Happy Inauguration

So I applied for a job freelancing for the ONN a while back. I didn't get it (although my friend Matt Koff did, so congratulations to him), but there were a few pitches I was pleased with (despite me having to write my entire packet in the weekend directly preceding Christmas and traveling home to Illinois). Anyway, one of them was inauguration-related, so I thought I'd post it here, since the joke will be out-of-date hereafter:

Lost MLK Speech: "I Have a Dream My Birthday Not be Overshadowed by Inauguration of First Black President."

I am HILARIOUS.

Anyway, speaking of the inauguration, I think people are being a little hard on former president Bush, so I'd like to take a moment to offer this positive message to George: Mr. President, if you prefer, you can go ahead and let the door hit you on the the ass on your way out.

Okay, that's all I've got.

The Flop House on TruTv.com

Hey, check it out -- we got interviewed over at the TruTv.com blog (you may remember it back when it was called Court TV) about The Flop House, the bad movie podcast that's taking the world by storm. Or, at least, the basic cable website parts of the world.

Congratulations, Sara

I've known this for a while, but now that it's been blogged, I feel like I don't need to sit on my public congratulations any longer. Congrats to Sara Schaefer, my longtime friend and occasional colleague, on her awesome new job as head writer for Late Night With Jimmy Fallon's website. Good work, Sara. You're the best... around. (karate montage)














Sara dances her way into Jimmy Fallon's heart.

Show TONIGHT!

Mr. Whitepants' Comedy Hour
a sketch show
@ The Magnet Theater
254 W. 29th Street, NY, NY
8 PM, $5

Come on down for some sketch comedy and cheap beer!

The Flop House Episode #29 is ONLINE!

After a holiday break, we ease into 2009 with the dance film Step Up 2: The Streets, about a girl who's a maniac, maniac on the floor. Will she dance like she's never danced before? Almost certainly. Meanwhile Stuart explains the role of texting in film titles nowadays, Elliott runs the gamut of comedy sound effects, and Dan issues a challenge to America's tweens.

0:00 - 0:31 - Introduction and theme
0:32 - 2:00 - We reintroduce ourselves, after our long winter's nap.
2:01 - 33:51- In the long tradition of dance films, this is one of them.
33:52 - 36:40 - Final judgments
36:41 - 43:25 - Letters from listeners.
43:26 - 54:33 - The sad bastards recommend, New Year's special - our top five films of the year.
54:34 - 55:50 - Goodbyes, theme, and outtakes

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Wikipedia synopsis of Step Up 2: The Streets

The Fruitwastersons

I had nothing to do with the production of this video, but it stars Rob Morrison (as the son) and was written by and stars Matt Koff (as the father) who are two of the writer/ performers behind Mr. Whitepants Comedy Hour, the sketch show I'm doing this Sunday at the Magnet Theater.

So think of this as an unofficial promo for the show, if you like. Otherwise, just enjoy the FRUITS of my friend Matt's labor.*



*I don't like myself, either.

By Me, Second Officer Guido Tomas!

The Flop House Movie Minute #18 - Misfit Toys

Christmas specials under the microscope.

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The music you hear in this episode is Hark the Herald Angels sing, as performed by Doug Hammer on the album Noel, courtesy of Feels Like Christmas, which provides free Christmas music for personal and nonprofit use.

The Flop House Episode Twenty-Eight is ONLINE!

How can a movie centered around a lisping, fright-wigged Dustin Hoffman possibly go wrong? Anything's possible in Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium! Meanwhile, Dan busts out another one of his 101 voices, Stuart uncovers the lost, obscene Mark Knopfler album, and Elliott reveals the rampant incompetence of medical droids.

0:00 - 0:34 - Introduction and theme.
0:35 - 5:04 - We spend the first five minutes talking about a movie about toys that WASN'T the one we watched, released more than a decade ago.
5:05 - 11:14 - We make a brief feint at discussing Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, but quickly get sidetracked by talk of Willy Wonka and old-time character actors.
11:15 - 35:41 - We finally manage to focus on the topic at hand, the horrifying tale of a sentient toy store and its insane inhabitants. What's that? It's a kids' film? ...You sure?
35:42 - 40:05 - Final judgments.
40:06 - 44:10 - Copyright infringement, listener mail, and discussion of nude Lea Thompson.
44:11 - 46:34 - The MOST IMPORTANT SEGMENT EVER.
46:35 - 54:38 - The sad bastards recommend.
54:39 - 58:30 - Goodbyes, outtakes, and theme.

