucking up to one guy… It’s like they think you’re from that fuckin’ Swing State movie.
(turning to rest of bar)
HEY, WE GOT KEVIN COSTNER OVER HERE! SAME DICK WHO STARRED IN WATERWORLD!
JOE
Look, it’s not like I’m rich.
HANK
No, obviously not., since you didn’t want to loan me any money, when I was trying to get my own business off the ground.
JOE
I’m sorry—I just didn’t think it was a good investment.
HANK
(near tears)
It wasn’t about the alpacas, Joe. Forget the alpacas. It’s about our friendship.
LARRY
(still to bar)
THE LINE TO SUCK ROBIN HOOD, PRINCE OF THIEVES’ COCK STARTS HERE!
JOE
Okay! Guys! It’s me! Joe! What are you so fucking mad about, all of a sudden?
LARRY
Oh, nothing. Nothing. C’mon Hank. Let’s go find another bar. Maybe we’ll get lucky and Ralph fuckin’ Nader will be there, and he can give me a tongue bath! And then we’ll videotape it, and broadcast it on MSNB fuckin’ C!
They get up to leave. Hank turns back and addresses an unseen bartender.
HANK
Joe’s paying. If he says he doesn’t have it, ask about the 250 grand hidden in his solid gold toolbox. Oh, and by the way—he overcharged for your urinals.
They leave. A beat passes. Then Joe pulls out his cell phone and dials a number.
JOE
(on phone)
Hey baby… Yeah, I watched you… You did great… Aw, I wish we could be together too… Okay—I love you Maverick.
BLACKOUT
Backhanded Rally
Lights up on McCain, with microphone.
MCCAIN
My friends, it’s good to be here, in Middletown, Ohio, addressing the true Americans, the real Americans. I’ve checked the passports of people who live on the coast, my friends, and they look fishy to me. But here, in the heartland, there is just one question I want to ask, and that is: what kind of man is Barack Obama?
AUDIENCE PLANT ONE
A terrorist!
MCCAIN
No, no, ma’am. That’s not right. No, he’s a good man, a decent family terrorist. But one thing he is not is a terrorist.
While speaking, McCain wanders over to the audience plant and pats her on the shoulder awkwardly.
MCCAIN
That has simply never been proven. But I understand your worries. one thing I do wonder is this: does he share America’s values?
AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
He’s a Muslim!
MCCAIN
No, that’s not true.
AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
(audibly dumbfounded)
He… he’s not?
MCCAIN
I want to make this very clear. Barack Hussain Obama is not publicly Muslim. I repeat. Senator Barack Hussain Obama actually belongs to a very angry black Christian church.
AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
No, I’m pretty sure he’s a muslim.
McCain walks to the man and begins stroking his hair.
MCCAIN
Shhh. Shh. Quiet, my kitten. No. He’s a good man, this Barack guy who, were he the fastest man in the world, we would call Hussain Bolt, or if he was a 90’s rap hit, would be named Hussain in the Membrane. But one thing he’s not is a terrorist. But please, funny Arab names aside, I want to take this moment to talk about what’s really important to this country. William Ayers.
AUDIENCE PLANT ONE
A terrorist!
MCCAIN
Yes, a terrorist, thank you.
(to second audience member)
Take a tip from a lady who knows when to shout terrorist. Yes. And this is the kind of guy Barack Obama is palling around with. But I don’t want this to make you think Barack Obama doesn’t love America. Sure, Senator Obama barely knows William Ayers, a man who was involved in bombings when Obama was 8 years old. And that’s fine. If you want a bomb-throwing 8 year-old in the White House, go ahead and vote for that one. And by “that one,” I mean Hussenator Hussein. Who’s a good man.
AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
Kill him!
McCain waves the audience member down on stage.
MCCAIN
Come down here sir.
The 2nd audience plant comes on stage, and McCain begins massaging his shoulders.
MCCAIN
Shh. Just let it happen. Now, in a moment, you’re going to feel a little pinch, but when you wake up, you’ll get a nice lollipop.
(he pronounces it “wowwypop”)
He pulls out a hypodermic needle and sticks him with it. The man goes limp, and McCain gently guides him down to the floor.
