The Flop House Episode Seven is ONLINE!

In our first Flop House sans Simon, we welcome friend-of-the-show Jeanette Lahr to the guest host seat, to discuss the Kevin Costner split-personality serial killer film Mr. Brooks. Meanwhile, Stuart makes a movie pitch, Dan reveals an embarrassing secret about Charlie’s Angels, and Jeanette teaches us how to kill a man. Also Dan's cat Lulu adds her two cents, in the form of an occasional meow.

Download it here, or paste theflophouse.libsyn.com/rss into iTunes (or your favorite podcatching software) to have new episodes delivered to you directly, as they're released.

0:00 – 0:36 Introduction and theme.
0:37 – 2:50 Partial synopsis of Mr. Brooks, courtesy of Wikipedia.
2:51 – 28:02 Something’s happening here and you don’t know what it is, do you, Mr. Brooks?
28:03 – 31:16 Final judgments.
31:17 – 36:55 The sad bastards recommend.
36:56 – Podcasty business, goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

*A small apology for the audio quality of some of this episode. I have no idea why my voice sounds so booming, while Stuart and Jeanette sound like they are in the next room... other than the obvious explanation that I am 40 feet tall.

The Strike Continues...

Talks resumed over Thanksgiving, but they haven't been going so well. Thus the strike continues. You know what that means -- another writer's strike video from my friend Frank Lesser.

Upcoming Show Alert!

Hey! I'm gonna be appearing in Sara Schaefer's upcoming "One Sara Show." Who will I be playing? Well, not Sara, that's to be sure, since that would mean exceeding the prescribed Sara ration for the evening.

What's that? You'd like to hear about the show in Sara-penned press release form? Well, okay.

* * *

Hello friends. You know, being Thanksgiving Eve and all, I wanted to take a moment to thank you for your support over the years, and especially over the past few months.

And, I want to let you know that you *might* want to clear your schedule for December 18 at 8 p.m. Because I'm previewing my new show at Union Hall in Brooklyn, and I think you will enjoy it. It's special. It's FREE. There's a live band on stage with me (The Lisps, who I ADORE), and videos, and other spectacular effects...and me.

SARA SCHAEFER'S ONE SARA SHOW
DIRECTED BY JON FRIEDMAN
WRITTEN BY SARA SCHAEFER
MUSIC BY THE LISPS

Special preview performance:
December 18 @ 8 p.m. - FREE!
Union Hall, Park Slope, Brooklyn
702 Union Street @ 5th Ave.

What does Sara Schaefer have to do to prove that she is a self-centered attention whore? Does she have to put on a one woman show with her name in the title? Does she have the quirky indie rock band, The Lisps backing her? What about hilarious home movies from her childhood, bizarre clipart, the true definition of "rockbottom", and a live video experience that will pretty much blow your mind? Well, you got it. Sara Schaefer presents, 'Sara Schaefer's One Sara
Show', written and starring Sara Schaefer.

If you don't love this show, you hate orphans.

Directed by acclaimed comedian/producer and the creator of "The Rejection Show", Jon Friedman. Music by The Lisps. Featuring Lang Fisher and Dan McCoy. Live video by Dan Winckler.

The Flop House Episode Six is ONLINE

In this episode, the gang chats about Perfect Stranger, the top Internet chat-based thriller that was released twenty years after Internet chatting was invented. Meanwhile, Stuart engages in some creative screenplay retitling, Dan proposes a twist ending certification board, and Simon drops a personal bombshell.

Download it here, or paste theflophouse.libsyn.com/rss into iTunes (or your favorite podcatching software) to have new episodes delivered to you directly, as they're released.

0:00 - 0:33 - Introduction and theme.
0:34 - 1:54 - Partial synopsis of Perfect Stranger, courtesy of Wikipedia.
1:55 - 28:27 - According to the Simpsons musical Streetcar! "...a stranger's just a friend you haven't met!" But that was before the movie Perfect Stranger.
28:28 - 29:52 - Final judgments.
29:53 - 36:18 - Our first listener mail!
36:19 - 40:01 - The sad bastards recommend.
40:02 - 44:00 - Simon reveals some sad news.
44:01 - 46:25 - Podcasty business, goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

Writers' Strike Video

My friend Frank Lesser, who writes for The Colbert Report (yeah, I know -- name dropper) just sent me this video that he edited, and which was put together by the C.R. team.

Enjoy the laughs, and forward it on to friends, to spread the word that writers should be fairly compensated for work used on the Internet.

Zombira Slutty Costume Sketch: Now With Video!

I posted the text to my Slutty Costumes Sketch last year, but now (thanks to my wife) I have video of it. Well, of half of it. But, honestly, you get the idea (although if you want the background, follow the link above and then switch to the video the moment she pulls out the "slutty calendar").

Big in Canada

Captains in Space was featured on Canadian cable TV show "Torrent TV" on G4. Check it out! We've made the leap to television! Sort of.*

In other Captains news, we'll be getting together to shoot TWO all-new episodes this weekend, so look for those to come out soon (and a little more regularly than they have in the past). These will also be the first episodes to feature Captain Matt as a full-time replacement for the departing Captain Adam. Can you resist a show starring this guy?:



















*Yeah, I know that "Canadian" "cable" and "G4" are three strikes that limit the probable TV viewership for that episode to about 13, but these days, what with our U.S. economic slump, writers' strikes and such, 13 Canadian viewers = like 52 American. That's the way these things work, right?

A Halloween Miracle

Well, not quite a miracle, but a delightful story nonetheless.

So, I was coming home from a delightful Halloween party at my friends' place* in Morningside Heights, dressed in my painstakingly accurate Shaun-from-Shaun of the Dead costume. Looking to snag a cab, I raised my cricket bat in cab-hailing formation. My wife, seeing a police car down the street, scolded me to put my bat down, apparently afraid that the fuzz would mistake us for a roving gang of cricket hooligans.

Sure enough, at the nearest light, the police car stopped, rolled down the window, and the cop in the passenger seat yelled...

"Hey! Why don't you try throwing records at the taxis!?"

Now, like most folks under the age of, say, 35, I have ambivalent feelings about the police. Living in NYC (and in not the world's nicest neighborhood) I'm always happy to see them around. Still, I have the usual fear of people with lots and lots of authority and guns.

However, this police officer not only identified my costume from 30 feet away, thought of a funny and appropriate-to-Shaun of the Dead remark, and yelled it to me. In that moment, to me, he was truly New York's finest.

Bravo, cop. Bravo.

*One of said friends being inimitable children's literature blogger Betsy "Fuse #8," who gave The Flop House a beautiful shout-out over at her School Library Journal site. Thanks to her for that, although god knows what her audience will make of the podcast. Thankfully she makes clear just how profane we tend to get.