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**CORRECTION: As perhaps the whitest man alive, Elliott can be forgiven for not knowing that In Living Color aired on Fox, and not on MTV, as he stated in this episode.









Wikipedia synopsis of Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

The Flop House Movie Minute #17 - Twisted Trailers 2: Two Shades of Blue

More trailers for the biggest winter releases.

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Once You Go Bat

Hey, my friend Frank Lesser directed and co-wrote (with one of his Colbert Report writer brethren, Mike Brumm) this comedic short. It stars Ben Rodgers and the lovely Sue Galloway who I was privileged to do a few shows with, back in the day (nowadays you might recognize her as the "girl writer" in the background of all the 30 Rock writers' room scenes).

Frank let me see the rough cut of this ahead of time, and it was fun seeing it come together from the earlier versions to this final one. Anyway, enjoy:

Is it Just Me?

Or is Donald Trump about to finger that steak?


















"Yeah, you like that, Steak? You like that? Yeah you do. When Trump finger-bangs a steak, it gets fingered reeeeal classy."

The Flop House Episode #27 is ONLINE!

It's the 27th episode, and we're discussing 27 Dresses. Coincidence? Yes. We're neither that clever nor that well-planned. But enjoy as our chick flick discussion leads us to make several lazy jokes based on gender stereotypes that we don't believe, because we are also hacks. Meanwhile, Stuart does his Josh Brolin impression, Elliott gives a fun fact about Japanese brides, and an innocent remark by Dan turns into a horrifying sexual come-on.

0:00 - 0:32 - Introduction and theme.
0:33 - 2:15 - Facial hair is much discussed.
2:16 - 32:22 - We talk about the Katherine Heigel rom-com 27 Dresses, and show our affinity for the material by staying on-topic almost never. Also: boobs.
32:23 - 36:30 - Final judgments, in which 27 Dresses manages to SHATTER the Flop House categories.
36:31 - 46:17 - The sad bastards recommend. Plus, we learn another famous person Elliott has had tangential interactions with. And also: even more boobs.
46:18 - 48:46 - November-December is Flop House listener pledge drive season - but you don't have to pay us in cash-- just recruit new listeners.
48:47 - 51:30 - We write the great lost sex comedy, "Lustache."
51:31 - 52:55 - Goodbyes, theme, outtakes, and a whole heck of a lot more boobs.

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Wikipedia synopsis of 27 Dresses

As promised, here are the photos of Stuart and his new mustache. Send us your opinions of who Stuart looks like to theflophousepodcast (at) gmail (dot) com.















The glare from Stu's mustache is enough that even he must squint.



















Stuart is the thoughtful king of bad movies, adjudicating like Solomon of old.

Final "You, Your World, and You" Post

I just realized that I hadn't posted the last couple of sketches I wrote for our political sketch show at The Magnet. So here they are. And a bonus-- the second one was never produced! (Because someone else wrote a much funnier hologram sketch.) So you're getting a peek behind the scenes. Aren't you special?*

Newsdesk McCain Announcement

DAN
And now, here with an important announcement is former presidential candidate, Senator John McCain.

MCCAIN
Thank you Dan. Jon. I’m glad to be here. My friends, we face the greatest crisis in recorded history, and if we don’t take decisive action, we may face grave consequences for the next four—perhaps even eight—years. That’s why I am suspending my campaign to rush to Washington and deal with the “me not being elected president” crisis.

DAN
Um… I’m sorry, Senator … that’s not suspending your campaign. You just lost.

MCCAIN
Gosh, Dan. I guess I just have a little more faith in America than you. I believe anything is possible—even my winning the election after everyone has called it for Obama, including me, in my concession speech. We can talk and talk about who had more “ballots” with whose “name” on them, but the fact remains that this is the worst me-not-being-elected crisis in nearly a century.

DAN
Nearly a century, huh? And before then?