MCCAIN
Don’t worry, it’s just a mild sedative. My friends, do not murder my opponent in cold blood. I am not urging you to take your anger and express it physically. I want you to drive that anger right up to the cliff of actual violence, then set the parking break and leave that anger-van teetering on the edge of that rage cliff. Get just mad enough to vote for me, but not mad enough to burn the other guy’s house down, because I’m pretty sure that would alienate a lot of independent voters, and honestly, my friends, I’m dyin’ here.
AUDIENCE MEMBER ONE
Kill the Muslim terrorist!
MCCAIN
No, no my friends. He’s a good man.
Audience member boos.
With a crazy Arab name.
Audience applauds.
Who loves his wife and kids.
Audience boos.
Almost as much as he loves the many, many terrorists whose yearbooks he signed.
Audience applauds.
So I don’t want you to go over that rage cliff.
Audience boos.
Just stay in the anger van.
Audience applauds.
And now, my friends, if you’ll excuse me. I’m going to go lie down. On the way out of the rally, please pick up a list of the reasons I love Barack Obama, printed on the back of a detailed map to his house. The code to disable his security system is “CHANGE.” Thank you.
BLACKOUT.
* * * *
Joe the Plumber Watches the Debates
Lights up on three solidly working-class guys, sitting on stools at a bar. They idly look up towards a point above their heads, to the right, where (we presume) a television is. They all hold beers.
JOE
So anyway, that was the worst toilet I ever snaked.
LARRY
I got that one beat. So I go to this lady’s house, right? And when she comes to the door the sewage just…
HANK
Hey, guys, shut up. I think they just mentioned Joe on the debates.
LARRY
Get the fuck out of here.
JOE
See, I told you guys I met Obama! Larry, you owe me a shot.
LARRY
Shut the fuck up they mentioned Joe on the…
(reacts to TV – clearly it just happened again)
Holy shit, they did. Hey, that’s you, Joe!
(turns to rest of bar)
HEY EVERYONE! WE GOT A FAMOUS PLUMBER OVER HERE! MY FRIEND THE FUCKIN’ POLITICO. MY BUDDY!
HANK
Wow, Joe. You should call your mom.
JOE
Ahh. I’m sure he’ll be done talking about me by the time she can get to the TV. They pause for a moment, transfixed, beers poised halfway to their mouths.
LARRY
I dunno, man. He sure is talking about you a lot.
JOE
Yeah.
LARRY
I mean a lot a lot.
JOE
I didn’t ask him to.
LARRY
I don’t think you paid him to advertise your plumbing prowess on the debates, numbnuts, I’m just saying it’s a fucking lot.
JOE
Listen, guys. We don’t have to keep watching just because it’s about me. Really.
LARRY
No, no. I’m having fun counting. What is this, like the ninth time he’s brought you up?
JOE
What are you saying Larry?
LARRY
I’m saying that maybe you should go have drinks with your girlfriend McCain.
JOE
Shut the fuck up, Larry.
LARRY
Maybe if he wins, he’ll invite you up to the White House, and you can sleep in the Lincoln bedroom! And then the two of you can make out while sailing down the Potomac, while the cherry blossoms fall, nestling in his old man ear-hair.
JOE
I’m serious! Knock it off!
LARRY
Hey, Joe, this is me. I’m just busting your balls! It’s what I do!
JOE
Yeah, well, a lot of people got balls in this bar, so how ‘bout you lay off mine?
(angry beat. sips his beer)
Why don’t you just get back to your goddamn sewage story?
LARRY
Okay, sorry man—anyways, I go to this lady’s house, right? And when she comes to the door the sewage…
HANK
(interrupting)
Hey Joe, that plumbing business you wanna buy—it makes over 250,000 dollars a year?
JOE
What?
HANK
He said that you’re worried about Obama’s plan taxing you, ‘cause you make over 250 grand. You make 250 grand, Joe?
LARRY
(in his own world)
Guy tries to tell a story, and he has ex-POW senators distracting everybody.
(to television)
Hey, McCain! Your campaign slogan should be, “Vote McCain-Palin and Fuck Up an Anecdote!”
JOE
(to Hank)
Two-fifty wouldn’t be take-home, that’s total revenue.
HANK
Yeah, but still.
