Big Site News - Whither Laffs is Now Fully Indexed

I know I haven't been posting much here for the last week or so, but that's partly because I've quietly been going back and tagging all of my old posts, to make the site much more searchable and easy to use. If you're looking for all of one kind of post (or if you're a frequent collaborator/ friend, looking to see how often you're mentioned*), now you can just click on the appropriate tag and see all of those posts grouped together.

So if, say, you're bored at work, and you want to read some of my comic essays, you can click that tab.

Or maybe you'd prefer to see some of my videos (or, if not mine, some selections from other comedian friends that I've highlighted over the years).

Perhaps outdated topical humor is your cup of tea. Then go for some monologue jokes and trace my utter failure at getting a joke on SNL's Weekend Update, despite being on the freelancer's list for like three seasons.**

If you like to read sketches on the page, without all those pesky "actors" messing it up, you can check out my sketch scripts. Please don't steal them, though (or if you do, give me proper credit).

For a tour of some of the dumbest things I've ever written, check out comedy gibberish. It's like a comedian's notebook full of half-formed nonsense. Then again, sometimes the goofiest stuff gets the biggest laughs.

Or, if you don't have time for all that, you could check out my favorite posts. I'll try and point you to the funny stuff. Of course, your sense of humor might be different than mine, but if that's true, you probably wouldn't enjoy this site anyway.

Finally, a way to conveniently avoid reading parts of my blog that you don't care about! I'm always looking for new and more efficient ways for my readers to ignore me. I hope this helps.

*Sara Schaefer and Elliott Kalan are currently neck-and-neck for most mentions, at 48 each. Fight, fight, fight for my love!

**Yeah, I know WU jokes aren't really the same as monologue stuff, but it's a similar sort of current-events humor, and I had to tag it as something. Back off, imaginary objector.

The Flop House Movie Minute #6 - Con Men

The Flop House makes a foray into near-journalism and visits the NY ComiCon.

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Shocking Legal News

"Set in Sin City, story revolves around two people who discover they've gotten married following a night of debauchery, with one of them winning a huge jackpot after playing the other's quarter. Unhappy pair try to undermine each other and get their hands on the money -- falling in love along the way." --Synopsis of "What Happens in Vegas" from IMDB



What this synopsis fails to mention is that Kutcher and Diaz are then "sentenced to six months hard marriage."

These activist judges are getting out of control!

What an unexpected result of Dennis Miller becoming a judge. I'll bet the Bush administration regrets that appointment... unless, of course, forced heterosexual conscription is a part of their strategy against gay marriage.

SHAME ON YOU, JUDICIAL BRANCH.

New Video Sketch

I have a cameo role in this video, written by and starring my friend Matt Koff. Give it a watch, why don't you?



DVD commentary tidbit: We shot much of this guerrilla-style in one of the busiest hotels located in the center of America's largest city. In addition to my key cameo, I did double-duty as a lookout, pretending to be talking to someone on my cell, and loudly saying the code words "house phone," whenever anyone not involved in the shoot approached. Because there's nothing less suspicious than someone shouting the common phrase "house phone" while lurking outside a restroom.

The Flop House Episode Fourteen is ONLINE!

We answer the question, "How bad could a movie with dragon wars possibly be?" Meanwhile, Dan pitches a new Bikini-themed movie, Elliott has a flashback to the war, Stu makes a love connection, and we all take a big swig of the Hong Kong cocktail.

0:00 - 0:32 - Introduction and theme.
0:33 - 26:07 - After a brief and transparent bid for sympathy on Dan's part, we get down to business and discuss D-War: Dragon Wars, the film that can't make up its mind whether to abbreviate itself.
26:08 - 27:37 - Final judgments.
27:38 - 28:49 - We announce a shameless ploy to increase listenership.
28:50 - 32:29 - A long-absent segment makes its triumphant return.
32:30 - 38:20 - The sad bastards recommend.
38:21 - 42:08 - Some podcast business is taken care of, amidst copious gibberish.
42:09 - 43:21 - Goodbyes, theme music, and outtakes.

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The new Facebook group I mention in the episode can be found here (there's also a permanent link in the sidebar).

I apologize that the audio quality is slightly lower than the previous few episodes. My allergy-addled mind didn't take enough time checking the levels, so I sound slightly louder and cracklier than Stu or Elliott, despite doing my best to fix it in post.







Wikipedia synopsis of D-War.

May Day Cards

When Comedians Chat

Eli: the creator of LSD died today

me: He was eaten by an alligator-headed unicorn.

