The Flop House Episode Twelve is ONLINE

Jessica Alba and Hayden Christensen apply all of their Flop House star power to Awake, a strangely sedate thriller about a man who spends much of the movie paralyzed. Then dead. But don't worry; it has a happy ending. Meanwhile, Elliott takes our very first caller, Dan admires the bravery of Sean Connery's Medicine Man, and Stu introduces the review sensation that's sweeping the nation.

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0:00 - 0:30 - Introduction and theme.
0:30 - 3:21 - We waste a fair amount of time talking about our new microphones.
3:22 - 28:50 - Jessica Alba AND Hayden Christensen? Is there any way the movie Awake CAN'T be good?
28:51 - 37:20 Final judgements
37:21 - 38:57 A brief intermission for a story about Dan in his pajamas.
38:58 - 51:44 The sad bastards recommend
51:45 - 56:26 Podcasty business, goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

Paste theflophouse.libsyn.com/rss into iTunes (or your favorite podcatching software) to have new episodes of The Flop House delivered to you directly, as they're released.

Hey, if you haven't gotten the message by now, new microphones! If the sound quality of the earlier shows have been holding you back, now's your time to jump in again. And tell your friends.

And lastly, SHINY NEW FLOPHOUSE LOGO! Thanks to John McCoy for designing it for us.










Wikipedia synopsis of Awake.

Unca Dan's Comical Funnies #9

You Dropped the Ball, New York Tabloids

Like everyone in New York, I was excited to see what headlines the tabloids would use for the Elliott Spitzer prostitution scandal. Yet I was disappointed when the best the Daily News could come up with, was:

"PAY FOR LUV GOV"

Really, Daily News? I mean, aside from barely making any sense (it sounds like the hookers were paying him and I sincerely doubt Spitzer's that great a lay) the best you could do was to shorten governor and rhyme it with "luv?" This looks like something you'd find in a Valentine's Day Candy Heart Scandal-Pak. Where's the elan? The ribald puns? The ugly joy of a conservative rag reveling in the fall of a democratic governor? Surely the New York Post wouldn't let me down!

"HO NO!"

Yes, that's what they came up with. Ho no. It's not without its pithy charms. It has some of the punning, unseemly enthusiasm I'm looking for. But come on! This is a major sex scandal featuring the governor of our home state! Let's get it together, New York tabloids! How about something like...

CONCU-BIND!

or

GOV BRINGS WHOREMONY TO NY POLITICS

or

GOVERNOR HARD ON BALL STREET

or

SLITS SITS ON SPITZ' BITS*

*this would also be the Daily Variety headline.

or
REFORM CUMS TO AL-BONING

Then again, they could go with something a little more subtle...

This Week's Comic...

Will be up tomorrow, for the simple reason that I forgot about it.

The Flop House Movie Minute #1 is ONLINE

We're going to start producing short, supplemental episodes to put out in weeks without a full-length Flop House, so that listeners don't have to wait quite so long for new content. In this first episode, Dan addresses some of the material lost (thanks to technical difficulties) from the Awards Floptacular episode.

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We hope you like the new Movie Minute supplements. Thanks for listening.

The Flop House: Episode Eleven is ONLINE

Special guest Elliott Kalan returns to discuss what has been called "The Academy Awards of movies," the Oscars. Meanwhile, Stuart hands out tips about the Internet, Dan learns what it means to be a really unlikely stripper, and Elliott fears running afoul of Wayne Enterprises.

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0:00 - 0:33 Introduction and theme.
0:34 - 31:49 Welcoming special guest host, Elliott Kalan (segment producer, The Daily Show; humor columnist, Metro), and discussion of the 80th annual Academy Awards.
31:50 - 39:30 Elliott discusses his own experiences helping to produce the 2006 Oscars telecast, and Dan tries to jump in with his own shameless name-dropping.
39:31 - 43:15 We discuss the Razzies, which, coincidentally, was dominated by the film we watched the last time Elliott guest hosted.
43:16 - 45:51 We get bored talking about the Razzies and drift back to the Oscars.
45:52 - 46:39 Dan's cursed laptop provides the show with a shocking twist ending. Also, podcasty business is briefly addressed.
46:40 - 47:26 End theme and outtakes.

Paste theflophouse.libsyn.com/rss into iTunes (or your favorite podcatching software) to have new episodes of The Flop House delivered to you directly, as they're released.

NOTE: In this episode, I incorrectly identify our email address as "theflophouse" at gmail.com. It is, of course, "theflophousepodcast" (of course because, in 2008, every other damn email address has been taken).

FLOPHOUSE THEATER -- Enjoy the Gay Cowboy Montage that guest host Elliott Kalan helped produce:

Unca Dan's Comical Funnies, #8

In Which I Exploit Myself

It's a constant source of amazement to me that television and movies haven't come calling with their high-priced development deals, mid-priced screenwriting fees, or low-priced basic cable beer money.

But perhaps I'm aiming too high. To that end, I've compiled this list of potential direct-to-DVD exploitation titles that I'd be willing to script, for the low price of a couple of student loan payments. I think you'll agree that these are can't-miss ideas. Come on, money men! Let's talk!

