McSweeney's
McSweeney's
McSweeney's
MAD Magazine (Dave Eggers guest editor)
McSweeney's
Showing posts with label McSweeney's. Show all posts
Showing posts with label McSweeney's. Show all posts
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
McSweeney's Quarterly Back Issue Order Form
The second in my "archiving old Jest humor pieces series" is perhaps my favorite thing I wrote for that magazine. It's the piece that got me blogged in New Yorkish; the piece that made future fellow-Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You writer Amanda Melson sit up and say, "Who is this Dan McCoy?" and the piece that, when I pressed it into his hands, made former McSweeney's writer Neal Pollack look nonplussed and say, "Yeah, there have been a bunch of McSweeney's parodies."
Ye mighty, gaze upon the...
Issue 1
To purchase, please go to a McSweeney’s 100 bookstore near you (a list of participating independent retailers may be found online at Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency). Conversely, you may order a copy online at the aforementioned web site, or send $21.95 to the address listed in the endnotes.
Issue 2
Issue two has been engraved on card stock, and can be assembled to create scale models, which depict the houses of the authors whose stories may be found within. As the construction of these models is fairly complex, Dave Eggers requests that those wishing to buy issue two write him a personal note, and he will mail them a copy, complete with detailed instructions.
Issue 3
The third issue was printed entirely on strips of hickory bark, and published in limited numbers. Act soon. Supplies are limited, owing to a particularly cold winter.
Issue 4
The stories included in issue four are meant to be read while listening to a specially commissioned composition for piano, by Philip Glass, the sheet music for which can be found printed on the inner binding. As the piece demands several difficult fingerings, Mr. Glass insists that he perform it himself. Co-ordinating your schedule with that of Mr. Glass is solely your concern, as is any remuneration he may require.
The only existing copy of issue five has been mailed to J.D. Salinger. We encourage those of you who enjoy a challenge to obtain it from him.
Issue 6
On the coldest night of the year, stand at a crossroads. When the moon just hits the crest of the horizon, put shovel to dirt. At a depth of six spans, less one ell, find an earthen vessel. Smash it quick, and from the shards draw seven splinters, bearing four consonants and three vowels. These letters are a surname, to be confirmed by careful study of the county’s records of birth. If you have followed these directions true, the name shall be revealed to you. The disclosed man is a dwarf. Issue six has been tattooed on his torso. Should you wish to revisit the stories from issue six at a later date, the aforementioned gentleman allows readers to take Polaroids, but color copies are expressly forbidden.
Issue 7
Go to the lake isle of Innisfree. Sit on its shores. As the season turns, the wind will whisper issue seven into your ears.
Issue 8
Sit on the fire escape directly across from the McSweeney’s offices on August the 12th, at precisely 8:47 PM. Employing a Nikon camera, equipped with a telephoto lens and high-speed film, take pictures of Rick Moody, Nick Hornby, and Sarah Vowell engaged in an amorous clinch. Blow up the incriminating snaps on 8 1/2 by 11 photo paper, and enclose them in a manila envelope. Compose a threatening epistle, by cutting brightly colored individual letters from popular magazines and assembling them as appropriate. Send the photographs and the letter to us via personal messenger. In return, we will send you issue eight, in a series of plain brown wrappers, bearing non-consecutive serial numbers.
Issue Q
There is no issue Q.*
Issue 9
Lead a blameless life. When you die, ascend to heaven, where all the wondrous majesty of issue nine will be made known to you. (Special bonus: Issue nine includes an essay by David Foster Wallace, about ice cream.)
*At least, in this dimension.
Ye mighty, gaze upon the...
M c S W E E N E Y ’ S Q U A R T E R L Y
B A C K I S S U E O R D E R F O R M .
B A C K I S S U E O R D E R F O R M .
----
HOW TO OBTAIN COPIES.
Issue 1
To purchase, please go to a McSweeney’s 100 bookstore near you (a list of participating independent retailers may be found online at Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency). Conversely, you may order a copy online at the aforementioned web site, or send $21.95 to the address listed in the endnotes.