ZOMBIRA TONIGHT!

Well, the previews are over (as is... well... the first show -- yeah, I sort of dropped the ball in promoting this), but there are still TWO chances to see Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular (a sketch show) this Halloween season.

Advance tickets are available (without any service charge!) at Brown Paper Tickets. We share the bill with Jameson Bartleby's Haunted Hayride featuring Jeremiah Murphy (fans of the summer show might remember him as Sealegs McGoo). Also, Monday (tonight)'s show will be preceded by the Disgraceland Family freak show. So if you wanna see a freak show, tonight's the night to come. If you wanna avoid a freak show, come see us tomorrow.

Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular
Part of the Big Bang at MC2
October 29, and 30 at 8 PM
The Sage Theater
711 7th Avenue
Times Square, Manhattan
8PM, $12



















"ZSHH" is your #1 resource for sketches involving me in a pirate hat and jumpsuit.

The Flop House Episode Five is ONLINE

In the second of our special Halloween episodes, the gang gets caught in the deathtrap that is Saw III. Meanwhile, Simon spins an elaborate handstand analogy, Stuart gets turned on by Icyface, and Dan offers Jigsaw's girlfriend a little relationship advice.

Download it here, or paste theflophouse.libsyn.com/rss into iTunes (or your favorite podcatching software) to have new episodes delivered to you directly, as they're released.

0:00 - 0:40 - Introduction and the special "Halloween Remix" Flop House Theme
0:40 - 2:31 - Partial synopsis of Saw III, courtesy of Wikipedia
2:32 - 29:49 - Does unremitting torture and pain appeal to you? Then, why not watch Saw III, so you can experience a little of it? ZING! You got zinged, Saw III!
29:50 - 32:53 - Final judgements.
32:54 - 36:57 - The sad bastards recommend.
36:58 - 39:00 - THE SHOCKING DENOUMENT!
39:01 - 43:00 - Podcasty business, next show teaser, goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

Zombira RETURNS FROM THE GRAVE

Zombira's Scaretaculous Halloween Horrortacular, the sketch show that played to full and delighted houses last October is back for this Halloween season! It sports half the original cast, and half NEW BLOOD, but all the sketches from last year will be represented, as well as an all-new bonus sketch, at no additional charge to you, the discerning Halloween sketch show consumer. Whatta deal!

The dates are Thursday the 25, Sunday the 28th, Monday the 29th, and Tuesday the 30th (so you don't have to miss any weekend Halloween party fun, to enjoy the show) at 8 PM. Thursday's preview performance is "pay what you can." Advance tickets are available (without any service charge!) at Brown Paper Tickets. We'll be sharing the bill with Jameson Bartleby's Haunted Hayride featuring Jeremiah Murphy (fans of the summer show might remember him as Sealegs McGoo), and the Disgraceland Family, a real live freak show. (Epiphone, the dramatic improvisors, come on after intermission, so if dramatic improv doesn't sound fun to you, that's the time to cut out.)

So come, celebrate your Halloween by seeing a bunch of people dressed up in silly costumes... uh... hmn... but, BUT, they'll be acting in funny scenes, instead of drunk off mulled cider in your buddy's apartment. And also...












SCHOOLGIRL CATFIGHT!!!

Halloween Video Cavalcade!

I used to be part of a monthly talk show called "The Primetime Kalan," with my friends Elliott and Erik. Last year around this time, we had our Halloween show, which we hosted as "Ghost Hunting Club of New York," three paranormal scholars who went to various locations in the NY area, trying to catch a ghost. (A side note: our guest for that show was The Daily Show's Dan Bakkedahl, who showed up in a helmet and knee pads, claiming that he thought we were the "Go Stunting" club.)

Anyway, it's taken a year for them to show up online, but here, for the very first time, are the Primetime Kalan Ghost Hunting Videos! (Cinematography courtesy of Brock Mahan)

Video One: "Grant's Tomb" - by Elliott Kalan



Video Two: "The Jersey Devil" - by Dan McCoy



Video Three: "The Yeti of Williamsburg" by Erik Marcisak



And, as a special bonus, I offer this fourth video. It was done by Elliott, Erik, and former show director-turned-Flavor-of-Love-editor Joe Guercio long before I was involved with the Kalan show. Still, you can see that this video share many of the same themes from the ghost hunting shorts (for instance, the conviction that pipes, 80's-style montages, and Photoshop are the tickets to comedy success), proving that it was inevitable that I'd join the group eventually.

Just one bit of background: R2-D2 was Elliott's "co-host" on his show, until they decided to abandon that bit. This video was produced to explain his absence from the show, but you don't really need to know that to enjoy the video, other than one or two stray comments.

WARNING: Do not watch if you are sensitive to violence against robots

"The End of R2-D2"

I Am Nothing if Not Honorable

...ly mentioned.

In Which I Make a Theological Argument

Here's something that originated as a reading I did on Fist City a few months back...

Blessed Are the Vulpine

In 1965, Presbyterian minister Robert L. Short saw the publication of his book, The Gospel According to Peanuts, which used characters and episodes from Charles Schultz’s long-running strip Peanuts to illustrate lessons about Christian philosophy, and to teach theology through the easily accessible medium of the comics page.

While I admire the work of the honorable reverend Short, I cannot help but think he backed the wrong pony, allegoric-crypto-graphically speaking. For I believe that the truest moral lessons can be gleaned from a close examination of that chaplain of the comics page, Slylock Fox.











For what is more key to any religion than the law? Whether it be the Torah in Judaism; the Ten Commandments in Christianity; or the Criminal Code for the United Federation of Anthropomorphic Animals in Slylock Fox, the law is the cornerstone of an ethical society. And who upholds the law? Not Max Mouse, the ineffectual but well-meaning everymouse. No—while virtuous, Max is unable to combat the evil forces aligning against him, whether they plan to steal boxes of cupcakes or to distribute counterfeit bubble gum cards. Max must seek solace in a higher power—specifically a Fox smart enough to notice that known counterfeiter Kopy Kat seems to be chewing a lot of gum these days. Through Slylock, I have learned that God helps those too incompetent to help themselves.

Slylock Fox is filled with such lessons. Consider The Parable of the Empty Room With the High Safe, wherein a safe is found burgled, despite being several feet off the ground, in a room with nothing to stand on. How was it done? Would it surprise you to learn that the thief stood on a block of ice to crack the safe, and then allowed the ice to melt, thus eliminating the evidence? Of course it wouldn’t. You’ve read a locked-room mystery before. But the solution only yields more mysteries. Like: why isn’t there anything else in the room? Is putting a safe on a pillar in the middle of an empty room really an effective security strategy? Isn’t it difficult to attempt delicate safe-cracking while atop a slippery ice block? And where did the ice come from? If the thief had access to ice, couldn’t they procure something slightly more useful, like a ladder? The moral is: sometimes that which seems most pressing is the simplest mystery to solve, while we are constantly surrounded by evidence of the universe’s ultimate unknowability. Also, if you’re gonna steal, you should find some way to work ice into it.