Death Bear! The Bear of Death

The Fondler

Clit-Piercing Mummies

Night of the Shabbily-Dressed Alley Stranger

Ginormo-Gopher

Flamethrowing Texican: The Border Protocol 2, Siesta de los Muertos

Terror of Pointy-Jabber

The Return of the Clone of the Guy Who Cloned Himself

The Soapbox Derby Angels

Gloveless Strangler (AKA The Fingerprint Killer!)

Shark Babies

Prime Minister Boobs Chestley of Sex Beach

Thrust!

The Zeppelin Vikings

The Fondler 2: Fondled, Spindled, and Mutilated

Robo Chupacabra

Unca Dan's Comical Funnies #7

The Flop House Episode Ten is ONLINE!

Comedian Ritch Duncan joins us to talk about "comedian" Dane Cook, and his movie Good Luck Chuck -- a poignant film about love lost, found, and crotch-biting penguins. Meanwhile Dan makes a plea for exploitation filmmakers to stick to their guns, Ritch explains when to allow a bird to ingest its own feces, and Stuart encourages our audience in an act of vandalism against video stores across the nation.

Download it here, or paste theflophouse.libsyn.com/rss into iTunes (or your favorite podcatching software) to have new episodes of The Flop House delivered to you directly, as they're released.

0:00 - 0:32 Introduction and theme.
0:32 - 1:35 Welcoming special guest host Ritch Duncan, stand-up comic, and former editor-in-chief for Jest Magazine, and former writer for PRI's Fair Game and Comedy Central's Tough Crowd With Colin Quinn.
1:36 - 41:00 We upchuck Good Luck Chuck - a movie which, by the way, is about as unfunny and unpleasant as the first part of this sentence.
41:01 - 45:35 For the very first time, a movie manages to break the Final Judgement segment of The Flop House.
45:36 - 54:02 The sad bastards recommend.
54:03 - 55:12 Goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

Two notes, one good, one bad:

The GOOD: I've discovered how to compress these files further, so that, going forward, the shows will not be monster 80 MB downloads. Sorry about the size of previous episodes. You'll note that this one, despite being nearly an hour, is a svelte 25 MB.

The BAD: This episode has an (extremely, extremely quiet, but still noticeable) constant stream of background chatter. I do not know why. Most likely, the headphones for my TV were switched on, and near the mic, while recording, so that we could not hear this ambient noise during the session, but it got picked up on the podcast. Sorry about that -- it won't happen again. In the meanwhile, why don't you pretend that you're listening to this episode on old-fashioned terrestrial radio, and what you're hearing is the next channel in the AM dial bleeding into this one. It'll make you feel like you're on a long road trip with your parents... except that your folks are inexplicably listening to three foul-mouthed guys kicking a movie while it's down. Enjoy!









Wikipedia synopsis of Good Luck Chuck.

In Which I Make My Yearly Oscar Picks

It's that time of year again, guys -- Oscar season! The magical time of year when people gather under the mistletoe to drink mulled Colombian cocaine (just like their favorite stars!); go into the woods to chop down Cuba Gooding Jr., and decorate their house with his tinsel-bestrewn body; and shave their heads and spray paint themselves gold, just like Oscar himself! Then they die, like that girl in Goldfinger.

But before they do, hopefully they get a chance to watch the Academy Awards ceremony, literally the only Hollywood awards show to be called the Academy Awards! Who will win? Who will lose? Who will that delightfully catty Joan Rivers harass on the red carpet? And when will some crazy sniper snipe Joan Rivers already?

If you're anything like me, you're about 5'11, dark-haired, and named Dan. (BWAH-HA-HA! Thanks, Academy Awards mainstay Bruce Villanch! I'll send that check to your Cayman Islands account.) And if you're anything like me, you're already making your picks for the office Oscar pool. So consider this a handy guide to the likely winners, so you can smoke that irritating secretary out of her five bucks. Just don't forget to send me my cut of your winnings! Rimshot! (Bruce, you've done it again!)

Of course, if you are anything like me, you know all this stuff already... and if you're like me, you're in the middle of writing an article about it... maybe this article.

Maybe you ARE me.

Okay, now I'm scared. I take it back. Fuck you, Villanch. Let's just get straight to the predictions.

BEST WRITING (ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY)

Juno
Lars and the Real Girl
Michael Clayton
Ratatouille
The Savages

Look to Juno to win this category because Diablo Cody former stripper blogger blog blog bloggity stripper strip strip strip! She blogged! And then stripped about it! Stripping blog Diablo stripper strippity strip Cody strip strip. Strip. Kimya Dawson.

Odds - 1:1

BEST WRITING (ADAPTED SCREENPLAY)

Atonement
Away From Her
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
No Country for Old Men
There Will Be Blood

Atonement should sweep this category, as screenwriter Christopher Hampton (Oscar nominee for Dangerous Liasons) adapted the shit out of that scene where Keira Knightly climbed out of the fountain in a clingy, wet white slip. Basically, with this, and the Uma Thurman scenes in his previous nomination, Hampton is the man to beat when it comes to high-toned literary tit-envisioning.

Odds - 2:1

BEST ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Cate Blanchett - I'm Not There
Ruby Dee - American Gangster
Saoirse Ronan - Atonement
Amy Ryan - Gone Baby Gone
Tilda Swinton - Michael Clayton

Cate Blanchett will win for her amazing committment to the role of Bob Dylan. Much like Robert DeNiro, who gained 80 pounds to play Jake LaMotta in Raging Bull, Blanchett put on 0.5 pounds, in the form of a working penis. She also converted to Judaism, spent years in New York as a folk singer, went electric, went through a Christian period, then did a Victoria's Secret ad. All while being kind of a dick.