MCCAIN
Before then I wasn’t born. You could argue that was nothing but one long, tragic period of me-not-being-elected-president, but I’m not here to talk semantics. I’m here to make sure that the failures of Wall Street don’t affect those on Camelback Street.

DAN
Camelback Street?

MCCAIN
That’s the street where I live. Or one of them. I have seven houses. At any rate, I appear to be the only one doing anything about this severe me-not-being-elected issue. We can’t put our heads in the sand people! If we continue to do nothing, I will continue to not be elected! That’s why I’m calling on my opponent, Barack Obama, to suspend his presidency, at least for now.

DAN
And then what?

MCCAIN
And then I will sneak into the White House late at night and lock the doors.

DAN
All right. Senator John McCain, everyone!

Wolf and the Holograms

WOLF BLITZER stands on stage. JESSICA YELLIN stands to his side.

WOLF BLITZER
Welcome back to election night on CNN; I’m Wolf Blitzer. And now for a special treat: it’s correspondent Jessica Yellin, beaming in as a hologram.

Wolf turns to face where he thinks Jessica is, but he’s off by a good 45 degrees.

WOLF
Jessica this is just amazing, it’s like you’re right here in the…

A STAGEHAND runs up on stage, and, placing his hands on Wolf’s shoulders, re-centers him so that he’s now facing her correctly.

WOLF
(starting over)
Jessica, this is just amazing, it’s like you’re right here in the studio. So, tell us about the election.

JESSICA
First, Wolf, let me tell you a little bit about this new technology. Remember the early 90’s when holograms were all over? On National Geographic covers, in museum gift shops, or fighting against evil cartoon band The Misfits?

WOLF
I certainly do. I still have the lunchbox. But the election…

JESSICA
In a second. Well, this technology is nothing like that. It’s more like the late 90’s when Matrix parodies were all over, and they simulated perspective by putting cameras in a circle around the subject. It has nothing to do with holograms at all.

WOLF
Fascinating. Do you have any poll results?

JESSICA
None whatsoever.

WOLF
None Jessica?

JESSICA
None Wolf. Oh! But I would like to remind the viewers at home to put on their 3D glasses… now!

Jessica suddenly RUNS to the front of the stage, then runs back, and then RUNS up again, sticking her arms into the audience in a faux-3D effect.

WOLF
Okay, well, Jessica, I hope you don’t mind if we turn away from you for a moment, and turn our attention to Hank Dodd, our political analyst, who is currently reporting from the CNN 9000 state-of-the-art IsolationTank. Such tanks have been known to re-center and focus your thoughts, so we’re looking forward to some trenchant analysis. Hank, can you hear me?

Jessica recedes to the back of the stage, staring at her hands, like a stoned person.

HANK ENTERS—split stage with Wolf and Hank both face-forward, talking.

HANK
Wolf? Hello?

WOLF
Yes hello?

HANK
Wolf?

WOLF
Hank, can you hear me?

HANK
(overlapping)
I can’t hear you Wolf

WOLF
(to stagehand)
I can’t… can we do something...?

HANK
Wolf, I’m just going to assume you’re talking to me, because I can’t hear you, because I’m in an isolation tank. It is dark and wet and lonely in here. I’m beginning to wonder whether I’m being punished for something.

WOLF
(to viewers)
Okay, I don’t think Hank can hear us, but we’re working on the problem.

HANK
If anyone’s listening, I don’t know if you’ve seen the movie Altered States, but if I turn into some sort of ape man or lava monster, please give my love to my wife.

WOLF
My producers are now telling me that breaching the isolation tank, to talk to him directly, would ruin the integrity of any tank insights. Personally, I feel actually being able to hear…

The Stagehand runs up and hands wolf a BUCKET, with a NOTE, which Wolf READS.

WOLF
Okay, I’ve just been handed what this note says is an “Isolation Helmet.” I assume that if I put this on, I will be able to contact Hank in the tank.

Wolf puts the bucket over his head.

WOLF
Hello, Hank?
(waving his arms)
I can’t see or hear anything. Hello?

HANK
(singing, sadly)
All by myself… Don’t wanna be… all by myself… anymore.

Wolf takes off the bucket.

WOLF
Well, obviously, that Isolation Helmet just isolated ME from everyone. Why…?

