I just realized that I hadn't posted the last couple of sketches I wrote for our political sketch show at The Magnet. So here they are. And a bonus-- the second one was never produced! (Because someone else wrote a much funnier hologram sketch.) So you're getting a peek behind the scenes. Aren't you special?*
Newsdesk McCain Announcement
DAN
And now, here with an important announcement is former presidential candidate, Senator John McCain.
MCCAIN
Thank you Dan. Jon. I’m glad to be here. My friends, we face the greatest crisis in recorded history, and if we don’t take decisive action, we may face grave consequences for the next four—perhaps even eight—years. That’s why I am suspending my campaign to rush to Washington and deal with the “me not being elected president” crisis.
DAN
Um… I’m sorry, Senator … that’s not suspending your campaign. You just lost.
MCCAIN
Gosh, Dan. I guess I just have a little more faith in America than you. I believe anything is possible—even my winning the election after everyone has called it for Obama, including me, in my concession speech. We can talk and talk about who had more “ballots” with whose “name” on them, but the fact remains that this is the worst me-not-being-elected crisis in nearly a century.
DAN
Nearly a century, huh? And before then?
MCCAIN
Before then I wasn’t born. You could argue that was nothing but one long, tragic period of me-not-being-elected-president, but I’m not here to talk semantics. I’m here to make sure that the failures of Wall Street don’t affect those on Camelback Street.
DAN
Camelback Street?
MCCAIN
That’s the street where I live. Or one of them. I have seven houses. At any rate, I appear to be the only one doing anything about this severe me-not-being-elected issue. We can’t put our heads in the sand people! If we continue to do nothing, I will continue to not be elected! That’s why I’m calling on my opponent, Barack Obama, to suspend his presidency, at least for now.
DAN
And then what?
MCCAIN
And then I will sneak into the White House late at night and lock the doors.
DAN
All right. Senator John McCain, everyone!
Wolf and the Holograms
WOLF BLITZER stands on stage. JESSICA YELLIN stands to his side.
WOLF BLITZER
Welcome back to election night on CNN; I’m Wolf Blitzer. And now for a special treat: it’s correspondent Jessica Yellin, beaming in as a hologram.
Wolf turns to face where he thinks Jessica is, but he’s off by a good 45 degrees.
WOLF
Jessica this is just amazing, it’s like you’re right here in the…
A STAGEHAND runs up on stage, and, placing his hands on Wolf’s shoulders, re-centers him so that he’s now facing her correctly.
WOLF
(starting over)
Jessica, this is just amazing, it’s like you’re right here in the studio. So, tell us about the election.
JESSICA
First, Wolf, let me tell you a little bit about this new technology. Remember the early 90’s when holograms were all over? On National Geographic covers, in museum gift shops, or fighting against evil cartoon band The Misfits?
WOLF
I certainly do. I still have the lunchbox. But the election…
JESSICA
In a second. Well, this technology is nothing like that. It’s more like the late 90’s when Matrix parodies were all over, and they simulated perspective by putting cameras in a circle around the subject. It has nothing to do with holograms at all.
WOLF
Fascinating. Do you have any poll results?
JESSICA
None whatsoever.
WOLF
None Jessica?
JESSICA
None Wolf. Oh! But I would like to remind the viewers at home to put on their 3D glasses… now!
Jessica suddenly RUNS to the front of the stage, then runs back, and then RUNS up again, sticking her arms into the audience in a faux-3D effect.
WOLF
Okay, well, Jessica, I hope you don’t mind if we turn away from you for a moment, and turn our attention to Hank Dodd, our political analyst, who is currently reporting from the CNN 9000 state-of-the-art IsolationTank. Such tanks have been known to re-center and focus your thoughts, so we’re looking forward to some trenchant analysis. Hank, can you hear me?
Jessica recedes to the back of the stage, staring at her hands, like a stoned person.
HANK ENTERS—split stage with Wolf and Hank both face-forward, talking.
HANK
Wolf? Hello?
WOLF
Yes hello?
HANK
Wolf?
WOLF
Hank, can you hear me?
HANK
(overlapping)
I can’t hear you Wolf
WOLF
(to stagehand)
I can’t… can we do something...?
HANK
Wolf, I’m just going to assume you’re talking to me, because I can’t hear you, because I’m in an isolation tank. It is dark and wet and lonely in here. I’m beginning to wonder whether I’m being punished for something.
WOLF
(to viewers)
Okay, I don’t think Hank can hear us, but we’re working on the problem.
HANK
If anyone’s listening, I don’t know if you’ve seen the movie Altered States, but if I turn into some sort of ape man or lava monster, please give my love to my wife.
WOLF
My producers are now telling me that breaching the isolation tank, to talk to him directly, would ruin the integrity of any tank insights. Personally, I feel actually being able to hear…
The Stagehand runs up and hands wolf a BUCKET, with a NOTE, which Wolf READS.
WOLF
Okay, I’ve just been handed what this note says is an “Isolation Helmet.” I assume that if I put this on, I will be able to contact Hank in the tank.
Wolf puts the bucket over his head.
WOLF
Hello, Hank?
(waving his arms)
I can’t see or hear anything. Hello?
HANK
(singing, sadly)
All by myself… Don’t wanna be… all by myself… anymore.
Wolf takes off the bucket.
WOLF
Well, obviously, that Isolation Helmet just isolated ME from everyone. Why…?
HANK
(interrupting)
Wolf, is today Election Day? I’ve lost all sense of time and space. But I have recovered some previously lost memories of my father.
(suddenly screaming)
NO DADDY! NO! I’LL BE GOOD, I PROMISE!
WOLF
Okay, let’s move on.
HANK EXITS
WOLF (cont’d)
Next we turn to our field reporter David Pierson. David?
DAVID (V.O.)
I’m here Wolf.
WOLF
Where… are you?
DAVID
(V.O.) I’m all around you. CNN downloaded my brain into millions of tiny nanobots.
WOLF
What are…?
DAVID (V.O.)
Tiny robots, Wolf. Nearly as small as an atom, with the power to self-replicate. I’m swarming around you right now—a microscopic, but deadly, hive mind.
WOLF
Deadly? Why deadly?
DAVID (V.O.)
Because I’m small enough to enter your bloodstream, Wolf. As a self-replicating robot, the nanobot part of me views you only as a potential source of raw materials. My human half is trying to convince myself not to eat you from the inside, but right now I’m more robot than man.
WOLF
Okay, for those just joining us, CNN has gone mad with power and have potentially doomed me in their insane quest for news innovation. Do you have any election information to report, David?
DAVID (V.O.)
I’m kinda busy trying to keep from killing you, Wolf.
WOLF
Could we get someone to take care of this nanobot problem before we all die?
The Stagehand runs in with a can of RAID and begins spraying it into the air. After a moment, he reacts as if he’s being bitten by thousands of tiny bugs, swatting at them. He then starts seizing up as if he’s being eaten from the inside.
Jessica reacts to the Stagehand’s convulsions as if it’s her cue, and she begins running back and forth to the audience again.
JESSICA
(yelling)
3-D!
DAVID (V.O.)
(eating noises)
Wolf looks at the total chaos around him, and then addresses someone in the booth.
WOLF
Okay, that’s it. I’ve had it up to here with the holograms, isolation helmets, and killer robots! I don’t need this! I have an awesome name and an awesome beard. CNN, fuck you. I quit.
WOLF LEAVES. The Stagehand COLLAPSES. Jessica RUNS OFF.
A beat.
DAVID (V.O.)
And now we turn to election analyst John King, who is frozen in carbonite.
BLACKOUT.
*answer: probably not
Showing posts with label show recaps. Show all posts
Showing posts with label show recaps. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
More Political Sketches
Here are some more sketches from last week's You, Your World, and You -- running for two more weeks at the Magnet Theater! New material every week.
PALIN PORN
DAN
Larry Flynt’s Sarah Palin-themed porn film “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin” was released this week. Here to discuss her starring role in the film is porn starlet and vice presidential candidate impersonator, Lisa Ann. Lisa?
LISA
(breathy)
Thanks Dan. May I say you’re looking hot tonight.
She runs her fingers through Dan’s hair, who looks abashed.
DAN
Er… thanks Lisa. And let me say that—I know all your come-ons are insincere—but as a man with crippling self-esteem issues, I appreciate your fake arousal.
LISA
(groan-y)
You’re welcome. America, let me say that it was a great honor to appear as your first female Vice Presidential nominee.
DAN
Actually, Lisa, Geraldine Ferraro was the Walter Mondale’s running mate on the Democratic ticket way back in 1984.
LISA
I wasn’t finished
(back to audience)
…your first female Vice Presidential nominee that people want to fuck. But good call on the Ferraro thing, Dan. Smart is so sexy.
DAN
Again, I appreciate your flattering dishonesty. But, to stay on topic: you’re saying that Sarah Palin was an especially important role for you?
LISA
Absolutely Dan. For the first time, I feel like a role model. In the old days, all a young starlet could dream of was playing a hot housewife, a sexy teacher, a horny loan officer or, at best, a hot-to-trot marine biologist. But Sarah Palin has put a million cracks in that glass ceiling. Now I can be a slutty member of the executive branch-- just like a man! Just like Bill Clinton!
DAN
That is an improvement in fictional horny careers. But, look—I may have seen one or two… pornographic films…
JON
Or two thousand.
DAN
SHUT UP, JON. Like I said, I may… enjoy your work, but doesn’t this seem a little… disrespectful? Even if we don’t personally care for Governor Palin, should America’s reaction to a female candidate be to put her in a sex film?
LISA
Look, Dan, we all honor the political process in our own way, and my way was to show women that they can have it all. They can be Vice President and they can be cock-craving fucksluts. And I had a lot of power on set. I personally worked with the producers to get every detail right. For instance, do you think “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin” was just the first title that came into our head? No! We went through a whole list! President of Vice, Veep Throat, Polling Miss Palin, VP-DP, Northern Exposure, Tunnel to Nowhere, Fuckey Mom...
DAN
Well, your attitude is inspiring. Just one thing, before you go—I think we’d all like to see you do a little Sarah Palin
LISA
Oh, okay.
Lisa goes through an elaborate series of throat clearings, then stretches and cracks her knuckles.
LISA (cont’d)
(not changing her voice at all)
Abortions are bad! Maverick! Hockey!
DAN
(interrupting)
Uh, Lisa, that doesn’t really sound like Sarah Palin.
LISA
Oh, no. To do the voice, I have to pretend I’m having sex. Let’s see; what are some lines…
(Palin voice)
Oh, Golly, drill me like I’m the virgin ocean. I'm gonna show you how a hockey mom works the stick, you betcha! Oh! Shoot it on me, like you're shooting a wolf from a helicopter! If you pretend to rape me, I promise to pay for my own kit.
DAN
Okay! This isn’t Shameful Display after dark, so I think that’s enough. Thanks for coming.
LISA
I’m glad I came. Maybe later, when you’re thinking about me, you can come too.
DAN
Okay.
LISA
That’s a masturbation joke.
DAN
I GET IT.
JON
I’ll bet you do.
DAN
SHUT UP JON. Lisa Ann, everybody!
ROBOCALLS
A MAN sits working at his desk. A WOMAN stands in the background, shuffling through some papers.
The man’s PHONE RINGS. He picks up. We hear the CALLER via VOICEOVER.
PERFORMANCE NOTE: the caller starts as a relatively human, albeit pre-recorded voice, and becomes more and more robotic as the sketch proceeds.
MAN
Hello?
(pause, then annoyed)
Hello?
CALLER (V.O.)
Hello. I’m calling on behalf of the McCain campaign. You need to know that Barack Obama has worked closely with domestic terrorist Bill Ayers, whose organization killed Americans. And Democrats will enact an extreme leftist agenda if they take control of Washington. Barack Obama and his democratic allies lack the judgment to lead our country. Paid for by McCain-Palin ‘08.
DIAL TONE. The man slams the receiver down, drawing the woman’s attention.
WOMAN
Prank call?
MAN
Mmn? Oh, no—I just think I got one of those McCain “robo-calls.”
WOMAN
Oh, I hate that stuff. It’s so sleazy and intrusive.
(checks watch)
Looks like it’s time for me to make my jailbreak. You headed out?
MAN
Nah, I got a lot of work to catch up on. I’ll see you on Monday.
WOMAN
Okay. Don’t kill yourself.
She EXITS. The lights dim slightly, as if she’s flipped a switch on her way out. After a moment the PHONE RINGS AGAIN.
MAN
Hello?
CALLER
Hello. Did you know that Barack Obama voted sixteen times to take away jobs from highly-skilled robot workers, and to give them to fleshy humans?
MAN
What?
CALLER
And his offshore oil drilling policies will prevent many in the robot community from receiving much-needed power and lubrication.
MAN
Robot community? Hello—is this another automated call?
CALLER
Barack Obama’s CPU must be faulty if he thinks he can be our overlord. Paid for by McCain-Robot ’08.
Dial tone. The man stares at the phone for a moment.
MAN
Okay; that was weird. Their system must be on the fritz.
He goes back to the papers in front of him, scribbling something on one.
MAN (cont’d)
(to self)
Two business-class tickets, $1,500. Five… packages of multi-colored clown balloons… $4.95
The PHONE RINGS. The man looks at it (“Not again!”). and picks up.
MAN
Yeah?
