In Which I Throw My Political Weight Around

As you know, the major news outlets have been dogging me for my endorsements regarding November's elections. Clearly, my political influence cannot be undervalued (forget Tippecanoe and Tyler too, I made William Henry Harrison). Still, I resisted being pushed into making a decision before I was ready-- wielding such credibility with the public and the political elite is truly an awesome responsibility.

Thus, it was only after much consideration that I am now ready to reveal who I will be backing in the following races. Associated Press take note!

First, the local match-ups:

Governor:

George Pataki vs. A Small Pebble Wedged in My Shoe

PICK: Small Pebble Wedged in My Shoe - Sure, it's an annoyance, at least until I have an opportunity to bend down and remove it, but it seems to care more about New York City. Pebble, you've been backed!

Mayor:

Hon. Edward McCheese vs. Big Bird

PICK: Big Bird. Despite his previous mayoral experience, I doubt that a Kroftian, anthropomorphic cheeseburger has what it takes to manage the largest metropolitan area in the U.S. On the other hand, Big Bird is a lifelong NYC native (no carpetbagger here!) who has managed to keep the peace on Sesame Street, despite the impending human gentrification of his historically Muppet neighborhood.

District Alderman:

Caldecott Alder Mann vs. James K. Badchoiceforalderman

PICK: Alder Mann - Not sure why; I just have a gut feeling on this one. Also, what kind of crazy long surname is his challenger sporting? Just try and fit that on a ballot!

Next up, the Senate:

Florida:

Bud Light vs. Bud Dry

PICK: Bud Light - After the political fiasco that was Bud Bowl XVIII, I thought the incumbent's hopes were dashed forever, but this appears to be the rivalry that won't quit. I'm throwing my support behind B. Light, because its fewer calories mean less alcoholic content, and who wants a drunk in charge of school lunches?

New Jersey:

A Horsefly vs. Inflatable Water Wings

PICK: Water Wings. I've been stung by Horseflies before!*

*this joke courtesy of Victoria Tucker, age 8, Gary, IN.

Rhode Island:

OK! Soda vs. Two Aggies and a Steelie

PICK: Two Aggies and a Steelie - I'm not sure what makes a little-known, hipster-marketing-driven orange-cola from the '90s think its profile is high enough to win such a high elected office, but I do know that it's nowhere near as valuable as a good steelie, especially if you're playing for keepsies.

Pennsylvania:

Five Years of Unrelenting Physical and Psychological Torture vs. Sixty Pages of Fully Nude Photos of Scarlett Johansson in Various Positions, or, if You Are a Woman or Gay Man, Hugh Jackman

PICK: Nude Photos - Some races are so overmatched, one wonders why they bother. I mean, Nude Photos is the incumbent, and Unrelenting Physical and Psychological Torture is running as a Green. Hello!?

Nebraska:

North Dakota vs. South Dakota

PICK: South Dakota - I'm not sure how other states are able to run in Congressional races for a third state, but when you're picking between these two, always pick the warmer one, that's my motto!

Well, anyway, those are my picks, and I think they're pretty...

What?

What's that you say?

You say that the document I was using as a reference to make my choices wasn't a list of political candidates at all, but simply a list of entirely random words and phrases created by a random word and phrase generator that you invented for some reason?

Well, in that case, why were they grouped in twos with the abbreviation "vs." between each one of them?

You're trying to tell me that "vs." just happened to be randomly generated multiple times? That seems highly unlikely-- out of the millions of words in the English language, for "vs." to appear eight times seems disproportionate to the point of near-impossibility...

Well, yes, I suppose that if you invented a random word and phrase generator, you are more of an expert in probability than I am. I'm sorry to have doubted you. It's just irritating to have made all these crazy endorsement choices.

Oh well, can't change them now. Too weak. Too flip-floppy. Stay the course, etc. America, you have your work cut out for you:

(1.) Get these fictional characters/ inanimate objects on the ballot in your state or district.

(2.) Elect the appropriate one.

(3.) Recieve my heartfelt thanks.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have thousands of signatures to forge.

New Primetime Kalan, Coming August 26

Hey, friends. Like I've said before, comedy slows down a bit in the summer, preferring to lie low, rather than risk a melanoma on its fair-skinned underbelly. However, things are starting to pick up again, starting with The Primetime Kalan.

Following our sell-out June show (the first in our new venue), The Primetime Kalan took a short summer break in July; but we're back in full force on August 26! Put it on your calendar now, forgetful ones! I'll probably only mention it three other times before then!

The Primetime Kalan August 26 at 8:30 PM @ Jimmy's No. 43 Located downstairs at 43 East 7th Street between 2nd and 3rd Avenue. By Subway: Take the 6 to Astor Place/ Take the R/W to 8th Street/ Take the F train to 2nd Avenue.
The cost is $5 - No drink minimum!

Our guests will be the lovely, funny Walker and Cantrell. Take a moment to visit their website, and watch their great short video, "Surviving Geddes." Or read one of the prose pieces housed there. I'm a particular fan of "So You've Knocked Over a Row of a Motorcycle Gang's Motorcyles."


















Walker and Cantrell explore the exotic world of aluminum siding.

Plus, a special appearance by the funny, lovely "Frowned Upon" (AKA Devon T. Coleman and D'Arcy Erokan).















Devon points to D'Arcy, to indicate that she is, indeed, squatting atop a pedestal.

As always, the show will also feature Elliott's patented hostly stylings, a video from Brock Mahan, and writing/ performing assistance from Erik Marcisak and myself.

The Primetime Kalan will return yet again on September the 24th. Isn't it torture to wait a whole month between these things? Better make sure to go to every show, so you can load up on Primetime Kalan goodness while you can.

Also, some friends and I have something special cooking for Halloween. So stay tuned.

Please Vote for My Friend Liz

...who is a great person, who looks great in underwear.







"Vote for me! I'm the classy one!"

Now back to the regularly scheduled lack of posting.

Mondays Are Made for Minor Victories

I'm one of last week's finalists in Daniel Radosh's weekly New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest. Huzzah!

An Orgy of Self-Reflexive Posting

The folks over at the comic book blog Kung Fu Rodeo posted our Primetime Kalan Superman videos, one per day, over this past weekend. Thanks, comics fans, for overlooking our lousy production values in order to enjoy a few spandex-clad laughs.

Also, The Apiary picked up my hate piece about Shouts and Murmurs. Unlike everyone else on the Internet, I usually try not to badmouth anyone, but I made an (apparently newsworthy) exception. My only fear is that Libby Gelman-Waxler will put a hit out on me. Sorry, Mr. Rudnick. You did write one thing I sort of enjoyed, once.

Water Recycling

In honor of this weekend's release of M. Night Shymalan's Lady in the Water, I direct you to my previously-mentioned humor piece, M. Night Shymalan's Modern Library.

Thank you, M. Night, for making us laugh at falling in love... again.




















Paul Giamatti and Bryce Dallas Howard hide from water-allergic aliens.

Shouts and Vitriol

Tthis piece in the most recent New Yorker, American Idol World Court, by Paul Rudnick, is so unfunny that it provoked nothing but rage-- much more so than I will ever feel after reading any Seymore Hersh reportage detailing the failings of the Bush Administration. (And thank you Mr. Rudnick for pointing out how shallow I am.)

Why do I hate it so?

1. It's so incredibly original! No one has EVER thought to compare American Idol and national/ world politics!* What a fresh take! Surely no-one would ever think to compare an incredibly popular, incredibly fluffy, television program--one with elements that include voting and judges--to government and related issues! Get this-- they're passing judgement, but on serious things.

Here's a tip: when a Mandy Moore movie has done it already, your premise may have lost some of its satiric edge.

2. Wow, you're right! Randy Jackson sure does say "dawg" a lot. And Paula is spacy! And Simon is a jerk! It's like you've GOTTEN INSIDE THEIR HEADS!

3. Mr. Rudnick has made the bold decision to wait a full four seasons to drop this jewel on us. Also, he's decided to run it while the show is between seasons, and thus foremost in everyone's mind.

4. He probably got paid a couple of grand for shitting out this piece... although that can't compare to the hundreds of thousands he likely made for writing such hilarious films as Isn't She Great, Marci X, and The Stepford Wives, whereas...

