Hey. In the tradition of Andres' blog, I thought I'd post the script of my contribution to last night's Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game. Those of you who couldn't make it missed a very funny Mark Douglas in full body suit as Mr. Serkis. Those of you who were there last night can enjoy seeing the original, longer script (including a never-before-seen second beat!) as it was before it was trimmed down to fit into the already comedy-stuffed show. Just think of it as the world's most low tech behind-the-scenes DVD extra.
As always, thanks to Andres and the gang for letting me contribute, and for making my writing 25% funnier by acting the hell out of it.
"The Andy Serkis Bit" by Dan McCoy
FRANCISCO
And now, ladies and gentleman, some jokes. What did the fat man say after winning the top trophy at the pie-eating contest? "To compete is its own reward." You see? Because, being very fat, he loves the flaky crust and the delicious...
During the above ANDY SERKIS has crept onstage, and begun mimicking Francisco's movements.
FRANCISCO
(noticing)
Um, excuse me, but I'm mid-joke. Could you please clear the stage?
SERKIS
Yeah, it's great, great. Just do that arm motion again, the one where you were demonstrating the precise fatness of the man...
FRANCISCO
I do not take requests-- besides, a comedian doing the same joke twice for one audience would be akin to a magician, explaining why his doves do not burn, beneath the old-fashioned serving platter doused in kerosene.
Serkis continues to mimic Francisco, pausing occasionally to take notes.
SERKIS
Brilliant, brilliant. Terrific stuff.
Francisco moves towards him, as if to physically remove him from the stage.
FRANCISCO
Would you get...
(recognizing)
Are you Andy Serkis?
SERKIS
That's me.
FRANCISCO
Gollum?
SERKIS
Yes.
FRANCISCO
King Kong?
SERKIS
Right.
FRANCISCO
The effete magazine editor from the Jennifer Garner vehicle 13 Going on 30?
SERKIS
(sighs)
Yes.
FRANCISCO
Wow! Look, audience, a celebrity has dropped by. Or as close to a celebrity as you can be, when your most significant work has been obscured by computer pixels. What brings you to the show?
SERKIS
Well, actually, Peter Jackson is interested in doing a Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game movie.
FRANCISCO
Get out!
SERKIS
No, it's true-- he's already got Fran Walsh and Phillipa Boyens working on abridging the show's title, while remaining true to its sprit-- don't let that get on the Internet, or the fans will go mental.
FRANCISCO
The nerds are protective of the purity of the text.
SERKIS
Anyway, your story really resonated with Pete-- the idea of a man coming from a small, backward country, and rocketing to success...
FRANCISCO
I don't know... rocketing...
SERKIS
And that's where you come in.
FRANCISCO
Peter Jackson wants me to star in a movie about my life?
SERKIS
Oh, no no no. Pete wants me to learn how to mimic your physicality, so that he can re-create you digitally, using CGI.
FRANCISCO
But... why not just use me?
SERKIS
Well, we really want "Francisco" to look photo-realistic.
FRANCISCO
I am photo realistic. I can show you! I have photos of myself in my wallet! A surprising number of them!
SERKIS
It's just not the direction we want to go.
FRANCISCO
But I'm not just a comedian-slash-master of ceremonies. I'm an actor. I played the Mother Superior in the Boliviguayan National Theater's production of More Nunsense: The Nunsensiest!
SERKIS
I'm sure you're the best Francisco Guglioni you can be, but there's a certain truth about Francisco that only I, with my particular talents, can capture. There's really no negotiation on this point. So, if you want the movie to go forward, you're going to have to let me do my work.
FRANCISCO
Fine. Just... try not to get in the way.
SERKIS
Cheers.
Throughout the following, Serkis is behind and just to the side of Francisco, mimicking his every move, slowly becoming more and more distracting.
FRANCISCO
Anyway, what was I... oh, yes, yes, jokes-- How many raccoons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Raccoons are largely nocturnal. Why did the blonde scientist throw her clock out the window? To test Einstein's theory of space-time... It was the window of a spaceship, traveling near a black hole. Very dangerous experiment. Unfortunately the results were inconclusive, since they were unable to retrieve the clock.
Serkis is right behind Francisco now, really getting into his personal space, causing Francisco to get more and more flustered.
FRANCISCO (cont'd)
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the street corner? An honored veteran. Please, give generously. Two dollars means a snack to you, but it means a big deal to...
(losing patience, to Serkis)
Would you get off me?!
SERKIS
What? What's wrong?
FRANCISCO
I don't care about the movie, it's not worth this. Could we get some cast members out here to escort Mr. Serkis out of the theater.
Whatever cast members are free congregate on the floor, next to stage left.
SERKIS
Good luck getting them to turn against me, Francisco! I've been living amongst them for weeks, learning their ways, gaining their trust.
CAST MEMBER
He bought us beer.
SERKIS
I'm one of them, now-- one of the tribe.
FRANCISCO
Clearly you actually know nothing of New York comedians, or you would know that they'll put up with anyone, as long as that person is buying.
CAST MEMBERS
(general agreement, "it's true," etc.)
SERKIS
(pointing to Mike Birch)
But that big silver-backed one tried to mate with me.
Everyone looks at Birch.
BIRCH
He bought us beer.
General acceptance from the cast, etc. Movement towards the stage.
CAST MEMBER
Sorry, Andy. If Francisco says you have to go, you have to go.
They escort Serkis off.
SERKIS
You'll regret this, Francisco! I'll be back to beat you up, as soon as I'm done researching the physicality of someone who could beat you up!
FRANCISCO
Get him out of here!
-Beat Two-
FRANCISCO
And now, ladies and gentlemen some more jokes. How do you punish Helen Keller? When you think about it, wasn't her life punishment enough?
(raising his hand)
Who here saw "The Miracle Worker?"
SERKIS
(in audience)
Oh, how droll. A traditional set-up, followed by a completely straight punchline. Farewell Demitri Martin, for you sir are the new king of deadpan comedy.
FRANCISCO
All right. Settle down, suspiciously loud and articulate audience member. What's another one... let's see... What has four legs and flies? A Griffin. It also has the body of a lion and the head of an eagle. You should brush up on your crypto-zoology.
SERKIS
Oh! And now he throws in an obscure and archaic term to congratulate the audience! Ha ha ha! I reward him with my laughter.
FRANCISCO
Okay, what is going on-- sir could you stand up?
(recognizing)
Is that... is it Andy Serkis?!
SERKIS
Yes, it is I. I'm surprised you could recognize me, so complete was my mimicry.
FRANCISCO
What are you doing back here?
SERKIS
Having my revenge! I thought to myself, "I could best Francisco physically, but what would hurt him more? My punches or my wits?"
FRANCISCO
As an Englishman, I'm betting it wasn't your punches.
SERKIS
Touche! So I decided to fight you by using my unique talents to mimic that which you fear most. A downtown comedy snob.
FRANCISCO
Oh no!
SERKIS
I based my performance around that man--
(points to audience member)
Only handsomer. And as a downtown comedy snob, I'm here to tell you that I saw David Cross in this bar mere weeks ago, and you're not fit to share a stage with him. Now bring me a PBR in a can!
FRANCISCO
Do not bring that man any ironically unfashionable drinks!
SERKIS
Everything you do, Andy Kaufman did thirty years ago, and better!
FRANCISCO
(reacting, as if stabbed)
Ouch. Your barbed words hurt me inside.
SERKIS
The only way you can defeat me, is to show me something that I've never seen before, cutting through layers upon layers of cultivated, jaded detachment.
FRANCISCO
Cast! Come here, I need you!
(available cast members huddle around Francisco-- much whispering and discussion)
SERKIS
Give it up, Francisco, it can't be done.
(the cast breaks huddle, and stands at attention)
FRANCISCO
(clears his throat)
(one of the cast members knees the other in the groin. over the speakers there is a fart noise. a beat. then Serkis breaks out laughing, uncontrollably.)
SERKIS
(while laughing)
Damn you and your comedy genius, Francisco!
FRANCISCO
Now get out of my sight!
SERKIS
(still laughing, to audience as he leaves)
King Kong is out on DVD!
FRANCISCO
No plugs, just go!
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
This Tuesday Just Seems... Giant-er Than Usual
Yes, this makes three plugs for one show, but I just wanted to remind you that tonight's GTN features a couple of bits written by me. So stop by, if you can:
Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game
Tuesday the 25th of April, at 8:00 pm
at Rififi/ Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street
between 1st and 2nd Avenues
Free (w/ a one drink minimum)
I won't be appearing in the show as a performer, just enjoying my own words (and those of the usual, terrific GTN crew) from the comfort of the audience. So if you like my writing, but hate my stupid face, this is the show for you!
And if you like the show, stick around and chat afterwards-- and buy me a drink, whydoncha? I don't get paid for this nonsense.
As always, thanks to Andres and the others for letting me contribute a little something to their great show. There's a new one every Tuesday, and hilarity always abounds. So if you're dropping by to see my little bit, and you like what you see, you should return when I'm not involved. Chances are, it'll be even funnier.
Oh, and on the off chance that Jason Jones spends his off hours idly Googling himself, I'd just like to thank him again for coming by to the New Kalan Show last Thursday-- he couldn't have been nicer, and was dedicated to making the show as funny as could be by tossing in extra contributions wherever appropriate, and basically making us look as good as possible. So thanks.
Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game
Tuesday the 25th of April, at 8:00 pm
at Rififi/ Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street
between 1st and 2nd Avenues
Free (w/ a one drink minimum)
I won't be appearing in the show as a performer, just enjoying my own words (and those of the usual, terrific GTN crew) from the comfort of the audience. So if you like my writing, but hate my stupid face, this is the show for you!
And if you like the show, stick around and chat afterwards-- and buy me a drink, whydoncha? I don't get paid for this nonsense.
As always, thanks to Andres and the others for letting me contribute a little something to their great show. There's a new one every Tuesday, and hilarity always abounds. So if you're dropping by to see my little bit, and you like what you see, you should return when I'm not involved. Chances are, it'll be even funnier.
Oh, and on the off chance that Jason Jones spends his off hours idly Googling himself, I'd just like to thank him again for coming by to the New Kalan Show last Thursday-- he couldn't have been nicer, and was dedicated to making the show as funny as could be by tossing in extra contributions wherever appropriate, and basically making us look as good as possible. So thanks.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
The New Kalan Show, Tonight!
Tonight
The New Kalan Show
Hosted by Elliott Kalan
With Special Guest Jason Jones
Featuring:
Devon Coleman, Brock Mahan, Dan McCoy, and Erik Marcisak
At The Gene Frankel Underground
Tonight, April 20, at 10:00 PM, $5
The Gene Frankel Underground is located at 24 Bond Street in the East Village of Manhattan.
(Don’t be scared, Bond Street is a short street that's just a cooler name for East 2nd Street). It's on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, behind the green door ( ! ). Just come on in -- we're located in the basement theater.
#6 to Bleecker Street at Lafayette W & R to 8th Street or Prince St B,D,F,V to Broadway/Lafayette
The New Kalan Show
Hosted by Elliott Kalan
With Special Guest Jason Jones
Featuring:
Devon Coleman, Brock Mahan, Dan McCoy, and Erik Marcisak
At The Gene Frankel Underground
Tonight, April 20, at 10:00 PM, $5
The Gene Frankel Underground is located at 24 Bond Street in the East Village of Manhattan.
(Don’t be scared, Bond Street is a short street that's just a cooler name for East 2nd Street). It's on the north side of Bond Street, between Bowery & Lafayette, behind the green door ( ! ). Just come on in -- we're located in the basement theater.
#6 to Bleecker Street at Lafayette W & R to 8th Street or Prince St B,D,F,V to Broadway/Lafayette
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Ooh, Look! Video!
I was looking over at Andres Du Bouchet's blog, and noticed that he'd just posted a link to this video which gives a nice introduction to what his show Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game is all about. It's well worth viewing.
And also, this gives me an excuse to remind you that I will be contributing a bit to next Tuesday's GTN, so if you like what you see in the video, and you also like my stuff, then next Tuesday might be a good night to come check it out. That show again is...
Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game
Tuesday the 25th of April, at 8:00 pm
at Rififi/ Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street
between 1st and 2nd Avenues
Free (w/ a one drink minimum)
And also, this gives me an excuse to remind you that I will be contributing a bit to next Tuesday's GTN, so if you like what you see in the video, and you also like my stuff, then next Tuesday might be a good night to come check it out. That show again is...
Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game
Tuesday the 25th of April, at 8:00 pm
at Rififi/ Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street
between 1st and 2nd Avenues
Free (w/ a one drink minimum)
A Captains Update and Disturbing Dan-Related Celebrity News
A quick Captains in Space update. Our director/ editor/ star, Mr. Federico Hatoum, is back from his vacation south of the border, and has been plugging away on the latest episode. He assures me that it will likely be done by this weekend and available online shortly thereafter. So I'd look for it sometime early next week. Can you contain your excitement? Unlikely, my friend. Unlikely.In other news, one of the Onion AV Club blogs pointed me towards this interesting website, where you can upload a photo of yourself, and their facial recognition software will analyze it and tell you what celebrity you most look like. So I uploaded my headshot, figuring that it's probably the most neutral picture of my face that I have.
And which celebrity do I look like?
That's right, Geri Halliwell.
I have to admit, they have a point. Which, aside from making me feel weird about all the dirty thoughts I've had about Geri Halliwell, also makes me rethink my headshot. Finally, I understand why I've been getting all those girl group callbacks. My headshot makes me look like a Spice Girl...
That, and the Union Jack miniskirt I wear everywhere.
Oh, and my tremendous rack.
RIMSHOT!
Monday, April 17, 2006
The Dead-Joke Office
Hey. In case you go for this sort of thing, here are some monologue-style jokes I wrote last week (they went unused). Why waste them, though? Here they are, for your mild amusement.
During a lavish nationally televised ceremony, which featured dancers performing while holding capsules of uranium, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced Tuesday that his country had successfully enriched uranium for the first time, and that Iran had also, finally, successfully given an entire dance troupe radiation sickness.
New York State Gubernatorial candidate Bill Weld misspoke this week when he said that Harlem has a huge "anthrax" problem, when he really meant asthma. So you may want to stop using those anthrax inhalers.