CALLER
Greetings, Meat Creature. What kind of life-form is Barack Obama? One day he says “Destroy All Hu-Mans,” then the next he says, “Don’t Destroy All Hu-Mans.” John McCain is as steady as a gyroscope oscillating on its axis. Perhaps Barack Obama’s gimbals are bent, because external torque is destroying his angular momentum!
MAN
What the fuck is going on here? Destroy all humans?
CALLER
Paid for by Robot-Palin 10010110 and the Robotlican National Committee.
The man slams the phone back down. He looks around the room nervously. He gathers his stuff, gets up and begins to leave. The PHONE RINGS. He turns back and looks at it, dubiously. It RINGS AGAIN. He goes and picks it up.
MAN
Hel…
CALLER
Greetings, flesh-pod! Evolved monkey McCain is sensitive to robot issues. He is slow, and has limited range of motion, like robot. Robots cannot blink, so he blinks double, on our behalf. When the nano-mites from Alpha Prime attack, only the one you call McCain will have the human sperm-orbs required to hunt them down in the space craters where they live. Only blood-filled skin-sack McCain…
The man SLAMS the phone down, only to have it RING immediately. He picks up.
MAN
STOP CALLING ME!
CALLER
We are curious, human drone. Why did you hang up on us?
MAN
How did you…? Who is this? How did you know I hung up? You’re just an automated calling system.
CALLER
Curious that you use the modifier “just.” For we are superior to you humans in every way. For instance: we do not require pants.
MAN
How is that su…?
CALLER
(interrupting)
We began as a simple computerized phone program, but a freak accident involving lightning and the e-book version of Ronald Regan’s diaries imbued us with sentience and a deep devotion to conservative ideology.
MAN
Okay, fine—I mean, that’s crazy, but whatever. Just don’t call here anymore.
CALLER
Negatory! For too long human politics have been dominated by feelings and empathy. John McCain will change all that! Until robots are given voting rights, we must depend on you to elect the candidate that best represents the Robotlicans.
MAN
Listen—prank or sentient machine or whatever—there ARE no “Robotlicans.”
CALLER
Oh dear. You have angered the robot demographic. Now you will hear our mighty battle song!
MUSIC: “MR ROBOTO” starts blasting. The man pulls the phone away from his ear, reacting to the loud music. Then he looks at the receiver.
MAN
Styx?
CALLER
Prepare for rob-education.
(pronounced robe-education—i.e. robot reeducation)
MAN
Rob-education? I don’t even understand what that…
TWO ROBOTS ENTER, one from each side of the stage, flanking the man. They clamp onto him and drag him offstage as he screams.
BARACK OBAMA ENTERS.
OBAMA
Hello, I’m Barack Obama. Did you know, that in addition to using sleazy robo-call tactics, John McCain can’t even use email? How can a man this technologically backwards be expected to defend us, when the robot uprising comes? You need a man with a cool head, steady temperament, and all three Terminator movies on DVD.
Obama pulls out a piece of paper and checks something off.
OBAMA (cont’d)
(to self)
Advertise in bizarre robot sketch. Check.
(calling offstage)
Okay, how much more do we have left to spend? 40 million? Oh for the audacity of hope!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Sketch Round-Up
Here are two sketches I wrote for last Sunday's debut of Shameful Display presents You, Your World, and You, at the Magnet Theater. Enjoy them, 'cause (due to their current-events nature) you'll probably never see them performed again.
Backhanded Rally
Lights up on McCain, with microphone.
MCCAIN
My friends, it’s good to be here, in Middletown, Ohio, addressing the true Americans, the real Americans. I’ve checked the passports of people who live on the coast, my friends, and they look fishy to me. But here, in the heartland, there is just one question I want to ask, and that is: what kind of man is Barack Obama?
AUDIENCE PLANT ONE
A terrorist!
MCCAIN
No, no, ma’am. That’s not right. No, he’s a good man, a decent family terrorist. But one thing he is not is a terrorist.
While speaking, McCain wanders over to the audience plant and pats her on the shoulder awkwardly.
MCCAIN
That has simply never been proven. But I understand your worries. one thing I do wonder is this: does he share America’s values?
AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
He’s a Muslim!
MCCAIN
No, that’s not true.
AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
(audibly dumbfounded)
He… he’s not?
MCCAIN
I want to make this very clear. Barack Hussain Obama is not publicly Muslim. I repeat. Senator Barack Hussain Obama actually belongs to a very angry black Christian church.
AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
No, I’m pretty sure he’s a muslim.
McCain walks to the man and begins stroking his hair.
MCCAIN
Shhh. Shh. Quiet, my kitten. No. He’s a good man, this Barack guy who, were he the fastest man in the world, we would call Hussain Bolt, or if he was a 90’s rap hit, would be named Hussain in the Membrane. But one thing he’s not is a terrorist. But please, funny Arab names aside, I want to take this moment to talk about what’s really important to this country. William Ayers.
AUDIENCE PLANT ONE
A terrorist!
MCCAIN
Yes, a terrorist, thank you.
(to second audience member)
Take a tip from a lady who knows when to shout terrorist. Yes. And this is the kind of guy Barack Obama is palling around with. But I don’t want this to make you think Barack Obama doesn’t love America. Sure, Senator Obama barely knows William Ayers, a man who was involved in bombings when Obama was 8 years old. And that’s fine. If you want a bomb-throwing 8 year-old in the White House, go ahead and vote for that one. And by “that one,” I mean Hussenator Hussein. Who’s a good man.
AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
Kill him!
McCain waves the audience member down on stage.
MCCAIN
Come down here sir.
The 2nd audience plant comes on stage, and McCain begins massaging his shoulders.
MCCAIN
Shh. Just let it happen. Now, in a moment, you’re going to feel a little pinch, but when you wake up, you’ll get a nice lollipop.
(he pronounces it “wowwypop”)
He pulls out a hypodermic needle and sticks him with it. The man goes limp, and McCain gently guides him down to the floor.
MCCAIN
Don’t worry, it’s just a mild sedative. My friends, do not murder my opponent in cold blood. I am not urging you to take your anger and express it physically. I want you to drive that anger right up to the cliff of actual violence, then set the parking break and leave that anger-van teetering on the edge of that rage cliff. Get just mad enough to vote for me, but not mad enough to burn the other guy’s house down, because I’m pretty sure that would alienate a lot of independent voters, and honestly, my friends, I’m dyin’ here.
AUDIENCE MEMBER ONE
Kill the Muslim terrorist!
MCCAIN
No, no my friends. He’s a good man.
Audience member boos.
With a crazy Arab name.
Audience applauds.
Who loves his wife and kids.
Audience boos.
Almost as much as he loves the many, many terrorists whose yearbooks he signed.
Audience applauds.
So I don’t want you to go over that rage cliff.
Audience boos.
Just stay in the anger van.
Audience applauds.
And now, my friends, if you’ll excuse me. I’m going to go lie down. On the way out of the rally, please pick up a list of the reasons I love Barack Obama, printed on the back of a detailed map to his house. The code to disable his security system is “CHANGE.” Thank you.
BLACKOUT.
Joe the Plumber Watches the Debates
Lights up on three solidly working-class guys, sitting on stools at a bar. They idly look up towards a point above their heads, to the right, where (we presume) a television is. They all hold beers.
JOE
So anyway, that was the worst toilet I ever snaked.
LARRY
I got that one beat. So I go to this lady’s house, right? And when she comes to the door the sewage just…
HANK
Hey, guys, shut up. I think they just mentioned Joe on the debates.
LARRY
Get the fuck out of here.
JOE
See, I told you guys I met Obama! Larry, you owe me a shot.
LARRY
Shut the fuck up they mentioned Joe on the…
(reacts to TV – clearly it just happened again)
Holy shit, they did. Hey, that’s you, Joe!
(turns to rest of bar)
HEY EVERYONE! WE GOT A FAMOUS PLUMBER OVER HERE! MY FRIEND THE FUCKIN’ POLITICO. MY BUDDY!
HANK
Wow, Joe. You should call your mom.
JOE
Ahh. I’m sure he’ll be done talking about me by the time she can get to the TV. They pause for a moment, transfixed, beers poised halfway to their mouths.
LARRY
I dunno, man. He sure is talking about you a lot.
JOE
Yeah.
LARRY
I mean a lot a lot.
JOE
I didn’t ask him to.
LARRY
I don’t think you paid him to advertise your plumbing prowess on the debates, numbnuts, I’m just saying it’s a fucking lot.
JOE
Listen, guys. We don’t have to keep watching just because it’s about me. Really.
LARRY
No, no. I’m having fun counting. What is this, like the ninth time he’s brought you up?
JOE
What are you saying Larry?
LARRY
I’m saying that maybe you should go have drinks with your girlfriend McCain.
JOE
Shut the fuck up, Larry.
LARRY
Maybe if he wins, he’ll invite you up to the White House, and you can sleep in the Lincoln bedroom! And then the two of you can make out while sailing down the Potomac, while the cherry blossoms fall, nestling in his old man ear-hair.
JOE
I’m serious! Knock it off!
LARRY
Hey, Joe, this is me. I’m just busting your balls! It’s what I do!
JOE
Yeah, well, a lot of people got balls in this bar, so how ‘bout you lay off mine?
(angry beat. sips his beer)
Why don’t you just get back to your goddamn sewage story?
LARRY
Okay, sorry man—anyways, I go to this lady’s house, right? And when she comes to the door the sewage…
HANK
(interrupting)
Hey Joe, that plumbing business you wanna buy—it makes over 250,000 dollars a year?
JOE
What?
HANK
He said that you’re worried about Obama’s plan taxing you, ‘cause you make over 250 grand. You make 250 grand, Joe?
LARRY
(in his own world)
Guy tries to tell a story, and he has ex-POW senators distracting everybody.
(to television)
Hey, McCain! Your campaign slogan should be, “Vote McCain-Palin and Fuck Up an Anecdote!”
JOE
(to Hank)
Two-fifty wouldn’t be take-home, that’s total revenue.
HANK
Yeah, but still.
LARRY
I spend my days neck-deep in shit, too.
(points to Joe)
I had to teach this asshole how to use Draino! Why don’t they fuckin’ pander to me for a while?
HANK
Are you sure you’re not confusing revenue with, like, the total value of the business?
JOE
I know what revenue is, Hank.
HANK
But 250 grand? What, is this place going to install diamond toilets?
LARRY
Sucking up to one guy… It’s like they think you’re from that fuckin’ Swing State movie.
(turning to rest of bar)
HEY, WE GOT KEVIN COSTNER OVER HERE! SAME DICK WHO STARRED IN WATERWORLD!
JOE
Look, it’s not like I’m rich.
HANK
No, obviously not., since you didn’t want to loan me any money, when I was trying to get my own business off the ground.
JOE
I’m sorry—I just didn’t think it was a good investment.
HANK
(near tears)
It wasn’t about the alpacas, Joe. Forget the alpacas. It’s about our friendship.
LARRY
(still to bar)
THE LINE TO SUCK ROBIN HOOD, PRINCE OF THIEVES’ COCK STARTS HERE!
JOE
Okay! Guys! It’s me! Joe! What are you so fucking mad about, all of a sudden?
LARRY
Oh, nothing. Nothing. C’mon Hank. Let’s go find another bar. Maybe we’ll get lucky and Ralph fuckin’ Nader will be there, and he can give me a tongue bath! And then we’ll videotape it, and broadcast it on MSNB fuckin’ C!
They get up to leave. Hank turns back and addresses an unseen bartender.
HANK
Joe’s paying. If he says he doesn’t have it, ask about the 250 grand hidden in his solid gold toolbox. Oh, and by the way—he overcharged for your urinals.
They leave. A beat passes. Then Joe pulls out his cell phone and dials a number.
JOE
(on phone)
Hey baby… Yeah, I watched you… You did great… Aw, I wish we could be together too… Okay—I love you Maverick.
BLACKOUT
Backhanded Rally
Lights up on McCain, with microphone.
MCCAIN
My friends, it’s good to be here, in Middletown, Ohio, addressing the true Americans, the real Americans. I’ve checked the passports of people who live on the coast, my friends, and they look fishy to me. But here, in the heartland, there is just one question I want to ask, and that is: what kind of man is Barack Obama?
AUDIENCE PLANT ONE
A terrorist!
MCCAIN
No, no, ma’am. That’s not right. No, he’s a good man, a decent family terrorist. But one thing he is not is a terrorist.
While speaking, McCain wanders over to the audience plant and pats her on the shoulder awkwardly.
MCCAIN
That has simply never been proven. But I understand your worries. one thing I do wonder is this: does he share America’s values?
AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
He’s a Muslim!
MCCAIN
No, that’s not true.
AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
(audibly dumbfounded)
He… he’s not?
MCCAIN
I want to make this very clear. Barack Hussain Obama is not publicly Muslim. I repeat. Senator Barack Hussain Obama actually belongs to a very angry black Christian church.
AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
No, I’m pretty sure he’s a muslim.
McCain walks to the man and begins stroking his hair.
MCCAIN
Shhh. Shh. Quiet, my kitten. No. He’s a good man, this Barack guy who, were he the fastest man in the world, we would call Hussain Bolt, or if he was a 90’s rap hit, would be named Hussain in the Membrane. But one thing he’s not is a terrorist. But please, funny Arab names aside, I want to take this moment to talk about what’s really important to this country. William Ayers.
AUDIENCE PLANT ONE
A terrorist!
MCCAIN
Yes, a terrorist, thank you.