From Slylock Fox, I have learned that all bad people have curly, old-time-serial moustaches, and/or black eye masks. And they have names like Count Weirdly, Reeky Rat, Slick Smitty, Wanda Witch, and Shady Shrew, making them easy to be identified and avoided. On the other hand, if you encounter someone named Extraordinary Egret, or Likestagiveablowjob Lynx, you should pursue their friendship ardently.

We followers of the fox, or Zorroastrians, as we like to be called, know that even the virtuous can be tempted, and that sin can come in pleasing forms, namely that of comely thief Cassandra Cat. Still, despite the temptation of her two, full, human-style bosoms, rather than the traditional four cat nipples—and despite the tight catsuit that she wears, which manages to emphasize her shapely hindquarters, while de-emphasizing her tail—Slylock knows that she is evil at heart, and that for him to couple with her would be as wrong as a human man going on and on about a cartoon cat’s full bosoms. We mustn’t give into temptation, no matter how well-drawn.

Some may take issue with my position, believing instead that the meek will inherit the earth, and thus Ziggy is the true cartoon messiah; or that the truth can only be found in the Zen koan-like unfunniness of Fred Bassett. Beware these false idols. Some may question the seriousness of Slylock Fox as a comprehensive system of religious teachings, noting that its full title is Slylock Fox & Comics for Kids. But did the prophet Whitney Houston not proclaim the children are our future? Checkmate, doubters.

All I know is that any creature who would willingly, and without species prejudice, help out Aaron Aardvark, Cliff Cat, Dumpty Dog, Buford Bear, Bradford Bloodhound, Carl Cardinal, Stewey Stork, Basher Bull, Earl Elephant, Don Dove, Bobby Beaver, Terry Turtle, Chester Chick & Mrs Chicken, Henry Hippo, Kenny Kangaroo, Tompkin Tapir, Charlie Chimp, Dippy Duck, Roxy Rabbit, Oswald Ostrich, Horace Hippo, Edward Eagle, Robert Raccoon, Fred Flamingo, Andy Anteater, Manny Monkey, and Penrod Penguin, is truly a fox to be emulated.

Please join me in giving solemn offering of 500 fish a day, plus expenses.

The Flop House Episode Four is ONLINE

In the first of two special Halloween episodes, the team examines the sure-misfire team-up of Jim Carrey and Joel Schumacher, The Number 23. Meanwhile, in a shocking twist, Simon rails against twist endings; Stuart discusses digital sex (in an analog way); and Dan can't quite get a handle on how to name movie characters.

Download it here, or paste theflophouse.libsyn.com/rss into iTunes (or your favorite podcatching software) to have new episodes delivered to you directly, as they're released.

0:00 - 0:37 - Introduction and the special "Halloween Remix" Flop House Theme
0:38 - 4:11 - Synopsis of The Number 23, courtesy of Wikipedia
4:12 - 34:00 - Wouldn't it be spooky if this segment was TWENTY-THREE MINUTES LONG? No? It wouldn't? Then you've learned the chilling secret of The Number 23.
34:01 - 36:40 - Final judgements.
36:41 - 40:52 - The sad bastards recommend.
40:53 - 44:07 - Next show teaser, goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

Recycling Center: Rejected Jokes Edition

The joke submitting season begins anew, and another crop of jokes withers and dies, to be reborn on my poorly-read blog...

Marcel Marceau, the world famous French mime, died this week at the age of 84, after a long battle with invisible walls.

China has banned "sexually provocative sounds" on television. Bad news for their hit show, “Squish Squish Moan Squirt.”

The Los Angeles City Attorney has filed hit and run charges against Britney Spears relating to in an incident in August, although her defense attorney argued that Britney hasn’t had a hit in years.

A new report says that there are now fewer gay characters on television than in previous years with only seven characters on the five broadcast networks, six of which were Rosie O’Donnell.

According to a new bill introduced in Congress, airlines would be required to set aside a place within the cabin where parents could seat their children out of range of PG-13 or R-rated movies shown on overhead screens. Also according to that bill: YOU will be seated directly in front of those children.

Columbia University's president sparked a controversy this week when he defended Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's appearance on campus by saying that he would also have allowed Hitler to speak to the students – a stance that seems less brave, when you consider that Hitler would address the crowd in German, and is also a corpse.

NASA's chief said Monday that the space agency plans to put a man on Mars by 2037. And, with luck, that man will be Dick Cheney.

In a rare trip outside the National Archives, the Emancipation Proclamation is on display for four days in Little Rock, prompting a few residents to say, “Lincoln did what now?”

According to a new study, germs such as salmonella that go into space on a rocket, come back to Earth stronger and deadlier… which is why experts recommend never eating a chicken salad sandwich that’s been to space and back on a rocket.

Google has blocked a bid to trademark the name "JewTube," because it sounds too similar to their YouTube video sharing site. Business analysts were not surprised that the bid was cut short, as they had predicted that any JewTube would be circumcised.

In Which I Bring You a Blast From the Past

In the course of my normal time-wasting day, I've discovered something interesting. Namely, that my college e-mail address is still active. Other than the morbid curiosity sated by seeing the effects of seven years of spam mail activity, this was exciting because I came across a few old pieces I wrote that I thought were lost to time.

They both appear to have been written to submit to Modern Humorist, back when they actually published material and weren't just two guys on VH1 talking heads shows. I think one of these was partially purchased, but it was just one joke out of a larger piece, and it's not archived anywhere. So I doubt they'll sue me. I hope not. That $60 they sent me wasn't worth it.

Anyway, I've decided to take these pieces out of the metaphorical dusty closet and air them out here. Not all the jokes are good. Most aren't. I wrote these right out of college, before I got into comedy in any serious way (I'm still kind of waiting for that, actually). Also, many of the jokes referencing television are woefully out of date (the jokes referencing Restoration era poetry were intentionally out-of-date). However, there are a few good gags in here. Certainly enough to wile away a boring afternoon at work. So take a look...

First Drafts of Famous Verses

April is in My Mistress’ Face by Thomas Morley

April is in my mistress’ face,
and July in her eyes hath placed;
but her chest is much more interesting in January.