HANK
(interrupting)
Wolf, is today Election Day? I’ve lost all sense of time and space. But I have recovered some previously lost memories of my father.
(suddenly screaming)
NO DADDY! NO! I’LL BE GOOD, I PROMISE!

WOLF
Okay, let’s move on.

HANK EXITS

WOLF (cont’d)
Next we turn to our field reporter David Pierson. David?

DAVID (V.O.)
I’m here Wolf.

WOLF
Where… are you?

DAVID
(V.O.) I’m all around you. CNN downloaded my brain into millions of tiny nanobots.

WOLF
What are…?

DAVID (V.O.)
Tiny robots, Wolf. Nearly as small as an atom, with the power to self-replicate. I’m swarming around you right now—a microscopic, but deadly, hive mind.

WOLF
Deadly? Why deadly?

DAVID (V.O.)
Because I’m small enough to enter your bloodstream, Wolf. As a self-replicating robot, the nanobot part of me views you only as a potential source of raw materials. My human half is trying to convince myself not to eat you from the inside, but right now I’m more robot than man.

WOLF
Okay, for those just joining us, CNN has gone mad with power and have potentially doomed me in their insane quest for news innovation. Do you have any election information to report, David?

DAVID (V.O.)
I’m kinda busy trying to keep from killing you, Wolf.

WOLF
Could we get someone to take care of this nanobot problem before we all die?

The Stagehand runs in with a can of RAID and begins spraying it into the air. After a moment, he reacts as if he’s being bitten by thousands of tiny bugs, swatting at them. He then starts seizing up as if he’s being eaten from the inside.

Jessica reacts to the Stagehand’s convulsions as if it’s her cue, and she begins running back and forth to the audience again.

JESSICA
(yelling)
3-D!

DAVID (V.O.)
(eating noises)

Wolf looks at the total chaos around him, and then addresses someone in the booth.

WOLF
Okay, that’s it. I’ve had it up to here with the holograms, isolation helmets, and killer robots! I don’t need this! I have an awesome name and an awesome beard. CNN, fuck you. I quit.

WOLF LEAVES. The Stagehand COLLAPSES. Jessica RUNS OFF.

A beat.

DAVID (V.O.)
And now we turn to election analyst John King, who is frozen in carbonite.

BLACKOUT.

*answer: probably not

"Fruit Talk" With Dan & Ritch

Ritch's new status message - Honeydew melon is the scourge of the fruit salad.

me: And how.

Ritch: I had thought that citrus was the worst, but when they just layer the bottom with honeydew, then throw a kiwi, a few blueberry and a grape on top you're getting hosed.

me: You figure honeydew is a cheap crop?

I guess it has to be.

The way they throw it around.

Seems weird though, since all melons have to take up a lot of space.

Ritch: right

me: Honeydew is like someone soaked some Styrofoam in rose water.

Ritch: It's not bad, but I'm not buying a whole tub of it

now cataloupe, there's a difffernt story

me: That's your money melon.

Ritch: amen to that

The watermelon enjoys far too lofty a status.

me: Agreed.

It's just a lot of lightly sweetened liquid in a marginal melon shell.

And everyone's so excited about it, in the summer.

Plus: too big.

Never seen any picnic go through an entire melon.

Let's get on that, science.

Ritch: All very true

the big sell on watermelon- "lets carve a hole in it and pour vodka in it!"

me: Yeah.

And really, couldn't you do that with nearly anything?

I know it works with me.

Ritch: That's throwing good after bad, that's what that is

me: Sans carving the hole.

I come pre-holed.

Everything-- improved by vodka!

Ritch: There's your memoir:

"Dan McCoy: Preholed"

Mango is pretty good

it never really gets involved in the whole melon debate

and I know, it might not technically be a melon, but it deserves discussion in that family

me: Oh, man.

A mango?

Fantastic.

Ritch: It beats the pants off watermelon, that's for sure.

You ever hear of watermelon salsa?

Hell no.

Watermelon chutney?

Never

People act like watermelon is great by adding the word "fresh"

WOW- fresh watermelon?

That's the only way to eat it.

And, it tastes like water, and is a borderline racial epithet

me: Yeah, fuck that melon.