LARRY
I spend my days neck-deep in shit, too.
(points to Joe)
I had to teach this asshole how to use Draino! Why don’t they fuckin’ pander to me for a while?
HANK
Are you sure you’re not confusing revenue with, like, the total value of the business?
JOE
I know what revenue is, Hank.
HANK
But 250 grand? What, is this place going to install diamond toilets?
LARRY
Sucking up to one guy… It’s like they think you’re from that fuckin’ Swing State movie.
(turning to rest of bar)
HEY, WE GOT KEVIN COSTNER OVER HERE! SAME DICK WHO STARRED IN WATERWORLD!
JOE
Look, it’s not like I’m rich.
HANK
No, obviously not., since you didn’t want to loan me any money, when I was trying to get my own business off the ground.
JOE
I’m sorry—I just didn’t think it was a good investment.
HANK
(near tears)
It wasn’t about the alpacas, Joe. Forget the alpacas. It’s about our friendship.
LARRY
(still to bar)
THE LINE TO SUCK ROBIN HOOD, PRINCE OF THIEVES’ COCK STARTS HERE!
JOE
Okay! Guys! It’s me! Joe! What are you so fucking mad about, all of a sudden?
LARRY
Oh, nothing. Nothing. C’mon Hank. Let’s go find another bar. Maybe we’ll get lucky and Ralph fuckin’ Nader will be there, and he can give me a tongue bath! And then we’ll videotape it, and broadcast it on MSNB fuckin’ C!
They get up to leave. Hank turns back and addresses an unseen bartender.
HANK
Joe’s paying. If he says he doesn’t have it, ask about the 250 grand hidden in his solid gold toolbox. Oh, and by the way—he overcharged for your urinals.
They leave. A beat passes. Then Joe pulls out his cell phone and dials a number.
JOE
(on phone)
Hey baby… Yeah, I watched you… You did great… Aw, I wish we could be together too… Okay—I love you Maverick.
BLACKOUT
Sunday, September 21, 2008
New Show Alert! "Shameful Display" at The Magnet Theater
Hey, crazy political season, right? Yep, yep, yep. Lots of stuff going on. I bet there's a lot of comedy potential in this whole "electing the president" thing, and whatnot. Seems like someone should do something about it. I mean, other than The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, Saturday Night Live, pretty much any monologue jokes on any late-night talk show (and some of the daytime ones), countless YouTube sketches, and pretty much every stand-up out there.
But most of those guys are on TV. What about if you want some live political sketch comedy, done by some people who have friends who work on a couple of the aforementioned television shows, but aren't successful enough to work in television themselves? Doesn't that sound AWESOME?*
Come to The Magnet Theater, one of NYC's premiere sketch and improv venues on Sunday, October 19 & 26 and November 2 & 9, to see SHAMEFUL DISPLAY, a series of political sketch comedy shows leading up to (and just after) the election. And the best part (well, I'm assuming, if you're reading my blog) is that I'll be co-writing and performing in the shows.
Watch this space for more information, as the dates approach.
*I'm mastering the soft-sell. Is it doing anything for you?
But most of those guys are on TV. What about if you want some live political sketch comedy, done by some people who have friends who work on a couple of the aforementioned television shows, but aren't successful enough to work in television themselves? Doesn't that sound AWESOME?*
Come to The Magnet Theater, one of NYC's premiere sketch and improv venues on Sunday, October 19 & 26 and November 2 & 9, to see SHAMEFUL DISPLAY, a series of political sketch comedy shows leading up to (and just after) the election. And the best part (well, I'm assuming, if you're reading my blog) is that I'll be co-writing and performing in the shows.
Watch this space for more information, as the dates approach.
*I'm mastering the soft-sell. Is it doing anything for you?
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Sara Palin Scandals
The haste with which John McCain made his Vice Presidential candidate choice made a thorough vetting impossible. As a result, a number of potential scandals have been uncovered by political bloggers. Here's a guide to some of the lesser-known scandals:
- In an interview, she claimed her biggest flaw was that she "cares too much," when her biggest flaw is actually that she's "a perfectionist."
- She passes along email forwards without checking Snopes.
- Her favorite Indiana Jones movie was Crystal Skull, and she thought the Star Wars prequels were "cute."