Eli: his last words were "it smells like purple"

c'mon, let's keep it going

his funeral will be held at the local planetarium accompanied by a Pink Floyd laser show

me: When asked how they'd pay for his funeral, relatives said "Put it on his tab."

Eli: nice

funeral goers are advised NOT to lick the program

me: The cemetery has added security to prevent people from eating the mushrooms growing on his grave.

His last words were, "I hear a white light."

(long pause)

me:

The only ones I can think of now are really stupid, like "Zombie-fearing undertakers have locked the casket to avoid acid reflux."

More than a stretch.

I need to be a joke Mr. Fantastic to stretch enough to make that work.

Eli: yeah, another one i had was "his final words were 'i finally get 2001"

but i thought that was a stretch too

me: Well, we've scientifically proven how many jokes this news story has in it.

Six.

>hangs lab coat on hook<

Time for lunch!

Eli: oh, science. is there anything you can't prove?

The Flop House Movie Minute #5 - Moral Lessons

A heartwarming story about spiders disintegrates into despair and recrimination. Enjoy!

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So THIS is What Internet Success Feels Like

A belated thanks to Gawker (and to writer Nick Douglas in particular) for the delightful surprise of their linking to our (mainly Elliott's) Flop House Ziggy movie pitch.

Speaking of Gawker, did I ever tell you that I once wrote something for Gawker? I did? Well, could you pretend to be impressed? It's only polite.

Pseudonyms I Would Go By, If I Were a Pick-Up Artist

"The Icy Burn"

"Cuddle Monster 2000"

"Last of the Mohicans"

"The Non-threatening Fallback"

"The Metal Sea Lion"

"Doctor Detroit"

"The Underoo Bandit"

"Sexy Insurance Agent" (also my Halloween costume)

"Mr. Impossifantistraviganzor"

"Baron von Creepystare"

"Lars and the Real Girl"

"The Genital-rubber"

"Rick"

"99 Luftballoons"

"Hurricane Margaret"

"Robert Downey Jr."

The Flop House Episode Fourteen is ONLINE

We squander our newfound viral success by spending this episode talking about the movie Bratz. Meanwhile, Stuart solves an unsolvable math problem, Dan lauds the film's convention-defying use of time, and Elliott gives the youth a lesson about teetotaling.

0:00 - 0:34 - Introduction and theme.
0:35 - 2:19 - A noble attempt at professionalism crashes and burns almost immediately. Also, we explain our mission statement.
2:20 - 40:37 - We giggle like grade-school girls over the Bratz movie.
40:38 - 43:34 - Final judgements.
43:35 - 54:38 - The sad bastards recommend.
54:39 - 57:37 - Podcasty business, goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

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Wikpedia synopsis of Bratz.

Shame on You, Cottonelle!

I am shocked and appalled, Cottenelle. There is egregious and then there is heinious, and then, far beyond that, on the far shore of the despicible, there is you. My gag reflex is not strong enough when faced with such incredible perversity. I don't care how inescapable your advertising campaign is; this is my pledge -- I will not wipe my ass with an adorable puppy.

Yes the puppy looks tremendously plush and soft-- the sort of softness that I imagine would be soothing and restorative after a long and difficult bowel movement. And certainly the puppy looks happy and content NOW, peacefully sleeping "in ready position" next to the toilet (or so I imagine). But will it be happy when it is vigorously being rubbed in the crevasse separating my buttocks? I think not! No, then all will be squealing and squirming!

Granted, this squirming will likely have a sort of "scrubbing" quality, preventing the need for repeated cleanings, and allowing the dog, in effect, to do the work for you. Still, this does not excuse the spreading of fecal matter all over a living thing, no matter how downy and asscheek-tickling said living thing might be. Also silky.

And once you've befowelled the dog, what then, COTTONELLE? You can't simply flush the dog down the drain, like a toilet paper goldfish. It would clog your plumbing. So you set it down to figure out what to do with it, and suddently you have a furry fecal rocket scampering all over your 1500-thread-count linens! Best case scenario, you spend the next half hour washing the dog. I don't need the tsuris!

Of course, if every puppy came with some sort of individual puppy washing machine, then maybe you'd have something. Do your business, toss it in, and then go watch Monk or something. It would certainly be more environmentally friendly than paper, recycling the same soft, soft, cushiony puppy.

I suppose in that case it wouldn't be too... reprehensible to... so fluffy...

Heck, I'll try anything once. C'mere boy. C'mere! Hey boy!

>whistle<

No need to look so scared! I'm just gonna pick you up for a minute, and just let me manouver you around there and...

What?

Get your hands off me! Who are you, and how did you get into my house? I don't care what sort of ethical treatment organization you're from! Let me-- A met... a metaphor? A visual metaphor? What do you...