----
Issue 2
Issue two has been engraved on card stock, and can be assembled to create scale models, which depict the houses of the authors whose stories may be found within. As the construction of these models is fairly complex, Dave Eggers requests that those wishing to buy issue two write him a personal note, and he will mail them a copy, complete with detailed instructions.
----
Issue 3
The third issue was printed entirely on strips of hickory bark, and published in limited numbers. Act soon. Supplies are limited, owing to a particularly cold winter.
----
Issue 4
The stories included in issue four are meant to be read while listening to a specially commissioned composition for piano, by Philip Glass, the sheet music for which can be found printed on the inner binding. As the piece demands several difficult fingerings, Mr. Glass insists that he perform it himself. Co-ordinating your schedule with that of Mr. Glass is solely your concern, as is any remuneration he may require.
----
Issue 5The only existing copy of issue five has been mailed to J.D. Salinger. We encourage those of you who enjoy a challenge to obtain it from him.
----
Issue 6
On the coldest night of the year, stand at a crossroads. When the moon just hits the crest of the horizon, put shovel to dirt. At a depth of six spans, less one ell, find an earthen vessel. Smash it quick, and from the shards draw seven splinters, bearing four consonants and three vowels. These letters are a surname, to be confirmed by careful study of the county’s records of birth. If you have followed these directions true, the name shall be revealed to you. The disclosed man is a dwarf. Issue six has been tattooed on his torso. Should you wish to revisit the stories from issue six at a later date, the aforementioned gentleman allows readers to take Polaroids, but color copies are expressly forbidden.
----
Issue 7
Go to the lake isle of Innisfree. Sit on its shores. As the season turns, the wind will whisper issue seven into your ears.
----
Issue 8
Sit on the fire escape directly across from the McSweeney’s offices on August the 12th, at precisely 8:47 PM. Employing a Nikon camera, equipped with a telephoto lens and high-speed film, take pictures of Rick Moody, Nick Hornby, and Sarah Vowell engaged in an amorous clinch. Blow up the incriminating snaps on 8 1/2 by 11 photo paper, and enclose them in a manila envelope. Compose a threatening epistle, by cutting brightly colored individual letters from popular magazines and assembling them as appropriate. Send the photographs and the letter to us via personal messenger. In return, we will send you issue eight, in a series of plain brown wrappers, bearing non-consecutive serial numbers.
----
Issue Q
There is no issue Q.*
----
Issue 9
Lead a blameless life. When you die, ascend to heaven, where all the wondrous majesty of issue nine will be made known to you. (Special bonus: Issue nine includes an essay by David Foster Wallace, about ice cream.)
*At least, in this dimension.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Sara Schaefer Recap Fun
Friday's Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You was one of the best yet, with great office sketches, and an extremely candid interview with Neal Pollack (he even talked about this stuff).
The sketches involved our efforts to start an office newsletter; our break into factions, and the newsletter wars that resulted (with many of us talking in old-timey newspaper voices for no good reason); and the ever-more-absurd competing publications that resulted. We also did mock-ups of the newsletters' covers to project on the back screen during the scenes, and I thought you might enjoy seeing some of those visuals. Here are the two that I put together (the others were done by Sara).
Ah, the hilarity of me in boxers.
Also: Neal Pollack was a great sport, especially when it came to poking fun at himself. He even appeared in the final beat of our office sketches. He was such a good sport that it's worth recapping in full:
After his interview he went backstage with Sara, and an announcer (me) explained that "...they came upon a horrific scene. The office newsletter conflict that had begun 2 sketches ago had erupted into a full-blown war." Through a series of events that would take too long to explain, Sara managed to bring the office back together by singing "Diff'rent Strokes." However, just at the end of the bridge, Neal Pollack came out to release a dove into the air, in a gesture of peace. Unfortunately, the dove is dead and simply falls to the floor. At this point, it's best to just let the script tell the story...
SARA
Oh great, Neal Pollack, way to go. I suppose you'regoing to blame that one on your persona?