Ikea is planning to open a store in Beijing, China, that will be second only in size to its Stockholm showroom—but the Chinese Ikea furniture's flimsiness will be second to none.
New York State Senator Ada Smith defended herself on Tuesday against charges that she threw coffee in the face of an aide by saying that she doesn't drink coffee, she drinks tea—a telling detail that led Encyclopedia Brown to conclude that, in fact, the villain in this case was none other than Bugs Meany!
Barilla, the world's largest maker of pasta, announced that it will not renew its endorsement contract with skier Bode Miller, who failed to medal at this year's Winter Olympics, although Budwiser will maintain its lucrative deal with Mr. Miller, wherein, in exchange for cash, they give him beer.
It was reported this week that Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard are expecting a baby and plan to marry soon. The unborn child has already received an Independent Spirit Award.
President Bush on Wednesday went on the road to urge seniors to enroll in Medicare's prescription-drug program, in return for some delicious hard candy.
A man in South Africa, who set his pet snakes free inside the headquarters of the country's largest bank following a dispute over a loan, has been barred from entering any of the bank's branches ever again. The incident has inspired the new film, Snakes in a Bank, starring Samuel L. Jackson, with a screenplay by Dr. Seuss.
This week Winnie the Pooh was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Then, later, a dog did something extremely ironic on it.
While teen pregnancies is on the decline nationally, at a high school in Canton, Ohio during the 2004-2005 school year, 64 out of nearly 500 girls at the school became pregnant, and this year, 9 girls showed up on the first day of school pregnant. Look, Tom Cruise, we get it. You're not gay.
During a lavish nationally televised ceremony, which featured dancers performing while holding capsules of uranium, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced Tuesday that his country had successfully enriched uranium for the first time, and that Iran had also, finally, successfully given an entire dance troupe radiation sickness.
New York State Gubernatorial candidate Bill Weld misspoke this week when he said that Harlem has a huge "anthrax" problem, when he really meant asthma. So you may want to stop using those anthrax inhalers.
Ikea is planning to open a store in Beijing, China, that will be second only in size to its Stockholm showroom—but the Chinese Ikea furniture's flimsiness will be second to none.
New York State Senator Ada Smith defended herself on Tuesday against charges that she threw coffee in the face of an aide by saying that she doesn't drink coffee, she drinks tea—a telling detail that led Encyclopedia Brown to conclude that, in fact, the villain in this case was none other than Bugs Meany!
Barilla, the world's largest maker of pasta, announced that it will not renew its endorsement contract with skier Bode Miller, who failed to medal at this year's Winter Olympics, although Budwiser will maintain its lucrative deal with Mr. Miller, wherein, in exchange for cash, they give him beer.
It was reported this week that Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard are expecting a baby and plan to marry soon. The unborn child has already received an Independent Spirit Award.
President Bush on Wednesday went on the road to urge seniors to enroll in Medicare's prescription-drug program, in return for some delicious hard candy.
A man in South Africa, who set his pet snakes free inside the headquarters of the country's largest bank following a dispute over a loan, has been barred from entering any of the bank's branches ever again. The incident has inspired the new film, Snakes in a Bank, starring Samuel L. Jackson, with a screenplay by Dr. Seuss.
This week Winnie the Pooh was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Then, later, a dog did something extremely ironic on it.
While teen pregnancies is on the decline nationally, at a high school in Canton, Ohio during the 2004-2005 school year, 64 out of nearly 500 girls at the school became pregnant, and this year, 9 girls showed up on the first day of school pregnant. Look, Tom Cruise, we get it. You're not gay.
In honor of Easter, here is a picture of a fat rabbit.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Come See The New Kalan Show on April 20!
I think this post's title speaks for itself. However, if not, I present to you the "The New Kalan Show April 20 FAQ."
--
"What's so New about it?"
What's so new is that, after about a year of un-or-lightly-scripted fake talk show comedy goodness, the show is moving in the direction of more fully-planned bits. And that means that I, Dan McCoy, have been added as a writer, along with the maler half of Frowned Upon, Mr. Devon T. Coleman. Plus, former Colbert Report researcher/ current Fuse TV writer/ longtime Hypocrites partner and Kalan regular Brock Mahan is now "officially" on staff (whatever that means). So the show will be more McColmahan-tastic than ever before. Is that new enough for you?
Also, the show is no longer named The Midnight Kalan and isn't at midnight anymore. But that's been true since January, so it's not quite as new as the other stuff. Forget I said anything.
"What's so Kalan about it?"
What's so Kalan about it is that it's hosted by Elliott Kalan. Who's Elliott Kalan? By day he's an Associate Producer on The Daily Show, plus he writes a weekly humor column for Metro, and is one-half of the sketch team The Hypocrites. The New Kalan Show is his freewheeling talk show, which is sort of like Letterman, if Letterman was a twentysomething guy given to long digressions about failed dates and the golden age of Hollywood, and if his show was occassionally interrupted by ninja attacks or impromptu phone calls from a groggy Kiefer Sutherland. It's co-produced by longtime Kalan consiglieri and comedy impressario Erik Marcisak. You can learn more at the Manhattan Comedy Collective website.
"What's so Show about it?
Um... that's some weird syntax you're using, imaginary rhetorical questioner. I'll ignore it, though, and assume you're asking what makes it worth seeing. Aside from the stuff I mentioned above, on the April 20 show the guest will be Jason Jones, famed Daily Show correspondent (and Samantha-Bee-husband). So hilarity is virtually guaranteed. I'd like to note that The Daily Show is hugely popular (clearly much more so than our basement talk show) and seeing Jason Jones is probably the most tantalizing reason for any potential audience member to show up. And yet, I'm first mentioning his name in the fifth paragraph. I believe this is what's known, in the newspaper business, as "burying the leade."
"What's so April 20 about it?"
That's when it happens. Also it's at 10 PM, at The Gene Frankel Underground, 24 Bond Street, between Bowery and Lafayette. Closest subway stops are the Bleeker Street 6, Broadway Lafayette B/D/F/V, or Prince Street R. Tickets are $5 at the door, but you can buy them online for about a buck more, and guarantee yourself a seat. Also, if you get there at the beginning of the night, you can pay a flat $10 and see every Thursday Big Bang comedy show at the theater. What a deal! Especially if you have no other way fill up your sad, empty evenings. Wait-- don't cry! Oh, I always say the wrong thing!
"What's so The about it?"
I hate you, imaginary rhetorical questioner.
--
So, to sum up: come on out. It may well be your only chance to see me on the same stage as a star of The Daily Show, meaning that my career high may occur in a dank basement. How could you bear to miss it?
I told you the post's title spoke for itself.
--
"What's so New about it?"
What's so new is that, after about a year of un-or-lightly-scripted fake talk show comedy goodness, the show is moving in the direction of more fully-planned bits. And that means that I, Dan McCoy, have been added as a writer, along with the maler half of Frowned Upon, Mr. Devon T. Coleman. Plus, former Colbert Report researcher/ current Fuse TV writer/ longtime Hypocrites partner and Kalan regular Brock Mahan is now "officially" on staff (whatever that means). So the show will be more McColmahan-tastic than ever before. Is that new enough for you?
Also, the show is no longer named The Midnight Kalan and isn't at midnight anymore. But that's been true since January, so it's not quite as new as the other stuff. Forget I said anything.
"What's so Kalan about it?"
What's so Kalan about it is that it's hosted by Elliott Kalan. Who's Elliott Kalan? By day he's an Associate Producer on The Daily Show, plus he writes a weekly humor column for Metro, and is one-half of the sketch team The Hypocrites. The New Kalan Show is his freewheeling talk show, which is sort of like Letterman, if Letterman was a twentysomething guy given to long digressions about failed dates and the golden age of Hollywood, and if his show was occassionally interrupted by ninja attacks or impromptu phone calls from a groggy Kiefer Sutherland. It's co-produced by longtime Kalan consiglieri and comedy impressario Erik Marcisak. You can learn more at the Manhattan Comedy Collective website.
"What's so Show about it?
Um... that's some weird syntax you're using, imaginary rhetorical questioner. I'll ignore it, though, and assume you're asking what makes it worth seeing. Aside from the stuff I mentioned above, on the April 20 show the guest will be Jason Jones, famed Daily Show correspondent (and Samantha-Bee-husband). So hilarity is virtually guaranteed. I'd like to note that The Daily Show is hugely popular (clearly much more so than our basement talk show) and seeing Jason Jones is probably the most tantalizing reason for any potential audience member to show up. And yet, I'm first mentioning his name in the fifth paragraph. I believe this is what's known, in the newspaper business, as "burying the leade."
"What's so April 20 about it?"
That's when it happens. Also it's at 10 PM, at The Gene Frankel Underground, 24 Bond Street, between Bowery and Lafayette. Closest subway stops are the Bleeker Street 6, Broadway Lafayette B/D/F/V, or Prince Street R. Tickets are $5 at the door, but you can buy them online for about a buck more, and guarantee yourself a seat. Also, if you get there at the beginning of the night, you can pay a flat $10 and see every Thursday Big Bang comedy show at the theater. What a deal! Especially if you have no other way fill up your sad, empty evenings. Wait-- don't cry! Oh, I always say the wrong thing!
"What's so The about it?"
I hate you, imaginary rhetorical questioner.
--
So, to sum up: come on out. It may well be your only chance to see me on the same stage as a star of The Daily Show, meaning that my career high may occur in a dank basement. How could you bear to miss it?
I told you the post's title spoke for itself.
Friday, April 07, 2006
Mystifying Things I've Seen at the Movies Lately
So, I usually save this space for self-promotion, and nothing else, believing that to use it for other things (1.) would inevitably turn into navel-gazing, and (2.) would take time away from doing more productive writing. However, there are a few things I need to address, and they seem distinctly blog-like, rather than performance or publication-oriented, so here goes...
The Mystery of the Will Rodgers Foundation PSA
Here in NYC (and likely the rest of the country, though I wouldn't know for sure) they're running a public service announcement in front of movies. Here's a bare-bones synopsis, adjusted for my weak memory.
A teenage girl walks through the halls at school, and Miss Piggy comes up to her, yelling "Jenny! Jenny!" wanting to remind her about some charity fashion show that she needs to help Miss Piggy with, after school. Jenny takes out a marker and writes a reminder to herself on her arm. Then she's in the library where Fozzie and Gonzo remind her that their science report is due tomorrow, and she needs to work on that. Jenny makes another note. Also I think Kermit asks her for something, but I forget (I told you, weak memory). Jenny then comes home where her mom is shocked to see that Jenny's arms are completely covered in writing. Then Teri Hatcher comes out and, with the Muppets, tells the audience that if you're a teen with stress you should visit the Will Rodgers institute website for tips on de-stressing your life.
Oh the questions this ad raises!
1.) Most importantly (and the source of most of the questions to follow): What do the Muppets have to do with teen stress? And what does teen stress have to do with the Will Rodgers institute? And Terri Hatcher? What of her?
2.) Why are the Muppets harassing this poor girl? Is this some dystopian universe where human children are slaves to muppets?
Sub question:
Why are the Muppets enrolled in a human school? I suppose the Muppets and humans have always lived together happily in mixed neighborhoods (see Sesame Street for an example of human/ puppet harmony). But it seems odd that a teacher would assign Jenny to work on a group project with Fozzie and Gonzo, as I had always assumed that both were high school graduates, based on their having been college students at the beginning of The Muppets Take Manhattan. At the very least, they must have gotten their GED's.
Plus, it's odd that Fozzie, one of the kindest of the Muppets would place all the responsibility for writing the project on this poor girl. If he is truly committed to her friendship and to education, he should contribute. (On the other hand, Gonzo cares only for his art.)
3.) Why does Jenny react to each new development by writing on her arms? Perhaps the true source of stress is that she lacks notebooks. If I were to try and make it through school without paper, I might need Teri Hatcher's intervention as well.
4.) And Teri Hatcher, what of her? Specifically, does she, or the Muppets, actually speak to today's teens? I mean, Teri Hatcher's best known for being on a show geared towards 30-to-45-year-old women and gay men, and before that, she was best known for turning Superman into a dramedy love interest. And the Muppets, much as I love them, appeal mainly to adults who remember The Muppet Show, and Gen-Xers who grew up with the movies. Today's puppets are too busy making obscene crank calls to hang out with teenagers.
5.) According to their website, The Will Rodgers Foundation is "a charitable foundation in the USA supporting research in asthma, tuberculosis and pulmonary diseases." What's with the sudden concern about teen stress? Did they just figure that curing actual diseases was too tough, and quietly decided to shift their focus to something relatively managable?
Thank God the PSA wasn't for something fatal, like cancer, or we'd never save any lives, due to widespread confusion.
The Mystery of the Slightly Risque British Underdog Comedy
Or, to be more succinct, when did "The Full Monty" stop being a movie and become a genre? I was never a particular fan of The Full Monty-- it seemed more "cute" than it did funny-- but at least its story was reasonably original: "unemployed steelworkers do full-frontal nude revue to raise money." Then came Calendar Girls: "middle-aged ladies raise money for hospital by posing nude for calendar." Then there was Mrs. Henderson Presents: "theater stays open, even during the war, thanks to live nude tableaux." Now I see the trailer for Kinky Boots, which could be described as "man saves shoe factory, with aid of transvestite, by making sexy footware."
Why do you have to keep telling me this story, England? I get it! English people can be naughty in a lovable, twee, take-the-whole-family sort of way! Now get back to being repressed, like you are on PBS. My heart can only take so much mild titillation.
Please, if anyone can help me solve these mysteries, let me know.
The Mystery of the Will Rodgers Foundation PSA
Here in NYC (and likely the rest of the country, though I wouldn't know for sure) they're running a public service announcement in front of movies. Here's a bare-bones synopsis, adjusted for my weak memory.
A teenage girl walks through the halls at school, and Miss Piggy comes up to her, yelling "Jenny! Jenny!" wanting to remind her about some charity fashion show that she needs to help Miss Piggy with, after school. Jenny takes out a marker and writes a reminder to herself on her arm. Then she's in the library where Fozzie and Gonzo remind her that their science report is due tomorrow, and she needs to work on that. Jenny makes another note. Also I think Kermit asks her for something, but I forget (I told you, weak memory). Jenny then comes home where her mom is shocked to see that Jenny's arms are completely covered in writing. Then Teri Hatcher comes out and, with the Muppets, tells the audience that if you're a teen with stress you should visit the Will Rodgers institute website for tips on de-stressing your life.