* * *

The Red Wheelbarrow by William Carlos Williams

So much depends upon
Four teenagers
and their wacky, crime-fighting dog
Beside a Mystery Van

* * *

Holy Sonnets: Batter My Heart, Three Person’d God by John Donne

Batter me good, oh Trisected God, for you
do only kick me in the ass to make me stronger
Oh Lord, to make me good but hit me longer
and I shall love thee till the day I die
Tho’ yet ‘tis hard to explain my black eye
to Milton and the others (thank you, oh Lord, you made him blind)
I know you’re cruel only to be kind
Oh baby, please don’t go. I know you get crazy sometimes. Don’t walk out that door. Can’t you see I love you, sugar? I won’t do you wrong no more.
When you’re in love-- Sometimes a hit feels just like a kiss.

* * *

Names of Horses by Donald Hall

For a hundred and fifty years or something like that,
in the Pasture of dead horses,
roots of pine trees, pushed through the pale curves of your ribs,
yellow blossoms flourished above you in autumn,
and in winter frost heaved your bones in the ground - old toilers, soil makers:
O Dizzy, Daffy, G.K. Chesterton, Lars, Goat-Head, Frenchy, Space Ghost,
Huey, Dewey, Lewie, Screwy, Mooey, Mel,
Fat Albert, “Horse,” Tigger, Mr. Peterson, Moby Dick,
Nico, Mau-Mau, Potlatch, Elvis, Dr. X,
Ivan, Stu, Habakkuk, Rabbi Schulz, Linus,
Ol’ Manure.

* * *

Poem Number 754 Emily Dickenson

My Life had stood -- a Loaded Gun --
In Corners -- till a Day
The O--wner passed -- identified --
And ca-- rrie-- d Me away --

A-- nd now We roam in Sovreign Woods --
And no-- w We hunt the Doe --
And now The air is Shattered--
by the Force of Casey’s Blow—


Tonight’s Television Listings

ABC

8 - 9 The Inoffensive World of Disney:
Tonight, MOVIE – “The Shaggiest Leprechaun” TV-G Teen singing sensation Brandy stars in this remake of two Disney classics, “Darby O’ Gill and the Little People” and “The Shaggy Dog” as a girl who finds a ring that transforms her into the most hirsute Leprechaun around. But what happens when she brings her hip-hop “flava” to the Emerald Isle? Jason Alexander costars.

9 - 9:30 The Family’s a Bunch, TV-G
The Olsen Twins star in the popular sitcom revolving around the horrifically numerous Smith clan, which requires a cast of 56.

9:30 - 10 Smuggles, TV-G
A sitcom about a talking rat and his imaginary friend, William Burroughs. (Repeat.)

10 - 11 Streets of Pain, TV-14
The latest from Steven Bochco revolves around a group of trauma ward hospital patients who fight crime, despite their numerous, crippling injuries. 12-time Emmy winner. Theme by Mike Post.

NBC

8 - 8:30 Phil and Jamie, TV-PG
Romantic sitcom focusing on the travails of on-again, off-again couple Phil and Jamie.

8:30 - 9 Phil and Joe and Jamie, TV-14
Situation comedy focusing on the nutty adventures of gay couple Phil and Joe, and their best shopping buddy, Jamie.

9 - 9:30 Phil and Susan and Joe and Jamie, TV-PG
Episodic comedy about two neighboring couples and their hijinx in suburbia.

9:30 - 10 Phil and Emmon and Jamie and Joe and Susan, TV-14
Comedy series focusing on a group of friends in NYC, and their search for love and sex.

10 - 11 Dateline NBC, TV-14
Tonight, the poorly-researched news-entertainment magazine does its best to polarize and make black-and-white the highly divisive and ambiguous issue of abortion. Then, the first in a 12-part series focusing on strippers. STRIPPERS we tell you! Strippers galore!

CBS

8 - 8:30 Bunson! , TV-PG
Michael Gross triumphantly returns to the medium that made him famous in this heartwarming sitcom about a crotchety butler, and his relationship to his twentysomething employer (Andrew McCarthy).

8:30 - 9 Ivins, TV-PG
In the vein of CBS’s early 90's sitcom Dave’s World (based upon the columns of popular humorist Dave Barry) comes this sassy political satire, based on the editorial columns of Molly Ivins. Watch as Molly (Sally Struthers) takes the wind out of her grumpy republican neighbor with her down-home wisdom.

9 - 10 Oh My God They’re Watching Me!, TV-14
CBS’s commitment to the most innovative in reality-based programming continues in this popular show in which camera crews choose two unsuspecting college co-eds and tape them during the course of a normal week. A surprise hit!

10 - 11 Old Man Fuddy’s Crotchety Mystery Hour
An elderly man and his crotchety pal take their rickety Oldsmobile to use all of their wrinkly powers to pontificate in their curmudgeonly way on a series of the most confoundedly dang-blasted conundrums.

Fox

8 - 8:30 The Johnstones, TV-14
Satiric animated look at a dysfunctional family and their stupid patriarch.

8:30 - 9 The Patterson Family, TV-14
Satiric animated look at another dysfunctional family and their slightly different stupid patriarch. (Repeat.)

9 - 9:30 I’m the Man, TV-14
Sly social satire in the guise of a cartoon.

9:30 - 10 Ostrich Man, TV-14
Random, meta-humor is the order of the day in this fanciful cartoon series brimming with clever pop-culture references and sly allusions.

10-11 Berkowitz’s Brain, TV-14
In the tradition of Ally McBeal and Herman’s Head comes this lighthearted dramedy that takes us inside the mind of the Son of Sam. Poor David would like to be the model prisoner, but how can he concentrate in front of the parole board, if he keeps seeing disemboweled dancing babies?

PBS

8 - 9 Antiques Roadshow, TV-G
See as normal people find out how much money they can get for their treasured family heirlooms.

9 - 10 Masterpiece Theater, TV-PG
Tonight is part one in their adaptation of Edith Wharton’s masterpiece, Ethan Frome. This is her touching tale of a doomed love, set against the backdrop of wintry New England, and including a wholly unexpected sledding accident. Sure to make you want to slit your wrists. Sometimes, for some reason, PBS can get away with showing naked people on these shows; but odds are they won’t be able to work any tasteful nudity into this one.

10 - 10:30 Bob’s Your Uncle, TV-14
Knicker and knacker jokes presented with that incredibly tasteful British flavour.

10:30 - 11 Dad’s Up Your Blimey Brigade, Sod Off!, TV-14
Hilarious hijinx with all the Dad’s crew as they’re forced to dress in drag while fighting the Krauts and insulting those bloody Frogs.