Odds - 0.5 lbs:1

BEST ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Casey Affleck - The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Javier Bardem - No Country for Old Men
Philip Seymour Hoffman - Charlie Wilson's War
Hal Holbrook - Into the Wild
Tom Wilkinson - Michael Clayton

While Casey Affleck will pick up an Independent Spirit Award for the "Best Performance by a Supporting Actor in a Film With a Title Exceeding Nine Words in Length," Philip Seymor Hoffman will win this one for his uncanny ability to sweat on cue.

Odds - Philip:Seymour Hoffman

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

Cate Blanchett - Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Julie Christie - Away From Her
Marion Cotillard - La Vie en Rose
Laura Linney - The Savages
Ellen Page - Juno

After reading the reviews, I'd say it's less Elizabeth: The Golden Age, and more "Elizabeth: The P-HEW-ter Age," right? (All is forgiven, Bruce!) Anyway, Ellen Page is a shoo-in in this category, because I am in love with her. Really. She's mine. Back off all you skinny-jean emo boys, or I will FUCKING CUT YOU WITH MY KNIFE. Ellen, we can be together. I feel it deep in my soul.

Odds - Seriously, back the fuck off.

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

George Clooney - Michael Clayton
Daniel Day-Lewis - There Will Be Blood
Johnny Depp - Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Tommy Lee Jones - In the Valley of Elah
Viggo Mortensen - Eastern Promises

Daniel Day-Lewis will win this one, for his stirring portrayal of an innocent capitalist driven mad by society’s intolerance of men with funny voices and milkshake obsessions.

Odds – mustache:1

BEST PICTURE

Michael Clayton
Juno
There Will Be Blood
Atonement
No Country for Old Men

This is such a strong field that Best Picture is a tough race to call. Thus, we can only pick a winner using the traditional method. Anagrams.

Right away, Juno is disqualified for having no anagrams. Sorry, Juno! Guess like you died in childbirth! Ha ha ha ha ha! But seriously, that would be tragic.

Michael Clayton gives us “Ethnically Coma,” which seems both depressing and potentially racist, and also “Technical Loamy.” Sorry, Michael Clayton – I prefer my loam to be actual, not to skate in through a loophole.

Atonement gives us “Matte Neon,” which just doesn’t make sense. Neon is inherently glossy. Make up your mind, Atonement!

No Country for Old Men is more promising. It renders “Nor Not Monocled Fury,” which was, I believe, the original subtitle to Edith Wharton’s The House of Mirth. Also “Unforced Nylon Motor,” which sounds like a tremendous invention.

Ultimately, however, There Will Be Blood has to emerge triumphant, on the strength of “Boobed Hitler Well.” I don’t know what it means, but I find it both horrifying and titillating. And what more can you expect from a movie?

Sodd - Blob:Lewd Hotelier

Happy wagering!

Unca Dan's Comical Funnies Are the True Patriots

UDCF is taking a break for Presidents' Day. In the meanwhile, take this opportunity to meditate on some of our greatest leaders' famous sayings.

Just Think...

Hundreds of thousands of years ago, our forebears Fred and Wilma were trying to decide between Hilary Clinstone and Barerock Obama.

The more things change, man...

(This post is improved 100% if, after reading it, you click here [turn sound on, or wear headphones at work])

Dorky Valentine Greetings

Unca Dan's Comical Funnies #6: Belated/ Re-Drawn Edition

So, I drew a much nicer version of this comic, but the secretary at work threw it out, without bothering to ask whether I might need it for some reason. So here's the replacement version that I drew in approximately five minutes. If you have any problem with that, take it up with her.

Unca Dan's Comics TK

I wrote/drew my Monday comic, but then I forgot it at work, like an idiot-- and then I spent all of the evening recording my next podcast. I promise that I'll post a slightly belated comic tomorrow.

Finally!

The African-American-themed remake of Welcome Home Roxy Carmichael I've been waiting for!

My Gambling Has Gotten Out of Control

It's happened again. You may remember from last year that I lost a ton of money around this time, due to some bad sports bets... specifically my bets on Puppy Bowl III. I bet the puppies wouldn't be adorable. Turns out, they were totally adorable. I bet there wouldn't be any scampering. Well, you can guess how that turned out.

Well, you might figure that, come Puppy Bowl IV, ol' Dan would've learned his lesson. And I thought I had -- I came up with a foolproof scheme. This year, I would avoid betting on the puppies entirely. No way to lose, right?

Instead, I decided to bet on the kitty halftime show.

Big mistake. I bet that the kitties wouldn't be furry and tiny and sweet as can be.















BUT THEY WERE ALL OF THOSE THINGS.

God, I'm so stupid. I thought I was being smart, spreading my money around a bit. Never put all your eggs in one basket, that's what I always say. So I bet ten grand that the kitties would be able to resist unraveling a whole ball of yarn that someone had carelessly left on the football field for some reason. BUT THEY COULDN'T. I bet twenty that they'd know better than to chase a laser pen all over the place, tripping and jumping and pouncing in the cutest way. BUT THEY DIDN'T. I put a cool fifty thou down that they'd resist scratching the scratching post, stretching their darling little bodies all the way up to the tippy top. NO DICE. I think there was some sort of cat drug inside that scratching post. Who even knew there was such a thing?