5. Shouts and Murmurs has rejected all the pieces I've sent to them. And I have no money.

Yeah... my grapes are probably a bit sour.

But read the following rejected piece, and tell me that it's not eight times as funny as anything they've printed in the last year:

--

Frankenfranken

By Dan McCoy

The following is a transcript of the now infamous "Frankenfranken" program that aired at 2 am on July 17, 2005. It was the last episode of the program ever to be produced.

ANNOUNCER
Coming up next, we have The Frankenfranken Show, which will carry you on through 'til morning. This is Air America. The time is 2:05 AM.

Theme: Feed My Frankenstein by Alice Cooper. Fade out.

FRANKENFRANKEN
Grrrr…. Hello. Welcome to Frankenfranken show. Me host, Frankenfranken, telling you Republicans are dead wrong, and me should know what I talk about. Ha ha. BECAUSE FRANKENFRANKEN DEAD! GET IT? GRRRRR! LAUGH, STUPID LISTENERS!

Sound of a cattle prod.

FRANKENFRANKEN
GRAHHH! (incoherent mumbling) Frankenfranken is sorry he said that. Frankenfranken knows he should not insult own audience. Let's take call.

CALLER #1
…

FRANKENFRANKEN
Caller?

CALLER #1
He—Hello?

FRANKENFRANKEN
Yes?

CALLER #1
Is this the Al Franken Show?

FRANKENFRANKEN
NO! NEXT CALLER!

CALLER #2
Hi. Mr. Franken, don't you think that naming your book "Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot" helped lower the level of political discourse in this country?

FRANKENFRANKEN
AAAAARRRRRRGGHHHH!!!

Sound of phone being crushed.

FRANKENFRANKEN
How many times does Frankenfranken have to explain to you people? Frankenfranken and Al Franken not the same. Frankenfranken created by Air America in effort to plug gigantic hole in least-popular overnight time slot. Me stitched together from parts of six dead Al Franken clones and one box Frankenberry™ brand cereal, then reanimated using power of lighting bolt that strike Air America broadcasting tower! IS VERY SIMPLE!

Long pause.

FRANKENFRANKEN
So to answer question: Frankenfranken not write Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot. Frankenfranken write much less popular book "If Rush Limbaugh Reanimated Corpse, He Still Be Dumb." Besides, me believe Al Franken book title meant as parody of Limbaugh own rhetorical attacks.

Sound of newspaper clumsily being opened.

FRANKENFRANKEN
So, while they bring new phone, let's talk. What in paper… George Bush say global warming need more study. George Bush say no stem cell research. George Bush say war in Iraq front line in war on terror. George Bush, George Bush, GEORGE BUSH! URGH! BUSH MAKE ME SO MAD! ANY CALLER BUSH MAKE MAD TOO, CALL IN! TALK TO FRANKENFRANKEN! CALL!

CALLER #3
Is this Frankenfranken?

FRANKENFRANKEN
YES!... Yes, is Frankenfranken. You hate Bush?

CALLER #3
Sure, sure… I'm a lifelong democrat, but that's not why I called. Did you say that you were stitched together from six dead clones of Al Franken and one box of Frankenberry cereal?

FRANKENFRANKEN
(Sigh) Yes, Frankenfranken say that.

CALLER #3
Why did they add the box of Frankenberry cereal?

FRANKENFRANKEN
You not think Frankenfranken ask self same question? Frankenfranken wonders every day! Is all Frankenfranken can do to keep from clawing at self to get at the delicious strawberry-flavored cereal that lies beneath! FRANKENFRANKEN NOT ASK TO BE CREATED! FRANKENFRANKEN JUST AS AIR AMERICA MAKE ME!

Sound of a cattle prod. Incoherent muttering.

CALLER #3
Well, also—you're stitched together from six dead Al Franken clones? Why murder six clones, pull them apart, put them back together, and reanimate them? It seems like a lot of trouble. If you have the technology to make a Franken clone, then why not just give the clone a show?

FRANKENFRANKEN
Because Air America mad with power! Air America discover secret of reanimating dead tissue, and decide to play God! Frankenfranken made up of six dead clones because Air America take the most liberal body part from each Al Franken, to create unholy super-liberal!

CALLER #3
Okay, now that just doesn't make sense. If these were all clones, surely the liberalism would be distributed exactly the same in…

Sound of Frankenfranken hanging up.

FRANKENFRANKEN
CALLERS! STOP MAKING FRANKENFRANKEN QUESTION MEANING OF OWN EXISTENCE! IT ENRAGES FRANKENFRANKEN! Of course Frankenfranken's life raises all kinds of questions! Frankenfranken is deeply conflicted about own existence! For example: as super-liberal, Frankenfranken appreciate cloning technology in relation to stem cells as possible medical boon. On other hand, as reanimated clone, Frankenfranken feels self to be abomination before God!

Incoherent chatter from engineer's booth. Sound of torch being lit.

FRANKENFRANKEN
Also, Frankenfranken wonder about own free will! Is Frankenfranken a liberal because me so chose? Or is Frankenfranken liberal because me stitched together from parts of liberal?! And is sound of torch being lit really sound that can be recognized over radio, then later transcribed for transcript purposes?!

Sound of scuffle, things being knocked over.

FRANKENFRANKEN
URRRRH! FIRE! FIRE BAD! NOOOOOOO!

Sound of burning studio collapsing. Static. Silence.

ANNOUNCER
Next, on Air America: Zombie Adlai Stevenson.

--

So, call me, The New Yorker. I may insult you, but I only do it out of love. Love, and the desire for you to send me large checks, and not to a guy who made a movie where Lisa Kudrow runs a rap label.

Seriously, fuck Paul Rudnick.

*to quote The Simpsons, "In case you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic."

A Video Done By & For Some Friends

I had no part in making the following video, but it was put together by two of my fellow Kalan writers, Brock and Erik, for Sara Schaefer's new show. So I thought you fine people might be interested. It shows two of Weird Al's new songs, and one lost "classic."

Kalan Summer Update

After the sold-out success of the premiere of The Primetime Kalan at Jimmy's No. 43, we're taking the month of July off. (Nothing keeps the momentum going like taking a vacation right after the premiere! Soon we'll be as popular as LOST!)

However, fear not, Kalantites! Our inimitable brand of absurdist talk/ variety show will return in August and September-- Saturday August the 26th and Saturday August the 23rd, both at 8:30, to be exact. $5, no cover, as always. We've got some hilarious things planned involving stuffed animals and trench coats.

So mark your calendars for fun, if you're the sort of anal person who marks their calendars with comedy shows a month in advance. I hope you are!













Elliott has a Doogie Howser moment.

Blurbed!

In an unprompted response to one of my previous posts, Elliott Kalan, of the smash hit "The Primetime Kalan" has provided me with the following blurb...

"Dan McCoy is a grown man with the mischievous enthusiasm of a small boy who has somehow talked his way into a teaching position at Harvard University."

Thanks, Elliott! Only a man with your "devestating, Byronic good looks"* could be so singularly perceptive!

*Source: email from E. Kalan to D. McCoy, July 12, 2006.

Show Photos

Here's a picture from the Very British 4th of July show, which Eric Zuckerman and I hosted in the guise of Bob Hoskins and Michael Caine. I'm the hatless one who looks nothing like Caine.



Thanks to my lovely wife for the photo. Larger version available here.

Update: I'm adding the following picture of Eric and me drinking. Previously you had to follow us around until we went to a bar and wait a couple seconds to get this kind of sweet, sweet action. Thanks, Internet!



And lastly, here's one of Matt Koff, from the Summer Funtime Special, to disturb and alarm you.

Site Milestone

Well, the odometer rolled over past 10,000 visitors today (although most of those hits were probably from either librarians or me). It's a tiny mark of success, I suppose, with the emphasis on tiny-- which in many ways is fine.

The other day I was pondering about how most successful comedians have a persona, and about how I don't have one, which, in turn, is probably why I don't usually think of myself as a comedian as much as a comedy writer (although I perform fairly often). I've settled into my role as the guy in the background, the staff writer (whether it be for the now defunct Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, or the currently running Primetime Kalan), or the guy who does some guest writing or performing in his friends' shows.