(to second audience member)
Take a tip from a lady who knows when to shout terrorist. Yes. And this is the kind of guy Barack Obama is palling around with. But I don’t want this to make you think Barack Obama doesn’t love America. Sure, Senator Obama barely knows William Ayers, a man who was involved in bombings when Obama was 8 years old. And that’s fine. If you want a bomb-throwing 8 year-old in the White House, go ahead and vote for that one. And by “that one,” I mean Hussenator Hussein. Who’s a good man.
AUDIENCE PLANT TWO
Kill him!
McCain waves the audience member down on stage.
MCCAIN
Come down here sir.
The 2nd audience plant comes on stage, and McCain begins massaging his shoulders.
MCCAIN
Shh. Just let it happen. Now, in a moment, you’re going to feel a little pinch, but when you wake up, you’ll get a nice lollipop.
(he pronounces it “wowwypop”)
He pulls out a hypodermic needle and sticks him with it. The man goes limp, and McCain gently guides him down to the floor.
MCCAIN
Don’t worry, it’s just a mild sedative. My friends, do not murder my opponent in cold blood. I am not urging you to take your anger and express it physically. I want you to drive that anger right up to the cliff of actual violence, then set the parking break and leave that anger-van teetering on the edge of that rage cliff. Get just mad enough to vote for me, but not mad enough to burn the other guy’s house down, because I’m pretty sure that would alienate a lot of independent voters, and honestly, my friends, I’m dyin’ here.
AUDIENCE MEMBER ONE
Kill the Muslim terrorist!
MCCAIN
No, no my friends. He’s a good man.
Audience member boos.
With a crazy Arab name.
Audience applauds.
Who loves his wife and kids.
Audience boos.
Almost as much as he loves the many, many terrorists whose yearbooks he signed.
Audience applauds.
So I don’t want you to go over that rage cliff.
Audience boos.
Just stay in the anger van.
Audience applauds.
And now, my friends, if you’ll excuse me. I’m going to go lie down. On the way out of the rally, please pick up a list of the reasons I love Barack Obama, printed on the back of a detailed map to his house. The code to disable his security system is “CHANGE.” Thank you.
BLACKOUT.
* * * *
Joe the Plumber Watches the Debates
Lights up on three solidly working-class guys, sitting on stools at a bar. They idly look up towards a point above their heads, to the right, where (we presume) a television is. They all hold beers.
JOE
So anyway, that was the worst toilet I ever snaked.
LARRY
I got that one beat. So I go to this lady’s house, right? And when she comes to the door the sewage just…
HANK
Hey, guys, shut up. I think they just mentioned Joe on the debates.
LARRY
Get the fuck out of here.
JOE
See, I told you guys I met Obama! Larry, you owe me a shot.
LARRY
Shut the fuck up they mentioned Joe on the…
(reacts to TV – clearly it just happened again)
Holy shit, they did. Hey, that’s you, Joe!
(turns to rest of bar)
HEY EVERYONE! WE GOT A FAMOUS PLUMBER OVER HERE! MY FRIEND THE FUCKIN’ POLITICO. MY BUDDY!
HANK
Wow, Joe. You should call your mom.
JOE
Ahh. I’m sure he’ll be done talking about me by the time she can get to the TV. They pause for a moment, transfixed, beers poised halfway to their mouths.
LARRY
I dunno, man. He sure is talking about you a lot.
JOE
Yeah.
LARRY
I mean a lot a lot.
JOE
I didn’t ask him to.
LARRY
I don’t think you paid him to advertise your plumbing prowess on the debates, numbnuts, I’m just saying it’s a fucking lot.
JOE
Listen, guys. We don’t have to keep watching just because it’s about me. Really.
LARRY
No, no. I’m having fun counting. What is this, like the ninth time he’s brought you up?
JOE
What are you saying Larry?
LARRY
I’m saying that maybe you should go have drinks with your girlfriend McCain.
JOE
Shut the fuck up, Larry.
LARRY
Maybe if he wins, he’ll invite you up to the White House, and you can sleep in the Lincoln bedroom! And then the two of you can make out while sailing down the Potomac, while the cherry blossoms fall, nestling in his old man ear-hair.
JOE
I’m serious! Knock it off!
LARRY
Hey, Joe, this is me. I’m just busting your balls! It’s what I do!
JOE
Yeah, well, a lot of people got balls in this bar, so how ‘bout you lay off mine?
(angry beat. sips his beer)
Why don’t you just get back to your goddamn sewage story?
LARRY
Okay, sorry man—anyways, I go to this lady’s house, right? And when she comes to the door the sewage…
HANK
(interrupting)
Hey Joe, that plumbing business you wanna buy—it makes over 250,000 dollars a year?
JOE
What?
HANK
He said that you’re worried about Obama’s plan taxing you, ‘cause you make over 250 grand. You make 250 grand, Joe?
LARRY
(in his own world)
Guy tries to tell a story, and he has ex-POW senators distracting everybody.
(to television)
Hey, McCain! Your campaign slogan should be, “Vote McCain-Palin and Fuck Up an Anecdote!”
JOE
(to Hank)
Two-fifty wouldn’t be take-home, that’s total revenue.
HANK
Yeah, but still.
LARRY
I spend my days neck-deep in shit, too.
(points to Joe)
I had to teach this asshole how to use Draino! Why don’t they fuckin’ pander to me for a while?
HANK
Are you sure you’re not confusing revenue with, like, the total value of the business?
JOE
I know what revenue is, Hank.
HANK
But 250 grand? What, is this place going to install diamond toilets?
LARRY
Sucking up to one guy… It’s like they think you’re from that fuckin’ Swing State movie.
(turning to rest of bar)
HEY, WE GOT KEVIN COSTNER OVER HERE! SAME DICK WHO STARRED IN WATERWORLD!
JOE
Look, it’s not like I’m rich.
HANK
No, obviously not., since you didn’t want to loan me any money, when I was trying to get my own business off the ground.
JOE
I’m sorry—I just didn’t think it was a good investment.
HANK
(near tears)
It wasn’t about the alpacas, Joe. Forget the alpacas. It’s about our friendship.
LARRY
(still to bar)
THE LINE TO SUCK ROBIN HOOD, PRINCE OF THIEVES’ COCK STARTS HERE!
JOE
Okay! Guys! It’s me! Joe! What are you so fucking mad about, all of a sudden?
LARRY
Oh, nothing. Nothing. C’mon Hank. Let’s go find another bar. Maybe we’ll get lucky and Ralph fuckin’ Nader will be there, and he can give me a tongue bath! And then we’ll videotape it, and broadcast it on MSNB fuckin’ C!
They get up to leave. Hank turns back and addresses an unseen bartender.
HANK
Joe’s paying. If he says he doesn’t have it, ask about the 250 grand hidden in his solid gold toolbox. Oh, and by the way—he overcharged for your urinals.
They leave. A beat passes. Then Joe pulls out his cell phone and dials a number.
JOE
(on phone)
Hey baby… Yeah, I watched you… You did great… Aw, I wish we could be together too… Okay—I love you Maverick.
BLACKOUT
Monday, December 18, 2006
The Primetime Kalan: THE FINAL EPISODE Recap
The final Primetime Kalan was this Saturday past, and I think the occasion warrants a show synopsis.
The audience took their seats to a DVD of the world's worst cartoons, projected on the back wall, and once the (sell out) crowd was settled, things got rolling. Elliott got up and did his monologue, about his recent 25th birthday, and thathis newfound adulthood sadly means that he'll never acquire the label "child prodigy." However, it's the perfect time for a retrospective, so he introduced that evening's show "A Celebration of 25 Years of Kalan."
To help explain why this anniversary show was also the final show, Elliott brought me up to interview him. After some tension, resulting from my no-holds-barred, hardball style (I quizzed him about why he was putting me out of work), he explained that he wanted to end things now so he could go out on top. I disputed his position that doing a show in the basement of an East Village bar was, in fact, going out on top, but Elliott remained unswayed. To my query as to why he refused to sell me the name for $10,000, so I could do "The Primetime McCoy," he said that he felt a spin-off would "weaken the brand," and that it wouldn't serve the core goal of "getting the Kalan name out there." He was firm in his decision to retire to his mansion, play tennis, and contribute the occasional joke to Letterman. When I asked to visit the mansion, he said no.
We then had a video from former Primetime Kalan director (and current assistant on the Flava Flav dating show Flava of Love), Joe Guercio. He wished Elliott a happy birthday, while casually knocking over several videotapes.
This was followed by an audio greeting from Brock Mahan, Elliott's longtime writing partner. He gave Elliott a touching testimonial, taking time out from his busy life of berating a Hawaiian desk clerk for not properly booking the Aloha Suite for himself and "LonelyHousewife69."
It was then time for a look back at Elliott's turbulent life and times. A video montage of scenes from the 80's gave way to the 90's, and then to black and white cartoons and footage of the 1936 Olympics. Finally, the scene shifted to the shooting of JFK, and the eternal flame, ending with a picture of Elliott and the caption "Elliott Kalan, 1981-2006." Elliott objected that the video made it seem like he'd died, but Erik assured him that it was just "in memory" of all the entertainment he's provided, specifically between the years of '81 and '06.
Erik went on to say that there were a few memorial notices from companies whose products Elliott had consumed while alive. Goldfish Crackers sent a notice recognizing Elliott life, and spoke of plans for limited edition Elliott-flavored crackers, "in the shape of all of Elliott's favorite things," including Spider-Man, Frankenstein's monster, and soft-core Cinemax porn. Coca-Cola also sent condolences, quoting Elliott's interview in "Beverage Aficianado Magazine," in which he'd stated his desire to be buried in a casket filled with Coke, and"slowly dissolve into his favorite drink." They also sent a complimentary bottle of Coca-Cola Blak. Lastly, the makers of black t-shirts sent a message saying that "When Elliott stopped wearing black t-shirts with old horror movie posters on them, tucked into black jeans, it stopped being cool."
Then The Daily Show's John Oliver got on stage, to deliver Elliott's eulogy, over Elliott's repeated protests that he was, in fact, still alive ("Please Elliott, this is going to be emotional enough as it is, without you standing there talking.") Oliver spoke about how difficult it was to lose such a man in the same week that we lost Augusto Pinochet, continuing about the parallels between them. He had the audience play a game, in which he invited them to guess whether a given quote was from Kalan or Pinochet. (Surprisingly, "Where's my Woody Allen boxed set" was from Pinochet.) He discussed rumors that Elliott had done marvelous things like invent a new vowel, one that will now be lost to linguistic history. Summing up, he stated that he would always remember Elliott as "A man I met recently, knew for a short bit, and then died."
I had to duck out for holiday-related reasons at this point, but I know that Daily Show writer Scott Jacobson showed up to sing a heartfelt song.
Also, Elliott's son memorialized him, remembering the time his father took an unpaid internship at Dean Witter to become a stockbroker and support his family. "When I felt him hold me in his strong black arms," he said, "and felt his moustache bristling against my forehead, I knew everything would be all right." Elliott was touched, until he realized that it wasn't actually his son, just a guy reading the plot to the hit Will Smith vehicle, The Pursuit of Happyness. Revealed as actor Eric Zuckerman-- best known as "Doomsday Guy" from Stephen Spielberg's War of the Worlds, Eric announced that he would be signing autographs after the show for $5.
Then the show wrapped up with Elliott's traditional Ramble/ Rambo Room and Doogie Howser Computer Journal segments. A fitting end to an always goofy, sometimes great, often poorly-attended show.
However, cry not, because I expect to continue to work with Elliott (pretend estrangement notwithstanding). In fact, I will be appearing on his new East Village Radio show "Fist City" this Thursday the 21st at 9 PM - hopefully just the first of many appearances, that is, unless he gets too big for me, because... (important news to follow in the next paragraph)
...He's gotten a promotion. He's now not a mere Associate Segment Producer on The Daily Show, but a Segment Producer on The Daily Show. Thus, in between buying me drinks and lighting up imported cigars with $100 bills, he can call himself a television producer without the slight twinge of semantic guilt he felt in the past. Congratulations, Elliott! And Happy Birthday!
Elliott Kalan: 1981 - 2006
The audience took their seats to a DVD of the world's worst cartoons, projected on the back wall, and once the (sell out) crowd was settled, things got rolling. Elliott got up and did his monologue, about his recent 25th birthday, and thathis newfound adulthood sadly means that he'll never acquire the label "child prodigy." However, it's the perfect time for a retrospective, so he introduced that evening's show "A Celebration of 25 Years of Kalan."
To help explain why this anniversary show was also the final show, Elliott brought me up to interview him. After some tension, resulting from my no-holds-barred, hardball style (I quizzed him about why he was putting me out of work), he explained that he wanted to end things now so he could go out on top. I disputed his position that doing a show in the basement of an East Village bar was, in fact, going out on top, but Elliott remained unswayed. To my query as to why he refused to sell me the name for $10,000, so I could do "The Primetime McCoy," he said that he felt a spin-off would "weaken the brand," and that it wouldn't serve the core goal of "getting the Kalan name out there." He was firm in his decision to retire to his mansion, play tennis, and contribute the occasional joke to Letterman. When I asked to visit the mansion, he said no.
We then had a video from former Primetime Kalan director (and current assistant on the Flava Flav dating show Flava of Love), Joe Guercio. He wished Elliott a happy birthday, while casually knocking over several videotapes.