Okay, in retrospect, those may seem like bad bets. "Dan," you say, "Why on earth would you bet against a whole miniature football field full of kittens being cute?" Well, does a 1,000,000-to-1 PAYOFF mean anything to you? I took a shot. Dreamed the big dream. Sadly, it turns out those odds-makers know their business.

I just have one request. When they find me at the bottom of the east river--both kneecaps broken, after my bookie collects his debt in blood--don't blame the kittens. Their only crime was to be lovable.

Unca Dan's Comical Funnies, #5

Captains in Space - THE LOST EPISODE!

And now, from the mixed-up files of Mr. Daniel K McFrankenwiler, comes this script for a "lost episode" of Captains in Space. What's that? You've forgotten what Captains in Space is? All right, point taken. It has been six months since our last episode. However, we shot two new scripts recently, and series creator Captain Fed is hard at work editing the first one. It should be out sometime within the next month, if not earlier.

In the meantime, smart guy, enjoy this never-before seen, first draft of a never-produced episode, written by yours truly. Why was it never produced? Does it suck? Well, only you can answer that question, but as I remember it, I wrote three scripts ('cuz I'm just prolific like that) and Fed preferred the other two. Still, I think it's worth a few chuckles, and is an interesting peek behind-the-scenes.

“CAPTAINS”, EPISODE: “OUTLANDISH ONE!” - by Dan McCoy

EXT. SPACE

Captain Adam and Captain Fed’s spaceship, the OTTO 5, flies by camera, the vastness of space behind it.

INT. ADAM’S ROOM

ADAM is wearing a superhero outfit that appears cobbled together from items he found on the ship.

FED ENTERS.

FED
Adam, have you seen my petrie dish? I’m not accusing you of anything, I just know how you like to use them to sprout avocado pits, but I...
(Fed notices what Adam is wearing)
What are you wearing?

ADAM
Fed! Great, you’re back! Can you tie my cape on? I can’t work the laces behind my head.

FED
What? No, I’m not going to tie a cape on you. Besides, you could just tie the laces in front and then turn the whole thing around.

ADAM
Brilliant! With your brains and my powers, there’s nothing we can’t...

FED
Powers? Adam, what are you talking about? What’s going on?

ADAM
Don’t worry, my young companion. All will be explained in due time.

FED
I’m thirty-eight.

ADAM
Yes, all will be explained, but a tale this fantastic, this heroic, this... outlandish can only be told with the appropriate dramatic music. Hit it Frankie!

FRANKIE
You got it, you dynamic un-doer of evil-doing! Underscoring away!

FED
What?

MUSIC: Dramatic super-hero-style score.

ADAM
It seemed like a day, like any other day, for devilishly handsome mild-mannered space-ship captain, Captain Adam... but little did he know that this day would change his life forever! While his cowardly sidekick, Fed, was on shore leave on a nearby moon...

FED
Cowardly sidekick Fed?

ADAM
(ignoring Fed)
Captain Adam was suddenly bombarded by Gamma radiation from a passing meteor shower...

FED
Gamma radiation? Oh, God!

ADAM
Captain Adam suddenly lost consciousness... but when he awoke, he found that he’d been endowed with mysterious powers, and vowed that from now on, he’d fight wrongdoing as the Outlandish One!

MUSIC ENDS.

FED
Adam, I...

FRANKIE
(singing)
Outlandish One, Outlandish One! He fights crime with his powerful thumb! He’s got style, he’s got class! Ladies go for his super-ass! Hey you! Dig the Outlandish One!
Outlandish One, Outlandish One! He’s the greatest Miles Standish one! He’s a pip, yes he is! Best pectorals in the biz...

During the song, Adam has been running back and forth, striking various dramatic poses in time to the music. He gets more and more out of breath and finally stops, panting.

ADAM
That’s enough Frankie.

Frankie stops singing.

ADAM (CONT'D)
God, why am I so out of breath?

FED
Probably because you have radiation sickness!

ADAM
Pish tosh! I’ve never felt better. Weren’t you listening to the song?

FED
Yes, I was, actually. What’s this about you having a super thumb?

ADAM
That’s my power! The gamma radiation gave me a super thumb-- well, thumbnail, actually-- that’s impervious to damage.

FED
That’s the dumbest super power I’ve ever heard of.

FRANKIE
...So said that dubious doubter, that pernicious pessimist, the Outlandish O’s slippery sidekick, Captain Fed!

FED
Adam, why is Frankie talking like that?

ADAM
Oh, when I became a super-hero, I programmed her to talk like Stan Lee.

FRANKIE
Excelsior!

FED
Shut up!
(to Adam)
Look, you do not have a super-strong thumbnail. That’s not how Gamma Radiation works!

ADAM
Says you! Look, I’ll prove it.

Adam pulls out a lighter and lights it, holding it up to his thumbnail.

ADAM (CONT'D)
See! I’m holding it in direct flame, and yet I’m feeling absolutely no...

Adam drops the lighter and begins fanning his hand.

ADAM (CONT'D)
Ow. Ow that stings.

FED
See!

ADAM
Some of the flame just hit the non-thumbnail part of my thumb. But what to you say to this, smart guy?