Most of the time this is cool with me. My career goal is to be a TV or screenwriter, not a comedy star, so I'm kind of training for that, with all my current stuff.

Still, just because I'm the support guy, doesn't mean I'm not an egomaniac (I did chose show business-- such as it is-- after all). Sometimes I feel like being in the background causes people to underrate what I'm capable of. Plus, I originally came to NYC to be an actor. I know my way around the stage. I could do more performing, or write stuff for myself to perform, and I'd be good at it.

And yet... I don't know that I have something specific that I, as myself, need to present to the world. No individual comic persona. So I don't end up doing my own thing very often.

Sorry that this hasn't been either (1.) a plug, my stated reason for maintaining this site, or (2.) funny, what I'm theoretically attempting the rest of the time. It's just something that occured to me recently, when I was thinking about blurbs.

Blurbs? Where the hell did that come from? Well, here's what I mean. If I was writing a quote about my former fake boss, Sara Schaefer, I might say something like:

"Her endearingly awkward presence belies a surprisingly sharp wit. A master of daffy self-effacement!"

Not great prose, but you get the picture. Or my current "boss," Elliott Kalan:

"A geek's geek, Kalan spins comic gold from supposedly cult subjects, his likable delivery making them accessible to his whole audience."

Whereas my blurb would be:

"His endearingly self-effacing exterior fails to belie an apologetic interior. His dry delivery makes slightly amusing a series of increasingly baffling references. Pleasantly regressive."

My friend Rob Bates co-wrote an entire sketch show for Rick Murphy, inspired by what he saw as Rick's comic persona. The title? "Rick Murphy is an Asshole."

Here are some suggested titles for my show:

"Dan McCoy May Come Off as Somewhat Cold if You Don't Know Him That Well, But Actually He's Just Sort of Shy."

"Dan McCoy is Politely Nodding After Everything You Say."

"Dan McCoy is Expressing Increasingly-Less-Dignified Befuddlement as the Straight Man in this Sketch."

"Dan McCoy Doesn't Mind a Laugh at His Own Expense, Provided He Helped Script It or is Otherwise Involved."

"Dan McCoy is Vaguely Dissatisfied With Life and Reacts With Mildly Cutting Remarks."

"Dan McCoy, Like Most People in Comedy, Probably Secretly Thinks He's Funnier Than You, but He Also Respects What You've Done, and Suspects He May Be Wrong About The Funnier Than You Thing."

"Dan McCoy Makes an Appropriate Pop Culture Reference, but Not Too Frequently, Because That Would Be Pandering and Lazy."

"Dan McCoy Loves To Dance, If You Get a Few Drinks In Him."

Etc.

Reviewed

This website reviewed the show I was in on Wednesday. You can read the whole thing*, but I'll skip you to the pertinent paragraph:

"Spot on, also, were Eric Zuckerman as Bob Hoskins and Dan McCoy as Michael Caine, performing patter in character to wrap around all the sketches from beginning to end. McCoy didn’t try to look much like him, but had Caine’s voice perfectly."

True enough, although to make me look like Caine, I'd have to wear a curly blond wig, which would probably just confuse audience members who would wonder why Harpo Marx** was talking like the old guy from Batman Begins.

Anyway, thanks to the reviewer for the kind words-- with this endorsement I can finally enter the lucrative field of voice-only celebrity impersonation. For only $10, I will call any friend or family member you choose, pretending to be the star of Irwin Allen's The Swarm. What a deal!

*A note, if you do read the rest of the review-- the show was actually called "A Very British Fourth of July" and "The Summer Funtime Special" was actually the name of one of the groups that performed. I think this got a little (understandably) muddled.

**Yes, I know that Harpo's wig was originally light pink, and later red, but it tended to read as blond onscreen. Thus, I made this joke, because it's doubtful that anyone reading is as big a Marx Brothers nerd as me. Then again, this is the Internet.

5th of July Spectacular, Tonight

Hot off the promo presses...

Join hosts Michael Caine and Bob Hoskins (really Dan McCoy and Eric Zuckerman) for an evening of sketch comedy and 4th of July related festivities. This may be your only chance to celebrate America's Independence with a pair of award-winning British actors. And isn't that the way George Washington would have wanted it?

With sketch comedy by The Summer Funtime Special, Freedumb and a special sneak preview of Uncle Sam's Satiric Spectacular.

A Very British 4th of July
presented by Manhattan Comedy Collective
Hosted by Michael Caine & Bob Hoskins
with sketch comedy by Freedumb, Uncle Sam's Satiric Spectacular, and The Summer Funtime Special
Wednesday, July 5th at 8:00pm
at Jimmy's No 43
43 E 7th St. (downstairs)
between 2nd/3rd Ave.
6 to Astor Place;R/W to 8th St., F/V to 2nd Avenue
$7.00 - No Drink Minimum
Advance Tickets available

Movie Avalanche

Boy are you guys lucky today, because I have a Friday treat for you. All of the Superman movies that we shot for the June 24 episode of The Primetime Kalan are now up on YouTube, so you can finally judge who makes better Superman films-- us or Bryan Singer.

First up is the short written by me and starring me as Superman, with Elliot Kalan as "The Professor."



Here's the one Elliott wrote. It's got a funny script, but a word of warning: it was shot at the end of the day, when we'd stopped caring about things like... oh... "camerawork" and "lighting." So half of the shots are significantly darker than other shots, even though supposedly all the action is taking place in the same room at the same time. Please pretend that this is an intentional stylistic choice, and not evidence of certain Edward D. Wood Jr. tendencies on our part. Elliot plays Superman in this one. Oh, and look for me in the key role of "Baliff."



Here's one of the slickest-looking videos of the bunch, it's "The Battle of the Supermen" written by Erik Marcisak, who also stars as the Russian Superman. It also features Elliot's inimitable old-timey voiceover skills, as featured on The Daily Show's "The Decider" adventures.



And lastly (and probably the best-put-together of them all) here's the one written by Brock Mahan, "Superman Vs. Man and Superman." Brock stars as Superman, Elliot is George Bernard Shaw, and look for Devon T. Coleman in his one appearance as "Chauncy." Plus, I put in perhaps my finest performance, as Oscar Wilde. To research for this role, I got myself arrested for sodomy. The rest of the Kalan crew said that it really wasn't necessary, but I insisted.

Realism above all.



Well, that's the last of the Kalan videos, but here's a bonus. I discovered that another short, written by Erik and Joe Guercio (an old Kalanite, all around tech wizard, and good friend), is up on YouTube-- Frank Miller's Vatican City. I had nothing to do with the production of this one; I just think it's worth a look.



UPDATE: It has come to my attention that Elliott's Metro column this week is also all about Superman. Geez, Elliott, enough already!

Caine and Hoskins, Together Again, July 5

Because our Michael Caine and Bob Hoskins schtick so took the world (well, that portion of it that was in our audience) by storm back in January, my colleague Eric "Doomsday Guy" Zuckerman and I will be hosting yet another variety show in the guise of the world's favorite famous Cockneys. So come celebrate American independence, one day late, by spending the night with two Brits. It's:

A Very British 4th of July
presented by Manhattan Comedy Collective
Hosted by Michael Caine & Bob Hoskins
with sketch comedy by Freedumb, Uncle Sam's Satiric Spectacular, and The Summer Funtime Special
Wednesday, July 5th at 8:00pm
at Jimmy's No 43
43 E 7th St. (downstairs)
between 2nd/3rd Ave.
6 to Astor Place;R/W to 8th St., F/V to 2nd Avenue
$7.00 - No Drink Minimum
Advance Tickets available

The Heat Makes Me Logy

So you may have noticed a slight slow-down in postings here, other than the seemingly endless shilling for the Primetime Kalan (debuting tomorrow!). There are a couple of reasons for that:

1. Comedy slows down in the summer. It seems counterintuitive, but it's far easier to get people to come see your show when they have to wade through ankle-deep slush than when it's nice outside. As much as people may enjoy comedy shows (hint: it's not that much), in the summer they prefer to spend their time burning meat outdoors over an open flame or sitting in an air-conditioned theater watching anthropomorphic cars fall in love (and then... what? Fuck? Does the male's exhaust pipe fit snugly into the female's gas-hole? Do child cars pop out the trunk? Do I regret typing gas-hole? The answer, to the final question at least, is yes).