Oh the questions this ad raises!
1.) Most importantly (and the source of most of the questions to follow): What do the Muppets have to do with teen stress? And what does teen stress have to do with the Will Rodgers institute? And Terri Hatcher? What of her?
2.) Why are the Muppets harassing this poor girl? Is this some dystopian universe where human children are slaves to muppets?
Sub question:
Why are the Muppets enrolled in a human school? I suppose the Muppets and humans have always lived together happily in mixed neighborhoods (see Sesame Street for an example of human/ puppet harmony). But it seems odd that a teacher would assign Jenny to work on a group project with Fozzie and Gonzo, as I had always assumed that both were high school graduates, based on their having been college students at the beginning of The Muppets Take Manhattan. At the very least, they must have gotten their GED's.
Plus, it's odd that Fozzie, one of the kindest of the Muppets would place all the responsibility for writing the project on this poor girl. If he is truly committed to her friendship and to education, he should contribute. (On the other hand, Gonzo cares only for his art.)
3.) Why does Jenny react to each new development by writing on her arms? Perhaps the true source of stress is that she lacks notebooks. If I were to try and make it through school without paper, I might need Teri Hatcher's intervention as well.
4.) And Teri Hatcher, what of her? Specifically, does she, or the Muppets, actually speak to today's teens? I mean, Teri Hatcher's best known for being on a show geared towards 30-to-45-year-old women and gay men, and before that, she was best known for turning Superman into a dramedy love interest. And the Muppets, much as I love them, appeal mainly to adults who remember The Muppet Show, and Gen-Xers who grew up with the movies. Today's puppets are too busy making obscene crank calls to hang out with teenagers.
5.) According to their website, The Will Rodgers Foundation is "a charitable foundation in the USA supporting research in asthma, tuberculosis and pulmonary diseases." What's with the sudden concern about teen stress? Did they just figure that curing actual diseases was too tough, and quietly decided to shift their focus to something relatively managable?
Thank God the PSA wasn't for something fatal, like cancer, or we'd never save any lives, due to widespread confusion.
The Mystery of the Slightly Risque British Underdog Comedy
Or, to be more succinct, when did "The Full Monty" stop being a movie and become a genre? I was never a particular fan of The Full Monty-- it seemed more "cute" than it did funny-- but at least its story was reasonably original: "unemployed steelworkers do full-frontal nude revue to raise money." Then came Calendar Girls: "middle-aged ladies raise money for hospital by posing nude for calendar." Then there was Mrs. Henderson Presents: "theater stays open, even during the war, thanks to live nude tableaux." Now I see the trailer for Kinky Boots, which could be described as "man saves shoe factory, with aid of transvestite, by making sexy footware."
Why do you have to keep telling me this story, England? I get it! English people can be naughty in a lovable, twee, take-the-whole-family sort of way! Now get back to being repressed, like you are on PBS. My heart can only take so much mild titillation.
Please, if anyone can help me solve these mysteries, let me know.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Mark Your Calendars for Late April Fun
For the very few of you that like to keep track of these things far in advance, I'll be making another one of my occasional contributions to Andres Du Bouchet & Company's most excellent variety show, Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game, on April the 25th at 8:00 PM at Rififi/Cinema Classics 332 E. 11th St. (between 1st & 2nd Aves). The show is free, with a one-reasonably-priced-drink minimum.
I won't be making a cameo this time (I know that this news is sure to disappoint all who caught my Tony Award-nominated* performance as "Sarcastic Strawberry Vendor" back in March. Instead, my contribution is on the writing side-- I like how the bit I scripted turned out, and it'll probably be a two-parter, which means more me for your buck (like you care), in addition to all the usual GTN hilarity (well worth your time).
So come on out. Since I won't be onstage, maybe we can sit together in the audience. That way it's easier for you to buy me a beer.
*Damn you Nathan Lane!**
**I'm not damning Nathan Lane for beating me out for the Tony Award, as that part about me being nominated was a shameless lie. I was damning him for "Mouse Hunt."
I won't be making a cameo this time (I know that this news is sure to disappoint all who caught my Tony Award-nominated* performance as "Sarcastic Strawberry Vendor" back in March. Instead, my contribution is on the writing side-- I like how the bit I scripted turned out, and it'll probably be a two-parter, which means more me for your buck (like you care), in addition to all the usual GTN hilarity (well worth your time).
So come on out. Since I won't be onstage, maybe we can sit together in the audience. That way it's easier for you to buy me a beer.
*Damn you Nathan Lane!**
**I'm not damning Nathan Lane for beating me out for the Tony Award, as that part about me being nominated was a shameless lie. I was damning him for "Mouse Hunt."
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Captains in Space Episode Two Online
The second episode of Captains in Space is now available online. So run and get it. You can view it via YouTube, if you like, but the quicktime version is better. Even better still? If you have a video iPod, you can subscribe to it as a podcast (which you should, because it looks sharpest on the iPod screen. I don't have a video iPod personally, but my better-heeled friends have let me use theirs, and it looks really nice).
Also, as Captain Fed says, "Please encourage your friends to subscribe to Captains via iTunes. The more people we get to do that (and leave reviews), the more likely the iTunes folks will feature the show. Once we get featured, that will increase the audience dramatically. I know we're more interesting than "Yogamazing", which is on the first page of featured video podcasts." Don't you want us to acheive Internet fame? It's the worst kind of fame there is! (Well, other than infamy.)
The latest episode, Advice, guest-stars our friends Rick Murphy and Lindsay Joy, and if you like them here, you should check them out in the live show "Rick Murphy is an Asshole," which will play as part of The Manhattan Comedy Collective's "Big Bang," every Thursday night in April at 8:00 PM, which was written by Rob Bates and Laura Buchholz, two fine humans, indeed. Yes, it's not all self-promotion here at Whither Laffs. Sometimes it's friends-of-self promotion too.
And, speaking of The Manhattan Comedy Collective (or MC2, as the cool kids say), Captains in Space will be playing as a video short during May's Big Bang shows. So, if you don't like watching things alone, on a tiny screen, you can come out and watch Captains in Space in a crowd, on a big screen, at the accompanying lower resolution. Yay! More MC2 information to come, as May draws nearer.
There will be a slightly longer lag between this episode and episode three, because our co-creator/director/editor/control freak Fed will be on a Latin American vacation (adios!) the first week of April, but once he's back, you can start eagerly anticipating your next Captains fix.
As always, thanks for caring about any of this nonsense.
Also, as Captain Fed says, "Please encourage your friends to subscribe to Captains via iTunes. The more people we get to do that (and leave reviews), the more likely the iTunes folks will feature the show. Once we get featured, that will increase the audience dramatically. I know we're more interesting than "Yogamazing", which is on the first page of featured video podcasts." Don't you want us to acheive Internet fame? It's the worst kind of fame there is! (Well, other than infamy.)
The latest episode, Advice, guest-stars our friends Rick Murphy and Lindsay Joy, and if you like them here, you should check them out in the live show "Rick Murphy is an Asshole," which will play as part of The Manhattan Comedy Collective's "Big Bang," every Thursday night in April at 8:00 PM, which was written by Rob Bates and Laura Buchholz, two fine humans, indeed. Yes, it's not all self-promotion here at Whither Laffs. Sometimes it's friends-of-self promotion too.
And, speaking of The Manhattan Comedy Collective (or MC2, as the cool kids say), Captains in Space will be playing as a video short during May's Big Bang shows. So, if you don't like watching things alone, on a tiny screen, you can come out and watch Captains in Space in a crowd, on a big screen, at the accompanying lower resolution. Yay! More MC2 information to come, as May draws nearer.
There will be a slightly longer lag between this episode and episode three, because our co-creator/director/editor/control freak Fed will be on a Latin American vacation (adios!) the first week of April, but once he's back, you can start eagerly anticipating your next Captains fix.
As always, thanks for caring about any of this nonsense.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Thanks
In an orgy of self-reflexive posting, I'd just like to thank The Apiary for kindly taking notice of our little Internet show. We appreciate the support, and I hope people keep an eye out for the new episodes as they come out...
Monday, March 20, 2006
Captains in Space Are GO!
After a period of fevered anticipation, unmatched on the Internet since the advent of Matrix-themed pornography, the first episode of Captains in Space is finally online.
You can download the episode directly, to watch on your computer, but the real fun comes if you have a video iPod, in which case you can subscribe to the RSS feed, and get new episodes sent directly to your iPod as soon as they're made available. It's simple. First you (1.) send me 1/2 of your discretionary income, because if you have a video iPod, you clearly earn more money than I, and (2.) simply click on one of the links over at the official website to sign up via iTunes or several other popular podcasting programs (I apologize for the alliteration, but there wasn't really a better way to phrase that). These are the best ways of viewing the episode, but if the high-quality video file is a bit jumpy on your computer, you can also view a lower-res version via YouTube.
Special thanks are due to Fed, our co-creator/ director, who went the extra mile to make sure that the special effects look pretty darn professional for an Internet series, with the budget of some food stamps, some copper wire, and a beat-up copy of Al Jaffee's "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions #38." One thing's for sure-- it looks miles better than any BBC sci-fi series from the 70's or 80's.
Anyway, we're all quite pleased with the first episode, and now that we've established the characters and the world, future episodes can only get stranger, funnier, and more Captainstastic.*
Editing for the second episode is well underway, so you may be seeing it sooner than you think. On the other hand, we're not getting paid for this, so little things like "day jobs" might slow us down. Still, keep watching the skies.**
*not a real word
**please don't sue us, the estate of Howard Hawks
You can download the episode directly, to watch on your computer, but the real fun comes if you have a video iPod, in which case you can subscribe to the RSS feed, and get new episodes sent directly to your iPod as soon as they're made available. It's simple. First you (1.) send me 1/2 of your discretionary income, because if you have a video iPod, you clearly earn more money than I, and (2.) simply click on one of the links over at the official website to sign up via iTunes or several other popular podcasting programs (I apologize for the alliteration, but there wasn't really a better way to phrase that). These are the best ways of viewing the episode, but if the high-quality video file is a bit jumpy on your computer, you can also view a lower-res version via YouTube.
Special thanks are due to Fed, our co-creator/ director, who went the extra mile to make sure that the special effects look pretty darn professional for an Internet series, with the budget of some food stamps, some copper wire, and a beat-up copy of Al Jaffee's "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions #38." One thing's for sure-- it looks miles better than any BBC sci-fi series from the 70's or 80's.
Anyway, we're all quite pleased with the first episode, and now that we've established the characters and the world, future episodes can only get stranger, funnier, and more Captainstastic.*
Editing for the second episode is well underway, so you may be seeing it sooner than you think. On the other hand, we're not getting paid for this, so little things like "day jobs" might slow us down. Still, keep watching the skies.**
*not a real word
**please don't sue us, the estate of Howard Hawks
Friday, March 17, 2006
Fantastic Newness!
The esteemed Elliot Kalan has added me, along with his "Hypocrites" partner Brock Mahan, and Mr. Devon T. Coleman (one-half of Frowned Upon) to the semi-staff of The New Kalan Show.
Elliott enjoys some pizza with his co-workers, Rocket Joe's-style.
What does semi-staff mean? Who knows. I think it means that there will be less writing out of "scripts" than there was over at Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, and more "vague ideas for bits making reference to well-known-only-to-film-buffs Hollywood figures like Frank Tashlin or Val Lewton."
Anyway, this will be Elliott's first time working with a staff on this show other than producer/ writer Erik Marcisak, and the recently-departed-for-L.A. director/ tech wizard Joe Guercio so that means that in the equation that is The New Kalan Show, I guess that...
The Kalan = Elliott
New = Brock & Devon & me.*
Show = Show
Although I suppose that's not so much an equation, more like a legend or key. But I'll use "equation" if I want to, just like I'll start a sentence with the word "but" if I want to, as well. Get off my back, you pedantic bastards!
Oddly enough, with the addition of Mr. Mahan to the Captains in Space writing staff, there's approximately a 75% crossover between TNKS and CiS. Maybe this will inspire people on the Internet to write fan fiction where the characters from each show cross over. That would be cool... at least, as long as it's not slash fiction.
Speaking of Captains in Space, I've seen the completed first episode, and it looks great-- amazing effects, considering our budget of a penny, some twine, and a cup of dried gravy. All that needs to be done now is some technical gobbledygook with servers and setting up the podcast feed, etc. But the public should be able to download it by Monday or Tuesday.
*Keep an eye out for the new sitcom "Brock & Devon & Me" this fall on Fox!
Elliott enjoys some pizza with his co-workers, Rocket Joe's-style.What does semi-staff mean? Who knows. I think it means that there will be less writing out of "scripts" than there was over at Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, and more "vague ideas for bits making reference to well-known-only-to-film-buffs Hollywood figures like Frank Tashlin or Val Lewton."
Anyway, this will be Elliott's first time working with a staff on this show other than producer/ writer Erik Marcisak, and the recently-departed-for-L.A. director/ tech wizard Joe Guercio so that means that in the equation that is The New Kalan Show, I guess that...
The Kalan = Elliott
New = Brock & Devon & me.*
Show = Show
Although I suppose that's not so much an equation, more like a legend or key. But I'll use "equation" if I want to, just like I'll start a sentence with the word "but" if I want to, as well. Get off my back, you pedantic bastards!
Oddly enough, with the addition of Mr. Mahan to the Captains in Space writing staff, there's approximately a 75% crossover between TNKS and CiS. Maybe this will inspire people on the Internet to write fan fiction where the characters from each show cross over. That would be cool... at least, as long as it's not slash fiction.
Speaking of Captains in Space, I've seen the completed first episode, and it looks great-- amazing effects, considering our budget of a penny, some twine, and a cup of dried gravy. All that needs to be done now is some technical gobbledygook with servers and setting up the podcast feed, etc. But the public should be able to download it by Monday or Tuesday.
*Keep an eye out for the new sitcom "Brock & Devon & Me" this fall on Fox!