Adam pulls out some nail clippers.

FED
They’re nail clippers.

ADAM
And they got all bent up when I tried to clip my thumbnail!

FED
All right, say you do have a super-powered thumbnail. What then? How, exactly, is that going to help you fight evildoers?

ADAM
Oh, it’ll help fight evildoers. Evildoers fight it shall. Fighting evildoers will be exactly the type of fighting it will help fight...

DISSOLVE TO:

MONTAGE:

MUSIC: Something jazzy, like the 60’s Batman series.

Emergency lights flash. Adam is running to reach a door before it seals shut. At the last minute, he extends his thumb and wedges it between the door and the wall. He pries the door back open, and slips through it.

A monster shoots a revolver at Adam, and he moves his thumb around to dodge the bullets, a la Wonder Woman’s bracelets.

A crook wearing a striped shirt and holding a big bag of money with a dollar sign on it runs through the void of space. Adam chases after him, and pokes him in the eyes with his thumb. The crook drops the money, and Adam catches it.

END MUSIC.

END MONTAGE.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SICK BAY - LATER

Adam lies on a cot, asleep, humming the music from the montage. Fed stands over him with medical tools.

ADAM
What... what happened?

FED
You passed out. It turns out that your thumbnail was so tough because it was a pre-cancerous mutation. I took you to sick bay to remove it.

MUSIC: dramatic sting.

FRANKIE
Is this the end of the Outlandish One? Till next month, stay tuned, true believers!

CUT TO:

GRAPHIC: “CAPTAINS” SHOW LOGO

ANNOUNCER

On the next “Captains”...

INT. SICK BAY - CONTINUOUS

FED
Oh, I forgot to tell you. To replace your thumbnail, I transplanted the nail from your index toe.

ADAM
Noooooo! That was my favorite toenail!

A Major Award!

I won Daniel Radosh's excellent New Yorker Anti Caption Contest this week. In the words of the contest itself, the goal is to "submit the worst possible caption" for the week's cartoon (as furnished by the actual New Yorker Caption Contest). Usually it's just for bragging rights, but this week there was an actual prize -- a signed copy of Slate editor Jacob Weisberg's book, The Bush Tragedy. Finally, a book to tell me how shitty President Bush is! (I kid, I kid! I'm always glad to win something, and I like those folks over at Slate.)

Anyway, my winning (anti) caption is below.














"I bet this is killing a tremendous number of people."

Unca Dan's Comical Funnies, #4

The Flop House Episode Nine is ONLINE!

In this episode, Colbert Report staff writer Frank Lesser joins us, to see what happens next, in Next (hint: it has something to do with Nicholas Cage's hair). Meanwhile, Stuart reveals his vulnerability to bullets, Dan describes his super-power, and Frank pitches a romantic comedy built on Next's charred remains.

Download it here, or paste theflophouse.libsyn.com/rss into iTunes (or your favorite podcatching software) to have new episodes delivered to you directly, as they're released.

0:00 – 0:35 Introduction and theme.
0:36 – 7:42 Our guest host Frank Lesser is introduced, and we indulge in some off-topic discussion of M. Night Shyamalan, and of Heath Ledger's untimely demise.
7:43 – 33:33 What happens if they make a movie with Nic Cage, Julianne Moore, and Jessica Biel and no-one comes? They name it Next.
33:34 – 38:35 Final judgments.
38:36 - 42:30 The sad bastards recommend.
42:31 - 56:50 A once-proud podcast devolves into a conversation about recent movies, including Juno, I Am Legend, and The Mist.
56:51 – 57:49 Podcasty business, goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.









Wikipedia synopsis of Next.

In Which I Discourse on Morbid Days of Celebration

(This is an old piece, but never-before published. Should it have stayed that way? You be the judge)

July 14 is Bastille Day, or the “French Fourth of July.”[1] While America’s Independence Day is known for men in trucker hats singing “Proud to be an American,” Bastille Day celebrates the classic French values of Liberté, Egalité, and Guillotining. Especially guillotining.

Yes, although technically Bastille Day memorializes the storming of the Bastille, it is mostly remembered for all the neck-severing that followed. No one can sever the hell out of a neck like Frankie Frenchman (“Françoisie”?). Still, we shouldn’t be so hard on our Gallic cousins—that’s so “early days of the Iraq war.” Decapitation is as good a reason to get off work as any, and besides, there are plenty of other...

Holidays Based on Killing

Good Friday: (Date: The Friday before Easter Sunday)

Sure it’s undermined by the “resurrection” thing, but no list of holidays based on killing would be complete without Good Friday. It’s devoted to the killing of one guy, and the guy in question happens to be God.That’s damn impressive. Say what you will about the Romans, but they were dynamite at aqueducts and deicide.

On the downside, Jesus named this his second-least favorite holiday.[2] We quote:

“What? They celebrate the day I died, and they’re calling it Good Friday? I don’t care if it is ironic, like when you call a fat guy ‘tiny.’ It’s just tacky.

-Source: Interview Magazine, “Just a Closer Talk
with Thee.” Oct. 1978

How does one celebrate Good Friday? The traditional Christian ritual is as follows. (1.) Go to TGI Fridays. (2.) Order a platter of the jalepeno poppers. (3.) Consume entire plate. (4.) Repeat until cleansed of sin and/ or money.

