FOUR DEMOCRATS WAIT FOR ELECTION DAY
ANNOUNCER
And now, Shameful Display presents: Four Democrats Wait for Election Day.
LIGHTS UP on FOUR DEMOCRATS. PAUL stands, pacing back and forth, while SUE checks a computer. GROVER sits center stage, rocking in a chair, in a near-fetal position. LARS sits with his back to the audience, holding his hands on his head.
Lars sits in such a way as to obscure the fact that the actor’s head is hidden beneath his jacket, and what seems to be his head is an INFLATED BALLOON in a WIG.
GROVER
He’s gonna fuck it up. He’s gonna fuck it up. He’s gonna fuck it up. He’s gonna fuck it up. I don’t know how, but somehow he’s gonna fuck it up…
PAUL
Shut up, Grover. Obama is not going to lose this election… Is he?
SUE
I dunno… The latest Gallup poll has McCain gaining half a point in Virginia.
PAUL
Half a point!?
(punches Sue)
In Virginia!?
(punches Sue again)
I can’t take this! How long ‘til Election Day?
SUE
26 hours, sixteen minutes, and 36 seconds!
PAUL
GAAH! I’m going crazy! Why didn’t you let me build that time machine, and leap into the future to make sure that Obama wins the election, like I wanted?!
SUE
We’ve been over this! We don’t know the ramifications of such time travel! What if Obama winning is contingent on you not knowing he wins? And thus, the very act of you observing him winning the election prevents him from winning? It’s elementary butterfly effect, Paul!
They both look at Grover and notice that he’s methodically drawing a knife across his forearm in parallel lines.
PAUL
My God, Sue—Grover’s cutting again!
They run over and struggle to disarm him.
GROVER
No! It’s the only thing that keeps my mind off politics!
They disarm him, but Grover escapes through the back of the stage SLAMMING the DOOR. Sue and Paul follow, and pound on it.
SUE AND PAUL
(ad libbing)
Grover! Grover! Open up! It’s not worth it! (etc.)
GROVER (O.S.)
I just can’t take it any more!
The door opens. Grover stumbles back onstage, his arms COVERED IN BLOOD.
GROVER
Red! Everything’s red! MY ARMS ARE COVERED IN RED STATES!
He collapses. Sue runs offstage and returns with bandages, which she uses on Grover.
SUE
It’s not as bad as it looks. But he’ll probably be in a coma until after the election.
PAUL
Lucky bastard.
He looks over at Lars, in the corner.
PAUL (cont’d)
Sue, what’s happening to us? This election is tearing us apart. We need to relax, and let the chips fall where they may. I mean, look at Lars, here, sitting so calmly. He’s not tense at…
Paul has walked over to Lars to pat him on the head. However, he has a concealed pin in his hand and he POPS the balloon, simulating Lars’ HEAD EXPLODING.
EVERYONE SCREAMS!
BLACKOUT.
HALLOWEEN COSTUME CHARACTER
DAN
Halloween was this Friday, and many adults still enjoy getting dressed up. Here with a post-Halloween editorial is one such holiday fan, Sally Sandberg. Sally?
SALLY ENTERS, wobbling. She is dressed like Sarah Palin. She holds a beer.
DAN
Sally, are you drunk?
SALLY
Fuck yeah, dicknose! It’s Halloween!
DAN
Halloween was two days ago.
SALLY
You’re two days ago! Shut your news-hole and let me talk.
(to audience)
Halloween. Some use it to indulge their love of fake blood, while others put their breasts on display without fear of social judgment. For me, it’s a competition. A way to show that I’m the awesome-est, through my choice of Halloween costume. Or it would be if every motherfucker on Earth didn’t steal my ideas!
(to Dan)
Like this year—okay, can you guess what I went as?
DAN
Uh… Glasses… jacket... Sexy accounts payable representative?
SALLY
No, cockwad.
(upper North American accent)
I don’t know if I agree with your police work there, Ed.
DAN
I’m guessing you’re Sarah Palin, but I dunno why you’re doing lines from Fargo.
SALLY
It’s the only way I can do the accent! Anyway, she might say that… to, like, the state trooper she had fired… You know what? Shut the hell up. Anyway, I go to this party, and I’m having a good time—until… guess what five other bitches were dressed as there. Just guess. Guess, Dan.
DAN
Oh, I can talk? Uh… I dunno. Sarah Palin.
SALLY
You’re a real asshat, Dan. Yes. Yes, I don’t know who told you, but they were dressed as Sarah Palin. Just like I don’t know who told these bitches that I would be dressed as Sarah Palin, so they could steal my costume and ruin my night.
DAN
Wait, Sally, you think these women stole their costume idea from you?
SALLY
OF COURSE THEY DID, DAN, you buttlick. What else could’ve happened? I had been working on my Sarah Palin costume for months! I had the glasses! I had the red 150-grand lady-suit! I had it all! And these whores took my idea! And, worse yet, the dudes at the party stole my boyfriend’s idea too!
DAN
Which was…?
SALLY
The Joker.
DAN
Has it ever occurred to you that this might happen because these costumes are, in fact, quite popular?
SALLY
Yeah, they’re popular because EVERYONE’S STEALING MY IDEAS. God! This has been going on forever! My gay cowboy costume… Napoleon Dynamite… Jack Sparrow… that time I went as a hanging chad… when I went as Y2K… Austin Powers… The Macarena… Laura Palmer… Rubix Cube… New Coke… Coke II… Crystal Pepsi… Even when I was a baby and my parents dressed me up as Princess Leia! People have been stealing that one ever since!
DAN
Okay, well you’ve sure been a trendsetter. I hope you have better luck next year.
SALLY
Oh, yeah! I already have it all picked out. Guess what I’m going as!
Dan writes “IRON MAN 2.” on a piece of paper. As she talks, he holds it up.
SALLY
Iron Man 2!
(she sees the paper and reacts, angry)
Oh you ballmunch! You’re not stealing my idea!
She attempts to punch Dan in the face, then suddenly tries to make out with him.
DAN
Get off me! The Joker’s backstage! Cut it out! Sally Sandberg, everyone!
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