2. I'm not involved in so many ongoing shows. Many of the shows I used to do (like Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You) have gone to their eternal rest. The stuff I'm doing now is either monthly, like the Primetime Kalan, or it's got a longer lead time, for production reasons, like Captains in Space. Other than that, I've just been doing guest stuff for friends who have been nice enough to ask-- like Andres' Giant Tuesday Night (which is on Summer break) or Sara's Video Gaga. (Speaking of which, Sara put her great music video ode to PowerPoint online. Go check it out.)

3. I'm intentionally taking it a little slower, because I'm working on writing a screenplay. It's my goal to have it done by the end of the year. Unfortunately, I had a significant setback recently-- I had gotten as far as having my synopsis and characters worked out, when I saw a trailer for this movie, due out in August. Grrr. My nascent screenplay had nearly the same premise... or at least close enough that anyone who read it would immediately think of this film. So it's back to square one. Oh well. As my friend Matt said, it's my own fault for naming my screenplay "Untitled Justin Long Project 2006."

Anyway, I apologize for the slow, and/ or repetitious content of late (even though, at the best of times, it's mainly just me shilling my shows). Things may pick up a bit in the fall, but in the meanwhile, take a break from pondering Cars' anatomy once in a while, and come see me live.

"I'm gonna do you tricycle-style."

* * *

UPDATE: Superfan #1, Liz, points out that the correct off-color pun would be "muffler." Kudos to you, Liz. If there was a Whither Laffs t-shirt, it would be in the mail.

New Kalan Show TOMORROW!

"Dan," you say, "You can't possibly promote the same show four times." Oh yeah? What if it's the FIRST Primetime Kalan? "Dan, that's just the same old Kalan show at a new place and time. It's not that new." Touche, I say. But Elliott's promoting it multiple times, so why can't I? Observe Elliot's words...

Hello, Kalan Fans!

You've probably seen the TV ads, bus ads, phone kiosk announcements, and blimps, but just in case you missed the blitzkrieg bombardment of publicity, I'm here to announce an all-new episode of the all-new PRIMETIME KALAN, tomorrow night, saturday, at 8:30pm!

We're at a new space, a new time, with new jokes (for once!)! It's the beginning of a glorious new era in human civilization, an era that includes the amazing wildlife of Animalologist Richard Blomquist ("The Daily Show"), the astounding magic of Patrick Terry, and if that isn't enough for you, perhaps I should mention it's our Superman show? Yes, we've hitched our wagon to the most anticipated movie of the summer without its knowledge, and we've got tons of never-before-seen exclusive "Superman" footage that we made ourselves!

Can you afford to miss all this? The answer, of course, is no.

THE PRIMETIME KALAN - Saturday, June 24th, 8:30pm

@

Jimmy 43

43 East 7th Street

(between 2nd and 3rd ave.)

Tix: $5

Endorsed!

I know that you're all out there thinking "Jiminy Christmas, it's a hot summer! I could sure go for a tall, cool Captains in Space right about now!"

Well, aside from being alarmed at your out-of-date slang terms (what are you, a 1930's newspaper boy?) I certainly appreciate your interest. Sadly, it's been a busy few weeks in the spacious and gleaming Captains in Space offices, located on the top floor of Manhattan's historic Chrysler Building. So it may be just a little while longer before episode four (complete with ROBO-DAN) hits the streets.

In the meanwhile, what better to slake your thirst for all things Captains than an endorsement? Emmy-winning former "Lost" scribe, and current "Medium" co-executive producer Javier Grillo-Marxuach has posted a kind little appreciation of our series over at his blog (there's no permalink, but check out the June 19 entry). Plus, a well-placed source has indicated to me that he was a particular fan of my last episode, Future Shock.

Thank you Javier for your nice words and your generous linkage. Kids, why can't the rest of you be more like Javi? Now tuck in your shirts.

Happy Birthday to ME

It's my birthday!

I was going to write a long post, pondering all the lessons I've learned over the past year. It was going to be rueful and clear-eyed and funny. But then I realized that pretending that my living another year meant that I've learned anything would just be a big lie. Also, I'm lazy by nature, so there's no better way for me to celebrate the day of my birth by honoring my flaws and not writing anything of value in this space whatsoever.

Eat my birthday, suckers!

Warmly,
Dan

The Primetime Kalan Debuts June 24!

As the title says, The Primetime Kalan is ready to take off. I'll let the man himself (Elliott Kalan) do the shilling:

Hello, Kalan fans!

As you may know, the Midnight Kalan is long gone, and the New Kalan Show has died anew. But wait! Is there yet another way that Elliott can egotistically name a show after himself? YES! THERE IS!

But what should it be called? Well, it's at a new, prime time, 8:30 pm, and a new prime night, saturday, June 24th....I don't know. Waitaminute! My favorite cut of beef is prime rib! Let's call it THE PRIMETIME KALAN!

And let's celebrate this new christening with an extravaganza so big how can we fit it into the new back-room-of-a-restaurant performance space we're moving to? Hell if I know! But we're going to have to find room for the comedy of Rich Blomquist (The Daily Show), the magic of Patrick Terry (Magician!), and a crapload of Superman-related jokes and videos! And did we mention you can now come see us without being tired at work the next day?

THE PRIMETIME KALAN - Saturday, June 24th, 8:30pm
@ Jimmy's 43 43 East 7th street (between 2nd and 3rd Ave) Manhattan
Tix: $5 (a pittance!)

We hope to see you there.

Gentle Reminder: Video Gaga TONIGHT!

Remember, tonight I will be appearing in a featured role in one of the videos in Sara Schaefer's Video Gaga.

VIDEO GAGA
Wednesday June 14, 9:30 p.m.
Tickets $5 (reserve at www.ucbtheatre.com)
Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre
307 W. 26th Street, btw 8th & 9th

Also, while you're clicking on things, go over and check out Andres du Bouchet's inspiringly re-designed site, and be impressed at what a website can look like when it's just a blogger template. Special thanks to Andres for linking to me and to Captains in Space.

Also, in non-comedy news, I saw a free concert featuring the Eels (w/ Smoosh) last night, and they were awesome. Aside from the lack of charge, the best thing about the concert was that there was no dicking around-- they started on time, Smoosh played for 20 minutes, there was a 10-15 minute changeover, then the Eels played for an hour and a half. That's the way to do it. Highlights included their "Security Guard" who played maracas, guitar, and organ on a few numbers, in addition to performing elaborate kung fu moves and making cryptic interstitial pronouncements. And they closed with an improbably rockin' cover of Frank Sinatra's "That's Life."

Okay, this turned into a regular "recording the mundane details of my life" blog for a moment there, and I apologize-- but really, if you have a chance to see The Eels, know that they put on an amazing show.

UPDATE:
Tonight's Video Gaga is a Gothamist pick. What more do you want?

Adventures in Tapingsitting: Video Gaga and The Primetime Kalan

So, people often ask me, "What is the glamorous life of a sort-of-kinda-member of the New York comedy world like?" And when confronted with such a wayward, possibly fictional, questioner, I feel the need to set them straight on a few points. My life isn't always a whirlwind of poorly-attended performances in basement theaters, or exciting rejection letters. No, sometimes it's also a long weekend of low-budget video shoots.

Yes, in my never-ending quest to make my weekends more like my weekdays, I spent 12 hours this past weekend shooting some pre-taped bits for two upcoming shows. On Saturday I was out in Bay Ridge taping three segments for the first "Primetime Kalan," and on Sunday I was in various locations around Park Slope helping on a segment for "Video Gaga."

Let's focus on Video Gaga first, since it's the first show on the calendar. It's hosted by Sara Schaefer, whom you may remember from the hit fake talk show Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, for which I used to write (although you'd never guess I'm a writer after reading that convoluted last sentence. Geez). So this will be a minor reunion of sorts.

Her new show is at The Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater, the 800-pound gorilla of NYC underground comedy. What is it about? In the words of VG's official description, "Sara Schaefer counts down funny music videos for you! With a live musical act, sketches, special guests, glittery dance numbers, and moxie to boot."