UPN

8 - 8:30 Blacker than Black, TV-14
With Bill Bellamy

8:30 - 9 Welcome to the Hood, TV-14
With Shawn Wayans

9 - 9:30 Know What I’m Sayin’?, TV-14
With Marlon Wayans 9:30 - 10

Homeboys Comin’ In, TV-14
With Steve Harvey

10 - 11
Paid Programming

WB

8 - 9 Hell High, TV-14
Young Leslie and her friends are in a bit of a pickle, as all of her teachers are demons. See as they gang together to fight these ungodly menaces, and then see how their flesh is rent and they’re consumed by maggots, regenerating only to have their pain begin anew, as they burn in hellfire, cursing the day that they thought they were strong enough to challenge the Lord of the Flies.

9 - 10 Samson’s Dreams, TV-14
You’ll fall in love with young Samson, and his dreams, as he floats through his last days of youth. You’ll fall in love with young Dee-dee, and Baker, and Piper and Sam too. And they’ll fall in love with each-other. Oh how they’ll fall in love with each other. First Samson will be in love with Piper, but then he’ll be in love with Dee-dee, and then Dee-dee will be in love with Baker, and THEN Sam will be in love with Piper and Dee-dee, and then Samson will turn out to be gay and love Sam. I’m telling you, you won’t be able to keep up with the love. And the screwing! Oh my God the screwing! They’re like crazed weasels these kids. You’ve never seen such screwing!

10 - 11 Xena the Warrior Princess, TV-14
They’ve cut back on the lesbian subtext. Why bother?

TBS

8 - 12 One Million Nights of James Bond Continuation of James Bond movie marathon.

TNT

8 - 12 An Evening of Blues Brothers and Animal House
Unending replay of John Landis’ early comedy outings.

USA

8 - 9 Walker, Texas Ranger, TV-PG
My God! They’re re-running this already? Who? Who watches this?

9 - 11 MOVIE – “The Malibu Hot Wax Hot Dog Stand”
The classic T&A film from the early 80’s with its every reason for existence lovingly extruded and added to the censor’s outtakes reel, which he plays at parties. A real find for people fascinated by early embarrassments in celebrities’ careers. So John Waters should have a ball.

Lifetime

8 - 8:30 Television for Women

8:30 - 9 Television for Slightly Less Intelligent Women

9 - 9:30 Television for Really God-Awful Dumb Women

9:30 -10 Designing Women

10 - 11 Terminally Ill Knitter’s Nook
(Repeat.)

Encore

8 - 9:30 MOVIE – “Short Circuit 2” “PG,” V, L
Although Steve Guttenberg was too busy to be in the sequel, they did get non- Indian Fisher Stevens back to play lovable Indian stereotype “Ben.”

9:30 - 10 MOVIE – “Mannequin 2: On the Move” “PG,” V, L
Although Andrew McCarthy was too busy to be in the sequel, they did get the lead from Herman’s Head to replace him. Also, the black guy from Designing Women is back to play lovable gay stereotype “Hollywood.”

E!

8 - 9 A History of Exclamation Points in Titles, TV-G
The E! channel explores the history of the use of exclamation points in titles, from Oklahoma! to Damn Yankees! in this fascinating documentary.

9 - 9:30 The Models Wearing Translucent Clothing Fashion Show, TV-14
E!’s popular series continues.

9:30 -10 E! Wild on Amsterdam, TV-14
E!’s wild on series follows a bunch of frisky, attractive young women as they delve deep into the red light district in Amsterdam, going on a pleasure bender and emerging in an opium haze, only able to stay afloat by hawking their bodies in hash bars. Travelogue.

10 - 10:30 Howard Stern, TV-14
Howard’s popular radio show, only somehow more boring.

10:30 - 11 Howard Stern, TV-14
More of the same, only in this episode he’s not even interviewing strippers. Guest: Rob Lowe.

MTV

8 - 9 The Real World, TV-14
Despite strong activity on their website, unfortunately no-one has been voted out of the house yet, although America still holds out hope.

9 - 9:30 Road Rules, TV-14
This episode: Road Rules viewers get road rage, kill Road Rules participants. There is much rejoicing.

9:30 - 10 Undressed, TV-14
Soft-core porn for teenagers. Seeks to encourage sexual responsibility through the fearless examination of such issues as threesomes and sleeping with your stepbrother.
NOTE TO VIEWERS: Despite the look, “Undressed” is NOT filmed in Canada.

10 - 11 Loveline, TV-14
MTV’s fearless dedication to distributing sexual information continues with their popular call-in show, where a doctor spars with an idiot. Tonight’s episode in 3-D!

Discovery

8 - 11 Shark Week 2000 continues.

Animal Planet

8 - 8:30 Crocodile Hunter, TV-PG
Tonight, with the help of his lovely wife Terry, Steve encounters a Mugwalla, subdues a wild Dingly-dang, has some frisky adventures with a Gillawangler, snacks on wild Zagawilla, and has a narrow scrape with a Bazzawuzzler.

8:30 - 9 Ants! Oh My God the ANTS!, TV-PG
Ants cover host Jack Hanna, quickly incapacitating him with millions and millions of tiny bites. The swarming, seething mass... My God but it’s hypnotic. The ants will cover the earth.

9 - 11 MOVIE – “Animal Planet Presents: Animal Planet,” TV-14 In this terrifying, nightmare version of the future, the animals have taken over the world, making this truly an Animal Planet. Don’t miss the horrific climax in which the last human survivors are sacrificed to their goat deity. The film is followed by a short, personal message from Charlton Heston, urging us to kill all the animals before this horrific vision can come to pass. A family pick.

The Food Network

8 - 8:30 Fat Fatty, Fat Fat Fatty, TV-G
Popular food network personality Fat Fatty travels the globe increasing her enormous girth to health-threatening levels, as she samples some of the world’s finest cuisine. CANCELED due to triple-bypass. Rerun scheduled.

8:30 - 9 Lettuce Around the World, TV-G
Join us as we go everywhere, from beantown, where we examine a fine head of Boston Lettuce, to Antarctica, where, frankly, not a leaf of iceberg lettuce is to be found, on this tour of lettuce around the world.

9 -10 Emeril Live, TV-G
The famous cook regales us all with his rallying cry of “Let’s kick it up a notch!” Let's kick it up a notch indeed, fair Emeril. Let’s kick it up a notch indeed.

10 - 11 The Iron Chef, TV-G
Join gen-xers around America in laughing at the Japanese commitment to fine cuisine.

The Cartoon Network

8 - 9 The Wonderful World of Reduced-Cel Animation, TV-G
A delightful tour of reduced cel animation, from the late sixties until today. Watch out for the marvelous scene when Hanna, of Hanna Barbara recounts his moment of epiphany.
QUOTE: “I remember thinking, if this persistence of vision thing works, then maybe we can make it persist a little more. If we show a guy with his arm by his side, then suddenly it’s raised above his head, then everybody’s gonna just assume that he moved it, right? I mean, arms don’t just jump from one place to another.” True enough. They don’t.