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
March Clinical Depression-ness, Continued!
Hey folks. I haven't had the opportunity to update in a while (partly thanks to an until-yesterday lack of Internet brought on by changing apartments-- damn you Time Warner Cable!) but here's a quick rundown of some items of note.
Esteemed former Jest editor Frank Santopadre, who shepherded the magazine/ website over its last year or so of existence, set up a meeting with a few writers over at MAD Magazine, to see if we could wrangle a little freelance work. So I don't want to jinx it, but keep your fingers crossed-- I may soon be making some 12 to 16 year-old boys laugh. Oh, and by the way, the MAD offices are exactly how Bart Simpson imagined them, with people jumping around on pogo sticks, and Alfred E. Newman yelling "Get me Kaputnik and Fonebone. I want to see their drawings for 'New Kids on the Bleech!' And where's my fershluggen partrami sandwiches?!"
Also, the first episode of Captains in Space should be online by this time next week, if not earlier. I know I promised it to you by early March, but it took a little longer because of some special effects issues, and just ironing out some related details for our "pilot" episode. Now that the initial work has been done, our esteemed director Fed says that the other episodes should take less time to put together. So check back next week, and I should have the link for you.
Esteemed former Jest editor Frank Santopadre, who shepherded the magazine/ website over its last year or so of existence, set up a meeting with a few writers over at MAD Magazine, to see if we could wrangle a little freelance work. So I don't want to jinx it, but keep your fingers crossed-- I may soon be making some 12 to 16 year-old boys laugh. Oh, and by the way, the MAD offices are exactly how Bart Simpson imagined them, with people jumping around on pogo sticks, and Alfred E. Newman yelling "Get me Kaputnik and Fonebone. I want to see their drawings for 'New Kids on the Bleech!' And where's my fershluggen partrami sandwiches?!"
Also, the first episode of Captains in Space should be online by this time next week, if not earlier. I know I promised it to you by early March, but it took a little longer because of some special effects issues, and just ironing out some related details for our "pilot" episode. Now that the initial work has been done, our esteemed director Fed says that the other episodes should take less time to put together. So check back next week, and I should have the link for you.
Friday, March 10, 2006
GTN Bit From 3/7/06
I rarely use this site to post my actual writing, preferring to simply use it as a calendar of events or related self-promotion/ self-obsession. I do this for two reasons (1.) so I don't have to annoy people with inbox-clogging email promotions, and (2.) because who needs another blog, anyway? On the other hand, this policy tends to lead to (3.) me having no readers.
So I'm breaking with tradition (and I might do so again in the future, from time to time) to post this bit from this week's Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game. In addition to writing it, I played the key role of "vendor." It seemed to go over well, despite my dropping a line or two.
Thanks to Andres and the rest of the GTN crew for letting me play in their sandbox for a little while.
The Ironic Vendor Sketch
FRANCISCO
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to play Egg or Anguish. Where one lucky audience member will win a solid gold egg, unearthed from an ancient Mayan temple, and another audience member will die horribly, never having known true love. It's one of our most popular reoccurring segments... although honestly, I don't know how, week after week, we manage to keep finding these golden eggs. One would think there would be a finite number available for...
While Francisco has been talking, a man has entered from behind the audience, and walked up the aisle towards the stage. He carries a carton of strawberries, and a large placard that reads Free Strawberries, with quotation marks around the word "Free."
VENDOR
(extremely sarcastic voice, throughout)
Free strawberries! "Free" strawberries!
FRANCISCO
(to vendor)
Excuse... excuse me!
VENDOR
Free...
(to Francisco)
Hey man, I'm working.
The vendor climbs up on stage.
VENDOR (cont'd)
It would be a shame if someone kept me from fulfilling my duties by drawing me into a long conversation while I'm on the clock. It's not like I get paid either way.
FRANCISCO
You don't get paid...?
VENDOR
(sighs)
No, I do. What is it?
FRANCISCO
We're just trying to do a show here, and we don't traditionally have someone wandering around selling concessions-- particularly fresh fruit...
(reconsidering)
Although those strawberries do look delicious. They're free, you say?
VENDOR
Pfft. Yeah, they're "free."
FRANCISCO
Are you... are you sure?
VENDOR
No, I'm not sure. Why don't you look at the sign?
He holds up the sign.
VENDOR (cont'd)
See?
FRANCISCO
It's just that you sound awfully sarcastic, and your sign has quotes around the word "free," which leads me to believe that there are some strings attached, or that "free" is somehow meant ironically.
VENDOR
Oh, those. Yeah, the quotes are around that word because it's a quotation.
FRANCISO
A quotation.
VENDOR
Yeah.
FRANCISCO
An extremely short, one-word, quotation.
VENDOR
Yeah. Like an endorsement.
FRANCISCO
From whom?
VENDOR
Deceased character actor J.T. Walsh.
FRANCISCO
J.T. Walsh?! What was the context of this quote?
VENDOR
It was part of the sentence, "So, are these strawberries really free, or what?" Nice guy. He was great in "The Negotiator."
FRANCISCO
So the strawberries are definitely free.
VENDOR
The strawberries are definitely, positively, absolutely
(he makes air quotes)
"Free."
FRANCISCO
What was that?
VENDOR
What?
FRANCISCO
That gesture you made.
VENDOR
It was a twitch. I have Parkinson's Disease.
FRANCISCO
Oh, I'm sorry.
(he reaches for a berry)
Well, in that case I'll...
A second vendor enters from the back of the house.
SECOND VENDOR
Strawberries! Complementary strawberries! Hey!
He bounds up on stage.
SECOND VENDOR (cont'd)
Good evening sir! Are you tired of other vendors offering
(he does air quotes)
"free" strawberries? Do you crave the sweet, sun-kissed flavor of summer fruit, but don't want to deal with the mind-games of other gratis berry purveyors?
FRANCISCO
Do I ever!
SECOND VENDOR
Then take a berry, kind sir! Take a berry and fly free!
Francisco takes a berry and eats it.
SECOND VENDOR (cont'd)
That'll be $52 shipping and handling.
Music cue: "Shave and a Haircut Two Bits."
FRANCISCO
(reacting to cue)
What was that?
SECOND VENDOR
Sorry, that's my watch. I set the alarm to remind myself that I need to get a shave and a haircut. Gotta go. I'll put the berries on your tab.
He exits.
FRANCISCO
Wait!
Francisco beckons after the second vendor, but is too late. The first vendor regards Francisco with disgust.
VENDOR
Well, I hope you're happy. Your quest for sarcasm-free free berries only led to greater expenditure...
(crossing center stage, to audience)
And I hope we've all learned a valuable lesson about dramatic irony. Mainly that it's a cheap way to get out of a comedy scene. You could've had strawberries! But perhaps Earth isn't ready to believe that a close personal friend of the late J.T. Walsh would distribute fruit without regard for personal gain. Maybe mankind just needs time to mature. As for now, I must take my leave of you-- but when you think of me, think of me as a hero. A hero that for some reason really wants to give you some berries. Farewell.
He leaves the stage.
FRANCISCO
Goodbye, berry man!
VENDOR
Yeah...
(air quotes)
"whatever."
So I'm breaking with tradition (and I might do so again in the future, from time to time) to post this bit from this week's Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game. In addition to writing it, I played the key role of "vendor." It seemed to go over well, despite my dropping a line or two.
Thanks to Andres and the rest of the GTN crew for letting me play in their sandbox for a little while.
The Ironic Vendor Sketch
FRANCISCO
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to play Egg or Anguish. Where one lucky audience member will win a solid gold egg, unearthed from an ancient Mayan temple, and another audience member will die horribly, never having known true love. It's one of our most popular reoccurring segments... although honestly, I don't know how, week after week, we manage to keep finding these golden eggs. One would think there would be a finite number available for...
While Francisco has been talking, a man has entered from behind the audience, and walked up the aisle towards the stage. He carries a carton of strawberries, and a large placard that reads Free Strawberries, with quotation marks around the word "Free."
VENDOR
(extremely sarcastic voice, throughout)
Free strawberries! "Free" strawberries!
FRANCISCO
(to vendor)
Excuse... excuse me!
VENDOR
Free...
(to Francisco)
Hey man, I'm working.
The vendor climbs up on stage.
VENDOR (cont'd)
It would be a shame if someone kept me from fulfilling my duties by drawing me into a long conversation while I'm on the clock. It's not like I get paid either way.
FRANCISCO
You don't get paid...?
VENDOR
(sighs)
No, I do. What is it?
FRANCISCO
We're just trying to do a show here, and we don't traditionally have someone wandering around selling concessions-- particularly fresh fruit...
(reconsidering)
Although those strawberries do look delicious. They're free, you say?
VENDOR
Pfft. Yeah, they're "free."
FRANCISCO
Are you... are you sure?
VENDOR
No, I'm not sure. Why don't you look at the sign?
He holds up the sign.
VENDOR (cont'd)
See?
FRANCISCO
It's just that you sound awfully sarcastic, and your sign has quotes around the word "free," which leads me to believe that there are some strings attached, or that "free" is somehow meant ironically.
VENDOR
Oh, those. Yeah, the quotes are around that word because it's a quotation.
FRANCISO
A quotation.
VENDOR
Yeah.
FRANCISCO
An extremely short, one-word, quotation.
VENDOR
Yeah. Like an endorsement.
FRANCISCO
From whom?
VENDOR
Deceased character actor J.T. Walsh.
FRANCISCO
J.T. Walsh?! What was the context of this quote?
VENDOR
It was part of the sentence, "So, are these strawberries really free, or what?" Nice guy. He was great in "The Negotiator."
FRANCISCO
So the strawberries are definitely free.
VENDOR
The strawberries are definitely, positively, absolutely
(he makes air quotes)
"Free."
FRANCISCO
What was that?
VENDOR
What?
FRANCISCO
That gesture you made.
VENDOR
It was a twitch. I have Parkinson's Disease.
FRANCISCO
Oh, I'm sorry.
(he reaches for a berry)
Well, in that case I'll...
A second vendor enters from the back of the house.
SECOND VENDOR
Strawberries! Complementary strawberries! Hey!
He bounds up on stage.
SECOND VENDOR (cont'd)
Good evening sir! Are you tired of other vendors offering
(he does air quotes)
"free" strawberries? Do you crave the sweet, sun-kissed flavor of summer fruit, but don't want to deal with the mind-games of other gratis berry purveyors?
FRANCISCO
Do I ever!
SECOND VENDOR
Then take a berry, kind sir! Take a berry and fly free!
Francisco takes a berry and eats it.
SECOND VENDOR (cont'd)
That'll be $52 shipping and handling.
Music cue: "Shave and a Haircut Two Bits."
FRANCISCO
(reacting to cue)
What was that?
SECOND VENDOR
Sorry, that's my watch. I set the alarm to remind myself that I need to get a shave and a haircut. Gotta go. I'll put the berries on your tab.
He exits.
FRANCISCO
Wait!
Francisco beckons after the second vendor, but is too late. The first vendor regards Francisco with disgust.
VENDOR
Well, I hope you're happy. Your quest for sarcasm-free free berries only led to greater expenditure...
(crossing center stage, to audience)
And I hope we've all learned a valuable lesson about dramatic irony. Mainly that it's a cheap way to get out of a comedy scene. You could've had strawberries! But perhaps Earth isn't ready to believe that a close personal friend of the late J.T. Walsh would distribute fruit without regard for personal gain. Maybe mankind just needs time to mature. As for now, I must take my leave of you-- but when you think of me, think of me as a hero. A hero that for some reason really wants to give you some berries. Farewell.
He leaves the stage.
FRANCISCO
Goodbye, berry man!
VENDOR
Yeah...
(air quotes)
"whatever."
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
SSIOWY Reunion!
Big news, people. I'll turn it over to Schaefes to tell you in her own words, because I'm lazy:
"Hello friends!
This Friday, The Wiener Philharmonic graciously shares their stage with me! I will host a super special reunion special of my show, 'Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You'! The SSIOWY cast/writers will meet on stage for the first time in four months! Come find out where are they now, and if they plan on making an SSIOWY movie! Special guests include members of the Wiener Philharmonic, a hither-to-unnamed musical guest, and as always, a star of Law & Order! All the great things you've come to expect from SSIOWY, except now smothered in buttery nostalgia, Paula Deen style.
Friday, March 10, 8:00pm, $8
The People's Improv Theatre
154 W. 29th Street (6th and 7th Ave)
2,3,9,B,D,F,V,N,Q,R,W,A,C,E to 34th St."
That's right-- we only stopped doing the show four months ago, and now we're back for an all-new special. Can "A Very Sara Schaefer Christmas" and "It's Arbor Day, Sara Schaefer!" be far behind?
Will there be anything in the reunion to approach the hilarity of this photo of Dan and Sara sharing a drink from a giant goblet? You'll have to see the show to find out...
"Hello friends!
This Friday, The Wiener Philharmonic graciously shares their stage with me! I will host a super special reunion special of my show, 'Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You'! The SSIOWY cast/writers will meet on stage for the first time in four months! Come find out where are they now, and if they plan on making an SSIOWY movie! Special guests include members of the Wiener Philharmonic, a hither-to-unnamed musical guest, and as always, a star of Law & Order! All the great things you've come to expect from SSIOWY, except now smothered in buttery nostalgia, Paula Deen style.
Friday, March 10, 8:00pm, $8
The People's Improv Theatre
154 W. 29th Street (6th and 7th Ave)
2,3,9,B,D,F,V,N,Q,R,W,A,C,E to 34th St."
That's right-- we only stopped doing the show four months ago, and now we're back for an all-new special. Can "A Very Sara Schaefer Christmas" and "It's Arbor Day, Sara Schaefer!" be far behind?
Will there be anything in the reunion to approach the hilarity of this photo of Dan and Sara sharing a drink from a giant goblet? You'll have to see the show to find out...
See Me Perform Tonight!
A reminder: I will be in Andres Du Bouchet & Co.'s show Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game, doing a bit I wrote, tonight, March the 7th, at 8:00 PM at Rififi/Cinema Classics 332 E. 11th St. (between 1st & 2nd Aves.) There is one drink minimum, but drinks are cheap, and I'll seem funnier with the booze anyway.