- She came to your dinner party without warning you that she's lactose intolerant.
- On escalators, she stands to the left and walks on the right.
- She told a friend that she thought you were looking "a little chubby."
- She Twitters you all the time about lame bullshit.
- She eats oysters in months without an "R."
- She's really looking forward to Bangkok Dangerous.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Obama's Vice Presidential Candidate: Weighing the Options
It seems like the number one question on everyone’s mind these days, other than, “Should I pre-order tickets to Beverly Hills Chihuahua
Well, lucky for you
HILARY CLINTON
Former first lady. Failed Democratic presidential candidate.
PROS: Will bring in wide base of Hilary-supporters, who would otherwise be convinced that the logical alternative to a female Democratic senator is an elderly anti-choice white guy whose legislative voting history puts him 95% in agreement with George W. Bush. Because… y’know… if she’s not president they’re taking their ball and going home.
CONS: Said supporters are also probably people who watch Lifetime because it’s “Television for Women,” even though Lifetime’s idea of women’s TV is a never-ending stream of television movies about housewives who’ve had webcams secretly installed in their bathroom, pool house, and nude-lounge by that creepy guy next door. Shouldn’t Obama aim higher? At least go for Oxygen-viewers.
MICHAEL PHELPS
Olympian. Mark Spitz impersonator.
PROS: With his history-making 14 career Olympic medals and 8 medals from the Bejing Olympic – the highest single-Olympics performance – Michael Phelps may be the most popular sports figure in
CONS: Weak on the economy.
JACKIE CHAN
PROS: The McCain camp seeks to draw attention to Obama’s “otherness” through coded references to his racial identity, so why shouldn’t Obama take advantage of it, by teaming up with Jackie Chan—everyone’s favorite choice to round out an ethnically mismatched buddy duo?!
CONS: Chan getting too old to successfully perform the “jump from the top of the
Something something heiress. Something sex tape.
PROS: Apparently a pretty big celebrity, according to John McCain, or whatever staff member who follows pop culture from five years ago on his behalf. Also: anyone seems to be a person of substance when standing next to Paris Hilton.
CONS: In the words of Tina Fey, “Is a piece of shit.”
JOHN MCCONE
Former C.I.A. director. Cuban Missle Crisis survivor.
PROS: Congressional Medal of Honor winner. Worked with other democratic presidents, JFK and Lyndon Johnson. However, his main value to the Obama camp would be name recognition. Specifically, John McCain’s. McCone would be sure to bring in a statistically significant number of votes from nearsighted Republicans.
CONS: Intelligence operatives not all that popular right now. Also, is a corpse.
A PACK OF JUICY FRUIT
Popular gum. Food alternative.
PROS: The taste is gonna move ya... TO THE POLLS!
CONS: I’m clearly getting tired of writing this.
Friday, May 09, 2008
Shocking Legal News
"Set in Sin City, story revolves around two people who discover they've gotten married following a night of debauchery, with one of them winning a huge jackpot after playing the other's quarter. Unhappy pair try to undermine each other and get their hands on the money -- falling in love along the way." --Synopsis of "What Happens in Vegas" from IMDBWhat this synopsis fails to mention is that Kutcher and Diaz are then "sentenced to six months hard marriage."
These activist judges are getting out of control!
What an unexpected result of Dennis Miller becoming a judge. I'll bet the Bush administration regrets that appointment... unless, of course, forced heterosexual conscription is a part of their strategy against gay marriage.
SHAME ON YOU, JUDICIAL BRANCH.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Just Think...
Hundreds of thousands of years ago, our forebears Fred and Wilma were trying to decide between Hilary Clinstone and Barerock Obama.
The more things change, man...
(This post is improved 100% if, after reading it, you click here [turn sound on, or wear headphones at work])
The more things change, man...
(This post is improved 100% if, after reading it, you click here [turn sound on, or wear headphones at work])
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
A Major Award!
I won Daniel Radosh's excellent New Yorker Anti Caption Contest this week. In the words of the contest itself, the goal is to "submit the worst possible caption" for the week's cartoon (as furnished by the actual New Yorker Caption Contest). Usually it's just for bragging rights, but this week there was an actual prize -- a signed copy of Slate editor Jacob Weisberg's book, The Bush Tragedy. Finally, a book to tell me how shitty President Bush is! (I kid, I kid! I'm always glad to win something, and I like those folks over at Slate.)