9 - 12 Scooby-Doo Marathon, TV-G
A marathon of the popular cartoon series.
SPOILER: It's a guy in a mask.

Comedy Central

8 - 8:30 Win Ben Stein’s Money, TV-PG
For those who thought that his cameo in Ferris Bueller was just too short.

8:30 - 9 Turn Ben Stein On, TV-PG
That charming monotone delivery was tailor-made for a talk show.

9 - 9:30 Tie Ben Stein to a Table and Have Your Way With Him, TV-MA
A new approach to a Stein spin-off. Tonight, Ariana Huffington shows Ben the ancient Greek arts of love.

9:30 - 10 Don’t Forget Your Toothbrush, TV-14
The network that first brought us Mystery Science Theater 3000, and then canceled it, now shows us, in it’s infinite wisdom, why wacky game-shows were the better way to go.

10 - 11 The Same Damn Episode of Saturday Night Live that They’ve Been Showing for Five Years, TV-14
(Repeat.)

Bravo

8 - 9 Inside the Actor’s Studio, TV-PG
Tonight, bearded host James Lipton deep-tongue-kisses Jack Lemmon’s ass.

9 - 11 MOVIE – “Les Infants du Fromage,” “R,” L, N
French film, “The Children of Cheese.” A hit at Sundance, this touching coming of age story will make you regret sitting through it due to the promise of bare breasts suggested by the TV Guide description. B&W.

HBO

8 - 8:30 Arli$$, TV-14
Oh the beefy charms of Robert Wuhl. Oh, that toothy grin, those glasses! Oh how Batman would have been better if it had more of your completely unnecessary character. A new episode of the show that proved just how good Jerry Maguire was.

8:30 - 9 Sex and the City, TV-MA
Oh, I get it now! These women are PROMISCUOUS! Ha-ha! That IS funny! Emmys for all! This episode: too much city, not enough sex. Next week, more sex than city. Still seeking that perfect sex/city balance. Perhaps if someone were to have sex with the city... no, too arty. The dichotomy is inviolable...

9 - 10, The Sopranos, TV-MA
Although a fine examination of mob life, not one true soprano can be found in this hour of television. At best, some of the cast could be described as being mezzo-sopranos, whereas most of them are downright contraltos. A good program, sullied by false advertising. The movie version is better, with that fine Billy Crystal and Robert DeNiro.

10 - 11 Real Sex 92, TV-MA
The popular documentary series exploring people’s un-sexiest practices continues. A scathing expose of tragic people who make sex more difficult than it’s worth. This episode: Midget domination.

Cinemax

8 - 9:30 MOVIE – “The Manure-Cleaner” “PG-13,” L, SS, BN
Rob Schneider stars as a manure cleaner who dreams of being a jockey, and winning the Kentucky Derby. He fails. Yet due to his pluck, he advances to being head of the manure cleaning division. Robin Williams co-stars as his friend, an ex-concentration camp victim and widower who’s undergoing chemotherapy.

9:30 - 11 MOVIE – “The Bikini Voter Registration Booth” “NR” L, SS, SC, N
In this sex romp, three strippers inheret a floundering voter registration booth from one of their long-lost-aunts. Business is slow, and it looks as if an evil land developer might take over until these sex kittens decide on a scheme to inject some of their own special version of “civic activism” into the system. With these ladies on the job, voter turn-out will be at an all time high. Directed by Stanley Kubrick.

Showtime

8 - 9:30 MOVIE – “Smack’d” “R,” L, V, AS
Martin Lawrence stars in this urban cop comedy as a police detective who’s assigned his own mother as a partner (also Lawrence). They’ve got three days to stop a drug lord from bringing his new shipment of heroin into the city. That is, if momma can stop slapping her son first. The sequel, “Smack’d II: Upside the Dead” premieres on Showtime in December.

9:30 - 11 MOVIE – “Virtual Space Vixens” “AO” SS, SC, N
A group of computer geeks create a program which allows them to interact with sexy space godesses in a virtual reality world. The fact that the characters are thus basically indulging in an overly complex sort of masturbation makes it all strangely unerotic.

QVC

9 - 12 Various Collectables For Sale
The white trash stock market continues.

The Weather Channel

9-12 Hard-core pornography.

Arts & Entertainment

8 - 9:30 Arts

9:30 - 11 Entertainment

VH1

8 - 8:30 The List, TV-PG
America’s experts on everything-- the celebrities-- expound their opinions on music.

8:30 - 9 Music Videos
VH1 sees a hole in MTV’s broadcasting and cleverly counter-programs by playing music videos.
9 - 10 Behind the Music, TV-PG
Tonight’s Behind the Music examines the stylings of the musical group “The Shaggs.” The trio of sisters who took the music world by storm with such hits as “My Pal Foot-Foot” is explored in all of their innovative genius. A rare chance to truly understand a companion piece to Kant, Nitzche and Hegel: The Shaggs’ “Philosophy of the World.”

10 - 11 VH1 Storytellers, TV-PG
Tonight, Iggy Pop regales with soothing stories of all night bacchanals in which the only thing to assure him that he was not dead, was the steady thrum of his own heart, audible to him due to a cocktail of heroin and cat tranquilizers.

AMC

8 - 10 MOVIE - Jimmy Stewart in “U.S. War Propaganda Picture #C3184-f” B&W.

10 -11 Pointy Bras of the 50’s: A Film Journey, TV-14

ESPN

8 - 11 World’s Strongest Man Competition XII, TV-PG
Very large men compete in a competition to cement who is the very largest. The 12-part contest is made up of events invented by guys talking at a backyard barbecue. Tonight’s new event: Jumping rope with a bag of washers attached to your testicles.

C-SPAN

8 - 11 Book Talk, TV-G
Ralph Nader talks about his new book. Al Franken addresses... someone. Uh... I think Orrin Hatch is in there somewhere. There was a big... guy, with... He-- he seemed to be discussing the... environment? All right, we’re going to level with you. We didn’t watch the whole tape.

The Family Channel

8 - 11 MOVIE – “Not Without My Dead Mother’s Daughter in Law... Whom I Suppose Would Then Be My Sister-In-Law,” TV-PG
Merideth Baxter-Beirney and Sally Field star in this heart-rending three-hour tele-drama about a family on vacation in Thailand. Trying to forget the death of their mother and mother in law respectively, they unwisely invest in some hash. Soon one of them has to make the choice of whether to face imprisonment in Thailand or to give up her sister-in-law’s life.

The History Channel

8 - 11 World War II: By God What a Great War, TV-G
Oldsters reminisce about what fun it was shooting down “Nips” over the Pacific. A great way to make history come alive for kids.