Monday, February 27, 2006
The Countdown to Captains in Space Continues...
The gallery at the Captains in Space website has been updated. And by "updated," I mean that there are now actually pictures there. We're still aiming to have the first episode out in early March, but until then, enjoy these exclusive, behind-the-scenes shots! And you didn't even have to buy the DVD for this stuff. Dear god, we're good to you people.
There are a ton of great photos over there, but I'm leaving you with this one, because it's from Future Shock, the one out of this first cycle of episodes that I wrote. Hey, it's my blog after all.
There are a ton of great photos over there, but I'm leaving you with this one, because it's from Future Shock, the one out of this first cycle of episodes that I wrote. Hey, it's my blog after all.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Plugs = Free Stuff? Hmmn...
So, a while back, I wrote a piece for the then-still-alive-and-kicking Jest Magazine, titled Highlights From the 1st Annual Softcore Porn Awards (and boy am I ever so glad that this hi-larious article lives on via the Internet, for my mom to see). All of the movie titles and names of stars were made up except one: Misty Mundae. Those of you who are connoisseurs of late-night programming on off-brand premium cable channels like Showtime and Cinemax should recognize her from a series of titles put out by ei Independent Cinema, home of the Shock-O-Rama and Seduction Cinema imprints.
My fondness for Ms. Mundae is based on her looking like an actual, honest to god human, rather than some sort of surgical experiment. Additionally, she can actually act, as witnessed by her appearance in the recent Showtime's Masters of Horror episode "Sick Girl," directed by Lucky McKee. So I tossed her into the fake article, as a quiet little shout-out.
Months later, the completely delightful Paige Kay Davis, V.P. of Publicity at ei, contacted me to get her hands on the piece (apparently they keep all the press clippings that mention their movies/ stars). I sent her one of the now-out-of-print and sure to be a collectors' item issues (have YOU collected them all?), and, in return, she was kind enough to mail me a few DVDs. So I am now the proud owner of Bite Me, Screaming Dead, and Spiderbabe. See what comedy writing can get you, kids? It's a gold mine, I tells ya!
I am the darling of the exploitation film world.
In other news, I'm moving to another neighborhood in Brooklyn at the end of this month. Please give me all your cardboard boxes.
My fondness for Ms. Mundae is based on her looking like an actual, honest to god human, rather than some sort of surgical experiment. Additionally, she can actually act, as witnessed by her appearance in the recent Showtime's Masters of Horror episode "Sick Girl," directed by Lucky McKee. So I tossed her into the fake article, as a quiet little shout-out.
Months later, the completely delightful Paige Kay Davis, V.P. of Publicity at ei, contacted me to get her hands on the piece (apparently they keep all the press clippings that mention their movies/ stars). I sent her one of the now-out-of-print and sure to be a collectors' item issues (have YOU collected them all?), and, in return, she was kind enough to mail me a few DVDs. So I am now the proud owner of Bite Me, Screaming Dead, and Spiderbabe. See what comedy writing can get you, kids? It's a gold mine, I tells ya!
I am the darling of the exploitation film world.
In other news, I'm moving to another neighborhood in Brooklyn at the end of this month. Please give me all your cardboard boxes.
Friday, February 17, 2006
Congratulations
Just want to give a brief shout-out to friend and former manager of the gone-but-not-forgotten Juvie Hall, Erik Marcisak, who stars in a film that just made it into the Austin Film Festival. Good work, man.
Captains in Space Update and a Deranged Andy Rooneyesque Harangue
The Captains in Space website has been updated with a little more production information, and a great still of the cast (by the way, our thanks to The Apiary for making note of us last week). Check it out. The shoot was fun, despite the record-breaking snowfall, and Fed's already put together a nearly complete title sequence that looks mighty impressive, despite our budget of a dime, a thumbtack, and three dried pinto beans. This weekend I'll be recording some voice-over, announcer-y stuff, so you can look forward to my melifluous voice when the first episode hits in early March. It's all coming together, people. Start printing up those bootleg t-shirts.
Also, as it's Friday, may I remind NYC readers to pick up a copy of Metro for my friend Elliot Kalan's weekly column. It will brighten your otherwise miserable commute-- perhaps the only laughs you'll have on the subway that aren't nervous ones, as you try to avoid eye contact with the greasy guy fumbling around in his pants. I've also discovered that you can read it online here. So many ways to waste time at work...
But please, if you're reading the paper version, don't let your eyes drift down and to the right, or you might accidentally read The Metro Cartoon: It's All About You, (what a godawful, ungainly title). Is The Metro Cartoon: It's All About You the least funny comic strip in the world? (Comic strip. Comic strip, people! Multi-panel comics are strips. Cartoons are single panel, or they star Bugs Bunny. And, yeah, I realize this is a geeky thing to get annoyed about.) The answer is: not quite. But that's only because B.C.'s Johnny Hart became a born-again Christian.
Speaking of which: I'm sure thousands of people have made this observation before, but how is it that all these cavemen are Christians? It's right there in the title! B.C. Before Christ! It's like a comic about a bunch of Elizabethans standing around discussing how much they love George Washington...unless this is some sort of sci/ fi, alternate universe, where there was a Caveman Christ.
Caveman Christ. Now there's a comic I could get behind. Get on it, Metro!
Also, as it's Friday, may I remind NYC readers to pick up a copy of Metro for my friend Elliot Kalan's weekly column. It will brighten your otherwise miserable commute-- perhaps the only laughs you'll have on the subway that aren't nervous ones, as you try to avoid eye contact with the greasy guy fumbling around in his pants. I've also discovered that you can read it online here. So many ways to waste time at work...
But please, if you're reading the paper version, don't let your eyes drift down and to the right, or you might accidentally read The Metro Cartoon: It's All About You, (what a godawful, ungainly title). Is The Metro Cartoon: It's All About You the least funny comic strip in the world? (Comic strip. Comic strip, people! Multi-panel comics are strips. Cartoons are single panel, or they star Bugs Bunny. And, yeah, I realize this is a geeky thing to get annoyed about.) The answer is: not quite. But that's only because B.C.'s Johnny Hart became a born-again Christian.
Speaking of which: I'm sure thousands of people have made this observation before, but how is it that all these cavemen are Christians? It's right there in the title! B.C. Before Christ! It's like a comic about a bunch of Elizabethans standing around discussing how much they love George Washington...unless this is some sort of sci/ fi, alternate universe, where there was a Caveman Christ.
Caveman Christ. Now there's a comic I could get behind. Get on it, Metro!
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Rejection Receives Recognition
Thanks to comedy superfan Rachel Kramer Bussel's sharp eyes*, I was alerted to this story. Some Associated Press reporters were at the performance of The Rejection Show I mentioned previously, the one that featured a short film by my old fake boss Sara Schaefer (in which I had an approximately 20-second cameo), and wrote up a piece about it.
It's a nice article, and it even comes with a little video you can check out.
*which you can witness, bespectacled, in the aforementioned video.
It's a nice article, and it even comes with a little video you can check out.
*which you can witness, bespectacled, in the aforementioned video.
March Madness... or at least mild depression
For those of you who like to plan your calendar three weeks in advance, take note: I will be performing in Andres Du Bouchet & Co.'s fantastic variety show Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game on March the 7th, at 8:00 PM. I will be acting in a bit that I wrote, essaying the character of "Sarcastic Strawberry Vendor." Make of that what you will.
If you've never seen the show before, just know that it's one of the best and funniest comedy shows in the city, an opinion I held long before I got the chance to contribute anything to it.
The show is every Tuesday at Rififi/Cinema Classics 332 E. 11th St. (between 1st & 2nd Aves.)There is one drink minimum, but with $3 MGD on tap, I think you can swing it.
If you've never seen the show before, just know that it's one of the best and funniest comedy shows in the city, an opinion I held long before I got the chance to contribute anything to it.
The show is every Tuesday at Rififi/Cinema Classics 332 E. 11th St. (between 1st & 2nd Aves.)There is one drink minimum, but with $3 MGD on tap, I think you can swing it.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Finalist! The Sequel!
Another one of my TV spec scripts has (sort of) won an award.
My Simpsons spec, "Jesus Christ Superstation," was a semi-finalist in Scriptapalooza's TV writing competition, one of the largest of its kind. (This year they received a total of 806 scripts - 241 pilots, 230 1 hour episodics and 335 sitcoms.)
Mine was the only one of the finalists that was a Simpsons script. Some might say that this was because I was the only person dumb enough to spec for a more-than-ten-years-old show. I like to think that it's because I was the only person talented enough to put a new spin on a more-than-ten-years-old show. Y'know. We all tell ourselves lies to survive.
This is my second spec, and the second to (sort of) win an award. (The continuing parenthetical interjections seek to acknowledge that the question of whether or not being a finalist constitutes winning anything is debatable.) Two out of two ain't bad.
Now can someone hire me? Or at least get me a damn agent?
My Simpsons spec, "Jesus Christ Superstation," was a semi-finalist in Scriptapalooza's TV writing competition, one of the largest of its kind. (This year they received a total of 806 scripts - 241 pilots, 230 1 hour episodics and 335 sitcoms.)
Mine was the only one of the finalists that was a Simpsons script. Some might say that this was because I was the only person dumb enough to spec for a more-than-ten-years-old show. I like to think that it's because I was the only person talented enough to put a new spin on a more-than-ten-years-old show. Y'know. We all tell ourselves lies to survive.
This is my second spec, and the second to (sort of) win an award. (The continuing parenthetical interjections seek to acknowledge that the question of whether or not being a finalist constitutes winning anything is debatable.) Two out of two ain't bad.
Now can someone hire me? Or at least get me a damn agent?
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
May I Remind You...
...that the always lovely Sara Schaefer will be screening a five-minute comedy short, with a cameo appearance by the always-lovely me, at tonight's Rejection Show.
That is all.
That is all.
Monday, February 06, 2006
"Captains" Website is Live!
So, the website for Captains is up and running. There's currently not that much content there, since we haven't actually shot any of the episodes yet, but it's still pretty neat. Go to http://www.captainsinspace.com/ to check it out. You can read a little about the concept and get bios of the people involved, and the front page is a blog where (I'm just assuming, since Fed is the webmaster) production news will be updated as we progress.
One of the more exciting pieces of news is that Andrea Rosen will be appearing in Future Shock, one of the episodes I wrote. You may have seen her in a reoccuring role in the very funny Stella on Comedy Central, a show I hope will return for a second season, although perhaps it's been shunted off to make room for more episodes of "Distraction" or 12 hours of Mad TV reruns. You know... for kids.
Anyway, to sum up, here are the things that you'll be able to find on the Captains website as of now:
-A spiffy logo
-A series synopsis
-Gratuitous use of the word "space"
-An email address for you to spam
-A reference to a "sexy onboard computer"
-Bios of the cast, crew, and writers
-Including a bio of Devon T. Coleman which is funnier than the boilerplate bio I contributed. What's that guy's problem, anyway?
-A photo of me holding a martini and a cat
Things you won't be able to find on the Captains website:
-Nude photos of any of the above (aside from the aforementioned cat)
-Actual episodes of the show
But they're coming, friends! (Uh... the episodes, not the nude photos.) We hope by early March. Keep checking in.
One of the more exciting pieces of news is that Andrea Rosen will be appearing in Future Shock, one of the episodes I wrote. You may have seen her in a reoccuring role in the very funny Stella on Comedy Central, a show I hope will return for a second season, although perhaps it's been shunted off to make room for more episodes of "Distraction" or 12 hours of Mad TV reruns. You know... for kids.
Anyway, to sum up, here are the things that you'll be able to find on the Captains website as of now:
-A spiffy logo
-A series synopsis
-Gratuitous use of the word "space"
-An email address for you to spam
-A reference to a "sexy onboard computer"
-Bios of the cast, crew, and writers
-Including a bio of Devon T. Coleman which is funnier than the boilerplate bio I contributed. What's that guy's problem, anyway?
-A photo of me holding a martini and a cat
Things you won't be able to find on the Captains website:
-Nude photos of any of the above (aside from the aforementioned cat)
-Actual episodes of the show
But they're coming, friends! (Uh... the episodes, not the nude photos.) We hope by early March. Keep checking in.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
If You're Bored of Me
It's not personal news, but I wanted to give a couple of plugs to some certified F.O.D.'s.
First off, if you're in NYC, you should pick up a copy of Metro, one of the many free dailies that accompany bored subway riders on their daily commutes. Why? (Other than the thrilling expose on how men want to sleep with Jessica Alba?) Because Elliot Kalan, associate producer on The Daily Show and host of The New Kalan Show (formerly "The Midnight Kalan," on which I had the pleasure of appearing, for the "Night of Stallone" show) is now contributing a weekly column. And today is the kick-off piece. According to insider sources (read: Elliott), the column should appear every Friday hereafter. So rejoice, commuters! Three minutes of your day just got a lot more interesting!
Also: what has Sara Schaefer been doing, since the shuttering of Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You? She's been doing some solo performances around the city (the SSIOWY staff got together for a mini-reunion to enjoy her act at Variety Underground a couple of weeks ago). I'd like to highlight one particular performance: her upcoming appearance at The Rejection Show.
The Rejection Show
February 7th @ 8:30PM, $10
Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction
34 Avenue A (2nd and 3rd St.)
Tickets available in advance via Ticketweb.com or call or visit the Mo Pitkin's box office at (212) 777-5660
F or V to Second Ave.
Other people presenting rejections: Michael Showalter (Stella, The State, The Baxter), Peter Hyman (The Reluctant Metrosexual, Spin Magazine), and New Yorker Cartoonists!
Sara will be presenting a rejected Channel 102 pilot, which, as a bonus for the Whither Laffs reader, features about 30 seconds of me. See the music video where I took an ostensibly comedic pratfall, the scar from which I can still see on my shoulder.
Hooray for friends. Woo woo.
First off, if you're in NYC, you should pick up a copy of Metro, one of the many free dailies that accompany bored subway riders on their daily commutes. Why? (Other than the thrilling expose on how men want to sleep with Jessica Alba?) Because Elliot Kalan, associate producer on The Daily Show and host of The New Kalan Show (formerly "The Midnight Kalan," on which I had the pleasure of appearing, for the "Night of Stallone" show) is now contributing a weekly column. And today is the kick-off piece. According to insider sources (read: Elliott), the column should appear every Friday hereafter. So rejoice, commuters! Three minutes of your day just got a lot more interesting!