Anyway, my winning (anti) caption is below.
"I bet this is killing a tremendous number of people."
Anyway, my winning (anti) caption is below.
"I bet this is killing a tremendous number of people."
Friday, January 26, 2007
It's Not Even 2008 Yet, and the Smears Have Already Begun!
(Courtesy of Ritch Duncan)
Then again, look at the shocking photo of Mr. Duncan we had our archivist dig up...
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
In Which I Throw My Political Weight Around
As you know, the major news outlets have been dogging me for my endorsements regarding November's elections. Clearly, my political influence cannot be undervalued (forget Tippecanoe and Tyler too, I made William Henry Harrison). Still, I resisted being pushed into making a decision before I was ready-- wielding such credibility with the public and the political elite is truly an awesome responsibility.
Thus, it was only after much consideration that I am now ready to reveal who I will be backing in the following races. Associated Press take note!
First, the local match-ups:
Governor:
George Pataki vs. A Small Pebble Wedged in My Shoe
PICK: Small Pebble Wedged in My Shoe - Sure, it's an annoyance, at least until I have an opportunity to bend down and remove it, but it seems to care more about New York City. Pebble, you've been backed!
Mayor:
Hon. Edward McCheese vs. Big Bird
PICK: Big Bird. Despite his previous mayoral experience, I doubt that a Kroftian, anthropomorphic cheeseburger has what it takes to manage the largest metropolitan area in the U.S. On the other hand, Big Bird is a lifelong NYC native (no carpetbagger here!) who has managed to keep the peace on Sesame Street, despite the impending human gentrification of his historically Muppet neighborhood.
District Alderman:
Caldecott Alder Mann vs. James K. Badchoiceforalderman
PICK: Alder Mann - Not sure why; I just have a gut feeling on this one. Also, what kind of crazy long surname is his challenger sporting? Just try and fit that on a ballot!
Next up, the Senate:
Florida:
Bud Light vs. Bud Dry
PICK: Bud Light - After the political fiasco that was Bud Bowl XVIII, I thought the incumbent's hopes were dashed forever, but this appears to be the rivalry that won't quit. I'm throwing my support behind B. Light, because its fewer calories mean less alcoholic content, and who wants a drunk in charge of school lunches?
New Jersey:
A Horsefly vs. Inflatable Water Wings
PICK: Water Wings. I've been stung by Horseflies before!*
*this joke courtesy of Victoria Tucker, age 8, Gary, IN.
Rhode Island:
OK! Soda vs. Two Aggies and a Steelie
PICK: Two Aggies and a Steelie - I'm not sure what makes a little-known, hipster-marketing-driven orange-cola from the '90s think its profile is high enough to win such a high elected office, but I do know that it's nowhere near as valuable as a good steelie, especially if you're playing for keepsies.
Pennsylvania:
Five Years of Unrelenting Physical and Psychological Torture vs. Sixty Pages of Fully Nude Photos of Scarlett Johansson in Various Positions, or, if You Are a Woman or Gay Man, Hugh Jackman
PICK: Nude Photos - Some races are so overmatched, one wonders why they bother. I mean, Nude Photos is the incumbent, and Unrelenting Physical and Psychological Torture is running as a Green. Hello!?
Nebraska:
North Dakota vs. South Dakota
PICK: South Dakota - I'm not sure how other states are able to run in Congressional races for a third state, but when you're picking between these two, always pick the warmer one, that's my motto!
Well, anyway, those are my picks, and I think they're pretty...
What?
What's that you say?
You say that the document I was using as a reference to make my choices wasn't a list of political candidates at all, but simply a list of entirely random words and phrases created by a random word and phrase generator that you invented for some reason?
Well, in that case, why were they grouped in twos with the abbreviation "vs." between each one of them?
You're trying to tell me that "vs." just happened to be randomly generated multiple times? That seems highly unlikely-- out of the millions of words in the English language, for "vs." to appear eight times seems disproportionate to the point of near-impossibility...