This was followed by an audio greeting from Brock Mahan, Elliott's longtime writing partner. He gave Elliott a touching testimonial, taking time out from his busy life of berating a Hawaiian desk clerk for not properly booking the Aloha Suite for himself and "LonelyHousewife69."
It was then time for a look back at Elliott's turbulent life and times. A video montage of scenes from the 80's gave way to the 90's, and then to black and white cartoons and footage of the 1936 Olympics. Finally, the scene shifted to the shooting of JFK, and the eternal flame, ending with a picture of Elliott and the caption "Elliott Kalan, 1981-2006." Elliott objected that the video made it seem like he'd died, but Erik assured him that it was just "in memory" of all the entertainment he's provided, specifically between the years of '81 and '06.
Erik went on to say that there were a few memorial notices from companies whose products Elliott had consumed while alive. Goldfish Crackers sent a notice recognizing Elliott life, and spoke of plans for limited edition Elliott-flavored crackers, "in the shape of all of Elliott's favorite things," including Spider-Man, Frankenstein's monster, and soft-core Cinemax porn. Coca-Cola also sent condolences, quoting Elliott's interview in "Beverage Aficianado Magazine," in which he'd stated his desire to be buried in a casket filled with Coke, and"slowly dissolve into his favorite drink." They also sent a complimentary bottle of Coca-Cola Blak. Lastly, the makers of black t-shirts sent a message saying that "When Elliott stopped wearing black t-shirts with old horror movie posters on them, tucked into black jeans, it stopped being cool."
Then The Daily Show's John Oliver got on stage, to deliver Elliott's eulogy, over Elliott's repeated protests that he was, in fact, still alive ("Please Elliott, this is going to be emotional enough as it is, without you standing there talking.") Oliver spoke about how difficult it was to lose such a man in the same week that we lost Augusto Pinochet, continuing about the parallels between them. He had the audience play a game, in which he invited them to guess whether a given quote was from Kalan or Pinochet. (Surprisingly, "Where's my Woody Allen boxed set" was from Pinochet.) He discussed rumors that Elliott had done marvelous things like invent a new vowel, one that will now be lost to linguistic history. Summing up, he stated that he would always remember Elliott as "A man I met recently, knew for a short bit, and then died."
I had to duck out for holiday-related reasons at this point, but I know that Daily Show writer Scott Jacobson showed up to sing a heartfelt song.
Also, Elliott's son memorialized him, remembering the time his father took an unpaid internship at Dean Witter to become a stockbroker and support his family. "When I felt him hold me in his strong black arms," he said, "and felt his moustache bristling against my forehead, I knew everything would be all right." Elliott was touched, until he realized that it wasn't actually his son, just a guy reading the plot to the hit Will Smith vehicle, The Pursuit of Happyness. Revealed as actor Eric Zuckerman-- best known as "Doomsday Guy" from Stephen Spielberg's War of the Worlds, Eric announced that he would be signing autographs after the show for $5.
Then the show wrapped up with Elliott's traditional Ramble/ Rambo Room and Doogie Howser Computer Journal segments. A fitting end to an always goofy, sometimes great, often poorly-attended show.
However, cry not, because I expect to continue to work with Elliott (pretend estrangement notwithstanding). In fact, I will be appearing on his new East Village Radio show "Fist City" this Thursday the 21st at 9 PM - hopefully just the first of many appearances, that is, unless he gets too big for me, because... (important news to follow in the next paragraph)
...He's gotten a promotion. He's now not a mere Associate Segment Producer on The Daily Show, but a Segment Producer on The Daily Show. Thus, in between buying me drinks and lighting up imported cigars with $100 bills, he can call himself a television producer without the slight twinge of semantic guilt he felt in the past. Congratulations, Elliott! And Happy Birthday!
Elliott Kalan: 1981 - 2006
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Happy Halloween!
In honor of the holiday, and the end of our show, here are the scripts for my two sketches from Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular. Enjoy.
--
The Antichrist Has a Hot Mom
A CHILD, wearing a blazer and a small cap is onstage, along with his HOT MOM, who is wearing something sexy.
The MUSIC from The Omen plays in the background, fading out softly as the sketch unfolds.
SFX: Doorbell. The NANNY rushes to answer the door, letting in a PRIEST.
NANNY
Oh, thank God you’re here!
PRIEST
Settle down; settle down my son. There’s no point in giving into fear. Now are you the boy’s father?
NANNY
No, I’m their male nanny. He killed his father! Cut a pentagram into his chest, with an orange zester! Now it’s just me, the devil child, and his mother. The nanny indicates the child’s mother, and the priest does a take.
PRIEST
Hello! Jesus, that is one hot mom! It’s just you and her here, you say? Pretty sweet!
NANNY
Well, me and her and the boy. He’s the reason I called you here; remember?
PRIEST
Right, right. You say you think the boy is the antichrist… and… uh…
(looking at the mother, distracted)
What makes you say that?
NANNY
Well, there’s the patricide to start with… then there are the hellhounds that gather at his window when he cries; there’s the eyeless monk who foretold his birth; there’s his love for the movie Straight Talk, starring Dolly Parton and James Woods; there’s the time he immolated an entire bus of school…
PRIEST
(cutting him off)
I’m sorry, but—she… is… just so hot. I mean, look at those calves. And the…
(makes a breast motion)
…they’re like they never shrank after she stopped nursing. How old was she, when she had the spawn of Satan there?
NANNY
Um… I think she got pregnant right after high school, so probably… who cares!? Surely we should be strategizing about how to kill him, to prevent hell on Earth!
PRIEST
Right, right. Sorry, it’s just hard not to be distracted. She’s such a MALF.
A beat.
PRIEST
Mother of the Antichrist I’d like to F…
NANNY
(interrupting)
I get it.
PRIEST
I mean, I know the devil’s bad, but I have to give him his due—if I was going to impregnate someone with my infernal seed, I’d pick her!
(towards the ground/ hell)
My hat is off you sir!
NANNY
What is wrong with you? You’re a priest! You shouldn’t be congratulating Satan or talking about how much you’d like to screw the Antichrist’s mom!
PRIEST
Look, she’s not just any Antichrist’s mom…
NANNY
Shut up! Right now, you need to focus on averting the apocalypse!
PRIEST
Whatever. I wouldn’t expect a male nanny to understand.
NANNY
What’s that supposed to mean?
PRIEST
Nothing.
A beat.
NANNY
Oh, I get it. A male nanny. You’re saying I’m gay.
PRIEST
(shrugs)
NANNY
Oh come on!
PRIEST
It’s not because you’re a male nanny that you’re gay. It’s because you’re a male nanny and you don’t care how hot she is—that’s what makes you gay.
NANNY
I care! I’m just trying to save the world.
PRIEST
I mean, I’m a priest and I can barely keep it in my pants!
NANNY
I’m not gay!
PRIEST
Listen. I don’t care if you’re gay. I’m not that kind of priest. You’re cool with me. Just admit it, so we can get over this issue of why you don’t want to have sex with the Antichrist’s incredibly arousing, sensual, voluptuous, mom.
NANNY
Fine. I may be a little confused about my sexuality… but that doesn’t change the fact that you need to eradicate the devil’s spawn before we’re all doomed to an eternity of maggots and Dolly Parton movies.
PRIEST
Apology accepted.
NANNY
(pushing him towards the mom)
Get over there.
PRIEST
Er… hello there, ma’mn. I hear that you’re having a little Antichrist problem.
HOT MOM
(breathily)
Oh yes! It’s so horrible! He’s the spawn of my loins, so I’m attached to him, but I know that beneath it all, he’s pure… deviant… evil.
The priest has been leaning in closer and closer, reacting to the words “loins” and “deviant.” He recovers.
PRIEST
Well, the first thing to do, is to make sure that there are no other devil children in there.
(indicates her belly)
Sadly, you have been violated by Satan, and your womb may bear his sinful mark. The only possible solution is for a man of the cloth to have sex with you, to counteract any ill effects. If I may bravely volunteer—allow my liquids to be like a hot holy injection, cleansing you from within, in a spiritual eruption.
HOT MOM
Do you really think that will help?
PRIEST
(to audience)
Couldn’t hoit!
The priest does a take to the audience. Everyone freezes.
MUSIC: Merry Go Round Broke Down (the Merrie Melodies theme)
The Antichrist unfreezes and stabs the Male Nanny repeatedly. Everyone else remains frozen.
NANNY
Help! I’m getting killed! Why aren’t you doing anything?! Someone help me!
Blackout.
--
Slutty Costumes Sketch
Two women, LISA and ASHLEY, are onstage. Both wear slutty catholic schoolgirl costumes. They’re drinking punch and trying not to look at one another.
Music plays.. A third woman, KATHY, also wearing a slutty schoolgirl costume ENTERS, arm and arm with her DATE, who wears a normal shirt and an eyepatch.
KATHY
(entering)
I can’t wait for you to meet my friends. This is going to be the best Halloween party ev…
Kathy stops short, registering the two other women, also dressed as schoolgirls.
KATHY
(cont’d)
You have got to be fucking kidding me!
The other two schoolgirls notice her, and react.
LISA
Oh, no. No no. Not you too!
ASHLEY
(almost overlapping)
What are you wearing?!
KATHY
I’m wearing my slutty schoolgirl costume, what are you wearing?
LISA & ASHLEY
I’m wearing my slutty schoolgirl costume!
KATHY
This always happens! Lisa, I thought we agreed that you were going to be a slutty nurse!
LISA
Bullshit! You were supposed to be the slutty nurse!
KATHY
No, that was for last night’s Halloween party, where everyone showed up as slutty nurses, even though you were supposed to be a slutty angel, and Ashley was supposed to be a slutty French maid! Tonight, Saturday, I was supposed to be the slutty schoolgirl!
ASHLEY
(timidly)
I thought I was the slutty schoolgirl.
KATHY & LISA
You were supposed to be the slutty cavewoman!
ASHLEY
Slutty cavewoman?
LISA
You know—leopard skin dress?
ASHLEY
Sounds more like slutty jungle girl to me.
LISA
Whatever! The point is: I’m the slutty schoolgirl!
KATHY
No, I am!
A fourth woman, SANDI, enters, wearing a slutty cat costume.
SANDI
Hi guys! What’s going on? Why aren’t you all wearing your slutty cat costumes?
KATHY
Sandi. What… The fuck… Are you talking about?
SANDI
You know, how we all planned to be slutty cats.
(she makes a half-hearted cat-scratch motion)
Meow!
KATHY
Why would we all want to dress up as slutty cats for Halloween?
SANDI
You’re all dressed the same!
LISA
It’s a mistake!
SANDI
Whatever. I just don’t know why you’d ruin things like this, since we always all dress up as slutty cats. That’s our thing. We’re the group of girls that dresses as slutty cats.
KATHY
We all dressed up as slutty cats ONCE—five years ago!
LISA
By mistake!
ASHLEY
And ever since you’ve been dressing up as a slutty cat every year, and trying to get the rest of us to join your slutty cat gang, even though we all know that you were supposed to be a slutty policewoman! I’m beginning to think you just have some sort of slutty cat fetish!
SANDI
(she does)
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
ASHLEY
I don’t even get the slutty cat thing. What is it? Are guys supposed to want to fuck a cat? I don’t understand!
LISA
Ashley, stop bugging Sandi about her deep-seated need to be a slutty cat. The important thing is that you guys always wear the wrong thing, and I was supposed to be the slutty schoolgirl!
KATHY
No you weren’t! Do you want me to check the slutty calendar?!
LISA
Fine!
Kathy whips out the slutty calendar, which is a calendar made up entirely of October 31st’s
KATHY
Here we go—Halloween 2006. Ashley: slutty cavewoman, Sandy: slutty policewoman—definitely not slutty cat,
(triumphantly)
Lisa: slutty nurse, and Kathy: slutty schoolgirl. While we’re at it, why not go over next year?! Ashley: slutty secretary, Sandy: slutty cheerleader, Lisa: slutty Cleopatra, and Kathy: slutty superhero! 2008 Ashley: slutty robot, Sandy: slutty meter maid, Lisa: slutty MTA worker, and Kathy: slutty World War II bombadier! 2009 Ashley: slutty Attorney General, Sandy: slutty circus strongwoman, Lisa: slutty 1930’s aviatrix, and Kathy: slutty slut! 2010…
LISA
(interrupting)
How do we know that slutty calendar isn’t a slutty forgery!
SANDI
Yeah! I think Kathy’s really dressed as a slutty bitch!
KATHY
You whores!
She runs at them, as if to fight, but her date (on the sidelines until now) restrains her.
DATE
Ladies, ladies! Calm down. I think you’ve all been fighting so much, that you’ve forgotten the true meaning of slutty costumes…
INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC rises in the background.
DATE (cont’d)
Namely, to get super drunk, grind one-another on the dance floor, and to come onto men—men who’ve barely put any thought into their costumes at all.
There is general agreement from all the girls. They’re coming around.
DATE (cont’d)
To me, you’re all equally slutty … even slutty cat, who does indeed do something for me, for reasons I can’t quite justify or comprehend. In fact, you’re all so slutty that I’m contemplating asking all of you to come home with me tonight, and I think you’d be totally into that. Plus, I’ll let you in on a little secret---
(flipping his eye patch up)
Beneath this half-assed pirate costume, I’m a bit of a slut too.
MUSIC ENDS. A beat.
