Too Soon?

1:50 PM me: New get-rich-quick scheme:

The Heath Ledger Memorial Leaf Hedger

only $19.95

1:51 PM Matt: how does it work?

me: It's a normal hedger, but it comes with a drug interaction warning.

1:53 PM Matt: That sounds almost as good as my Darth Vader collectible Death Hater.

Hates death for you for only 24.95.

me: That must free up a lot of time.

Matt: You'd be surprised.

I've taken up yoga again!

1:55 PM me: Or I could sell my Burgess Meredeth memorial Merges Berry-Meth.

It blends berries and meth into a delicious drug smoothie.

1:59 PM Matt: Sort of runs contradictory to your first invention, doesn't it?

2:00 PM me: Look, the idea is entrepreneurship, not baby-sitting the American consumer.

They can make their own bad choices.

2:01 PM Matt: Lord knows I learned that lesson with my Humphrey Bogart memorial Go-Karts.

2:02 PM which were fueled with... alcoholism.

me: At least consumers knew what they were getting.

2:03 PM I took a bath on those Brad Renfro memorial Rad Bren-Fros.

I mean, they knew they were rad.

And that they were some kind of fro.

But I guess "bren" was too obscure for them.

2:04 PM Matt: the public is a fickle mistress indeed.

me: I thought everyone would know that it was Old English for "burn." But I guess there's not a big enough market for radical fro burning anyway.

Matt: Take my Woody Harrelson memorial Sarrel-hons.

Sure Woody Harrelson isn't even dead

and the rest is just nonsense.

But the point remains, I have a family to feed!

me: True.

>lights up a cigar<

>sighs wistfully<

2:06 PM Maybe we're just not cut out for the celebrity death industry.

Matt: then what in the john candied world are we cut out for?

2:07 PM me: [CURTAIN FALLS]

2:08 PM [END OF ACT ONE of DAVID MAMET'S JOHN CANDY JOHN LENNON]

2:09 PM Matt: [hordes of senior citizens seen leaving the theater in disgust]