(not literally)

Ritch: It might be pretty good for that, actually.

I mean, melonwise.

Actually, that might be where the honeydew comes back into play

me: This has been "Fruit Talk" with Dan and Ritch.

Ritch: I like it

Tune in tomorrow for "Cherries: Why don't we eat them more?"

me: The answer may surprise you.

The Flop House Movie Minute #16 - Missed Connections

We present this alternate, much shorter, version of the Al Pacino film 88 Minutes.

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The Flop House Episode #26 is ONLINE!

It's a new day in America, and what better way to celebrate the first African-American president than with Al Pacino's thriller 88 Minutes? What, you don't understand why that's appropriate? Maybe that's because you're racist. Meanwhile, Dan makes a baldfaced plea for sponsorship, Elliott proves his facility with numbers (as long as they're in the titles of movies), and the ghost of Stuart looms large over the episode.

0:00 - 0:30 - Introduction and theme.
0:31 - 5:02 - We explain why we're the dynamic duo this week, and talk about how much we miss Stuart. Also: we engage in the name-droppiest name dropping yet, as Elliott tells the story of the time he met PRESIDENT ELECT BARACK OBAMA.
5:03 - 32:52 - We talk about 88 Minutes, the movie that is a worse example of real-time filmmaking than Nick of Time, and a far worse example of post-mortem semen-swapping than Presumed Innocent.
32:53 - 37:25 - Final judgments, plus a brief side-track into dream analysis.
37:26 - 45:43 - The sad bastards recommend.
45:43 - 46:32 - We talk about Stuart some more. Jeez! Why don't us guys get a room, already!
46:33 - 49:03 - Goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

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Wikipedia synopsis of 88 Minutes

POLITICS!

In honor of Election Day, here's a rerun of the politically themed Captains in Space webisode, "The Venusian Candidate."



And for more vaguely political nonsense, click HERE.

More Sketches

Some scripts from You, Your World, and You-- the politically themed sketch show I co-write and perform in-- just in time for Election Day! Oh, and your last chance to see the show is this November the 9th at 8:30, at the Magnet Theater.

FOUR DEMOCRATS WAIT FOR ELECTION DAY

ANNOUNCER

And now, Shameful Display presents: Four Democrats Wait for Election Day.

LIGHTS UP on FOUR DEMOCRATS. PAUL stands, pacing back and forth, while SUE checks a computer. GROVER sits center stage, rocking in a chair, in a near-fetal position. LARS sits with his back to the audience, holding his hands on his head.

Lars sits in such a way as to obscure the fact that the actor’s head is hidden beneath his jacket, and what seems to be his head is an INFLATED BALLOON in a WIG.

GROVER

He’s gonna fuck it up. He’s gonna fuck it up. He’s gonna fuck it up. He’s gonna fuck it up. I don’t know how, but somehow he’s gonna fuck it up…

PAUL

Shut up, Grover. Obama is not going to lose this election… Is he?

SUE

I dunno… The latest Gallup poll has McCain gaining half a point in Virginia.

PAUL

Half a point!?

(punches Sue)

In Virginia!?

(punches Sue again)

I can’t take this! How long ‘til Election Day?

SUE

26 hours, sixteen minutes, and 36 seconds!

PAUL

GAAH! I’m going crazy! Why didn’t you let me build that time machine, and leap into the future to make sure that Obama wins the election, like I wanted?!

SUE

We’ve been over this! We don’t know the ramifications of such time travel! What if Obama winning is contingent on you not knowing he wins? And thus, the very act of you observing him winning the election prevents him from winning? It’s elementary butterfly effect, Paul!

They both look at Grover and notice that he’s methodically drawing a knife across his forearm in parallel lines.

PAUL

My God, Sue—Grover’s cutting again!

They run over and struggle to disarm him.

GROVER

No! It’s the only thing that keeps my mind off politics!

They disarm him, but Grover escapes through the back of the stage SLAMMING the DOOR. Sue and Paul follow, and pound on it.

SUE AND PAUL

(ad libbing)

Grover! Grover! Open up! It’s not worth it! (etc.)

GROVER (O.S.)

I just can’t take it any more!