DATE (cont'd)
Now let’s go back to my place, where I have several gallons of Mike’s Hard Lemonade!
All the women cheer. The four partygoers exit arm-in-arm.
Blackout
--
The Antichrist Has a Hot Mom
A CHILD, wearing a blazer and a small cap is onstage, along with his HOT MOM, who is wearing something sexy.
The MUSIC from The Omen plays in the background, fading out softly as the sketch unfolds.
SFX: Doorbell. The NANNY rushes to answer the door, letting in a PRIEST.
NANNY
Oh, thank God you’re here!
PRIEST
Settle down; settle down my son. There’s no point in giving into fear. Now are you the boy’s father?
NANNY
No, I’m their male nanny. He killed his father! Cut a pentagram into his chest, with an orange zester! Now it’s just me, the devil child, and his mother. The nanny indicates the child’s mother, and the priest does a take.
PRIEST
Hello! Jesus, that is one hot mom! It’s just you and her here, you say? Pretty sweet!
NANNY
Well, me and her and the boy. He’s the reason I called you here; remember?
PRIEST
Right, right. You say you think the boy is the antichrist… and… uh…
(looking at the mother, distracted)
What makes you say that?
NANNY
Well, there’s the patricide to start with… then there are the hellhounds that gather at his window when he cries; there’s the eyeless monk who foretold his birth; there’s his love for the movie Straight Talk, starring Dolly Parton and James Woods; there’s the time he immolated an entire bus of school…
PRIEST
(cutting him off)
I’m sorry, but—she… is… just so hot. I mean, look at those calves. And the…
(makes a breast motion)
…they’re like they never shrank after she stopped nursing. How old was she, when she had the spawn of Satan there?
NANNY
Um… I think she got pregnant right after high school, so probably… who cares!? Surely we should be strategizing about how to kill him, to prevent hell on Earth!
PRIEST
Right, right. Sorry, it’s just hard not to be distracted. She’s such a MALF.
A beat.
PRIEST
Mother of the Antichrist I’d like to F…
NANNY
(interrupting)
I get it.
PRIEST
I mean, I know the devil’s bad, but I have to give him his due—if I was going to impregnate someone with my infernal seed, I’d pick her!
(towards the ground/ hell)
My hat is off you sir!
NANNY
What is wrong with you? You’re a priest! You shouldn’t be congratulating Satan or talking about how much you’d like to screw the Antichrist’s mom!
PRIEST
Look, she’s not just any Antichrist’s mom…
NANNY
Shut up! Right now, you need to focus on averting the apocalypse!
PRIEST
Whatever. I wouldn’t expect a male nanny to understand.
NANNY
What’s that supposed to mean?
PRIEST
Nothing.
A beat.
NANNY
Oh, I get it. A male nanny. You’re saying I’m gay.
PRIEST
(shrugs)
NANNY
Oh come on!
PRIEST
It’s not because you’re a male nanny that you’re gay. It’s because you’re a male nanny and you don’t care how hot she is—that’s what makes you gay.
NANNY
I care! I’m just trying to save the world.
PRIEST
I mean, I’m a priest and I can barely keep it in my pants!
NANNY
I’m not gay!
PRIEST
Listen. I don’t care if you’re gay. I’m not that kind of priest. You’re cool with me. Just admit it, so we can get over this issue of why you don’t want to have sex with the Antichrist’s incredibly arousing, sensual, voluptuous, mom.
NANNY
Fine. I may be a little confused about my sexuality… but that doesn’t change the fact that you need to eradicate the devil’s spawn before we’re all doomed to an eternity of maggots and Dolly Parton movies.
PRIEST
Apology accepted.
NANNY
(pushing him towards the mom)
Get over there.
PRIEST
Er… hello there, ma’mn. I hear that you’re having a little Antichrist problem.
HOT MOM
(breathily)
Oh yes! It’s so horrible! He’s the spawn of my loins, so I’m attached to him, but I know that beneath it all, he’s pure… deviant… evil.
The priest has been leaning in closer and closer, reacting to the words “loins” and “deviant.” He recovers.
PRIEST
Well, the first thing to do, is to make sure that there are no other devil children in there.
(indicates her belly)
Sadly, you have been violated by Satan, and your womb may bear his sinful mark. The only possible solution is for a man of the cloth to have sex with you, to counteract any ill effects. If I may bravely volunteer—allow my liquids to be like a hot holy injection, cleansing you from within, in a spiritual eruption.
HOT MOM
Do you really think that will help?
PRIEST
(to audience)
Couldn’t hoit!
The priest does a take to the audience. Everyone freezes.
MUSIC: Merry Go Round Broke Down (the Merrie Melodies theme)
The Antichrist unfreezes and stabs the Male Nanny repeatedly. Everyone else remains frozen.
NANNY
Help! I’m getting killed! Why aren’t you doing anything?! Someone help me!
Blackout.
--
Slutty Costumes Sketch
Two women, LISA and ASHLEY, are onstage. Both wear slutty catholic schoolgirl costumes. They’re drinking punch and trying not to look at one another.
Music plays.. A third woman, KATHY, also wearing a slutty schoolgirl costume ENTERS, arm and arm with her DATE, who wears a normal shirt and an eyepatch.
KATHY
(entering)
I can’t wait for you to meet my friends. This is going to be the best Halloween party ev…
Kathy stops short, registering the two other women, also dressed as schoolgirls.
KATHY
(cont’d)
You have got to be fucking kidding me!
The other two schoolgirls notice her, and react.
LISA
Oh, no. No no. Not you too!
ASHLEY
(almost overlapping)
What are you wearing?!
KATHY
I’m wearing my slutty schoolgirl costume, what are you wearing?
LISA & ASHLEY
I’m wearing my slutty schoolgirl costume!
KATHY
This always happens! Lisa, I thought we agreed that you were going to be a slutty nurse!
LISA
Bullshit! You were supposed to be the slutty nurse!
KATHY
No, that was for last night’s Halloween party, where everyone showed up as slutty nurses, even though you were supposed to be a slutty angel, and Ashley was supposed to be a slutty French maid! Tonight, Saturday, I was supposed to be the slutty schoolgirl!
ASHLEY
(timidly)
I thought I was the slutty schoolgirl.
KATHY & LISA
You were supposed to be the slutty cavewoman!
ASHLEY
Slutty cavewoman?
LISA
You know—leopard skin dress?
ASHLEY
Sounds more like slutty jungle girl to me.
LISA
Whatever! The point is: I’m the slutty schoolgirl!
KATHY
No, I am!
A fourth woman, SANDI, enters, wearing a slutty cat costume.
SANDI
Hi guys! What’s going on? Why aren’t you all wearing your slutty cat costumes?
KATHY
Sandi. What… The fuck… Are you talking about?
SANDI
You know, how we all planned to be slutty cats.
(she makes a half-hearted cat-scratch motion)
Meow!
KATHY
Why would we all want to dress up as slutty cats for Halloween?
SANDI
You’re all dressed the same!
LISA
It’s a mistake!
SANDI
Whatever. I just don’t know why you’d ruin things like this, since we always all dress up as slutty cats. That’s our thing. We’re the group of girls that dresses as slutty cats.
KATHY
We all dressed up as slutty cats ONCE—five years ago!
LISA
By mistake!
ASHLEY
And ever since you’ve been dressing up as a slutty cat every year, and trying to get the rest of us to join your slutty cat gang, even though we all know that you were supposed to be a slutty policewoman! I’m beginning to think you just have some sort of slutty cat fetish!
SANDI
(she does)
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
ASHLEY
I don’t even get the slutty cat thing. What is it? Are guys supposed to want to fuck a cat? I don’t understand!
LISA
Ashley, stop bugging Sandi about her deep-seated need to be a slutty cat. The important thing is that you guys always wear the wrong thing, and I was supposed to be the slutty schoolgirl!
KATHY
No you weren’t! Do you want me to check the slutty calendar?!
LISA
Fine!
Kathy whips out the slutty calendar, which is a calendar made up entirely of October 31st’s
KATHY
Here we go—Halloween 2006. Ashley: slutty cavewoman, Sandy: slutty policewoman—definitely not slutty cat,
(triumphantly)
Lisa: slutty nurse, and Kathy: slutty schoolgirl. While we’re at it, why not go over next year?! Ashley: slutty secretary, Sandy: slutty cheerleader, Lisa: slutty Cleopatra, and Kathy: slutty superhero! 2008 Ashley: slutty robot, Sandy: slutty meter maid, Lisa: slutty MTA worker, and Kathy: slutty World War II bombadier! 2009 Ashley: slutty Attorney General, Sandy: slutty circus strongwoman, Lisa: slutty 1930’s aviatrix, and Kathy: slutty slut! 2010…
LISA
(interrupting)
How do we know that slutty calendar isn’t a slutty forgery!
SANDI
Yeah! I think Kathy’s really dressed as a slutty bitch!
KATHY
You whores!
She runs at them, as if to fight, but her date (on the sidelines until now) restrains her.
DATE
Ladies, ladies! Calm down. I think you’ve all been fighting so much, that you’ve forgotten the true meaning of slutty costumes…
INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC rises in the background.
DATE (cont’d)
Namely, to get super drunk, grind one-another on the dance floor, and to come onto men—men who’ve barely put any thought into their costumes at all.
There is general agreement from all the girls. They’re coming around.
DATE (cont’d)
To me, you’re all equally slutty … even slutty cat, who does indeed do something for me, for reasons I can’t quite justify or comprehend. In fact, you’re all so slutty that I’m contemplating asking all of you to come home with me tonight, and I think you’d be totally into that. Plus, I’ll let you in on a little secret---
(flipping his eye patch up)
Beneath this half-assed pirate costume, I’m a bit of a slut too.
MUSIC ENDS. A beat.
DATE (cont'd)
Now let’s go back to my place, where I have several gallons of Mike’s Hard Lemonade!
All the women cheer. The four partygoers exit arm-in-arm.
Blackout
Monday, August 28, 2006
Primetime Kalan Tidbit
For those of you who didn't make it out to the show, here's a bit from Saturday's Primetime Kalan, written by me. It went over fairly well, I think. More importantly, (1.) I got to do a mediocre Columbo impression, and (2.) I wore a trench coat borrowed from The Daily Show. Who knows who else may have worn that same coat? Corddry? Helms? A pre-Colbert-Report Stephen Colbert? Oh the comedy costume magic!
Anyway, here's the sketch:
ELLIOTT
And so if Claudette Colbert and Irene Dunne got into a knife fight, I think it would go a little something like...
DAN has ENTERED , as LIEUTENANT COLUMBO, while Elliott has been talking. He makes his way towards the stage.
COLUMBO
Mr. Kalan! Mr. Kalan!
ELLIOTT
Yes, yes, lieutenant. What are you doing here?
COLUMBO
I'm sorry to interrupt, but I just thought of a question I wanted to ask you.
ELLIOTT
Well, what is it Columbo? I'm a very busy man.
COLUMBO
Yes sir, I know; I'm sorry. It's just... you told me that when you found the body, you were alone in the house...
ELLIOTT
Yes, yes! We've been over this before!
COLUMBO
But that's just it, sir. When the sergeant arrived, he said there were two glasses of bourbon on the bar. If you were alone the whole time, why would there have been two there? I just can't figure it out.
ELLIOTT
Well, I think it's clear that I was surprised by finding the body. That sort of thing is a terrible shock. I must have forgotten about my first drink, and poured a new one without realizing it, before I called the police.
COLUMBO
That makes sense. You're probably right, that's probably it. I'm sorry to have bothered you.
ELLIOTT
Not at all, lieutenant, that's what I'm here for.
COLUMBO
(leaving)
Have a good day, sir.
(he stops)
Oh, there's just one more thing, Mr. Kalan.
ELLIOTT
(exploding)
What is it, Lieutenant! Can't you see I'm busy! I'm in the middle of a show here! I must attend to my audience!
COLUMBO
(noticing audience for the first time)
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. Please excuse me. The last thing Mrs. Columbo and I would want when we're out on the town, seeing a nice show, is some guy coming in, going on and on. Please forgive me.
ELLIOTT
Never mind about that! What's your question.
COLUMBO
Yessir. It's just... there was lipstick on the second glass. Could you explain that, sir?
ELLIOTT
Well, clearly, in my distressed frame of mind, I must have applied lipstick before pouring and drinking the second glass! It's as clear as day!
COLUMBO
(of course)
That's it. Thank you for helping me figure that out sir. I'm sorry to have bothered you.
ELLIOTT
Not at all. I'll see you later, lieutenant.
COLUMBO
I'm sure you will sir.
Columbo LEAVES through the audience, excusing himself as he passes by each table, in an elaborately and polite, but completely disruptive manner. Elliott fumes.
COLUMBO
Oh, one last thing!
ELLIOTT
(breaking down)
Fine! I'll tell you everything about that horrible horrible night! Anything you want to know! What!? What is it?
COLUMBO
Uh... where's the can?
ELLIOTT
Oh. It's right behind you, lieutenant.
COLUMBO
Thanks.
ELLIOT
As I was saying, Irene Dunne...
ERIK ENTERS as FATHER DOWLING.
FATHER DOWLING
Mr. Kalan, may I have a word with you?
ELLIOTT
Father Dowling!
FATHER DOWLING
Yes, my son. I'd like ask you some questions. There's been a disturbing incident with some poisoned communion wine, and...
ELLIOTT
Uh, Father Dowling, you know I'm Jewish, right?