MEMORIAL DAY: (Date: the last Monday of May)

Strictly speaking, this holiday is less about killing than remembering the dead. However, without the killing, there would be no-one to remember, no federal holiday, and consequently no reason for Spike TV to schedule 24 hours of James Bond.

This is the day when we remember those who died for our country by getting drunk on Sunday night, grilling beer-soaked pig-flesh, and watching 76.2 hours of The Indianapolis 500. I like to think their rotting corpses would’ve wanted it that way.

NEW YEAR’S DAY: (Date: January 1—duh, genius.)

Although the death of the New Year is largely symbolic (time being a human construct, which would totally blow your mind if you were stoned), don’t kid yourself. New Year’s is more about death than anything by Judas Priest.

I’m not talking about mixing champagne with Jagermeister and choking on regurgitated black-eyed peas (good luck my ass). I’m talking about baby new-year and old man old-year. Sure, baby may look cute in his little “2005” sash, as if he’s just won some pediatric beauty show. But the moment your back is turned, he’ll pee right in front of grandpa 2004’s shaky feet, sending him slipping and sliding until his skull is crushed under Dick Clark’s enormous ball. And so the circle of death continues. Still, don’t worry about baby’s smug smile. The little bastard will get his.

HALLOWEEN (Date: October 31)

*Only applies if you are Michael Myers.

GUY FAWKES DAY (Date: November 5 – England)

Okay, so get this: in the 1600’s, Catholics were persecuted, so a small group plotted to blow up Parliament. They were discovered, and one of the conspirators, Guy Fawkes[3] was arrested beneath the House of Lords, and executed. 400 years later, the English still celebrate by burning him in effigy.

Way to hold a grudge, England! Geez. The modern way of showing disagreement through fire is not by burning some voodoo doll, but a more abstract symbol of the person, like their flag. Since Catholics don’t have a flag, perhaps a symbol of their faith would be appropriate? A burning cross, perhaps? Yes, I see nothing in my research to indicate that doing that would be a bad idea, or offensive to any group or persons.

THANKSGIVING (Date: the fourth Thursday in November)

Thanksgiving is very unpopular in the Turkey community. Then again, what has the Turkey community ever done for us? “Turkeys,” we say, “Unemployment is rising, our natural resources are depleted, and our president doesn’t seem to care! Help us!” “Gobble gobble,” they say. Gobble gobble? What kind of answer is that? I say, fuck ‘em.

MURDER DAY (Date: last Monday in February; February 13, Canada)

Probably the least popular of the “manufactured” holidays, Murder Day was developed in an ill-conceived brainstorming session between Hallmark Cards and Sears & Roebuck’s “knives ‘n’ firearms” department, circa 1929. An unmitigated failure, it was nonetheless a special favorite of Ladybird Johnson, who proclaimed the holiday “the killingest day of the year.” She convinced her husband, LBJ, to make it a federal holiday in 1964.

Today, after a rocky start, it has become a cash cow for Hallmark, which enjoys brisk sales the last week of February—beginning on Monday with their popular, “I’m going to gut you like a suckling pig!” line of cards, and ending that Friday with their even more popular, “I’m sorry I gutted your [family member] like a suckling pig,” line of cards. A spin-off, “Suicide Day” was less successful, owing to lack of word-of-mouth from card buyers.

SECRETARY’S DAY (Date: last Wednesday in April)

Also known as Administrative Professional’s Day.

---

[1] Incidentally, their decision to celebrate the 4^th on the 14^th has wrecked havoc on their calendar. For instance: all French women are ten days older, per year, than they claim to be. Also, for daylight savings time, instead of “springing forward” and “falling back,” the French “winter sideways.” No-one has ever been able to adequately explain what this means.

[2] His least favorite is Valentine’s Day… makes sense for a 30-year-old celibate.

[3] In 1985 Guy Fawkes was voted the third most English sounding name ever, after Sir. Neville Periwinkle Winterbottom the Third, and “Ringo.”

Too Soon?

1:50 PM me: New get-rich-quick scheme:

The Heath Ledger Memorial Leaf Hedger

only $19.95

1:51 PM Matt: how does it work?

me: It's a normal hedger, but it comes with a drug interaction warning.

1:53 PM Matt: That sounds almost as good as my Darth Vader collectible Death Hater.

Hates death for you for only 24.95.

me: That must free up a lot of time.

Matt: You'd be surprised.

I've taken up yoga again!

1:55 PM me: Or I could sell my Burgess Meredeth memorial Merges Berry-Meth.

It blends berries and meth into a delicious drug smoothie.

1:59 PM Matt: Sort of runs contradictory to your first invention, doesn't it?

2:00 PM me: Look, the idea is entrepreneurship, not baby-sitting the American consumer.

They can make their own bad choices.

2:01 PM Matt: Lord knows I learned that lesson with my Humphrey Bogart memorial Go-Karts.

2:02 PM which were fueled with... alcoholism.

me: At least consumers knew what they were getting.

2:03 PM I took a bath on those Brad Renfro memorial Rad Bren-Fros.

I mean, they knew they were rad.

And that they were some kind of fro.

But I guess "bren" was too obscure for them.

2:04 PM Matt: the public is a fickle mistress indeed.

me: I thought everyone would know that it was Old English for "burn." But I guess there's not a big enough market for radical fro burning anyway.