Also: what has Sara Schaefer been doing, since the shuttering of Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You? She's been doing some solo performances around the city (the SSIOWY staff got together for a mini-reunion to enjoy her act at Variety Underground a couple of weeks ago). I'd like to highlight one particular performance: her upcoming appearance at The Rejection Show.
The Rejection Show
February 7th @ 8:30PM, $10
Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction
34 Avenue A (2nd and 3rd St.)
Tickets available in advance via Ticketweb.com or call or visit the Mo Pitkin's box office at (212) 777-5660
F or V to Second Ave.
Other people presenting rejections: Michael Showalter (Stella, The State, The Baxter), Peter Hyman (The Reluctant Metrosexual, Spin Magazine), and New Yorker Cartoonists!
Sara will be presenting a rejected Channel 102 pilot, which, as a bonus for the Whither Laffs reader, features about 30 seconds of me. See the music video where I took an ostensibly comedic pratfall, the scar from which I can still see on my shoulder.
Hooray for friends. Woo woo.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
"Update, or: In Which I, Your Humble Host, Hit You Over the Head with a Four-by-Four"
As promised, here is the information about my appearance on Saturday:
Eric Zuckerman and I will be hosting 4x4, a series of four ten-minute comic plays (why that doesn't make it 4x10, god only knows), at the Gotham City Improv.
Cost: $10 (or $2.50/ play)
Time: Saturday, January 28, at 8:30 (length of show approx. 1 hour)
Location: 158 West 23rd St., 2F (above Monster Sushi)
Directions: Take the C. E, N, R, 1, 9 or F to 23rd Street then walk towards 7th Ave.
Mr. Z and I will be hosting as Caine and Hoskins-- meaning that I will be doing my inimitable Michael Caine impression and Zuckerman will be doing his incredible Bob Hoskins impression... which got me to thinking: have these two Cockeney acting titans ever done a movie together? And if not, some producer needs to get the two of them together IMMEDIATELY. It turns out that they have done one film together, Neil Jordan's 1986 British gangster-romance, "Mona Lisa." But they were hardly co-stars. I was thinking something more on the order of this:
Eric Zuckerman and I will be hosting 4x4, a series of four ten-minute comic plays (why that doesn't make it 4x10, god only knows), at the Gotham City Improv.
Cost: $10 (or $2.50/ play)
Time: Saturday, January 28, at 8:30 (length of show approx. 1 hour)
Location: 158 West 23rd St., 2F (above Monster Sushi)
Directions: Take the C. E, N, R, 1, 9 or F to 23rd Street then walk towards 7th Ave.
Mr. Z and I will be hosting as Caine and Hoskins-- meaning that I will be doing my inimitable Michael Caine impression and Zuckerman will be doing his incredible Bob Hoskins impression... which got me to thinking: have these two Cockeney acting titans ever done a movie together? And if not, some producer needs to get the two of them together IMMEDIATELY. It turns out that they have done one film together, Neil Jordan's 1986 British gangster-romance, "Mona Lisa." But they were hardly co-stars. I was thinking something more on the order of this:
CAINE.................... HOSKINS
in
LIMEYS!
Or, even better...
CAINE.................... HOSKINS
in
BLIMEY!
Could be great...
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
In the Bleak Midwinter
Well, it's been a while since I've updated this thing, and that's not because I've forgotten you, dear reader (how could I ever forget YOU?), but because there's not much that's been going on. I've allowed myself to succumb to post-holiday laziness. However, things should be picking up from here, and if you've been jonesing for some Dan-related comedy (which puts you in about the one-millionth of one percent of the population-- although, luckily, most of that percentage knows about this calendar/ blog), then you're in luck.
Yes, in my first performance since 2005, I will be appearing this Saturday evening from 8:30-9:30, co-hosting a slate of four ten-minute plays... the perfect length for a play, in my easily-distracted opinion. My partner in this endeavor will be one Mr. Eric Zuckerman, whom you may know as "Doomsday Guy" from the 4th highest-grossing film of the year*, War of the Worlds. That's right. I'll be sharing the stage with someone who has recieved valuable direction from Mr. Steven Spielberg himself-- direction that possibly included, "Look over there," and, "Louder."
I don't know all the details just yet (Mr. Z is running point on this operation and he has yet to apprise me of all the ins and outs) but I wanted to warn you immediately, in case you needed to clear your already sparse Saturday-evening calendar. As soon as I know all the salient information, I'll post it right here.
In other news, following my semi-award winning TV spec scripts that have completely failed to win me an agent as of yet, I've decided to write a screenplay. Just as soon as I, y'know... figure out how to do that.
Also, production is underway on multiple episodes of the video podcast "Captains," mentioned in the link bar to the right of your screen. It's a little comedy sci/fi series being put together by my friend Fed, his friend Adam, Mr. Devon T. Coleman, and yours truly. I'll give you more details as production progresses, but we're hoping that the first episode might be available by late February or early March, at which point the aforementioned link will become active, and the wealthy among you can enjoy our shenanigans via your video iPod, the middle class can enjoy our shenanigans via your computers' Quicktime video programs, and the poor can enjoy distorted re-tellings of our shenanigans while huddled around the Tang-cooler.
In other news, I am irredemably self-obsessed.
*According to the Entertainment Weekly I read on the subway this morning.
Yes, in my first performance since 2005, I will be appearing this Saturday evening from 8:30-9:30, co-hosting a slate of four ten-minute plays... the perfect length for a play, in my easily-distracted opinion. My partner in this endeavor will be one Mr. Eric Zuckerman, whom you may know as "Doomsday Guy" from the 4th highest-grossing film of the year*, War of the Worlds. That's right. I'll be sharing the stage with someone who has recieved valuable direction from Mr. Steven Spielberg himself-- direction that possibly included, "Look over there," and, "Louder."
I don't know all the details just yet (Mr. Z is running point on this operation and he has yet to apprise me of all the ins and outs) but I wanted to warn you immediately, in case you needed to clear your already sparse Saturday-evening calendar. As soon as I know all the salient information, I'll post it right here.
In other news, following my semi-award winning TV spec scripts that have completely failed to win me an agent as of yet, I've decided to write a screenplay. Just as soon as I, y'know... figure out how to do that.
Also, production is underway on multiple episodes of the video podcast "Captains," mentioned in the link bar to the right of your screen. It's a little comedy sci/fi series being put together by my friend Fed, his friend Adam, Mr. Devon T. Coleman, and yours truly. I'll give you more details as production progresses, but we're hoping that the first episode might be available by late February or early March, at which point the aforementioned link will become active, and the wealthy among you can enjoy our shenanigans via your video iPod, the middle class can enjoy our shenanigans via your computers' Quicktime video programs, and the poor can enjoy distorted re-tellings of our shenanigans while huddled around the Tang-cooler.
In other news, I am irredemably self-obsessed.
*According to the Entertainment Weekly I read on the subway this morning.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Please, Kill Me!
So I sent some pitches to MAD Magazine a while back, one of which they liked; and I did a little back and forth with them on a couple of drafts. Anyway, ultimately they decided that they didn't want to use the piece, but they liked what I'd done and wanted to give me something for my work, so they're going to pay me a $100 "kill fee." Cool. This is the first time I've been paid for writing something that didn't get published (well, that's not true-- I think Jest may have paid me for a piece that didn't get published because they folded before they could use it, but at least they intended to use it). Anyway, what a cool move on MAD Magazine's part. And I'm still hoping to write something sometime that they'll actually print, so stay tuned.
I was going to make a joke about never getting paid for nothing before... but, sadly, I'm familiar with the joys of unemployment checks. All things considered, I'd rather be paid to not get published.
I was going to make a joke about never getting paid for nothing before... but, sadly, I'm familiar with the joys of unemployment checks. All things considered, I'd rather be paid to not get published.
Monday, December 19, 2005
A Note From the Church Basement Guys, About Tonight's Show
Hello All and Happy Holidays,
Cold weather getting you down? Sick and tired of all the crowds and shopping? Laid off from your job as a mall Santa and forced to choose between buying food and prescription medication? Us too. Well, there's only one cure for those holiday blues: Church Basement's Final Show of 2005/Holiday Extravaganza!! That's right, this Monday at Church Basement we'll be freaking bursting with cheer. We'll also be giving away cookies and candy canes. And the bar will be serving HOME MADE EGG NOG with.....FRESH NUTMEG! Plus, we'll have our usual lineup of stellar guests. This week we welcome:
Kurt Braunohler- Co-host of the wildly popular and critically acclaimed variety show Hot Tub, as well as the co-creator of the amazing guerrilla street theatre that is Chengwin.
We've also got Seth Herzog, downtown favorite and host of Sweet. You've also seen him on VH1, the TV show Stella, and the movies Prime and The Baxter. He'll rock you good.
And we're welcoming back Basement favorite Dan McCoy. A writer for Jest and NPR, Dan has been with us almost from the start and is actually more popular than the hosts.
And last only alphabetically, we're bringing you John Phillips, founding member of the Hi-larious sketch comedy group Trophy Dad and all around super guy.
All I can say is, "Wow." In fact, I can't say it. Much like Orthodox Jews who dare not utter the name of G_D, I fear that if I speak of this Basement out loud, its unimaginable power may very well strike me down.
But that's not all. As a special treat, Monday night's show will feature the return of everybody's favorite Robot Cater Waiter, Zeep Zorp singing a special holiday song with Matt Yeager on the guitar. And stick around after the show for more egg nog and all-around holiday carousing. It's gonna be a party. We'll see you Monday night at 8pm sharp.
Your Hosts,
Nick Higgins, Jack Kukoda, and Matt Yeager
--
http://www.churchbasement.com/
Church Basement Reading Series
@ Micky's Blue Room
Ave. C btw. 10th & 11th
8pm
Free!
Cold weather getting you down? Sick and tired of all the crowds and shopping? Laid off from your job as a mall Santa and forced to choose between buying food and prescription medication? Us too. Well, there's only one cure for those holiday blues: Church Basement's Final Show of 2005/Holiday Extravaganza!! That's right, this Monday at Church Basement we'll be freaking bursting with cheer. We'll also be giving away cookies and candy canes. And the bar will be serving HOME MADE EGG NOG with.....FRESH NUTMEG! Plus, we'll have our usual lineup of stellar guests. This week we welcome:
Kurt Braunohler- Co-host of the wildly popular and critically acclaimed variety show Hot Tub, as well as the co-creator of the amazing guerrilla street theatre that is Chengwin.
We've also got Seth Herzog, downtown favorite and host of Sweet. You've also seen him on VH1, the TV show Stella, and the movies Prime and The Baxter. He'll rock you good.
And we're welcoming back Basement favorite Dan McCoy. A writer for Jest and NPR, Dan has been with us almost from the start and is actually more popular than the hosts.
And last only alphabetically, we're bringing you John Phillips, founding member of the Hi-larious sketch comedy group Trophy Dad and all around super guy.
All I can say is, "Wow." In fact, I can't say it. Much like Orthodox Jews who dare not utter the name of G_D, I fear that if I speak of this Basement out loud, its unimaginable power may very well strike me down.
But that's not all. As a special treat, Monday night's show will feature the return of everybody's favorite Robot Cater Waiter, Zeep Zorp singing a special holiday song with Matt Yeager on the guitar. And stick around after the show for more egg nog and all-around holiday carousing. It's gonna be a party. We'll see you Monday night at 8pm sharp.
Your Hosts,
Nick Higgins, Jack Kukoda, and Matt Yeager
--
http://www.churchbasement.com/
Church Basement Reading Series
@ Micky's Blue Room
Ave. C btw. 10th & 11th
8pm
Free!
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Celebrating (to) the End
Last night's party to celebrate the end of Juvie Hall was pretty awesome, and shame on you if you didn't come.
"But Dan! I had work Tuesday morn..."
A-bup-bup-bup! You're dead to me.
The details are hazy (it was held in a bar), but I seem to remember doing a long interpretive dance, with intermittant short beverage breaks, with Autumn Clark, and having a lengthy argument with Eric Zuckerman, in which he took the role of Bob Hoskins and I essayed the role of Michael Caine.
You know, the usual annoying performer jackass stuff. But fun.
As for Juvie Hall, it will be sorely missed. Should auld acquaintance be forgot, etc. etc. But before it's gone forever, check out my last few posts, and come see me perform there this weekend.
And thank you Erik Marcisak for driving me home, so I need not brave the subways while cold, tired, and tipsy. Has the E train made its last exit to Brooklyn?
"But Dan! I had work Tuesday morn..."
A-bup-bup-bup! You're dead to me.
The details are hazy (it was held in a bar), but I seem to remember doing a long interpretive dance, with intermittant short beverage breaks, with Autumn Clark, and having a lengthy argument with Eric Zuckerman, in which he took the role of Bob Hoskins and I essayed the role of Michael Caine.
You know, the usual annoying performer jackass stuff. But fun.
As for Juvie Hall, it will be sorely missed. Should auld acquaintance be forgot, etc. etc. But before it's gone forever, check out my last few posts, and come see me perform there this weekend.
And thank you Erik Marcisak for driving me home, so I need not brave the subways while cold, tired, and tipsy. Has the E train made its last exit to Brooklyn?
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Breaking News Sure to Bring the Utmost Excitement!
I have just been tapped to contribute a bit to famed Daily Show production assistant Elliott Kalan's excellent unscripted late-night talk show The Midnight Kalan!
This will be the LAST Midnight Kalan at Juvie Hall before the theater shuts down for good.
What lies ahead for Elliott in the New Year? God only knows. Well, we do have some clues-- according to his website, there will be "coming in 2006: Elliott Kalan's Untitled Comedy Event Talk Show." Intriguing.
But that's in THE FUTURE. What does Elliott have on tap for the final show? Again, we consult the official word from his website:
"A NIGHT WITH STALLONE"
Midnight Kalan goes out with a Sylvester-Stallone-fueled bang!
December 16 at 12 AM.
Tickets ONLY $5, and each ticket entitles you to 1 slice of pizza and 8 oz. of soda.