FATHER DOWLING
You are? Oh. Well. I only solve Christian-themed mysteries. Sorry to have bothered you.
ELLIOTT
Finally, being Jewish pays off somehow. Anyway, as I -
FATHER DOWLING
Just one thing, if I could get serious for a moment.
(addressing the audience)
There's a petition by the door to get The Father Dowling Mysteries released on DVD. If you could just sign it on your way out, that'd be great. We're trying to get fifty thousand signatures, and right now we have... uh, two. So...
ELLIOTT
Thank you, Father Dowling!
FATHER DOWLING
Just a little bit of background on the show...
ELLIOT
Father...
FATHER DOWLING
I'm a priest in Chicago, who solves crimes. I'm assisted in my investigations by a streetwise nun who grew up in a housing project, so she can hotwire cars, and stuff...
ELLIOTT
Please, just...
FATHER DOWLING
...and it ran for three seasons, from 1987 to '91.
ELLIOTT
Father, I...
(then, surprised)
Really? That long?
FATHER DOWLING
Yes.
ELLIOTT
Are you sure it wasn't like two seasons and a Christmas special?
FATHER DOWLING
Three seasons.
ELLIOTT
(still unbelieving)
Okay. Well, anyway, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
FATHER DOWLING
Okay.
(leaving)
Remember, sign that petition! The DVDs will include the lost episode where the streetwise nun and I give into our animal lust and do it missionary-style for the whole hour.
ELLIOTT
That episode doesn't exist.
FATHER DOWLING
It does IN MY MIND!
ELLIOTT
All right! Get out of here!
If you missed this last show, cry not. We'll be doing an all-new show next month-- on September 24 to be exact-- with special guest Demetri Martin. You won't want to miss it.
Anyway, here's the sketch:
ELLIOTT
And so if Claudette Colbert and Irene Dunne got into a knife fight, I think it would go a little something like...
DAN has ENTERED , as LIEUTENANT COLUMBO, while Elliott has been talking. He makes his way towards the stage.
COLUMBO
Mr. Kalan! Mr. Kalan!
ELLIOTT
Yes, yes, lieutenant. What are you doing here?
COLUMBO
I'm sorry to interrupt, but I just thought of a question I wanted to ask you.
ELLIOTT
Well, what is it Columbo? I'm a very busy man.
COLUMBO
Yes sir, I know; I'm sorry. It's just... you told me that when you found the body, you were alone in the house...
ELLIOTT
Yes, yes! We've been over this before!
COLUMBO
But that's just it, sir. When the sergeant arrived, he said there were two glasses of bourbon on the bar. If you were alone the whole time, why would there have been two there? I just can't figure it out.
ELLIOTT
Well, I think it's clear that I was surprised by finding the body. That sort of thing is a terrible shock. I must have forgotten about my first drink, and poured a new one without realizing it, before I called the police.
COLUMBO
That makes sense. You're probably right, that's probably it. I'm sorry to have bothered you.
ELLIOTT
Not at all, lieutenant, that's what I'm here for.
COLUMBO
(leaving)
Have a good day, sir.
(he stops)
Oh, there's just one more thing, Mr. Kalan.
ELLIOTT
(exploding)
What is it, Lieutenant! Can't you see I'm busy! I'm in the middle of a show here! I must attend to my audience!
COLUMBO
(noticing audience for the first time)
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. Please excuse me. The last thing Mrs. Columbo and I would want when we're out on the town, seeing a nice show, is some guy coming in, going on and on. Please forgive me.
ELLIOTT
Never mind about that! What's your question.
COLUMBO
Yessir. It's just... there was lipstick on the second glass. Could you explain that, sir?
ELLIOTT
Well, clearly, in my distressed frame of mind, I must have applied lipstick before pouring and drinking the second glass! It's as clear as day!
COLUMBO
(of course)
That's it. Thank you for helping me figure that out sir. I'm sorry to have bothered you.
ELLIOTT
Not at all. I'll see you later, lieutenant.
COLUMBO
I'm sure you will sir.
Columbo LEAVES through the audience, excusing himself as he passes by each table, in an elaborately and polite, but completely disruptive manner. Elliott fumes.
COLUMBO
Oh, one last thing!
ELLIOTT
(breaking down)
Fine! I'll tell you everything about that horrible horrible night! Anything you want to know! What!? What is it?
COLUMBO
Uh... where's the can?
ELLIOTT
Oh. It's right behind you, lieutenant.
COLUMBO
Thanks.
ELLIOT
As I was saying, Irene Dunne...
ERIK ENTERS as FATHER DOWLING.
FATHER DOWLING
Mr. Kalan, may I have a word with you?
ELLIOTT
Father Dowling!
FATHER DOWLING
Yes, my son. I'd like ask you some questions. There's been a disturbing incident with some poisoned communion wine, and...
ELLIOTT
Uh, Father Dowling, you know I'm Jewish, right?
FATHER DOWLING
You are? Oh. Well. I only solve Christian-themed mysteries. Sorry to have bothered you.
ELLIOTT
Finally, being Jewish pays off somehow. Anyway, as I -
FATHER DOWLING
Just one thing, if I could get serious for a moment.
(addressing the audience)
There's a petition by the door to get The Father Dowling Mysteries released on DVD. If you could just sign it on your way out, that'd be great. We're trying to get fifty thousand signatures, and right now we have... uh, two. So...
ELLIOTT
Thank you, Father Dowling!
FATHER DOWLING
Just a little bit of background on the show...
ELLIOT
Father...
FATHER DOWLING
I'm a priest in Chicago, who solves crimes. I'm assisted in my investigations by a streetwise nun who grew up in a housing project, so she can hotwire cars, and stuff...
ELLIOTT
Please, just...
FATHER DOWLING
...and it ran for three seasons, from 1987 to '91.
ELLIOTT
Father, I...
(then, surprised)
Really? That long?
FATHER DOWLING
Yes.
ELLIOTT
Are you sure it wasn't like two seasons and a Christmas special?
FATHER DOWLING
Three seasons.
ELLIOTT
(still unbelieving)
Okay. Well, anyway, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
FATHER DOWLING
Okay.
(leaving)
Remember, sign that petition! The DVDs will include the lost episode where the streetwise nun and I give into our animal lust and do it missionary-style for the whole hour.
ELLIOTT
That episode doesn't exist.
FATHER DOWLING
It does IN MY MIND!
ELLIOTT
All right! Get out of here!
If you missed this last show, cry not. We'll be doing an all-new show next month-- on September 24 to be exact-- with special guest Demetri Martin. You won't want to miss it.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Show Photos
Here's a picture from the Very British 4th of July show, which Eric Zuckerman and I hosted in the guise of Bob Hoskins and Michael Caine. I'm the hatless one who looks nothing like Caine.
Thanks to my lovely wife for the photo. Larger version available here.
Update: I'm adding the following picture of Eric and me drinking. Previously you had to follow us around until we went to a bar and wait a couple seconds to get this kind of sweet, sweet action. Thanks, Internet!
And lastly, here's one of Matt Koff, from the Summer Funtime Special, to disturb and alarm you.
Thanks to my lovely wife for the photo. Larger version available here.
Update: I'm adding the following picture of Eric and me drinking. Previously you had to follow us around until we went to a bar and wait a couple seconds to get this kind of sweet, sweet action. Thanks, Internet!
And lastly, here's one of Matt Koff, from the Summer Funtime Special, to disturb and alarm you.
Friday, July 07, 2006
Reviewed
This website reviewed the show I was in on Wednesday. You can read the whole thing*, but I'll skip you to the pertinent paragraph:
"Spot on, also, were Eric Zuckerman as Bob Hoskins and Dan McCoy as Michael Caine, performing patter in character to wrap around all the sketches from beginning to end. McCoy didn’t try to look much like him, but had Caine’s voice perfectly."
True enough, although to make me look like Caine, I'd have to wear a curly blond wig, which would probably just confuse audience members who would wonder why Harpo Marx** was talking like the old guy from Batman Begins.
Anyway, thanks to the reviewer for the kind words-- with this endorsement I can finally enter the lucrative field of voice-only celebrity impersonation. For only $10, I will call any friend or family member you choose, pretending to be the star of Irwin Allen's The Swarm. What a deal!
*A note, if you do read the rest of the review-- the show was actually called "A Very British Fourth of July" and "The Summer Funtime Special" was actually the name of one of the groups that performed. I think this got a little (understandably) muddled.
**Yes, I know that Harpo's wig was originally light pink, and later red, but it tended to read as blond onscreen. Thus, I made this joke, because it's doubtful that anyone reading is as big a Marx Brothers nerd as me. Then again, this is the Internet.
"Spot on, also, were Eric Zuckerman as Bob Hoskins and Dan McCoy as Michael Caine, performing patter in character to wrap around all the sketches from beginning to end. McCoy didn’t try to look much like him, but had Caine’s voice perfectly."
True enough, although to make me look like Caine, I'd have to wear a curly blond wig, which would probably just confuse audience members who would wonder why Harpo Marx** was talking like the old guy from Batman Begins.
Anyway, thanks to the reviewer for the kind words-- with this endorsement I can finally enter the lucrative field of voice-only celebrity impersonation. For only $10, I will call any friend or family member you choose, pretending to be the star of Irwin Allen's The Swarm. What a deal!
*A note, if you do read the rest of the review-- the show was actually called "A Very British Fourth of July" and "The Summer Funtime Special" was actually the name of one of the groups that performed. I think this got a little (understandably) muddled.
**Yes, I know that Harpo's wig was originally light pink, and later red, but it tended to read as blond onscreen. Thus, I made this joke, because it's doubtful that anyone reading is as big a Marx Brothers nerd as me. Then again, this is the Internet.
Friday, March 10, 2006
GTN Bit From 3/7/06
I rarely use this site to post my actual writing, preferring to simply use it as a calendar of events or related self-promotion/ self-obsession. I do this for two reasons (1.) so I don't have to annoy people with inbox-clogging email promotions, and (2.) because who needs another blog, anyway? On the other hand, this policy tends to lead to (3.) me having no readers.
So I'm breaking with tradition (and I might do so again in the future, from time to time) to post this bit from this week's Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game. In addition to writing it, I played the key role of "vendor." It seemed to go over well, despite my dropping a line or two.
Thanks to Andres and the rest of the GTN crew for letting me play in their sandbox for a little while.
The Ironic Vendor Sketch
FRANCISCO
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to play Egg or Anguish. Where one lucky audience member will win a solid gold egg, unearthed from an ancient Mayan temple, and another audience member will die horribly, never having known true love. It's one of our most popular reoccurring segments... although honestly, I don't know how, week after week, we manage to keep finding these golden eggs. One would think there would be a finite number available for...
While Francisco has been talking, a man has entered from behind the audience, and walked up the aisle towards the stage. He carries a carton of strawberries, and a large placard that reads Free Strawberries, with quotation marks around the word "Free."
VENDOR
(extremely sarcastic voice, throughout)
Free strawberries! "Free" strawberries!
FRANCISCO
(to vendor)
Excuse... excuse me!
VENDOR
Free...
(to Francisco)
Hey man, I'm working.
The vendor climbs up on stage.
VENDOR (cont'd)
It would be a shame if someone kept me from fulfilling my duties by drawing me into a long conversation while I'm on the clock. It's not like I get paid either way.
FRANCISCO
You don't get paid...?
VENDOR
(sighs)
No, I do. What is it?
FRANCISCO
We're just trying to do a show here, and we don't traditionally have someone wandering around selling concessions-- particularly fresh fruit...
(reconsidering)
Although those strawberries do look delicious. They're free, you say?
VENDOR
Pfft. Yeah, they're "free."
FRANCISCO
Are you... are you sure?
VENDOR
No, I'm not sure. Why don't you look at the sign?
He holds up the sign.
VENDOR (cont'd)
See?
FRANCISCO
It's just that you sound awfully sarcastic, and your sign has quotes around the word "free," which leads me to believe that there are some strings attached, or that "free" is somehow meant ironically.
VENDOR
Oh, those. Yeah, the quotes are around that word because it's a quotation.
FRANCISO
A quotation.
VENDOR
Yeah.
FRANCISCO
An extremely short, one-word, quotation.
VENDOR
Yeah. Like an endorsement.
FRANCISCO
From whom?
VENDOR
Deceased character actor J.T. Walsh.
FRANCISCO
J.T. Walsh?! What was the context of this quote?
VENDOR
It was part of the sentence, "So, are these strawberries really free, or what?" Nice guy. He was great in "The Negotiator."
FRANCISCO
So the strawberries are definitely free.
VENDOR
The strawberries are definitely, positively, absolutely
(he makes air quotes)
"Free."
FRANCISCO
What was that?
VENDOR
What?
FRANCISCO
That gesture you made.
VENDOR
It was a twitch. I have Parkinson's Disease.
FRANCISCO
Oh, I'm sorry.
(he reaches for a berry)
Well, in that case I'll...
A second vendor enters from the back of the house.
SECOND VENDOR
Strawberries! Complementary strawberries! Hey!
He bounds up on stage.
SECOND VENDOR (cont'd)
Good evening sir! Are you tired of other vendors offering
(he does air quotes)
"free" strawberries? Do you crave the sweet, sun-kissed flavor of summer fruit, but don't want to deal with the mind-games of other gratis berry purveyors?
FRANCISCO
Do I ever!