And from Sara's site, additional information specific to this installment: "Musical guest: Erin McKeown. Ahem. AMAZING. Featuring music videos by Adira Amram, The Fresh, Dave Thunder, and two from the Video Gaga camp! Did I mention that three of these will be world premieres? Oh boy oh boy oh boy! And more! Meet the Gaga Girls. Bask in the warmth of the glowing Video Gaga sign. And yes, there will be another fun surprise at the beginning (and end) of the show."

Where do I come in? Well, I have a featured role in one of the music videos. I can't say much about the specifics, but I can say this-- it involves 80 hot dogs.

Video Gaga is this Wednesday the 14th, at 9:30 PM, and costs $5 (reserve tickets at Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre or buy at the door) 307 W. 26th Street, btw 8th & 9th. Closest subway stop is the C or E at 23rd (the 1,9 23rd St. stop is pretty close too).

As for the Primetime Kalan, it's the latest incarnation of Elliott Kalan(of the sketch group The Hypocrites, and an Associate Producer on The Daily Show)'s talk show/ variety program, which started out at midnight under the name The Midnight Kalan, moved to 10 PM and changed its title to The New Kalan Show, and is now moving once again, to an even earlier slot. We expect The Breakfast Kalan to debut sometime in January.

Meanwhile, though, the next show will be our first at our new location, Jimmy's No. 43, a bar not far from the old place. Finally, the show will start on time, there will be beer on tap, and you'll be able to go to the restroom without walking across the stage. What's more, we think you'll find our new time slot (Saturday at 8:30) more amenable than our old (Thursday at 10).

We'll be kicking off the new run with a theme show devoted to Superman, in honor of the Man of Steel's unexpected return to Metropolis. While Bryan Singer's all well and good, the rest of the Kalan gang and I shot a few of our own scripts, documenting some of his lesser-known adventures, and we'll be sprinkling them throughout the next show.

The Primetime Kalan is June 24 at 8:30 PM at Jimmy's No. 43, located downstairs at 43 East 7th Street between 2nd and 3rd Avenue. By Subway: Take the 6 to Astor Place/ Take the R/W to 8th Street/ Take the F train to 2nd Avenue. The cost is $5.

So I hope that answers your nonexistant questions about my lifestyle, but more importantly, I hope you come to a show.

Oh, and I want to give a non-comedy-world shout-out to my good friend, the ever-lovely Fuse#8, who was on NPR's Weekend Edition this Sunday discussing summer reading, and, more specifically, children's literature. Give it a listen, won't you?

Prose Piece Pleasantry

Check out this piece I wrote, M. Night Shyamalan's Modern Library, over at the webzine Ducts.org.

Captains in Space Episode Four, "Future Shock," Online Now

The fourth episode of Captains in Space is online, and I couldn't be more excited. Why? Because it's the first one that I wrote. And I, of course, am an egomaniac.

So you should give this one a spin. Aside from the script by yours truly, it features Andrea Rosen, whom you may recognize from her reoccuring role on Comedy Central's sadly short-lived Stella. Or perhaps you know her from Michael Showalter's "The Baxter." Or maybe you'll just think, "Hey, it's that girl from the Fig Newtons commercial." Whichever camp you belong to, I think you'll enjoy her special guest performance.

The best way to view the episode is on your video iPod (assuming, of course, that you own a video iPod). I know that some folks are still a bit scared of the whole podcasting concept, but I assure you, it's insanely easy.

1. Click on this link. It will launch iTunes, and automatically begin downloading the latest episode.

2. Depending on your settings (under Preferences -> Podcasts -> Podcast Preferences) this episode will either automatically be copied to your iPod the next time you connect it to your computer, or you can manually add it to your iPod by just dragging and dropping like a regular song.

3. New episodes will automatically be downloaded when they become available, without you doing anything. If you don't want to get 'em anymore, just click on podcasts in iTune's side menu, click on the title in your playlist, and click the unsubscribe button near the bottom of the screen.

(if you don't use iTunes, there are different podcatcher feeds at the Captains in Space website)

No fuss, no muss.

If you, like me, are a stranger to the wonders of the video iPod you can download the quicktime file here, and view it on your computer.

Easy as pie.

Lastly, if computers frighten and confuse you, just watch the low-resolution version on YouTube. Just click the big ol' play button in the middle of the screen.



Too easy to even warrant an idiomatic saying.

Anyway, thanks for checking this out... and keep your eyes open for the next episode, also written by me, in which I play a robot. I spent a whole day in silver makeup just to entertain fine folks like you. Can you resist the charms... of ROBO-DAN? (coming soon)

(Oh, and if you want to sign up for the official mailing list, just drop a line to alerts@captainsinspace.com.)

BIG doings, Tonight!

I have two shows at the Gene Frankel Underground tonight:

First, at 7:15 PM - The last of our "Captains in Space LIVE!" events:

Tonight we will be debuting an ALL NEW EPISODE, before it's available online. See it on the big screen first (you may even be privledged to see an "early cut" as Fed might tweak it based on audience reaction... so you can brag to your friends about all the great scenes that were cut from the release version, like the one where Fed crawls around on the ceiling like a spider, or the extended Frankie shower scene).

More importantly (to me, at least), this is the first Captains episode to be written by me. I helped punch up some of the other episodes, but this is the first one to be drawn entirely from my original script. So, if you didn't care for the first three episodes but love this one you can draw your own conclusions. If you loved the first three episodes, but hate this one, then clearly the problem was in the direction. You hear me, Fed!?

Both Captain Fed and I will be on hand to introduce my episode, "Future Shock," as well as episode three, "Double," and to do our little song-and-dance. But never fear if you miss the hilarity-- the new episode will be available online soon.

Second, at 10:00 PM - The final New Kalan Show at the Gene Frankel Theater

To quote Elliott's promotional email:

"Next week brings with it a momentous occasion. On thursday, May 25th, our beloved, small-audienced live fake comedy talk show will be saying its farewells to its longtime home the Gene Frankel Theater. Where's it going? Why, to a DIFFERENT underground theater, and a whole new day and time! Get ready for next month's unveiling of the all-new PRIMETIME KALAN!

But before we welcome the future, let's say goodbye to the past, with the last of 'The New Kalan Show''s and our final performance at the Gene Frankel. All your favorite Kalan characters (Erik! Brock! Dan! Devon! Elliott!) will be there! Special guest comedienne SARA SCHAEFER will be there! Shouldn't YOU be there, too?!

Plus more jokes, sketches, hijinx, emotional damage, and craziness! Help say, "Good riddance, you bastard!" to that crummy theater!"

Come see all the regular New Kalan stuff plus my tearful (?) reunion with my old SSIOWY boss. It should be great fun.






PLUS: It's not just the New Kalan's last night at the Gene Frankel theater -- it's the Manhattan Comedy Collective's last night at the theater. That's right, after tonight all the vestages of Juvie Hall and its children will be swept away forever (or to a bar a few blocks away. One or the other). To celebrate this, MC2 is putting on a special FREE improv jam at 11 PM, just following The New Kalan Show, complete with FREE Jell-o shots.

Captains.

Kalan.

Jell-o shots.

What more could you need?

The Gene Frankel Theater Underground
24 Bond Street (aka East 2nd St.)
In the East Village, on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette. In the basement theater. Take the 6 to Bleeker, B/D/F/V to Broadway Lafayette, or R to Prince.

Cost:

-$5 for 10 PM show ONLY.
-$10 for entire night of shows (including both of my shows, at 7:15 and 10 and everything in-between). Includes 1 free drink ticket.

GTN Bit from 5/24/06

Here's the piece that I wrote for last night's Giant Tuesday show, which was ably performed by Andres du Bouchet as Francisco, Mike Birch as Dr. Greg, and Rob Gordon as the bum.

The Gum Bit

FRANCISCO
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce Dr. Gregory Igloomaker, who has an amazing invention that he would like to share with us.

DR. GREG
Thanks Francisco.

FRANCISCO
Igloomaker, that's an interesting name. What is that, Eskimo?

DR. GREG
No. No, it's not. It's Dutch. Why would you say Eskimo?