Sci/Fi

8 - 9 CyberWarz, TV-PG
As we all know, computer people aren’t overweight desk jockeys, but are instead leather-clad cyberpunk hackers who don’t kowtow to anyone and are dedicated to bringing the system down via their skillz. Lonely people might enjoy this show.

9 - 10 Space Barbarians, TV-PG
Kevin Sorbo stars as a loincloth-clad, broadsword wielding intergalactic pilot with his sidekick, the magical owl Merlin II. Be sure to buy the playing cards, so you can share his adventures.

10 -11 Some Cheap Crap

CNN

8 -10 News

10 - 11 Mexican Cock Fighting

In Which I Bring You Two Bits of Joy, to Improve Your Monday

I think it should be clear, by now, that I enjoy bad movies. However, my enjoyment is not restricted to podcasting about them. Sometimes I just like to get together with my friends Elliott and Erik and watch one.

Well, recently we watched a little film called Hard Rock Zombies, and there was one particular element of the movie that Erik thought needed to be on YouTube, copyright be damned!

And if that doesn't make you happy, then how about...
.
.
.
.



















CAT HIGH FIVE!!!?

Honorable Mention

I'm an honorable mention this week, over at Daniel Radosh's New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest. If this keeps up, the Anti New Yorker will be hiring me any day now.

The Flop House Episode Three is ONLINE!

The Flop House team listens to (and, unfortunately, watches) A Sound of Thunder. Meanwhile, Simon plans a diamond heist, Stu does a little Edward Burns math, and Dan apologizes for things he didn't do... and the entire gang would rather be watching a film about a crime-fighting dinosaur.

Download it here, or paste theflophouse.libsyn.com/rss into iTunes (or your favorite podcatching software) to have new episodes delivered to you directly, as they're released.

0:00 - 0:34 - Introduction and theme music.
0:34 - 2:56 - Synopsis of A Sound of Thunder, courtesy of Wikipedia.
2:57 - 32:06 - What is the sound of one thunder clapping?
32:07 - 35:51- The sad bastards recommend stuff that doesn't suck.
35:52 - 39:49 - Goodbyes, theme music, and outtakes.

The Flop House is Getting Its Act Together

Hey all, remember The Flop House, the podcast I started last month? Well, aside from now having released two WILDLY SUCCESSFUL episodes (I now have a money bin that I swim around in, all thanks to podcasting), with a third episode coming early next week, there's more exciting Flop House news:

You can now find The Flop House on iTunes. This should be a huge boon to those of you who are physically unable to cut and paste our RSS feed into your podcatcher, due to a tragic case of ctrl-c/ ctrl-v-specific carpal tunnel (theflophouse.libsyn.com/rss, in case you forgot).

The Flop House now has its own blog (although I'll probably double-post everything here, since this is my clearinghouse site for all of my projects). So you can follow the show and post comments without all this Dan-centric jibber jabber. We all know you're just in it for Simon's sweet dulcet tones.

And lastly, we have an official show email -- specifically "theflophousepodcast (at) gmail (dot) com." So you can e-mail us there with any feedback. Maybe we'll read your letter on the air. Just, y'know, remember to send the email with the proper address format, and without all the spambot-flummoxing "ats" and "dots."

So jump on this bullet train to Podcast Success City (just east of Pittsburgh) and catch the number one Internet audio show hosted by three guys who talk about bad movies after having a few beers!*

*according to no-one.

The Flop House: Episode Two - Memory

In the second episode of The Flop House, the team travels deep into unexplored reaches of the Billy Zane catalogue, to unearth a repressed (or at least barely theatrically released) Memory. Meanwhile, Simon contemplates suicide, Stuart can't seem to turn off his phone, and Dan coins a new improv troupe name.

Download it here, or paste theflophouse.libsyn.com/rss into iTunes (or your favorite podcatching software) to have new episodes delivered to you directly, as they're released.

0:00 - 0:34 - Introduction and theme music.
0:34 - 1:40 - Synopsis of Memory courtesy of Wikipedia.
1:40 - 28:19 - Oh, Memory, why can't we forget you?
28:19 - 32:56 - The sad bastards recommend stuff that doesn't suck.
32:56 - 34:30 - Goodbyes, theme music, and outtakes.

The Flop House Theme courtesy of Keith Burgun.

Captains in Space on the Radio Tonight!

Mr. Federico Hatoum Esq., A.K.A. Captain Fed A.K.A. producer/co-director/editor/special effects supervisor for Captains in Space will be on East Village Radio show Fist City tonight at 9, to discuss the series. (If you want to be sure not to miss it, subscribe to the podcast feed.) Yes, a podcast being discussed on an Internet radio show that is also a podcast. Your computer may explode with the insignificance. Was Fed booked simply because the hosts of Fist City make a cameo appearance in the latest episode? You'll have to listen to find out!*


*Actually, you could probably just guess the answer.

I'm a Winner...

Well. Insomuch as I won Daniel Radosh's New Yorker Anti Caption Contest this week. I'm not exactly proud of the winning caption, y'understand. The joke's kind of horrible. But remember, the point of the contest is to think up the worst possible caption for the cartoon. You have been duly disclaimed.

I Was on Internet Radio Last Night

I was remiss in drawing attention to this, other than a mention in the upcoming shows sidebar, but I was on Elliott Kalan and Brock Mahan's East Village Radio show/ podcast Fist City last night, explaining the gospel according to Slylock Fox. If you want to catch up, you can listen to the most recent episode here. Or, if you subscribe to the podcast, check out the 8/23/07 show.

Fist City comes on at approximately the 1 hour mark, and my bit is around 1:45. Woo!

Hey Everyone - I'm Podcasting!

So... what's new with you? Nothing? That's cool. Me? Well I'VE STARTED A PODCAST.

Yeah, sure, Captains in Space is technically a video podcast, but this is the first podcast that I'm personally producing. And it's free of all those pesky "pictures," which makes it all the easier to enjoy in a crowded subway, or while driving your car.

What's the podcast? It's called The Flop House. What's it about? It's about me and my friends Simon Fisher and Stuart Wellington getting together, having a drink or two, watching a bad movie (usually one released in the last few years), and then discussing it. And you get to listen. What fun for you! What could be more exciting than three dudes rambling into a cheap microphone? (Speaking of which, I apologize for the questionable audio quality of this first installment - I learned a lot producing and editing it, which will be applied to all future recordings).

What's on tap for the first episode? Let's read from the official Flop House blog:

The Flop House: Episode One - Stealth

In the inaugural episode of The Flop House, the team examines Rob Cohen's fighter-plane-run-amok film Stealth. Meanwhile, Simon discusses sex toys, Stuart does some video store filing, and Dan mispronounces "sentient" a lot.