Matt: Take my Woody Harrelson memorial Sarrel-hons.

Sure Woody Harrelson isn't even dead

and the rest is just nonsense.

But the point remains, I have a family to feed!

me: True.

>lights up a cigar<

>sighs wistfully<

2:06 PM Maybe we're just not cut out for the celebrity death industry.

Matt: then what in the john candied world are we cut out for?

2:07 PM me: [CURTAIN FALLS]

2:08 PM [END OF ACT ONE of DAVID MAMET'S JOHN CANDY JOHN LENNON]

2:09 PM Matt: [hordes of senior citizens seen leaving the theater in disgust]

Unca Dan's Comical Funnies, #3 "The Button Factory"

In Which I Provide a Public Service

I congratulate those of you who’ve recently recovered from winter colds, flu, or flesh-eating viruses. Still, perfect health comes with some sacrifices. Suddenly cough syrup is alarmingly codeine-free, your workplace doesn’t allow footie pajamas, and you miss all the latest* waiting-room periodicals. That’s why I’ve put together this:

Update On What’s Happening in the Magazines You Only Read When At the Doctor’s Office

*“Latest” in this usage means, “Within the last five decades.”

Highlights For Kids
• Goofus continues to come in a distant second to Gallant in matters of etiquette, hand-washing, and choosing a nickname. On a date, while Gallant is always sure to open the door for his female companion, Goofus ignores her entirely, even during the physical act of love. Oddly, it’s Goofus all the girls want to party with.
• Although you may be tempted to throw in the towel, be assured that there are fully 12 ice-cream cones hidden in the picture “A Day at the Beach.” The last one’s a bastard, but if you look closely, we think you’ll find it hidden in the left spire of the sand castle. Boo-yah!!! In your face, Highlights For Kids!

Marie Claire
• The number of cosmetic advertisements featuring nude women remains gratifyingly high.

Reader’s Digest
• Jonathan Safran Foer’s novel, “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close,” a tour-de-force intertwining the 9/11 attacks and the firebombing of Dresden, is condensed into a 23-page tour-de-force article on argyle socks.

Ranger Rick
• Tens of thousands of the Earth’s species are now classified as “endangered.”
• And there’s nothing kids can do about it.
• Stop crying.
• The platypus is the only mammal that lays eggs!

Mira! (The popular Spanish-language celebrity magazine)
• “Los senos de Salma Hayak se han visto en varios lugares populares de noche, incluyendo ‘Granadilla.’ Una izquierda el club con el testículo derecho de Enrique Iglesias.”
• “Siguiente el desempeño de Antonio Banderas en la ceremonia de febrero Oscar, la estrella planea cree un disco compacto, titulado ‘Pisando muy Fuerte y Sacudiendo Como Tengo un Ataque.’”

West Roxbury Hospital News Circular.
• Chief of Medicine Roger Garett’s popular one-panel comic “Hospital Follies,” makes a delightful pun on the words “septum” and “scrotum.”
• Despite recent drug recalls, staff members are permitted to keep the free Celebrex Clock Radios donated by our pharmaceutical rep.
• IMPORTANT REMINDER: doctors are required to wash their hands after using the restroom.

Unca Dan's Comical Funnies

Unca Dan's Comical Funnies

I'm gonna try something new -- from here on out I'll be posting a new comic or single-panel cartoon (written/ drawn by yours truly) every Monday.

(We'll see how long I can keep it up).

Episode Eight of The Flop House is ONLINE!

This is sort of a belated announcement, since I forgot to cross-post this in the excitement (read: drunkenness) of the holidays and such -- this was up on the Flop House official site before Christmas -- but the latest episode of The Flop House is up and ready for your aural pleasure. (That's right. Dan's not afraid to take advantage of a homophone for a dirty pun. He is a high class comedy writer!)

Anyway: here's our holiday present to you -- the longest Flop House ever! Just download it to your iPod or off-brand MP3 player, slip the headphones in, and let the hours* slip by in a haze of bad-movie-induced laughter.

*actual time of podcast: 48minutes, 13 seconds.

In this episode, Daily Show segment producer and Metro columnist Elliott Kalan joins us, to discuss Lindsay Lohan's tour de force dual performance as a girl and another, slightly sluttier girl, in I Know Who Killed Me. Meanwhile, Stuart discusses decorating plans for his evidence dungeon, Dan mentions a lost Neil Simon play that should stay lost, and Elliott fills us in on the life and works of Art Bell.

0:00 – 0:32 Introduction and theme.
0:33 – 36:54 I Know Who Killed Me - just as lurid as the title suggests? Or lurid-er?
36:55 – 40:15 Final judgments.
40:16 – 45:13 The sad bastards recommend.
45:14 – 48:13 Podcasty business, goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

Download it here, or paste theflophouse.libsyn.com/rss into iTunes (or your favorite podcatching software) to have new episodes delivered to you directly, as they're released.

A note: we've eliminated the movie synopsis at the beginning of the episode, as we've heard people say that they'd rather just get into the fun stuff right away. However, if you want a little context for the discussion, we'll still post links to the Wikipedia pages for these films, which tend to have fairly thorough plot summaries.

The Flop House Episode Seven is ONLINE!