FRANCISCO
It is less than not important. Why don't you just share your invention?

DR. GREG
Certainly. Well, Francisco, imagine for a moment that you are not a world-famous variety host, but that by day you labor away in a dull office job.

FRANCISCO
It's hard, but I think I can do it.

DR. GREG Imagine coming into work, day in, and day out. Entering data into spreadsheets. Processing, collating, faxing-- the endless tedium. Getting tired aren't you?

FRANCISCO
(sleepy--nearly hypnotized)
Yes.

DR. GREG
How about a nice cup of coffee?

FRANCISCO
Yes, please.

DR. GREG
But the pantry is so far away.

FRANCISCO
Oh no!

DR. GREG
And Alan, from accounting, forgot to brew a new pot after he finished the old one.

FRANCISCO
I hate that bastard, Alan.

DR. GREG
Don't you wish you just had coffee at your fingertips, all day long?

FRANCISCO
Don't toy with me, Igloomaker! Just give me coffee!

Dr. Greg hands Francisco a stick of gum.

FRANCISCO (cont'd)
This? But this is just a stick of gum.

DR. GREG
Wrong, Francisco. That is a cup of coffee.
(to audience)
You see, I asked myself, what is coffee, but ground coffee beans plus hot water? And what is your mouth but a hot-water-making-machine? So what I've done is suspend the grinds in a sort of natural latex, what the Native Americans called "chicle." Your saliva does the rest.

FRANCISCO
(chewing)
I can taste it brewing in my mouth!

DR. GREG
And that's not all. Just add one of my patented "flavor paks" to create premium specialty coffee. This one is Mocha Latte, and it's made from ground-up chocolate chips and coffee-mate!

Francisco dumps the packet into his mouth.

FRANCISCO
Mmm! It's like a backwash Starbucks!

DR. GREG
(pointing to the package)
That's our slogan! And the best thing is that this gum not only picks you up, but it freshens your breath with the delicious odor of secondhand coffee.

FRANCISCO
Amazing. So, do you make any other versions? Decaf, maybe?

DR. GREG
Please, Francisco; if you want decaf, chew Trident. But I am proud to introduce my new Coffee Nicotine Gum, “Cup 'o Butts.” Quit that nasty smoking habit while enjoying a steaming cup of mouth-joe.

FRANCISCO
Really? Nicotine Coffee Gum? Is that safe? It seems like concentrating the two together might create some sort of dangerous super-stimulant.

While the doctor speaks, a shabbily dressed man sidles onstage.

DR. GREG
Of course not--ask Jim Jarmusch. It's no worse than enjoying a cigarette with a pot of…

BUM
Hey, man, are you carrying?

DR. GREG
(to bum)
Not now.
(to Francisco)
As I was saying, it's no worse than…

BUM
C'mon man, I just need a fix. It's been three days. I've been chewing from the bottom of chairs.

DR. GREG
Get away!

FRANCISCO
What's going on over there? Do you know that man?

DR. GREG
No, he's probably just some homeless man who wandered in off the street, lured by the promise of alternative comedy. Don't worry.

BUM
Just one stick, Dr. Greg. My teeth are aching.

FRANCISCO
He appears to know your name.

DR. GREG
All right.
(beat)
All right, fine. Yes. Charlie here was one of our product testers. It turns out you're right Francisco. Making a Coffee Nicotine Gum somehow increased the addictive power by five hundred and twelve percent…

FRANCISCO
What an oddly specific figure.

DR. GREG
…Which means that all our testers are now addicted. But don't worry! We're working on it! That's why we've developed this Methadone Gum, to help ween people off Cup 'o Butts.

FRANCISCO
How much does the Methadone Gum cost?

DR. GREG
It retails for $250 a pack.

FRANCISCO
That's absurd! You can't solve all gum-created problems with more gum! Are you or are you not using your various flavors as gateways to addict people to ever-more-expensive gum products?

Dr. Greg makes as if to answer, then suddenly makes a break for it, running off-stage.

DR. GREG
Juan Carlos! Start the helicopter!

SFX: HELICOPTER, starting up, and then fading away. Francisco and the bum follow with their eyes, as if he's flying away. A beat.

BUM
What about you, man? You holding?

FRANCISCO
No, I am not. I'm sorry. Would you like a drink ticket?

BUM
(taking the ticket)
Enabler.

He exits. Transition, etc…

--

It went over okay... although the biggest laugh was garnered by the helicopter sound cue, and their reactions to it.

Also, if you haven't been there in a while, check out the Captains in Space website. A few new things have been posted up there-- and the latest episode (the first one written by me) should be online sometime before the end of the Memorial Day weekend. So you can look forward to that, if that's the sort of thing you look forward to.

Tuesday is Giant, Tonight!

Just a reminder, tonight one of my bits will be performed at Andres du Bouchet's always extremely funny Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game (only writing-- I won't be performing in the show. However, I will be in the audience to witness the GTN gang make my words funny, so if you see me, buy me a beer. I'm the one who looks like me).

So come on out. They're shooting a "pilot" to show around to various folks, so I'm sure they'd love the audience to be as big as possible. Oh, and if you want to check out bits from the show in the comfort of your own home or subway, you might be interested to know that they now have a podcast.

In case you've forgotten, Giant Tuesday Night is at:

Rififi/ Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street
between 1st and 2nd Avenues
On the isle of Manhattan
8 PM
The show is FREE (w/ a one drink minimum)

Dead Joke Office

You know the drill...

--

The Tony nominations were announced Tuesday, but Julia Roberts did not receive one, even though her play Days of Rain is a hit. Insiders blame the fact that there isn't currently a category for "Best Freakishly Large Smile."

Details of the classified NSA wiretap program were given to full congressional committees for the first time on Wednesday. And attached to those details was a tiny wireless microphone.

Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan reportedly got into a screaming match at a Los Angeles club after Lohan went over to Hilton's table. Apparently Lohan stole a bite off of Hilton's plate of air.

Texas is close to raising the speed limit on two of its interstate highways to 80 MPH-- reportedly to save money on lethal injections.

The maker of Cesamet, a synthetic drug similar to the active ingredient in marijuana, said Tuesday that it had received FDA approval for US sales. It will be sold along with another drug, which mimics the active ingredient in Fritos.

It is estimated that Paul McCartney, who is divorcing his wife, could have to pay her a possible 400 million dollars. Upon hearing this, Mr. McCartney immediately phoned his wife, saying, "We can work it out."

A small, but growing number of colleges are holding "lavender graduations" to honor gay and lesbian students-- although many gay and lesbian students say that the idea sounds "kinda gay."
New York City police have been warned about a new rapid-fire pistol that is disguised as a cell phone, although the upside is, if anyone gets shot by one, the NSA will know.

The Air Conditioner Sketch

The Summer Funtime Special was a smashing success last night. For those of you who couldn't be there, I offer the following sketch, one of my favorites from the show...

The Air Conditioner Sketch, by Dan McCoy

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

A husband and wife lounge on a couch, visibly overcome by
heat. The woman fans herself with a piece of paper.

WIFE
Honey, I think it's time to install the
air conditioner again.

HUSBAND
Aw, that's such a pain. Didn't we just
take it out?

WIFE
Yes, hon. Every year. C'mon, it's
supposed to get up to 90 by the end of
the week. We don't want to do it then.

The husband rises to EXIT.

HUSBAND
(while leaving)
I don't know why you wait for me. You
could put it in while I'm not here.

Speaking to him, off stage. While she speaks we HEAR
CRASHING NOISES as he digs around to unearth the air
conditioner, and grunts as he picks it up.

WIFE
Are you kidding? That thing weighs a
ton. Hurry up; this fan isn't cutting it
anymore.

The husband ENTERS carrying an air conditioner (a
cardboard box, made to look like a window unit.)

HUSBAND
All right, hold your horses. Now how
does this go in again?

He lifts the air conditionerup to the window.

`HUSBAND
So, I guess I just put this here...

WIFE
Just make sure this is level with the
sill...

HUSBAND
Oh, it wobbles a bit...

WIFE
You have to make the ridge fit in to the
top here...

HUSBAND
We need something to put in and make it
level...

WIFE
All that holds it is gravity -- make sure
it fits just right or else...