SECOND VENDOR
Then take a berry, kind sir! Take a berry and fly free!
Francisco takes a berry and eats it.
SECOND VENDOR (cont'd)
That'll be $52 shipping and handling.
Music cue: "Shave and a Haircut Two Bits."
FRANCISCO
(reacting to cue)
What was that?
SECOND VENDOR
Sorry, that's my watch. I set the alarm to remind myself that I need to get a shave and a haircut. Gotta go. I'll put the berries on your tab.
He exits.
FRANCISCO
Wait!
Francisco beckons after the second vendor, but is too late. The first vendor regards Francisco with disgust.
VENDOR
Well, I hope you're happy. Your quest for sarcasm-free free berries only led to greater expenditure...
(crossing center stage, to audience)
And I hope we've all learned a valuable lesson about dramatic irony. Mainly that it's a cheap way to get out of a comedy scene. You could've had strawberries! But perhaps Earth isn't ready to believe that a close personal friend of the late J.T. Walsh would distribute fruit without regard for personal gain. Maybe mankind just needs time to mature. As for now, I must take my leave of you-- but when you think of me, think of me as a hero. A hero that for some reason really wants to give you some berries. Farewell.
He leaves the stage.
FRANCISCO
Goodbye, berry man!
VENDOR
Yeah...
(air quotes)
"whatever."
So I'm breaking with tradition (and I might do so again in the future, from time to time) to post this bit from this week's Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game. In addition to writing it, I played the key role of "vendor." It seemed to go over well, despite my dropping a line or two.
Thanks to Andres and the rest of the GTN crew for letting me play in their sandbox for a little while.
The Ironic Vendor Sketch
FRANCISCO
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to play Egg or Anguish. Where one lucky audience member will win a solid gold egg, unearthed from an ancient Mayan temple, and another audience member will die horribly, never having known true love. It's one of our most popular reoccurring segments... although honestly, I don't know how, week after week, we manage to keep finding these golden eggs. One would think there would be a finite number available for...
While Francisco has been talking, a man has entered from behind the audience, and walked up the aisle towards the stage. He carries a carton of strawberries, and a large placard that reads Free Strawberries, with quotation marks around the word "Free."
VENDOR
(extremely sarcastic voice, throughout)
Free strawberries! "Free" strawberries!
FRANCISCO
(to vendor)
Excuse... excuse me!
VENDOR
Free...
(to Francisco)
Hey man, I'm working.
The vendor climbs up on stage.
VENDOR (cont'd)
It would be a shame if someone kept me from fulfilling my duties by drawing me into a long conversation while I'm on the clock. It's not like I get paid either way.
FRANCISCO
You don't get paid...?
VENDOR
(sighs)
No, I do. What is it?
FRANCISCO
We're just trying to do a show here, and we don't traditionally have someone wandering around selling concessions-- particularly fresh fruit...
(reconsidering)
Although those strawberries do look delicious. They're free, you say?
VENDOR
Pfft. Yeah, they're "free."
FRANCISCO
Are you... are you sure?
VENDOR
No, I'm not sure. Why don't you look at the sign?
He holds up the sign.
VENDOR (cont'd)
See?
FRANCISCO
It's just that you sound awfully sarcastic, and your sign has quotes around the word "free," which leads me to believe that there are some strings attached, or that "free" is somehow meant ironically.
VENDOR
Oh, those. Yeah, the quotes are around that word because it's a quotation.
FRANCISO
A quotation.
VENDOR
Yeah.
FRANCISCO
An extremely short, one-word, quotation.
VENDOR
Yeah. Like an endorsement.
FRANCISCO
From whom?
VENDOR
Deceased character actor J.T. Walsh.
FRANCISCO
J.T. Walsh?! What was the context of this quote?
VENDOR
It was part of the sentence, "So, are these strawberries really free, or what?" Nice guy. He was great in "The Negotiator."
FRANCISCO
So the strawberries are definitely free.
VENDOR
The strawberries are definitely, positively, absolutely
(he makes air quotes)
"Free."
FRANCISCO
What was that?
VENDOR
What?
FRANCISCO
That gesture you made.
VENDOR
It was a twitch. I have Parkinson's Disease.
FRANCISCO
Oh, I'm sorry.
(he reaches for a berry)
Well, in that case I'll...
A second vendor enters from the back of the house.
SECOND VENDOR
Strawberries! Complementary strawberries! Hey!
He bounds up on stage.
SECOND VENDOR (cont'd)
Good evening sir! Are you tired of other vendors offering
(he does air quotes)
"free" strawberries? Do you crave the sweet, sun-kissed flavor of summer fruit, but don't want to deal with the mind-games of other gratis berry purveyors?
FRANCISCO
Do I ever!
SECOND VENDOR
Then take a berry, kind sir! Take a berry and fly free!
Francisco takes a berry and eats it.
SECOND VENDOR (cont'd)
That'll be $52 shipping and handling.
Music cue: "Shave and a Haircut Two Bits."
FRANCISCO
(reacting to cue)
What was that?
SECOND VENDOR
Sorry, that's my watch. I set the alarm to remind myself that I need to get a shave and a haircut. Gotta go. I'll put the berries on your tab.
He exits.
FRANCISCO
Wait!
Francisco beckons after the second vendor, but is too late. The first vendor regards Francisco with disgust.
VENDOR
Well, I hope you're happy. Your quest for sarcasm-free free berries only led to greater expenditure...
(crossing center stage, to audience)
And I hope we've all learned a valuable lesson about dramatic irony. Mainly that it's a cheap way to get out of a comedy scene. You could've had strawberries! But perhaps Earth isn't ready to believe that a close personal friend of the late J.T. Walsh would distribute fruit without regard for personal gain. Maybe mankind just needs time to mature. As for now, I must take my leave of you-- but when you think of me, think of me as a hero. A hero that for some reason really wants to give you some berries. Farewell.
He leaves the stage.
FRANCISCO
Goodbye, berry man!
VENDOR
Yeah...
(air quotes)
"whatever."
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Voluminous End-of-November Update
Hey kids...
It's been a while since I've posted anything on here. I apologize. Although I don't know why I'm apologizing to you, my few readers. I have no obligation to post on my blog. I should be apologizing to me. I'm only hurting myself, since I started this blog to let people know when and where I'd be performing, or if there was a bit of my writing that I wanted to draw your attention to, or whatever. So I've failed myself. Sorry Dan.
But now I'm back. And ready to write a long blog entry with lots and lots of parentheses.
Anyway, the reason why I haven't written anything in a while, is that I'm in a period of transition. As you probably know, Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You ended on November 11 (you can read what Sara has to say about it here). It was an awesome last show, and it was an awesome show in general. Thanks to Sara, who is one of the sweetest, funniest, all-around-best people I know, for getting me involved with it. Still, having it end has been sad, and it's sort of made me wonder what I should do next. I'm at a crossroads, if you will (if you will allow me to be pretentious, that is).
What's next for me? That's what I'm trying to decide. Recently I contributed (for the first time) a bit to Andres Du Bouchet's excellent show Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game. It went over okay, I think (at least, it didn't stick out like a sore thumb), and I hope to contribute more material to that show, whenever they'll have me (although I won't have the sort of "official" involvement that I had with SSIOWY). Jest.com doesn't appear to be updating anymore, but I hope to be involved in an all-new comedy website soon-- although I can't yet give any details. My friend Fed is planning a series of comedy podcasts, a TV series in online form, and I'm going to be one of the writers for that (and I may show up in a guest spot or two). More news on that as it develops. I'm also planning to write a screenplay, just as soon as I can figure out what I want to write about. If anyone pitches an idea to me that I decide to use, I promise to give them 1% of any money I make from the sale of said theoretical script. 1% of a likely $0.00! You can't beat that, so send those ideas in! Maybe I'll do some more stand-up. There's been some vague discussion of a sketch group with some friends of mine. And I've been taking the "Writing for The Daily Show" class over at The P.I.T. So feel free to hire me, Daily Show. But as for a solid new direction, who knows?
Anyway, in the meantime, if you're jonesing for your Dan fix, you can see me at Church Basement on December the 19th at 8 PM. I'll be delivering a couple of my high-larious essays at this bi-monthly reading series, at Mickey's Blue Room on Avenue C between 10th and 1th Streets. Also, if you want to see me at a more social, but still comedy-related, function, you can come to the party to celebrate/ mourn the sad end of Juvie Hall. It's at Slainte (directions behind the link) starting at 7 PM on December 19. You'll recognize me. I'll be the one crying into my beer.
And now, to reward you for slogging through all of that text, here are some photographs of the final Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, courtesy of one of my SSIOWY co-writers, the inimitable Kara Lee Burk:
Oh, the misty watercolored memories...
It's been a while since I've posted anything on here. I apologize. Although I don't know why I'm apologizing to you, my few readers. I have no obligation to post on my blog. I should be apologizing to me. I'm only hurting myself, since I started this blog to let people know when and where I'd be performing, or if there was a bit of my writing that I wanted to draw your attention to, or whatever. So I've failed myself. Sorry Dan.
But now I'm back. And ready to write a long blog entry with lots and lots of parentheses.
Anyway, the reason why I haven't written anything in a while, is that I'm in a period of transition. As you probably know, Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You ended on November 11 (you can read what Sara has to say about it here). It was an awesome last show, and it was an awesome show in general. Thanks to Sara, who is one of the sweetest, funniest, all-around-best people I know, for getting me involved with it. Still, having it end has been sad, and it's sort of made me wonder what I should do next. I'm at a crossroads, if you will (if you will allow me to be pretentious, that is).
What's next for me? That's what I'm trying to decide. Recently I contributed (for the first time) a bit to Andres Du Bouchet's excellent show Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game. It went over okay, I think (at least, it didn't stick out like a sore thumb), and I hope to contribute more material to that show, whenever they'll have me (although I won't have the sort of "official" involvement that I had with SSIOWY). Jest.com doesn't appear to be updating anymore, but I hope to be involved in an all-new comedy website soon-- although I can't yet give any details. My friend Fed is planning a series of comedy podcasts, a TV series in online form, and I'm going to be one of the writers for that (and I may show up in a guest spot or two). More news on that as it develops. I'm also planning to write a screenplay, just as soon as I can figure out what I want to write about. If anyone pitches an idea to me that I decide to use, I promise to give them 1% of any money I make from the sale of said theoretical script. 1% of a likely $0.00! You can't beat that, so send those ideas in! Maybe I'll do some more stand-up. There's been some vague discussion of a sketch group with some friends of mine. And I've been taking the "Writing for The Daily Show" class over at The P.I.T. So feel free to hire me, Daily Show. But as for a solid new direction, who knows?
Anyway, in the meantime, if you're jonesing for your Dan fix, you can see me at Church Basement on December the 19th at 8 PM. I'll be delivering a couple of my high-larious essays at this bi-monthly reading series, at Mickey's Blue Room on Avenue C between 10th and 1th Streets. Also, if you want to see me at a more social, but still comedy-related, function, you can come to the party to celebrate/ mourn the sad end of Juvie Hall. It's at Slainte (directions behind the link) starting at 7 PM on December 19. You'll recognize me. I'll be the one crying into my beer.
And now, to reward you for slogging through all of that text, here are some photographs of the final Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, courtesy of one of my SSIOWY co-writers, the inimitable Kara Lee Burk:
Oh, the misty watercolored memories...
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Cocktail Hour a SMASHing Success
The Cocktail Hour website has an episode guide up, detailing the episode for which I was a guest. I'd like to point out that any drinking game I was playing was unintentional. It may have looked like I was taking a drink whenever anyone talked, but I was merely following my usual policy of taking a drink every 2.5 seconds. Obviously. 
This is the hit sketch team Frowned Upon, otherwise known as D'Arce and Dev of The Cocktail Hour fame. Devon is the one in the cart, and D'Arcy is the one denying him the bag of dehydrated lentils he so desperately wants.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Sara Schaefer Recap Fun
Friday's Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You was one of the best yet, with great office sketches, and an extremely candid interview with Neal Pollack (he even talked about this stuff).
The sketches involved our efforts to start an office newsletter; our break into factions, and the newsletter wars that resulted (with many of us talking in old-timey newspaper voices for no good reason); and the ever-more-absurd competing publications that resulted. We also did mock-ups of the newsletters' covers to project on the back screen during the scenes, and I thought you might enjoy seeing some of those visuals. Here are the two that I put together (the others were done by Sara).
Ah, the hilarity of me in boxers.
Also: Neal Pollack was a great sport, especially when it came to poking fun at himself. He even appeared in the final beat of our office sketches. He was such a good sport that it's worth recapping in full:
After his interview he went backstage with Sara, and an announcer (me) explained that "...they came upon a horrific scene. The office newsletter conflict that had begun 2 sketches ago had erupted into a full-blown war." Through a series of events that would take too long to explain, Sara managed to bring the office back together by singing "Diff'rent Strokes." However, just at the end of the bridge, Neal Pollack came out to release a dove into the air, in a gesture of peace. Unfortunately, the dove is dead and simply falls to the floor. At this point, it's best to just let the script tell the story...
SARA
Oh great, Neal Pollack, way to go. I suppose you'regoing to blame that one on your persona?
EVERYONE
[joining in]
Yeah, good one Neal Pollack! You’re horrible! Neal Pollack is a jerk! Your uin everything! Never mind the Pollacks indeed, sir!
[Just then a voice comes over the PA]
VOICE OF DAVE EGGERS
Hey! Everybody! Calm down.