Oh.

It appears I misunderstood.

Uh, sorry.

God I wish I hadn't been transcribing this completely true-to-life monologue for my blog. I now realize that it doesn't cast me in the most flattering light. In fact, I come off as a bit of a puppy-wiper. Well, I should be okay, just as long as I don't hit the "post" bu...

Did California Change Me?

I don't think so.

The Flop House Movie Minute #4 - Comic Heroes

We atone for the lack of full-length episodes, due to Dan's vacation, with this: a movie minute so long so as to render the concept useless. Enjoy!

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WE WILL BE BACK WITH FULL EPISODES NEXT WEEK!

On Vacation

I'll be in San Francisco all week, so don't look for any updates until Sunday the 13th. In the meantime, please entertain yourself with this old photo of me being menaced by a bear.

The Flop House Movie Minute #3 is ONLINE

We devote this Flop House Movie Minute to the ultimate in nostalgia sequels.

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A Solemn Announcement

I have a terrible announcement. Sadly, I will not be updating this blog anymore, as I unfortunately passed away at 3:38 eastern time, today, Tuesday April 1. As many of you know, I had been struggling with lupus for many years, and the strain grew too much for me. I am tragically survived by my wife and small cat. In lieu of flowers, I request that you send checks made out directly to the Manatee Repopulation Fund. And now, a moment of silence for myself.
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.
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APRIL FOOLS!
HA HA HA!
I GOT YOU!
FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU WERE FOOLED GOOD!
I BACKED UP A BIG TRUCK OF APRIL FOOLS AND PARKED IT ON YOUR FOOL ASS!
YOU WERE PASTA FAZFOOLED!
FOOL!
YOU ARE SUCH A FOOL THAT I PITY YOU.
I PITY THE FOOL THAT IS YOU.
I BET YOU CAN SEE THE SUN GOING DOWN AND THE WORLD SPINNING ROUND, BECAUSE WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE CURRENTLY ON A HILL, YOU ARE A BIG FOOL!
YOU KNOW WHAT'S COOL? STAYING IN SCHOOL.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S NOT COOL? YOU. FOR THE REASON THAT YOU ARE A FOOL!
STICK IT UP YOUR FOOL!
YOU ARE THE CHILD OF A DONKEY AND A HORSE, EXCEPT YOU ARE A FOOL INSTEAD OF A MULE (ALTHOUGH TO GET TECHNICAL ABOUT IT, YOU ARE A MULE)!
LOOF IS WHAT YOU WOULD READ WHEN YOU WRITE YOUR OWN NAME IF YOU WERE DYSLEXIC!
THESE FOOLISH GAMES ARE TEARING FOOL APART!
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!

HA HA HA! THIS WAS AN EVEN GREATER PRANK THAN THAT GMAIL TIME THING!

>pant pant<
>wheeze<

God I hate this holiday.

The Flop House Episode Thirteen is ONLINE!

In our least-edited show yet, we discover that big stars, glossy production values, and a classic story can't save you from being snatch'd by the Flop House, as we discuss The Invasion. Meanwhile, Elliott tries to sell us on his medical humor, Stuart imagines the sassy sentient skateboard of his dreams, and Dan auditions for several other podcasts.

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0:00 - 0:35 Introduction and theme
0:36 - 2:46 A podcast warning is issued, and a dead-on George Takai impression is met with thundering indifference.
2:46 - 40:54 We talk about The Invasion, the latest and least-greatest take on Invasion of the Body Snatchers. At least Nicole Kidman wears a tight sweater.
40:55 - 42:38 Final judgments.
42:39 - 55:09 The sad bastards recommend.
55:10 - 56:05 Some nonsense about Karate Kid to close the show.
56:07 - 58:56 Thanks, podcasty business, goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

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CORRECTION: Dan says in the podcast that he may be wrong about the original director of The Invasion being the person who directed Kontroll. Indeed he is. The original director was Oliver Hirschbiegel who did Das Experiment and the Academy Award-nominated Downfall. Dan apologizes for his Amero-centrism/ mixing up his German and Hungarian directors.

Hey, if you haven't gotten the message by now, new microphones! If the sound quality of the earlier shows have been holding you back, now's your time to jump in again. And tell your friends!







Wikipedia synopsis of Invasion.

Unca Dan's Comical Funnies #10 - Better Late Than Never Edition

The Flop House Movie Minute #2 is ONLINE

In the second of our short, supplemental episodes, noted raconteur Stuart Wellington describes his encounter with noted werewolf-hunter Kate Beckinsale.

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