EVERYONE
[joining in]
Yeah, good one Neal Pollack! You’re horrible! Neal Pollack is a jerk! Your uin everything! Never mind the Pollacks indeed, sir!
[Just then a voice comes over the PA]
VOICE OF DAVE EGGERS
Hey! Everybody! Calm down.
EVERYONE
Who are you?
DAVE EGGERS
I’m Dave Eggers.
[Everyone gasps]
I just bought this theater to add to my finely honed empire of whimsy. Anyway, you guys, look at yourselves. We need to stop tearing each other down – and come together! Sure, sometimes we get into media wars with people we love and respect, people we owe most of our success to, and sometimes we get into fights with Neal Pollack.
NEAL:
Thanks a lot Eggers!
EGGERS:
That was more whimsy, Neal! Do I need to remind you that I teach children to read?
NEAL:
No, no. (sigh)
EGGERS:
Listen kids, don't let an office newsletter divide you, certainly not when it's printed on such poor quality paper!
NEAL:
He's right, you know.
EGGERS:
Thanks Neal, you're not so bad yourself...
Because it takes, Diff'rent Strokes to move the world. Yes it does. It takes, Diff'rent Strokes to move the world.
SARA:
Dave Eggers is the best!
EVERYONE
[as they exit]
Yay! Eggers rules! I loved “A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius”! I'm going to go buy that book of his that you can't buy in stores!
[Neal Pollack is left alone on stage, with a spotlight on him. The sad music from the end of the Incredible Hulk comes on. He turns, picks up a knapsack, and walks off slowly, pretends to hitchhike. The lights slowly fade to black.]
Ah, poignant and hilarious-- great stuff from Sara and Amanda, who had the biggest hand in writing the final beat (I worked most on the second part... which also went off really well, but I'm not posting the whole show for you suckers. Come to the theater and pay for a ticket).
The sketches involved our efforts to start an office newsletter; our break into factions, and the newsletter wars that resulted (with many of us talking in old-timey newspaper voices for no good reason); and the ever-more-absurd competing publications that resulted. We also did mock-ups of the newsletters' covers to project on the back screen during the scenes, and I thought you might enjoy seeing some of those visuals. Here are the two that I put together (the others were done by Sara).
Ah, the hilarity of me in boxers.
Also: Neal Pollack was a great sport, especially when it came to poking fun at himself. He even appeared in the final beat of our office sketches. He was such a good sport that it's worth recapping in full:
After his interview he went backstage with Sara, and an announcer (me) explained that "...they came upon a horrific scene. The office newsletter conflict that had begun 2 sketches ago had erupted into a full-blown war." Through a series of events that would take too long to explain, Sara managed to bring the office back together by singing "Diff'rent Strokes." However, just at the end of the bridge, Neal Pollack came out to release a dove into the air, in a gesture of peace. Unfortunately, the dove is dead and simply falls to the floor. At this point, it's best to just let the script tell the story...
SARA
Oh great, Neal Pollack, way to go. I suppose you'regoing to blame that one on your persona?
EVERYONE
[joining in]
Yeah, good one Neal Pollack! You’re horrible! Neal Pollack is a jerk! Your uin everything! Never mind the Pollacks indeed, sir!
[Just then a voice comes over the PA]
VOICE OF DAVE EGGERS
Hey! Everybody! Calm down.
EVERYONE
Who are you?
DAVE EGGERS
I’m Dave Eggers.
[Everyone gasps]
I just bought this theater to add to my finely honed empire of whimsy. Anyway, you guys, look at yourselves. We need to stop tearing each other down – and come together! Sure, sometimes we get into media wars with people we love and respect, people we owe most of our success to, and sometimes we get into fights with Neal Pollack.
NEAL:
Thanks a lot Eggers!
EGGERS:
That was more whimsy, Neal! Do I need to remind you that I teach children to read?
NEAL:
No, no. (sigh)
EGGERS:
Listen kids, don't let an office newsletter divide you, certainly not when it's printed on such poor quality paper!