24 Bond Street (Under the Gene Frankel Theater) (Between Bowery and Lafayette)
Can you afford to miss it?
December 16 at 12 AM.
Tickets ONLY $5, and each ticket entitles you to 1 slice of pizza and 8 oz. of soda.
24 Bond Street (Under the Gene Frankel Theater) (Between Bowery and Lafayette)
Can you afford to miss it?
The New Issue of Ducts is Online
The new issue of Ducts.org, the literary webzine edited by my friend and former comedy-team-mate, Jonathan Kravetz is now online. I edit the humor section, and would like to draw your attention, in particular, to the "Tribute to Spam," by the inimitable Andres Du Bouchet (of Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There Is a Game); "Movin' Out: The Rough Draft," by my partner in crime Rob Bates; and my own contribution, "Class Notes."
Also, if you poke around the rest of the 'zine, you can see illustrations by yours truly, that run the gamut from competent to passable. Yay!
Also, if you poke around the rest of the 'zine, you can see illustrations by yours truly, that run the gamut from competent to passable. Yay!
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Grand Falls Community Council, Friday the 16th at 8 PM, Juvie Hall
I have a small part in a one-night-only comedy show that the lovely Laura Buchholtz has written and is producing/ directing, called "The Grand Falls Community Council." Come see it at Juvie Hall on Friday the 16th at 8 PM, for a mere $7. Come out to the theater at 24 Bond Street between Bowery and Lafayette for some special limited-edition comedy before the holidays.
Edited 12/ 10 to reflect Laura's helpful update.
Edited 12/ 10 to reflect Laura's helpful update.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Voluminous End-of-November Update
Hey kids...
It's been a while since I've posted anything on here. I apologize. Although I don't know why I'm apologizing to you, my few readers. I have no obligation to post on my blog. I should be apologizing to me. I'm only hurting myself, since I started this blog to let people know when and where I'd be performing, or if there was a bit of my writing that I wanted to draw your attention to, or whatever. So I've failed myself. Sorry Dan.
But now I'm back. And ready to write a long blog entry with lots and lots of parentheses.
Anyway, the reason why I haven't written anything in a while, is that I'm in a period of transition. As you probably know, Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You ended on November 11 (you can read what Sara has to say about it here). It was an awesome last show, and it was an awesome show in general. Thanks to Sara, who is one of the sweetest, funniest, all-around-best people I know, for getting me involved with it. Still, having it end has been sad, and it's sort of made me wonder what I should do next. I'm at a crossroads, if you will (if you will allow me to be pretentious, that is).
What's next for me? That's what I'm trying to decide. Recently I contributed (for the first time) a bit to Andres Du Bouchet's excellent show Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game. It went over okay, I think (at least, it didn't stick out like a sore thumb), and I hope to contribute more material to that show, whenever they'll have me (although I won't have the sort of "official" involvement that I had with SSIOWY). Jest.com doesn't appear to be updating anymore, but I hope to be involved in an all-new comedy website soon-- although I can't yet give any details. My friend Fed is planning a series of comedy podcasts, a TV series in online form, and I'm going to be one of the writers for that (and I may show up in a guest spot or two). More news on that as it develops. I'm also planning to write a screenplay, just as soon as I can figure out what I want to write about. If anyone pitches an idea to me that I decide to use, I promise to give them 1% of any money I make from the sale of said theoretical script. 1% of a likely $0.00! You can't beat that, so send those ideas in! Maybe I'll do some more stand-up. There's been some vague discussion of a sketch group with some friends of mine. And I've been taking the "Writing for The Daily Show" class over at The P.I.T. So feel free to hire me, Daily Show. But as for a solid new direction, who knows?
Anyway, in the meantime, if you're jonesing for your Dan fix, you can see me at Church Basement on December the 19th at 8 PM. I'll be delivering a couple of my high-larious essays at this bi-monthly reading series, at Mickey's Blue Room on Avenue C between 10th and 1th Streets. Also, if you want to see me at a more social, but still comedy-related, function, you can come to the party to celebrate/ mourn the sad end of Juvie Hall. It's at Slainte (directions behind the link) starting at 7 PM on December 19. You'll recognize me. I'll be the one crying into my beer.
And now, to reward you for slogging through all of that text, here are some photographs of the final Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, courtesy of one of my SSIOWY co-writers, the inimitable Kara Lee Burk:
Oh, the misty watercolored memories...
It's been a while since I've posted anything on here. I apologize. Although I don't know why I'm apologizing to you, my few readers. I have no obligation to post on my blog. I should be apologizing to me. I'm only hurting myself, since I started this blog to let people know when and where I'd be performing, or if there was a bit of my writing that I wanted to draw your attention to, or whatever. So I've failed myself. Sorry Dan.
But now I'm back. And ready to write a long blog entry with lots and lots of parentheses.
Anyway, the reason why I haven't written anything in a while, is that I'm in a period of transition. As you probably know, Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You ended on November 11 (you can read what Sara has to say about it here). It was an awesome last show, and it was an awesome show in general. Thanks to Sara, who is one of the sweetest, funniest, all-around-best people I know, for getting me involved with it. Still, having it end has been sad, and it's sort of made me wonder what I should do next. I'm at a crossroads, if you will (if you will allow me to be pretentious, that is).
What's next for me? That's what I'm trying to decide. Recently I contributed (for the first time) a bit to Andres Du Bouchet's excellent show Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game. It went over okay, I think (at least, it didn't stick out like a sore thumb), and I hope to contribute more material to that show, whenever they'll have me (although I won't have the sort of "official" involvement that I had with SSIOWY). Jest.com doesn't appear to be updating anymore, but I hope to be involved in an all-new comedy website soon-- although I can't yet give any details. My friend Fed is planning a series of comedy podcasts, a TV series in online form, and I'm going to be one of the writers for that (and I may show up in a guest spot or two). More news on that as it develops. I'm also planning to write a screenplay, just as soon as I can figure out what I want to write about. If anyone pitches an idea to me that I decide to use, I promise to give them 1% of any money I make from the sale of said theoretical script. 1% of a likely $0.00! You can't beat that, so send those ideas in! Maybe I'll do some more stand-up. There's been some vague discussion of a sketch group with some friends of mine. And I've been taking the "Writing for The Daily Show" class over at The P.I.T. So feel free to hire me, Daily Show. But as for a solid new direction, who knows?
Anyway, in the meantime, if you're jonesing for your Dan fix, you can see me at Church Basement on December the 19th at 8 PM. I'll be delivering a couple of my high-larious essays at this bi-monthly reading series, at Mickey's Blue Room on Avenue C between 10th and 1th Streets. Also, if you want to see me at a more social, but still comedy-related, function, you can come to the party to celebrate/ mourn the sad end of Juvie Hall. It's at Slainte (directions behind the link) starting at 7 PM on December 19. You'll recognize me. I'll be the one crying into my beer.
And now, to reward you for slogging through all of that text, here are some photographs of the final Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, courtesy of one of my SSIOWY co-writers, the inimitable Kara Lee Burk:
Oh, the misty watercolored memories...
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Obsessed... NO MORE!
As The Apiary reported recently Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You is soon to be no more. This Friday, November the 11th, at 8 PM, the final SSIOWY will kick off, and when it's done, that's it. After two critically acclaimed years (1/4 of which featured me) the show is done.
Why? Because all good things must eventually die, little cricket. But that doesn't make them any less sweet. Ah sweet comedy show, we hardly knew ye. Perhaps your death will fertilize the ground for many comedy shows to come.
Plus, now that Sara's married, she just can't be as obsessed with you anymore. Sorry, that's just the way things go. She's so over you. Why can't you move on?
Still, that doesn't mean that you and she can't have one last fling, for old times' sake. Snag a ticket if you can. And if they're sold out, fear not. The waiting list for SSIOWY usually gets a few extra people in the door, so if you're interested, show up at eight and slap your name on that puppy.
Juvie Hall Sketch Comedy Theatre
24 Bond Street, btw Bowery & Lafayette
Tickets $8, through Smarttix 212-868-4444, www.smarttix.com, or at the door
Meanwhile, does anyone want to give me a job? Comedy or otherwise?
Why? Because all good things must eventually die, little cricket. But that doesn't make them any less sweet. Ah sweet comedy show, we hardly knew ye. Perhaps your death will fertilize the ground for many comedy shows to come.
Plus, now that Sara's married, she just can't be as obsessed with you anymore. Sorry, that's just the way things go. She's so over you. Why can't you move on?
Still, that doesn't mean that you and she can't have one last fling, for old times' sake. Snag a ticket if you can. And if they're sold out, fear not. The waiting list for SSIOWY usually gets a few extra people in the door, so if you're interested, show up at eight and slap your name on that puppy.
Juvie Hall Sketch Comedy Theatre
24 Bond Street, btw Bowery & Lafayette
Tickets $8, through Smarttix 212-868-4444, www.smarttix.com, or at the door
Meanwhile, does anyone want to give me a job? Comedy or otherwise?
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Oh, The Things That I've Written!
My 2nd "Can't Miss Movie Pitch" column is up at Jest.com. Read it, if time weighs heavy on your hands.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Cocktail Hour a SMASHing Success
The Cocktail Hour website has an episode guide up, detailing the episode for which I was a guest. I'd like to point out that any drinking game I was playing was unintentional. It may have looked like I was taking a drink whenever anyone talked, but I was merely following my usual policy of taking a drink every 2.5 seconds. Obviously. 
This is the hit sketch team Frowned Upon, otherwise known as D'Arce and Dev of The Cocktail Hour fame. Devon is the one in the cart, and D'Arcy is the one denying him the bag of dehydrated lentils he so desperately wants.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Jest.com is Officially Up
Although again, this isn't so much news since The Apiary mentioned our soft launch over two weeks ago (damn you, The Apiary, and your tireless Internet comedy journalism!), the new Jest.com is officially up and running. Our soft launch has gotten hard, if you will. 
I didn't want to mention it here before it was time, but our esteemed editor Frank Santopadre just removed our gag order. So here it is! Now those pining for the late, lamented Jest Magazine can get much the same thing in a much less respected format. (Suggested slogan: "It's On the Internet. You Know, Where Anyone Can Get Published!") On the other hand, now you can finally read it at work, without having to hide it inside a bulky three-ring binder, plus my friends from all across the country can see it for the first time.
I have a few pieces up there already. Check out my "Highlights From the 1st Annual Soft-Core Porn Awards." Or look at the first installment of what will theoretically be a weekly column, "Can't Miss Movie Pitches." ('Theoretically' in the sense that it will likely continue until I, or you, get tired of it.)
Plus my status has been bumped up from "regular contributor" to the much more exciting "regular contributor with a silly picture on the website." I still get paid the same per-piece rate, though. So start buying Jest merchandise, so we can shamelessly dilute the integrity of the product and begin getting rich off this thing.
In conclusion, Jest.com is one of the few places that pays me to write. Granted, they don't pay much, but their intentions are good. Please: support me by supporting them. If you continue to support such endeavors, then perhaps together we can eventually create a better world, where I don't have a shitty day job.
I didn't want to mention it here before it was time, but our esteemed editor Frank Santopadre just removed our gag order. So here it is! Now those pining for the late, lamented Jest Magazine can get much the same thing in a much less respected format. (Suggested slogan: "It's On the Internet. You Know, Where Anyone Can Get Published!") On the other hand, now you can finally read it at work, without having to hide it inside a bulky three-ring binder, plus my friends from all across the country can see it for the first time.
I have a few pieces up there already. Check out my "Highlights From the 1st Annual Soft-Core Porn Awards." Or look at the first installment of what will theoretically be a weekly column, "Can't Miss Movie Pitches." ('Theoretically' in the sense that it will likely continue until I, or you, get tired of it.)
Plus my status has been bumped up from "regular contributor" to the much more exciting "regular contributor with a silly picture on the website." I still get paid the same per-piece rate, though. So start buying Jest merchandise, so we can shamelessly dilute the integrity of the product and begin getting rich off this thing.
In conclusion, Jest.com is one of the few places that pays me to write. Granted, they don't pay much, but their intentions are good. Please: support me by supporting them. If you continue to support such endeavors, then perhaps together we can eventually create a better world, where I don't have a shitty day job.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Congratulations, Amanda!
I was keeping this under my hat for a while, until I was completely sure it was okay to say something, but since The Apiary has reported on it, I suppose there's no reason not to go ahead and post this:
Huge congratulations are in order for Amanda Melson, my friend and fellow Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You writer, who recently landed an honest-to-goodness job writing comedy for television. She's working on Greg Giraldo's Friday night evening of stand-up, on Comedy Central, which you can see starting this Friday at 8:30 PM. Just last week she got to live out the comedian's dream of dropping her day job for a dream job, and they've already put her to work spinning comedy gold.
Instead of the bitter gnashing of teeth that traditionally comes with a peer's success, I feel only great joy regarding Amanda's new position. Why? (You may well ask.) Because Amanda's the bees knees, foolish blog-reader! She's funny and quick with a brilliant comedic suggestion, but never precious about her own stuff, and she's one of the kindest people I know. She's paid her dues, people! She deserves every success. I simply cannot say enough good things.
So congratulations, Amanda. We're proud of you.
(And everyone who's not Amanda-- come on down to SSIOWY this Saturday at 8 to see Amanda in action, before she becomes too big to ever talk to us again.)
Huge congratulations are in order for Amanda Melson, my friend and fellow Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You writer, who recently landed an honest-to-goodness job writing comedy for television. She's working on Greg Giraldo's Friday night evening of stand-up, on Comedy Central, which you can see starting this Friday at 8:30 PM. Just last week she got to live out the comedian's dream of dropping her day job for a dream job, and they've already put her to work spinning comedy gold.
Instead of the bitter gnashing of teeth that traditionally comes with a peer's success, I feel only great joy regarding Amanda's new position. Why? (You may well ask.) Because Amanda's the bees knees, foolish blog-reader! She's funny and quick with a brilliant comedic suggestion, but never precious about her own stuff, and she's one of the kindest people I know. She's paid her dues, people! She deserves every success. I simply cannot say enough good things.
So congratulations, Amanda. We're proud of you.
(And everyone who's not Amanda-- come on down to SSIOWY this Saturday at 8 to see Amanda in action, before she becomes too big to ever talk to us again.)
