The Watchmen Pornographic Parody No One Wants to See

In honor of Watchmen's release, I re-post this, the crudest and dumbest PhotoShop gag I've ever done:

Predicted Future (Unpopular) Porn Film

I apologize to everyone.

Plugs = Free Stuff? Hmmn...

So, a while back, I wrote a piece for the then-still-alive-and-kicking Jest Magazine, titled Highlights From the 1st Annual Softcore Porn Awards (and boy am I ever so glad that this hi-larious article lives on via the Internet, for my mom to see). All of the movie titles and names of stars were made up except one: Misty Mundae. Those of you who are connoisseurs of late-night programming on off-brand premium cable channels like Showtime and Cinemax should recognize her from a series of titles put out by ei Independent Cinema, home of the Shock-O-Rama and Seduction Cinema imprints.

My fondness for Ms. Mundae is based on her looking like an actual, honest to god human, rather than some sort of surgical experiment. Additionally, she can actually act, as witnessed by her appearance in the recent Showtime's Masters of Horror episode "Sick Girl," directed by Lucky McKee. So I tossed her into the fake article, as a quiet little shout-out.

Months later, the completely delightful Paige Kay Davis, V.P. of Publicity at ei, contacted me to get her hands on the piece (apparently they keep all the press clippings that mention their movies/ stars). I sent her one of the now-out-of-print and sure to be a collectors' item issues (have YOU collected them all?), and, in return, she was kind enough to mail me a few DVDs. So I am now the proud owner of Bite Me, Screaming Dead, and Spiderbabe. See what comedy writing can get you, kids? It's a gold mine, I tells ya!

I am the darling of the exploitation film world.

In other news, I'm moving to another neighborhood in Brooklyn at the end of this month. Please give me all your cardboard boxes.

Jest.com is Officially Up

Although again, this isn't so much news since The Apiary mentioned our soft launch over two weeks ago (damn you, The Apiary, and your tireless Internet comedy journalism!), the new Jest.com is officially up and running. Our soft launch has gotten hard, if you will.

I didn't want to mention it here before it was time, but our esteemed editor Frank Santopadre just removed our gag order. So here it is! Now those pining for the late, lamented Jest Magazine can get much the same thing in a much less respected format. (Suggested slogan: "It's On the Internet. You Know, Where Anyone Can Get Published!") On the other hand, now you can finally read it at work, without having to hide it inside a bulky three-ring binder, plus my friends from all across the country can see it for the first time.

I have a few pieces up there already. Check out my "Highlights From the 1st Annual Soft-Core Porn Awards." Or look at the first installment of what will theoretically be a weekly column, "Can't Miss Movie Pitches." ('Theoretically' in the sense that it will likely continue until I, or you, get tired of it.)

Plus my status has been bumped up from "regular contributor" to the much more exciting "regular contributor with a silly picture on the website." I still get paid the same per-piece rate, though. So start buying Jest merchandise, so we can shamelessly dilute the integrity of the product and begin getting rich off this thing.

In conclusion, Jest.com is one of the few places that pays me to write. Granted, they don't pay much, but their intentions are good. Please: support me by supporting them. If you continue to support such endeavors, then perhaps together we can eventually create a better world, where I don't have a shitty day job.

Bored on Tuesdays?

You all know me-- I'm self-centered, and I rarely plug other people's shows. Those jerks can fend for themselves. This is my poorly-read performance calendar/ blog, dammit. Other people can post their own cries for help on the Internet.

The other reason is: I rarely make it out to comedy shows. Consider this a blanket non-apology for all my friends' things I've missed, but there are two reasons for my low attendance:

1. I'm lazy.
2. I'm married.

Thus, after you factor in my day jobbiness and the shows I do and things I write for, I just want to hang out on the couch with my wife and my cat and watch full seasons of 24 on DVD. Which will probably be my downfall, someday, since I should be out "networking," but damn that Jack Bauer is a tough bastard.

Still, sometimes I get off my ass and go see someone else's show. One such occasion was this past Tuesday, when I finally, finally, saw Andres Du Bouchet's show, Gigantic Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game. I realize I'm way behind the curve on this one. Sure it won the 2004 ECNY for Best Variety Show. Sure, Time Out NY consistantly reccommends it. Sure, Andres was one of Back Stage's comedy Best Bets for 2004-- an honor bestowed in 2005 upon a couple of other people I know. Also, yes fine, I met Andres over a year ago, when Ritch Duncan and I took part in a reading of humor pieces, and the three of us went out afterwards to drink and make fun of one of the other readers.

On the other hand:

1. Lazy
2. Married

The point is, I know Andres doesn't need my help (when I went, the place was packed), and even if he did, my endorsement might be worth one extra audience member at most. Still, I was impressed enough by the show that I had to post something about it. If you're like me, and you never see shows, this is the one that should make you break that lazy streak. The committment that the performer exhibited-- the real comic acting (remember that? acting?) that supported the cleverly written bits was a real inspiration. Andres almost made me believe that he was Francisco Guglioni, native of Boliviguay, the tiny Latin-American Extravaganzocracy, where virtually every citizen hosts their own show. And the ensemble brought the same level of committment to every sketch.

Plus it's free (although The Apiary claims that Rififfi might stick in a one-drink minimum someday).

Best of all, I was one of the winners of the "and Also There is a Game" part of Gigantic Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game. I correctly identified "Monkey" as the word most often used in NYC improv-team-names. The prizes that were distributed to winning audience members were old pornographic videotapes that writer Michael Reisman was getting rid of to "...make room for the baby's crib." I was the proud recipient of "Deep Inside Sindee Coxx" a compilation tape padded with interview segments that take the time to help us really get to know what Sindee Coxx feels about things.

I'd like to close this inordinately long post by noting the special brilliance of the porn name Sindee Coxx. To wit:

• Eschewing the normal spelling of Cindy, in favor of "Sindee," allows "Sin" to be part of her name.
• "Coxx" = Cocks. Get it?
• The double X at the end of Coxx refers to the pornographic nature of her films, and provides an eloquent echo of the double E in her first name.

See what I mean? It works on so many levels.

All right, enough of this. Go see Andres in GTN. And see me in Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, tonight.