Also, the gang recommends a few things that don't suck.

0:00 - 1:10 - Introductions, themes, and such.
1:10 - 21:30 - Stealth. Fun factory, or snore factory?
21:30 - 24:30 - Final Judgments
24:30 - 29:10 - The sad bastards recommend.
29:10 - 30:28 - It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. Also to the Flop House.

Look for new episodes bimonthly (although the second one may be slightly delayed due to a Stuart business trip). To subscribe to have new episodes delivered directly to you as they're released, paste theflophouse.libsyn.com/rss into iTunes, or your favorite podcatching software.









The super-geniuses behind the Flop House.

The Worst in a Long Line of Bad Business Decisions

Good luck with your comically outmoded business model, AOL.

CAPTAINS IN SPACE EPISODE SIX!

Sure it's been a while. Okay, 11 months to be exact. I could explain why it took so long for the newest episode to come out... but, honestly, it's boring. Wouldn't you rather be using that valuable time watching the latest episode of Captains in Space? Just think of us as if we're a BBC show or something, where you're lucky if you even get six episodes total.

The latest episode, Beauty, is our biggest and most complex yet, with seven speaking parts, and the cutting-edge Lost in Space-quality special effects you've come to expect from Captains in Space.

Download the high-quality video file here, or subscribe to the iTunes podcast feed to have it delivered to your computer to import to your video iPod. (Ooh! Portable! Show it to all your friends!)

Or, if you like your video fuzzy and blurred, click on the YouTube version below.



Captains in Space: Beauty

Episode Written by: Matt Koff
Additional Material by: The Captains in Space writing staff

Director/ Cinematography/ Audio: Brad Bergbom
Producer/ Assistant Director/ Editor/ Special Effects: Fed Hatoum
3D Modeling: Winston Johnson
Head Writer: Dan McCoy
Writing Staff: Matt Koff, Fed Hatoum, Andrew Dickerson
Writing Consultants: Erik Marcisak, Adam Walden

Cast:
Captain Fed - Fed Hatoum
Captain Adam - Adam Walden
Frankie - Vedette Lim
Robo-Dan - Dan McCoy
Cosmonaut One - Brock Mahan
Cosmonaut Two - Elliott Kalan
??? - Matt Koff

Items for Sale in the Back of "Hi-Lo There! The Hi and Lois Collector's Fanzine," Issue 103

• Signed first edition of Hi's and Lo's, My Hiloious Life Drawing Hi and Lois, by Dik Browne, with a foreward by Salman Rushdie.

• Rare censored strip, in which Ditto berates his parents: "Ditto? You named me Ditto? So, what, my name is basically Dot II? Why not just name me 'Afterthought' or 'We're Too Lazy To Come Up With Anything Else?!' Goddamn it! ... I'll be at the Lockhorns."

• Copy of Action Comics Number One, featuring the first appearance of Trixie. Note that in this early incarnation, she does not have her "Sunbeam" powers. Also, she's named Kal-el.
  

• Contentious series of letters between Browne and Mort Walker, in which Walker castigates Browne for "diluting my devastating portrait of suburban ennui."

• Tijuana Bible detailing a very special army leave, in which Lois "rewards" her brother Beetle for defending our country. Slightly used.

In Which I Post a Gmail Chat Transcript Which Illustrates Just How Irritating I Can Be

me: 1:28 PM HEAT ADVISORY

HEAT ADVISORY

Let me give you a little heat advice.

It's hot out.

HEAT ADVISORY!

Matt: ... thanks.

1:29 PM me: HOW DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER?!?

1:30 PM Matt: Are you okay?

Maybe you're dehydrated.

me: A thought.

1:31 PM I met Erik to give him back some video games and get some tacos...

And

lo and behold

NO TACOS

Matt: Why not

me: The stand... was GONE.

Also, Erik was late.

Matt: Wow.

1:32 PM me: Don't worry.

It has a happy ending.

Erik showed up 6 minutes later, and I gave him the video games.

And I went elsewhere...

to get...

a BURRITO.

1:33 PM I'm thinking of making it into a movie.

1:35 PM The Day the Taco Was a Burrito

Or

The Burritoening

Or

Where's Erik? AND MY TACOS?

1:36 PM Or

Matt: As a friend

me: Pride and Prejudice

Matt: I'm telling you

stop now

me: Stop pre-production on said film?

Or stop bugging you?

1:37 PM Matt: Well, ideally, both.

For, neither will end well.

me: >sigh<

Well, see you later.

1:38 PM Matt: Vaya con dios.

Summer Funtime Special TONIGHT

In honor of tonight's premiere of The Summer Funtime Special (a fun summertime sketch comedy show celebrating fun summertime fun), we ask the question:

Is the Summer Funtime Special more fun than a random assortment of images called up when doing a Google image search for "summer fun?"












Just saying Fun in the Sun! doesn't make it so, Fun in the Sun. Plus, what are all those speckles around you? Look like pockmarks to me. I think what you need is to spend a little time out of the sun, maybe in a nice baking soda bath. That ought to stop the itching.

Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.














You know what makes this paper plate Summer-themed? No, it's not the sun, or the beach accouterments, or the palm tree. It's that this disposable paper plate personally contributes to the imminent ENDLESS SUMMER of global warming, what with the deforestation and the petrochemicals and whatnot. BOOOooooo! Boo, Summer-Themed Paper Plate!

Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.












Sure, I enjoy reading books as much as the next librarian's son. But a tree that yields book fruit? Truly these are some dark majicks indeed. Plus, look at the poor indentured laborer picking the books-- he's halfway off that ladder! Were you aware that book-picking accidents were responsible for 172 deaths in the last second alone? And the tragedy of it all is he's probably picking some shit by Nicholas Sparks.

Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.













Sure, the sun relaxing in an innertube, with giant John Lennon shades and a cool drink seems fun, until you realize that the resulting steam explosion will soon dwarf the one in New York City by a factor of several billion.

Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.













AUGHHHHHHHH! GIANT STYLIZED JAPANESE SQUID!!!

Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.












Nothing is more fun than Froggy Going Fishing.

Advantage: Froggy Going Fishing.

Still, in 5 out of 6 instances, the Summer Funtime Special is more fun than random images culled from a Google image search for "Summer Fun." Better play it safe and come to the Summer Funtime Special.

Thursday - Sunday at 8:00pm
July 26, 27, 28 & 29
at the Sage Theater
711 7th Avenue, Times Square

Starring Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Dan McCoy, and Stacy Mayer
Written by Rob Bates, Matt Koff and Dan McCoy
Directed by Jeremy Westphal
Artistic Director: Stacy Mayer
Stage Manager: Karie Hunt
Part of MC2's The Big Bang