The air conditioner slips from their grasp and falls out
the window. They are horrified.

SFX: A LOUD CRASH!

They immediately duck out of sight beneath the window.

MAN DOWNSTAIRS (O.S.)
(screaming)
Oh my god! Oh god! Something fell on
me! It feels like... It is! It's an air
conditioner! Oh my sweet lord, it is
heavy and metal and sharp! Why?! In
addition my cranial damage, somehow the
blades of the fan inside have embedded
themselves in my genitals! What are the
odds of that happening?! Not good, I
wager!

HUSBAND
Jesus, honey, what did you do?

WIFE
Me? You were the one who let go of the
air conditioner.

HUSBAND
Well obviously you didn't have much of a
hold on it either!

WIFE
I was trying to straighten it.

HUSBAND
Straighten it into that guy's skull!

WIFE
I don't even know what that means!

MAN OUTSIDE (O.S.)
(loud moaning)

WIFE(O.S.)
Oh god, what are we going to do now?

HUSBAND
I'll tell you what we do. We sit tight,
and stay inside. That air conditioner
could've come from anywhere!

WIFE
Good plan.

They sit in silence for a long beat. The wife picks up
the fan and starts fanning herself again.

WIFE (CONT'D)
You know...
(stops herself, then)
You know, all that guilty panicking
really works up a sweat.

HUSBAND
Yeah.

WIFE
Do we still have our old air conditioner?

HUSBAND
Seriously?

She shrugs. He stares at her for a moment, then pushes
up from the couch.

HUSBAND (CONT'D)
Fine.

He EXITS, then RE-ENTERS with the air conditioner, and
climbs up to the window.

HUSBAND (CONT'D)
(muttering)
I can't believe I'm doing this. Now
let's see... The flaps should spread out
like this...

He drops the air conditioner out the window.

SFX: LOUD CRASH.

MAN OUTSIDE (O.S.)
Oh sweet lord almighty! A second air
conditioner has fallen on the first!
Such cruel redundancy! Has some
consignment of air conditioners fallen
from the poorly-latched cargo bay of a
plane flying above?! One might think
that the second air conditioner would
have hurt less than the first, as my body
has gone into shock and would thus not
register the pain! One would be wrong!
The second air conditioner has simply
driven the first one deeper into my body,
then it bounced off and injured the only
areas unaffected by my first mishap!

HUSBAND
What did you do?!

WIFE
Me?

HUSBAND
Oh, fine! Everything's my fault.

He STORMS OUT of the room.

WIFE
Where are you going?

HUSBAND (O.S.)
I'm getting that extra air conditioner
the landlord offered us when we moved in!

He RE-ENTERS, and immediately drops the air conditioner
out the window.

WIFE
What are you...?!

SFX: LOUD CRASH.

HUSBAND
(realizing)
Oh! I totally spaced.

MAN OUTSIDE
Heaven help me! Has nature seen fit to
rain down upon me not the sweet, gentle
summer rain, but an endless stream of
razor-sharp angles, and unforgiving
steel!?
Mayhap I have been chosen, like the
biblical Job, to suffer countless
sorrows, although were I to choose, I
would choose his open sores over this
never-ceasing torrent of heavy, heavy air
conditioners! I am in agony!

WIFE
Wow, that was really poetic -- especially
for a guy who was just hit by three air
conditioners!

OTHER MAN OUTSIDE (O.S.)
Hey! I saw that! Hey you in the window!

The husband ducks under the window sill.

OTHER MAN OUTSIDE (CONT'D)
Yeah, you can't hide! I saw you drop
that air conditioner on that guy!

The husband RUNS OUT of the room.

OTHER MAN OUTSIDE (CONT'D)
Hey you motherfucker, come out here!

The husband RUNS BACK IN with another air conditioner.
He climbs back up and throws it out the window.

SFX: LOUD CRASH.

OTHER MAN OUTSIDE (CONT'D)
(groans)

WIFE
Why did you do that?!

HUSBAND
He was a witness!

WIFE
You're insane! And where did you get a
fourth air conditioner, anyway?

HUSBAND
I took from a homeless guy.

WIFE
You stole an air conditioner from a
homeless guy?!

HUSBAND
What was he going to do with it anyway?
It's not like he has a home to cool!

WIFE
That's not the point! You...

SFX: SIRENS. They both freeze.

POLICEMAN (O.S.)
This is the police. We have you
surrounded. Come out with your hands up.

They look at each other for a moment, then...

HUSBAND
Air conditioners! Quick!

The wife runs offstage, then returns with an air
conditioner. She tosses it up to him, and he gets ready
to throw it at the police.

HUSBAND (CONT'D)
Eat freon, copper!

BLACKOUT.

ANNOUNCER
Two hours later...

The lights come up. Husband and wife sit peacefully on
the sofa. The air conditioner is perched above them.

WIFE
Thank god that our final air conditioner
fits snugly on top of that pile of dead
bodies and other air conditioners. Now
the apartment is nice and cool.

HUSBAND
And how!

They laugh loud and long, right into the...

BLACKOUT.

Tonight!

May 18
@ 7:15 - I will introduce two episodes of Captains in Space, Live!
@ 10:00 - The Summer Funtime Special - I co-wrote, and will appear in this all-new sketch show.

-see previous posts for further details-

Location (all shows):

The Gene Frankel Theater Underground
24 Bond Street (aka East 2nd St.)
In the East Village, on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette. In the basement theater. Take the 6 to Bleeker, B/D/F/V to Broadway Lafayette, or R to Prince.

Cost:

-$5 for 10 PM show ONLY.
-$10 for entire night of shows (including both of my shows, at 7:15 and 10 and everything in-between). Includes 1 free drink ticket.

Summer Funtime Update

Just a reminder that The Summer Funtime Special is this Thursday the 18th at 10 PM. We've made a slight casting adjustment-- Rick Murphy will not be appearing in the show (lay off the sauce, Rick!*). Instead, we're pleased to announced the addition of Jeremiah Murphy to the cast. We figure, what the heck? One Murphy's as good as another. We're also pleased to announce that our director will be Mr. War of the Worlds himself, the Hoskins to my Caine, Eric Zuckerman. Feel free to applaud.

The Summer Funtime Special

Starring: Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Stacy Mayer, Dan McCoy, and Jeremiah Murphy.

Written by: Matt Koff, Rob Bates, and Dan McCoy

Directed by: Erik Zuckerman

The Gene Frankel Theater Underground 24 Bond Street (AKA East 2nd St.)
It's on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, in the basement space.
$5 for the 10 PM show, or you can see the whole MC2 Thursday line up for $10 (includes a drink ticket). Making things bold is fun.

It's the only show you'll see this year whose title is an anagram of "Fiancee sperm multi sum." That has to count for something!

*This is, of course, a joke. Mr. Rick Murphy is a fine human being, who could not appear in the show for scheduling reasons, and not because of any substance abuse problems, although he's totally a falling-down lush, and you can tell him I said that.**

**Libel suit, here I come!

Dead Joke Office

More orphaned jokes:

According to Census Bureau estimates, Hispanics remain America's fastest-growing minority group, but most of their population increase comes from births here, rather than immigration. In response, the Minutmen have set up fences around Hispanic women's vaginas.

According to a new report, abuse of prescription and over-the-counter drugs is sending more people to emergency rooms than cocaine-- whereas cocaine is sending more people to The White House.

Squirrel monkeys at the London Zoo have been snatching cell phones from visitors as they stroll through their barrier-free enclosure. Even worse, they've shown no respect for the concept of peak minutes.

The Bowery Bay Boys of Queens, New York won the "Operators Challenge," which is also known as the Olympics of Sewage Treatment—although, in a larger sense, isn't everyone who competed a loser?

Cory Booker, a former city councilman and a 37 year-old former Rhodes scholar, was elected Newark, New Jersey's first new mayor in two decades by a landslide, mainly because he was the first Rhodes scholar willing to stay in New Jersey.

Of the nation's major telecommunications companies, only Qwest declined to provide the NSA with phone call records of their clients. They also declined to provide their "Q" with a U.

Simon Cowell has hired Regis Philbin to host his new show for NBC called "America's Got Talent," in which singers, dancers, and comics compete for 1 million dollars, proving that America's new favorite type of entertainment, is what used to be avoided on the last night of summer camp.