NEAL:
He's right, you know.
EGGERS:
Thanks Neal, you're not so bad yourself...
Because it takes, Diff'rent Strokes to move the world. Yes it does. It takes, Diff'rent Strokes to move the world.
SARA:
Dave Eggers is the best!
EVERYONE
[as they exit]
Yay! Eggers rules! I loved “A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius”! I'm going to go buy that book of his that you can't buy in stores!
[Neal Pollack is left alone on stage, with a spotlight on him. The sad music from the end of the Incredible Hulk comes on. He turns, picks up a knapsack, and walks off slowly, pretends to hitchhike. The lights slowly fade to black.]
Ah, poignant and hilarious-- great stuff from Sara and Amanda, who had the biggest hand in writing the final beat (I worked most on the second part... which also went off really well, but I'm not posting the whole show for you suckers. Come to the theater and pay for a ticket).
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With NEAL POLLACK this Friday the 29th!
That's right, at this week's Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, Sara will be interviewing the most important American author himself, Neal Pollack (former McSweeney's contributor, and the author of The Neal Pollack Anthology of American Literature and Never Mind the Pollacks). He's sure to delight and amuse with his metafictional hijinx.
The musical guest will be The Last Town Chorus, a lap steel and acoustic guitar duo, with a singer who's been favorably compared to Gillian Welch and Rickie Lee Jones. You can sample their music here. And, as always, you can expect a special Law and Order guest, plus our usual office shenanigans. Last week we broke into an unexpected, highly choreographed, Bollywood dance number. Who knows what might happen this week?
The show is this Friday the 29th at 8 PM, at Juvie Hall . Tickets are $8., and they can be purchased here, via Juvie Hall, or at the door-- but be aware, we do sell out.
You want critical acclaim? Check it:
"A compelling, funny take on the boxed-in conventions of both television and office work."
- The Onion "
Much more fun than anything you'd catch on basic cable."
- Amelia David, Backstage
A TimeOut New York Critic's Pick; Emerging Comics of New York Award Winner; Featured on the New York Post Hot List; more praise here.
The musical guest will be The Last Town Chorus, a lap steel and acoustic guitar duo, with a singer who's been favorably compared to Gillian Welch and Rickie Lee Jones. You can sample their music here. And, as always, you can expect a special Law and Order guest, plus our usual office shenanigans. Last week we broke into an unexpected, highly choreographed, Bollywood dance number. Who knows what might happen this week?
The show is this Friday the 29th at 8 PM, at Juvie Hall . Tickets are $8., and they can be purchased here, via Juvie Hall, or at the door-- but be aware, we do sell out.
You want critical acclaim? Check it:
"A compelling, funny take on the boxed-in conventions of both television and office work."
- The Onion "
Much more fun than anything you'd catch on basic cable."
- Amelia David, Backstage
A TimeOut New York Critic's Pick; Emerging Comics of New York Award Winner; Featured on the New York Post Hot List; more praise here.
Monday, July 11, 2005
Late Breaking News...
We've just added another Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You in July, because we've snagged a guest too good to pass up...
Neil Pollack (literary star, McSweeney's contributor, and author of such books as The Neil Pollack Anthology of American Literature, and Never Mind the Pollacks) will be joining us on Friday the 29th at 8 PM, at Juvie Hall theater, for assorted varieties of fun and general hilarity.
And as long as we're on the subject of McSweeney's, you might enjoy this old humor piece from Jest Magazine, in which I poke gentle fun at that publication. Back when it came out, it got me blogged in New Yorkish.
Neil Pollack (literary star, McSweeney's contributor, and author of such books as The Neil Pollack Anthology of American Literature, and Never Mind the Pollacks) will be joining us on Friday the 29th at 8 PM, at Juvie Hall theater, for assorted varieties of fun and general hilarity.
And as long as we're on the subject of McSweeney's, you might enjoy this old humor piece from Jest Magazine, in which I poke gentle fun at that publication. Back when it came out, it got me blogged in New Yorkish.
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