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Two Big Shows This Week
In Sara's own words:
This coming Saturday, October 1, we've got a HUGE SSIOWY planned!
We've got cooking, great music, my bachelorette party, Law & Order - what more can you want? Come celebrate afterwards at Slainte, both to celebrate almost 2 years of doing SSIOWY, and to send Chris and I off as we are leaving to get married on Oct 6! If all that wasn't enough, some important people are coming, so if you've been meaning to come check it out, Oct 1 is the one!
Here are the details:
SARA SCHAEFER IS OBSESSED WITH YOU
Saturday, October 1, 8 p.m.
CELEBRITY GUEST: Laurie Woolever, Cook / Food Writer - Laurie will be doing a live cooking segment on the show! (Laurie was also the assistant to Mario Batali and also a cook for many famous types, so she will have many juicy stories to tell!)
MUSICAL GUEST: Valley Lodge - do NOT miss this band, they are fantastic and did I mention adorable?
AND AS ALWAYS...SOMEONE FROM LAW & ORDER!
WHERE: Juvie Hall Sketch Comedy Theatre, At The Gene Frankel Theater, 24 Bond St., btw Bowery & Lafayette
TICKETS: Tickets $8, available through Smarttix: 212-868-4444, http://www.blogger.com/, or at door.
www.saraschaefer.com
Also, I will be getting interviewed at a live talk show this week. Why am I important enough to be interviewed? God only knows. Yet again, I'll let the show's titular hosts tell you about it in their own words:
Do you like everything? Then you'll love anything! And since The Cocktail Hour is something, you should be there!
Guests? Don't mind if I do.
Writer/Artist Benjamin Birdie
Dan McCoy (Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, Jest Magazine, Saturday Night Rewritten)
Did you know Devon might be a covert government agent? D'Arcy seems to think so. Find out the truth this Friday, Sept. 30th @ midnight. $5. Free soda and a slice of pizza.
Where?
Juvie Hall
24 Bond St.
This coming Saturday, October 1, we've got a HUGE SSIOWY planned!
We've got cooking, great music, my bachelorette party, Law & Order - what more can you want? Come celebrate afterwards at Slainte, both to celebrate almost 2 years of doing SSIOWY, and to send Chris and I off as we are leaving to get married on Oct 6! If all that wasn't enough, some important people are coming, so if you've been meaning to come check it out, Oct 1 is the one!
Here are the details:
SARA SCHAEFER IS OBSESSED WITH YOU
Saturday, October 1, 8 p.m.
CELEBRITY GUEST: Laurie Woolever, Cook / Food Writer - Laurie will be doing a live cooking segment on the show! (Laurie was also the assistant to Mario Batali and also a cook for many famous types, so she will have many juicy stories to tell!)
MUSICAL GUEST: Valley Lodge - do NOT miss this band, they are fantastic and did I mention adorable?
AND AS ALWAYS...SOMEONE FROM LAW & ORDER!
WHERE: Juvie Hall Sketch Comedy Theatre, At The Gene Frankel Theater, 24 Bond St., btw Bowery & Lafayette
TICKETS: Tickets $8, available through Smarttix: 212-868-4444, http://www.blogger.com/, or at door.
www.saraschaefer.com
Also, I will be getting interviewed at a live talk show this week. Why am I important enough to be interviewed? God only knows. Yet again, I'll let the show's titular hosts tell you about it in their own words:
Do you like everything? Then you'll love anything! And since The Cocktail Hour is something, you should be there!
Guests? Don't mind if I do.
Writer/Artist Benjamin Birdie
Dan McCoy (Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, Jest Magazine, Saturday Night Rewritten)
Did you know Devon might be a covert government agent? D'Arcy seems to think so. Find out the truth this Friday, Sept. 30th @ midnight. $5. Free soda and a slice of pizza.
Where?
Juvie Hall
24 Bond St.
Monday, September 26, 2005
The Greatest Sketch in the History of Time
This was a collaborative effort between me, Devon T. Coleman, and Brock Mahan; and it is, as the title suggests, the greatest sketch in the history of time...
'SCOPE MOUTHWASH TRIAL" by devon, brock, & dan
HISTORIAN
Hello. I'm a Historian. This year marks the 80th anniversary of the Scopes Monkey Trial-- but very little attention is paid to the trial that happened immediately after: The Scope Mouthwash Trial. Let's go there now. You know. Not really. Through the magic of reenactment. Which is also not actual magic.
INT. COURT
PROSECUTOR enters. SCOPE sits on the stand.
PROSECUTOR
Scope Mouthwash, is it true that you are intelligently designed to reduce plaque and leave people's mouths feeling fresh?
SCOPE
Yes, yes I was.
PROSECUTOR
I rest my case.
JUDGE bangs his gavel.
JUDGE
Scope Mouthwash, I hereby find you guilty of promoting good dental hygiene. And sentence you to be used after every meal. Case dismissed!
BACK TO:
THE HISTORIAN
THE HISTORIAN
This was the most significant mouthwash trial since the Listerine Baby Kidnapping. For me, I'm a historian.
DOCTOR enters.
DOCTOR
Poor Historian. He used to be not crazy.
THE HISTORIAN
There's a history of mental illness in my family.
SFX: MUTED TRUMPET (Wah wah wah waaaaaaaah)
Doctor takes out his cell phone.
DOCTOR
Sorry, I gotta take this.
(beat)
Historian, it's the governor! Good news, you're not crazy anymore!
THE HISTORIAN
Hooray!
Doctor and The Historian high five.
END OF SKETCH.
Yes, my friends, you have now read the greatest sketch in the history of time. Try to keep living, knowing that your joy will never be topped.
'SCOPE MOUTHWASH TRIAL" by devon, brock, & dan
HISTORIAN
Hello. I'm a Historian. This year marks the 80th anniversary of the Scopes Monkey Trial-- but very little attention is paid to the trial that happened immediately after: The Scope Mouthwash Trial. Let's go there now. You know. Not really. Through the magic of reenactment. Which is also not actual magic.
INT. COURT
PROSECUTOR enters. SCOPE sits on the stand.
PROSECUTOR
Scope Mouthwash, is it true that you are intelligently designed to reduce plaque and leave people's mouths feeling fresh?
SCOPE
Yes, yes I was.
PROSECUTOR
I rest my case.
JUDGE bangs his gavel.
JUDGE
Scope Mouthwash, I hereby find you guilty of promoting good dental hygiene. And sentence you to be used after every meal. Case dismissed!
BACK TO:
THE HISTORIAN
THE HISTORIAN
This was the most significant mouthwash trial since the Listerine Baby Kidnapping. For me, I'm a historian.
DOCTOR enters.
DOCTOR
Poor Historian. He used to be not crazy.
THE HISTORIAN
There's a history of mental illness in my family.
SFX: MUTED TRUMPET (Wah wah wah waaaaaaaah)
Doctor takes out his cell phone.
DOCTOR
Sorry, I gotta take this.
(beat)
Historian, it's the governor! Good news, you're not crazy anymore!
THE HISTORIAN
Hooray!
Doctor and The Historian high five.
END OF SKETCH.
Yes, my friends, you have now read the greatest sketch in the history of time. Try to keep living, knowing that your joy will never be topped.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Dan at Church Basement this Monday the 19th
Just a reminder that I will be reading something at Church Basement this Monday. What is this "something" I will be reading? I don't know. Come and see the ill-planned-ness.
And now, because I am lazy, I will post, nearly verbatim, the promotional email that the C.B. guys sent to remind me...
The Church Basement returns this Monday Sept. 19th at 8pm with a fantastic lineup. Our guests will be:
Roger Hailes - Comedian and Franz Ferdinand backup singer
James Stahl - Silky Smooth Poet and Quite a Lover
Dan McCoy - Writer for Saturday Night Rewritten and Sara Schaefer Is Obsessed With You
Mike Dunn - Blogger Extraordinaire and Budding Attorney
Plus other guests and your always fantastic hosts. 8pm start time, Beers are only 3 bucks! See you there. -Your Hosts: Nick Higgins, Jack Kukoda, & Matt Yeager
Church Basement Reading Series
@ Micky's Blue Room
Ave. C, btw. 10th & 11th
8pm
Free!
And now, because I am lazy, I will post, nearly verbatim, the promotional email that the C.B. guys sent to remind me...
The Church Basement returns this Monday Sept. 19th at 8pm with a fantastic lineup. Our guests will be:
Roger Hailes - Comedian and Franz Ferdinand backup singer
James Stahl - Silky Smooth Poet and Quite a Lover
Dan McCoy - Writer for Saturday Night Rewritten and Sara Schaefer Is Obsessed With You
Mike Dunn - Blogger Extraordinaire and Budding Attorney
Plus other guests and your always fantastic hosts. 8pm start time, Beers are only 3 bucks! See you there. -Your Hosts: Nick Higgins, Jack Kukoda, & Matt Yeager
Church Basement Reading Series
@ Micky's Blue Room
Ave. C, btw. 10th & 11th
8pm
Free!
Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, This Saturday the 17th at 8 PM
We have a great show this Saturday (note this is not our usual Friday night slot). Hope you can make it out.
SARA SCHAEFER IS OBSESSED WITH YOU
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 8 p.m.
Celebrity Guest: BRYAN TUCKER (writer for Chris Rock, Chapelle Show, and now Saturday Night Live!)
Musical guest: VALLEY LODGE
And as always...someone who's been on Law & Order!
Juvie Hall Sketch Comedy Theatre
(beneath the Gene Frankel Theater)
24 Bond Street,
btw Bowery & Lafayette
In lovely Noho, Manhattan
Very near the Broadway/Lafayette and Bleeker Street subway stations.
Tickets $8, through Smarttix 212-868-4444, http://www.smarttix.com/, or at the door
Last time Sara got shot by a mustachioed man, and I wore a sombrero and a white jump suit. What madness lies in store this time?
And, because I jus' loves recycling old material, here are a few unused monologue jokes.
FEMA chief Michael Brown, cited prior emergency-management experience in an official biography but his duties were "more like an intern," according to a Time magazine report. Perhaps that explains why, while many refugees have not been given food, they have been fetched plenty of coffee.
This Thursday, while touring the destruction resulting from Hurricane Katrina, Vice President Cheney stopped to take some questions from reporters. During the live, televised interview a passer-by shouted out, "Go fuck yourself, Mr. Cheney." I think the suggestion was only fair, as the Vice President is one of the few people who hasn't already been fucked by Dick Cheney.
The Dixie Chicks, Sheryl Crowe, and Paul Simon were just a few of the music stars who performed in this Friday's televised Hurricane Katrina benefit, titled Shelter From The Storm: A Concert For The Gulf Coast. It was an inspiring event, despite the questionable inclusion of The Scorpions, playing Rock You Like A Hurricane.
According to a study, children who were asked to shop for a Barbie doll's big night out were more likely to choose cigarettes if their parents smoked, and beer if their parents drank. Children who were more likely to undress the Barbie doll were named Dan.
This year's Emmys will feature an "American Idol"-style competition, wherein singers and television stars perform TV theme songs, with viewers voting for their favorites. Some of the planned performances include William Shatner and Frederica von Stade teaming up to sing the theme from "Star Trek," Megan Mullaly and and Donald Trump singing the "Green Acres" tune, and Dick Clark performing Diff'rent Strokes.
Elijah Wood, best known for his starring role as Frodo in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, has landed the role of a young Iggy Pop in a new movie. The name of the movie? Lust for Miscasting.
SARA SCHAEFER IS OBSESSED WITH YOU
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 8 p.m.
Celebrity Guest: BRYAN TUCKER (writer for Chris Rock, Chapelle Show, and now Saturday Night Live!)
Musical guest: VALLEY LODGE
And as always...someone who's been on Law & Order!
Juvie Hall Sketch Comedy Theatre
(beneath the Gene Frankel Theater)
24 Bond Street,
btw Bowery & Lafayette
In lovely Noho, Manhattan
Very near the Broadway/Lafayette and Bleeker Street subway stations.
Tickets $8, through Smarttix 212-868-4444, http://www.smarttix.com/, or at the door
Last time Sara got shot by a mustachioed man, and I wore a sombrero and a white jump suit. What madness lies in store this time?
And, because I jus' loves recycling old material, here are a few unused monologue jokes.
FEMA chief Michael Brown, cited prior emergency-management experience in an official biography but his duties were "more like an intern," according to a Time magazine report. Perhaps that explains why, while many refugees have not been given food, they have been fetched plenty of coffee.
This Thursday, while touring the destruction resulting from Hurricane Katrina, Vice President Cheney stopped to take some questions from reporters. During the live, televised interview a passer-by shouted out, "Go fuck yourself, Mr. Cheney." I think the suggestion was only fair, as the Vice President is one of the few people who hasn't already been fucked by Dick Cheney.
The Dixie Chicks, Sheryl Crowe, and Paul Simon were just a few of the music stars who performed in this Friday's televised Hurricane Katrina benefit, titled Shelter From The Storm: A Concert For The Gulf Coast. It was an inspiring event, despite the questionable inclusion of The Scorpions, playing Rock You Like A Hurricane.
According to a study, children who were asked to shop for a Barbie doll's big night out were more likely to choose cigarettes if their parents smoked, and beer if their parents drank. Children who were more likely to undress the Barbie doll were named Dan.
This year's Emmys will feature an "American Idol"-style competition, wherein singers and television stars perform TV theme songs, with viewers voting for their favorites. Some of the planned performances include William Shatner and Frederica von Stade teaming up to sing the theme from "Star Trek," Megan Mullaly and and Donald Trump singing the "Green Acres" tune, and Dick Clark performing Diff'rent Strokes.
Elijah Wood, best known for his starring role as Frodo in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, has landed the role of a young Iggy Pop in a new movie. The name of the movie? Lust for Miscasting.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Recommendation
If you have some time to kill, I suggest you check out George Bush's Prayer For Relief over at Radar Magazine online. It's written by official Friend of Dan and Whither Laffs-link-list-member Frank Lesser who wrote what, for my money, is one of the funniest things Jest Magazine ever published, Letter From a Historically Black Clown College.
Suggestion
I think 70's House would be a better show if it was just Hugh Laurie wearing bell bottoms.
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