This Fall, Bangkok Gets CAGED

I'm fascinated by the upcoming film Bangkok Dangerous, and all the questions it raises. Some of my questions involve Nicholas Cage's greasy hair, and whether he uses it to whip thugs into submission, but most focus on the title. Are the villains that Nic Cage faces so devilishly (and grammatically) evil that they've stolen the word "is" from the very title of the film? Is it a play on the everyday phrase "Bangkok Dangerous?" As in, "Oh, you don't want to fuck with Nic Cage, man. That motherfucker is BANGKOK Dangerous." Is the entire film simply a poorly-translated warning video put out by the Bankok tourism board, and if so, what's their budget? Nic Cage's greasy hair don't come cheap.

Mainly, I just wonder what they'll name the sequel. "Bangkok Dangerous" is such a perfect void of meaning, a phrase of such exquisite, dumb emptiness that I worry it can't be topped. When you stare into Bangkok Dangerous, Bangkok Dangerous stares back into you.

Still, I thought I could offer the producers some possibilities. One obvious option is simply to switch locations:




















Or they could move to a different city and add some punk rock flair:




















Better yet, they could expand on the sexual pun inherent in "Bangkok:"




















Perhaps they could keep the innuendo while maintaining a faux-Eastern feel...




















Or they could dispense with all subtlety, and go more clinical:




















But they should probably just go with something brutally honest:

Summer Funtime Special TONIGHT

In honor of tonight's premiere of The Summer Funtime Special (a fun summertime sketch comedy show celebrating fun summertime fun), we ask the question:

Is the Summer Funtime Special more fun than a random assortment of images called up when doing a Google image search for "summer fun?"












Just saying Fun in the Sun! doesn't make it so, Fun in the Sun. Plus, what are all those speckles around you? Look like pockmarks to me. I think what you need is to spend a little time out of the sun, maybe in a nice baking soda bath. That ought to stop the itching.

Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.














You know what makes this paper plate Summer-themed? No, it's not the sun, or the beach accouterments, or the palm tree. It's that this disposable paper plate personally contributes to the imminent ENDLESS SUMMER of global warming, what with the deforestation and the petrochemicals and whatnot. BOOOooooo! Boo, Summer-Themed Paper Plate!

Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.












Sure, I enjoy reading books as much as the next librarian's son. But a tree that yields book fruit? Truly these are some dark majicks indeed. Plus, look at the poor indentured laborer picking the books-- he's halfway off that ladder! Were you aware that book-picking accidents were responsible for 172 deaths in the last second alone? And the tragedy of it all is he's probably picking some shit by Nicholas Sparks.

Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.













Sure, the sun relaxing in an innertube, with giant John Lennon shades and a cool drink seems fun, until you realize that the resulting steam explosion will soon dwarf the one in New York City by a factor of several billion.

Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.













AUGHHHHHHHH! GIANT STYLIZED JAPANESE SQUID!!!

Advantage: Summer Funtime Special.












Nothing is more fun than Froggy Going Fishing.

Advantage: Froggy Going Fishing.

Still, in 5 out of 6 instances, the Summer Funtime Special is more fun than random images culled from a Google image search for "Summer Fun." Better play it safe and come to the Summer Funtime Special.

Thursday - Sunday at 8:00pm
July 26, 27, 28 & 29
at the Sage Theater
711 7th Avenue, Times Square

Starring Rob Bates, Matt Koff, Dan McCoy, and Stacy Mayer
Written by Rob Bates, Matt Koff and Dan McCoy
Directed by Jeremy Westphal
Artistic Director: Stacy Mayer
Stage Manager: Karie Hunt
Part of MC2's The Big Bang

In Which I Present a Long-Lost Movie Tie-In

Below are several participle-based movie titles. Can you circle the ones that aren't real?

• Gleaming the Cube
• Saving Silverman
• Feeling Minnesota
• Shucking the Oyster
• Torking the Flange
• Dorfing the Golf
• Smucking the Jam

What Are Some Other Things You Might Like to Gleam?
Write your answers below:

_____________
_____________
_____________
_____________
_____________

Michael Tolkien, screenwriter of Gleaming the Cube, also wrote Robert Altman's The Player. Does this mean that Gleaming the Cube is also a good film?

In Which I Blow the Lid Off a Cartoon Industry Secret

In certain rare cases, cartoon children and teens can grow up into human celebrities. For instance, did you know that she...







...became her?







Likewise, this burger enthusiast...






...grew up to be this gentleman:







Last, and perhaps most shockingly, this...








...became this:







IT'S A FACT!

In Which I Reimagine a Motion Picture Ad Campaign

Last night I was having a drink with friends, after going to see the excellent Korean monster movie The Host. Talk turned (as it usually does, with me) to bad movies. My buddy Simon mentioned that he hated the tag line to the recent non-smash-hit Hannibal Rising. The poster is reproduced below (letters enlarged for readability).



















He pointed out that, by definition, something can't start with revenge. So I suggested an alternate tag line:




















Or, if they wanted to inject a little bit of comics page whimsy, how about a word balloon:



















Then again, with the mask on, it would probably sound more like:



















In the end, we decided on brutal honesty:



















Oh, with deft Photoshopping skills like this, it's a wonder that I'm still a low-paid temp.