In our first Flop House sans Simon, we welcome friend-of-the-show Jeanette Lahr to the guest host seat, to discuss the Kevin Costner split-personality serial killer film Mr. Brooks. Meanwhile, Stuart makes a movie pitch, Dan reveals an embarrassing secret about Charlie’s Angels, and Jeanette teaches us how to kill a man. Also Dan's cat Lulu adds her two cents, in the form of an occasional meow.

Download it here, or paste theflophouse.libsyn.com/rss into iTunes (or your favorite podcatching software) to have new episodes delivered to you directly, as they're released.

0:00 – 0:36 Introduction and theme.
0:37 – 2:50 Partial synopsis of Mr. Brooks, courtesy of Wikipedia.
2:51 – 28:02 Something’s happening here and you don’t know what it is, do you, Mr. Brooks?
28:03 – 31:16 Final judgments.
31:17 – 36:55 The sad bastards recommend.
36:56 – Podcasty business, goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

*A small apology for the audio quality of some of this episode. I have no idea why my voice sounds so booming, while Stuart and Jeanette sound like they are in the next room... other than the obvious explanation that I am 40 feet tall.

The Strike Continues...

Talks resumed over Thanksgiving, but they haven't been going so well. Thus the strike continues. You know what that means -- another writer's strike video from my friend Frank Lesser.

Upcoming Show Alert!

Hey! I'm gonna be appearing in Sara Schaefer's upcoming "One Sara Show." Who will I be playing? Well, not Sara, that's to be sure, since that would mean exceeding the prescribed Sara ration for the evening.

What's that? You'd like to hear about the show in Sara-penned press release form? Well, okay.

* * *

Hello friends. You know, being Thanksgiving Eve and all, I wanted to take a moment to thank you for your support over the years, and especially over the past few months.

And, I want to let you know that you *might* want to clear your schedule for December 18 at 8 p.m. Because I'm previewing my new show at Union Hall in Brooklyn, and I think you will enjoy it. It's special. It's FREE. There's a live band on stage with me (The Lisps, who I ADORE), and videos, and other spectacular effects...and me.

SARA SCHAEFER'S ONE SARA SHOW
DIRECTED BY JON FRIEDMAN
WRITTEN BY SARA SCHAEFER
MUSIC BY THE LISPS

Special preview performance:
December 18 @ 8 p.m. - FREE!
Union Hall, Park Slope, Brooklyn
702 Union Street @ 5th Ave.

What does Sara Schaefer have to do to prove that she is a self-centered attention whore? Does she have to put on a one woman show with her name in the title? Does she have the quirky indie rock band, The Lisps backing her? What about hilarious home movies from her childhood, bizarre clipart, the true definition of "rockbottom", and a live video experience that will pretty much blow your mind? Well, you got it. Sara Schaefer presents, 'Sara Schaefer's One Sara
Show', written and starring Sara Schaefer.

If you don't love this show, you hate orphans.

Directed by acclaimed comedian/producer and the creator of "The Rejection Show", Jon Friedman. Music by The Lisps. Featuring Lang Fisher and Dan McCoy. Live video by Dan Winckler.

The Flop House Episode Six is ONLINE

In this episode, the gang chats about Perfect Stranger, the top Internet chat-based thriller that was released twenty years after Internet chatting was invented. Meanwhile, Stuart engages in some creative screenplay retitling, Dan proposes a twist ending certification board, and Simon drops a personal bombshell.

Download it here, or paste theflophouse.libsyn.com/rss into iTunes (or your favorite podcatching software) to have new episodes delivered to you directly, as they're released.

0:00 - 0:33 - Introduction and theme.
0:34 - 1:54 - Partial synopsis of Perfect Stranger, courtesy of Wikipedia.
1:55 - 28:27 - According to the Simpsons musical Streetcar! "...a stranger's just a friend you haven't met!" But that was before the movie Perfect Stranger.
28:28 - 29:52 - Final judgments.
29:53 - 36:18 - Our first listener mail!
36:19 - 40:01 - The sad bastards recommend.
40:02 - 44:00 - Simon reveals some sad news.
44:01 - 46:25 - Podcasty business, goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

Writers' Strike Video

My friend Frank Lesser, who writes for The Colbert Report (yeah, I know -- name dropper) just sent me this video that he edited, and which was put together by the C.R. team.

Enjoy the laughs, and forward it on to friends, to spread the word that writers should be fairly compensated for work used on the Internet.

Zombira Slutty Costume Sketch: Now With Video!

I posted the text to my Slutty Costumes Sketch last year, but now (thanks to my wife) I have video of it. Well, of half of it. But, honestly, you get the idea (although if you want the background, follow the link above and then switch to the video the moment she pulls out the "slutty calendar").

Big in Canada

Captains in Space was featured on Canadian cable TV show "Torrent TV" on G4. Check it out! We've made the leap to television! Sort of.*

In other Captains news, we'll be getting together to shoot TWO all-new episodes this weekend, so look for those to come out soon (and a little more regularly than they have in the past). These will also be the first episodes to feature Captain Matt as a full-time replacement for the departing Captain Adam. Can you resist a show starring this guy?:



















*Yeah, I know that "Canadian" "cable" and "G4" are three strikes that limit the probable TV viewership for that episode to about 13, but these days, what with our U.S. economic slump, writers' strikes and such, 13 Canadian viewers = like 52 American. That's the way these things work, right?