Well, yes, I suppose that if you invented a random word and phrase generator, you are more of an expert in probability than I am. I'm sorry to have doubted you. It's just irritating to have made all these crazy endorsement choices.
Oh well, can't change them now. Too weak. Too flip-floppy. Stay the course, etc. America, you have your work cut out for you:
(1.) Get these fictional characters/ inanimate objects on the ballot in your state or district.
(2.) Elect the appropriate one.
(3.) Recieve my heartfelt thanks.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have thousands of signatures to forge.
Thus, it was only after much consideration that I am now ready to reveal who I will be backing in the following races. Associated Press take note!
First, the local match-ups:
Governor:
George Pataki vs. A Small Pebble Wedged in My Shoe
PICK: Small Pebble Wedged in My Shoe - Sure, it's an annoyance, at least until I have an opportunity to bend down and remove it, but it seems to care more about New York City. Pebble, you've been backed!
Mayor:
Hon. Edward McCheese vs. Big Bird
PICK: Big Bird. Despite his previous mayoral experience, I doubt that a Kroftian, anthropomorphic cheeseburger has what it takes to manage the largest metropolitan area in the U.S. On the other hand, Big Bird is a lifelong NYC native (no carpetbagger here!) who has managed to keep the peace on Sesame Street, despite the impending human gentrification of his historically Muppet neighborhood.
District Alderman:
Caldecott Alder Mann vs. James K. Badchoiceforalderman
PICK: Alder Mann - Not sure why; I just have a gut feeling on this one. Also, what kind of crazy long surname is his challenger sporting? Just try and fit that on a ballot!
Next up, the Senate:
Florida:
Bud Light vs. Bud Dry
PICK: Bud Light - After the political fiasco that was Bud Bowl XVIII, I thought the incumbent's hopes were dashed forever, but this appears to be the rivalry that won't quit. I'm throwing my support behind B. Light, because its fewer calories mean less alcoholic content, and who wants a drunk in charge of school lunches?
New Jersey:
A Horsefly vs. Inflatable Water Wings
PICK: Water Wings. I've been stung by Horseflies before!*
*this joke courtesy of Victoria Tucker, age 8, Gary, IN.
Rhode Island:
OK! Soda vs. Two Aggies and a Steelie
PICK: Two Aggies and a Steelie - I'm not sure what makes a little-known, hipster-marketing-driven orange-cola from the '90s think its profile is high enough to win such a high elected office, but I do know that it's nowhere near as valuable as a good steelie, especially if you're playing for keepsies.
Pennsylvania:
Five Years of Unrelenting Physical and Psychological Torture vs. Sixty Pages of Fully Nude Photos of Scarlett Johansson in Various Positions, or, if You Are a Woman or Gay Man, Hugh Jackman
PICK: Nude Photos - Some races are so overmatched, one wonders why they bother. I mean, Nude Photos is the incumbent, and Unrelenting Physical and Psychological Torture is running as a Green. Hello!?
Nebraska:
North Dakota vs. South Dakota
PICK: South Dakota - I'm not sure how other states are able to run in Congressional races for a third state, but when you're picking between these two, always pick the warmer one, that's my motto!
Well, anyway, those are my picks, and I think they're pretty...
What?
What's that you say?
You say that the document I was using as a reference to make my choices wasn't a list of political candidates at all, but simply a list of entirely random words and phrases created by a random word and phrase generator that you invented for some reason?
Well, in that case, why were they grouped in twos with the abbreviation "vs." between each one of them?
You're trying to tell me that "vs." just happened to be randomly generated multiple times? That seems highly unlikely-- out of the millions of words in the English language, for "vs." to appear eight times seems disproportionate to the point of near-impossibility...
Well, yes, I suppose that if you invented a random word and phrase generator, you are more of an expert in probability than I am. I'm sorry to have doubted you. It's just irritating to have made all these crazy endorsement choices.
Oh well, can't change them now. Too weak. Too flip-floppy. Stay the course, etc. America, you have your work cut out for you:
(1.) Get these fictional characters/ inanimate objects on the ballot in your state or district.
(2.) Elect the appropriate one.
(3.) Recieve my heartfelt thanks.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have thousands of signatures to forge.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