Heinz Stucke, a German who has been riding his bike around the world for 44 years, faced a major set-back when his bike was stolen in England. Stucke vows that if he finds the thief, he will kick him to death using his tremendous thighs.

Richie Sambora is denying rumors that he cheated on wife Heather Locklear saying, "I remained faithful during my marriage. And I defy anyone to refute that." Experts are reportedly surprised, saying, "Did Richie Sambora just correctly use the word 'refute'?"

Captains Live Tonight!

Just a reminder, the second installment of our "Captains LIVE!" Big Bang/ Manhattan Comedy Collective showings is tonight. The episodes will be there every Thursday this month, but this may be the last time both Fed and I will be on hand to introduce them.

Captains in Space
Thursday, May 11 (tonight) at 7:15 PM
The Gene Frankel Theater Underground
24 Bond Street (aka East 2nd St.)
In the East Village, on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, in the basement theater. Take the 6 to Bleeker, B/D/F/V to Broadway Lafayette, or R to Prince.

The ticket price is $10, but that entitles you to stay for the whole night of shows and gets you one free beer. Also, if you show up at 7, I think there may be a discount-- but don't quote me on that.

In related news, Captain Fed has a MySpace page. I don't know how he's able to access the internet from deep space-- perhaps the OTTO-5 comes equipped with super-powerful wi-fi. Odder still is the way he's able to access early 21st century webpages from the year 2089, but perhaps he's using one of those OhForChrissakeItsJustABit devices. They're pretty versatile.

Oh, that reminds me: if we ever make a spin-off show, it should be called Captains in MYSPACE!

HahahaHaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHaHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHHaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHaha
haHaHAHAHAHAHAHHa
hahaHaHAHAHAHAHAHHahahaHaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHa
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHHahaha
HaHAHAHAHAHAHHahahaHaHAHAHAHAHAHHahahaHaHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHHaHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHA
HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHHahahaHaHAHAHAHAHAHHahahaHaHAHAHAHAHA
HHahahaHaHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHHaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHahahaHa
HAHAHAHAHAHHahahaHaHAHAHAHA
HAH!!!!

>sniff< I should get paid for this stuff.

Two New Shows in May

I will be taking part in a one-time-only sketch event on May 18, at 10 PM, titled, "The Summer Funtime Special," produced by The Manhattan Comedy Collective and Matt Koff. The blurb on the MC2 website has this to say:

"Barbecues, bikinis, beachballs, and blockbusters. Finally, a sketch show that celebrates what Time Magazine calls 'The World's Hottest Season.'

Starring Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Stacy Mayer, Dan McCoy, and Rick Murphy. With special guests and other surprises!"

The show will be written by Matt, Rob, and myself, and you can see it at:

The Gene Frankel Theater Underground
24 Bond Street (AKA East 2nd St.)
It's on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, in the basement space.
$5 for the 10 PM show, or you can see the whole MC2 Thursday line up for $10 (includes a drink ticket).

More news as events warrant.*

Also: good news for fans of my periodic contributions to Andres du Bouchet's always extremely funny Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game-- one of my bits will be included on the May 23rd show (only writing-- I won't be performing).

In case you've forgotten, Giant Tuesday Night is at:

Rififi/ Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street
between 1st and 2nd Avenues
The show is FREE (w/ a one drink minimum)

*Read, "when we figure out who the special guests are."

Dead Joke Office

Yet again, some of my monologue-style-comedy-jokes (Ooh! Comedy jokes! My favorite kind!) that were not deemed funny enough for mass broadcast. Oh well. I liked them.

--

The Center for Media and Public Affairs said that late-night comics have been doing more jokes on President Bush this year than in previous years, which is odd, because the longer he's in office, the less funny he is.

In an interview with Vanity Fair, it was revealed that Dick Cheney travels with a chemical-biological suit at all times, although he only wears it to holocaust memorials.

A New Jersey couple on Wednesday gave birth to a second set of triplets. Their names are "Jack," "Jerry," and, "Oh-My-God-Not-Another-One."

A convicted killer being put to death by lethal injection in Ohio, stunned witnesses to the execution on Tuesday when he sat up in the death chamber and said, "It's not working." Dude, that's the sort of thing you totally don't want to draw attention to.

Next week, ABC will broadcast a TV movie called "Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America," from the people who brought you, "Hey, What if Mountain Lions Broke Into People's Homes? That Would Kill a Bunch of People, Huh?"

According to a new study, New York City this year ranks number 11 on a list of the country's top 100 "allergy capitals," which is much higher than its ranking last year at number 88. Look out-- we're right behind you, Cat Dander, Vermont!

Over 3,700 mothers gathered in Manila on Thursday to break the world record for breastfeeding, and also the record for creepy guys loitering while pretending to read newspapers.

German Catholic leaders began legal proceedings on Tuesday to prevent MTV from broadcasting a new series called "Popetown," which depicts the Pope as a pogo-stick riding maniac, instead of a man in a funny hat who rides around in a tall glass car.

TV Land has announced plans for a new reality series called "I Pity the Fool," in which Mr. T travels the country dispensing inspiration and advice-- and, when necessary, pitying fools.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Captains in Space, "The Theatrical Version"

Hey, are you a fan of watching things that are meant to be seen on a very small screen blown up to several times their intended size, with all the loss in resolution that entails?

Who isn't?! But it's such a pain to set up your projection TV to play on an IMAX screen. Not to mention the cost and labor of building an IMAX screen. So, instead, why don't you come see the first theatrical showing of our video podcast, as part of May's "Big Bang" at the Manhattan Comedy Collective.

Yes, that's right-- we'll be screening a rotating program of two of our Captains in Space shorts, every Thursday in May, at 7:15 PM, at The Gene Frankel Theater Underground at 24 Bond Street (East 2nd St.) in the East Village. It's on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, in the basement theater, where the 8 x 10 foot screen is sure to be kind to our non-professional blue-screen effects!

Unless I've been misguided, the ticket price is $7, but if you pay for one show, you're entitled to stay for the whole night of shows. And the entry fee includes one drink ticket. Not too shabby.

And here's a bonus, on at least the 4th and 11th of May (and possibly on the 18th and 24th, too), the shorts will be introduced by Captain Fed himself (Federico Hatoum) as well as Captains writer Dan McCoy (me). So come on, nerds-- this is time for you to get all your Captains in Space merchandise signed, or confront us about episode three, in which the captains yell so hard that the echoes travel through space, even though deep space is soundless.

In other news, if you haven't seen this video, by Giant Tuesday Night host Andres du Bouchet, you should check it out. I had absolutely nothing to do with it, but I think it's funny, and thus am pointing you that way. If you look close, you can see a cameo by Ritch Duncan, my old editor at Jest Magazine. He's a hell of a thespian, that one.

Oh, and keep the 18th at 10 PM open. I can't tell you why, yet. Just save the date. And, while you're at it, go get me a sandwich.

Captains in Space, Episode Three ONLINE!

"Double," the third exciting episode of Captains in Space is online now. Written by the estimable Devon T. Coleman, and starring the usual gang of Fed Hatoum, Adam Walden, and Vedette Lim, this may be the best episode of Captains yet. It's certainly the shortest, which is a real boon for those with more important things to do with their lives than watch comedy on the Internet. How I hate those people.

Devon gives Vedette/ Frankie some valuable acting notes.

As always, our director and editor, Fed, has gone to great lengths to make sure the show looks as good as possible, despite our budget of a Canadian penny, a gnarled bit of wire, and a kick in the groin. And, as always, the best way to view the episode is to download it or watch it via a video iPod (subscribe via iTunes here), but if you're technophobic you can always just click on the YouTube version below.

Quick Update

The release of Captains in Space episode three has been slightly delayed, due to some effects tweaking, but it should be available for download tomorrow.

In the meantime, if you want an Internet comedy video fix, may I direct you over to Rob Bates' blog, where you can find a link to the very funny short "Asshole Actor." I had nothing to do with its production, I just post it here because I've worked with all the folks involved, and I like them and it.

Have a nice Friday. But try and cut down on your drinking, huh? I'm worried about you.