EVERYONE
Who are you?
DAVE EGGERS
I’m Dave Eggers.
[Everyone gasps]
I just bought this theater to add to my finely honed empire of whimsy. Anyway, you guys, look at yourselves. We need to stop tearing each other down – and come together! Sure, sometimes we get into media wars with people we love and respect, people we owe most of our success to, and sometimes we get into fights with Neal Pollack.
NEAL:
Thanks a lot Eggers!
EGGERS:
That was more whimsy, Neal! Do I need to remind you that I teach children to read?
NEAL:
No, no. (sigh)
EGGERS:
Listen kids, don't let an office newsletter divide you, certainly not when it's printed on such poor quality paper!
NEAL:
He's right, you know.
EGGERS:
Thanks Neal, you're not so bad yourself...
Because it takes, Diff'rent Strokes to move the world. Yes it does. It takes, Diff'rent Strokes to move the world.
SARA:
Dave Eggers is the best!
EVERYONE
[as they exit]
Yay! Eggers rules! I loved “A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius”! I'm going to go buy that book of his that you can't buy in stores!
[Neal Pollack is left alone on stage, with a spotlight on him. The sad music from the end of the Incredible Hulk comes on. He turns, picks up a knapsack, and walks off slowly, pretends to hitchhike. The lights slowly fade to black.]
Ah, poignant and hilarious-- great stuff from Sara and Amanda, who had the biggest hand in writing the final beat (I worked most on the second part... which also went off really well, but I'm not posting the whole show for you suckers. Come to the theater and pay for a ticket).
The sketches involved our efforts to start an office newsletter; our break into factions, and the newsletter wars that resulted (with many of us talking in old-timey newspaper voices for no good reason); and the ever-more-absurd competing publications that resulted. We also did mock-ups of the newsletters' covers to project on the back screen during the scenes, and I thought you might enjoy seeing some of those visuals. Here are the two that I put together (the others were done by Sara).
Ah, the hilarity of me in boxers.
Also: Neal Pollack was a great sport, especially when it came to poking fun at himself. He even appeared in the final beat of our office sketches. He was such a good sport that it's worth recapping in full:
After his interview he went backstage with Sara, and an announcer (me) explained that "...they came upon a horrific scene. The office newsletter conflict that had begun 2 sketches ago had erupted into a full-blown war." Through a series of events that would take too long to explain, Sara managed to bring the office back together by singing "Diff'rent Strokes." However, just at the end of the bridge, Neal Pollack came out to release a dove into the air, in a gesture of peace. Unfortunately, the dove is dead and simply falls to the floor. At this point, it's best to just let the script tell the story...
SARA
Oh great, Neal Pollack, way to go. I suppose you'regoing to blame that one on your persona?
EVERYONE
[joining in]
Yeah, good one Neal Pollack! You’re horrible! Neal Pollack is a jerk! Your uin everything! Never mind the Pollacks indeed, sir!
[Just then a voice comes over the PA]
VOICE OF DAVE EGGERS
Hey! Everybody! Calm down.
EVERYONE
Who are you?
DAVE EGGERS
I’m Dave Eggers.
[Everyone gasps]
I just bought this theater to add to my finely honed empire of whimsy. Anyway, you guys, look at yourselves. We need to stop tearing each other down – and come together! Sure, sometimes we get into media wars with people we love and respect, people we owe most of our success to, and sometimes we get into fights with Neal Pollack.
NEAL:
Thanks a lot Eggers!
EGGERS:
That was more whimsy, Neal! Do I need to remind you that I teach children to read?
NEAL:
No, no. (sigh)
EGGERS:
Listen kids, don't let an office newsletter divide you, certainly not when it's printed on such poor quality paper!
NEAL:
He's right, you know.
EGGERS:
Thanks Neal, you're not so bad yourself...
Because it takes, Diff'rent Strokes to move the world. Yes it does. It takes, Diff'rent Strokes to move the world.
SARA:
Dave Eggers is the best!
EVERYONE
[as they exit]
Yay! Eggers rules! I loved “A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius”! I'm going to go buy that book of his that you can't buy in stores!
[Neal Pollack is left alone on stage, with a spotlight on him. The sad music from the end of the Incredible Hulk comes on. He turns, picks up a knapsack, and walks off slowly, pretends to hitchhike. The lights slowly fade to black.]
Ah, poignant and hilarious-- great stuff from Sara and Amanda, who had the biggest hand in writing the final beat (I worked most on the second part... which also went off really well, but I'm not posting the whole show for you suckers. Come to the theater and pay for a ticket).
Monday, July 25, 2005
Self-Centered
Ah, the latest in my annoying series of posts tracking back blog references to shows I write for/ appear in...
The inimatable Lusty Lady tells of her excursion to July 15th's Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You.
Neal Pollack, SSIOWY's guest for the upcoming July 29 show, announces his appearance on our show over at his blog.
Lastly, Amanda Melson, lovely and talented stand-up/ Sara Schaefer writer recently had a birthday (Happy Birthday!) and restarted her blog. It's a little sparse right now, but it'll grow.
The inimatable Lusty Lady tells of her excursion to July 15th's Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You.
Neal Pollack, SSIOWY's guest for the upcoming July 29 show, announces his appearance on our show over at his blog.
Lastly, Amanda Melson, lovely and talented stand-up/ Sara Schaefer writer recently had a birthday (Happy Birthday!) and restarted her blog. It's a little sparse right now, but it'll grow.
Monday, July 18, 2005
Monday Morning Hangover
Good show last night. I particularly liked two sketches, one by Andres Du Bouchet, the full text of which you can read online (I got to play the Doctor), and one by my old friend and former Robotski member Federico Hatoum, about a couple of gentle mobsters (while 'terrorizing' a couple for their protection money: "It would be a real shame if a meteor crashed into the Earth, ending all mammalian life... That's not a threat; it's just something I worry about.") And Laura contributed a delightful visit from Carob Carl for the news segment, wherein the creepy Willy Wonka-like owner of a Carob factory dropped by, despondent over the unpleasantness of his chocolate substitute.
I contributed the closer for the evening, "Weekend at Rehnquist's" wherein Minority Leader Harry Reid and late-80's actor Andrew McCarthy find the chief justice passed away, and (fearing two Bush appointees) they rig up a pulley system so he can give a straight vote by show of hands on the issues of "abortion, stem cell research, and affirmative action, in an unprecedented three-for-one decision." It ended with the voodoo-cursed, Hawaiian shirt-wearing corpse of Rehnquist leading the full cast in a conga line around the stage. People seemed to like it-- some stuff got a huge response.
As is my (new) wont, here are a couple of my jokes from the newsdesk:
According to a poll, the Disney character consumers relate to the most is Goofy, winning out over Mickey, Donald, and others. You know, when asked what makes America so great, I can’t help but think of that majority, who willfully identified themselves as being most similar to a retarded dog-man.
Willie Nelson released a reggae album called "Countryman," on Tuesday. Willie Nelson AND reggae? I think High Times just found its Album of the Year.
I contributed the closer for the evening, "Weekend at Rehnquist's" wherein Minority Leader Harry Reid and late-80's actor Andrew McCarthy find the chief justice passed away, and (fearing two Bush appointees) they rig up a pulley system so he can give a straight vote by show of hands on the issues of "abortion, stem cell research, and affirmative action, in an unprecedented three-for-one decision." It ended with the voodoo-cursed, Hawaiian shirt-wearing corpse of Rehnquist leading the full cast in a conga line around the stage. People seemed to like it-- some stuff got a huge response.
As is my (new) wont, here are a couple of my jokes from the newsdesk:
According to a poll, the Disney character consumers relate to the most is Goofy, winning out over Mickey, Donald, and others. You know, when asked what makes America so great, I can’t help but think of that majority, who willfully identified themselves as being most similar to a retarded dog-man.
Willie Nelson released a reggae album called "Countryman," on Tuesday. Willie Nelson AND reggae? I think High Times just found its Album of the Year.
Friday, June 24, 2005
All Over the Internet Like Free Porn
I got my first mention in The Apiary which is kind of like a gossip-column-blog, specifically covering New York comedians and the New York comedy community. It's the sort of thing people like me read, secretly hoping to see their name. And now I have. Which was exciting. Plus, they were nice enough to link to this very page.
Anyway, my name-check was part of a discussion of the last (sold out!) Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, with special musical guest Lisa Loeb. I was really pleased with this episode. I got to take the first pass at the time-travel plot, and the extra time we had to prepare gave me and all the writers-- the astounding Patrick Stubbins, Amanda Melson, Kara Lee Burk, and Sara herself-- a ton of time to punch up and expand on the script and make it high-larious. Some key plot points-- Amanda played "future Sara Schaefer," (despite looking nothing like Sara), who came back in time as to warn Sara about the doom that would befall everyone at the end of the show, but refused to give specifics for fear of changing the future. Kara Lee played "future Dan" (SARA: In the future you're a woman? ME: Yeah... turns out I've got a lot of unresolved issues that I won't deal with for another couple of years.") who came back in time with no scruples about changing the future. Eventually future Dan became Sara's personal assistant, helping with the aid of her total knowledge of the future, and I ended up getting drunk and sleeping with the future version of myself. At the end of the show we discover that the horrible thing that was going to happen at the end of the show was that all the messing with time has changed SSIOWY's theater into a movie house showing Ashton Kutcher's "The Butterfly Effect." Thankfully we're all saved from having to watch it by future Dan, who has brought back a tape of Sara's future E! True Hollywood Story, detailing her rise to fame. Thus, everything ends happily.
The guests were also great. Lisa is just as cute as you would imagine, and she played three songs, including "Stay." It was one of those moments, where I was like, "Hey, I remember watching this video on MTV in high school. And now I'm standing back stage at a show for which I'm a writer, and she's playing it live," where I felt like, even if my career goes no further, this is kind of wonderful. That moment eventually passed though. Please pay me for my writing. Also, Chris Genoa, the novelist (and Sara's fiancee) was very funny-- you should read the post on The Apiary for more details.
In addition to the shout-out at The Apiary, Rachel Kramer Bussel, the famed Lusty Lady and comedy fan wrote about us on her comedy weblog. She's been a big fan of Sara's show since way back-- certainly long before I was even involved with it, and I know everyone appreciates all her support (she even wrote a great interview with Sarah for Gothamist some time back). Anyway, like I said, it was a good show. We had three cameras taping it, along with some special sound equipment, etc., so maybe it'll get us into some comedy festival or something.
Also, The Apiary mentioned that Jest Magazine's going national. They also call it "Mad Magazine for manchildren," which, to be honest, is pretty fair. I'm just glad people are paying attention, as I've been contributing regularly for almost a year now and I love it when the rag gets any publicity. Also, I actually got my first fan letter in Jest's most recent issue. Maybe I'll type it up for you guys when I get a chance.
Anyway, my name-check was part of a discussion of the last (sold out!) Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, with special musical guest Lisa Loeb. I was really pleased with this episode. I got to take the first pass at the time-travel plot, and the extra time we had to prepare gave me and all the writers-- the astounding Patrick Stubbins, Amanda Melson, Kara Lee Burk, and Sara herself-- a ton of time to punch up and expand on the script and make it high-larious. Some key plot points-- Amanda played "future Sara Schaefer," (despite looking nothing like Sara), who came back in time as to warn Sara about the doom that would befall everyone at the end of the show, but refused to give specifics for fear of changing the future. Kara Lee played "future Dan" (SARA: In the future you're a woman? ME: Yeah... turns out I've got a lot of unresolved issues that I won't deal with for another couple of years.") who came back in time with no scruples about changing the future. Eventually future Dan became Sara's personal assistant, helping with the aid of her total knowledge of the future, and I ended up getting drunk and sleeping with the future version of myself. At the end of the show we discover that the horrible thing that was going to happen at the end of the show was that all the messing with time has changed SSIOWY's theater into a movie house showing Ashton Kutcher's "The Butterfly Effect." Thankfully we're all saved from having to watch it by future Dan, who has brought back a tape of Sara's future E! True Hollywood Story, detailing her rise to fame. Thus, everything ends happily.
The guests were also great. Lisa is just as cute as you would imagine, and she played three songs, including "Stay." It was one of those moments, where I was like, "Hey, I remember watching this video on MTV in high school. And now I'm standing back stage at a show for which I'm a writer, and she's playing it live," where I felt like, even if my career goes no further, this is kind of wonderful. That moment eventually passed though. Please pay me for my writing. Also, Chris Genoa, the novelist (and Sara's fiancee) was very funny-- you should read the post on The Apiary for more details.
In addition to the shout-out at The Apiary, Rachel Kramer Bussel, the famed Lusty Lady and comedy fan wrote about us on her comedy weblog. She's been a big fan of Sara's show since way back-- certainly long before I was even involved with it, and I know everyone appreciates all her support (she even wrote a great interview with Sarah for Gothamist some time back). Anyway, like I said, it was a good show. We had three cameras taping it, along with some special sound equipment, etc., so maybe it'll get us into some comedy festival or something.
Also, The Apiary mentioned that Jest Magazine's going national. They also call it "Mad Magazine for manchildren," which, to be honest, is pretty fair. I'm just glad people are paying attention, as I've been contributing regularly for almost a year now and I love it when the rag gets any publicity. Also, I actually got my first fan letter in Jest's most recent issue. Maybe I'll type it up for you guys when I get a chance.
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