The door opens. Grover stumbles back onstage, his arms COVERED IN BLOOD.

GROVER

Red! Everything’s red! MY ARMS ARE COVERED IN RED STATES!

He collapses. Sue runs offstage and returns with bandages, which she uses on Grover.

SUE

It’s not as bad as it looks. But he’ll probably be in a coma until after the election.

PAUL

Lucky bastard.

He looks over at Lars, in the corner.

PAUL (cont’d)

Sue, what’s happening to us? This election is tearing us apart. We need to relax, and let the chips fall where they may. I mean, look at Lars, here, sitting so calmly. He’s not tense at…

Paul has walked over to Lars to pat him on the head. However, he has a concealed pin in his hand and he POPS the balloon, simulating Lars’ HEAD EXPLODING.

EVERYONE SCREAMS!

BLACKOUT.

HALLOWEEN COSTUME CHARACTER

DAN

Halloween was this Friday, and many adults still enjoy getting dressed up. Here with a post-Halloween editorial is one such holiday fan, Sally Sandberg. Sally?

SALLY ENTERS, wobbling. She is dressed like Sarah Palin. She holds a beer.

DAN

Sally, are you drunk?

SALLY

Fuck yeah, dicknose! It’s Halloween!

DAN

Halloween was two days ago.

SALLY

You’re two days ago! Shut your news-hole and let me talk.

(to audience)

Halloween. Some use it to indulge their love of fake blood, while others put their breasts on display without fear of social judgment. For me, it’s a competition. A way to show that I’m the awesome-est, through my choice of Halloween costume. Or it would be if every motherfucker on Earth didn’t steal my ideas!

(to Dan)

Like this year—okay, can you guess what I went as?

DAN

Uh… Glasses… jacket... Sexy accounts payable representative?

SALLY

No, cockwad.

(upper North American accent)

I don’t know if I agree with your police work there, Ed.

DAN

I’m guessing you’re Sarah Palin, but I dunno why you’re doing lines from Fargo.

SALLY

It’s the only way I can do the accent! Anyway, she might say that… to, like, the state trooper she had fired… You know what? Shut the hell up. Anyway, I go to this party, and I’m having a good time—until… guess what five other bitches were dressed as there. Just guess. Guess, Dan.

DAN

Oh, I can talk? Uh… I dunno. Sarah Palin.

SALLY

You’re a real asshat, Dan. Yes. Yes, I don’t know who told you, but they were dressed as Sarah Palin. Just like I don’t know who told these bitches that I would be dressed as Sarah Palin, so they could steal my costume and ruin my night.

DAN

Wait, Sally, you think these women stole their costume idea from you?

SALLY

OF COURSE THEY DID, DAN, you buttlick. What else could’ve happened? I had been working on my Sarah Palin costume for months! I had the glasses! I had the red 150-grand lady-suit! I had it all! And these whores took my idea! And, worse yet, the dudes at the party stole my boyfriend’s idea too!

DAN

Which was…?

SALLY

The Joker.

DAN

Has it ever occurred to you that this might happen because these costumes are, in fact, quite popular?

SALLY

Yeah, they’re popular because EVERYONE’S STEALING MY IDEAS. God! This has been going on forever! My gay cowboy costume… Napoleon Dynamite… Jack Sparrow… that time I went as a hanging chad… when I went as Y2K… Austin Powers… The Macarena… Laura Palmer… Rubix Cube… New Coke… Coke II… Crystal Pepsi… Even when I was a baby and my parents dressed me up as Princess Leia! People have been stealing that one ever since!

DAN

Okay, well you’ve sure been a trendsetter. I hope you have better luck next year.

SALLY

Oh, yeah! I already have it all picked out. Guess what I’m going as!

Dan writes “IRON MAN 2.” on a piece of paper. As she talks, he holds it up.

SALLY

Iron Man 2!

(she sees the paper and reacts, angry)

Oh you ballmunch! You’re not stealing my idea!

She attempts to punch Dan in the face, then suddenly tries to make out with him.

DAN

Get off me! The Joker’s backstage! Cut it out! Sally Sandberg, everyone!

TONIGHT! Last Show Before the Election

With special warm-up comic Elliott Kalan, writer for The Daily Show With Jon Stewart!